Nazi Pony Zombies of the Gods

View Online

There was a blinding flash of green light that lit up the entire room. After the resulting glare, five of the most unlikely travel companions were standing around in a circle on a pad in the center of an amphitheatre. Dust covered almost every object as the five companions stumbled about in their disorientated states. Amongst the group stood a cynogriffin, one of the winged wolves of old, a timberwolf, one of Terra’s protectors, a bugbear, notorious in his own right, a demon, with a fist of stone, and a very confused pegasus with a bubbly cutie mark.

“Ugh, where the fuck are we?” the cynogriffin pondered aloud as he took in his surroundings. It looked surprisingly familiar to him. Wreckage was across the entire room, with two staircases on either side of an entrance hallway that had a door blocked off. To his right was what appeared to be a concessions stand where a bright blue vending machine stood. As he approached he could read ‘Quick Revive.’ Unfortunately the machine wasn’t powered.

“Who forgot to pay the electric bill?” he shouted out to no one in particular.

By this point, the cynogriffin’s other companions were noticing the wooden boards covering holes in the wall that seemed to be very poorly built in. The bugbear was the first to respond.

“Zeta, I have no fucking clue where we are. And of course the power isn’t on, how original,” he shouted across the hallway as he examined the outline of a rather sad looking double barrel shotgun on the wall. “You have any ideas Cole?” the bugbear shouted over to the gray skinned Hellboy look-a-like.

Cole for his part was opening a box that had a note on it that read ‘Have fun you four! Here is the starting gun.’ Upon opening it, he found four pristine M1911 .45 pistols, with almost 80 bullets for each of them.

“No idea, but we should go find the power box. Also whoever sent us here gave us a nice gift,” Cole joked lifting one of the guns out of the box. “Come and get them while they are hot! Catch Twiggy.” Cole shouted as he lobbed one of the pistols over towards the timberwolf.

"Oh joy, no power! And I told you guys, it’s Twigleaf. Why do you keep calling me Twiggy? "Twigleaf projected his thoughts into the minds of the others, his only way to communicate with his compatriots as he awkwardly grabbed the pistol. Somehow it managed to stay in his paw, despite the lack of thumbs to grip the weapon properly. "Well that’s new. So Derpy, you know where we are? "

Derpy, the beloved pony that bronies everywhere loved, regardless of the name used, was standing by one of the shoddily built barricades over the windows. She looked amongst the rest of the creatures standing before her, all armed with a pistol and plenty of ammo at this point. So she just went with her common phrase.

Just as she was about to though, about a dozen rotting hooves of ponies with Nazi uniforms on burst through the two by fours and dragged Derpy through. All the remaining four could do was sit and listen to her screams, which only included “I just don’t know what went wrong!!” over and over again.

“HOLY SHIT!!” Zeta yelped out. The other three just stood and looked at the gaping hole in the wall in shock.

“Guys, I think I know where we are now...” Twigleaf thought for everyone to hear. He didn’t get to answer finish though as Cole and Celt simultaneously cut him off.

“Fucking. Nazi. Zombies.”

All four of the living started spazzing out. First they were all shot to the Equestria continent, and now they were being forced to fight through Nazi Zombies? What other cruel joke could Fate play on them?

“Ok, guys shut up and calm down. Everyone grab a window, let’s just go turn on the power ASAP,” Zeta barked at the others as he saw the pony zombies start slowly walking towards the wood covered barriers. “And will someone fix the one that Derpy got taken from!”

Soon the craziness began. Twigleaf ran over to the broken windows and started acquiring points for fixing up the broken boards. “What the fuck am I supposed to use points for?”

Celt answered the question when he spent his starting 500 for the Olympia shotgun. “I’m going to spill their guts all over the place, haha!” he shouted with joy before running back over to his window.

Zeta just finished knifing one of the pony abominations that had approached his window “It tried to take my Vodka! And did you really just buy the Olympia Celt? That thing blows!” Of course Celt couldn’t hear Zeta over the sound of Cole’s rapid pistol fire followed by a clicking sound.

“Shit I’m out of ammo. Oh well, I will crush them with my bare hands!” The demon spawn declared as he crushed one of the Nazi Pony’s skulls with his barrel sized hand.

Twigleaf wasn’t do as hot as the others. A couple of the zombies had broken through and one managed to bash the timberwolf across the back. “I can smell my own blood. FEAR ME!” the injured party howled as he filled the offending zombie full of bullets.

“Um guys, can we go to the next room now?” Zeta shouted back, having just dispatched another two pony zombies. “Hey guys, look what I did!” the cynogriffin exclaimed as he ran up the stairs. Twigleaf and Cole were right behind him, but Celt was stubbornly standing by his window, blasting away with his crappy shotgun.

Soon the bugbear was surrounded though. He managed to blast a hole into two of the zombies, but one on his back managed to hit him hard. Celt spun around quickly and knife killed the offending Nazi Pony Zombie, “K to the I to the A zombitch!” He happily exclaimed watching the body drop. Celt’s victory was short lived though, as three more zombies struck him down. Celt collapsed to the floor.

“Shit! We gotta help Celt!” Cole yelled, as he crushed another zombie’s skull with his hulking brick of a hand.

Zeta glanced at the massive horde closing in on Celt, and then looked at the two members beside him. No one had any ammo left, and their knives were not nearly effective enough to save Celt. “Well since Celt is neither a woman or child, and doesn’t have my booze, I vote no.” Zeta declared as he used some of the points he had acquired to open the door behind him and continue towards the theater. The other two looked at each other grimly before chucking a grenade towards the zombie horde that was bearing down on Celt before leaving.

The last words that the other chess pieces heard of their former comrade was “I hope you choke meatsack!” before the explosions drowned out any noise that could follow. The three remaining survivors have a slight moment of silence before scouring the new area for anything else that may be useful.

The new area, composed of two rooms, was mostly bare. Only two new boarded up holes in the wall, with another set of doors in the second room. The only object of curiosity was a glowing blue box, that had question marks on it.

“Fuck yeah, Random Box!” Cole exclaimed as he ran to spend his hard earned points. The jingle started to ring through the room as the weapons started flashing about faster than the eye could see. At the end of the tune, there floating above the box was the Ray Gun. “This gun fires pure honor!”

A yelp from his wooden companion made Cole do a quick 180 to see Twigleaf pinned beneath a couple of zombies. With Zeta on the other side of the room handling his own miniature horde, Cole went out to save the day. Blasting through the undead ponies with green rings of death, the Hellboy look-a-like charged towards his fallen brother-in-arms screaming “With the force of one thousand wombats, YOU DIE!!”

Zeta just face pawed upon hearing Cole’s stupid battlecry. Twigleaf on the other hand, gratefully accepted the aid. As he was being helped out, he projected his thoughts stating, “Ja Danke,” before running off to get a new gun from the Random Box.

Zeta and Cole were busy holding off the line of advancing zombies when all of a sudden, a grenade flies over their head and blows up a large swath of the undead before the two besieged warriors. Spinning around, the two survivors see Twigleaf standing there with a China Lake in his paws. In an almost sadistic voice Twigleaf exclaimed his joy with his new weapon.

“They will be all over the floor! Und de valls!! Und the ceiling!” Cole and Zeta looked at each other rather concerned over the maniacal grin plastered across the muzzle of timberwolf.

“Is that natural?” Cole leaned over and whispered to his other canine companion. Zeta simply shrugged and went to take his turn at the Random Box. Cole and the crazed timberwolf held off the advancing horde for a while as the jingle ended.
“FUCK YOU MONKEY!” Zeta cried as he took the toy monkey strapped with TNT. Cole gave Zeta a ‘what the hell?’ look after his outcry. The cynogriffin’s reply was a simple “I don’t like its beady little eyes,” before turning around and trying to get a gun from the box.

