Girls are Weird
The human entered the foyer of Twilight’s castle so he could return a book he had borrowed from the library. There he saw Spike, who was sitting on the floor and flipping through a comic book.
Spike put his book down when he saw him.
“Hey, Spike,” said the human
“What’s up?” said Spike.
“I got a book here that I wanted to return,” he said. “Where’s Twilight?”
“She and the girls are in the throne room,” said Spike. “But I wouldn’t go in there if I was you.”
“Why’s that?”
“They’re having some kind of girl talk session in there or something.”
A sharp barb of the mane six’s collected laughter flew in from the other room and pierced high the inside of Spike’s ear.
Spike, rubbing his head, said:
“They’ve been cackling like that for over an hour.”
“I think I can handle it,” said the human.
“Suit yourself, dude,” said Spike. “But I wouldn’t go in there. Girls can be weird when they all get together like that.”
“Nah. They’re just different from us. That’s all.”
‘After all,’ thought the human, ‘how bad could this girl talk possibly be?’
Meanwhile in the throne room, the general moods among the girls were merry and playful.
“I was not the first one of us to fart loud enough for everypony to hear since we’ve all known each other,” Applejack said firmly.
“You totally were, though,” Rainbow insisted. “Don’t you remember when we were all cleaning up town hall after the parasprite invasion, and you bent over to pick up that—”
“But Pinkie farted before any of that happened,” Applejack said. “Don’t you remember that day when we were all playing Twister?”
“That couldn’t have been me, though,” Pinkie said. “I never fart in front of a friend until after I’ve known them for three weeks.”
“Why three weeks?” Fluttershy asked.
“That’s just the right time,” Pinkie said with a shrug. “I’m sure there’s a sociological reason for it.”
They all turned to Twilight, who in response asked them not to look to her for answers of that nature.
“So it couldn’t have been me,” Pinkie said. “When we all first played Twister, we’d only known each other for two weeks and one day.”
“Just admit it, Applejack,” Rainbow said. “I asked which one of us was the first one that was heard farting, and it was totally you!”
“All right, fine,” Applejack said. “I’m the farter.”
The whole table began laughing while Applejack pulled down on her hat so she could hide the red on her face.
Rarity patted her on the shoulder and said sympathetically:
“It was only a little toot, darling.”
The girls had been gossiping, telling jokes and playing the kind of confessional games with each other that often resulted in embarrassing confessions and displays for all that were involved. But they had been having too much fun for any embarrassment or hurt feelings to afflict them; they were too good of friends.
“Okay,” said Pinkie, who could barely contain her laughter by blocking her excited mouth with her hooves.
She looked eagerly around the throne room at the happy, anticipatory faces of her friends.
“Which one of”—she had a small and snorty giggle fit, so hard it was for her to stay straight!
“Okay, okay, I’m ready,” she said, calming down.
“Spit it out then,” Rainbow said. “You’ve got us on edge here.”
Pinkie now took reign of her happy outburst and, looking round the room, let the silence age until it was ripe for her tongue.
Then, smiling, she said:
“Which one of us—”her chest was filled with laughter and set to burst“—would probably be a rapist!”
She laughed so hard that she closed her eyes and fell forward.
Then she looked eagerly around the throne room at the wary, confused faces of her friends.
“What?” she asked, feeling unsettled. “What is it?”
“Pinkie, don’t you think that question is kind of . . .” but Twilight, for once, was at a loss for the right word.
“I didn’t ask the question out of meanness,” Pinkie said. “I know none of us would ever really hurt anypony. That’s why I said ‘probably be a rapist’.”
There was a reflective silence.
Then, Applejack said:
“I think Pinkie means it in a way like—well, you all know ‘bout Sadie Hawkins day, right?”
They all nodded.
“Right,” she said. “Well, that’s the day when mares ask out stallions, instead of the other way around. And believe me, I’ve seen some mares that really go hog wild on that day.”
“Yeah!” Pinkie said. “Exactly! Boy crazy, everypony.”
Everyone in the room made a collective “Oh, okay then” expression.
