50 Things I'm Not Allowed to do in Equestria

by Sputniik

Rule #1

Rule #1: I will NOT try to send civilization downhill by welcoming foreign creatures to cause major destruction, which will cost me and my friends’ lives.

Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, and eventually, she’ll end up giving into one of her friend’s suggestions and end up as a cashier in some thrift store or something. Probably for advertisement, and seriously, no one’s gonna ignore the fact that their princess works in a local market daily. Those idiots would probably bring Ziplocks to collect royal sweat, if that’s what it takes to get a few bucks.

Anywho, Twilight was having a fairly wonderful day. She’d woken up to a stack of pancakes and not a cloud in the sky, prior to the weather patrol who’d somehow ended up on her roof after a windstorm one morning. Right now, she had one thing on her mind; read and relaxation.

Of course, as every story goes, there is, alas, a villain, here to ruin plans.

Rainbow Dash bounded down the stairs, her rainbow tail flicking behind her as she soon reached the bottom. She had this huge grin on her face that many citizens of Ponyville would run away from as soon as possible, fearing what next evil plot was brewing her head.

“Hey, Twilight!” Rainbow Dash called, unusually cheerfully. The alicorn mare stayed at eye level with the book. Dash dramatically sighed. “Oh, what ever shall I do?” She looked up towards the cobwebbed ceiling. “If only I had somepony to assist me with my evil plot,”

See, told you.

Rainbow Dash paused and glanced over. A tense silence took over, broken by the sound of her flipping the page. “Are you even listening?” Twilight raised an eyebrow. Not like she had one though. Rainbow groaned. “I am plotting the end of society? Hello? Grasp your attention somehow?” At this,Twilight stared at her friend wide-eyed.

“You WHAT?” Dash rubbed her hooves together menacingly, knowing she’d gotten through her, somehow, or in other words, phase 1. A sickeningly sweet grin found way onto her face. “That means you’ll help? Great! Now…” the 'villain' retrieved a map from under a crack in the wall, crumbled and stained from old age, along with a couple cherry soda cans, as if she planned everything right down to the punctuation marks.

Unfurling the old thing, it was revealed to be a map of Equestria. With a Hasbro logo on the bottom right corner. “…here’s where we attack-“

“Woah, woah, woah, wait a second- Is our- I-I mean, your plot taking place in the Changeling Hive?” Twilight shakily asked, with wide eyes. [If she keeps this up, her eyes will probably fall out of her skull.] Noticing this, Rainbow smiled wider. That was enough of an answer for Twilight. Before she could turn tail and run for her life, she squinted her eyes at the Pegasus. “And where, exactly, are you going to get bungee rope and.... synthetic mustache hair? A-and do you even have an actual plan?” Twilight breathed out.

Rainbow Dash tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Well…. In a word, yes… well, do you have a plan? Yes. Me? No, unless you count my health plan or something. And as for the supplies... I'm committing 'break and enter' into Mr. Zorgenelschecerdensteinphermcbergodorff. But as you can see, I can’t do this alone.” She said this with as much seriousness as she could muster. Twilight shook her head, worryingly.

"Poor Mr. Zorgenelschecerdensteinphermcbergodorff."

Twilight almost had fallen right into her trap. Her dirty, little trap. But she was unfortunately smarter than that, or..depending on whose view we’re looking at.

“So, will you do it?” Rainbow Dash asked innocently, practically glowing like an innocent little angel. “Eh……” Twilight struggled. Look past that halo, Twilight. She’s nothing but a little demon under all that... She looked over to Dash, sitting by her hooves, glancing back up, sparkling eyes, and hopefulness. And those eyes. Oh gosh, those sparkling eyes….

“Uh, hey Dash?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re a real anthole, you know that?”

“I... get that a lot.”

Dash tilted her head and planted her flank into the solid floor. “So… is that a yes?”

Twilight buried her face into her book and sobbed, as she’d had just about enough for one morning. “It’s only ten o’ clock.” she cried, Dash giving her an odd stare. “And you already turned my day into Tartaurus.” Dash pat her on the shoulder gently. “It’s okay, I won’t ruin anything. That is, unless you surrender now, lay down that sword, and allow me to take the steeling wheel, but hey,” She put her hooves up offensively. “That’s just me.”