Cole just shrugged as he returned his attention to the nazi ponies before him. He was getting a little nervous for Twiggy, who was blasting the zombies with the grenade launcher with little regard for himself, and his leaf parts were starting to burn.

“Guys I think we should move on to the stage, what do you all think?” Cole shouted above the explosions caused by Twigleaf.

Before anyone could answer, a light machine gun mowed down the rest of the zombies. Standing with the smoking barrel leaned against his shoulder, was Zeta. “If that’s all they got, maybe I’m not drinking enough?”

Cole just shook his head as he dragged the timberwolf by his tail towards the stage where the power switch was located. The moment they entered the room however, an eerie fog rose from the ground.

A little girl’s cruel laughter could be heard before issuing a resounding command. “Fetch me their souls!”

“You don’t want my soul, it probably tastes like vodka...mmm vodka,” was Zeta’s response prepping his HK21 for combat.

“Was that Rachel??” Twigleaf wondered aloud. Before anyone could answer him though, a bolt of lightning summoned none other than Echo the diamond dog, Griffin the griffin, Aoi the Lunar Legend, Knightmare the perverted changeling, and Ember the dragon. All five of them were rotting and on fire, with glowing orange eyes in their skulls.

“...Sonuvabitch...” was all Cole muttered out before he started blasting at the demonic versions of his old friends.

Griffin and Knightmare took to the air to drag Zeta to his death, while Aoi, Ember, and Echo charged towards Twigleaf and Cole. The only positive was that none of the demon-spawns was that they had neither any of their magical abilities or weapons. Cole and Twigleaf managed to obliterate the three charging them in a combination of green energy blasts and high explosives. Just as the two turned to check on Zeta’s status, two more bodies dropped onto the stage before vanishing.

“Well that wasn’t too hard was it?” Twigleaf joked. Zeta facepawed as Cole gave the timberwolf the biggest deadpanned look in recorded history. “What?”

As soon as he finished that sentence, five more bolts hit the stage, releasing every other chess piece in a demonic form. Shortly there after Rachel again announced in her D’AWW inducing new voice, “I said FETCH ME THEIR SOULS! I need to sacrifice them to keep the Feature Box!!”

The new horde of chess pieces charged their former comrades as the three prepared for the defensives. “You just had to fucking say it didn’t you Twiggy! At least we know how ‘The Spoken Word’ stayed in the feature box for so long now.” Zeta joked as he took to the air, spraying a hail of bullets into the offending pieces. His HK21’s rain of metal split Mango Jack in half, along with Gorath and Ivan, though Zeta could never tell one zebra apart from the other. He then saw Marty, the weird snake person thing, slithering up behind Cole. Zeta landed on top of him, crushing his skull and spine in one fell swoop, before taking off again.

Cole nodded towards his winged friend as he flew off. For his part, Cole just stood there, blasting away. Thanks to the efficiency of the Ray Gun, he had time to ponder as he slaughtered those before him. He pondered things like how did Giza the Sphinx managed to gather the other two spirits around in the necklace as Cole blew off the sphinx’s upper body. His next thought was captured solely by Jack, the goddess of Tartarus. How exactly was she turned into a demon spawn by Rachel? Was Rachel’s control over the power of D’AWW greater than that of a god? Cole would never get a chance to ask her though, because the Ray Gun’s blast decided Jack would look so much better without a head.

Twiggy was having a blast, quite literally, over on his side. He had just finished blowing the legs off of Law the Dragon, Disdain the Kirin, and Rook the Gargoyle before knife killing the three of them. He didn’t get much of a break before Bronze, Thud, and Fudge charged to smash Twigleaf into toothpicks. Luckily Zeta did a quick fly by, unloading into the three heavy hitters and ending them.

“I’ll buy you some vodka!” Twigleaf projected his thoughts as he blasted Tyler, the weird four legged eagle, out of the air. Spinning around he pumped another grenade that blasted away a cow and three separate manticores.

Finally, as the demon horde was winding down, Twigleaf saw a two headed hydra dragon. It seemed to be arguing with between its two heads. Zeta and Cole both looked over and saw the timberwolf’s determined gaze to bring down the abomination to all things sacred.

“Guys, tell my wife and kids, I love them,” the timberwolf ordered as he took out a frag grenade and placed it in his mouth. He then unloaded his China Lake, popped the two primers for the grenades, and charged at the bastard of creation before him.

Cole and Zeta both saluted their comrade and turned away and started a slow-mo walk right as the explosion went off, because, as everyone knows, cool guys don’t look at explosions.

About half a foot later though, they both stopped at the same time and turned to look at each, both thinking the same thing. ‘Since when did Twiggy have a wife and kids?’

“I say we pretend none of that ever happened” Cole announced to his fluffy friend next to him. Zeta just gave a curt nod, with a confused look still on his face. “Let’s turn the power on finally,” continued as he reached the lever. Yanking it down, what little lights that were not broken turned on as the curtain opened.

Zeta and Cole stood on the stage of a massive auditorium. The seats and two other windows were barricaded with massive chunks missing from the ceiling above. On the stage to the right of them, was the infamous teleporter. Before either could cheer over the discovery of the machine, a deep rumbling and heart wrenching howl echoed across the entire building.

“Uh, uh oh. That sounds like trouble,” Zeta muttered to Cole as he loaded in another clip of ammo. “How about we fight our way to the Random Box and try our luck again?”

Cole simply nodded at the cynogriffin’s suggestion before he took off, the winged wolf right behind him. Sudden blasts of dirt erupting out of the ground caught his attention for a moment. Climbing out of the holes were malnourished, zombiefied crawling diamond dogs. “You have got to be shitting me...”

After mowing down a room and a half full of zombies, the two survivors arrived at the Random Box. “Ladies first,” Zeta snickered at Cole as he threw a monkey bomb downstairs.

As Cole waited for his weapon to appear, he heard the monkey explode, killing most of the ponies and diamond dogs surrounding it. “Ha, the monkey is better at killing zombies than you!” His insult was met with a the middle claw of the cynogriffin as he restarted firing his HK at the approaching line. The drone of bullets was too loud even for the heightened senses of the air’s top predator to hear the end of the jingle. So when a massive blast of air threw the entire approaching horde into a pile of messy red, needless to say Zeta was shocked.

Spinning around rapidly, Zeta saw Cole standing there with a smug look on his face and the best weapon on his shoulder. “I have acquired the Thundergun.” Zeta shoved his way past the lucky demon as he took his turn at the box.

Cole held the line blasting through zombies left and right with ease at his two infinitely powerful weapons, happily humming along with the tune behind him. Just as he starts to end the tune, Rachel’s laughter starts filling the room. Cole turns around and sees the a teddy bear floating above the box before the box joins it and vanishes in a flash of blue light as Rachel declares “You guys killed all my little pawns, so no weapons for you!”

“Why hasn't anyone tried nailing this down?!” Zeta yelled in exasperation. Cole was just laughing at the misfortune of his companion, idly blasting apart zombies with the Ray Gun. “Fuck you too!” the frustrated cynogriffin yelled.

The pair made fought their way back to the teleporter and were sitting in it, waiting for it to finish the charging. The massive waves of the undead started to become too much even for the Ray Gun and Thundergun, and the two were started to panic.

Eventually, Zeta snapped. “Fuck this man, every person for themselves!” As he spread his wings and flew over the oncoming horde. Just as he left however, as Fate or a cruel joke of the author, the Teleporter completed its charge and sent Cole off to the Pack-A-Punch machine. As Cole stood there, waiting for his two weapons to come back to him stronger than ever, he glanced out the window into the theater.

There being brought down by the Nazi Pegasi Zombies into the horde was Zeta, blasting all the way to the cold embrace of ground. There was nothing that Cole could do but watch on in horror as his friend and last companion was ripped to pieces by the zombie horde, though he did laugh at Zeta’s last cry.

“DON”T LET THEM TAKE MY VODKA!!!”

