My lip hurt. Bad. Not only that, but so did my arm, leg and fo’head.
Apostrophe is a bit much...
But the main pain was located in my lip. Which was busted wide-ass open from the unprecedented guy, who wanted to make it apparent that he was winning our physical argument.
Personally, I don't even remember why we were fighting in the first place? A girl? Maybe I spit on his shoe or something?
Oh wait… No - I cheated him in cards. That's right. I had an ace up my sleeve, and it just sorta… fell out.
Anyway. My mind was blurry, and all I wanted to do was sleep. But this douche kept throwing his beefy fists at me, trying to get me to fight back. Doing that though in a dark alley, at night? There have been times, of where I had to fight or flight. Sometimes I fight,
Other times…
Another blow landed on me, and I realized that I couldn't do anything. It was like looking at a firework show, how colors resounded across my vision, you can't look away. The main reason for my disability though, was probably because I drank too much.
The punch hit my lower jaw, pushing my pathetic frame backwards, and knocking my hat off of my head. The landing wasn't graceful, and it didn't do anything to satisfy Hulk Hogan over here… I was intoxicated and thus, I thought I was done as soon as my tush hit the moist concrete.
But NAY - For some unprecedented reason, I stood yet again.
I was in an alleyway, cliché enough, and being the person I can be, my sorry ass was being pummeled by a guy in a white tank-top.
He was your average 6’4, bald, green-eyed, beady nose, straight chin, big knees - probably smoked cigars(?) and had problems with the way his piss smelled. Looked like Babe Ruth with a Mr. Clean aftershave. Talked like he had bronchitis when he was a kid, and hit puberty right around the time he shot out of the womb. I kinda feel bad for the mother now.
He threw another shot at me, and I had to give my alcoholic mind a reason to vomit. The thought consisted of what he would look like without his beard, and it was god-awful. I ended up hawking a good amount of bile, then and there, saving my beautiful face from extinction due to his big-meaty-claws.
I wiped the excess dribble on my chin and looked up with a goofy-smile, my voice was wavering, and it made his pals groan in cringe,
“C’mon man… Over a pack of cards?”
The guy who was kicking the shit out of me growled, obviously not caring that I was going to be visited by the tooth fairy tonight,
“Dumbass!”
Up-Up and Awwwaaayyyyyy - And then I was seeing stars.
Not the, Dancing Stars, but the kind of stars you'd look up and see on a clear night. Which meant, HA, I was on meh bum.... again.
My lip was flaming now, and the back of my head hurt like you wouldn't believe.
I groaned with a chuckle, and tried speaking. But it seemed that the punch he gave me knocked the wind outta of the area that contained breathing parts, and put me in a haze so that my eyesight was discombobulated. It also explained why he appeared in my vision, and proceeded to frisk me, my wallet doing a magic trick into his pocket.
His buddies all gave their thoughts like,
“Duke, come on… You showed him-”
Or, “That's uncalled for man.”
I would've agreed, but I was too busy counting two missing molars, and trying not to breathe with my nose. I could taste iron, and it was not in a good way.
Duke or whatever his name was, stood and gazed at his compadre's,
“Shut up, Miles - he cheated!! Uncalled for doesn't even begin to what I want to do with him.”
Oh so he actually wanted more! I mean, let me bend over and produce my goddamn social security then. You have to go ahead, steal my stuff, and then proceed to kick me while I'm down.
Literally. He kicked me while I was down, and then he walked off. The other four he was with departed after he did, two of whom stayed back to help me up.
I of course was on the verge of unconsciousness, so that meant I wasn't able to answer any of their questions. So they left me propped against a dumpster with my mouth open, and a cup next to me for people to drop change in.
Today, was honestly not one of my days. Bad luck strain after bad luck main. My girlfriend breaks up with me out of the blue, I find out that drinking doesn't solve problems, then this? Sometimes I think that offing myself wouldn't be such a bad idea…
Then again, I have to remember how many people it would hurt.
Let's start over though. Most of the time in a story such as mine, it's imperative that the narrator describes me. Cue the narrator.
My name is Devin, born in… 1947. Fuck that rhymed.
Since last names aren’t a formality, I shan’t give you one because I am a bastard like that. I got brown eyes, and I'm about the height of your average Joe. Recently graduated college with a degree in Arts… which is good
But I can't seem to find a good job. As of late, I've lost my girlfriend, my apartment, and recently; I just lost my fucking wallet.
There are some good things about me, like how I can now whistle through my teeth! Or was it my nose? Hard to tell right now. Like I mentioned, I graduated from college? Yay?? My main job was traveling with this upcoming band called, “Stitches to Riches’. And I uh… Regret, much of it. I wanted to be the guitarist, as it is custom for me to apply for such a position, but for some reason, they wanted me to be their Hauler.
Which is basically the guy who hauls the band's stuff around states as they play. And they, were really good. The band was able to make it to such a renowned status that got them several covers. They weren't the next people you’d hear on the shortband, but they were damn near it.
It was like this for several years after college. I'd haul their crap around, get paid good money, and I'd get in free on some concerts. A simple transaction for the greater good. The concerts brought all sorts of people around, gathering in just one place. I met some interesting people, talked with a famous singer; Elton John, and even got the chance to meet the love of my life.
I'd date it back at least a year ago, of where I met Sarah Wilkinson.
Sarah, was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen - to date. The way she moved, how her body twisted and turned as though it were meant to do that, made me feel as though I was the unluckiest person alive. And at the time of seeing her during the lightshow, I knew that if I didn't ask her out, my life was over.
So that's what I did.
Sarah showed me the world through her eyes, and her heart. And eventually, it proved to be that I was swallowed in it. I loved her to the point of where I did a typical guy thing… Taking her out to a really fancy dinner, and it was there, that I was going to marry this woman.
I had planned for a waiter to bring us a pair of drinks with her ring in one of them. It was set too, where we were eating, so that we had the perfect spot outside. And the day we were on, had a full moon.
Calculated.
The plan was so foolproof, that Sarah had no idea what was about to hit her. And… like expected, It hit her really hard.
We went out, ate our lunch, did a Lady and the Tramp spaghetti eat off. We laughed, shared some jokes - it was like meeting her for the second time. I felt so nostalgic for the entirety of the dinner. So then that moment came around. The waiter appeared with our drinks.
I can tell you that proposing to someone, is no joke. It's like a two way tie between a life full of adventure roads, and a cliff to instant depression. So I did what a savvy motherhumper would do, and wooed her to the point of where I could ask,
“Sarah… Please, make me the happiest man alive -”
Which is how it went. But, and this is where I always find time to throw things around, when I said that, Sarah decided to stop me in the middle of it. She put a hand on my shoulder, with a look in her eyes that spoke a thousand words.
I didn't know it at the time, but she had been seeing somebody else for about three months. During that three months, they fucked, and got together to the point of where there was an awkward tension between leaving me softly, or telling me hard.
And she told me pretty harshly…
I ate alone that night. Thus the next day, she calls and tells me that my stuff is out of her apartment, and that we've been broken apart.
AND SO - Depression cliff led me to a pub nearby called, The Broken Handle. Really messed up joint, I'd advise you not to drink here, shitty drinks anyway. Here, today, I decided to play poker intoxicated.
Ever try to do that? Play a gambling game drunk?
OH-HO-HO, YOU'LL HAVE ONE HELLUVA POKER FACE.
However, you lie your ass off, and it puts you where I am. Unconscious outside, propped against a trashcan. Oh yeah, and to add a more descriptive picture, under a flashing lamplight.
So this is me. The retard, the failure, and the unlucky. A triple whammy that describes my life in eleven syllables. In truths, I wouldn't be telling anyone this if I didn't have anything special to tell. But I do.
