Sparing her Feelings
“Hey Shy! Is dinner ready yet?” Rainbow Dash yelled as she flapped through Fluttershy’s closed door, blasting it open. The commotion sent several hanging bird houses wobbling, and Fluttershy eeped, frantically flapping out of the kitchen and trying to set them right.
“Oh dear!” she said in a voice that was almost a yell for her. For a normal pony, it almost approached ordinary speaking volume.
Her birds chirped frantically, and she had to work to get them all to settle back down. Rainbow Dash watched, rolling her eyes, as Fluttershy continued to ignore her. At last, the birds were quiet, and ‘Shy turned to look at her marefriend with a nervous smile.
She’d jumped out of her skin when Rainbow had come crashing through the door, like she always did. She was still trying to hide her trembling now. But Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy never argued.
“R-Rainbow, maybe you could, um, come in a little less… loudly, next time?” she suggested meekly.
Rainbow suddenly looked ashamed, looking down at the floor. Fluttershy was terrified - why did she always have to be so loud and brash and stupid? And just a moment ago she’d been irritated at her looking after the birds…
“Um, yeah, sure thing,” Dash replied. “Sorry.” She felt like a little filly being scolded, not Fluttershy’s awesome and amazing marefriend.
“I-it’s okay,” Fluttershy said, looking cautiously relieved. She knew Rainbow would likely forget her promise before the next time, and she’d have to fight between saying something and keeping quiet. She would probably keep quiet - she’d never want to be a nag, after all.
“I made salad,” she added, smiling. Dash tried not to show her disappointment - Fluttershy rarely cooked anything substantial. Eating lettuce and carrots all day made her feel like another animal in ‘Shy’s menagerie.
But she didn’t want to hurt Fluttershy’s feelings, so she said nothing.
“Sounds… great!” she lied, heading over to her seat at the table. They had dates like this about three times a week. The rest of the time they didn’t really hang out any more.
It bothered Fluttershy a little, but she knew Rainbow Dash was busy with important things, and so she didn’t mention it. She was lucky enough that Dash wanted to spend any time at all with a loser like her…
“Here you go!” ‘Shy said brightly, her broad smile covering how she felt inside. She couldn’t, just couldn’t, bring this up to Dash - she didn’t want to be even more of a burden than she already was.
Dash looked at the bowl of salad on her plate. Hers was heaped higher than Fluttershy’s, which meant extra salad for her to force her way through. Yummy.
She took a lettuce leaf in her mouth, crunching it quietly.
“Where’s the dressing?” she asked, thoughtlessly, and Fluttershy cringed back, embarrassed.
“I… I’m sorry Rainbow! I used the last of it on Angel’s dinner,” she shifted. She knew Rainbow liked that dressing, but Angel bunny had been so insistent, and she didn’t have the heart to refuse the little darling. She hoped Rainbow understood.
“Oh… okay,” Dash said, not saying anything else. Sometimes she felt like Fluttershy loved that stupid rabbit more than her.
There was silence, and the crunching of leaves for a while.
“So… how was work?” Fluttershy finally asked, growing anxious in the long silence.
“It was fine. There’s going to be a storm this weekend so we’ve been pulling clouds down from Cloudsdale all day. You should keep the animals in,” Dash spoke between mouthfuls of green leaves and cucumber, trying to wolf her meal down as quickly as possible. “Cloudchaser was hassling me today about spending so much time on the ground, again.”
“Oh dear! Well, you shouldn’t let her bully you, Rainbow! You should go straight to the pony in charge!”
“Um, babe? I am the pony in charge, more or less,” Dash frowned. “Besides, she’s just teasing. It’s all in good fun. To them it’s just weird that a pegasus pony would want to hang around on the ground all the time.”
“...Oh.”
“Oh my gosh, I didn’t mean - I’m sorry, ‘Shy! I, I didn’t mean they’d think you’re weird!” Rainbow’s eyes had flown wide as she realized what she’d said, but she knew the damage was already done. Why was she so stupid and inconsiderate? She never kept her big mouth shut!
“I-it’s okay, Rainbow. I don’t mind,” Fluttershy lied, forcing a smile. She did mind. And she knew that other pegasus ponies thought she was weird, or pathetic. She just didn’t like to be reminded of it.
The evening carried on, dragging in places. Nopony raised their voice. To outsiders, it probably looked like a perfectly happy meal, with two perfectly happy marefriends, eating together.