As Cole gathered the Zeus Cannon and his Porter’s X2, he was teleported back to the main room where earlier that day he stood with four others. With a heavy sigh, the helpful demon walked towards the horde that killed his last friend. With four blasts of the all powerful Zeus Cannon, the entire horde was wiped out.

After another two waves of equal melancholy combat, the evil D’AWW worthy voice spoke up once again. “The last batch didn’t work, so I’ll send these new ones. NOW FETCH ME HIS SOUL!!” Rachel yelled as three bolts of lightning brought down Cole’s next opponents.

There before him in a new demonized view, were the Mane 6, Celestia, Luna, Cadance, Shining Armor, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, all the popular background ponies, and every other character that caused Cole to become a brony.

The friendly demon...monkey...thing, fought valiantly against his impending doom, his heart shattering with each character he destroyed. He swore he saw a tear fall from Bon Bon’s orange glowing eye as he blasted Lyra into a dozen pieces. Celestia was killed as she threw her body in front of Luna’s, all for naught as the Zeus Cannon put an end to both goddesses.
A hoof striking his back nearly toppled the lone survivor, but he quickly spun around with the Porter’s X2 ready to blast away this latest threat we he came face to muzzle with the famous wall-eyed mare. Derpy’s glowing orange orbs still in their comedic position as if it was still the pilot episode, in a much more creepy and scary sort of way. In Cole’s moment of hesitation, the rest of the cast descended upon him, and began to tear him apart.

“I have fallen into darkness!” was Cole’s last words, before all that could be viewed of him was his massive barrel sized fist sticking above the crowd.

Rachel’s cruel, yet still adorable, laughter echoed through the entire building as the last soul fell to her onslaught. “Now the feature box will be mine!!”

-------------------

Three dimensions over, a bunch of gods and goddesses were joking around in the basement of their parents house. Eris leaned over towards the Basilisk Collective and handed over the Xbox controller to her.

“I have to admit Bertha, switching it from a chess game to Nazi Zombies was probably the best idea Discord has had in a LONG TIME!”

Bertha nodded with a hissy laugh of its own. Tzeentch joined in on the laughter as he grabbed a controller from Loki. Discord and another being of power grabbed the other two controllers to start a new game.

------------------

There was a blinding flash of green light that lit up the entire room. After the resulting glare, four unusual traveling companions stood in the center of a dusty room, on what appeared to be a pad. The group composed of a diamond dog, with glowing purple claws and a jagged scar across his throat, a griffin, fueled by hatred with red markings across his face and chest, a green minotaur, the strongest there was, and a gargoyle, wingless and amoral.

“We need to bring light to this dark place!”

Canine Clubbing

View Online

Canterlot, the capital of Equestria. Shadowed by the Royal Sisters’ Castle, the great expanse of a city has seen ages come and go since it was built after Nightmare Moon’s defeat. From Nightmare Moon’s return, Discord’s Release, and the Changeling Invasion. But now, it faced an event unlike any the city has ever faced before.

In Canterlot’s nightlife district, where clubs and casinos are the norm, there are a few high end, extremely exclusive places. The two most famous are in the Royal Sisters Plaza, the casino Celestia’s Crown, and the nightclub Luna’s Respite. Standing in front of the entrance of the two establishments are four rather imposing figures. One of the last Trolls in existence, a bugbear with a metal arm, a gargoyle without wings, and brown gorilla wearing a tie. Both pairs of bouncers part ways as Luna enters her sister’s casino, and Celestia enters the nightclub with her anthromorphic changeling companion.

“Why is everyone crowded on this side of the club?” the solar princess asked Knightmare as they entered. The changeling just shrugged his shoulders as he helped force his way through the crowd. All of the ponies were having a good time, but seemed hesitant to go too far past the dance floor.

As Knightmare and Celestia got towards the edge of the crowd, the answer of their question resounded around the club, deafening even DJ PON-3’s made beats with its volume. It was a noise that often times strikes fear into the hearts of ponies, but to Knightmare it was an announcement of something far worse.

It was a call of the wild. A summonings of the world’s most fearsome beasts. A sure sign a pack would descend on a location in a moment. The noise travelers feared above all others.

A howl.

Jumping up over the heads of the other ponies, Knightmare sees why the entire other half of the club is empty. Sitting at a table in the empty half are two diamond dogs, the Lunar Legend, a cynogriffin, a Duo-Crestis Lupus, and a nervous looking timber wolf.

“HEY GUYS!! What’s up?” the changeling asked as he crossed the dance floor to great his compatriots, though he was slightly nervous around Lycan and Zeta, with the former’s tendency to light things on fire, and the latter’s habit of killing things just because.

Unfortunately for the changeling though, everydog at the table gave him a somewhat icy glare. Except for Twigleaf, who seemed embarrassed to be there. It was Aoi who took the time to explain themselves though.

“Sorry Knightmare, it’s nothing against you. It’s just that mating season just ended recently, and us canines just needed to celebrate.” All of the furry companions nodded at the end of Aoi’s sentence.

“So, where are Ubi and Eol? And why can’t Celly and I join you?” Knightmare asked innocently.

“And why do I have to be here?” Twigleaf added.

“Ubi doesn’t like clubs, and Eol decided to stay with him,” was Aoi’s cool response. Before he could continue, a cynogriffin wing covered his face.

“And you and Celly can’t stay cause you aren’t fucking wolves. And Twiggy, you’ll close enough. So beat it Knight, or I’ll bite your leg off,” Zeta barked at him. “And I know it’ll regrow, so you can’t even bitch about it.”

Knightmare took off, flying across the dance floor to avoid the bounty hunter’s sharp teeth. Echo, Lycan, Zeta and Grim were laughing as they saw the changeling fly off, while Aoi just sat there containing himself and Twigleaf pounded his head against the table.

“So, we’re here to celebrate right? Let’s go get some drinks!” Zeta cheered. Echo and Lycan had large grins plastered on their faces at the thought of cold drinks, Grim seemed hesitant to have his first drink, while Aoi was worried about getting too hammered again like the Grand Galloping Gala. Twigleaf was still continuing smashing his wooden skull into the table, slowly leaving an imprint of his face in the tabletop.

“So what does everyone want?” Lycan asked, getting up to grab the drinks.

“Beer!” Zeta barked out.

Echo grabbed Lycan’s tail, and telepathically asked for some cider.

“I’ll just have some water” Twigleaf mumbled out, ignoring Zeta calling him a pansy for his choice of drink.

“I’ll have an appletini. It sounds great” Grim proclaimed. Zeta’s face paw at the gay diamond dog’s drink choice was audible even over the loud music.

“Can you get me some sake Lycan?” Aoi asked, before jumping back from the table. At the mention of sake, Echo had tossed Zeta up onto the table by the cynogriffin’s tail.

“Ok, so Echo thinks we should all do sake bombs since Aoi’s Japanese. Right the fuck now, exact quote there” Zeta proclaimed, acting as the mute explorer’s mouth. Echo smacked the bounty hunter over the head as Zeta smiled sheepishly, laughing to himself. “Fine, the last part was all me. Anyway, Lycan, get us six sake bombs stat!”

As the fiery wolf ran off to get the drinks, Zeta turned back towards Echo. “But where are we going to get chopsticks for the sake bombs?” After failing to follow Echo’s gaze from underneath Echo’s hood, Echo resorted to twitching his head to the left. Zeta turned to find himself staring at an oblivious Twigleaf.

Aoi just watched from the other side of the table as Echo and Zeta grew mischievous grins on their muzzles. He was split between stopping the two of them, and letting the troublesome duo enjoy themselves. Once the two starting prepping to pin the unsuspecting timberwolf down, Grim got up to stop them only to have Aoi stop him. “We were all chased around by a bunch of crazy bitches recently, let them have their fun and let loose,” Aoi explained, not only to the diamond dog, but to stop himself as well.

