Don't Touch My Pepsi!
"Open the door, Dick!"
"You can't hide away from us!"
"Just give us the bottle and nopony has to be hurt!"
I clenched the bottle of pepsi tightly as I hid in the wardrobe, locked inside my hotel's room. Sweat was dripping from my forehead and I whimpered at every loud bang that came from the door.
This is really bad! Focus, there has be a way out! I can't jump through the window, it's the sixth floor, but I can't stay here forever. The door will eventually give in... I have no other choice.
I lifted the bottle up to my face as I closed my eyes, wondering where it all went so wrong.
I was browsing through youtube, getting my daily dose of internet and melting whatever I had left of my brain, when i decided to take a short break and get up to grab something to drink.
After grabbing the bottle of pepsi from the fridge, I turned around only to face-slam into a wall.
I fell on my backside and mentally prepared myself to hit the fridge with the back of my head, but the impact never came.
"...What the hell?"
When I came to my senses, I realized I was no longer in my home, It was either the giant building in front of me or the fact that I was now outside.
Wherever I ended up, it didn't seem familiar to me in any way. I turned around, and noticed the place looked a lot like a village, which doesn't make a lot of sense considering that I lived in the middle of a huge city. I also couldn't see any people around. For a second i thought this place might be abandoned, but then something strange caught my eye.
One by one, i saw multicolored miniature horses pop out from around corners, probably curious about the racket I caused by forcefully slamming my face into a wall.
In the moment of confusion, I felt something familiar under my fingers and realized that the bottle of pepsi made it through platform nine and three quarters along with me. I grabbed it and stood up, massaging my face with a grimace.
It felt like the miniature horses surrounded me at this point, but they all kept a safe distance. It was kind of weird, especially when i noticed just how expressive their faces were. Each stood at the height of my stomach, had really huge eyes, and came in a multitude of bright colors. Most of them seemed either curious or fearful, with the latter clearly being the dominant emotion there.
For a moment I thought about just awkwardly making my way through the crowd and finding someone to ask for directions. Before i could make up my mind, one of them sprinted up to me and started speaking!
“Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie!" This one was bright pink and apparently hadn't discovered her inside voice yet. The massive grin on her face took a few hits when I fell back onto my ass, trying to fight a panic attack.
"Motherfucker! You can talk?!"
"Of course I can talk, silly! I was talking ever since my ma and pa taught me how! I saw that you're new to Ponyville and I wanted to ask when you want to have your party! Oh oh oh I can't wait! It will be the first time I get to throw a party for a minotaur! There was a minotaur here once but he was much bigger and a big meanie so Fluttershy told him to go away and it worked! But you look really weird for a minotaur! You don't have much fur and no horns, your face is all flat and your—"
That's when i opened the pepsi and let it spray in her snout.
All the other horses seemed really taken back by that. Several of them even decided to take cover, but the pink— Pinkie Pie didn't seem that scared or angry after the spray ended. In fact, she seemed extremely excited and her pupils seemed to grow in size as i stared at her in horror.
Or, at least I assume she was female.
"That. Was. Amazing! What is that?! Why does it taste so good?!"
"...Uh, can I—"
A new voice spoke up from behind my accoster. "That's enough, Pinkie." A purple aura surrounded the pink horse and lifted her off the ground, levitating her in place.
I was too focused on the impossibility happening before me to pay attention to the new horse approaching me, this one being much more purple.
Fucking hell, it’s got a horn! And wings! It's a unicorn! A pegasus! A Pegacorn! Is it doing the magic to the evil pink one?!
"Hello, let me introduce myself. I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle. Welcome to Ponyville!" she proclaimed, trying to hide away her nervousness with a smile.
"Uhm. Hey. My name's Dick." Her ears instantly went down at the mention of my name and she seemed to blush. So did most of the ponies around. The ones who didn't snickered instead.
"Uh... C-can you repeat that?"
"I said, my name is Dick" More snickering. "Dick Dickson." Audible giggles. "Uh, listen, can we go somewhere private? I'm really not comfortable out in the open like this." And the crowd burst into laughter.
She was completely red by the time I finished. Instead of saying anything, she nodded and started walking away, levitating the pink menace along with her. I awkwardly followed her, trying not to pay any attention to the crowd behind me. Seriously, what is their problem?
It was a short walk from where I appeared to where Twilight took me, which seemed like a giant palace made of some shiny stuff. It looked almost like crystals. Somehow I doubt the government would spend a fortune on building a palace made of gems and crystals.
Surely they had some higher priorities, right?
We walked through the doorway and stopped just inside of the entrance. Thankfully, she left Pinkie Pie outside. Once there, she turned around and our eyes met once more, though we both seemed more calm.
