Rule #1: I will NOT try to send civilization downhill by welcoming foreign creatures to cause major destruction, which will cost me and my friends’ lives.
Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, and eventually, she’ll end up giving into one of her friend’s suggestions and end up as a cashier in some thrift store or something. Probably for advertisement, and seriously, no one’s gonna ignore the fact that their princess works in a local market daily. Those idiots would probably bring Ziplocks to collect royal sweat, if that’s what it takes to get a few bucks.
Anywho, Twilight was having a fairly wonderful day. She’d woken up to a stack of pancakes and not a cloud in the sky, prior to the weather patrol who’d somehow ended up on her roof after a windstorm one morning. Right now, she had one thing on her mind; read and relaxation.
Of course, as every story goes, there is, alas, a villain, here to ruin plans.
Rainbow Dash bounded down the stairs, her rainbow tail flicking behind her as she soon reached the bottom. She had this huge grin on her face that many citizens of Ponyville would run away from as soon as possible, fearing what next evil plot was brewing her head.
“Hey, Twilight!” Rainbow Dash called, unusually cheerfully. The alicorn mare stayed at eye level with the book. Dash dramatically sighed. “Oh, what ever shall I do?” She looked up towards the cobwebbed ceiling. “If only I had somepony to assist me with my evil plot,”
See, told you.
Rainbow Dash paused and glanced over. A tense silence took over, broken by the sound of her flipping the page. “Are you even listening?” Twilight raised an eyebrow. Not like she had one though. Rainbow groaned. “I am plotting the end of society? Hello? Grasp your attention somehow?” At this,Twilight stared at her friend wide-eyed.
“You WHAT?” Dash rubbed her hooves together menacingly, knowing she’d gotten through her, somehow, or in other words, phase 1. A sickeningly sweet grin found way onto her face. “That means you’ll help? Great! Now…” the 'villain' retrieved a map from under a crack in the wall, crumbled and stained from old age, along with a couple cherry soda cans, as if she planned everything right down to the punctuation marks.
Unfurling the old thing, it was revealed to be a map of Equestria. With a Hasbro logo on the bottom right corner. “…here’s where we attack-“
“Woah, woah, woah, wait a second- Is our- I-I mean, your plot taking place in the Changeling Hive?” Twilight shakily asked, with wide eyes. [If she keeps this up, her eyes will probably fall out of her skull.] Noticing this, Rainbow smiled wider. That was enough of an answer for Twilight. Before she could turn tail and run for her life, she squinted her eyes at the Pegasus. “And where, exactly, are you going to get bungee rope and.... synthetic mustache hair? A-and do you even have an actual plan?” Twilight breathed out.
Rainbow Dash tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Well…. In a word, yes… well, do you have a plan? Yes. Me? No, unless you count my health plan or something. And as for the supplies... I'm committing 'break and enter' into Mr. Zorgenelschecerdensteinphermcbergodorff. But as you can see, I can’t do this alone.” She said this with as much seriousness as she could muster. Twilight shook her head, worryingly.
"Poor Mr. Zorgenelschecerdensteinphermcbergodorff."
Twilight almost had fallen right into her trap. Her dirty, little trap. But she was unfortunately smarter than that, or..depending on whose view we’re looking at.
“So, will you do it?” Rainbow Dash asked innocently, practically glowing like an innocent little angel. “Eh……” Twilight struggled. Look past that halo, Twilight. She’s nothing but a little demon under all that... She looked over to Dash, sitting by her hooves, glancing back up, sparkling eyes, and hopefulness. And those eyes. Oh gosh, those sparkling eyes….
“Uh, hey Dash?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re a real anthole, you know that?”
“I... get that a lot.”
Dash tilted her head and planted her flank into the solid floor. “So… is that a yes?”
Twilight buried her face into her book and sobbed, as she’d had just about enough for one morning. “It’s only ten o’ clock.” she cried, Dash giving her an odd stare. “And you already turned my day into Tartaurus.” Dash pat her on the shoulder gently. “It’s okay, I won’t ruin anything. That is, unless you surrender now, lay down that sword, and allow me to take the steeling wheel, but hey,” She put her hooves up offensively. “That’s just me.”
