Your standard self insert human transformed in Equestria story, but with a lame twist.
A human appears in an Equestria where things are a little lopsided and topsy-turvy. A true misfit in this bizarre world, and not willing to fit in, he will force the world to change around him. Even though the world seems more than willing to do that anyway.
Seriously, the locals are very cooperative and take him very seriously about serious issues. Even when they're not as serious as he seriously claims them to be. Seriously, he's kind of a idiot.
Though, tortured by his past, as everyone needs a moody backstory, apparently, he shall teach the locals things would never have understood or conceived before his arrival.
Any bets on how long before they kick him to the curb?
There are many Equestrias. This one of them, duh. But, it's much different than any you have likely ever read about. But, it starts out about the same as any generic story does. With the hero arriving in a magical place we're all familiar with.
"Welcome to Detroit, cracker. Now give me yo money before I pop yo head."
Whoops. Sorry. Wrong world. Let's try that again.
Ahem.
With the hero arriving in a magical place we're all familiar with.
"Oh, that poor stallion."
"What kind of terrible mare would force him into that terrible thing. In the middle of summer no less."
"Someone call a guard. The poor thing might overheat."
"Shouldn't we be helping him?"
"Are you crazy? That's the tallest stallion I've ever seen. Call me a coward, but, I am not chancing the probability that he might be very upset at the moment."
"I know I would be. Hope they get here soon."
These were the words I heard as I staggered along the street. Being new to the quadruped stage, it was a wonder no one was laughing at me. Although... no one else appeared to be a quadruped either. They were all standing on their hind legs. Was I freak or something? I had already tried to stand on my hind legs when I arrived in this place.
It went badly. Oh so very Badly.
To top it all off, due to my transformation into this... thing, I couldn't see my self all that clearly, my equipment had transformed as well to conform to my shape. And I mean it really conformed to my shape. It was absolutely useless now, most of it. My helmet was the worst. The... absolute... worst.
Sure, it had conformed to the size of my head, and fit snuggly like a proper helmet should. But, It ensured the only way I could breathe was through my nose, and the only part of my face that could move were my eyes. That was just fucked up. I couldn't even communicate with these creatures. Couldn't see them all that well either. Stupid visor kept fogging up.
Having already walked for what felt like miles, when, in truth, I had just staggered my way out of a back alley a few minutes ago, it finally seemed as though things might be looking up. They were obviously pitying me... great, I was pitiful... okay, shoving my pride into the background... it seemed as though I was going to be getting some help.
I didn't hold my breath. In no way am I going to jinx this.
The guards that were supposedly coming to my rescue could be heard long before they arrived. The clanking of metal was like a thousand gongs rolling down a rocky mountainside. Maybe what I was had excellent hearing. That would be so cool, being able to hear things again, that is.
Anyway, the guards were quick to appear before me, and they were easy to make out through my fogged lenses. Were they wearing gold? Wow... what kind of world did I land in that makes armor out of such a flimsy metal? Ceremonial armor, I could understand, but these guys were running in it and carrying spears.
"Who did this?" one of the demanded.
Never mind. These were gals. No man has voice like that.
Seeing them brandish their spears menacingly may have caused me to take a step back. Or two. Okay, I retreated until my butt hit a wall, citizens of this place cried out in protest of my erratic movement. Great, now I'm butthurt on a number of levels.
One of the guards, who apparently had some purple mixed with her armor gave a signal for the other guards to step back, before setting her spear upon the ground and approaching me, arms held out in front of her.
"Easy, boy," she cooed softly. Seriously? What was I, a dog? Actually, that was plausible. Maybe I should woof a bit. If I didn't have this helmet on my head. She continued approaching, cooing softly and dishing out compliments like they were going out of style. "It's okay. You're a good boy, aren't you? Yes, you are. A big boy, too. Wow, you really are quite the biggest stallion I've ever met. Didn't think they made them in your size."
Stallion? I'm a horse? Well, that's not too far off from a dog. Both can be trained to do the exact same stuff. Only, one you can ride, and the other won't crush you when it wants to sit on your lap. Well, at least I discovered something about myself today. Also explains why I can't feel my toes.
I don't think I'll miss toes. They hurt like fuck when stubbed, and are too high maintenance. Now, fingers... those I'm going to miss. I shall never play the piano again... why couldn't this have happened when I was a kid. Stupid piano lessons. I hated that stupid device that was originally created to be a tuning instrument for other instruments. Ha, made you learn.
"That's right, I'm not gonna hurt you," the creature said, now right in front of me. She patted my head softly, though it rattled a bit inside that stupid helmet. Have I mentioned I hate this helmet? "C'mon, let's just get this off of you."
She slowly slipped her fingers around the edge of the cursed helmet and gave it a firm tug. And then she gave it another tug. And another tug. Another tug. Tug. Tug. Tug. Crap. It wouldn't budge.
By now, she was fuming. Though, she didn't seem particularly upset at the helmet. "When I catch the hooligans that did this too you, I'm gonna skin them alive and hang them by their own guts."
Woah! Ouch! This girl was crazy mean. I hope she wouldn't actually mean that. That might be gong a little far, don't'cha think?
After a few more tugs, during which the rest of the guards tried to help her, she finally gave up and took a few deep breaths. "Wait until Celestia hears about this abuse. Let's see about getting the rest off of him, maybe that'll loosen things up a bit."
