The Main Event!
“And you chose me to judge your little competition, why?” Twilight asked, lifting her eyebrow at the two bouncing ponies hopping up and down on the front step of her castle.
Pinkie Pie giggled. “Duh, you are the most impartial pony around Twilight!”
Cheese Sandwich grinned. “Plus we needed somepony who could resist our amazing parties so of course we’d choose you.”
Twilight nodded sagely. “I suppose I can see the logic in that, how exactly would you judge which party is better though?”
Pinkie Pie shrugged. “You’re the judge, we'll leave that to you!”
“Yeah!” Cheese Sandwich added, quite unhelpfully.
Twilight thought about it, leaning heavily on the entry to her castle. “Alright, but it's gonna take about an hour to figure out a method of grading parties though.”
The two party ponies shrugged. “Sounds good!”
“Come on, Pinkie, let's go get ready. Last one there’s a rotten egg salad sandwich!” Cheese Sandwich yelled before sprinting off towards town at speeds that even Rainbow Dash could would be envious of.
“Hey, no fair!” the pink pony yelled before suddenly becoming a blur, sprinting after the retreating stallion and giggling all the while.
Behind them Twilight tapped her chin thoughtfully, slowly making her way to her planning office, which was obviously different from her regular office. “How do I judge a party?” Her eyes suddenly lit up and her pace increased, a brilliant idea popping into her mind.
“I got it!” she yelled triumphantly.
In the center of town, two party ponies sat surprisingly quietly on the steps of the town hall.
“I thought she said an hour, she did say an hour, right?” Cheese Sandwich asked, twisting his neck and looking down the road that led towards the friendship castle.
Pinkie Pie nodded. “Yupperoni! She probably got super duper excited about our awesome parties and wanted to make sure her grading thingy was perfect!”
Cheese Sandwich cocked his head and shrugged. “Sounds about right.”
“Hello, Pinkie Pie. Cheese Sandwich,” a monotone voice greeted from behind them.
Pinkie Pie gasped and spun around, instantly wrapping her sister in a super duper tight hug that did not seem to bother the grey earth pony in the slightest. “Oh Maudie! I’m so glad you're here!”
“Ooooh, so this is your rock solid sister you told me about.” The stallion suddenly spat into his hoof and ran it through his mane, slicking it back. “Hey there, good looking.”
Maud blinked. “Hi.”
The stallion toppled over at the deadpan response, making Pinkie Pie giggle.
“Anywho, what are you doing here, Maud?” Pinkie gasped dramatically, stars coming to her eyes as she reeled back, a massive smile on her face. “Did you get my invitation and came to cheer on your bestest sister?”
“No.”
Pinkie Pie toppled over, joining Cheese Sandwich on the ground. “Then what are you doing here?”
“I want to join the competition.” Maud stated simply.
The two certified party ponies shared a look before exploding into laughter, clutching each other as they laughed hard enough that tears came to their eyes.
“What's so funny?” Maud asked.
Pinkie Pie wiped her face on a hoof. “Well, no offence Maudie, but we have been doing this for a looong time.”
Cheese Sandwich wiped a tear from his own eye. “Yeah! How many parties have you ever thrown anyway?”
“One.”
“See? Me and Pinkie Pie have thrown like, a bajillion parties!” Cheese Sandwich announced before exploding into laughter once more and rolling around on the ground.
“It was a big success.” Maud pointed out.
Pinkie Pie hopped back up onto all fours and draped a hoof over the stony mare’s shoulders. “If you really wanna join, then the more the merrier, right Cheese?”
The orange stallion hopped back up and grinned. “You betcha, Pinks!”
“Yay,” Maud announced happily, in an almost completely monotone voice.
“Did I walk in at a bad time?” Twilight asked, looking over at the three ponies.
Pinkie Pie unlatched her forelegs from around Maud’s neck and bounced over to Twilight who stood next to a large blackboard. “Noper dopers, Twi Twi! Maud here just decided to join the competition.” The pink earth pony covered her mouth, barely holding back a giggle.
Twilight turned around and added a third name to the list at the top, making it Pinkie Pie on the far left, then Cheese Sandwich in the middle and finally Maud on the far right. “Alright, whenever you three draw a crowd, we can begin.”