Then, Rainbow said:
“Well, if we’re talking about that, then we can probably all agree that Rarity would totally be the rapist”
Rainbow smiled superiorly at Rarity, whose eyes were popping out of her skull.
“What!” she said, turning on Dash. “That’s not true at all.”
“Well, you probably are the most boy crazy one of us,” Rainbow said with a shrug.
“I simply enjoy a certain amount of attention from the opposite gender,” Rarity said.
Then, with a forming smile, she said:
“Rainbow Dash, did you know that the individual most likely to rape is one that lacks the faculties necessary to control one’s own impulses?”
Rainbow Dash blinked.
“Uh, no, I didn’t,” Rainbow said. “But wait, why would I know that?
Then a jolt of realization tumbled, like a clumsy pegasus learning to fly, right into Rainbow Dash. And Rarity had been casually examining the fine tips of her front hooves, waiting, along with the others, for this to happen.
Rainbow lowered her brow and, leaning forward, said:
“Hey, just what are you trying to say here?”
Pinkie Pie and Applejack started to chuckle, and thus brought, too, the wrath of the Rainbow upon them.
“She’s kind of got a point, Rainbow,” Applejack said. “You ain’t really known for your patience, or for thinking things through before doing them.”
“Yeah,” said Pinkie. “And talk about faculties. I mean, so far you did only blow up the weather faculty. But that was still a bit of a doozy, even today.”
“And there was the time when you kicked that dragon,” Twilight said. “But luckily, Fluttershy was there.”
“Oh, I’m just glad that we all didn’t die,” Fluttershy said with a blush.
There was a happy, collective titter around the room at these reminiscences.
Rainbow, deciding to trust in her friends’ good nature and take these comments in stride, checked her angered ego, and, slumping down in her throne, said:
“Whatever, you guys. All I know is that, if I was a rapist, I’d be the most awesome rapist ever.”
No one lost their smiles. But Rainbow, who saw that Twilight had rolled her eyes at her comment, said:
“Well, how ‘bout it, Twi?”
“What?” Twilight said.
Then, scrunching her muzzle (a reaction Rainbow was waiting for), she said:
“Oh, uh, I don’t think I have an answer. To accuse anypony, even one of your closest friends, of being a rapist, well that’s—”
“You were my second choice,” Rainbow said.
“What! Why?” Twilight leaned forward. “You think I’d be a rapist?”
“You’d be proud of me, Twilight,” Rainbow said. “I made a list. I’ve got us listed, as rapists, in this order: Rarity, you, Applejack, Pinkie, and then Fluttershy.”
The others mentally scrutinized their placements on Dash’s list.
“But why am I so high?” Twilight asked.
Dash shrugged.
“I figure that, out of all of us, except maybe for Pinkie, you’d be the one of us most likely to go rape crazy on a stallion if things didn’t go your way.”
Twilight blinked in bewilderment.
“I would not go rape crazy,” Twilight said. “I don’t even know what that is. In fact, that isn’t even a thing. You can’t go rape crazy.”
“No offense, Twi, but you’re a bit of sex-starved egghead,” Rainbow said. “I mean, you are the only one of us that’s never had a special somepony before.”
“Yeah,” said Twilight, “but don’t you think that I’d know better than to rape my special somepony when I did find him.”
“To be perfectly honest, darling,” said Rarity, “I doubt that he’d mind it too much.”
“Personally, I think rape can be fun sometimes,” said Pinkie. “If you do it right, it’s sort of like a game of tag, except that only one pony is it and there are no tag-backs.”
“If anypony ever tried to rape me they’d better hope that I don’t got my lasso with me,” said Applejack. “I’d have them hogtied and strung up before they knew what was what.”
“There are some,” said Rarity, “that would not mind that too much either.”
Twilight was silent and had a contemplative expression. Everyone turned expectantly to her.
“Well, Twi?” Dash said leadingly.
Twilight, sighing, said:
“Okay, maybe, under very specific circumstances—maybe, I might rape.”
Dash slammed her hooves on the table, then, raising them, pointed at Twilight triumphantly and cheered:
“We’ve got a rapist in the castle!”