Not going to work, lady. I designed this armor so that the only way to remove it was to remove the helmet first. A regrettable design choice, given the circumstances. But, hey, how was I supposed to know I would get to a point were I couldn't take it off? It was designed like this to remove any chinks in the armor.
"We can't seem to find any latch, Captain," a guard piped up, stepping back to get a good look at me. She seemed to like what she saw. The heck is wrong with you? I'm a horse. "And the seams are too tight to get a grip on."
"What?" the captain demanded angrily, coming over to see for herself. "I don't believe this? How? Why? That's just plain stupid."
Ouch. Well, at least it wasn't advanced stupid.
Another guard put in her two cents. "A pretty advanced kind of stupid, actually."
Somebody's lookin' for hurtin'.
"Then let's cut it off of him," the captain growled, pulling out a sword. Yeah, not gonna work either.
After some sawing and hacking, I'm pretty sure that part left a bruise, they finally gave up and sheathed their blades. The captain was not happy.
"I don't believe this," she growled in frustration. "It's made of fabric for crying out loud. How can we not be cutting through fabric? Did some wizard do this?"
Hey, they're actually blaming it on a wizard. I might like this world. But, back to the armor, NANO-machines, son. Just kidding. NANO fibers. Almost impenetrable, save to a high powered rifle, really big explosion, or a diamond-tipped chainsaw. Of course, a shotgun slug to the chest could still kill me, as the armor just keeps most stuff from passing through me. I'm more like an egg in a wooden box, him me hard enough an I will break.
"We could try the nearest blacksmith," one guard suggested.
Ooh. Yeah, and extreme heat could part the fibers as well. Forgot to mention that. The blacksmith was sure surprised anyway.
After I was a lead to a large outdoor shop, the captain spoke with someone for a bit while the other guards kept petting me. It was nice, but, they really needed to learn some boundaries. Just like me. Hehe. Okay, so here's where I really panicked.
The blacksmith, also a female, suddenly starts approaching me was a length of metal she just pulled out of the coals. That was it. The though that thing scouring across my flesh was enough to make me want to bolt. Luckily, for someone, they managed to wrangle me down, and place my head atop an anvil as though I were awaiting the headsman. Yikes. Stupid armor was so useless for mobility in this shape.
After a series of soft coos and gentle pats to get me to calm down, the blacksmith went to work on the fabrics around my neck. Thus I remained as still as a statue while she diligently worked with what I hoped was the skill of a surgeon.
"Would you look at that?" the blacksmith gasped in astonishment. "It's just disintegrating."
You're probably thinking that that's a design flaw. Nah. It takes nearly a thousand degrees to start breaking down the cellular structure of the NANO fibers. I'd be dead anyway if I came across a place that hot. No heat shields. I never planned on entering a volcano anyway.
The captain was quick to take interest. "Then make sure you leave as much in take as possible. I need to show this to the princesses."
She's welcome to it. No catch. If delivering this to the higher-ups means receiving some favor and favors in return, I'm all for it. Just as long as I get the credit for the delivery.
"And, done," the blacksmith noted proudly. Wow, she really did have the skill of a surgeon. I didn't even smell any burnt fur. Did horses have fur in this world? Well, I would soon find out. "Hold his shoulder's for me, ladies."
The guards all took hold of me, captain included, while the blacksmith gripped her fingers around the edges of my helmet and gave one hard tug. It stung like the dickens. Hey, horses do have fur in this world.
"Oh, that's a brave stallion," the captain cried, griping my neck in a hug. Wow, it felt good to feel contact like that again.
"Thank you, ma'am," I thanked her wholeheartedly.
The shop exploded in cries of shock, that caused me to jump up in terror and look around. Everyone was staring at me. Speaking of horses... without that foggy visor these ladies all looked like horses too. Only they stood on their hind legs. Something's fishy around here, or my name isn't Selfen Surt.
Back to the matter at hand, I turned to look the captain in the eye. "Did I do something wrong?"
Everyone shirked again. Oh, how it hurt my new, very sensitive ears.
"Y-y-you talked," the captain cried, pointing a finger at me.
Now, that just seemed like a dumb statement. Here's a dumb question to compliment it.
I don't really know what to think at the moment. After my complimentary dumb question, the captain had sworn the blacksmith and the rest of the guards to secrecy, wrapped a length of bandages around my mouth to keep me from talking further, and then dragged me out of the shop like the hounds of hell were biting at our heels. Or fetlocks. I know horse.
Everything moved so fast, one moment we were rushing through the streets, the next, we were walking calmly through the halls of the most magnificent palace ever created. I should know. I burned down all the ones on my home world. There were other horses here. Must be the dominant species or something. Strange. More and more females. Mares, I should say.
Well, there were others like me, here and there. Wearing similar golden armor to the guards who were escorting me through the palace. some even had mares riding atop them, bearing large lances. They all gave me odd looks. I'll admit, I probably smell funny. Haven't exactly cleaned this thing in five years. Haven't even removed it in the past two weeks.
Suffice to say, it was filthy and disgusting, and I was in desperate need of some hygiene. All the hygiene.
I was rudely snapped out of my thoughts by door coming out of nowhere and slapping me across the muzzle. I was about to pick a fight with it, when it seemed to hear more guards coming and sprinted away as fast as it's feet could carry it. A moment later the pursuing guards rushed past, all shouting something about "discord".
Then, as I watched the door and the guards disappear around a corner, a walked into a stationary door. My word, it was the size of the broadside of a barn. I used to work in a door factory myself, so I can really appreciate the quality of it. Someone really had a fondness for the Eastern French décor. Not that they could possibly know what France was. Or did they? I need to stop asking these questions.