Twilight breathed in slowly. “…no.” she grunted between gritted teeth. If there really was a halo above her cyan friend’s head, it would have burst into a million pieces. Her ears drooped as she got up to all fours with a sigh.

“Oh, oh well… I guess I’ll just have to ask somepony else…” she turned her back and proceeded out of the door, waiting for phase 2 to take place. Suddenly, subliminal images of Fluttershy and Pinkie leading a changeling army, with Dash leading the troop, flashed proudly behind her vision. She did what anyone would do if her friends would be accomplices to a crime they had no intend in knowing what the heck they had gotten into.

And neither did Twilight.

As if Rainbow Dash could read minds. She turned towards Twilight and raised her head. “So…. have I won yet? Or am I gonna have to convince an innocent somepony else with death threats?” Twilight shook her head briskly. Rainbow turned her back again, smirking evilly. “Perfect…” Twilight placed her hooves above her head and released the book from her magical grip.

“So… what exactly are you doing with the Changeling army, bungee rope, mustache hair, and... a map?” She asked carefully. Rainbow took place on a nearby chair, and folded her arms. “Well, genius, I’m bringing the changeling army to Ponyville, you know, to get their mojo back, by,” She crushed the soda can in her hooves, which sizzled and spurted out its liquid.

“Destruction.”

Twilight leapt off her seat. “Oh, no you don’t! No way!” she swept her hooves in such a manner it looked as if she was swatting flies. “Do you know what that could do to Equestria’s social well-being?” Rainbow smiled innocently. “I could care less- like, a lot, but, shoot.” She folded her arms and sat back.

“Well… you see, after you get caught in the act, first comes jury, then comes the decision, which you obviously have no chance in finding another loophole through this one,”

Dash pouted at this, “…you get thrown behind bars, then…. you and you’re fricking weirdness when it comes to ‘getting out of things’ will cause disruption within the government, conspiracies, and then poof! We fall out as a community and then…” she took a sip of her own soda can and stared uninterestingly at the ceiling.

“….then ponies start randomly killing themselves and apparently, at that point, it’s not being a little shiz anymore. It’s being civilized.” Another sip. “Then before you know it, everyone’s dead and this place’ll look like Fallout 4.” Dash brightened up at this, tossing that crushed can across the room.

“Even better than I’d expected! So, you gonna still help?”
...

“No.”

“When we have everyone dead, I’ll honor you with the responsibility of Flash Century’s death.”

“Sign me up.”

Princess Celestia, for one, was having a fairly good day. She woke up to a plate of vanilla frosted pancakes, and the day was, so far, quite peaceful. Luna was out, and now she had the room all to herself, where she now sat by the window, snacking on a slice of leftover cake.

Suddenly, her wonderful morning was interrupted, as a loud thundering sound erupted from the streets, where crowds of ponies were fleeing, apparently being chased down by a black, gaseous cloud. The eldest princess squinted through the glass, only to see a large army of ‘reformed’ changelings charging through Canterlot. What scared her though, wasn’t the fact that her streets where being mauled by a riot of changelings, or that she'd recently witnessed a filly get swallowed by one whole, no. Though any sane person would actually take that into some consideration.

It was that a mustached Rainbow Dash was being carried on a throne by a pair of Changeling guards, laughing haughtily. And behind her was Twilight, covering her face with one of her hooves regretfully.

A trio of unicorn guards burst through the doors. The bowed before the princess who’d looked slightly shaken. “Princess,” one panted exhaustively. “One of the guards, F-flash Century…. He’s been… kidnapped by the changelings….” They took off their helmets and lowered their heads in unison. “Shall we sentence their master to death?” another one piped up.

Celestia turned to face the window again, as Dash sat pridefully on her throne, as a roped Flash Century was lugged into the back compartment of Rainbow's throne. Eh, someone has to keep my sky clean. As for Twilight… Twilight was wailing hysterically now, unsure whether it was of joy or... pain. Someone does have to take over when I retire…. Celestia waved a hoof nonchalantly.

“Silver Serenade,” the white unicorn guard looked up to the ruler's strictly serious expression.

“Get the bug spray.”

Comments

[HB_DS2013]

That's still a lotta rules. I'l bet one of 'em is don't give the Crusaders ANY ideas. Is it also a rule for Rainbow to be a general dumbass?

[KOTLCfan]

Um... It wasn't the easiest thing to follow. But that's probably just me. Good job, this story amused me. #EvilRainbow