Like the rest of their relationship. Fluttershy went to Wonderbolt shows without a word of complaint - she didn’t mention how terrified she was about flying all the way up to Cloudsdale, or how she hated the noise, and the crowds. The fact she had no interest in watching those kinds of performances was almost an afterthought. But she still said absolutely nothing to Rainbow Dash, knowing if she did, she’d be the same lonely loser filly she’d been in flight camp.
Rainbow Dash ate salad for every date and didn’t complain about the animals everywhere, with their smell and their fur and their irritating noises - much. Sometimes she slipped up, and the hurt look on Fluttershy’s face reminded her of why she never mentioned when she was upset. She felt like a monster when she hurt Fluttershy. She felt like a bully.
So neither of them complained, if they could help it, and Fluttershy pushed herself hard to be more and more outgoing - and Rainbow Dash grit her teeth as she helped out with the animals, the animals that always seemed to come first, and put up with her marefriend’s shyness and inability to do anything cool.
There were couples who were much, much unhappier than them, they both privately decided. Couples who argued all the time. And neither of them wanted to be like that - Fluttershy hated the thought of arguing at all, and Rainbow Dash knew it would just turn into her yelling at ‘Shy while she cowered away. And she hated the thought of that.
Once dinner was finished, Rainbow tried getting romantic with ‘Shy. That, at least, she was good at.
“Oh, Rainbow!” Fluttershy cried out, as the rainbow pegasus peppered kisses down her neck. Every touch still felt electric and exciting, and it was only a little uncomfortable when Dash pulled a feather too hard, or pressed her lips against ‘Shy’s a little too forcefully.
“Mm, I love you, babe,” Rainbow murmured, kissing Fluttershy gently but passionately. She was so soft, so yielding, it was like she didn’t respond at all except to let Dash take more and more. It could be tedious sometimes, never being challenged, never feeling like ‘Shy desired her quite as frantically, but mostly Rainbow was okay with it, feeling like some tough action hero, getting to kiss a cute, feminine mare.
“I love you too, Rainbow. Oh!” Fluttershy gasped as Dash’s hoof drifted lower, finding her cutie mark. “Oh my!”
“I know you like it when I touch you there,” Dash whispered huskily, her hoof pressing down on the three butterflies, rubbing in little circles. “You make the cutest noises.”
As if in response, Fluttershy squeaked, her wings lifting almost unconsciously. Her cheeks flushed pink as the shy mare responded to her partner’s attentions, her body sending her powerful messages that couldn’t be ignored.
“Shall we take this upstairs?” Dash asked as she pulled away, a cocky smile on her face, knowing Fluttershy would agree.
“Oh, ye- wait!” Fluttershy gasped, her wings flaring in surprise, not excitement. “Oh, Rainbow! I completely forgot to mention… We… we can’t go upstairs!”
“Why not?” Rainbow demanded, deflating.
“B-because my friend, Harry - he’s a bear, remember? - hurt his back, and he’s been resting in my bed all day… Oh dear…”
“So kick him out!”
“I can’t! I… I’m sorry Rainbow. I just can’t. It wouldn’t be right!”
Rainbow Dash looked irritated, but just for a moment.
“Fine!... Fine,” she sighed, lowering her wings. “It’s… It’s been a long day, ‘Shy. I’m gonna… head home, okay?”
“Oh… but…”
Fluttershy couldn’t find a way to end that sentence.
“...Okay.”
“Thanks. See you Friday, ‘Shy,” Rainbow muttered, kissing her marefriend’s cheek. It was a chaste, gentle kiss, not like the earlier passionate ones.
And then Dash left, leaving Fluttershy alone, with her animals.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the flight to her house, Dash thought about her relationship with Fluttershy. It didn’t feel easy or fun anymore. It felt like she was held down in place by a thousand ropes, stopping her wings from flapping. She could say how she felt, or complain, in case she hurt Fluttershy’s feelings. She felt trapped. She couldn’t be herself - couldn’t be Rainbow Dash.
Why did she have to fall in love with Fluttershy? Things weren’t like this with any of her other friends. If she complained to Rarity or Applejack or Twilight, they might be annoyed, or irritated, or argue back, but none of them would burst into tears or make her feel like a monster just for saying their mane cut looked stupid or that she didn’t like how the carrots were cooked. Even Pinkie Pie was more likely to just laugh it off.
And where was the future? Fluttershy wanted to stay on the ground, looking after her animals. Rainbow wanted to soar in the sky, perform for the Wonderbolts, and travel far and wide. They wanted such different things.
But worse than knowing that by herself was knowing she could never, ever talk to Fluttershy about it. It was so frustrating!