-O.o.O.o.O-
To skip ahead, and make a short story longer, I woke up the next morning to someone roughly tapping my face. Thinking it was the guy who had shot JFK, I rose up from my grave, FULLY SMITING THE AIR WITH DUKES OF HAZZARD.
“EN GARDÉ.” I said vehemently, trying to retain balance, and failing to do so within a span of several seconds. My uneven and rather dumb self face planted the brick wall surrounding the pub, and slid down to the ground with a now, new and improved, headache.
It was obviously funny to someone, as the sound of laughter reached my ears. I mean, above the roar of the several Fords that passed the building, and outside the alleyway, It was an aesthetically pleasing sound to hear.
I held my head and tried looking without moving it. The sun was bright today, oddly enough, even more so than usual. Normally the day would be tossed aside when a front of clouds came through. Huh… At least I was in the shade.
Well wait, no, that's a shadow. Once I could focus, there, right in front of me, was one seriously mind boggling woman. I mean, I don't want to say that she looked weird or nothing. But, there was something that gave me a good kind of chills.
She was slightly smaller than me, a perfect mixture of god, DAMN - Her hair was a beautiful, fiery blonde, and she was wearing a pink skirt, and a white pair of - HOO BOY, shoes. Gotcha there didn't I?
Her fashion sense was on point, as it brought out the bright turquoise in her eyes.
She was kneeling, and had a hand curled on her mouth,
“Are you alright?”
I scratched my head and tried being smooth, “Yeah, now that I've seen you.”
Oh SWEET JEBUS, I'm a fox. Rolling her eyes, the girl who looked to be about my age stood and laughed, extending a hand to try and help me up,
“You scared me there, what with your head looking like a watermelon and the whole area - a warzone.”
I touched the part of my head that felt inflamed and groaned when I felt how lumped it was, then looked behind me to witness a grotesque amount of dried blood,
“Good heavens… Sorry.” I took her extended appendage, careful not to fall again and was surprised at how easily she lifted me to her.
Her skin was as soft as butter… And from being in such a close proximity, (1 foot away to be exact), she smelled of flowers. A peculiar smell you would never smell…
I ended up getting lost in my thoughts as I stared at her features more. It wasn't perverted (although I did look for something other than her face), as I tried brushing my suit off here and there whilst looking back at her occasionally. She did the same, but combed through her hair to make sure it was in a good condition.
Sarah, my ex, depression, knew that I liked it when she wore her hair in a ponytail, and this girl set that off with a 10/10… I mean, it's the new fad for the 60’s, along with a new cellular device that has been made by some newer company out in… Denver?
Bah, anyway. I bent down slowly to pick up my hat, a black fedora, because when I got my ass punched out, I seemed to have dropped it.
Oops.
The girl coughed, gaining my attention as I dusted the head apparel off,
“So why were you on the green box?”
I blinked, “You mean the dumpster?” Still got it. Head's swimming a mile a minute, and I can still remember what a dumpster is called.
She shrugged, “I suppose.”
I rubbed the hurting spot on my head and chuckled, “I got in a fight.”
The woman nodded, “Yeah, I guess that explains the blood. Did you uh… Did ya win?”
I deadpanned, “No.”
She scratched her chin, “Ah, well that's awkward.”
But with zest, I placated her with a gesture of hands up, “Oh you would see the other guy though! Was a total knockout.”
Pfft, I'm sorry… it's just… I like puns. And thankfully, she did too. Because this girl, laughed along with me. Her laugh reminded me of those sleigh bells you would hear around Christmas time!
But out of all of her noughts what was it that seemed so… Different about her? I mean, for some reason, I'm feeling all giddy, but that might be because I'm about to puke out a bunch of beer and bullshit. What is it that is making me feel as though something is strange about this girl?
Her smile was contagious, and her make-up wasn't so heavy as the random strangers that would flaunt themselves...
Maybe it's because I don't know her name?
“Devin.” I said with a grin, trying to feign that I wasn't actually dying on the inside. The girl jumped slightly, which was a bob on her heels, and a light in her eyes that marked her to speak in that sleigh like voice,
“Oh, what a peculiar name.”
I laughed, “Mom and Pa weren't trying to go for something amazing there darlin’.”
This girl took in stride, blushing as she did that hand on the corner of her mouth action,
“I see. Well in that case, it is custom for me to tell you my name.” She smiled,
“Solar.”
Woah. It's one of those things that you just never expect. Once she said her name, it was like she glowed for that moment. I mean, I could be wrong, but it's how you present yourself, a first impression, that sticks with someone forever.
“In all my years, I've never heard such a beautiful name.” Nobody likes a suck-up, but I'm willing to suck it up to her - innuendo - if it means she'll talk to me longer.
Solar gave me an award winning wink, “Get to know me better then.”
Oh my god, she is just way above my level… I've tried, honestly tried, to flaunt my suave, but she just ups me with a seven syllable sentence? It makes me sad to know that I am living right now.
“You are something else. Remind me not to get in an argument with you Solar, as I'm pretty sure I would lose.”
Solar tapped her chin, “Hmm… I've been known to give pretty good arguments…”
Ah - So she must be like… A lawyer then. It would explain her outfit. She looks like the kinda person that'd defend a ca- GAHH. FUCKING HEADACHE.
Nausea flashed its lights, throwing my whole being in for a loop that was like going in a tunnel filled with ungodly amounts of pressure. Brain felt like it had been thrown in the deep end of the pool and then sucked into the drain.
I once knew a lawyer, he was a pretty good guy; albeit a smartass.
“You a lawyer?”
Solar turned from fiddling with her hair and smiled, “In a sense. Some see me as a Judge, Jury and Executioner type deal.”
I chuckled, “But it's not?”
Solar frowned, but kept a humorous tone, “Nah. It's more of a, I care for you and at the same time, don't.”
I laughed, “Sounds like my Dad.”
And then, for some reason, she was laughing along with me. Which was a tad bit weird, but otherwise, a nice thing to hear.
It is also weird that I haven't-
“Oh lord- Hold on please.” I turned back to the dumpster, feeling that horrid feeling in the bare pit of your stomach seconds before you upchuck. Much better, less gas in my tummy. I put a good load of bile in the damn container before turning back to Solar,
“Sorry… God my head hurts…” I said while putting my hand on my head.
“Are you going to be okay?”
I laughed, the noise sounds hollow, “Honestly? I don't know.”
Where was I going to go after Solar left? A sudden question that just poofed itself in my brain mere seconds after realizing that the only house I lived in before I got piss drunk was Sarah's… Which made me drop a few pounds in stomach acid.
The headache that got to me, made deciding where I was going ten times worse. There was my van, that was technically the band's property… And then of course going into a nearby cardboard box, and crying my ass to sleep.
Sighing, I looked at Solar and tried smiling, “Well, Solar, It was a pleasure, and sure as hell a shame, but I have to leave.”
My feet wobbly held me up as I walked away. I tucked my hat under an armpit and hummed a tune to myself as I looked both ways. Crossroads, even if they were just two ways, always make me dread both outcomes. If I go right, I will eventually find myself wandering the town.
But if I go left, then I also risk the chance of running into an ex who has all of my personal belongings.
Decisions, Decisions…
“I… I could offer you a place rest, if you don't have one?” Came that beautiful voice down the way.
See, this is another thing I hate about crossroads. There is always, always, another path that you can take. I didn't have to go left, nor did I have to go right. Now, there was a third choice. And I hate to say it, but if you suddenly meet a smoking chick and don't want to follow her, then there is a problem in your testosterone levels.
That was me. Why she even wanted to say it, made me question her efforts and esteem. The throbbing in my head made me groan again, le sigh, and I clutched it as though it were something that I had weighing heavily on me.
Which it was, because it is the spot of where Dick decided to two step me. The damn bump still hurt, even worse now that my stomach was empty and devoid of juices to upheave. I'm surprised I haven't passed out yet. Had a conversation… Met someone new -
Oh there it is. That one big wave of headache that can just overcome you - I just, fell on my tush.