Twilight breathed in slowly. “…no.” she grunted between gritted teeth. If there really was a halo above her cyan friend’s head, it would have burst into a million pieces. Her ears drooped as she got up to all fours with a sigh.
“Oh, oh well… I guess I’ll just have to ask somepony else…” she turned her back and proceeded out of the door, waiting for phase 2 to take place. Suddenly, subliminal images of Fluttershy and Pinkie leading a changeling army, with Dash leading the troop, flashed proudly behind her vision. She did what anyone would do if her friends would be accomplices to a crime they had no intend in knowing what the heck they had gotten into.
And neither did Twilight.
As if Rainbow Dash could read minds. She turned towards Twilight and raised her head. “So…. have I won yet? Or am I gonna have to convince an innocent somepony else with death threats?” Twilight shook her head briskly. Rainbow turned her back again, smirking evilly. “Perfect…” Twilight placed her hooves above her head and released the book from her magical grip.
“So… what exactly are you doing with the Changeling army, bungee rope, mustache hair, and... a map?” She asked carefully. Rainbow took place on a nearby chair, and folded her arms. “Well, genius, I’m bringing the changeling army to Ponyville, you know, to get their mojo back, by,” She crushed the soda can in her hooves, which sizzled and spurted out its liquid.
“Destruction.”
Twilight leapt off her seat. “Oh, no you don’t! No way!” she swept her hooves in such a manner it looked as if she was swatting flies. “Do you know what that could do to Equestria’s social well-being?” Rainbow smiled innocently. “I could care less- like, a lot, but, shoot.” She folded her arms and sat back.
“Well… you see, after you get caught in the act, first comes jury, then comes the decision, which you obviously have no chance in finding another loophole through this one,”
Dash pouted at this, “…you get thrown behind bars, then…. you and you’re fricking weirdness when it comes to ‘getting out of things’ will cause disruption within the government, conspiracies, and then poof! We fall out as a community and then…” she took a sip of her own soda can and stared uninterestingly at the ceiling.
“….then ponies start randomly killing themselves and apparently, at that point, it’s not being a little shiz anymore. It’s being civilized.” Another sip. “Then before you know it, everyone’s dead and this place’ll look like Fallout 4.” Dash brightened up at this, tossing that crushed can across the room.
“Even better than I’d expected! So, you gonna still help?”
...
“No.”
“When we have everyone dead, I’ll honor you with the responsibility of Flash Century’s death.”
“Sign me up.”
Princess Celestia, for one, was having a fairly good day. She woke up to a plate of vanilla frosted pancakes, and the day was, so far, quite peaceful. Luna was out, and now she had the room all to herself, where she now sat by the window, snacking on a slice of leftover cake.
Suddenly, her wonderful morning was interrupted, as a loud thundering sound erupted from the streets, where crowds of ponies were fleeing, apparently being chased down by a black, gaseous cloud. The eldest princess squinted through the glass, only to see a large army of ‘reformed’ changelings charging through Canterlot. What scared her though, wasn’t the fact that her streets where being mauled by a riot of changelings, or that she'd recently witnessed a filly get swallowed by one whole, no. Though any sane person would actually take that into some consideration.
It was that a mustached Rainbow Dash was being carried on a throne by a pair of Changeling guards, laughing haughtily. And behind her was Twilight, covering her face with one of her hooves regretfully.
A trio of unicorn guards burst through the doors. The bowed before the princess who’d looked slightly shaken. “Princess,” one panted exhaustively. “One of the guards, F-flash Century…. He’s been… kidnapped by the changelings….” They took off their helmets and lowered their heads in unison. “Shall we sentence their master to death?” another one piped up.
Celestia turned to face the window again, as Dash sat pridefully on her throne, as a roped Flash Century was lugged into the back compartment of Rainbow's throne. Eh, someone has to keep my sky clean. As for Twilight… Twilight was wailing hysterically now, unsure whether it was of joy or... pain. Someone does have to take over when I retire…. Celestia waved a hoof nonchalantly.
“Silver Serenade,” the white unicorn guard looked up to the ruler's strictly serious expression.
“Get the bug spray.”