The captain gently pushed me back away from the door and gave me a reassuring smile. Quite a far cry away from the hysterical mare that had dragged me through the streets just a little while ago. I hope she wasn't one of those bipolar girls. I could really use a pub, and an all-American bacon cheeseburger right about now.
And how about some manly companionship? The estrogen was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
The captain attempted to straighten her mane and uniform. Then she realized was wearing a metal suit and groaned before pushing the doors opened by herself and entering the room, bidding me follow, but the rest of the guards stay.
I did as I was instructed and found myself even more amazed by the magnificent throne room than I had ever been by the grand halls of the palace. Of all the things I have ever ransacked and destroyed, this trumped them all. I think I was on the verge of an orgasm at the sight of the all the shiny, beautiful things that lay before me.
"Your majesties," the captain said, drawing my attention to the throne itself. That's right, throne rooms are supposed to have people in them. Duh. I tend to forget that. Important people. "I, Captain Ivy, request an audience with you."
A chuckle sounded from the throne itself, a giant cushion, upon which sat to other mares, dressed in regalia or gold, silver, white, and blue. So simple, yet, outstripping many of the pretentious upstarts I've encountered. On top of that, they quite tall. Amazons is how I would rate. Strong, defining curves, faultless complexions, kind eyes and even kinder smiles.
The only reason I don't rate them a ten is because their boobs were too small. Granted, there was plenty to notice. But, that was it. You would just notice them. They didn't exactly draw your attention.
"What have you brought with you today, Dear Ivy," the white one asked, resting her chin upon her palm. She eyed me with quite a lot of interest.
Have been bowing the whole time, the captain stood up straight to give her report. "Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna, royal sisters of Equestria, today I answered a call about an abused stallion."
The two sisters gasped in horror.
"Continue." the blue one said in a dark tone.
"Already on patrol with some new recruits," the mare continued in an even tone, "we hurried to the place indicated by the mare who brought it to our attention. What we found was a stallion locked inside of a strange suit that inhibited his movement and sight, wandering the streets, lost."
The white one was scowling deeply, but remained silent, as did her sister.
"Our first attempts to help him escape were unsuccessful, as whoever put him inside of the suit had cruelly hidden the locks. Although he appeared to be wearing simple cloth, our blades could not cut them. We were forced to seek the help of a good blacksmith, who managed to remove the helmet without harming the stallion."
"She shall be rewarded," the dark one said promptly. "So, tell us, captain. Are you here to report a mare, or mares, going about and stuffing stallions into cruel suits, from which there is no escape without outside aid?"
"There is that possibility," the captain said, looking aside. Yeah, I'd like to know why we're here as well. Stupid rags on my muzzle. No one forced me to wear this stuff. It was simply necessary.
"Is this the stallion here?" the white one asked, flaring out a pair of wings from behind her back, nearly giving me a heart attack.
The bloody hell? Amongst other exotic curses.
"Tia," the dark one chided. "You have frightened him."
Tia? Oh, Celestia. The other must be Luna. Got the names now.
Celestia blushed apologetically. But didn't fold her wings. No, she then decided, hey, since they're already out, lets fly with them. I wasn't sure if I was scared or amazed. Scazed. Amared. Nah, those are stupid.
Anyway, Celestia flew, or glided, right up in front of me and laid a hand upon my cheek, smiling kindly. Just her touch seemed to calm me down. I call witchcraft.
"My, he is a giant," she said softly, leaning in close to nuzzle my muzzle. She was one to talk She still stood a good inch taller than me. "Why would any mare wish to torture such a fine specimen? Did he become violent, Captain?"
"No, your majesty," the captain responded.
"Then why is he muzzled?" Celestia inquired, feeling the rags with a look of disdain on her face.
"Well... you see... the thing is...," the captain tried to speak, but failed immeasurably. Finally she resigned and grabbed the rags in one hand and yank. "See for yourself, ma'am."
As soon as those things were off, I stretched my jaw as wide as I could get it. It popped loudly, relieving so much tension. "Ow. Finally. A simple 'shut the hell up' would have sufficed. Thank you very much."
Again, with the shrieking and pointing, and the disbelief. They seemed very prone to shock. I really hope it's not a trend. Or a running gag. That would get old.
"Fine... fine, continue your little lung exercises," I said, eliciting more cries of shock from the princesses and the guards. Not the captain. She seemed the only sensible one at the moment. "I'm just gonna finish taking off this stuff. Alone, apparently. As none of you seem inclined to help. Stupid hooves."
The captain, hearing my complaints, aiding me in the removal of the armor, which was very easy with the helmet, and with her hands. However, the moment the moment she managed to loosen the concealed straps and pull the stuff off my back, everyone set about in a new series of panicked cries, louder this time.
So loud, in fact, that it concerned the guards outside the throne room, prompting them to burst in to see what the problem was. Me apparently. This also lead to more cries of shock and alarm. I was getting really mad by this point.
Really, really mad.
"WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP?" I lifted my own deep voice ceiling, stamping a hoof against the floor.
There was immediate silence.
Looking about, I saw everyone had obvious blushes on their faces. It was hard to believe you could see a blush through all that fur. Again. Was it something I said? These horses are really bad at cluing me in about... anything.