Immediately, Solar came to aid, thank you, you sweet, sweet woman…., and sighed; looking me up and down,
“If I'm not mistaken, you might be dehydrated.”
I snickered, “That's an understatement. I've been drinking all night, which constitutes more than a - might.”
Solar grumbled, “Okay fine. You are a lot dehydrated.”
“Mmmmm, not proper English.”
She thumped me on my shoulder in response, and yet again, helped me to my feet. This was not how I planned my morning!! I honestly planned on going into the nearest motel, and barfing on their red-carpet!
Now I have a god sent girl, who is being the most helpful person I have ever met. Oh, and now I don't have a choice of whether or not if I am going with Solar.
“You're coming to my place for a bit. No buts.”
I giggled, “Don't make me become childish Solar.”
She sighed, “Fair enough. I set myself up for that one.”
I love this girl.
O.o.O.o.O
She dragged my sorry ass for a while, she did. Took me through little shortcuts, and past crowds of people, who, in turn, stopped to watch as I was carried away by an angel~. Some dudes glared at me from the distance, and when Solar wasn't paying attention, I'd stick my tongue out at them to increase their jealousy.
I about near got into a fight again because of how deniably awesome I was being.
Now before you go and get all mad about how Solar was doing most of the work, first remember, she told me to follow her - or die - and because of how I was having a somewhat okay hangover, I had a chance to play around with the surroundings.
Which included those people whom I was sticking my tongue at. They didn't like the way I was making faces at them, I didn't really care all that much, thus the forethought was to punch me in the throat.
I could like, feel the hate coming off the males in waves.
“Stop sticking your tongue out Devin.”
Alright, so I got carried away. Literally. She jostled me in her shoulder carry. I gasped as another group of Jocks stomped away angrily,
“Nosey much?! Good heavens, I was trying to have a polite conversation with the onlookers!”
Solar stepped with me up a couple of brick stones. She had taken the scenic route in the park as a detour because of how hard it was to walk with me in crowds. Although fun, I couldn't stop myself from becoming a human ragdoll as people pushed past us.
With a flip of her fiery blonde hair, I spat out a couple of strands, “Ugh! Is that your way of ignoring me?”
Solar giggled, “This walk is becoming more and more tiresome.” She stopped and looked me dead in the eye, “I wonder what would happen if I left you near the fountain?”
I gulped, seeing as how she was indeedly scary when serious, “Ma'am, I would most likely die a horrible death that involves a lot of flailing and drowning.”
“Which would come first?”
I blinked and tried not to show that she was quite literally making this argument her win, “Most likely the drowning. Not a very good swimmer.”
Solar smiled, weaving past a group who were swarming a hot-dog stand, “Neither am I. Been more of a, lay on the beach and watch.”
“Really?” I said surprised, “Out of all the people it could've been, you just watch?”
Solar turned her head, “Does that upset you?”
I shrugged, “No. You just seem like a person who'd be splashing around, having a good time.”
“And what about you?” Solar said as we passed under a pair of gates.
“Me?” I asked with a gesture of putting a hand on my chest, “I don't go to beaches.”
Solar chuckled, “Yeah, you look like the kind of guy who would drown and flail around a lot.”
I nodded, “Which is true! But, ease up on the jokes.” I touched my heart, “My pride is still broken from my ass being tossed around last night.”
“Which begs me to question of how you got into a fight in the first place!” Solar said with a raised brow.
Wow, she actually looks concerned. So I used a bit of poshness,
“Doth the lady care, and yet at the same time, not - only to gain more ground?”
Solar straightened, “We do appreciate thyself in a way a stranger would care for the poor,”
I flatbrowed, “So now I'm poor.”
“No, you are richness impaired.”
“And so,” I began, unwillingly dragged into the depths of a neighborhood that was unknown to me, “You insult me using your highly intelligent self, which leads to…”
...Possibly the richest place in this town? What the hell? I forgot to mention that once you leave the park, you go into the fanciest neighborhood. After that, you actually will be in the main section of town. But Solar took the trip into this place, and smiled,
“Almost there.”
I shouldn't have been surprised honestly! She probably makes more money than I do in weeks. My eyes deceived me as I glanced around, Mansion after Mansion, barred gates and trimmed hedges all faced me. It was like reading one of those really exciting home purchase manuals. Except it was in front of me.
And it still looked like it costed way too much.
There were people playing golf in their own private spot, some were swimming in bikini's and various Speedo’s - which is another fad that has coming up lately… Personally I don't see the relevance in showing m’ dick to everyone.
Just my two sense.
Some people were trimming their gardens, and even walking their dogs. We passed by a woman and her white poodle who glanced at us with a growl. One look from Solar though and heh… the dog whimpered.
Lil’ bi-
“Devin, I want you to do what I say, when I say it.” Solar said as she ushered me onto a brick wall.
Blinking, I caught my breath, and leaned on my knees, “Alright. But you do realize I have to ask why, though. Right?”
Solar nodded as she beckoned me to follow her into one of the mansion paths, “Indeed. Hopefully you'll understand that this will involve my fiancé.”
I choked on my spit, “F-F-F-F-FIANCE?!!” GOOD LORD. I WAS JUST WARMING UP TO HER AND SHE HITS ME WITH A FRIENDING ZONE ALREADY?
I swear man. Women.
“Yes, silly, Rook. He's a bit of an oddball. But I think you'll like him.”
I chuckled nervously, as I slowly made my way with her, “Well excuse me if I don't sound enthusiastic, but what will Rook think about another male coming into his vicinity?”
Solar stopped midway from the gate and the door, “...I honestly hadn't thought of that.”
“Well I have. It's going to be one of those stupid moments that you'd find on T.V, in where my ass is kicked.”
“Be positive.” She said.
I did my best to nod, “Okay. He will lightly apply a band-aid to my bruised ass, after he is done kicking it.” And with that, I ended up following her anyway into the damn house.
The exterior, was glorious, having perfectly cut grass, a fountain (of all things) and a garage on the side that held a few vehicles of interest. I could go on in details, like how her lawn looked like it would win first prize in a decor contest, but when I stepped inside, my brain had a holy Jesus moment.
Outside decor has a certain tamed nature feel to it, whilst the inside can show off a more monetary value. Immediately when you step in through the big door Scrooge McDuck would gape at, you'll find an awe-inspiring chandelier, laced with what seemed to be glittering diamonds.
A soft light poured from above it, and made little rainbows dance everywhere. There was a second and third floor, judging from the staircase, and the downstairs looked rather warm. A maid awaited us at the foot of the stairs, and bowed when Solar stepped in,
“Good Morning your highness, did you have a good stroll?”
I chuckled, “Oh, so we're Royalty now?”
Solar all but rolled her crisp turquoise eyes, “Stop. Ripple, this is Devin. He is our guest, and is to be treated as such.”
“You shall refer to me as Sir Reginald.” Honestly couldn't keep a straight face after saying that, it made Solar thump me on the shoulder for a second time.
Ripple, who was a rather pretty maid, awkward to say in the least, nodded - her red hair gently swaying as she did so. Huh… Red hair. That's a step up! I have green hair, which was a result of accidentally taking a dare to dip my head in a paint can.
Turns out, paint is very stainable.
Solar was able to help me over to a couch, of and which I insisted that I could sit down by myself. I had to slowly put myself down, and try to sit up straight. But with how far we walked, and with what I did to other persons unknown, the weight of everything caught up with me, and I ended up slouching on the… couch.
-ing.
Ripple came to my stalwart aid immediately, taking a towel to the forehead, and a cup of some innocuous liquid to my hand. She gestured me to sip at it, and I all but gave her a disapproving glare.