"Oh shiz, Dash." Twilight cursed under her breath. Just a couple hours ago, the pair had rampaged through Ponyville, and now, Canterlot was being converted to a pile of rubble. Bloody rubble.
Not like anypony died, though, but sure a few fillies had been mentally scarred for life, yes, and certainly more that a few. Even Blueblood was cowering under the safety of a torn down vegetable cart on the street side.
Major destruction? Check. And check that twice. Rainbow mentally pat herself on the shoulder, and stared over the land beneath her, her work of art. A true masterpiece.
"I think we're about done here, that's enough destruction for one day," she grinned. Twilight blinked.
"One day?"
"Slaves! Take us home!" Rainbow cheered, as the changeling guards took off, with Twilight reluctantly following behind.
Ponyville
Twilight rubbed her temples. "Dash, you've officially killed me. Both mentally and physically." She sighed, while Dash groaned and threw herself into the chair.
"Seriously? You're still alive, right? Therefore, I've not pushed you to your limits yet," Rainbow Dash stated matter-of-factly, with a puff of her chest and the signature arm cross.
Twilight levitated a comic book off the counter, with some unicorn witch on the cover, and a really ticked-off Manticore. She flipped to a page noisily and rested her face on her hoof.
"If I'm supposedly immortal, how, Dash, could I die? Or... Will I just have to suffer you're existence for all eternity?" The pegasus huffed.
"Well, I-"
"No. Save it-- please, it's only 3:37, and I need my R&R, please?" she was on the verge of tears again. Unfortunately, this kind of detail can swiftly pass the simple mind of this villian. Oh, what a disadvantage this is.
Dash rolled her eyes. Was she really going to give into some measly egghead? Well, it had to happen eventually.
"Fiiine," Dash whined, laying her head back into the cushions. "But tomorrow, no mercy." Twilight simply yawned at this, putting Dash on the offensive.
Rainbow leapt off the couch and hovered over it warningly. " I'll be back, Sparkle..." She bitterly spat out that last part like dirt. "... And YOU WILL EVENTUALLY PAY-"
"Ok, see you after dinner."
Dash breathed in, and hung her head defeatedly, still hovering the couch. She slowly took off for the front door.
"Oh, OK. See you,"
Rule #2: I will NOT assemble a league of furbies to raid the local diner for my free breakfast deal
...
And I will ALSO NOT EVER pose as a comic book superhero, for it puts my friends to shame.
Fluttershy raised an eyebrow.
"Um, Rainbow Dash?" she muttered, air growing more intense by the millisecond, "Are you sure this is a good idea?"
The cyan mare scoffed, "Pfft-- good idea? Of course not; it's genius! Plus, I found my second perfect candidate!" she was practically overflowing with wicked joy. It was scary.
And that wasn't even the gist of it.
Fluttershy slumped back, her final rebuttal a single eye roll. So she leaned back, and glared at the ceiling instead. Of course, since directing your inner frustration with your best friend is just horribly rude.
Suddenly, a thought came to mind.
"Er, Rainbow, didn't you mention something... about the synthetic mustache, nylon stuff..."
"Ah," she brightened in remembrance, "Yeah, that'll become relevant later on. Oh, and I think we need to go shopping eventually, too. I'm sure we're low on demolition supplies,"
"A-and the nylon?"
"Eh, rope stuff, safety junk." she swerved back around to the laptop screen, "Like those harness thingies-- uh the...the nylon ones?"
Fluttershy nodded.
"It's uh, you know, the one that prevents you from falling and dying. That-- that nylon stuff."
"That's... depressing,"
"--Wait, hold the phone..." Clicking on a link faster than lightning (much unlike the network performance), Dash scanned over the E-buy item list, before reading aloud,
FURBY EDITION #1: WOW SUPER RARE!!!11!!
$750.00
FREE SHIPPING (maybe)
"Jackpot!" Dash exclaimed, awaking the pastel pegasus from her thoughts. "Fluttershy, look at--
"HOLY GOSH!"
"What?"
"Seven-hundred and fifty bits?!" Dash whined, "H-how am I supposed to get that much money in four days?!"
