"Hello, thanks for calling FU. How may I be of service?"
"Hello, thanks for calling FU. How may I be of service?" I said into the Distance Speaker. From the other side came the sound of a voice.
"Um...Hi, my name is Star Sprinkle and I want to enlist my little colt into your school. He's fourteen but has passed all his classes early, the genius foal, and I wanted to know if there is an age problem I should be aware of."
Thinking back to my training, I did my best to recall any such rule. I failed.
"No ma'am, there is no rule against young students. Would you like me to enlist him?" I went silent, of course, waiting for a response.
"Oh, thank goodness. Yes, I would like to...enlist...you say? No matter. What will the cost be?"
Ah, the pricing. That one thing that we claim is unimportant yet controls so much of our life.
"It will cost at least 10,345 bits, without tax, depending on the SAT or ACI test scores he takes." I waited.
Oh, no. she inhaled, and from the sound of it, through her teeth. One of those ones.
"Yikes, that's a lot. Is there any way I could get a lower price? I don't even know if he'll like the school, so I'd rather not invest too much at the moment if you catch my drift."
Drift? "No, I'm afraid I didn't catch a drift of any sort, but I can tell you that side from the SAT or ACI tests, I'm afraid lower prices are unachievable. Is there anything else I can help you with?" from the other end, the females voice smoothed out considerably.
"Well, maybe if you help me, I can help you." How could she help me? I don't need to enroll into the school. I work for the school. I told her this.
"Ha. You're funny. The point is, I need a lower price and from just the sound of your voice you need some...satisifaction. What do you say?" What do I say? Well...alright then.
"Every day I say 'Hello, thanks for calling FU. How may I be of service?'. does that answer your question?"
"Exactly! You need some release big boy. We could service each other." What is this female creature talking about?
"I was released years ago from mind control. I do not want to be released from my job. May I help you with anything else today?" a strange sound emanated from the Distance Speaker.
"Ugh. Nevermind. I'll just pay it. How much did you say?"
"Hello, thanks for calling FU. How may I be of service?"
"Uh..."
I shook the Distance Speaker. "Hello?"
"Uuh…"
There was some kind of static coming from the other end. "Sir can you hear me over that low gurgeling sound?"
"Is...is this...ah...the hospital? I was ca...carrying a box of kni...knives and...tripped."
Ah I see. Poor stallion. He'll need help. "The hospital number is 972-7200. I suggest you make an appointment. Knife stabs can be very hazardous to your health."
"Uuuh…"
"Ah, ah, ah, please save your breath for the hospital receptionist, you'll need it. Have a nice day."
"..."
"Hello, thanks for calling FU. How may I be of service?"
"Hello 13. It's me, Twilight. I wanted to ask you how Spike is doing."
"You are an element of harmony Princess Twilight. You may ask me any question that does not include murder, rape, or war."
"Um...right, anyway, so how is Spike doing?"
"Oh he's doing terrible."
"What!?"
"Oh yes. He's had D's throughout the year. I think he got an A in the social studies, but that one's taught by what you ponies call a slut."
"What!?!?"
"A 'slut'. You ponies seem to consider sexual interaction as a payment a very poor substitute for money. As I was saying, Spike hasn't been doing to well at all. The last fight he had was to the death. Unfortunately for the police, no recordings or evidence could be found that insinuated it was him. Then again, I don't know how many of our students have claws. Oh well, you understand how foals, and baby dragons, are."
"..."
"Oh, by the way, would you like me to send you the adoption papers for his child? He said you'd be happy to take them."
Oh, she hung up. Must be something important.
"Hello, thanks for calling FU. How may I be of service?" I got what sounded like familiar sobs in response.
"13! She did it again!"
"Oh, I am sorry. would you like to talk about it?"
"Yes! I just don't know what to do! Waaa!"
"Now please, compose yourself, grab a few tissues and tell me what happened."
"sniff. Okay. She...I was going to perform for everypony again, just to spread a little happiness, ya know? I was doing fine with the normal stuff until she was crowd. Ponies were moving out of her stupid way, bowing before her stupid self, and she looked at me with her stupid face!"
"Ah, I see. That was certainly..." I searched for a word in my mind. "...stupid of her."
"I know right!? Anyway, one of her friends told me I should stop scamming ponies. It's not my fault I'm good at what I do!"
"No it is not."
"Anyway, I left, of course making sure not to cry until I could talk to you."
"I understand. No explanation necessary." By now the sniffles and sobs had died down.
"Thank you 13. I can always feel good talking to you."
"No problem. I'm here to help. After all: 'Friendship is Magic™'."
"Ha. At least one of her quotes made sense. Thank you again 13. This means a lot to me. Ciao!"
"Chow to you too."
That Trixie can't seem to catch a break.
"Hello, thanks for calling FU. Ho-"
"That's only for the reception desk, 13."
"Oh, yes Mister King."
"Mow many times must I tell you, it's just King to my employees? You guys are like family."
"Understood mister King."
"That's better. Now, how many calls have you handled thus far?"
"Thirteen thousand, seven hundred and eighty-nine."
"That's good. I think you'll go far. Um, may I ask, how many went badly?"
"Um...from my statistics I can tell you that we didn't enroll six hundred and sixty-six students."
"Oh. Uh..alright then. ahem you may...return to your work station. I need to uh...pray for lives."
"Of course sir. Farewell."
"Please do not say it like that."
"Goodbye?"
"No."
"Adieu?"
"No."
"Adios muchachos?"
"Nuh uh."
"Uh...sayonara?"
"Definitely not."
"...um...see you tomorrow?"
"That works. Good day 13."
"Au revoir." I exited the office.