See, I had done all the drinking I could the night before. I saw no delicate reason to be drinking now. And for your information, it was called depression drinking, not to many people do it, because of how it leads to other horrible things, such as suicide!
Which is… Depressing.
“Your future husband is to be here in less than ten minutes, Mistress Solar.”
Jeezums… Sounds a little forced. Ripple glanced back at Solar to see her biting her thumb nail in anxiousness. Peh, I was puckering my keister in horror at what could happen here in mere minutes.
Why did I even - oh yeah… I have nowhere to go so this was only option… Right, right.
“Alright, thank you Ripple, you are dismissed. Go have some fun while you still can.”
Ripple let out a soft sigh, and bowed. She took her leave after squeezing Solar’s hand gently. I watched from the couch with a smile,
“I'm guessing you and Ripple have some history?”
Solar nodded, moving back and forth, “Quite. She and my family go way back Devin. It's amazing she still puts up with what I do.”
I chuckled, “Who wouldn't? You seem to be a sensible person.”
Solar cringed at the end, visibly, and ushered me quiet with a hand, “Easy on the compliments. Although true, Now isn't the time.”
“Is this about your husbo?” I asked after swirling the stuff in my cup.
Solar gave a brief nod, to which I patted the seat next to me, “No use in creating a hole in the floor. Take your shoes off and stay a while. I'll listen, if you wanna tell.”
Solar glanced at me, and when I thought she wouldn't take it, the bait that is; she decided the best action, and sat down next to me,
“I guess you're right… Might be my fault though if he gets a little angry.”
I raised a brow, which caused the rag on my forehead to go up as well, “Define, ‘a little’. Because even ‘a little’, could be ‘a lot’.”
“I know…” She said, using the back of her hand to wipe her brow, “He is really a nice guy…”
I questioned with a smirk, “Buuuuuuuuut?”
Solar sighed, “You are seriously the strangest stranger I have ever met.”
I bonked her nose lightly, “Topic change, very nice. Plus, I'm the coolest stranger. If it comes down to it, I’ll play the deaf card. Won't know what hit him. Besides, it's your fault I'm here.”
Solar gasped, “What did you expect me to do? Just leave you to be mugged? Or worse, choke on your own vomit?!”
I placated with both hands raised, “Jesus, concerned much? I was looking like I was a drunkard. Eventually, someone would've kicked me awake, because I was out in an alley.”
I patted my pocket for emphasis, “And for the info, I was already mugged before you found me.”
Solar harrumphed, which was a cute thing to see, as her cheeks puffed out, and her hair fell onto her face, “I wasn't just going to let you lay there…”
I sighed and decided to sip my drink, “I was propped against a trash can, Solar. There's a difference.”
“Oh here we go again with the trashcan.”
I chuckled in the cup, “As long as you're around, I'm never letting you live down.”
“And how long, pray tell, will that be?” Says Solar, who gives me a conceded brow.
I smiled, “When I am done with this wonderful cup of whatever the hell you just gave me.”
Solar let out a laugh and scooted into the couch. It allowed me a moment to collect my thoughts and try to see if I could move without screaming in pain. Still a bit loopy from yesterday's expunge, and it's gonna be a while before I'm back on my feet.
Lucky I'm still awake right now considering I just had my ass beaten. My hat came off after I felt throbbing coming from within, naturally, I tried touching it, and all naturally, a hiss escaped from my throat when I realized no touchy. I should've given it to him. Really should've. But I allowed my stupid self to get drunk for no reason.
“Devin, you do have somewhere to go right? I mean, surely you don't live off of pubs and trash cans.”
I laughed, “Yeah. I could, but I don't. Before yesterday, I lived with my girlfriend in the city over there.” I said, gesturing with my thumb,
“I could afford it, because I've been rolling with a band for years.”
Solar questioned, “Oh? What do you play?”
I smirked, “Ah, I don't do that kinda stuff. I was there as the guy who hauled them from state to state. If anything, I played a steering wheel. Was damn good at it too.”
Solar nodded, and allowed the room to get quiet. We were in the living space, which had a few pieces of furniture here and there, a fishtank in the corner, and windows for us to peer outside with. I mean, there was a hedge blocking the view, but hey. Still pretty dank.
“You have a girlfriend?”
I sighed, knowing she would ask, “Had. She and I broke up recently after I figured out that one of the band members was smooching her over while she and I had been dating.”
I took a sip of a drink, “Talk about encore…”
“Where is she now?”
I scratched my chin, “Don't actually know. Last I saw her, she was walking out of a place I picked out for her. Little date day. Nice time.”
Solar giggled, “You took her somewhere nice?”
I nodded, “Yes indeed. Had this whole little thing planned for her, was gonna give her this ri-”
Oh shit. Wait a minute. No. Nononononononono-
I patted my pockets suddenly, checking front, back and side for that one thing I had kept. When I didn't feel it, my hand went to the rag on my forehead, and I sighed as I brought it over my eyes,
“Fucker took my ring…”
Solar shuffled to look at me, “Ring?”
I nodded, “Proposal ring. It was connected to my wallet… Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand its gone.”
Solar bit her lip, “Well when you feel better, and I can tell you - you can go - you may leave. But until then, I will make sure that you live to see tomorrow.”
I blinked, Would I ever find someone this nice again? Sarah was great, but thinking back, I found her in a band concert, and she had been ogling the Lead Singer. Sure, it was nice, but I'm pretty confident she saw our relationship as Friend-Friend. And if I get to talking to someone again, I don't think I could take another rejection.
End up resolving my life at the end of a gun barrel if that's the case. Leaves less of a strain on one of our hearts.
Solar looked up at me with her bright eyes, and told me that I wasn't invading her life.
Looked sincere, was sincere, and by god almighty, felt sincere. But she was seeing someone. And normally, when someone sees someone else, said persons can't exactly be talking to much of a group when together.
That's called cheating.
And yet here she was, telling an absolute fucktard that he could kick off his shoes and stay awhile.
The invitation is so inviting…
But what about this mysterious one syllable Rook? Solar has hidden his existence until too late, which tells me that there could be something-something going on…
My senses heightened once I heard the all too familiar click and creak of an open door.
There's a line, of and which I will not cross. Most of the time, I've stuck within the limitation of it, and have been able to get away from certain scenarios. This line, is called the “Fuck Up” line.
The “Fuck Up” line is a very gracious line, as it does have a very broad spectrum of how you can fuck up. Like for example, I almost came close with a taxi driver’s Colt .45 the other day.
Like a good cereal commercial, I took a step back from the soon to be fuck up, and realized my mistake.
Another example, would be approaching a woman, or any other gender appropriately. If you cross the up,
You get fucked.
In all of my trivial honesty, I came up with that rule about seven years ago after high school.
I may or may not have had social relations with one of my teachers.
...she was pretty smokin’.
This moment, that I am in, being halfway from ripped apart by some guy I do not know, cannot be averted in any way possible.
Said man had just barged into his home and was most likely going to find me lapping up kudo points with his soon to be wed.
Totally not my fault by the way.
For one, if I move, I risk the verge of total blackout. This is because I do not feel well. Why?
The hangover.
Case in point, one step over fuck up.
Another point is that Solar had lost all composure as soon as her fiancé walked in and so she shoved me head over heels onto the floor.
As in, throwing me over to make sure I wasn't going to be seen.
My face planted the floor in a humorous wet smack, scarlet immediately flowing from opened wounds. It was liking biting a bullet, and the bullet breaks your teeth. I held my tongue and rolled over to try and hide better.
Although it was only a few meter fall, does not mean it hurt any less.
I was bleeding! Come on!! FEEL SORRY FOR ME YOU BASTARDS.
The drink concoction hadn't kicked in yet, thus the world started fading in and out of focus as sharp stabs of pain shot up my spine.