As if I wasn't confused enough, the dark sister, Luna, seems to materiliz beside me, pull my head against her chest in a protective fashion, and shout:
"I hereby claim this alicorn stallion as the royal consort."
"Ali Baba Corn Wallace what now?" I asked, not exactly concerned about my current position. Though, it could be a lot more comfortable if she were more endowed.
Okay, let's clarify a few things. I was in the body of a horse. A hooved beast of burden that walks around on all fours and likes apples. While i have seen a few others like me in this world, most of the population, so far, were a bunch of mares who stood upon two legs with hands and... yes, hooves below.
How nice, they don't have to suffer the horror of stubbed toes either. But, on the other hand, I'm going to miss hands. At least I could grip something with them. Am I going to have to graze now? I hope not, or else this feast they've laid out before me would just be the cruelest thing since the Kardashians.
"Is it to your liking?" the one named Celestia asked, an excited look on her face.
"The food just got here," I explained to her. "I haven't even gotten a chance to take a bite yet."
"Oh, silly me," she blushed and looked aside. Her sister rolled her eyes and pushed what looked like a bowl of mashed potatoes. "Sorry... it's just um... you can talk."
"Why does everyone keep saying that?" I asked as I bent down to sample the mashed potatoes. I almost cried as soon as a I tasted it. Not becasue it was super delicious, which it was, but because it was the first proper food I've had in years. But I sucked those tears back inside, refusing to show weakness.
"Well, it's just very unusual," Luna told me, pushing a platter of jello towards me. My word, if I didn't know any better, I'd say she was trying tell me something. "In fact, it's impossible."
"Apparently not," I responded, sampling the jello. No one seemed to mind the fact I was sticking my face into the food. As if it was normal to have someone eat in this fashion at the dinner table. "After all, I'm living proof."
"Indeed," Luna said, nodding slowly. "Though tis a wonder you can do anything at all. You're so thin. How long have you been without food?"
"Oh... a couple weeks," I answered simply, moving onto what appeared to be a stack of pancakes. Holy... did I ever mention that pancakes are my favorite food ever? Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Potatoe, plain, beer-batter, I love them all. Unlike those hypocrite waffles.
"A couple weeks?" the sisters gasped in horror.
"I swear, the echo in this place in uncanny," I responded. Drat. Hunger made me eat those pancakes in record time.
Celestia quickly joined her sister in pushing food in my direction. Are they Jewish or something? No, that wasn't a slam on the Jews. Ever eaten at a Jewish friend's house as a kid? The mother will not let you leave the table until you gain at least ten pounds.
"How are you still alive?" Celstia asked, amazed. "Most stallions might have died from such neglect."
What? Did they think I was some pushover. I didn't conquer half the world by letting a little thing like personal health get in my way. Then again, I suppose they wouldn't know about that.
"I guess I'm just tougher than most stallions," was my response. You know... now that I think about it... I haven't been getting any answers, at all. Ever since I arrived in fact. Yet, here I am, answering all of their questions like some magic eight ball.
"What mare birthed such a mighty beast?" Luna inquired thoughtfully. Okay, that was flattering. I'll answer one more question.
"A very tenacious one," I told her, whilst trying to wipe my face with a hoof. "I am the third of five sons, with four sisters."
There was an audible gasp.
"Your mother gave birth to five sons?" Celestia asked.
"Yes indeed." Dang it. I answered another question.
"While only having four daughters?" Luna asked. "That's almost unheard of."
"Why?" I asked. Yay, a real question.
"Because, on average, a mare usually produces two sons, with nearly a dozen daughter during a full reproductive lifecycle."
That explanation brought up more questions. But I wasn't interested in those wacky alien reproductive trivia. I have other things I need to know before thinking below the belt.
"So, a mare can produce that many?" They nodded, seemingly eager to answer my question. This was good. "Then why haven't I seen very many of my kind?"
They became perplexed. Great.
"I don't know what you mean?" Luna inquired, giving me a sideways glance. "What do you mean, you haven't seen many of your kind?"
I rolled my eyes. Surely that was disrespect to royalty, but I didn't happen to care at the time. "You know, what I am. I've seen a few of my kind around your lovely palace. Some of your guards were riding them."
Celestia blinked. "Are you saying your not a pony? And that there are others in our ranks?"
I considered that. "I thought for sure I was a horse."
Everything became quiet. The servants, guards and princesses all stared at me in horror. Oh dear. Did I just ruin the status quo? I really don't want to be on the run again. It's no fun. But I was prepared to defend myself from all forms of attack.
Except a pair of great hugs that threatened to comfort me. I really wish I knew what was going on. That way I could respond properly. I hate not knowing what to do.
"Did the mare who abused you sell you out for prostitution as well?" Luna asked as she squeezed me something fierce.
"What?" I asked, baffled and befuddled. I thought about that for a minute. "Oh... wait a moment. You thought I said, whore. No. I said I was a horse."
The two sisters, still hugging me, leaned back and looked at me oddly.
"A what-a-what?" was Celestia's intelligent question.
I groaned. Never before have I had to explain what a horse was. "A horse. A four legged equine creature, typically used as a pack animal to haul carts of produce or carry people from one place to another."
"Sounds like an awful life from whereever it is you hail," Luna stated. "No decent mare simply uses their stallion in such a fashion. Not without proper reward at least."
"Well, owners typically just give them some shelter and hay to lay down," I explained. "The horse gets a small little stall to sleep in during the night, and the owner gets..."
That's as far as I got before the two princesses got really mad.