“May I have the honor, my good Cheese?” Pinkie Pie asked, donning a top hat from her mane.
Cheese Sandwich bowed low, having donned a similar tophat from somewhere as well. “I would be honored, my good Pink.”
Pinkie Pie leapt up onto the stage in front of the town hall, where a colorfully painted podium was already set out. She grabbed the mic in one hoof and jumped on top of the podium. “HELLO PONYVILLE!” she yelled, loud enough that her greeting could indeed be heard by most of the town. “Party at the town hall in five minutes! Be there or be a square!”
Twilight winced and covered her ears while Maud simply muttered, “Ow.”
It didn't take long for the town to react to Pinkie Pie’s call, with ponies coming out of the woodwork to see what all the fuss was and perhaps finding out why they had gotten rather mysterious invites to an unnamed party. Within a few minutes most of the town seemed to have emerged from their homes, gathering in a large group before the town hall. When the group had reached a large enough size that Pinkie Pie was satisfied, she raised the mic once more, Maud and Twilight covering their ears.
“Are you ponies ready to PARTY?!” Pinkie yelled into the mic, knocking back the first row of ponies and making the rest clutch their ears in pain. “Oh, whoopsie daisy.”
Twilight scowled, using her magic to grab the mic away from the excited pink pony. “Welcome everypony! Today there will be a party competition between Cheese Sandwich-” The stallion bowed in long exaggerated motion, while the crowd roared in applause. “-Pinkie Pie-” The mare struck several poses, flexing her miniscule muscles to the amusement of the crowd. “-and Maud.” The crowd suddenly became quiet, revealing the sound of a single solitary cricket chirping somewhere near the back of the group.
Maud nodded once. “Thank you.”
“Alright, so without further ado, at the count of five get ready to party!” Twilight announced into the mic, which only seemed to rile up the crowd even more as a party battle between two of Equestria’s premiere party ponies sounded incredible.
Twilight couldn't help but grin, the crowd had recovered quickly from Pinkie’s over enthusiasm and a few more ponies seemed to have trickled in from town. At the front of the stage the three contestants stood there, in mixed states of readiness.
Pinkie Pie was blowing up a balloon while Cheese Sandwich seemed to be fine tuning a pair of bagpipes he had produced from somewhere. All while Maud stood there impassively, blinking every few seconds.
Twilight shrugged and brought the mic up to her mouth. “Five!”
Pinkie Pie tucked the balloon away and eyed a spot to the right of the crowd.
“Four!”
Cheese Sandwich noticed where Pinkie was looking and nodded, gazing out to the left and beginning his plans.
“Three!”
Maud looked at the other two contestants and nodded slowly, catching their meaning.
“Two!”
The two party ponies leaned forward, like a pair of race horses chomping at the bit.
“One!”
They both strained, barely able to contain themselves while Maud simply stood there impassively.
“Go!” Twilight shouted.
The two party ponies exploded into motion, flying to their claimed spots and landing hard. Pinkie skidded to a stop, instantly pulling out a massive collection of balloons that she began placing here and there. Cheese Sandwich had somehow managed to produce an entire dancefloor complete with lights in that same amount of time and was busy setting up two massive speakers. The pink party pony glared at her opponent and produced a slightly larger pair of speakers next to an enormous DJ booth.
As the two party ponies went back and forth, with their respective parties gaining music, balloons, streamers, fireworks, confetti, a dessert table and even more extra goodies by the second, Maud Pie stood at the head of the group, silent and unmoving. After watching the two manic party ponies go back and forth for a few minutes she pulled a small rock from her dress and whispered to it, “Do you think it's time, Boulder?”
The earth pony leaned in, listening for a reply before smiling faintly. “Me too.”
Maud tucked her pet rock away once more and disappeared into the town hall, looking for something she had set aside in preparation for this very moment.
Outside, the two party ponies had escalated their parties to occupy a good chunk of the town square and divided the populace right down the middle with either side of the populace at one party or another. Cheese Sandwich finished wrapping up his latest dance number and tossed the tuba he was playing over his shoulder.
“Beat that!” he yelled at the pink pony across from him.