Twigleaf heard Aoi and looked up to see a cynogriffin and diamond dog staring at him. “Um... what’s up guys?” Twigleaf asked nervously. If he was smarter he would’ve started running that instant, but his question gave both predators enough time to pounce. “WHAT THE HELL GUYS?!”

“Shut up Twiggy, we need chopsticks for the sake bombs. Echo hold him still while I make some.” Zeta growled out and started using his claws to hack at the wooden canine. A couple minutes later, and with lots of paws flying, and a couple of wood chips too, Zeta and Echo disentangled themselves and headed back to their seats. Twigleaf followed shortly after, with his tail significantly shorter than earlier.

“Fuck you guys,” the clipped canine muttered out while Echo and Zeta bro-pawed as they set up all of the drinks. In front of each of the canines at the table was a mug of beer filled about halfway up. Resting on top of it were two chopsticks placed just far enough apart that shot glasses full of sake wouldn’t fall off unless the table was jostled.

Grim just looked at the set up with a confused look on his face. He started reaching for the shot glass before Lycan shot a tiny spark of magic at him.

“Not yet laddie. There is a rule to these things. Everyone get your paws floating above the table,” Lycan ordered, which was met with everyone complying. “Ok, so you do these by waving your paws towards the table saying, ‘Sake, Sake, Sake, BOMB!’ and on bomb you smack the table, knocking the sake down. Then you chug the entire drink. Ready?”

After Echo flipped Lycan off about how he can’t talk, everyone gave a curt nod and prepared for the fun. Except Twiggy, who was being a stick in the mud. Soon the club echoed with the chant “Sake! Sake! Sake! BOMB!” followed by the sound of the table being slammed by over a dozen paws.

Zeta, Echo, and Lycan were the first three to finish their drinks, and instantly began arguing who was first. Zeta and Lycan were quite loud while Echo’s argument was full of a lot of flipping off and pointing. Twigleaf managed to dump his entire drink over his shoulder while the others weren’t looking. Aoi finished his rather shortly after the first three, and instantly started trying to help Grim out, who was choking on the aftertaste of his first drink.

After Grim had controlled himself with the help of Aoi, he managed to sputter out “That was nasty tasting. How do they drink that?” referring to the three canines whose argument had evolved into a light scuffle.

Even over getting smacked around, two of the three of them yelled “BECAUSE IT IS PROOF GOD LOVES US!” while the third simply flipped the bird. Twigleaf had just restarted trying to get his face as firmly printed into the table as he could.

“You can pick the next drink ok Grim,” Aoi informed him, attempting to allow the diamond dog some control. His plan was going swimmingly until he heard a paw slam on the table. Looking across from him, he saw Echo holding both wolves by their scruff.

“I say that if we are doing shots because Aoi is Japanese, than we have to do an Irish Car Bomb since Lycan is Irish,” Zeta exclaims. Echo nods his approval as he sets down the two other wolves, Lycan and Zeta zooming off to place the new order.

“Don’t worry Grim, you get next choice, or I’ll be the one in the scuffle. And I doubt they’ll be able to beat me in one,” Aoi proclaimed, his words slightly slurred, staring over at Echo. For the diamond dog’s credit, he simply flipped off the Lunar Legend like it was nothing.

And so the night continued, with each canine declaring a drink everyone had to chug together, and the reactions were almost identical to each one. Lycan, Zeta and Echo would argue and fight about who can drink the most, Grim would sputter at the taste of it while Aoi attempted to help him out, and Twigleaf would dump his drinks into a potted plant that he grew.

After they convinced Twigleaf to pick out an alcoholic drink for everydog to chug, Lycan, Echo, and Zeta all ran to the bar to get it. Twigleaf’s face impression had been finished by now, and the plant he was dumping his drinks into had quickly died. Needing something to entertain himself with now, Twigleaf decided to strike up a conversation with the two remaining canines at the table.

Turning his attention to the neutered dog and the Lunar Legend, Twigleaf had to keep himself from falling over with laughter. Aoi and Grim were completely hammered at this point. The only thing stopping either of them from falling to the floor was the hug they were sharing at the moment.

“You guys feeling alright there?” Twigleaf asked, tree sap falling from his eyes instead of tears from holding back his laughter.

Aoi spun around to face the timberwolf, but in his drunken stupor kept spinning and fell off his seat and onto the floor. Grim, after losing his support, flew backwards in an attempt to not fall forwards. He only succeeded in the latter, falling flat on his back instead.

“Fuck yous Twiggy,” Aoi slurred out from his position on the floor. As the warrior tried to get up, the world seemed to begin spinning below him, causing Aoi to fall right back down on his face. Twigleaf erupted into another fit of laughter.

Grim had managed to roll over, and was beginning to crawl over towards Aoi in an attempt to start the hug again. By this point, the three alcoholics of the group had returned with Jager-Bombs for everyone.

“Guys, that isn’t what I said we should have?” Twigleaf muttered as he took the drink. Echo had moved around the table and pulled the two pissed drunk friends off the ground and back into their seats.

“We know Twiggy, but the three of us decided that chugging appletinis means you have to turn your man card in,” Zeta answered as he picked up his shot of Jager, and prepped it for the drop.

“Speakin’ o’ which lad, we’ll be needin’ yours back,” Lycan added with a wicked grin, showing off his teeth. Twigleaf just shuddered and back down after that one. Lycan had already set him on fire once before with his magic, and it was an event Twigleaf was not hoping to repeat.

All at once, the canines, minus Twigleaf, downed their Jager-bombs. By this point, Zeta, Lycan and Echo were starting to feel a slight buzz. All three began arguing once again about who could drink the most. Twigleaf eventually had enough of the bickering before he shouted out to them, “Why don’t you guys just whip them out and measure? It’d be faster and less obnoxious.”

Grim’s ears perked up at this suggestion, even while he was still holding onto to Aoi. The Lunar Legend wasn’t looking nearly as well, though he was holding onto Grim a bit more firmly than would be necessary for him to stay standing. The three bickering canines instantly started flipping off Twigleaf, and brainstorming a new drinking challenge for the three of them.

“Hey Grim. Grim, Grim, Grim, Grim, Grim, Grim, Grim GRIM,” Aoi started rambling off, clearly more intoxicated as he has ever been. “You. You’re an, okay guy, I mean dog, I mean, guy-dog. You get a hug.” The white wolf leaned over and brought Grim into a tight embrace. Grim returned it as well, and as they started to part, the diamond dog made a move and kissed Aoi right on the mouth.

Echo, Twigleaf, Lycan, and Zeta all had their jaws drop to the floor. They couldn’t decide what was more shocking, the fact that liquid courage allowed Grim to make a move, or the fact that Aoi wasn’t really fighting it. After Grim disengaged Aoi though, it was clear why there wasn’t much of a fight. The Lunar Legend, greatest swordsman out of the Chess Pieces, lost his battle against alcohol and promptly blacked out on the floor.

“Oh no! Was that my fault?” Grim asked worriedly, turning towards the others in his panic. Zeta and Lycan went over to drag Aoi into the bathroom, while Echo went to calm the other diamond dog down.

Once he was touching Grim, as far away as he could, Echo began projecting his thoughts. “It’s ok Grim. He didn’t pass out from the kiss, but the amount of alcohol he drank.”

“But but but, I drank just as much as he did, and I’m not passed out. And you, the cynogiffin, and the red one are all fine?” Grim slurred out, holding back tears.

“It’s because we are all something you would call, Alcoholics. We can drink copious amounts of alcohol and not get sick. I promise you Aoi will be fine. And you know, a gentlemen keeps those. It’s considered good manners.” Echo answered with a grin.

Lycan and Zeta returned at this point. “So the laddie is prayin’ to the porcelain gods at the moment. He’ll be good in a bit,” Lycan announced to the group. “Would’ve thought dat him being a Lunar Wolf woulda made him a heavier drinking eh?”