"What vile creatures dare treat stallions as slaves," Luna growled, a sword now in her hand. I don't know where it came from, but I really hope she doesn't start swinging it about like a maniac. "They are our sons, brothers, and fathers. To be reduced to such undignified roles as such calls for a thorough investigation to judge our nation's morals."
"On this I agree," Celestia growled menacingly. "How could we be so naïve? It was only a matter of time before some mare thought that using stallions as slaves would give her a life of ease."
"When we find her, she shall be hung above the gates of Canterlot by her thumbs," Luna declared, rasing the sword above her head. This caused the servants and guards to cheer loudly.
Meanwhile, I'm still sitting at the table, completely at a loss for what's happened. Save for a few key phrases that stuck in my head. Let's review.
I was talking about myself. Then they go on about stallions being their sons, brothers, and fathers. I'm a stallion. They're mares. Of all the horse people I've met today, they've all be female. Except maybe those several quadroped creatures I saw out in the halls. I didn't notice, as I don't have desire to see another guy's tackle. Plus, they were wearing barding that covered them fairly well.
Hmmm. There's something here I can't quite put my fing... hoof on.
Well, let's see I can't convince them to give me a bath before they start their crusade.
It was more like a swimming pool than a bath. Good grief, Charlie Brown, you could hold the olympics in here. Well, not really.
Anyway, there I was, sitting in the middle of the biggest bubble bath I have ever bathed in, while maids were helping clean the dirt and grime off of me. I was beginning to wonder if the bubbles in the bath are to conceal the filth coagulating in the water around me.
Originally, I thought I was black and red. Turns out it was just dirt and blood. The amount I was caked with really seemed to disturb them. Enough that the maids refused to continue scrubbing me down before being issued a few pairs of fishing waders.
I also think the stench was getting to everyone. As they had lit incense and scented candles around the edge of the bath. I was half expecting someone to start covering the surface of the water with rose petals. Ew. Not in this sewage.
"I'm afraid we'll need to drain the bath a few times before he's properly cleaned, your majesty," one of the maids told Celestia, who sat a good distance back from the edge of the mirky water.
The white princess sighed as she gave me a pitying stare. It was rather annoying, but refreshing. I can hardly remember the last time everyone wasn't trying to kill me. This kindness could get addictive.
Hmm. Better show my appreciation to my hosts.
"Thank you," I said, turning to Celestia, who jolted a bit in her seat.
"F-for w-w-what?" she stuttered, as though she didn't understand. Did she not get thanked very much? Aw. That's sad. Such a kind and pretty lady like her should be be drowning in gratitude.
"For feeding me and giving me a good cleaning," I replied, lifting a hoof from the water to examine it. Cool, it would appear I was a neon blue in color.
"If anything, we should be apologizing to you," the kind princess reasured me with an apologetic smile. "It was under our watch that a stallion such as you fell into such terrible misfortune. How many more have been abused without our knowledge."
Even the maids seemed upset.
"Wow, you really take animal abuse seriousely," I said as I dropped my hoof back into the water, making a little splash of blackened water. "You may need to drain the water now."
"You consider yourself an animal?" Celestia asked with an edge of disgust in her voice. It would seem my formulated theory about this world was wrong, thus, I did not know how to respond.
"Do you not know what you are?" she asked, sounding very worried.
"At the moment? A horse," I explained.
"Pony," she corrected me. Quite forcefully too, I might add. They really didn't like that word. "You're a pony."
"Okay, I'm a pony," I said, spreading my wings defensively. Did I mention I have wings? Oh, and a horn too. Apparently that's what Luna meant when she called me an alicorn, and promptly declared I was a royal consort. I've seen plenty of winged ponies, horned ponies, and ponies with neither, but it would seem that ponies with both were rare, as I've only seen three, myself included. "Anyway, it's hard to tell what I am, I've only been here for about... four hours? Maybe?"
"Ugh," the other alicorn groned in a longsuffering fashion. "Neither of us is getting through to each other."
"Well, there was a lot of screaming, a shouting, and eating, and now cleaning," I chuckled lightly. "Maybe we should start over. Like, here, my name is Selfen Surt. And you are?"
Celestia actually laughed a bit. "Very well, Mr. Surt."
"Please, Mr. Surt was my father," I scoffed. "Call me Selfen."
Ooh, she liked that. "Well, then, Selfen. I am Princess Sol Invictus Celestia, Diarch of Equestria, and mover of the very sun itself."
"Well, someone didn't skimp on the titles," I said in a chipper tone. Mover of the sun? You know what, in a place like this, I might just believe that.
"There are many more, and all of them earned, I assure you," Celestia followed up, giving me a broad smirk.
"I'm sure they are," I chuckled in a good fashion. "Now, I have been told I was a stallion. Other than being male, what exactly does that mean?"
Again, I got another odd look. If only those were translatable into actual answers.
"It means you're the counterpart to us females," she responded slowly. Gee, that's vague.
"I do understand the biology of male and female, thank you very much," I said, feeling rather indignant. "Though, you're all female, from what I've seen. Where are the males of your species?"
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me like I was a total moron. What was I missing? It was a legitimate question. I demand answers.
"You are the male of our species." Speak of the devil. Also... Whiskey - Tango - Foxtrot. Say what?
"But you have hands and walk on two legs, and I walk around on all fours like a common animal," I pointed out. "Are you delusional or something?"
