The Clouds That Stopped The Rainbow
I sit very still in my chair. I wonder, if I sit still enough, will time stop? Will it phase me as wind phases a stone statue? I wish that to be true. I wish for time to cease, to keep me out of it’s infernal hold, so I can stay where I am right now. Lost in good memories.
My daughter Rainbow Dash, My little Dashie, is the center of my universe. She is my light in the dark. She is my sun and moon and stars. When I held her for the first time as a foal, I knew what love really was. I had never now nor since, felt such a profound need to love and protect somepony as I did her. I held that foal in my hooves, and I found my place in the world. From that moment on, everything was perfect. I watched my daughter grow and play, and slowly find herself. I thought I had known happiness the day she was born, but getting to watch her accomplish her goals and try harder when she failed (Which were few and far between, might I add.) made me happier and prouder each and every day.
When she grew up and started making it on her own, it was hard to see her pull away from me, but I knew it was what was best for her. She’s always been so rambunctious and independent, so it didn’t take long for her to find a job and a home. Her moving from Cloudsdale was a shock, but I understood. She wanted to make a name for herself, and How could she do that from here, where she was already established as a good flier? My daughter didn’t want to be just good. She wanted to be great.
Over the years we kept in touch, and I eventually learned that my daughter had helped save Equestria from Nightmare Moon! I had always known she was destined for greatness, and this proved it tenfold. I was so happy I was dancing on the clouds. My daughter was well on her way to making a name for herself in the world, and I was proud of her. Then, just when I didn’t think it could get any better for her, she achieved her dream of being a Wonderbolt! I was so proud and thrilled for her, I could barely contain myself. It was one of the best days of my life. Things couldn’t have been going better for her.
So naturally, something had to come along and ruin it. I just didn’t expect it to ruin my world too.
It had been a Thursday, and it had been pouring rain down onto Cloudsdale. I was enjoying a good book with my husband sitting next to me. Idly, I had been thinking about my daughter, wondering what she might have been up to. I knew very well that Lord Tirek had once again reclaimed his power, and was certain that my daughter and her friends were going to stop him. I had just turned the page when a knock came at my door, startling me from my thoughts. Who on earth would be out in this kind of weather? I went to the door, only to be met with the tearful face of Fluttershy, one of Dashie’s best friends since flight camp. Something in my gut told me that something was dreadfully wrong, and I ushered her inside.
“Fluttershy? Are you alright?” I ask her.
She sniffled, and tears were pouring down her face. “I’m s-s-so s-sorry.” She gasped through her tears. My heart skipped a beat.
“Sorry? Sorry for what?” I asked, feeling my stomach clench into a knot.
“It’s R-Rainbow D-Dash.” She sobbed. My instincts went into overdrive.
“What about Rainbow Dash? Fluttershy, what happened? Is she alright?!”
My words made her sob harder, and she shook her head “no”. For a few agonizing moments, I had to wait until she calmed down. They may have only been a minute or two, but to me they were an eternity. I suddenly noticed that my husband was standing beside me, fixating on the young mare as I was. But for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to touch him. The feeling seemed to be mutual. When she finally spoke, it was almost a whisper, and I had to strain to hear her.
I wish I had closed my ears.
“We were all fighting with Tirek. He had stolen magic and flight. We tried to attack him with everything we had, but we weren’t strong enough. And Rain-“ She let out a sob. “Rainbow Dash went after him on her own. H-He… He knocked her into the wall until she was b-bleeding. I tried to wake her up, but she couldn’t. The princesses came to help us with him, because they still had enough magic left, b-but… By the time we got her to the hospital, she was- was-“ Fluttershy could say no more, she was sobbing too hard. But then, I knew what she was about to say.
“No.” It was a tiny whisper. A fleeting prayer. “No.” This one was louder, as what was left unspoken began to sink in with me. “OH SWEET CELESTIA NO! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!” I scream. I can feel myself beginning to crack. The pain was seeping in, cracking my heart, Shattering the pieces, and throwing acid on them until they dissolved into nothingness. I cannot stand anymore, and fall to the floor with a thunk. I’m sobbing now, braying huge, horse sobs as I beg for it not to be true. I wrap my wings around myself in sorrow. I can feel my husband watching me, I can hear his ragged breathing as he sobs too, but I can offer him no comfort. I am stranded on an island of grief. We are ships passing in the night, never touching one another. I want to offer him comfort, but how can I? There is nothing that could be said to make any of this better.
When I cry myself out I move my wings from my face. Fluttershy is still there, crying. Suddenly I cannot be still any longer. I need to move. To take action. Anything is better than wallowing in my endless grief.