Fluttershy leaned aside, eyes widening as she too, ran her gaze across the ridiculous pricing. She was barely able to push past her friend to gain control of the mouse, before scrolling down the page, revealing some interesting information.
Dash suddenly felt the other mare's tension vanish.
"Oh, no need to worry, Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy pointed out, "The payment is shown in DOH-LARSE, not bits!"
"Oh no," Rainbow groaned, "I don't even know what doh-larses are! This couldn't possibly get any worse!"
"It turns out," the butter-yellow mare commented, "That doh-larses are actually a form of currency from, according to Twilight, another civilization," Dash deflated further.
"But the upside is, bits are worth a ton more in their world; I heard it's like offering them gold!"
Rainbow sprang up, "Wait so, like, we could buy a heck ton of those guys on E-buy and still have money leftover?"
"W-were you planning on spending ALL of your savings, Dash?" Fluttershy looked incredulous.
But her question was instantly declined, as the other pegasus was back on the screen in ten-seconds flat, along with multiple obnoxious dinging noises. Scooting her chair over, Fluttershy glanced across the now active screen and shrieked in dismay.
"Yep. I just order 562 furbies! I'm sure to gain national dominion this time!" she puffed out her chest in the most proud-like manner, as Fluttershy stared in horror.
"National.... national dominion?" she echoed, "Dashie, are you... are you absolutely sure this is a good idea?" she carefully worded.
"I mean, can't you just... like, um, step on a few cans and not throw them away?"
Rainbow huffed, "Uh, DUH-- and breakfast. Breakfast, too."
"What are you--"
"Look," The athletic pegasus sighed, "Total government control means free breakfast specials on Tuesdays. You know how much I love Tasty's Egg SandwichesTM,"
Fluttershy opened her mouth, only to quickly close it. It was rare to see her friend so prepared and organized, much less in a situation that was not at all related to any sort of competition. Not to mention that it almost warmed her heart to see her friend so gleeful.
Almost.
So Fluttershy narrowed her eyes, mustering up her 'assertive' face.
"Rainbow Dash, I'm being serious!" she shrieked, "Is sending a 'reformed' changeling army to Canterlot just not enough? Listen; I understand that you-- Wait, does the free Tuesday breakfast come with Smiley PancakesTM?"
Rainbow blinked, slowly returning herself back to her seat.
"Uh... yeah."
"Oh, I just love Smiley Pancakes," Fluttershy fluttered her lashes, glancing dreamily up at the ceiling fan, "Those cute, little smiley faces, and the strawberry cheeks! Ah, and the whipped cream hair-- it's just so adorable... but alas,"
She placed her hoof above her forehead, "Due to story arc, I have been unable to visit this fine establishment to receive my required balanced breakfast, oh woe is me,"
"Well, you're really bad at emotionally guilt-tripping," Rainbow winced, "But fair.
"After our domination, you can have all the Smiley Pancakes you want!"
"Horray!" Fluttershy 'cheered'.
"Now, it's time for phase two to unfold; FMDD style."
"Uh..."
"Furby Manipulation Demolition Device, what?" she continued, "Anywho, we need to hurry to Tasty's before 5PM, and make it back for our package."
Fluttershy tilted her head, "Eh, how long will it take the package to arrive?"
Rainbow scratched her chin before, widening the desk drawer and shuffling through it. To no avail, she shrugged, and checked for, what appeared to be, a watch on her foreleg. Studying the watch, she nodded to herself,
"Approximately fifty-seven minutes,"
"W-well we best get going then! What if our spot gets taken in line?" Dash laughed.
"Oh, believe you, me; I've got eyes everywhere..."
"Dash has eyes everywhere," Twilight grumbled, spitting out a few thorns, "I-I sware, she--"
"SHHHHHH, Twilight!" Pinkie whispered, placing the binoculars over her eyes, enlarging her pupils, "We need to be quiiiiet!"
"Alright, alright... but did we really have to choose the bush with the most thorns?" the alicorn hissed, Pinkie unsure whether it was in sheer pain, or burning hatred.
The two quieted down in an instant, as the earthpony cleared a small patch of bush so her binoculars fit through the hole, just inches away from the floor window of Tasty's Snack Shack. She hummed to herself, as if studying the events inside the near-empty diner.