"Listen, I know things didn't went too well back outside, so let's try again." She took a deep breath and smiled at me. "Greetings, my name is Twilight Sparkle. What is your name?"
"I’m Dick." Her smile took a bit of a hit, but she stayed vigilant. "And I really have no idea where I am or what happened. Where are the other people?"
"Other... people?"
"You know, humans? You don't want to tell me talking horses and mythical creatures are all there is in this place?"
Her smile slowly disappeared and her eyes narrowed. "Excuse me, but we are not horses. We are ponies. I have no idea what 'humans' are, either."
I sighed and sat down on the floor, putting the bottle of pepsi away and placing my face in my hands. "This is getting us nowhere."
Twilight sat next to me, looking concerned. "Tell me what happened. Maybe we can figure things out."
So I did. It didn't take long to tell her how I came here, considering it consisted of me trying to grab pepsi and then appearing in this village the second later, but we took more time on explaining our species to one another. She told me a bit about her world. In exchange I tried to explain her what memes were, but sadly she didn't really get it.
"Actually, speaking of your world, what is that thing that you brought with yourself?"
"Ah, that's—" I reached over to try and grab the bottle, but it was not there anymore. A quick, panicked scan across the room showed me something very pink drinking my pepsi right next to the door.
Oh fuck no you don't!
I got up and sprinted to the darn pony, grabbing the bottle from her hooves and quickly looking at how much she drank.
About a fourth of the bottle was gone, but thankfully it was two liters so there was still plenty left. I turned my eyes from the bottle to Pinkie Pie, who seemed to be thirstily eyeing the bottle.
After a quick look around, I noticed a small stand with what seemed like newspapers and few other magazines. I grabbed a newspaper, rolled it up, and smacked her on the snout just as I heard Twilight try to say something from behind me.
"No, bad pony! Don't touch the pepsi!"
"Owie! Wait, what is it called?"
"Pepsi."
"Bepis?"
"Pepsi."
"Conke?"
"What even—"
"Okay gotta go see you later!" And just like that she dashed through the door and disappeared. I turned around and saw Twilight standing right behind me, looking at me disapprovingly.
"What? She was drinking my pepsi!"
"Uh... huh. And again, what exactly is this 'pepsi'?"
I eyed the bottle for a second before shrugging and handing her it. She took it with her magic uncertainly as I explained, "It's basically a soft drink with a lot of sugar and other chemical substances in it. Usually causes diabetes, but the taste is worth it."
She seemed to be studying what's written on it for a second, her nuzzle scrunching adorably a few times. Eventually she shrugged, untwisted the cap, and took a small swig. I eyed her with a mild interest for a moment, watching as the similar reaction happened as with Pinkie Pie, her pupils slowly going wide and a small smile coming to her face.
And then just like that, she started chugging the bottle.
"Oh you fucker!" I grabbed the bottle from her lips and pulled. I had to tug harder to get it away from her magic.
I grabbed the cork from the ground where it fell and shoved it back into the bottle, all the while watching how Twilight shivered from delight. Great, that's already half of the bottle gone.
"Ugh, I need more!" she whined as she tried to magic the bottle back to herself. I held on tight and started backing to the door, Twilight following me with hunger in her eyes.
"Stay away, spawn of satan!" Her tugging was starting to get stronger, to the point where I could barely hold onto the bottle anymore. Twilight wasn’t straining in the slightest, probably just toying with me before forcing pepsi out of my hands.
So I let go of the bottle and let it slap her in the face, dropping her on the ground.
Before she managed to get up, I grabbed the bottle and started running, trying to get somewhere away from those damn insane ponies.
I swear to god, if I make it back home, I'll be changing to coke!
...
On second thought, maybe—
I didn't had time to finish that thought, since something slammed into me from the side. I dropped to the ground and spat a few curses under my breath, trying to hold onto my damaged side.
"Well well well, what do we have here?" I heard a cocky female voice ask from right next to me. "A monster running around the Ponyville, scaring ponies? Maybe I should drag you to Everfree forest... Or bring you to Fluttershy, she would know what to do with you!" I looked over and saw a teal pegasus with rainbow colored mane and tail. So apparently gay ponies are a thing too.
I coughed violently and tried getting up, when I saw her grab the bottle with one of her wings and eye it curiously. "Is it like a potion or something? Did you steal it from Twilight?"
"Dont... drink it!" I wheezed out, trying to get myself back in action. God, I wouldn't be surprised if she broke a few of my ribs. That was powerful!
Her smirk turned into a shit grin as she uncorked the bottle and started drinking it. Once again, her eyes unfocused for a moment, then her pupils went super wide as her drinking sped up quickly.