My head whipped up when Solar cleared her throat. She was waving me away as Rook entered, “Rook, what a pleasant surprise!”
The sound of heavy footsteps coalesced my fears into a new reality, “Yes, apologies, I had to come home fairly early. Apparently there is some trouble in our kingdom.”
I could actually hear Solar’s eyebrow raise, “Our kingdom?”
I scrambled away silently, backing myself into the kitchen as Rook started to circle the couch,
“Yes.” He said with a smile, “Not just mine, but ours to share.” He and Solar shared a brief kiss.
What the hell are they talking about Kingdom?
They broke away, Solar giving the tall fucker a frown, “It seems that you must be re-educated, darling, because as I told you before, I do not like it when you refer us like that.”
“Honey, please, we talked about this.”
Solar countered rather quickly, “Quite obviously, we did not talk enough.”
I peeked out from the corner of the kitchen’s island, trying to see just who this Rook fellow was.
Hoo-Boy, I am paddling down shit’s creek without an oar…
Rook towered over Solar by three heads. Meaning he was about the same height as the guy who brawled me into a stupor the other day. Meaning if he so much as breathes on me, I was dead.
And no I am not exaggerating.
He had dark long black hair which went down to his shoulders. He held Solar’s blue gaze with, icy green eyes. They shone as though they were emeralds. His skin was a lightly tanned, almost caramel.
Definitely above my level… asshole…
Ripple walked past me, eyeing me as she went. Obviously, she was very cautious about Rook finding me too..
“Ah, Ripple. What news do you bear for us today.” Said Rook suddenly, trying to change the topic.
“Sir, Madam, I have received word that you both are needed at this present time.” It was Ripple who handed a letter, no… a parchment to them, in which Solar snatched away.
Rook watched with barely contained snide as she read aloud, her voice slowly dying away,
“Dear Solaris, I apologize for the inconvenience, but due to faulty explanations and timeframes that have been shortened, you and Prince Rook…”
I chuckled quietly, “Prince?”
“...are hereby recalled to Equestria. Post haste.”
Solar sighed, “Rook, he added a smiley face.”
Rook shrugged pointlessly, “Some scribes can be humorous Solar.”
Solar groaned, “Aw… but why does it have to be that…”
It was apparent somebody didn't like a little, ‘get better’ emote.
Rook laughed, “Because, it is important. Otherwise there wouldn’t be a smiley face on it.”
I agree. Adding a smiley face normally signals that it is important. But what… where on earth was Equestria?
Rook turned and made his way into the kitchen.
I took fucking action,
He stopped to consider some options, “Solaris, you realize this is for the betterment of our species right?”
I could hear Solar give a sigh, “Yes, I do realize that.”
“Then what is with the hesitancy?”
I peeked out from behind the counter and raised a brow at her. She responded with a short chortle,
“I like it here.” She added whimsically, “There's this certain… ‘aura’ that we don't get back home.”
Rook frowned, but he too shared what seemed to be the same feeling, “Yes. I know what you mean. However - we have been called back.”
He shook his finger, “The note sounded important, and I might have an idea as to what is happening.”
“Besides, it said post h-” Rook stopped mid-sentence once he saw me huddled in the fetal position with one of his spoons at the ready.
For a while, he and I stared at one another. There wasn't much to say, as I one, was an intruder, and two - he was the alpha fucking male.
His eye twitched angrily, so I coughed,
“Would you believe me if I told you that I was your plumber.”
Not exactly a good shot at lying. But hell, I might be able to-
He responded, “That is a bold claim.”
I smiled, “But it's the truth.” My voice cracked at the end, making all of us wince.
Rook grunted, “Honey, I think we may have a human problem again. Fetch me Bloody Mary.”
My bowels were filling with fear and a whole lot of shit again as I tried guessing what that mysterious named item was. Being something called, Bloody Mary was obviously a weapon...
Solar gasped from somewhere behind him, “Why on this plain would you ever do such a thing??!”
Okay, now I'm thinking it's a bomb.
Rook gestured to me with a burly hand, “IT IS CODDLING OUR SILVERWARE DARLING. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!”
I chuckled, “I could leave?”
Rook pointed ferociously, “You aren’t in this.” He turned to continue speaking with Solar, but paused, you could practically hear the dial-up tone being thrown around the freakishly large head of his. Rook then took my spoon.
Bastard.
Solar cut him off, “You will not harm him.”
Rook’s eyes raised about two stories, “Him? Oh so you know it?”
Solar appeared in the kitchen, face stern, but hesitant to answer, “Yes. His name is Devin, and he indeed is our… plumber.”
I unclenched my ass slightly, Rook eyeing the both of us with a male territorial intent,
“Let us say, for just the moment, I believe you. Which I don't.” He then pointed at my face, “Answer me why he is bruised and bleeding.”
Solar paled a little bit, but I grunted out, “I was fixing a pipe, and it busted me upside the head a smidge.”
I smiled awkwardly, “No biggie.”
“This,” He said shaking my spoon, “Is a biggie. You overheard a royal decree, and under the law over you trespassing…”
His face grew grim, “You must be punished.”
I blinked, “What’re you going to do, hit me with the spoon?”
Solar and Ripple both sucked in breaths.
Rook brandished a sword out of nowhere. Like, out of absolutely nowhere. The thing was a good two arm spans, technically a longsword, it was gold, and he wielded it at head level as though it weighed nothing. He cocked his head back as though he were a vampire,
“Submit dearest Devin, or you shall die.”
He made me stand. Albeit my complaints, I gulped awkwardly as I grew cross eyed, seeing the blade touch my nose in a defined manner,
“I-I-I submit. My uh, a-actions have caused me to fo-forfeit, now uh…”
I lifted my hand and slowly pushed the sword away, “If I c-could be escorted off the premises, I shall n-never speak a word of this.”
Rook chortled almost defiantly, putting that golden sword into his imaginary sheathe, to which poofed from existence.
“I will escort you, plumber...” He clasped my shoulder, making me wince as be spoke the next few words,
“But not off the premises…”
O.o.O.o.O
Goddammit.
Rook held true to his promise. I am just glad that he didn’t resort to more severe measures. Like chopping my dick, head and or limbs off.
Uncomfortably, I add, he shoved me from his house, into his car, of and where Solar followed. She kept an eye on Rook, telling him from time to time that I had feelings too.
Mostly I kept my mouth shut tight.
Ripple stayed behind, but gave me some of the mixture for that drink in case anything happened.
After about 2 hours on the road, I began to get restless. Between all of us not saying anything, to what was going to happen made me panic even more so.
God... it was like getting into trouble with my parents again. The silence killed me. I wanted to argue with the fucker, seeing as how he had basically kidnapped me, but, and here is where my wrench comes into play -
He fucking poofed a sword on my nose.
Who in the hell does that? I mean, a sword? Couldn't it have been a… gun or something? Why a sword? Was he a magician? Was that magic? I love magic… magic is cool- WHERE DID IT GO?!?
Those thoughts were what were running my head as Rook drove me and Solar somewhere from the rich neighborhood. I was pale most of the trip. The reason, was because the only other male in the car had turned his rearview to look at me - the entire time.
He never let his eyes go from me. I don't even think he was paying attention to the road…
Solar spoke up somewhere along the drive, “Rook, is this really necessary? Seems like he might be telling the truth.”
“Yeah could I leave maybe?”
Rook shifted into third gear, speeding the car even faster, “Alright. He can leave. But I ain't stopping.”
I gulped and looked at the road, the tarmac glaring in the evening sun, “I'm uh… I'm okay.”
Another set of questions that keep coming up are the words, Prince, Equestria, and Solaris. Who, or what did those entail with these two? Exactly who am I dealing with here…
Could it be that Rook is royalty? Seems highly unlikely. We are in a certain area that despises a single person ruling over everyone else.
But why did the letter say Prince?