Zeta just laughed. “Dude, you should’ve heard how fucked up he got at the Gala. Scootaloo kept going on and on about it for a week. Anyway, come on Echo. Let’s finish this drinking competition and and prove once and for all, I can out drink both of you.”

The three of them stood in front of the bar, where the earth pony mare Caramel Suds was working. “What can I get you boys?”

Echo slapped a great paw on both of his companions shoulders, and mentally proclaimed the drink they would all be consuming until there was only one left. Lycan and Zeta answered at the same time “Hard Rock Cider”

The mare just looked at the trio funnily, before pouring a mug for each of them. “And you might want to get ready to keep it coming. We’ll be drinking this till only one of us is left standing.” Zeta told her as he grabbed his mug.

The three canines clinked mugs and downed their drinks, slamming the mugs on the bar for a refill. Anyone who didn’t know the three would think that they all hated each other, with the glare they were giving each other. Truth be told, they wouldn’t be that far off from the truth. Lycan and Zeta, while friendly, view each other as more rivals, and Echo views both of them as assholes.

After about an hour and 6 drinks downed by each of the participants, the canines were all smashed. Just as they were reaching for the seventh drink, Aoi bursts out from the bathroom, vomit spewed across the front of his clothes.

“Whys there three of yous?” the plastered wolf asked a potted plant. “What Twiggy, too good to anshwer me?”

“Aoi, light the dick on fire if he thinks that!” Zeta called across the room, grabbing his 7th mug off the bar. Lycan gave up at this point, and headed back to the table, stumbling along the way. Echo, had already downed his 7th and was moving on to the 8th.

Both of the still competing canines were distracted by a yelp from over where Aoi was standing. Looking over, they saw the Lunar Legend puking into the tree’s stand, with Grim and Lycan trying to keep Aoi upright. Once he was done, they could hear Aoi muttering something about “Sorry Twiggy, I didn’t mean to puke on you. Wait, no you were a dickwad to me. Fuck you!”

“Come on boyo, we should get you back into the bathroom,” Lycan attempted to get out before being grabbed by Aoi and turned towards the puke filled pot.

“Lycan, light Twigleaf on fire. Zeta said to,” Aoi demanded, yanking at Lycan’s tail hoping to get flames to come out. Eventually, after being painfully wolfhandled for a couple minutes, Lycan lit the tree on fire.

“Ha, fuck you Twiggy,” Aoi barked, laughing madly for a little bit until he realized what he had done. “Oh no! I lighted Twigleaf on fire! I’m sorry Twiggy, don’t get mad at me.”

At this time, Twigleaf walked over, and tapped Aoi on the side. “It’s ok Aoi, I forgive you. Now how about you follow Grim back into the bathroom to clean you up ok?” Aoi just nodded his consent as Grim helped him back towards the bathroom, with a suspicious grin on his face.

“Yo Echo, you think we should be worried about Aoi and Grim right now?” Zeta asked, placing his 10th mug on the bar to get refilled. Echo just shook his head as he raised his 13th glass up. Lycan stumbles back towards the two to try and get the score when they hear a lot of gasps coming from the doorway.

Shoving their way through the crowd, were three Bast and a housecat sitting on one of their shoulders. “Come on guys, it’ll be nice to relax for once. I mean, how often do us felines get to hang out together?” the lead, and obviously male Bast stated. The group of them stopped dead when they saw their canine counterparts across the dance floor. “Oh shit...”

“MANGO!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!” Zeta barked at the four in front of him.

“Fuck you Zeta. We’re here to relax for once. You know how hard that is for a Bast?” ‘Mango’ Jack snapped back.

Zeta flared his wings and crouched low prepping to lunge. “Don’t care. We canines got dibs on this bar first. We even pissed on the front door to claim it,” Echo and Lycan gave a quick nod at this part, “so you’ll get one last warning to make like a tree, and get the FUCK outta here before we make you!”

Khajiit response was to flip off the pissed off winged wolf across from him. “There’s more of us than there are of you anyway, so bring it bitch!”

Zeta lunged and decked the cocky Bast straight into the crowd of ponies behind him, yelling “TWIGGY GET YOUR BUSHY ASS OUT HERE AND HELP!”

Lycan lunged towards the falling house cat named Jazz, rolling around on the floor with him, until Lycan remembered he could use magic, and simply telekinetically lifted the cat up. Echo stood face to face against Kaileena, getting ready to whoop some ass in his drunken stupor, until he realized that she was a girl. Spinning around, he yanked Lycan by his tail and pulled him over.

“Oy! What the fuck mate?” Lycan yelped out.

“A gentleman doesn’t hit a lady, and since you're an ass, you'll have no problems doing it,” was the diamond dog’s telepathic link before Echo let go and tossed Lycan into Kaileena. Now where is that fucking housecat... Echo didn’t get much past that thought as Jazz leaped onto his back and started scratching up the diamond dog.

Meanwhile, Twigleaf and Nala were just sitting at the bar, enjoying a glass of water and watching the antics of their friends.

Zeta and Mango were currently scrambling to gain dominance over their fight. Eventually Mango threw Zeta off of him and onto a table a little ways away.

“What the hell Zeta? I left you alone why are you crashing on my table?” Knightmare yelled in surprise. Celestia just started glaring at the cynogriffin, before he gave a sheepish grin and dove back at the Bast.

Lycan pulled the same tactic against Kaileena, simply entrapping her in a reddish glow. Echo managed to get Jazz off of his back and threw him on the ground. Echo simply growled at the house cat before him.

“What’s wrong dog, cat’s got your tongue?” Jazz asked with a trollish grin on his face. At least it was until Echo punted him across the room. Unfortunately, Jazz landed right smack onto Luna’s face, who had just entered into her establishment.

“WHAT ART THOU DOING!?!” the Goddess of the Moon yelled in the Royal Canterlot voice, stunning all the non-ponies in the building into a twitching pile due to their heightened hearing. In perhaps what could be described as Mango’s and Zeta’s dumbest move, they both flipped off the royal Princess and yelled “LOWER THE FUCKING VOLUME!”

Also, as if the gods decided to play another cruel joke on the poor non-ponies, Aoi and Grim choose this moment to stumble out of the bathroom. Aoi was half naked, his clothes barely hanging on around his waist, as Grim’s hair was all messy. Both had dried up vomit across their chests.

Luna strided over towards her sister, Jazz trapped in her magic, and whispered into her ear. With a curt nod by the Solar Monarch, both Royal Princesses’ horns began to glow.

“Oh fuck nuggets,” was all Mango and Zeta could say before they and all the others were knocked unconscious.

The Next Morning

“Where am I? WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES!?!?! WHY ARE YOU CUDDLING WITH ME?!?!”

That was what woke up everyone around. Aoi was freaking out, having found himself laying down a bed in a cell, with Grim cuddled up next to him, half naked. The others were all passed out on the stone floor, but after Aoi’s explosive start, began to grip their heads as their hangover began to kick their asses.

“Wakey wakey gents,” a guardspony declared, smacking the bars of the cell. The ringing would be enough to make a pony’s hangover spike in pain, but for those of heightened hearing like those in the cage, it was brutal. “So I hear you dogs had a rough night.”

“Nah mate, the night was bloody awesome, it’s the morning that’s kicking my arse,” Lycan said, with a pained grin across his face.

The guard opened the cell and allowed them to leave. As they were trudging down the hallway, Aoi was the first to ask the question on everyone’s mind, “What the hell happened last night?”

“I have no idea, I forget everything that happened a little after we dragged your ass into the bathroom,” Zeta grumbled out.

“I know exactly what happened. I was sober the entire time!” Twigleaf declared in a loud voice, taking pleasure in the discomfort it caused his “friends.”

“So you going to tell us?” Grim asked, still looking at Aoi from behind.

“Fuck no I’m not. I’ll be holding this over your heads for as long as I can,” Twigleaf responds with a smug grin plastered across his wooden maw. “Consider it payback for dragging me there.”