Thankfully at this point, i was up on my legs and slowly made my way to her. She really seemed to be holding onto that bottle with all her strength. In my fucked up state I couldn't just take it, so I had to think of a way to pry it off of her hooves and quickly.
I looked around my immediate area and found nothing of use other than few broken branches, some ponies staring at me, and Pinkie Pie badly trying to hide herself in one of the bushes.
So I went for the first idea I got: smacking the pepsi-chugging pony in the head with a bigger tree branch, knocking her out cold.
The bottle loosely fell out of her hooves and I quickly picked it up so none of it would spill. After I recorked the bottle, I realized I might have made a mistake. Now that the ponies saw me smack the blue pony who absolutely attacked me first, they started panicking and trying to call for help.
I didn’t knew ponies invented racism.
Before I realized what I was doing, I started running again, doing my best to dodge any pony that tried to tackle me on my mad dash. A familiar tune started playing in my head as more and more ponies tried to block my way. Some of the less fearful ones got over their panic and tried to stop me from escaping.
I'm not sure for how long I was running, but I saw a train station in the distance, with a train just preparing to depart. I picked up some extra speed and bolted for it, getting aboard just as the doors closed and the train started moving. Looking through the window confirmed that about half of the village was after me. Pinkie Pie, Twilight and the teal pegasus were in the lead and watched me leave with disappointment in their eyes.
I let out a deep breath as I practically fell into my seat, letting out a small grunt at how tiny it was. A short look around the place confirmed that I'm a lucky son-of-a-bitch, as nobody else boarded the train except for me and one strange looking mare with a wizard hat and cape. Her hair reminded me a bit of a toothpaste and she seemed to have been checking herself in a small mirror. I decided to ignore her and instead focus on extinguishing the fire in my lungs.
A few moments later, I saw a stallion enter the cart, probably checking tickets. I thought for a moment that I was fucked, but he took one look at me, another look at the strange wizard checking herself in the mirror, then shook his head and turned around, muttering something under his nose that sounded awful lot like, "No more salt before work".
The trip seemed really calm and I got off on the nearest station. The wizard mare stopped looking at herself at one point and when she realized that I was there with her, she decided to instead stare at me with insane intensity without saying a single word until i got out
Everything for the next week felt like In a haze. The city I got off at was called apparently Fillydelphia, because my life is a joke and by that rule everything around me is a joke too.
I got to a hotel, tried getting myself a room, realized it required money and not being a freak of nature by standards of the locals. Instead, I decided to sneak in at night, grab a key, and lock myself in one of the unoccupied rooms.
I had no idea what to do. I was stranded in a completely different land with no knowledge of how to get back, in a place populated by colorful ponies who considered me either a monster or a joke. As if that was not enough, they all want my pepsi.
But I will not give up your pepsi. They cannot have it. I must protect it at all costs. It's my precious.
My insane ramblings were interrupted by a sudden tugging of the door handle. It took me a second to realize what's happening, but what I heard next sent an icy chill down my spine.
"Dick! I know you're here! The staff has been missing a key to this one single room, and they said they saw you here before! Open the door! We only want to talk" Twilight called out through the door.
"No we don't! We want the bepis! You already forgot, Twilight?" Pinkie Pie called out next, making me snort softly.
Which turned out to be a mistake. "We can hear you! Open the door right now! We are getting that bottle whenever you like it or not!" the teal pegasus called out, slamming the door harder.
In a panicked rush, I grabbed the bottle and dashed into the wardrobe.
...Yeah, I could've played it out better from the start.
"Girls! Stand back!" Twilight called out. I could suddenly feel my hair standing up. My suspicions were confirmed a second later when I heard a literal lightning bolt explode just a few meters away.
Okay, no more time to waste, you have to do this, Dick. Let it all end.
Hoofsteps and annoyed grunts filled my room for a few seconds before it all went quiet, with no sound other than hoofsteps nearing the wardrobe.
Suddenly the doors swung open, a smug-looking Twilight looking in, before her look turned to horrified as she watched me empty the bottle before her.
I finished with a loud sigh and a burp, looking at them with a smirk.
"You don't get my precious... Nobody will!"
Needless to say, they weren't very happy.
I was about ready to bail the second they made any move. When I saw Twilight's horn light up, i instantly started running.
And slammed face first into my fridge at my home.
I fell on my backside and looked around confused, my face once again full of pain.
After a short moment, I shrugged, got up, and went back to my computer to look up more memes after this way-too-long break.
I sat down and opened up youtube. With a bit of curiosity, I noticed that the time hadn’t changed at all from the moment I got up and went for pepsi to the moment I came back.
Maybe I was just knocked out and dreaming? Hit my head on something and went down?
I placed the bottle of pepsi on my desk, and immediately noticed that it was empty.
"Oh motherfucker!”