“Hey -” I said suddenly, catching Rook and Solar off guard, “If you'll allow me to ask… where are we going?”
I asked because Rook took an off road trail, leading us into a pair of woods. The driver responded gruffly, “You will see all in due time.”
Finally Rook took his eyes off me, which allowed Solar to turn. She had this look of sorrow, maybe anxiousness. But she clasped my hand and smiled, mouthing the word, “Sorry” as we approached a construction site.
I blinked, wiping my lip so that the excess dried blood wouldn't offend these poor sods. They all were walking to and from what looked like to be a tall building with multiple intersections.
A new mall maybe? I glanced around the exterior, to try and see what was being built. Only thing I could tell from the base was that these workers had been at it for a while.
Anyway, construction workers meant restrooms… and restrooms gave me an idea…
Rook put the gear back all the way, parking somewhere in front of the frame of the building,
His finger hovered just below the headrest, “Devin, you will not say anything, do anything, touch anything, breathe anything, for if you do I-”
“Can I use the restroom?” I said raising my finger.
Rook looked at me, lowering his brows so that he seemed serious. I met his gaze and said lowly,
“I need to take the Browns to the Superbowl compadré. I would rather do it in a Porta-John than onto your lap.”
He opened the car door, forcefully, hoping out to let out a growling sigh. Rook opened my side and grabbed me by the collar, “Use your, Porta-John.”
He threw me so that I stumbled. But I might as well have fallen,
“Thank’s… I might've broken a butt bone, but I'm okay.”
Rook and his muscular ass probably didn't care. He gave me an uninterested sniff and turned to converse with Solar.
Scratching my head I grumbled to myself, trying to spot that familiar blue square.
Funny… I couldn't find one. All I could see were people and wood. Lots of wood. In truth, I didn't actually need to use the restroom. It was just an excuse to dip from Rook and Solar altogether.
It's not Solar’s fault -
…
Okay maybe it is, but I'm not sticking around with a psychopath and his hostage. The hostage being (Solar).
So since I couldn't find a good spot to shit, I took a grown up decision, and walked ahead to stop one of the workers.
“Excuse me?”
This one guy carrying some sheet metal on his shoulder turned haphazardly making me have to strain myself to duck. It only caused a bigger headache.
“Yeah?” The man said in a southern drawl. I grunted out,
“I was looking for a restroom. Know where one is?”
He laughed, “Eeyup, there's one inside. I could show y-” He said stepping closer. Not that I didn't want to talk to him, it's just that the metal he was carrying bonked me on the side of the head as he came close. I could practically hear Rook snort…
“No-no… that's fine. I'll find it myself.”
I made sure to step back as he turned around to do his job. I looked back to Rook seeing how he had started walking over,
“Restroom is inside.”
Rook smiled, Solar stepping out from behind him obviously annoyed, “Well Howdy-Doody! That's where we are going.”
He slapped my back and grasped it tightly, “Come on. I change my mind on your restroom privilege. You can use it later.”
There was no argument there as Rook practically dragged me away.
Well that plan is fubberknucked…
O.o.O.o.O
He led me inside, making sure I was in front. I was so glad that I didn't have a headache, or feel much of that hangover anymore. Whatever Ripple had given me sure as hell did its job.
It felt like I was supposed to be freaking the hell out right now, but I was more calm than stressed. Plus, like said before, it helped me with my aches and pains.
Without it, I wouldn't be so cooperative right now.
“Okay fuck this.” I said turning to my captors as we walked through several dark and shady areas,
“Where the hell are you taking me.”
Solar frowned at Rook when he didn't answer, sending a sharp elbow into his rib when the silence continued.
“You are going to at least tell him right? Ingrams beard, he is going to be freaking out here pretty soon.”
That uh… doesn't help me any.
Rook grumbles something to himself, but shrugs. He grabs me and takes a sharp left through a doorway into a room by the likes of which I have never seen before.
First, the door was already in frame. That was weird because normally workers begin remodeling the inside after they finish the exterior and add in insulation. It was large, being a double door, Rook had to set me aside as he took both handles and pulled, opening them with a strain.
The floor was already built up with stone furnished with marks of circles and sharp triangles. This was not your average flooring either.
It was surrounded by literal moss and rocks all garnished with several mementos of some… culture. Whatever culture it may have been, they seemed to be represented by the main forethought in the room.
This weird circle, standing above Rook by at least two heads, stretched from at least an arm span, which could allow someone to squeeze through.
Blinking, I began to sweat at the sudden possible outcomes of this scenario.
What if I were a sacrifice…
For what though…
I was placed in front of the circle while Solar and Rook went to separate ends of the room.
Rook started after he stood opposite to me, “To answer your question, Devin, we are taking you back with us. Although I would prefer knocking you out and leaving you propped against a trashcan-”
I raised a finger, “Please don't.”
Rook continued, “I could feel that it has already happened.” He smiled deviously, “You aren't even a fucking plumber, am I right?”
I opened my mouth to say something, but Solar interrupted, “Fine. He's not a plumber. Personally I am surprised that you believed it for as long as you did.”
That shut him up.
“I didn't. It was absolutely a lie.”
“But you have to let this slide. Who exactly can he tell Rook?”
Rook looked at me sternly for a good while before he answered, “Plenty of these Earth-Dwellers, I imagine.” He turned to look at his faincé, “He suaved his way into our abode. If he can twist you, he can twist anyone.”
Since my plumber cover was blown, (Which was what… half a page?), I groaned, “Look, she helped me. That's it. My fault for being in this mess. Just… get on with whatever the hell you are going to do okay?”
I ranted for a bit to get the stress off my chest, “You are seriously the weirdest people I have ever met, and personally, the craziest too. Kidnapping, forced hostage, and now what?”
Both Rook and Solar looked at me with shocked looks. I laughed, “And… oh yeah! Hearing you two bitch makes me want to gouge my eyes out with spoons. So-” I said inhaling,
“Do your worst.”
I think Rook actually LIKED that.
Funny fact, he actually did the worst. Here's how.
See, since obviously this room isn't and was not built by the obese and rather dimwitted fuckers called the construction workers, I wondered who had actually made the room itself. Rather why was it being put inside a building all the way outside of the city?
The symbols and different etches around these stone covered walls made no sense in my mind. It was like they were from another world.
Ironic I should say that. Well, Rook slapped his hands together and we all paused. The silence that foretold absolutely nothing reverberated around the moist room. It was only when something clicked, from the middle of the crestpiece, did I realize what was going to happen.
A small light, almost completely transparent zapped itself in the middle of the circle. I actually couldn't believe it at first, but as seconds went by, it grew in size and colour. It was only when it had gathered a bright real glow, and had the radius of a beach ball, did Rook speak,
“Devin we aren't from this place. Plain and simple as that.”
I eyed the now what I assumed to be portal with a fear most foul, “Are you guys… aliens or some shit?”
Solar shook her head and leaned against the wall as Rook circled the room, “No. And yes. To you, we might seem that way, but imagine our perspective.” He pointed to the glowing and swirling pool of unknown,
“When we first came out of there, it was hell. But we adapted.” He smiled, “It's been like this for over two hundred years Devin.”
He made me back up slowly,
“And you single handedly messed all that work up in three hours.”
I nodded nonchalantly, “I'm guessing that's a record.”
In response, he planted his boot firmly on my chest and applied pressure - sending me hurtling into god knows what.
Have you taken a guess of where I am? Good for you, because to me, that not only hurts my feelings, but lets me know that there is something entirely bigger going on.
It's like you're waving a nice little kitten in my face and saying that it’s a frog. Clearly you know it’s a kitten. But why tell me it's a frog?
Commence the fourth wall break...
Currently, I was falling thousands of feet above ground, which, as my speed increased, grew ever so closer. It's nothing like the advertisements in parachuting. In fact, it's the exact opposite.
