The deadliest warrior Equestria has ever seen, who fought armies, dragons and so many more dangerous things. And that warrior wasn't someone that special, no... it was... Derpy? There's no way Derpy could do that! It is her body, but not her mind.
Major Wolfrick von Hartmann a German soldier in WWIII, nicknamed "Soldier". A man who achieved the highest kill count in only 5 years, being known for also the most kills done with a shovel and the most kills achieved in a suicide explosion. But, as mentioned above, he is deceased... Or at least was supposed to be. He now inhabits the body of a cute pegasus mare named Derpy with a passionate love for muffins. I suppose you all realize he won't sit still and live a quiet life, right? Nope, he'll become the most dangerous and feared warrior in the history of Equus... And some things better left unmentioned...
Tags will be added and removed according to the progress of the story.
Rated teen for stupid and dark humor and maybe a little gore later, also cursing and suggestive stuff.
Greetings. I am Major Wolfrick von Hartmann, part of the great Nazi German army who came back in World War III, which started in the year 2020. I wasn't the most liked person, not even in my own army, since I didn't really care about their supposed rightfulness and whatever. All I really cared about was war. Ah such a great thing. Strategies, military power, traps, the battle themselves and so much more, I love all of them. I suppose I could be called a war loving psychopath, but that's besides the point. And, to put it bluntly, the only reason they didn't get rid of me was because of the results I achieved. I was quite the effective soldier, if I say so myself. Although I may talk like this and usually act composed, I am quite the... *ahem* special soldier... I mean, who else would ever think of rocket jumping in real life? How I pulled it off is a story for another time... Hehehe... Also all those times I killed people with a shovel, got myself a nickname of "Soldier" due to my resemblance to the Soldier from a game called Team Fortress 2... Which I admit is quite true. MAGGOTS! Hahaha! Well... I was all that... Until the summer of the year 2025 when I committed suicide by blowing myself up along with my entire fortress and all the enemies in it... Heh... I still remember what they said... "*in a mock British accent* Surrender, you are only one man!" Oh and my line... God I still laugh about it... "Where you see one man, I C4."... Hahaha! The looks on their faces when they realized what I meant were priceless. But there seems to be a problem, I'm not dead. Not in heaven, hell or any other type of afterlife. No, I am currently inhabiting the body of a small equine creature called a pony, a pegasus to be exact... I was a small grey mare with a blonde mane and yellow eyes... Which are affected by Strabismus, Hypertropia to be exact; by the name of Derpy Hooves. Although it seem a little rude considering her situation, at least it's cute. Thankfully, I seem to have kept her memories... Let's just say her life wasn't sunshine and rainbows like others' lives. Everything was really bad, until she- or should I say I met a certain stallion. He calls himself "The Doctor", Doctor Whooves to be exact. My native language seems to have changed though... Since I seem to now speak Equestrian, which is pretty much a different version of English. Thank god I still speak German, or Germaneigh... Horse puns... Hehe... Oh and for some reason I seem to have a craving for american muffins. Did I mention I have a daughter? And no, she's not mine and Doc's, since we aren't married, or even dating; the story behind it is... Quite dark, I have to admit... She's 8 years old and I'm 20... I'll rather not talk about it... Ahem... Let me explain in detail what happened so far...
~Ponyville, in the Morning~
It was a peaceful morning in Ponyville. All the ponies were still asleep, the sun having barely showed itself from behind the horizon. Nothing seemed to be able to destroy this beautiful scenery that seemed to be cut right out of a picture. But you all know Murphy's law! When something can go wrong, IT WILL! And it all happened with a crystal destroying scream spreading all across Equestria.
Every single being in Equestria was woken up by it.
The Doctor jolted awake the moment he heard the scream, and he recognized it instantly. It was Derpy's. He quickly got out of bed and rushed to her room, kicked the door open and rushed to her.
"What happened?! What's wro-" He was quickly cut off when Derpy punched him in the face sending him flying.
"Oh... It's only you Doc." Derpy said as she stopped screaming.
"Oww... Your punch sure has gotten a lot more power into it..." The Doctor said as he rubbed the back of his head.
"Hehe..." Derpy laughed awkwardly as she smiled.