“Fluttershy, can you take me to see her? Please?” I ask. It seemed to take her a moment to realize that I had spoken, but she nodded. I did not look to see if my husband was coming. I could feel him behind me. I dared a glance back at him while we were flying. His eyes were hollow. The light had gone out of them, and he looked to be every bit of a broken man. The rain stings my eyes, but it doesn’t hurt. Nothing hurts as much as this. Compared to this it was like somepony flicking a grain of sand at me. It’s like it wasn’t even there.
Eternities pass before we get to the hospital. Fluttershy takes me to the morgue. Her friends are there, surrounding the slab she’s on. I pause. I can see a bit of Rainbow mane peeking out between them, and it nearly undoes me. I step forward. They part at the sight of me and my husband, like we are contaminated with some sort of contagion. I step to where my daughter is- or at least where her shell of a body is. Her face looks the same. That wasn’t damaged. But I can see the gash in the side of her head where it made impact against the stone. Without any warning, I lean over to one side and throw up. I hit my knees, and I am sobbing all over again.
“My baby…” I sob. “She was my baby…” I rest my head against the cool metal of the slab, gasping for breath as I sob. “No, no, no…” And for a while, there is nothing but grief and fear. And then, the anger slices through me, sharper than a knife, and I scream “WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST TAKE ME YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH?!” Before I break into sobs again.
When I am hollow inside, I stand and speak. I am careful to avoid looking at the side of her head that is caved in. But it doesn’t matter. The image is burned into my retinas, into my memory. But from this angle, it just looks like she’s sleeping. That’s what I want. To remember her like this.
“Dashie… Oh my sweet little Dashie… I’m so sorry.” My voice breaks on the last word. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t protect you. I love you so much… You are everything to me. And I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry…” I hang my head. I shut my eyes, then lightly kiss her forehead, like I used to when she was a foal before I put her to bed. I gently stroke her cheek. It’s cold beneath her coat, and I jerk my hoof away at the unexpected chill. The doctor comes in. I look up.
“Are you her parents?” He asks. I nod woodenly. “My name is Doctor Heart. I’m the doctor who looked over your daughter.” He says. He doesn’t try and shake my hoof. I like that. “If you have any questions for me, feel free to ask.”
There’s just one burning in my mind. “Did she suffer?” I ask brokenly.
Compassion fills his eyes. “No. The first blow knocked her unconscious, and after that she didn’t feel anything. She died almost instantly.”
“She didn’t?”
“No. It was fairly quick as these things go.”
“Okay.” I say.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.” He says, and I can tell he means it.
“Thank you.” I say, numbly.
He leaves, and I am left feeling empty.
I do not want to leave her, but I cannot stay here anymore. The grief will undo me. I don’t speak to my husband when I leave. But he follows me. I fly home. I am silent. I go in the house. Everything looks the same, but everything is different. I look around. Everywhere I look I see her face. I need to not see for a while. I go upstairs to my bedroom. I don’t shower, or brush my teeth. I don’t change into my pajamas. I just crawl under the covers and try to sleep.
The first night is the worst. I hear her, I see her, I feel her. She is smashed into the rock. And every time she looks at me, pleading for help. “Mama!” She calls, sounding like she used to when she was small. I fly to her, but by the time I get there, she’s dead. I wake. I go back to sleep. It happens again. The cycle repeats until morning dawns. My first without my daughter.
I go throughout my day. I shower. I dress. I cook. I clean. But all of it is automatic. Leached of any meaning or purpose. The only thing of note during the day is preparing for the funeral. I have it in Ponyville. It’s where she lived, where her friends were. I pick out her flowers, her music, and, notably, her coffin. I choose a plain wooden one and ask to have it painted in colors that match her mane. She was such a bright light, and deserves that reflected in her resting place.
Three more days of endless hell go by, and finally, the day of the funeral is here. I wear the outfit she loved the most. So does my husband. We fly down to Ponyville early in the day and help set up. The town files in, and so do ponies from Cloudsdale. The Wonderbolts come in uniform, as do many ponies from the weather factory who knew her. Some old teachers come too, as does Rainbow Blaze, her mentor. Her closest friends, along with my husband and I, sit at the front.
The mayor stepped forward and began to speak. “We meet here today to honor the life of Rainbow Dash. We give thanks for her life and wish her well now that their time in this world has come to an end. For Rainbow Dash, the journey is now beginning. But for us, there is loss, grief and pain. Every one of us here has been affected - perhaps in small ways, or perhaps in transformative ones- by Rainbow Dash. Her life mattered to us all. It is important for us to collectively acknowledge and accept that the world has fundamentally changed with her passing. We are all grieving. Life will not be the same - nor should it be. Together, let us open our hearts and commemorate the impact Rainbow Dash had on us.
Members of Rainbow Dash's family will be coming forward to share thoughts on her life, but first let us sing together a song that she loved."
The theme song of the Wonderbolts came over the speakers, and I see Spitfire, Soarin, and Fleetfoot weeping.