Normally you would think that someone like me would be screaming right about now.
No, trust me - I tried. But it seems that the faster and longer you fall, the less time you have to exhale that high pitched squeal. It's weird too. Like someone had tightened their hands around my throat and wouldn't let go.
Amongst the rapid degradation of height, I tried frantically flapping and flailing my limbs. This recreation of a majestic pigeon was lost to the clouds and wind. The grass was mere feet away, and to make it all worse, I was going to become pancaked on a tree stump.
Falling from heights, or even heights for that matter, wasn't that scary to me. Seeing as how I'd done several pratfalls in my lifetime - I hadn't dwelled on vertigo or tall places.
Coming face to face with it in such a sudden factor was a problem though. And honestly, who is to blame in this situation?
The thoughts that ran through my mind were: Rook, the heartless bastard. And out of all the things he could have done, I did not think he would do me in like this.
There were a thousand things he could have done. Ran me through with that weird magical sword, ditched me from the car going 100mph - snapped my neck, a curb stomp… the list goes on and on.
But to kick me through a fucking interdimensional butthole, and expect me to die like… this… this is one helluva wake up call.
The only good news about any of this, is I blacked out before anything else happened. One stomach lurch and it was pitch black as though someone had turned off all the lights.
Meaning, when I woke, or if that even happened, at least my torment would be ceased. Finally meant I could just lean back and let all of my fucked up memories corrode me into a different being.
O.o.O.o.O
But then, it is weird, knowing that you're dead. It's like closing a good book after a read. Except the book is your life. And by technical standards, my life is basically a pamphlet.
“Devin. Wake up - we brought you some food.” And that's what brought me to reality.
Oh for the love of... I knew angels were nice, but I die and that is the first thing they say to me? Very fucking enticing God, you have my attention.
Both of my eyes flutter open, shying away almost immediately after breaking contact with some bright light that cascaded onto my pupils. Dust particles floated around the expanse of white, moving about as though they were living beings.
When I was able to finally keep my peripherals open long enough, the most peculiar thing happened.
I came face to face, with a unicorn.
I know right? It's just, bam, there. No warnings, I didn't pass go…
There was just a living, breathing unicorn, staring me directly in the eyes. Granted, it took a moment to cock its head when I garbled out a nonsensical amount of what I assumed to be spanish.
After that scenario though, looking down, I saw that I had a plate on my lap, which was being supported by a red velvet blanket. Key to what was said earlier.
Unicorn angel brought me food.
The room I was in was relevant to that of some kind of master bedroom. The source of light, literally the only source, was streaming through the curtains on the right hand side of the room. An armoire standing lone behind this equine, and a dresser to the left of it occupied about a quarter of the room.
On that dresser lay a mirror with several items of decoration like towels and jewelry boxes.
I would go on and on about how glorious the setup was, but when a magical beast starts a verbal conversation with you, it's kinda hard not to say no.
“So, I uh - know you are confused… but Please, let me finish what I have to say before you faint again.”
That's really reassuring talking horse. I looked at the equine as it began to move it's lips in a similar English fashion,
“I doubt you know who I am, nor what is going on,” The horse put a hoof on my arm,
“But it's me. Solar.”
There was a sharp intake of breath as I started to quickly shit my pants. The more doctoral term is ‘hyperventilate’ but I like to up the cuss count to increase the levels of why.
It became so hard to believe it in fact, that my thoughts echoed, like,
No. No way. This… this is the opposite of what the fuck. This is fuck the what.
I planned on passing out again. Hoping that I would wake up from whatever was put in that tea. And that it’d fade away as I coaxed myself awake.
But the more I thought on that, Solar was there. Every time. My conclusion was that I was clinically insane. Can't be real. If it were real, I could punch mysel-
She wrapped her pony-esque limbs around my numb form, shushing me as though I were a child. Although comforting to an awe’d degree since I was being hugged by a mythical creature, it confirmed the pinch method since I could feel her squeeze me.
Which is… an uh-oh.
“Shhh- I'm so sorry, Devin I did not mean for this to happen to you- I just…”
As she tried to think of reasons of how to say sorry, she pulled away. One look said it all, amongst the beginnings of tears,
“I'm sorry.”
Whatever I had been doing, halted as she wiped away her emotions away.
Magically, I might add.
Like, With a tip of her horn, and two magic flicks, them teardrops were gone lickety split.
Though somehow she wasn't human, Solaris still had some amazing features - for a horse.
Keywoard, Horse, Equine and or Pony.
There were her icy blue eyes, the flaming hair, and as her coat, a light peach. She was a unicorn, magical in every sense. I just couldn't fucking believe, excuse the french, that a magnificent myth was actually sitting in the general vicinity.
That was like shaking Elton John's hand.
And then Elton John saying he was a vampire.
Would make sense since he is always wearing something to shield his eyes…
“Please tell me I'm dreaming.” I said, interrupting the rapid thinking process. My own voice betrayed me, cracking into multiple segments of true and false. This was either a damn fun dream, or an absolute nightmare.
“If only.” She replied, a small smile tugging at the edges of her snout. That dropped my mood by a lot.
I blinked forcefully and looked at the plate, “Let's uh…” I inhaled, trying to see what could be said to enhance the vocabular imatants of this conversation,
“Wow. What do I even say?”
Solar leaned back, “I could try to explain to you how you got here, if that helps.”
I had a motion as to the how, “Rook?”
Solar gestured haphazardly, “Yes. He forced you through our world, and you quite literally fell asleep about ten seconds after.”
I frowned. That just leaves the, why am I here.
“The rest is - complicated.” Solar said quietly almost answering my internal question.
I took note on how she glanced at the door every so often. Regardless, I inquired, “So...you're a.... unicorn?” I visibly gagged on that sentence, “How the hell can this be explained exactly?”
Because it's way more than just that. It's like somebody took my mind, and slammed it into the back of a garbage truck. Everything was so squished.
Solar leaned forward, “Honestly? I'm pretty pissed about this myself Devin. You aren't supposed to be here,”
She gestured to me, which didn't make me feel all nice inside, “Yet here you are.”
I huffed, shuffling awkwardly in my covers, “Thanks for the vote of confidence… it's not entirely my fa-”
Solar hushed me, “I KNOW.”
She breathed a little, “If it were possible, I would be trying to reverse what has been done. But because Rook is so absent minded, he has decided that you are to remain here with us.”
I gulped, “Us being?”
“Me, mainly. There are other ponies who will be at your aid when I am not available, but mostly it will be me who is keeping an eye on you.”
I sighed, “A unicorn warden. Very… odd.”
Odd isn't a good word. But I'm running out of brain matter to conjure up big words, because unicorn.
One question popped up though. And it was on how long I was going to be kept here, “So… you watching me all the time. Is that like a week sentence?”
Solar sighed, “More like a life sentence. Devin, I'm sorry to be dropping this all on you all of a sudden, but so many things have happened in a such a small amount of time.”
Well shit.
As the room grew silent, I tried to lighten the mood by cracking a joke, “Could be worse.” I said moving to scratch my head.
Only to find out I had no fingers.
Or a hand.
I had Hooves.
The situation is now all fucked up.
“Solar you have two seconds to tell me where my fap helpers have gone. Otherwise I will resort to verbally exclaiming that you're a bigot to your own race.”
Solar blinked, “Would you like the short story, or Long?”
“Abridged.” I said grimly.
And so Solaris weaved a fantastical tale about something that made no sense to me. It was like teaching a toddler calculus and a crash course in mind bending logic.
You see, before we continue with my misfortune, it just so happens that not only is Solar an equine. But I am too.
Testing your cringe levels aren't I?
I agree with my own sentiment because it's so goddamn… stupid, that I had to ask how it was even possible. Just how did I, human, become equine. The science alone hindered me from thinking of this impossibility.