"*sigh* Come, I'll make breakfast this time." The Doctor then left out the door.
So here I am, in the bed, after a panic attack from a dream of fighting in a muffin helicopter against 3 evil cupcakes ones... And for some reason I'm handling the fact that I'm in another body in another world really well... Must be because I've seen so many fucked up shit in the war that I'm pretty much unaffected by it. Yeah that must be it.
I should get going. I slowly get out of bed, adjusting to hooves and standing on all fours pretty quickly, and then left for the bathroom. The house so far seemed really clean and simple. There were some painting here and there, but otherwise nothing much. I entered the bathroom, which might I add was pretty neat, having all the necesarry things along with a fluffy carpet. I love fluffy carpets. Almost as much as my shovel. I love my shovel. I miss my shovel... As I was saying, I looked in the mirror and couldn't help myself from a quiet "D'aww" at how cute I looked. Ah... I can just imagine how adorable I'd look with a bucket on my head and a shovel in my mouth. Simply adorable.
I shake my head. 'I must focus... My name is Derpy... I'm 20 years old, I have a cute 8 year old daughter, I'm a mailmare, and I live with a stallion named Doctor Whooves... Wait... Doctor Whooves.... The Doctor Whooves... The Doctor Who-... Wait... Doctor Who? No way... There's no way he's The Doctor... Must be just a coincidence, there's no way the Doctor exists it's just a show and movies- Wait... This seems familiar.... Ponies... Hmm... Eh I must be imagining stuff. There's no way that stuff's real. But I was supposed to be dead. And here I am as a pony. Something's not right... Tsk concerning myself with this will only make things more complicated, so I should just let it pass. Sounds about right.
I open the mirror cabinet and somehow manage to grab the toothbrush with my hoof, which not only sounds impossible it also looks weird, I mean, it looks like the toothbrush is stuck to my hoof with a really strong magnetic field. If I want to hold it it sticks and if I want to drop it, the "magnetic field" seems to stop... Weird. I started brushing my teeth quickly after I grabbed the toothbrush I started brushing my teeth. I quickly finished and made my way to the kitchen. I slowly went down the streets looking at the paintings on the wall. I couldn't help but smile as memories concerning them started appearing in my head. As I enter the kitchen I see Doc making some pancakes.
"Hey Doc, how's breakfast?" I asked the Doctor with a smile as I sat at the table.
"Good." He smiled back.
"Is Dinky awake?" I asked him as I tilted my head.
"Should be soon. Can you get her to school on your way to work?" Said the Doctor as he put the three plates of pancakes on the table. The exact second the last plate touched the table Dinky rushed in the kitchen.
"Morning Mom! Morning Doc!" Dinky said happily as she jumped on her chair.
"Good morning My Little Muffin." I giggled as I smiled at my daughter. It's really cute how Derpy calls her "My Little Muffin", so of course I have to say it too. I think I might get diabetes at how sweet this place is... It's worth the risk though.
"Good morning Dinky" I heard Doc say while laughing.
This is really calming... Makes me feel at peace... I don't like it. I mean, I do love them... I think? But I NEED to fight. To smack people with a shovel. To beat the crap out of someone... I need to do something about it as soon as possible.
Soon after we all finished eating, me and Dinky both got prepared to leave. Dinky got her backpack while I got my bag and hat. We got out of the house while saying our goodbyes to Doc. Firstly, we got to the town hall to pick up the packages and mail and then we went off to school, where I left Dinky with a goodbye and then went off to do my job.
Everything all went uneventfully... Is what I'd like to say. The exact moment I took flight I smacked face first into a tree. Which started an unfortunate series of events which included me hitting my head into things, crashing, flying into others and so on. The accident count at the end of my deliveries was exactly 43. I then went to pick up Dinky from school and get her home, which didn't take too long and without any accidents (thankfully). As we got home, which I forgot to mention is part house part clock shop. It looks really nice if I had to say. As we entered the shop we saw Doc working on fixing a clock.
"Hi Doc!" Said Dinky as she ran up the stairs into the house, dropped her bag and ran out the door to play. "Bye Doc! Bye mom!" Fact which made both me and Doc chuckle.
"So, how's work been?" Asked Doc with a worried smile.