The song ended, and Mayor Mare spoke again. “I would now like to invite to the front anyone who would like to share some remarks about Rainbow Dash.”
One by one, friends come up to speak about my daughter. I listen at rapt attention. Something to cherish during the long road ahead. Her closest friends, the ones who were there when she died, do not make individual speeches. Instead, they sing a song they wrote for her together, and it makes me weep.
“You crossed the finish line before your time
You were the best of us, you kept us in line
We will remember you for all our days
Kept up in memories in a million ways
You were the rainbow shining on us all
You soared so high and you’d never fall
And we will keep you close
No matter what life throws
We will not forget
You lived a life of no regret
So we say thank you for all the things you gave
Joy, laughter, and friendship will go beyond the grave
You are now a Rainbow, shining up above
And the one thing we’ll remember,
we’ll remember your love.”
With that, they sit, and the mayor continues. “And now I will invite Windy Whistles, Rainbow Dash’s mother, to share her thoughts.”
I stand up and go to the podium. The crowd is dead silent. I take in a breath, and then I speak.
“Thank you all for coming here and joining my husband and I in celebrating Rainbow Dash’s life. I know it would have meant a lot to her to see all of you here. My daughter Rainbow Dash was a bright, beautiful light in my life, and many others. When she was growing up she was always rambunctious and full of energy. When she was a filly she used to love flying around the backyard in a cape, pretending that she was a Wonderbolt. And luckily for her, that dream came true. Because she worked hard to make it happen. That’s the kind of pony she was. She chased her dreams. And she died protecting those dreams and the rest of Equestria from Tirek’s reign of terror. She died a hero, and that is the way I will always remember her.
Even before she saved Equestria, she was my hero. She always tried new things, and was so much braver than I was. She accomplished so much in such a short time. And I was so proud of her. We were so proud of her. But she was more than just my hero. She was my little girl. I’ll never forget reading her stories before bedtime, or checking for monsters in her closet. I’ll always remember chasing her around the house when she was in trouble, or playing pretend with her.
But just because her life has ended, does not mean she is gone. She lives in my memories and all of yours. I remember her in the scent of the bread we used to bake together. I feel her in the warmth of the sun she loved to play in. I hear her voice in the whispers of the wind. I like to think that wherever she is, she is thinking of all of you. And if she could say anything right now, I think it would be this: Love one another. Help each other. Cherish the time you have together because you never know when it could be over. I will always cherish the time I had with her. And she will always live in my heart.” I turn to her casket. It’s open, and I can see her face. “Mommy loves you, Dashie. And I always will.” I turn back to the masses, several of whom are crying. “Thank you.”
I head back to my seat. Mayor Mare comes back up to the podium. “Please stand.” Everypony stands up.
“Rainbow Dash has safely crossed the barrier and is now free to experience another reality, along with all the joys which await there. For us, however, it is important to say this final farewell to her body as we commit Rainbow Dash's physical form to its natural end.
Rainbow Dash, we wish you well and thank you for being a part of our lives. We honor your life and we trust you will find ever-lasting peace. We will not forget you. Go well.” She says. Then she pauses before speaking again.
“Please sit.” We do.
“The death of every one of us is in the natural order of things; it follows life as surely as summer follows spring. Let us think of the Tree of Life as a symbol. The trunk and branches of the tree represent the human race, and the leaves symbolize the individual men and women on earth – appearing one spring, flourishing for a season, and then dying.
The physical presence of Rainbow Dash has gone, but the tree remains. In fact, it is now even stronger because of her life - and death. So it shall be for all of us, in time. Let us challenge ourselves to take advantage of our limited time on this earth – let us live our lives fully, endeavoring to love one another and never faltering in the pursuit of happiness.
We have been remembering with love and gratitude a life that touched us all. I encourage you to help, support and love those who grieve most. Allow them to cry; to hurt; to smile and to remember. Grief works through our systems in its own time. Remember to appreciate each day and to live it to the full in honor of Rainbow Dash. We often take life for granted and yet it is the greatest gift we have.”
The service ended with a poem called “I Do Not Think My Song Will End”. A beautiful read, through and through. Of course I would think that. I picked it. Then, Mayor Mare thanks us all, and announces where the burial will be. We all pack up our things and head to the cemetary. My husband and myself are in the back as Pegasi fly her coffin out there.
When everypony gathers, the mayor says a few words, and then we each take a turn shoveling some dirt into the hole of her grave. I put a bouquet of multicolored flowers in before it’s my turn. Then I watch as they lower her into the ground. I sigh quietly, and whisper a goodbye. Just as I do, the gray weather dissipates, and in place of the clouds is a beautiful rainbow shining down on us.
And I just knew that it was my daughter telling me that she loved me, and that she was okay.
For the first time since that night, I smiled.