BOW BEFORE YOUR NEW GOD, MORTALS.
One freakin motorcycle was all it took.
One. Freakin'. Motorcycle.
I busted Wario through two stocks already, and it looked pretty much like I was about to three-stock him, too. Of course, my player just had to try a different tactic at the very end to take out Wario, and guess what happened? I got creamed.
It's all about the player, I'm telling you. Who cares where the heck I am on the tier list? I was a meme character when I first joined Smash, and look where I am now?! One game I could be handing out KO after KO with my combo chains, and the next? I could be under the control of a move-spammer who only cares about my Down-Special.
Anyways, where were we? Oh yeah, I'm about to lose.
C'mon, c'mon, player, give me an Up-Special already!
...
...
Ah. Well, looks like my time here is up 🅱ois. I guess I'll just sit around on the character selection screen until somebody good chooses me.
Wait... this doesn't seem quite right. Where's the eternally-confined characters trapped inside tiny boxes around me? Where's the yet-another-remix-of-the-theme-songTM? Why the heck is there a forest around me?
Have... have I returned to the world of Pokemon? Am I finally free from control by a player beyond the screen?
... Nah, I've been smashing n00bs ever since I first hatched from the egg! Who cares if I'm cute on the outside? I, Pichu, have rightfully gained my place at the tops of the tier lists, after years of absence and heavy training since my early days in Melee. I'd laugh if this weren't actually some kind of hidden adventure mode.
C'mon, player! What're your orders?
Player?
For the first time ever, I felt the eternal smile on my face begin to droop. And this time, it wasn't out of anger or frustration.
Wait. It's part of my texture, isn't it? I'm not allowed to frown when I'm just passively standing without doing anything! That's more of something Snake is supposed to do, not a cute lil' guy like me! C'mon, smile! SMILE!
"...What the hay is that thing?"
I spun around, my cheek pouches sparking with electricity as I readied a charge. I winced for a moment as the electricity arced across my body, and-- hold on, I just did that on my own command. I... I guess I'm controlled by a CPU this time, then. Anyways, who am I gonna fry this time? Another Jigglypuff? Bowser? Bowser is a bit annoying given his weight, but-- wait, I'm fighting a Ponyta?
...And it's got wings and is blue? And why's its mane rainbow instead of on fire?
I am so heckin' confused right now.
"PICHU!" I screamed at the airborne not-Ponyta, "PICHU PICHU PICHU, PI-CHU!"
Dang, my throat's dry already? Wait, why's my throat dry? Is this what being a CPU feels like? Am I actually acting on my own free will, or am I just following some crazy meta pre-scripted command coded somewhere into the ga--
"Come again?" the not-Ponyta spoke, landing beside me. Up close, it was apparent that it was female. Though... agh, I keep running into these thoughts, don't I? 'Cause WHY IS A VAGUELY-PONYTA-LOOKIN' THING IN SMASH?! ONLY RAPIDASH IS IN SMASH. IS THIS A NEW DLC CHARACTER? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA--
"Okay, seriously, you're hurting my ears saying 'pee' over and over. I'm gonna go get Fluttershy."
Oh no you don't.
Up smash! Downtilt! C'mon, lemme start a combo! And-- she just flew above all of it?
No matter. Down special, Thunder!
Get rekt, scrub. Thunder-spikes are always painful... for the opponent. I can spare a few percentage points.
Wait. Wait what? Rainbow horse air-dodged it?!
"Would you stop trying to shock me?" she shouted, landing on the ground, "I'm trying to figure out what the hay you even are."
So, unfamiliar with Pokemon now, are we? I can give her an... introduction of sorts. Starting with an up special!
*Teleports behind you*
Agility! Zip-zip, right up into rang-- a grab?!
"Alright, you're comin' with me, whatever you are. We're heading to Twilight's place instead."
Hm. Twilight's Place. Is that a new stage or something? I heard that there's still some unrevealed DLC for the game.
"Stop squirming! You're building up static!"
You betcha I am. I'ma gonna hit this mare with a thunder harder than Ness's bat.
"Zz-zap! Haha, yeah, fly away, rainbow-mane, let's see how high of a percentage you're at now, eh?"
"AGAIN with the 'pee-pee-peechu' thing," the blue horse-thing grumbled, landing in front of me and shaking herself out of a daze, "Is that the only thing you can say?!"
I smirked, my cheek pouches sparking again. I could feel my percentage slowly ticking up as I readied a smash attack. She might've gone relatively unfazed by Thunder, but would she last a fully-charged side-smash?
...
...
She sidestepped it. How did she sidestep it?! Stages don't allow you to move anywhere but side-to-side lengthwise on the platform, but not side-to-side in the other direction!
Not-ponyta rolled her eyes, flying straight up with what looked to be her up-special and... pulling a cloud out of the sky?
I didn't even have time to put up a shield before she plunked the thing over me. I don't know if this is a variation on her grab or something, but it's surprisingly... soothing in this cloud. Like, it doesn't even feel like I'm in anything. It's just this weird drifting feeling and-- hoo boy, we're going airborne again, aren't we?
Well, I guess I'll stick around for the ride. I'm actually quite interested in seeing whatever new stage we might be headed to...
Actually, now that I think of it, I've heard that Kirby's stomach is actually a pocket universe. Maybe he somehow managed to swallow me instead of just holding me in his mouth? Is that even a thing that can happen in Smash?
Either way, this place is really weird. Weirder even than Galeem. It's this probably isn't even Smash Bros anymore weird.