"Eh it was fine, only had 43 accidents today." I answered him to which he sighed.
"I guess it can't be helped can it?" Doc smiled as he said that.
"I suppose. Hey can I borrow your workshop?" I asked him while thinking of what I was going to make.
"Sure, but why?" He asked while tilting his head.
"I want to make some things." I said with a smile.
"Alright, just be careful not to hurt yourself." He told me while he went back to working on the clock.
"I knoooow~ I'm not a filly anymore, I can take care of myse-" I got quickly cut off as I hit my head on the corner of the door to the workshop.
"I told you." Doc said without taking his eyes off the clock's mechanism.
"Shut up." I mumbled while rubbing my forehead with a hoof. I heard him chuckle as I closed the door to the workshop after entering it.
Now you all must be wonder. But Major Hartmann, what could you possibly want to make in Doc's workshop? Well, you know, just a shovel. Now you must ask yourself again, why would I want to make a shovel instead of buying it? Well it's simple! I will not buy just any shovel, I will make my own, I'll create the perfect shovel. Just what I've done in the war. Now, now, let's stop with thinking about the war. There were some stuff that need to never be mentioned. Hmm? Oh no, I don't have any flashbacks, hell no! I don't consider any of the stuff I've seen or done fucked up, I've done what I thought was right, and never once did I believe I've done anything wrong. Yes, I've killed, bombed, destroyed, burned: soldiers, military bases, cities, towns, civilians, even children. Do I regret them? No. No, I don't. Why? Simple, I've only done what was needed to end the war as soon as possible. Was it really needed? Yes, yes it was. To end the war with some countries as soon as possible to save my country. I... was a patriot, a really big one. I chose my country over others, it's that simple. Do I consider those actions inhumane? Yes. They are. I'm worse than garbage. The scum of the world. I... I have made myself a throne, for "The Monster of World War III". Heh... heh... heh... I guess I did my dream in the end. Write my name down in history. Ha... I must stop... That was the past, I'm not that anymore, I'm a cute young mare with an adorable daughter... I'm not a warmonger anymore... I... Aren't one... Yet... Kikiki... Kekeke... HeheheHAHAHA!
Ha... Ha... Ha... Calm down Derpy... Calm down... You aren't like that...This place is peaceful... There's no wars here... Yeah... I'm a peaceful pretty little pony... Yeah...
After I calmed down I started working on making my shovel. For nothing than comfort really, it makes me feel safe having my shovel with me. It took quite a few hours to finish it, since it had to be perfect. I managed to finish it at dusk. After I finished making the shovel, I opened the door to the workshop and walked out with it in my mouth. Since I wasn't looking where I was going I bumped into Doc on my way out, causing me to fall on my butt. And when I looked up to him he looked confused.
"Derpy? Why did you make a shovel?" He asked me as he tilted his head.
"I wanted a shovel. So I made one!" I said happily.
"Umm... Alright? Come, you missed lunch, at least eat dinner." Doc said with a sigh.
"Sorry..." I said as I looked down.
"It's fine. I'm not mad." Doc smiled as he waved his hoof for me to follow him. "Come." Both of us then went to the kitchen. I saw that Dinky was already back from playing outside. I smiled as I sat down at the table and Doc went to serve the dinner.
"Hello My Muffin, did you have fun?" I asked my daughter with a smile.
'Yeah! I've had tons of fun!" She said smiling as wide as possible as she was jumping up and down in her chair making me giggle, I also heard Doc chuckle while he came with the food, which was spaghetti. My arms are sweaty. Mom's spaghetti. My breath is heavy. Mom's spaghetti. We all then started eating while Dinky told us about what happened today. After that, I went with Dinky to take a bath with her while Doc was cleaning the plates.
~WARNING ! NSFW SCENE AHEAD! WARNING!
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DIO!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bath was really relaxing, after finishing it I grabbed Dinky, who fell asleep during the bath, and put her in her bed with kiss on her forehead. I quickly left the room after that so I don't wake her up by accident. After that I went downstairs where Doc fell asleep with his head on the table. I quietly got behind him. Got really close to his ear. And whispered softly.