The crowd roared and Pinkie pulled a microphone from her mane, spinning in place, her whole body becoming obscured by a pink whirlwind. The whirlwind vanished as quickly as it came, revealing Pinkie Pie to be wearing a slick tuxedo.
“Are you all ready to party?!” she yelled.
The crowd yelled back in unison, “YES!”
The party pony spun and pointed to the DJ booth where everyone’s favorite DJ sat ready, at the pink pony’s mark, she threw a record on the table and cranked the volume up to eleven. With the bass booming and the music drowning out almost everything, Pinkie leapt up onto a giant circular stage that hadn't been there a minute ago. “You like, you like to party, we like, we like to party. Come on everypony sing it with me!”
“WE LIKE TO PARTY, WE LIKE, WE LIKE TO PARTY!” the crowd yelled back.
“That's what I’m talking about!” Pinkie yelled back before jumping into a strangely bouncy tune.
Not to be outdone, Cheese Sandwich reappeared with an entire rock band close on his heels and after only a few minutes to set up, he suddenly leapt up onto a slightly taller stage that had been erected in mere moments. “Come on ponies, let's rock this place!”
The earth pony stallion leapt to life, grabbing a mic stand and belting out the single heaviest rock ballad Ponyville had ever heard. The crowd went wild and the numbers fluctuated away from Pinkie’s party and towards Cheese Sandwich’s, making the split almost a perfectly even fifty fifty once again.
Pinkie Pie stopped after her song was over, her teeth grinding as she noticed just how much taller her opponent’s stage was. In a few seconds and after a thunderous cacophony of hammering her stage was several feet taller than Cheese Sandwhich’s, which now towered over the partying ponies. Not to be outdone Cheese Sandwich immediately leapt into building his stage taller than even Pinkie’s.
Unnoticed by most ponies, Maud Pie walked back out onto the comparatively tiny stage that was the entrance to the town hall, a record player now in tow. The ancient wheels of the record player had long since locked, making the entire thing screech with each time the earth pony pulled at it. Finally after several minutes of screeching metal, the record player sat at the front of the small stage and Maud reached into her dress to produce a record.
The record itself was a dull grey with a purple paper disc at the center and the mare cradled it gently, sliding it onto the record player and slowly dropping the needle. Instantly a strangely subdued tune began to emerge from the record player, grabbing ponies’ attention.
The earth pony nodded her head to the beat for a few seconds before beginning to sway her hips from side to side. Pretty soon her whole body moved to the gentle music and despite the fact that she was alone she didn't care and danced with all her heart. Which is to say she continued to sway slowly to the music even after the song changed.
The earth pony’s calm but moving music along with her subtle smile seemed to attract a few curious ponies who wandered away from the two now ginormous parties raging further away. A short pegasus mare stumbled closer to the small record player, a smile growing on her lips as she pulled her hooves from her ears after realizing that she wasn't about to be blown away by volume.
The bastion of calm amidst the chaos of the two giant parties eased her frazzled nerves and she too began to gently sway to the music, following Maud’s lead. Pretty soon refugees from the now devastatingly loud party began to work their way over to Maud’s small but growing party, lured away by a simple tray of muffins and juice the earth pony mare had pulled out from inside the town hall mere moments before.
The treats were simple but good, without the mounds of frosting that the other two parties seemed so fond of. For each pony that joined her party Maud stopped and quietly thanked them for joining her, an action that seemed to attract more and more ponies as the other two parties grew louder, less personal and bizarrely tall.
Soon the majority of ponies had gathered around Maud’s simple snack trays and were swaying to the subtle rhythm of her strange music. A fact that the other two party ponies didn't even seem to notice in the slightest.
Their bands had already been worn out from the frantic pace that the two party ponies had set and they glared at each other from across their now thirty foot tall stages. Pinkie Pie’s voice was growing hoarse and her limbs were beginning to ache, but she pushed on, singing another song while nailing another stage extension to her now perilous tower. “Anything you can be, I can be greater!” she half sung, half yelled at her counterpart.
Cheese Sandwich stopped hammering his newest giant wheel of wooden cheese in order to grab his microphone. “Sooner or later, I’m greater than you!”
“No, you’re not,” Pinkie replied
“Yes, I am.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am!”
“No, you’re not!”
“Yes, I am. Yes, I am!”