Celestia growled impatiently, rubbing her temples to calm her rising temper. I stealthily shifted my position in preparation to bolt for the window. Sure, I'd get cut up, and the fall might be quite a ways, but, it would be a perfect oppurtunity to test out my new wings.
"Please, don't run," Celestia cried, holding out her arms in front of her and waving her hands desperately. Apparently I'm not as stealthy as I thought. Dang it. "I'm sorry, I'm expecting far too much of you, Selfen Surt. Please, forgive my impatiance."
I relaxed. A little. "Okay... explain to me... as if I were child who doesn't know where babies come from."
Celestia nodded, quickly signalling the maids to get back to cleaning. This was the part where they began to drain the bath so they would have some clean water to soak me in. I swear, I'm going to look like the world's biggest raisen by the time we're done.
"Mares are born bipedal, and stallions are quadropedal," Celestia explained in the simplest fashion I had ever heard. Well, I feel like an idiot. Again.
So that's what I've been missing. Here I am looking for the fellas, and I've already seen them. I am one of them. So that guard wasn't into horses, she was just looking at prime husband material. I'm not going to deny it.
"Well, I guess that answers that," I grinned sheepishly. "I really have figured that one out for myself."
"No-no, it's alright," Celestia reasured me with a motherly smile. "You're very confused and disorianted. Just becuase you can talk, doesn't mean you know everything."
"That's another thing," I piped shifted myself a bit as the maids began filling the bath back up. Boy, that was some drain. "Why is it that Luna said it should be impossible for me to talk? Are stallions not allowed to talk?"
Celestia was taken aback. "What kind of moron would a rule prohibiting them to talk?"
"Too many," I responded with a shrug. "But, that's not answering my question. Why is it so surprising that I can talk?"
Celestia looked like she was a about to say soemthing, but then thought better of it and took a deep breath. She stood up from her chair and poised herself as though she were teacher adressing her a young student.
"While we mares have congratulated ourselves as the creators of the civilized world, we dare not neglect our marvelous stallions, without whom, civilization would not be possible. A fool would glance at them and compare them to lowly beasts of the field, running on base instincts and an urge to mate.
"Such a concept could not be further from the truth. All males can be observed to have an intelligence level far above that of any animal. While hardly capable of understanding abstract concepts, they excell and, I daresay, surpass us mares in many fields of industrial practices.
"Such proof has been observed in colts as young as three years of age in contolled studies that have been repeated throughout the ages. In one such study, scientists took a group of ten colts and demonstrated the construction of a fence for them. After some encouragment, the colts suceeded in constructing the fence a further ten feet before growing bored and playing with the tools. Which were then removed so that they would not hurt themselves.
"This study shows that they are capable of understanding the mechanical language of show-and-tell. Even without hands or mastery of magic, they managed to crudely imitate such a small feat of engineering with no previous experience. The fact that they grew bored demonstrates another facinating aspect of their nature, one that pushes us to enrich our lifestyle through new fashions and inventions. This way they will not endanger themselves while seeking the excitement so crave.
"They are also quick to understand the concept of money. Being natural and adaptive providers for their families, they can learn, without any help or encouregement, that performing physical tasks we mares don't want to do, they can keep their families safe and warm. There are countless cases where a stallion becomes the soul provider of his household.
"However, this loving gesture can be easily discouraged if the mares of his household do not reward him for his hard work. Loyal, the stallion will not leave his mates, but may cease trying to earn money and grow depressed.
"In cunclusion, stallions, though they are fewer in numbers than mares, and are incapable of higher thought, are still our equals. Which is why you must treat them with the utmost respect, young Twilight Sparkle."
"Who's Twilight Sparkle?" I asked, holding back laughter. She had just gone into autopilot. It was probably an old, yet meaningful lecture from her past.
Celestia's eyes popped open wide. She turned bright red and slapped her hand over her eyes in embarrassment. "Sorry. I still have some PTSD from my student."
Still, it was a facinating lecture. The only one during which I did not fall asleep. But, I really hope that there aren't anymore.
I don't think that bath will be used again for at least a week. After draining it three more times to wash away the filth, there was still a film of grime left on the bottom. So in the end, I was escorted to a shower where they rubbed soaps, oils, and shampoo's into my fur and flesh.
I was a little put out by how invasive they were of my backside. At least they were gentle. As a final touch, my fur and mane were combed within an inch of their lives, and my feathers preened by a pair of the winged ponies. That was an interesting experience in and of itself.
Looking in a mirror afterwards, I saw I was, indeed, fully neon blue with a sky blue mane and tail. My eyes were as brown as they'd ever been. Which was A-Okay. No need to change everything. Besides, I like my eyes. They were mine, and they were the best pair I ever had.
I couldn't remember when I felt so relaxed and clean. This place almost seemed safe. How boring.
Anyway, Celestia insisted I walk with her for a tour of the palace. Apparently she was planning on me living here for the foreseeable future. She'd get no argument from me. For the moment anyway.
At some point during my cleansing, she had slipped away to ditch the dress for a very formal uniform. A scarlet jacket with gold trim and along with a matching long skirt. It looked very nice on her, and, whoever her tailor was, had designed it to accent her best features.
I, however, was left in the nude, and no one seemed to mind. It was rather drafty. But, nothing I hadn't done before. Nudity was a strategic advantage if you were clever enough. Look up the Picts. They knew how to use it. And, I was already blue.