"Hey Doc..." I then breathed in. "WAKE THE FUCK UP!" And screamed in his ear making him fall down the chair screaming.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" He screamed in agony as he put his hoofs over his ears. "Derpy what the fuck was that for?!" He screamed at me as his ears boomed in pain. My response being me on the ground laughing my ass off. "Derpy, this isn't funny!"
I got up slowly, stopped laughing and looked down, looking sorry. "Yeah you're right, it isn't funny... IT'S HILARIOUS!" I then collapsed on the ground laughing even harder.
Doc's response being facehoofing and groaning. "God damn it Derpy..."
"Heh... heh... heh... Sowwy... Couldn't help myself..." I showed him my best puppy eyes.
"Sigh... I can't get mad at you..." He shook his head. "Did you put Dinky to sleep?" I nodded. "Good. I'll go take a bath, you should go to sleep." I nod then leave.
I quickly got to my room and jumped inside the covers. Snuggling there comfortably and finally going to sleep.
In a far away land, an old man was sitting at a bar, he could be described simply as broken, one of his eyes was milky white, his left hand was limp, while his right leg was missing. He used to be a soldier, a veteran who has been trough hell and back. All those around him were asking him to tell them a story. At first, he didn't want to, but eventually he gave in and started as everyone got closer to hear his story better.
"Once upon a time... There was a man, he was the perfect soldier, made for battle. Everyone called him a hero, a saint, an angel sent from heaven... Pff yeah right. Angel my ass. That guy was a monster, hell you could have told me he was the Devil himself and I would have believed you. Ah but that does not matter, I'm going to tell you a story, about the time I fought against him." He shifted in his chair, coughed and began his tale once more.
"Me and my men came from Ukraine and went to fight at the Romanian border, it was supposed to be an easy mission, our data telling us of the Romania's forces as being weak and not having the latest weapons. The data was wrong, Germany managed to sent them troops and weapons when they fought and occupied Hungary. But we thought we could manage, me and my friends were in really high spirits, believing that we still had the advantage... Oh how wrong we were... The second we stepped foot on Romanian land, the soldiers standing in the front line all got shot down by snipers, forcing everyone to jump for cover. From time to time there were some brave men, or idiots who would lift up their head to check if it was over, which would result in their heads being blown off. A really smart idea. A one so smart at least 10 idiots used it. One after the other..." He sighed at that memory, causing everyone in the tavern to laugh.
"Alright, alright. Shush. Let me continue." Everyone quieted down quickly. "Where was I...? Oh yeah, the snipers blowing the idiots' heads off." He coughed in his hand and started his tale once again. "Not long after the morons stopped popping their heads out to be blown off by the snipers, I swear to god it's like the entire Romanian army was made out of snipers... Ahem, so we finally get our reinforcements, and the snipers soon back off as we come out of cover and open fire. I do have to admit, we were a little too confident back then, but that's to be expected considering how young we were back then. And that also proved to be all according to their plans." He stopped for a second to collect his thoughts and continued his story. "We were pushing them back, but not for long. We ended up chasing them into the forest, and fell for the most basic strategy in the book. But not in the way we expected, there were no tanks hiding and shooting at us from the forest. No, they jumped at us. From the sky, it looked like there were angels coming down to deliver divine punishment. All of them were sky diving down to us while shooting, which I have to admit, was quite awesome to see. But that's not the weirdest thing, their commander who was god damn rocket jumping all over the place easily took first place, ran away with it and came back to take second and third place. That place was a massacre, not only were they shooting at us from above, which would have been fine, they also had snipers positioned everywhere to shoot us all down. The laughter from the enemy commander that filled the air did not help on bit." Everything went silent, Then everyone started demanding for an explanation, and soon, they got it.
"I got it! Shut up already!" He huffed and as soon as everyone calmed down he cleared his throat and started. "So, that crazed fucker of a commander that they had was killing everyone with a shower of rockets and smacking people with a shovel. He was also calling everyone maggots. Which I later learned was a reference to an old game or something like that. I was too busy running for my life to even give a shit. If only you guys saw how scared I was when I saw him looking straight at me and threw his shovel at me from far away. To this day, I have no idea how he managed to throw it that far, and fuck up my right leg so much. Thankfully a friend of mine helped me escape."