That was the problem, with their relationship. The argument. The argument they never had. Or the many hundreds, thousands of them. The disputes that ended before they came out of somepony’s mouth, dying on their lips as ‘Okay’ or ‘That’s fine’.
Rainbow realised something - she resented Fluttershy. She felt like she was suppressing all her feelings, all the time. But she couldn’t say anything. She could never, ever tell her how she felt. They couldn’t even break up. It would hurt Fluttershy too badly.
Dash flew home, faster than ever. There were no tears to hide - just bitter, painful resentment, deep inside, that she knew she’d have to hide before the next time she saw her marefriend.
------------------------------------------------
For the next few weeks, things continued as normal. Rainbow continued to burst through the door unexpectedly, frightening Fluttershy and her animals. Shy stopped mentioning it, just quietly trying to settle her animals down. It hurt that Rainbow didn’t listen to her - but why should anybody listen to her, ever?
The salads continued - and Rainbow was careful to never complain about those, rolling her eyes only when she was sure Fluttershy couldn’t see it. Things were quiet, with no indication that anything was wrong, other than the tense, strained silences between the two. The less and less frequent evenings in ‘Shy’s bed, which were about the only part of their relationship Rainbow enjoyed any more.
But they never argued.
And slowly, but surely, Rainbow realised she wasn’t in love with Fluttershy any more. It wasn’t an exciting end to passion, or a dramatic, powerful thing brought on by a betrayal. It just happened, little by little, as the couple hid more and more of themselves from each other, until it felt like their lives were hardly intertwined at all.
The fact she didn’t love Fluttershy terrified her, because she knew it meant they couldn’t be together. In desperation, one night, she tried to start an argument for once. Maybe it would fix things, or make them better.
“Why do you always have to make salads?” Rainbow demanded, shaking. She hated this. She didn’t want to hurt Fluttershy. But she was so scared! She wanted things to be okay again.
“Wh-what?” Shy replied, her eyes wide.
“Salads! All the time, Shy! I’m sick of them!” Dash growled, pushing herself away from the table. “And then you give the best stuff to your stupid rabbit! It’s not fair! I’m tired of coming second to a feathering ANIMAL!”
Her face was as dark as a thundercloud, but inside she was pleading. ‘Yell at me,’ she thought. ‘Tell me off. Please, please don’t cry.’
But she did.
“I-I-I-I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” Fluttershy reacted predictably, sobbing, not responding directly to the statements, just crying her eyes out. “I’m so sorry, I’m so worthless, and stupid, and-”
Dash kept her guard up. Second, after second, as her marefriend sobbed and disparaged herself. Her heart was breaking. She couldn’t take this.
With a flurry of movement, Dash rose up, wrapping Fluttershy in her wings.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry ‘Shy, I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry, I’m the idiot, not you,” she sobbed along with her, knowing this was it. “You’re so good to me, I’m sorry I can’t just be grateful…”
“No, no, it’s, I was the bad one, I always am, I never do anything right, you should just, just leave me!”
“Never! Never…” Rainbow Dash said, but she knew in her heart she was lying.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The end came months later, with a complete lack of drama. They’d been distant for so long. Dates every other day became dates once a week, and then Rainbow started missing them. There’d be some excuse, but Fluttershy never pushed too hard. She was terrified. She was losing her marefriend, and she had no idea what to do.
Rainbow didn’t even try to initiate sex any more. If Fluttershy hinted at going upstairs, or raised her wings suggestively, Rainbow would ignore it, or worse, say she was too tired to do anything and head home.
She knew the end was coming. She tried to hold it off. She never made salads any more - she cooked, she grilled, she served sparkling champagne and roses, and chocolates. And half the time she had to eat dinner alone, or clear the table hours before Dash came to see her.
One cold day, Rainbow Dash landed on her doorstep.
She didn’t come in. She knocked.
It was freezing, but she didn’t come in.
“I think we should break up, ‘Shy,” she said, her voice cracking. “I’m… I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. But I’m not happy, and I don’t think you are either.”
Fluttershy said nothing.
“I just… This is so hard,” Rainbow Dash said, looking at the floor. “I feel like neither of us can really talk about how we’re feeling anymore. I’m just, I’m sorry. I wish things didn’t have to be this way.”
A voice inside Fluttershy cried out. ‘Beg her to stay! Yell at her! Get angry! Have a backbone!’
She swallowed it down, and smiled kindly at her ma- at her ex-marefriend.
“It’s okay,” she lied, once more.