Once the pack reached the door, they were greated by a familiar, if annoying, face. “So boys, Celly sent me here to give you all a warning. If you EVER fuck up Luna’s club again, you’ll all be banished to the...wait for it” the over excitable changeling takes a big breath, “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!!”

Echo flips off the changelings, cringing under the loud yelling he produced. Zeta takes the more vocal path, “Thanks Knight, glad to know you’ve got our backs, asshole.”

Before anyone can stop him, Knightmare gets a devious grin on his face. “Ok guys, just one last thing,” the anthromorph begins. “Who let the dogs out?”

The facepaw from the entire pack made has since gone down in history as the loudest recorded noise known in Equestria. Zeta leans over to the others, “Would it be worth going back to prison for murdering Knightmare after that one?” The rest of the pack, including Twigleaf, give a curt nod before they begin to surround Knightmare.

THE END

Hearth's Warming Day Spoof - Eastern Part of Canterlot

View Online

Written by Proud-Dust

This chapter and further future chapters of the Christmas spoof can be read in anachronic order.

The Eastern Part of Canterlot –Orphan Finding Incident

Her cheeks were hollow, unlike the hearts of those around her. Her breath was foggy, matching the bleak future she held for her life. The snow on her mane clung with the same grip like the anger in her heart. With only a cardboard box and newspapers, thrown by a family’s careless whim, covering her, she was holding onto the only warmth she had at hoof.

From the alley, she watched as the merry lights danced, the way ponies’ faces lit as they went off with their families by their sides and the songs that were sung for the merry nature of Hearth’s Warming Eve. All of it disgusted her. The lights blinded her eyes, the faces mocked her and the songs tore violently into her ears.

She shifted her newspapers to cover more of her body. She needed to stay warm into order to get by the cold night of Canterlot. She snickered, with only herself to hear it. Every other filly only had to worry about whether or not they were getting presents. She, on the other hand, had the torture of winter’s frigid touch to live through.

She shivered and sneezed. She thought about how cold these Canterlot nights were. For a few years now, she had to endure this period of white for a while. Her body didn’t adjust to the biting snowflakes that mercilessly dropped on her. Perhaps she would never get suited to them.

She gazed at the foals on the streets, watching them throw snowballs at each other with their coats and garments. She grinned sadly and rocked her body for more warmth, imagining a world where she was having fun with friends. When the brief illusion of imagination faded, she settled for assuming her cardboard box to be a fort, herself, a queen and the snow, enemy troops attacking her fort.

Engarde, she thought. Occupying her time for a few minutes were the enemy troops being stopped by the strength of her fort. She smiled, no one could stop her. With a hoarse laugh, the fantasy propelled her hooves forward to squash the enemy troops. With a forceful push, she lifted herself away from the box and tripped on the snow. Her mouth was covered in dirt snowflakes.

It was then she realized what her fantasies were always: fantasies.

With what little dignity she retained, she crawled into the box and continued to hold herself, grabbing the newspapers that had fallen from her earlier descent. She continued to occupy her time by viewing the ponies that seemed to have nothing better to do than wander Canterlot’s white scenery.

Her eye was caught by a cloaked creature. It didn’t move like the other ponies, having two feet on the ground instead of four. Its face and body were covered by the cloak and only its sharp claws showed. She felt a fear towards the strange being. An inescapable claw tugged at her heart violently. She was frozen, unable to move.

It spotted her spying on it. Her eyes screamed for it to stay away from her. It took a few steps towards her. Go away, she thought with a scream in her head. The creature walked forward until it faced her. The tension was suffocating to her. Her pupils expanded to the size of saucers.
What was it going to do to her? She thought with anxiety in her mind. She shut her eyes tight, awaiting for what was going to happen.

A few seconds of stillness passed. The creature breathed out and in heavily, like it was preparing something. She dared to crack open one eye, expecting a deadly surprise. Her eyes widened at what she saw: The creature holding a sketchbook, scrawling in it with a pencil. After she realized she wasn’t going to get hurt anytime soon, she craned her neck to see what was hidden behind that cloak. This creature’s quite tall, she realized. She decided to wait until the creature was done doing what it was doing in its sketchbook, suspicion turning into curiosity.

The scratching noise of pencil against paper stopped. The creature lowered the sketchbook, turning it to let her see what was drawn. She saw what was looked like her, smiling and having fun in the land of snow. She sniffed at what was once reality. Just as suddenly, she sneered. Harsh reality surrounded her as the snowflakes ate at her body warmth. She glared at the covered from head to toe being. How fortunate it was, to be clothed in such warm fabrics to protect it from winter’s harsh bite.

The creature let out a big sigh and set down its hood, revealing a snout and a face, blacker than smog with green markings. “Hi, I’m Jack Daniel.” The creature said gently, like a whisper. It started to kneel down to her level. He descended to the point of facing her with only the minimum of neck craning. “Would you like me to take you away warm?”

She stared at the strange creature. Where would it take her, to its lair for feeding? Then again, it wasn’t tried to hurt or eat her yet. She didn’t want to think too hard about it. The only thought that invaded her mind was the cold. She nodded silently and exposed herself to more of the snow.

The creature called “Jack Daniel” smiled innocuously at her. Lifting her up with one arm like a big Christmas present, he readied himself. “Close your eyes.” He said to her. The little filly responded in kind, shutting her eyes away from the raging snowflakes. The next thing she knew, she felt a surge of air as her body felt forcibly shifted. This process repeated twice. The second time, she felt a noticeable thump as they touched earth.

“Open them.” Jack Daniel requested. The little filly opened them. She saw a large mansion, second or third only to Canterlot Castle in terms of size. She also saw a paper bag in Jack Daniel’s free hand. He trudged a few steps until he got to the door, grandiose in design and large in scale. Jack Daniel knocked on the door tepidly.

Out came a strange creature, it looked like a pony, except black and with a leathery hide and standing on two hooves. His red eyes were joyous at the arrival at a new guest. "Boldog Karácsonyt!" Jack Daniel said with his face aglow with joy. “Jack! How’s life treating you, buddy?” The black pony-lookalike laughed. Jack Daniel let the filly down and greeted the other creature with a hug. “"Not much, Knightmare. I bought a little surprise for tonight,” he said while waving the paper bag content, a vintage bottle of Hungarian Brandy (Pálinka), in front of Knightmare’s eyes.

“Oh, thank god, we need more alcohol. Khajiit and Zeta have been getting restless and we just emptied Notus’ wine collection… oh and Khajiit just knocked out Necore, good times.” Knightmare said with complete genuineness and a big smile. Knightmare then spied his eyes on the filly. “I see you brought two little surprises for tonight.” Knightmare said while mid-hug.

Knightmare disengaged the hug and looked curiously at her. “I just brought her here,” Jack said with a shrug. “You have a name, little filly?” Knightmare asked her. She didn’t answer, her mouth sealed shut.

Knightmare nodded. “The more, the merrier!” He said with a smile and, resuming his jolly demeanor, cantered off inside, signaling the odd pair in front of the door inside for the festivities. Jack Daniel went first inside. The little filly peeked to see what she was getting herself into.

It looked one crazy party, with all the singing, drinking and dancing going about in the foyer alone. There was a skeleton looked like it was knocked out, a cat creature that seemed drunk off the atmosphere, a winged wolf that was showing tongue, and a griffin that was one drink away from showing the entire package.

Yet, in the little filly eyes, everything about this joyful image seemed to spite her. She ran away from the image, far away from the light, from the mansion, running far so she never had to see it again in her life. Her tiny, weak hooves carried her in the middle of the white laden streets. Her ragged breath tore at the air and made her realize she was going to faint. Her strength leaving her, she felt the need to lie down and sleep.