Scholar Solar said that passing through the gateway into this place has the ever odd effect of ponification. Whereas in reverse, it is humanification.
Which isn't a word, so fuck you. Big words, small dick.
Regardless, it passed me as odd, of course, and even more so when I realized that if I was going to get my good ol’ fingers or little piggies back, I would have to go back through that gateway.
And until then, I was in an alien body. I hadn't noticed until now, but everything felt wrong. Your hands and feet felt like they had fallen asleep, and it was in that stage just before the blood started to rush to them.
Then of course you know how you can see your nose 24/7, but you never give it the benefit of the doubt?
Imagine slamming a plank of wood on your face. And having to move it around constantly.
I mean… I could smell stuff more clearly.
Just, don't get me started on my ears, or what was on my ass.
Alright?
Thankfully I could move my arms around, but like I said before, it felt so wrong. As Solaris continued to explain about how my condition was currently, horsed, I wiggled my limbs around, noticing how heavy my non-hand felt now.
Hitting my head with it confirmed that it was rather sturdy, and frankly, hurt the hell outta my noggin.
So not doing that again.
“Devin where you even listening?”
I sniffed, “No. I was forming bullet points about how much I hate your fiancé.”
“You can do that on a later note.”
My gaze drifted to the mystical unicorn, “Why not now? At this current second, I don't see hide nor hair of your boyfriend.”
As though on cue, the door that Solar had been previously staring at burst open, causing me to let out a high pitched scream, and pull the red velvet covers over myself.
Somebody strolled in with their ego as high as a blimp,
“My ears were burning. You two were talking about me, weren't you?”
Rook… if I was taller, smarter and faster, I would kick his muscular ass. But, due to my predicament, I was at a loss for action.
So since I knew what I knew, that meant Rook was too. Bars aside, when I finally did peek from the covers, the guy looked way more menacing as an actual person.
In his current state, Solar actually towered over him in terms of height. But he held that harsh green glare, still was muscular as fuck, although - his fur was an unnatural shade of blue. It reminded me of a dark gem. He kept his hair in a perfect swoosh, and at the current moment, he was wearing what I assumed to be battle armor.
No lie.
Jeez… Imma have an aneurysm here in a sec if I had to talk about colors anymore.
Fuck. I forgot about me in terms of coloring…
Eh. We'll get to that.
“Maybe” Said Solar with a smile, “We were discussing something, but it's hard to remember if it was about you.”
Rook stopped a few feet from the bed and breathed in, “Ooooh - still giving me the cold shoulder?” He laughed, “At least he still has his head, Solaris. If it had been up to me-”
Solar cut him off, “You keep up that arrogant attitude and it will never be your decision.
Well at least Solar is nice to me. I wouldn't be able to keep up with her arguments. To save my hide, I decided to shrug in agreement and slowly come out of my makeshift shelter.
Rook raised a brow, eyeing me with a predatory intent, “Hmm - anywho, how is he doing?”
Solar laughed, “He is right here. Why don't you ask him yourself?”
Yeah. You fucking lazy bastard.
“Mmm - fine. Devin, how goes your fortune this fine morning?” He said with all of the sarcasm he could muster. It almost sounded real if he didn't fixate those threatening glared in my general vicinity.
I responded in the most euphoric way possible, that being nonchalantly, “Well if you must insist, dearest kidnapper, I am not well. In fact I would say that if there were a term for what I am feeling, more than likely I would've already inscribed it on my gravestone.”
I sniffed and tried lifting the spoon to eat the meal placed in front of me, but I forgot that my hand was currently not a hand, and it didn't have any fingers either. So really all that happened was the sound of me pushing a spoon around the ceramic bowl contested the room.
And it was pretty annoying.
Trying to grab something without using thumbs is like… putting on 10 or 20 pairs of gloves. It may seem like a bit much, but try doing anything with your hands after that.
“Hate. Just one word, ‘hate’.” I raised my grey colored arm and pretended to read my tomb, “Here lies Devin, ponified, confused, and berated with questions. Died with the word, HATE, on his mind.”
Rook gave a nod, “Not what I would have put on your grave, but close enough.”
“It's a start. I'd rather it be me who says mine own closing words, rather than somebody who I barely met.” I say with a sigh. I wanted to rub the bridge of nose, but I didn't have a nose, or fingers.
Rook smiled and began pacing around the bed, the hardness of his hooves slapped the wooden floor with a sharp, clop.
“Well, Solar has gone over the prerequisites of your stay, correct?”
I frowned, but nodded, “More or less.”
Rook raised a brow, “Which is it? More, or less?”
You know… if I didn't know any better, and if I were in his shoes, I would be doing exactly what Rook is doing. Trying to annoy me, that is.
“Less.” I said, gritting my enlarged molars.
Rook let out a small noise of confusion, “Oh… let me explain it further then.” He cleared his throat, standing at the at the end of the bed with a stern facial expression,
“This is not Earth, human. And as such it being, there are different accommodations you must get used to. These include language, currency, and introductions to yet another foreigner to the royalty spread across our land.”
Everytime he introduced another topic, he patted the blanket harder. The total amount, was 26 things I had to do. By the end of it, he looked like the tapes of Hitler, making a point about something that would get his followers killed
Lucky for me, I wasn't his follower.
“That's uh… a mouthful.” I said after he gave me the floor.
“I'm more concerned about when you're letting me go.”
Solar breathed out, doing a closely related action to rubbing your eyes.
Rook chuckled and shook his head, “I could never understand why your species were so lethargic.”
“Maybe it's because… oh I don't know…” I say up and three my arms out,
“WHO GETS KIDNAPPED BY DISGUISED HORSES?” When nobody said anything, I laughed,
“That's right! No one.” It just so happens though, that I get caught by a retarded Prince, after trying my hardest not to reel in panic.
Rook smirked, “You did. And - honestly - you are probably the only one.”
I had enough by that point, and it hit a nerve, hearing his snarky voice. So I tossed an insult,
“Alright, first off, fuck you. Why don't you do me a solid, and dunk your head in a bucket of piss. I really don't need your added trepidation.” I raised an eyebrow to add the effect of me not giving a flying fuck to his response.
Next time remember that although you are in a bad situation, don't backtalk a prince.
Rook whipped something out, I don't know what, guess I never will, and slammed said thing across my left cheek. My non-hands were at the stinging wound in less than a second. Though fingerless, I rubbed the spot as Rook snarled,
“Mind your tongue, Devin, or next time you speak out of line, I will tear it out.”
Solar didn't intervene. Either out of fear, or just to be there as a witness for my trip to Valhalla. He didn't say much after he sheathed his imaginary item, only bidding farewell to Solar and giving me a look of anger.
When he shut that door though, I chuckled and looked at the unicorn sitting at the edge of the bed,
“He didn't slap me with his dick did he?”
She sighed, “Devin…”
“Cus’ that was pathetic. I mean, did you even see the leng-”
Solar stopped me, by turning her head sharply. Then she commenced a stare that could freeze hell over.
It shut me up.
“We really need to work on your social skills.”
I shrugged, “I need to work on waking up.”
“Good luck with that.” Solar said with a chuckle.
“Thanks to you, I'm going to have to see if I can calm our prince down. You should see to it that you accommodate yourself to basic motor functions. I'll be back shortly.”
I sputtered as Solar hopped off the bed. She landed daintally on the ground, trotting over to the door as though she wasn't clearly forgetting someone.
“Well hold on now, aren't you going to at least help me?”
Solar opened the door somehow without lifting any of her limbs, which worried me a little,
“Nah, you're a big boy Devin.” And she left without another word. The door slamming shut made me jump a tad, rattling the platter my food was on.
Looking at it, I hoped it wasn't growing cold. Then again, there was the fact that I hadn't asked how long I had been out.