"This is our hall of heroes," Celestia mentioned proudly as we walked down a long hallway with stained glass windows on both sides. The scenes they depicted were incredibly interesting. "We extend it from time to time, allowing room for future heroes. Though, due to our latest batch, we've been stuck with near continuous renovations."
She chuckled as though it were some inside joke. I politely offered a few yucks myself.
We'd already seen the kitchens, loved it, the guest rooms, fancy, the dining hall, loved it, the library, I love books, and just every other nook and cranny she thought important for me to look at. It was giving me plenty of practice for walking on all fours.
But, it was still so long and tedious.
"Not to appear ungrateful for being shown around this lovely place," I began, drawing her attention to me, "but, being inside for so long is making me a little antsy. Perhaps there's something outside you'd like to show me."
Celestia smiled kindly. "Of course. I understand. That was our next stop. I am sorry if this is boring you, but it is necessary. Follow me."
Past the hall and through a pair of large doors was what could not be mistaken for anything but the gardens. Exotic plants, fountains, fish ponds, and stone statues. there was even a hedge mage and dozens of fruit trees.
Celestia seemed pleased by my amazement. "Please, feel free to explore, I'll follow so that I may answer any questions you may have."
I was so gonna make her regret those words.
"Well, what's this?" I asked, pointing to a red flower. I wasn't really that concerned with what it looked like, as I was just looking to have some fun.
"A rose," she responded his a patient smile.
No kidding? Taking another look at it, it was indeed a rose. Not so alien as I originally thought. Then again, when everything tends to get burnt down around you, you can lose appreciation for it.
"What about this?"
"That's the same rose," Celestia responded kindly.
And so it continued. For how long? I didn't keep track. I was bound and determined to annoy her.
And I was failing miserably at it. No matter how ridiculous my questions got. For crying out loud, I asked her what dirt was. Finally, it was me who cracked.
"What gives?" I cried out. She laughed at me. "In the bath you got upset with my questions. What's changed?"
She waited patiently for me to finish. "When I slipped away to change my clothes, I also took a moment to reflect on a few things. You're young, inexperienced, and in need a lot of help. I should not expect too much from you, for now." She stepped up to me and cradled my chin in her hands. "Like a child, you're going to require a lot of patience and guidance from all of us. I trust you're willing to learn?"
I blinked so hard I think I strained the muscles in my eyelids. They had been incredibly kind to me, but... but this... this was advanced kindness. Or, what some people would call compassion. I remembered this feeling.
Before I could further contemplate the emotion. A sound to my left drew my attention.
An alabaster stallion, like myself, only smaller, and blonde, exited the hedge maze in a huff, kicking up grass in a tantrum. I don't know exactly what he was so upset about, but the appearance of his messy fur would suggest that he had tripped. Was that what he was so upset about?
The stallion noticed Celestia first and quickly brightened up, letting out a whinny and trotting in her direction. Then he noticed me and froze in terror. I guess I'm a little intimidating.
Celestia rolled her eyes with a sigh. She began calling and beckoning to him like he was dog. "Blueblood. You little chicken, come over here and greet our guest. That's it. There's a good boy."
Slowly and timidly. The stallion practically crawled towards her on his belly, traveling in an arc so as to put her in between us. Using her as a shield? That's just disgraceful and disgusting. I really hoped that that wasn't an example of this world's masculinity.
When he finally reached her, Celestia bent down stroked his mane softly. "My dear nephew, when will you grow a spine?" She turned to me. "Offer him your hoof, it will help him calm down."
I did as I was told, seeing no other option. Good grief. My hoof was almost the size of his head. Now he seemed even more terrified of me. Almost as though he thought I was about to crush him. But, Celestia held him firmly in place, reassuring him in her motherly voice.
"It's okay, Blueblood. The nice stallion isn't going to hurt you. He's a gentle giant." She continued stroking him in soothing motions. "You know I would never put you in danger."
Slowly. Again. Boy was this stallion a lethargic coward. He reached out his own hoof and placed against him. I remained still. I guess, maybe because I didn't stomp him into paste, that he was actually reassured by this. He touched the giant, and the giant didn't hurt him.
"There you go, Blueblood, good boy," Celestia chuckled as the stallion shakily stood back up on all fours and looked me in the eye. She patted his head and stood back up herself. "This is Selfen Surt. I want you to be nice to him."
He was obviously still uncomfortable around me, as he was still keeping Celestia between us. But his tail wagged in a careful fashion.
"Not a brave one, I take it?"
The mare shook her head in despair. "He's a spoiled, lazy, coddled little brat most of the time. His mother thinks he's simply becoming a proper high-society stallion. A little monster is what he is." She rubbed Blueblood's ear gently. "But, he is my nephew, and I do love him. I try my best to change him, but his mother is quick to reverse everything I do."
I didn't say anything for a bit. "His mother? Is he Luna's son?"
Celestia threw her head back and laughed. "Hardly. It's really more of a traditional honorary relationship that I shall explain another time."
"Oh," I was amused by this bit of information. "Speaking of Luna. Where has she been for the past several hours?"
"Oh, arranging the investigation, your temporary sleeping chambers, and the discussing plans for the wedding," Celestia replied with a shrug. "As I am the more patient sister, I agreed to watch over you for the day."
Part of that caught my attention.
"Planning a wedding?" I asked. "Whose?"
She gave me a long, hard stare of disbelief. "Yours and ours."
It was then, as my high school English teacher was rolling in his grave, that I found out what a consort was.