She was about to until she was stopped by a distant sound, slowly growing louder. Her hazy eyes focused onto a group walking through the streets. Perhaps the first thing she realized was the strange creatures in it. There were fillies and colts alright. Two pegasi mares joined them, nothing out of the ordinary yet. The grey filly with multi-colored hair, wolf with two horns, the winged cat thing and the snake thingy struck her strange.

She dragged herself away from them, no more weird creatures for tonight, she thought. Her hind hooves limped a bit from fatigue of running. Her vision was slowly fading. Not yet, she was going to get out of here before she fell. Darkness swallowed her up before she finished her next thought.

In the fortress of her subconscious, images of her childhood were conjured to hurt her, to make her remember what couldn’t be anymore. She remembered a happy family. She felt her sister’s hooves hugging her tight every Hearth’s Warming Eve and being told she was loved. A gesture that should be unsaid but the little filly treasured it nevertheless. She remembered her father burning the celery every year, being scolded by her mother for opening the presents too early and then being kissed and laughing with her mother due to her inability to have a good hiding place.

One day, her father and mother were called to work, about to help out with the delivering of toys to little foals who believed in Santa Hooves. She smiled an uneasy smile at them when they were about to leave the door. There was a record storm raging on outside. She remembered being nuzzled, having her fears unfounded and told that they’d be home soon. She waited and waited… but they never got home.

Her sister tried her best to care for her afterwards but even she could see how wore out her sister was turning, sagging eyelids, dark spots under the eyes and droopy cheeks. Her sister had laughed it off, alleviating her fears with a hearty laugh. She knew better, knew that she was the reason that her sister was in such dispiriting conditions. That night, she had yelled at her sister, told her that she should just leave her if she’s such a burden. The first and last time she was hit. Not a burden, her sister said with a hug, my sister. A few years of her sister being overworked to the bone and she was now an orphan.

She felt their presence next to her. She wanted to hug her sister back for once. She wanted to laugh with her father as he burned the turkey again. She wanted to tell her mother that she won’t look for the presents anymore. She wanted to tell them that she’ll hug and tell them she loves them as much as they did for her. She wanted to say anything to stop them from leaving but, of course, they had left a long time ago.

Her conscious was being stirred awake, a sharp feeling on both sides of her face. She woke up with blazing cheeks and found herself still on the streets, the air aglow with frost that tore through her weakened eyes. She found herself wrapped in a cloak and scarf, slightly big for her tiny frame. She turned her head to face the creature that pinched her. It was the winged cat thing.

She suddenly realized she was surrounded by fillies and colts, the same ones she saw before she fainted. The familiar sight of the two horned wolf, the grey filly with varying shades of mane, the snake thingy. She, at a moment’s notice, felt more awkward than she ever felt before. She was prodded by the touch of the snake thingy. She recoiled at once at its touch. The snake thingy didn’t seem offended, retaining a calm air about him. “Are your parents nearby?” It said.

She cringed. There was no way she could answer truthfully to this. If she did, she’d be a burden to someone else again. She nodded, her parents were nearby. The snake thingy seemed to take that as an answer. However, she almost missed that glint of doubt in his eyes. At the very least, he was respectful to her wishes and stubbornness. “Would you like a song then, little filly?” It asked.

She nodded again. It would be rude and suspicious to refuse their chorus. At that cue, the group began to sing. A sweet song flowed like a mare’s milk into her ears. The biting frost of the air gave way to the soft melody of the group, harmonizing as one to conjure the images of fluffy pillows, easy to fall asleep in. A groan of pain came with her cracked lips gaping. She remained mesmerized in the dances of nature’s faeries and spirits she saw that moved in the symphony of the group that sang. Finally, the winged cat finally finished the song off, ending with a soft note.

She cried a single tear, her reality giving way to the innocence of such a song. She silently sobbed, lifting the scarf up to hide her tears from them. She realized that she had never cried these kinds in her years alone. That gave way to more sorrowful emotions pouring out. Suddenly, she felt her body squeezed, the grey filly hugging her with all her might. She choked back a gasp and let the embrace warm her body up.

The grey filly gave her a silent smile, as if to tell that it was going to ok. The gesture stung, not as bad as before but there was a pain that lingered. The filly felt her strength return with the warmth of the scarf and cloak. The filly pushed the grey filly, gained the element of surprise and ran away into the darkness of Canterlot, the alleyways.

Her breath grew more ragged with each dash forward, each corner turned and each thought racing through her mind. Finally, she found herself at her cardboard box and blanket of newspaper. The corner of her lips turned a whisper of a smile. She returned into her fortress. It was the same as before, except with the added bonus of the cloak and scarf.

She tried to snuggle with her newfound warmth. Not long after she settled down, she heard the thudding of footsteps. Her heart raced at the thought. Did one of those carolers find her? She didn’t want them to take her burden. She held her breath back, turning silent, with only the blustery sky resounding. The footsteps grew louder and louder. Go away, she thought. I want you to go, go, gogogogogogogoGO!

The footsteps stopped. She didn’t breathe. A few anxious seconds passed, she finally judged that she was going to be left alone. She sighed with a breath of relief. A second after that, she felt the box tugged by the edges and found her faced with a strange creature. A rather handsome face with goat horns on the sides of his head. She turned silent at the sudden intruder. She felt him peering at every inch of her starved body. She felt very self-conscious at the moment. “Sorry, wait here,” the goat man said before he ran off.

A fury of emotions stormed her mind, the strongest was confusion. What was that, she thought. A good few minutes later, she heard the galloping the goat man’s legs. The goat man knocked on the cardboard box and peered down to face her. “Are you ready for a special treat, an exclusive show from the Amazing Ace?” He said with a dramatic voice. The confusion turned to apprehension. She nodded with a reluctant face.

The goat man called Ace started flourishing his hands in a showy manner, taking out a cloth out of his belt, waving it as if to hide something. “Now for the magic to work, you must close your eyes, you know that. You must believe in the magic for it to come true.” He smiled a flamboyant expression. The filly compiled. A few seconds passed. “Ok, now you can open them,” the goat man said. What the filly saw surprised even her.

Plates of toasted bread, tomato soup, apple pie and a glass of apple cider was what she opened her eyes to. She first felt a surge of anger at being pitied again, then a flood of self-depreciation for herself for letting this happen. Ace sensed this. “I’m not saying I’m giving this to you for any special reason. I’m giving this from one street wanderer to another.” This reasoning stirred a feeling of hunger in the little filly and a sense of acknowledgement to the street magician.

Ace watched as the filly dug into the plate, eschewing manners, savaging tearing into the toasted bread, slurping the tomato soup, biting chunks of the apple pie off and chugging the apple cider in a gulp. She burped with a loud volume. She blushed at Ace’s chuckle at her lack of décor. “You wanna take a walk with me?” Ace offered. The filly nodded this time, less reluctant then before. She followed after him.

They walked through the city covered in white. They saw families wandering off the few hours before their dinners, little fillies tripping as they ran off and slipped on a bit of ice and adults coughing fits and grumping that they should’ve went home earlier. Most of these events made the filly sad again but this time, with the street magician, he managed to make her laugh at least at times. He remarked on how some adults’ face looked like blowfish, puffing his cheeks out to look like a fat stallion’s. He sometimes would even find a piece of bread, for the filly to nibble on, behind her ear.

Finally their trip ended as they returned to her cardboard box. Ace turned to the filly. “You wanna come with me? I’ll take you somewhere warm,” he said, reassuring in tone. The filly felt her first urge to let someone take her away, being so moved with this creature’s sympathy. However, she felt the need to refuse, shaking her head. Not yet, she thought. The street magician nodded, turning his feet at her and walking away with a light step.

Now, at least she could get some peace and quiet. That last creature was fun though, she thought. She felt lonely though. She snuggled with her cloak and started to close her eyes. Before she completely closed herself from the rage of outside, she heard the flapping of wings. She arched an eyebrow at the strange notion of a winged creature flying in this storm. She looked out her box. She saw a griffin, hovering above her. With the snow clinging onto him, it looked like a guardian angel to her eyes. Strangely enough, it flew past her once he saw him.