"Wait... Wasn't that guy, Soldier, supposed to be a war legend or some shit like that?" A young man, in his twenties asked the old veteran.
"I wish! That fucker was as real as they get."
"But what happened to him?" Another youngster, probably a friend of the first one, asked.
"From what I saw in the report, he blew himself up along with the strongest bunker and the important papers that were there. He also took along all the people that were surrounding the bunker. I think he got like... 300 people? Yeah around that."
"Thank god he's dead, right?" Laughed everyone in the bar.
"I... Don't believe it. I still think he's alive somewhere, that fucker isn't that easy to kill." The old man said with a terrified expression stuck on his face.
"Come on, there's no way anyone can survive a blowing themselves up! You must just be traumatized or something."
"I'm not so sure about that. The shit I've seen in the fights that guy has been in made me question reality..." He stopped and looked down. "Maybe not here, but somewhere... He's still alive... And surely, just as the sun is warm and the moon soothing, that guy will become a legend, no matter where he is..." That is all the old man said as he left the bar, making all those in it laugh, at what they thought were the ramblings of a crazy old man. Oh how wrong they were...
~Equestria~
Derpy's eyes shoot open as she woke up. "Is someone talking about me?" She looks around left and right, trying to find out what exactly is going on. "Wait a second..." Derpy lightly smacks herself in the head. "Duh! I'm not Hartmann anymore, I'm Derpy now. Must be just my imagination." She shrugged her head and slowly walked out of the room. 'I really hope this inter dimensional space mambo jumbo doesn't screw with my head too much.' On the way towards the bathroom, she stopped to open the door to Dinky's room to check on her. When she saw that Dinky wasn't there, panic hit her, and it hit hard. 'Oh no... No no no... No no no NO NO NO!'
"MUFFIN?! DINKY?! DEAR?! WHERE ARE YOU?! DINKY!!!" She frantically ran down towards the living room where a startled Doctor Whooves was sitting. "DOC! ahem Doc! Where's Dinky?! Why isn't she in her room?! She didn't get kidnapped did she?!" Derpy started hyperventilating as she started panicking harder, that is until The Doctor shook her to listen.
"Derpy." He sighed as he massaged his temples. "It's saturday... I've told you this a million times... She's out to play with her friends..." Doc was looking at her with a deadpan expression.
"Oh... I knew that... Hehe..." Derpy blushed and rubbed the back of her head.
"Good heavens Derpy, one day you are going to give me a hearth attack" When hearing that, Derpy looked down sadly. "Ah... I can't get mad at you, Derpy." He pat her head as she gave him a goofy smile. But then suddenly got really serious.
"Doc, there's something really important that I want to tell you." Her voice was uncharacteristically serious, which really threw him off.
"Wh-What is it Derpy?" Whooves seemed disturbed by the sudden seriousness that the silly mare displayed.
"I've been thinking for a while now... But I kind of want to enroll in the royal guard." Upon hearing those words, Doc froze in place. "Err... Doc? You okay?" Slowly, Derpy was getting really nervous. 'I think I broke him.' Getting closer, she looked at him straight in the eyes, and booped his nose, which caused the desired effect.
"Wha-?" Doc shakes his head as his brain finally finished rebooting. He looked around confused, until his eyes settled on the grey pegasus in front of him. "Derpy, why would you want to be in the royal guard? I thought you were happy with your job." He seemed quite confused.
"Well... I guess it's because I'm scared I might really hurt someone while doing my job. You know how many times I almost caused an accident..." She said as she looked down in sadness. 'I hope he believes me... I NEED to go fight something, this urges are killing me. And I don't want to accidentally kill someone innocent.'
"Derpy I-" Doc looked down and sighed. "I guess you are right... But what about Dinky? She will miss you."
"I..." She started thinking about it more. 'He's right... Normally I wouldn't care about it, but ever since I've been in this body I've been feeling a really high attraction to my daughter and Doc... I guess I can delay it a little.' She sighs. "I guess I can think about it more..." Doc smiled.
"Thank you, Derpy. Now come, I've made you some pancakes." He went into the kitchen and signaled Derpy with his hoof to follow him, which she did.