The two party ponies stopped, exchanging a quick glare as they both began to hammer away, frantically adding another few feet to their swaying stages. As they hammered away they began to sing in their conflicting, arguing way, the blows of their tools creating a strangely harmonious beat as they built into the sky.
By now the music of the two party ponies was so high up that it could be hardly heard and in the shadow of their giant stages no pony danced. Nopony ate the decadent treats they had set out and nopony continued to try and listen to the crazy party ponies.
The entire town had gathered before the town hall, where they all lazily swayed to the entrancing melody of Maud’s unique music. The snack and juice bar had to be refilled twice but Maud was nothing if not diligent, ensuring that each one of her guests had a snack, a drink and a heartfelt thanks for joining her party.
As the hours passed and the stages grew to truly insane heights, Maud’s party continued strong. Her music shifted to a more upbeat but still reserved tone and though ponies came and went, nopony returned to the two party ponies’ parties.
As the afternoon wore on and ponies slowly began to disperse, Maud took to the stage to show off her patented slow and patient moves in what some would describe as a display of grace and calm. Soon there were only a few ponies left, and as the sun began to set, Maud was forced to say goodbye to the last few ponies that had remained until the bitter end. The earth pony mare was overcome with emotion and she smiled wider than she had in a long time, before noticing the look Boulder was giving her out of the corner of her eye.
“It was quite the moving party, wasn't it?” she whispered to the pet rock.
With a nod the subdued mare lifted the needle from her record player and stowed it along with the now empty snack table back inside the town hall. Once finished, she walked over to Twilight Sparkle, who was staring intently at the towering skyscrapers that were once stages, her horn glowing brightly.
“The party is over,” Maud stated simply.
Twilight nodded. “Right, just give me a sec to weave a spell to ensure those two knuckleheads don't bury half the town in rubble and don't break something when they fall.”
Maud nodded, looking up, and up and up, at the stages that rose so high into the air that she couldn't even see their tops.
After a few more seconds of intense concentration the alicorn’s horn erupted into a flash of light and instantly the two towers were gone, replaced by two pools filled with water.
Maud frowned ever so slightly, looking at the small pools. “Are you sure that's enough?”
Twilight nodded. “Don't worry, I thought something like this would happen and enchanted the pools to ensure they won't get hurt.”
Maud nodded once more, turning her eyes skywards where two tiny specks were rapidly descending from the heavens.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,” they screamed as they fell, both ponies trying to flap their legs as if that would help.
The two flailing, screaming forms landed in their respective pools with barely a sound other than a soft sploosh. A second later and the two emerged from their pools with panicked expressions on their faces.
“What the hay Twilight? I was this close to having my first ever stratosphere party!” Pinkie half yelled, half whined.
“My party would have been out of this world Twilight, out of this world!” Cheese Sandwich griped.
The alicorn merely rolled her eyes. “The party is over you two, everypony left and we have a winner.”
Instantly the two party ponies’ eyes lit up and they sprinted over to Twilight. “So who is it Twilight, I bet it's me, I am the party queen after all!” Pinkie Pie announced, smiling regally.
Cheese Sandwich rolled his eyes. “Are you loco in the coco?”
“Hey, that's my line!” Pinkie yelled indignantly, raising her hoof as if to slap him.
“Neither of you won,” Twilight stated before turning to the quiet, dress clad mare before her. “Maud Pie is the party queen.”
“Wha-” both party ponies muttered in shock.
Maud smiled faintly. “Thank you, Twilight.”
“Bwuh?” Pinkie asked, gesturing wildly to her sister.
Cheese Sandwich frowned. “My thoughts exactly.”
Twilight rolled her eyes at the two party ponies and pointed to the blackboard. “As you can see your parties were fun and the average joy levels were high and rising but after your stages grew to the six story mark and your music was drowned out, everypony joined Maud’s party. Even though her joy levels were lower than yours, every last party goer joined her party and stayed there for much longer. Making her the clear victor. See?” The alicorn gestured to the blackboard once more.
The two party ponies stared in awe at the sheer amount of graphs and math that dotted the blackboard before reluctantly turning to one another. “Aww, fiddlesticks,” they groaned before falling over.
Maud smiled faintly, gazing out over the now quiet town. “My work here is done.”