She decided she was going to close the lids of the cardboard box this time, to finally get some sleep. With outstretched hooves, she finally closed herself from the outside storm. She clutched her shivering body for warmth. Using the scarf and cloak as a blanket, she finally seemed to get some sleep. She groaned just before she completely closed her eyes. More footsteps, she anticipated this. She opened the lid and peered outside to see a sight for sore eyes.

It was a white wolf, dressed in a weird combination of billowy lower wear and coat. The only clue that it was strange was that he had a red and blue eye, juxtaposing each other. He saw her. “Konnichiwa,” (Hello) he greeted her in a strange tongue. His footsteps carried him right beside the filly. With a solemn expression, he sat down right beside her.

A silence came to pass the next few seconds as the wolf gathered his words. “You’re alone in this world, aren’t you?” He quietly prodded at the filly’s heart. This time, however, the filly felt it was time to open up to someone for once. She silently nodded. “You lost your parents awhile ago?” She nodded again with a twitch of cold. The white wolf noticed, took off his coat and wrapped the filly in it.

“I lost my parents very early in my life.” The creature opened up. The filly was shocked. She, at least, knew her parents. “I’ve been mostly alone for most of my life until awhile ago.” He continued on. “You know… you got some good stuff to reflect on, a family who loved you… I mean, the people who loved you never truly leave you, do they?” The filly sniffed. They never left but they never could come back to her again. “Still, maybe that’s not enough but that’s what the people around you are for, to help you when you’re down, when you’re feeling hurt. You can hug them and cry on them. That’s what those trying to help do for you, be there for you.”

“…Let it out, crying helps.” The white wolf patted the little filly that finally let the floodgate of emotions flow free into his fur. From the last word said, a part of her heart finally cracked open. She wasn’t alone in this world. There were people willing to help her. Every moment of weakness in her finally came rushing out like a stream in motion.

As her wretched cries were muffled and her hooves jerked its fur, the white wolf knew the full weight and volume of the little filly’s tears every second she cried. Finally, she cried herself asleep, the darkness taking her consciousness away from the world around her.

Her family standing beside her followed her to the land of dreams. She clung to them once more but this time, she found herself accepting of their fate. She’d never forget her family but she would never let their fate weigh her down again. As if wanting to tell them that, she hugged them tightly but let them go, telling them with a sad acknowledgement that she never forget, but she had to move on. Her family smiled, her sister hugging her, her mother pecking a kiss on her forehead and her father’s laughter echoing through the world one last time before they walked away from her. Her family being alive was a dream that would never turn reality but who said the next dream wouldn’t? The dream of people being there for her that would be her reality for her from now on.

When she woke up, she found herself wrapped in a blanket. She found an assorted feast of food in front of her. Bread, salad, tomato soup, apple pie, apple cider and cake laid out for her. Further surprising her were the various hosts of creatures surrounding her. She remembered this morning when she didn’t have a single person to trust in the world. As the tears flowed down her cheeks, she already had a group of people willing to help in front of her. She wasn’t alone in this world anymore. She would never be again. Her tears of happiness told everyone in sight that.

Jack Daniel is from Reaper1543’s fic “Travels of a Hunter”.
Knightmare is from JJ Malcolm’s fic “From Nobody to Knightmare”.
Ace is from Barrel-of-Fun’s fic “Wild Card”.
Aoi Myoujin is from IoKusanagi’s fic “The Blue Stranger, The Red Curtain”.
Marty Stu is from Keairan’s fic “A Marty Stu invades the Multiverse”.
Rachel is from rigomi’s fic “The Spoken Word”.
Lycan is from CrypticKey’s fic “Flames of the Fateless”.
Alif is from RemnantoftheWatcher’s fic “All Things of Moderation”.

Carl the Creeper

View Online

Carl the Creeper
By Cloud Surfer

“What a loser, having a My Little Pony mod for his Minecraft,” the bully yelled into my ear. Well, I guess you could call him a bully, since he harasses me on a regular basis.

In actuality Anthony, that’s the bully, is picked as much as I am at school every day, but here in the Internet Cafe, he’s in charge. He is the king nerd, and no one here is really willing to argue much with him. While in school everyone makes fun of him as the three hundred pound fatso, in the tight quarters of the Cafe he tosses his weight around in both a figurative and literal sense.

For my part, I just quickly slammed my laptop shut and attempted to excuse myself from the scene, but couldn’t find a way past Anthony’s fat blobulous form. “Trying to run away Carl? What, want to run off to watch videos of pony sex now?” his fat voice. I still don’t know if that made sense, but this guy was just that fat.

Just as I was about to utter my witty response, some deep bass voice that just screamed authority yelled “You two trying to start trouble?” Glancing down the hall, it looked like a Spartan from 300. THe guy was jacked up and looked as if he could throw both of us out of the damn building.

Now this may not seem odd since it looked like a fight was just about to break out, but the only internet cafe in our town was owned by the two biggest stoners. They really don’t care what happens as long as nothing breaks, so having some herculean dude threaten the two of us sorta made us lose our train of thought.

“Well, if that’s the case I have the perfect arena for the two of you,” and with that he lunged forward and punched Anthony in the face in a blinding flash. The moment I could see again Anthony was gone.

“What the fuck!!” was all I managed to start yelling before the guy turned and delivered a nice right hook into my face.

Waking up in a forest is never a good thing. This feeling is multiplied when the last memory you have is getting hit in the face by some massive meat head. First thing I noticed though was that I was standing. The second thing was that I had four legs.

In my completely sane moment of panic, I glanced down and what I see has me baffled. Words pretty much fail to describe it, so I’ll just give you an visual This guy. I'm sure you know the name of it.

“Liking the new form eh you little shit?”

Glancing over, I see the asshole who punched me just standing there. Behind the meet head was a Deku Shrub from Legend of Zelda. It started making those squeking noises they make and gesturing between the meathead and me.

“Anthony?” was what I wanted to say, instead it only came out as a “Hissss”

“Don’t bother trying to talk, the lot of you are in Equestria now. Welcome to the game! I’m Hercules, a demi god. I decided I’d have a little fun sending the two of you into this world. Your job is to try and live as long as possible. Have fun!” With that, he vanished.

I turned my attention towards Anthony and started to slowly approach him. I was a creeper, he couldn’t do anything to me unless he wanted to explode. Anthony seemed to notice this and turned tail and ran as far away as possible from me.

Being content with scaring away that bully, I proceeded to head in a random direction hoping to find a pony I could proceed to hug. It took me most of my day, and it was night by the time I saw a pony. It was on the roadside into a small little town I guess near Canterlot, since that mountain had been looming over me the entire town.

The pony itself was a magenta unicorn mare, with brilliant green eyes. Her cutie mark was a heart as well. Once she got a glimpse of me, she seemed rather interested. “Why hello there fella, what going on with you?”

“Hissssssss” was all I apparently could say, but I put on the best sad face i could with a creeper face.

“Aww, you look lonely, do you need a hug?” I eagerly nodded my head. As the mare approached me with a grin, she continued on, “My name is Tenderlock, my special talent is giving hugs to spread cheer!”

I inched out and laid my head on her back as she wrapped her hooves around me. I felt a warm tingling feeling in my heart as we were hugging. It was the best feeling, like all of the tension of my life was just trying to burst out and be replaced by joy.

“I have a quick question though, why are you blinking white?”

Blinking white? Why would I be blinking white, I’m just a creeper... Oh shit “Hisssssss”

KA-BOOM

The End!

Chess Game of the Gods Spoof Chapters!

by Cloud_Surfer

Nazi Pony Zombies of the Gods

Canine Clubbing

Hearth's Warming Day Spoof - Eastern Part of Canterlot

Carl the Creeper