The pegasus sat down in her usual seat and slowly started eating the pancakes that already started to get cold. "You know... You should really calm down sometimes, it's not good if you panic so much this often. Too much stress can really take a hold on a mare like you." She heard her friend say.
"I know... It's just... whenever it's about Dinky I can't help it but get really worked up about it..." Derpy said while munching on a pancake.
The Doctor sighed and said as he left the kitchen. "I'll be in my lab if you need me. Also, make sure you rest for a little while. You won't want to pass out again like last week." Her answer was a muffled 'Mkay' from the silly grey mare. But then her head sprang up and screamed after the stallion.
"WAIT! DON'T YOU MEAN YOUR WORKSHOP?"
"NO! MY LAB!" The Doctor answered back from somewhere in the house.
"SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE A LAB?" The mare shouted.
"I'VE TOLD YOU ABOUT IT SINCE YOU AGREED TO-" She heard a groan and Doc walked inside the kitchen. "I've told you about it when I told you my secret, did you forget about it?" He asked while tilting his head.
"Of course I didn't forget about it! Err... What was the secret again?" Derpy said with a silly smile to which the Doctor's hoof decided to give his face a french kiss causing a loud smacking sound.
"Derpy... I'm a Time Lord. I've got to go try to fix the TARDIS. But I just can't get it to work, for some weird reason. I've been trying to for a few years now." When the words 'Time Lord' left his mouth Derpy started choking for a second before calming herself. Derpy flinched.
"Oh... Right! I remember now!" She said with a nervous smile.
"If you say so?" The Doctor raised an eyebrow at that, but eventually gave up.
Derpy was looking at the doorway. 'The Doctor...' She was stunned, continuing to look where the Doctor once was. 'Fucking holy fucking flying fucking fuck.' She shook her head, trying to make out just what the hell was going on. 'The Doctor is real... That's just... Wow... Well I sure as hell didn't expect that! Holy... Wait... Doesn't that mean that all his enemies in the show, Daleks, Cybermen, Weeping Angels and the others, EXIST TOO?! Oh fuck... That's bad. Really fucking bad.' Derpy got up from the chair, put her plate in the sink and started cleaning it before leaving to the Doctor's workshop. "I can't continue being a mailmare... I have to prepare in case they come, I don't think Doc can really stop them alone... Dinky... That's it! I'm gonna start training a little, and Monday I'll go to Canterlot and enroll in the royal guard, to be able to train harder and get access to their different technologies and stuff. Doc and Dinky might not be happy with it, but it's for the better... Maybe a war will start and I'll need to defend the country... Heh... That might not be so bad after all. Been a while since I've gotten my kicks." She mumbled to herself as she entered the workshop and closed the door behind her. That room becoming the place she spent the rest of the day in, much to the Doctor's and Dinky's confusion and worry for the well being of the mare. Along with her change in attitude, she still had the same character, but something seemed off about her.
"Derpy..." The Doctor said while knocking on the door. "Open the door already... It's lunch time and there have been at least twenty explosions coming from there. Derpy it's been hours..." He continued knocking, until finally giving up with a groan and mumbling under his breath. "I swear... Sometimes I really don't get you..." He sat down in front of the door to his workshop. He sat there for a few more minutes, being thankful that Dinky went outside to play, so she wouldn't get worried over her mother. Just as he was about to give up, the door creaked open, causing smoke to come out of the room, along with Derpy. She was covered head to hoof in oil and a black powder that made her fur and mane completely black, except for her head, which was covered by a welding helmet. She pulled the said helmet up and said with a proud smile.
"Houston, we have a solution." Derpy said as she looked down at him. "Sup Doc?"
"Derpy? What were you even doing in there? There was an explosion every half an hour!" He almost never saw her go in his workshop to build something, but in those times something blew up only three times, not twenty! "What were you working on that ended up in so many explosions?"
"Remember how I've told you I've been thinking about joining the royal guard?" She asked while taking off the welding helmet and throwing it away.
"Yes, you said you'd think about it. What are you getting at?" He asked, worry starting to creep on his face.