The others laughed at this while Twilight, flustered and blushing, clarified:
“But only under specific circumstances! It’d have to be the right stallion and—oh, what am I saying!”
“I don’t think I could ever rape anypony,” Fluttershy said. “At least not on purpose, anyway.”
“Yeah, you’d probably apologize to them while you were doing it,” Applejack said.
Rainbow pulled her bangs over one eye and, while making thrusting and grunting noises, took on a hushed and hesitant tone:
“Oh, I’m sorry about this. I’ll try to be gentle. I promise. Can we just try to enjoy it? No? Oh, okay then. Sorry.”
The table broke into hearty laughter at this. Even Fluttershy enjoyed the display.
“Alright,” said Dash, “so who wants to share their rapist list next?”
Everyone around the table shared a certain look with each other and soon there were eager volunteers.
“And I’ve got a few things to say about my number one pick,” Twilight said as, with a certain smile, she turned to Rainbow Dash.
**
‘After all,’ thought the human, ‘how bad could this girl talk possibly be?’
He opened the door and went inside the throne room. He heard Applejack’s voice first.
“Yeah, but I wouldn’t rape on Hearth’s Warming,” Applejack said. “That means that, on certain days, I would be out of commission as a rapist.”
“But think of how much you would rape before those days,” said Rarity. “Why with your work ethic, and with that lasso, I’d say that you’d have more apples in your barrel than any of us.”
“Pinkie Pie is good friends with everypony in town,” Fluttershy said.
“You know, not to brag or anything, but I’ll bet I could rape anypony in town that I wanted to,” Pinkie said. “I know almost everything about nearly everypony already thanks to my party files.”
“But what about Twilight’s magic?” Rainbow said. “That’s more powerful than both ropes and parties. Twilight, you could probably rape anypony you wanted to in all of Equestria.”
Twilight nodded.
“And I’m a princess,” she said musingly, “which means that ponies I don’t even know will usually trust me right off the bat.”
“Yes, but I think that it’s wrong to talk about rape on such a grand scale here,” said Rarity. “That abstracts it too much. The rape should be personal and within reason. We should approach this as though we were intimate with the subject, as though we were raping our neighbors rather than just strange and random numbers.”
“Hey,” said Pinkie, “this is fun and all. But I was wondering, which one of us do you think would be most likely to be raped?”
Without hesitation, and all in unison, “Fluttershy” was the answer.
“I don’t think that’s true,” Fluttershy said.
“Please,” said Rainbow with a wave of her hoof, “with how you are you’d be, like, prime rib to a rapist out on the prowl.”
“Sure, that’s what you think,” Fluttershy said, “until I used the stare on them. Then, once they were on the ground, I’d be the rapist.”
“Woah. I never even thought of that,” said Dash.
“You’re a killer, Fluttershy,” Pinkie said admiringly.
“Now there’s a question,” said Rarity with a demure smile. “Girls, let’s discuss murder for a moment.”
Just then the book slid out of his limp, stunned hands and fell onto its face so that the sound, rising up from the floor, was like a gunshot ringing round all the ears in the room. He looked down slowly and then, feeling all their noticing eyes turning towards him, weakly looked up. They all regarded him for a moment, all seemingly doing so in one girlish collective, as though all of their thoughts were running with each other.
Then they began to smile.
“Hey,” said Pinkie, “I’m glad you’re here.”
“We can get a second opinion,” said Applejack.
“And from a gentleman, too,” said Rarity.
He took a silent and wary step backwards.
“Where are you going?” Dash said.
He turned and started for the door.
“Oh, he’s going to get away,” Fluttershy said anxiously.
“Don’t go,” said Twilight. “We want to ask you something . . . And you forgot your book!”
“I’ll get him,” Dash said, as she rose up into the air.
He got out, closed the throne room door behind him, and then, bursting through the castle doors, ran back the way he came, screaming the entire time.
Spike, peering over his comic, took one calm look at this, and then, shaking his head as his eyes returned to his book, said:
“I told him not to go in there.”
He licked his claw and flipped to the next page.
“Not when those girls are being weird like that.”