"Ow!" Twilight howled, rubbing her cheek and flicking away a beetle, "That wasn't lethal, was it?"
"SHHHHHHHHHH, Twilight!" Pinkie shushed, quickly returning her gaze through the glass.
The inside was still barely even half-full, the usual nighttime customers taking their seats, while others dropped a tip and left, seemingly content with their meals.
"Pinkie, there's literally bugs everywhere; I-I'm claustrapho--"
"SSSSHHHHHHHHH, TWILIGHT!"
Suddenly, there was a familiar clip-clopping of.... wait.
No, these weren't just any pair of hooves, these were golden-encrusted boots.
"It's him..." Pinkie muttered, beneath the gentle wisps of the new breeze. "I just need to watch for one more...."
The tan and white stallion approached the counter, sneering under his 'stache, which, honestly, was probably made of gold. "The entire diner, please," he demanded in his arrogant-like voice, "I'm having quite the fine pah'ty tonight with my equally-rich goirlfriend,"
Pinkie gasped, tightening her grip on the binoculars. It was Snobby Mc Snobby-Pants, back yet again to foil their plans!
"Oh geez," Pinkie worried, "All we have to do is stay as quiet as possible, and then we can--"
"MY EYE," Twilight cried, "IT'S IN MY EYE, IT WENT RIGHT IN MY EYE OH GOD,
"THIS MUST BE DEATH WITHOUT DYING,"
"Twilight, SHHHHHH! WE HAVE TO BE--"
"Well, well, well!" a familar voice announced, as the mares popped their heads out of the bushes, capturing the appearance of the eccentric earthpony.
"Snobby Mc Snobby-Pants," Pinkie tightened her fists (??), "We meet again,"
The stallion flashed his gold-encrusted dentures, "How many times will I have to tell you,"
"It's DOCTOR--"
"Alright, alright!" Twilight held up her hooves, obviously weirded out, "I've seen ALOT the past few weeks, and this is SO not how I'm ending my Sunday afternoon, not again!"
Pinkie slumped, "Aww, Twilight, come on! Don't be such a party-pooper!"
"I'm NOT a--"
THEN SUDDENLY, FROM THE EDGE OF TOWN...
"Wait," Twilight said, "Who said that?"
Pinkie squealed in delight, "Ooh, the narrator's arrived!"
COOL TRANSITION COOL TRANSITION COOL TRANSITION COOL TRANSITION COOL TRANSITION COOL TRANSITION
"Alright.." Rainbow Dash muttered, fastening her hoof-made felt-belt.
"You ready, Shy?"
Fluttershy nodded shakily, death-gripping the cold electricity pole.
"Awesome," Rainbow slipped on her mask, quickly regretting using the polyester material. "Let's swing into action!"
The reserved pegasus was suddenly hyper-aware of the view below, and it had ultimately surprised her when she glanced down into a city she was pretty damn sure wasn't there yesterday..
SCRIIIITCH
Glancing nervously upwards, Fluttershy gawked at the sight of the torn nylon--
Uh, you know, the one that prevents you from falling and dying.
"Rainbow Dash, wait!" Fluttershy yelped, before the blue pegasus sky-dived down, with a cry of joy. "You forgot to tighten your nylon!"
COOL TRANSITION COOL TRANSITION COOL TRANSITION COOL TRANSITION COOL TRANSITION COOL TRANSITION
Twilight furrowed her brows. "Where do these words keep coming from?!"
"Not TONIGHT, Doctor Desperado!" came a familiar, and yet strangely heroic voice.
"Uh.... witty catchphrase!" this time it was Fluttershy's voice, immediately before a blue blur swooped in on the evil doctor.
"It's.... actually never mind you got it quite correct--"
P O W !!
"Pow-- what the--" Twilight swatted the words away, to no avail. "I-I think I need to lie down,"
Immediately after the two hit the ground, Fluttershy crashed in, somehow still attached to her safety-cord.
"Ow, ow," Rainbow Dash muttered, failing to notice the other end of her rope laying across from her. "Yep. That certainly went the way we planned!"
TO BE CONTINUED
"Where in Equestria are these phrases coming from?!"