"Well I've thought about it, and decided that it would be for the best." He opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by Derpy. "And no, I do believe that this is the best course of action. I know the world isn't as safe as we all think it is, the princesses did a damn good job at creating a Garden of Eden for us, and I sure as hell want to keep it that way." She walked towards a window and looked outside, seeing all the ponies with smiles on their faces, living wonderful lives. She turned around to look him in the eyes. "Before you say that others will do it even if I don't, I must tell you this. I don't trust those horrible excuses that they call royal guards. You've seen them, haven't you?" The Doctor looked down at that, knowing fully what she was talking about. The guards were trained, they did a good job... But they weren't nearly good enough to deal with the threats that can come. Hell, if a war started, the only reason Equestria won't fall are the princesses. "You know it. So please..." She grabbed his head and forced him to look her in the eyes, which was a little hard to do considering her condition. "Trust me on this, ok?" He tried to stay strong, but against such adorable and determined eyes, he gave in.
"Fine... I'll trust you, just... Take care ok? Dinky's world would be shattered if something bad happened to you."
"I know, and that's exactly why I want to do this." She let him go and went back inside to take a weird wooden and metal tube along with some other, smaller cylinders.
"What are those?" The doctor asked, while she decided to ignore it and walked in her room. "And what are you doing?" He said while tilting his head.
"Getting my stuff of course. I can't miss the train to Canterlot after all." Derpy said while starting to pack some stuff.
"Wait... You are going NOW?!"
"Well... Today is the last day for signing up to join the Guard. Can't miss it after all." She said with a smile as she walked next to him. "Tell Dinky mommy will come back in the weekends. Oh and don't forget to deliver this letter telling the ponies at the courier company everything." After handing him the letter she continued walking towards the door.
"When did you write this letter?" He asked while looking down at said item.
"Yesterday while I was working on my stuff." Derpy said while opening the door.
"Wait what am I supposed to tell Dinky?!" The Doctor said with panic in his voice.
"That I love her!" As those words were said the door was closed.
"Well isn't this just lovely..." A sigh escaped his lips as he shook his head at the antics of the gray mare.
Suddenly the door opens and Derpy comes back in. "I forgot something!" She said with a sly smile.
"What?" Doc tilted his head at her words. 'What could she have probably forgotten?'
"This!" She said while grabbing his head firmly and pulled him into a deep kiss. Pushing him away quickly after. "Now I got everything done! Love ya!" Derpy said before leaving.
A few hours later, when Dinky returned she saw the Doctor sitting dumbstruck in front of the door. "Are you alright Doc?" She asked him while tilting her head.
"Yeah..."
"Where's mommy?"
"Out to Canterlot..."
"Why?"
"She went to become a guard..."
"Err... Why would she do that?"
"I... Don't know..."
"Errr... ok?" Dinky said before going towards her room.
"Oh yeah... Dinky?!" The Doctor started all of a sudden towards the filly.
"Yeah?"
"She said she loves you."
"Okay!" She said happily before running in her room.
The Doctor shook his head. 'What even happened... Why did she... I'm so confused...' He thought while sitting down on the couch. "Well this was an unexpected turn of events..."
"Ah... The smell of fresh mountain air!" The grey pegasus said happily while entering the city of Canterlot. "Almost as good as the smell of blood and sweat..." She mumbled while chuckling.
'I have to say, this place is indeed quite impressive, the architects that designed it really deserved some praise. But that's not the point, I have to get to the guard's training grounds. Derpy shook her head and started going towards her destination.
As she walked down the busy streets of Canterlot, the nobles she passed didn't even try to hide their impressions of her, the street was filled with the voices of the noble ponies that were expressing their feelings of displeasure of her presence. But the mare paid them no mind, there are more important things to worry about after all.
The walk and the signing up was pretty uneventful, the snobby nobles avoiding her, probably because of her condition. Everything went along smoothly and the day ended with her renting a room for the night. The next day started as smoothly as the previous one ended. But, as expected, things did not stay like that for long...
The day started well for Captain Shining Armor, nothing seemed to be out of ordinary, and it was time to examine the volunteers that will soon become recruits. He was always excited about meeting new guards and teaching them everything about being a guard that being the thing which he shared with his sister, Twilight Sparkle.
Upon his arrival the volunteers stiffened and some puffed up their chest trying to look strong, fact which made him chuckle. One mare did attract his attention however. It was a grey pegasus mare with a pale yellow mane. One of the things that caught his eye was her condition, suffering from wall eyes; however, the thing that really stood out is her posture. Like that of a veteran soldier that is no stranger to discipline. Now that got him quite curious. Of course, he can't show it, else it will make others thing he's making favorites.
Much to his annoyance, one of his guards, a really rash one, started picking on the poor mare. I think his name was Hot Hoof or something like that.
"What are you retard doing here? You can't even see straight!" The bulky guard said with a laugh. "Dodge!" He quickly said while throwing a punch at her.
It was too late to step in, since I was too far. I was prepared to call for the medical team, but in the end it wasn't needed. In a flash the guard was down on his back with the mare on top of him using his hoof to punch him repeatedly.
"Why are you hitting yourself? Huh? Huh? What's the problem? Why are you hitting yourself? Doesn't it hurt? Huh? It does doesn't it? Huh? Huh? Then stop hitting yourself! Stop it! What are you, retarded? Huh? Huh? Stop hitting yourself, can't you see you are making a fool out of yourself in front of your superiors? Huh? Huh?" The mare kept telling him while reenacting a scene you usually see in school with a bully and a nerd. Except the role of the bully is a tiny mare and the role of the nerd is taken by a big and burly stallion. It's actually quite funny to watch.
"Oh do you wanna apologize? Huh? Huh? OH TOO BAD!" She told him before knocking him out, and then got off of him quickly after, brushed herself off, and turned to me. "What? He asked for it! He's a little bitch too!" She scoffed and shook her head.
Two guards tried to get behind her and jumped trying to grab her. As response she simply stepped aside. "You guys are as stealthy as a drunken scotsman in liquor store." She turns towards me and says "These guys are just horribly trained. Like seriously, is this how they act towards those who want to join and help? Ridiculous!" All of them just sat and stared dumbfounded at what the mare did and said.
"What? Did your mothers never teach you this? You got some glue up in that bucket you call a head? Maybe the spider that lives there took a shit? Or is your head so fucking empty and toxic it can't even live in there? Talk you bloody fat procrastinated bastards."
"Alright..." Shining said with a deadpan expression. "You and me are going to have a talk." He said with a forced smile and picked her up in his magic before turning to the other guards. "In private." And so he headed to his office with the mare in his magic.
"Eh... Whatever." Was Derpy's response as she shrugged.
"So... Miss Derpy?" Shining Armor asked as he looked up from his papers at the mare who was currently spinning in her chair.
"Yeah?" Derpy said while continuing to spin and going all over the room with the chair.
"..."
The mare kept rolling around while mumbling a song "Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin'."
"Miss can you stop that?" Shining deadpanned at the mare's actions.
"Stop wha-?" The pegasus asked as she spun around some more and then crashed in the side of the room, causing all the neatly arranged papers to drop in a big pile on top of her.
Shining facehoofed and groaned. "What is wrong with new recruits in these days..." He mumbled under his breath.
"Alright I'll be cereal." Derpy said as she popped her head out from under the big pile of documents. "Heh... Cereal..." She shook her head. "Well the point is that from what I've seen, the majority of the guards here look like they've been trained by kindergarten bullies. Which is, as per say, a disgrace to the entire Royal Guard."
"Ah..." He looks down for a second before perking up with a small smirk. "Now that you bring that up, I really have to say that your behavior was, to be frank,-" Shining started. "Hi Frank." Derpy said cheerfully, but he just ignored her. "-it's quite interesting really." He leaned in closer. "You don't act like a civilian. Which, considering how many weird ponies exist, is quite a feat. So tell me this. Who. Are. You." His tone was dead serious. Quite a feat really, considering how silly the mare in front of him was acting.
"I'm Derpy Hooves!" She said while tilting her head and sticking her tongue out cutely. Action which caused the Captain to facehoof.
"Ugh... Go back to the barracks..." He said while rubbing his temples trying to get rid of his headache.
"Oh okay!" The pegasus said happily and skipped towards her destination. Shining waited before she left and sighed.
"I'll figure out what's going on with her later, I still have to train the recruits." He mumbled and looked at the giant pile of documents on the floor. "Great... I forgot about those... Horseapples..."