I needed to sleep. Celestia escorted me to the palace infirmary where they performed a lengthy check up. Again, I'm not sure if it was an invasive procedure, or that they seemed to like touching my block and tackle. Every time I protested, they would just blush and go ahead and do it more. Almost as if they liked hearing my voice.
I think I just answered my own question. They've never heard a deep, masculine voice before. I think they really like it.
Thankfully, Celestia came to my rescue before they could start "taking samples". But Celestia did insist on extracting some blood. That was fine. But some of the doctors were requesting another sample. You know what they wanted.
Celestia declined, thankfully, and had me taken to a room that had been prepared for me. After a quick tour to show me the bathroom (squatty potty if you must know), and a buzzer to call for help or food, she left me alone to go talk to her sister.
But not before she said that her sister would be coming later, and that I was to get some sleep before then. I really wasn't going to argue. I'd been awake for days. Well, three days before appearing in this world, and about nine hours here. A rough guess.
Suffice to say, I was prepared to fall asleep and never wake up. Boy that sounded darker than it was meant to.
At least they gave me a bed. I was half expecting some newspapers or an old cushion. I really hope that that's not what the males in this world have to deal with. That would just about be cause for war in my book.
Drat. Where were my books? I know I always carried them with me into battle. But in that last one, I may have lost them. I can always recreate them, sure, but I'd had them ever since I began my conquest. Maybe they were still back in that alley I staggered out of.
Dangit. Sleep would have to wait a couple minutes more. I rang that stupid buzzer.
Not even a second later, there was a knock on the door.
"Um, sir? Did you need something?" came the cautious voice from the other side.
I stared at the doorknob. Damn. "Open the door and come in here already."
"EEP." The door opened and pegasus a mare bustled in. Huh, she was even wearing a cute little French maid outfit. She stared at me in wonder and amazement. "So it is true. There is a stallion who can talk."
"And read and write, thank you very much," I told her with a toothy grin. She took a step back, laughing nervously. "But, down to business, as I am about ready to pass out. Kindly inform Captain Ivy that I think I may have lost some items in an alley near where they found me."
Speaking of the captain. I hadn't seen her ever my first meeting with the princesses.
"And you want them retrieved?" the maid asked timidly.
I gave her a deadpanned stare.
"No I want them left there for some stranger to find and possibly destroy."
"My apologies," she gulped. "W-will that be all?"
I nodded. "Yes, thank you... Miss..."
"Beet, sir," she responded. "My name is Sugar Beet."
"Thank you, Miss Beet," I told her with a sincere smile. "That will be all, thanks."
I fell upon the bed after she left, rolling from one end to the other so as to cocoon myself in a blanket burrito. Not a moment later, I was sound asleep. Well, as sound I have been able in the past few years.
The sun was shining overhead, reflecting off my visor. My armor clung snuggly to my body as I sat atop a tank baring my flag. Behind this tank was a full battalion of them, and each bore my flag as well. Helicopters flew over head and the rumblings of jets could be heard in the distance.
They were probably looking for me.
If only these tanks worked. They were just hollow metal skeletons. Rusted and full of holes, and older than my grandfather. It made me wonder, who would leave these old relics out in the middle of the desert to rust away to nothing? They belonged in a museum, or, at the very least, sold for scrap metal.
Why were they bearing my flag? I put them on. Why? I was bored.
But that seemed about to change. Those helicopters were flying in tighter and tighter circles now. Any moment now it would be business as usual.
Then something unusual happened.
They were gone. The helicopters, I mean. No, they didn't fly away. One moment they were there, and the next... not.
I considered this as I snuggled against the rusty metal that been my bed. Maybe I could get some rest.
"What is this creature you have become?" a familiar voice inquired.
Opening my eyes, I saw Princess Luna before me. Huh... something was off.
"Can I help you, Luna?" I asked, quirking my eyebrows.
She stared at me for a moment. "I know it's you, Selfen Surt. But... it's not you. And this... this isn't Equestria... where are we?"
"My home," I answered simply. "At least... as near as I could ever get. Used to be quite nice. As far as I can remember."
Luna was quiet for a long time, taking everything in. "Are you not an alicorn of our fair nation? Have you been deceiving us?"
I shook my head. "How could I? You were all so amazed by the fact I could talk that you neglected to ask any personal questions. Such as my hopes and dreams, where I was from. What my favorite food is... pancakes, by the way. I love pancakes."
"You could have told us," Luna snorted.
"Does it change anything?" I stared her down as I sat up. The movement of my body apparently alarmed her, and she backed up. "Let's examine the plain and simple, all encompassing fact... I'm already enough of a weirdo in your world. Besides, I would have told you, eventually."
"Oh, really?"
I nodded. "Of course. I've been running alone for many years. It was only a matter of a days before I cracked and began telling everyone my life story. Even if you aren't real."
She was taken aback quite forcefully. "I beg you pardon?"
"Granted." I grinned, she scowled, we both laughed. "Anyway. I've cracked. Here I am back on earth, and now your here with me... My guess is that this is all some feverish dream as my mutilated body is being dragged through the streets of some city while every one cheers and throws stuff at me."
She gasped in horror.
"I really wish it was real," I mentioned as an aside. "You were both nice to me... kind to me... in ways I can't recall any one else being."
I suddenly found my head pressed up against her bosom as she embraced me tightly. Damn. Helmet's in the way.
"But we are, real," she pleaded with me. "This desolation is the dream."
I wriggled out of her grasp and rolled over the edge and off of the tank, where I stood up. Funny, I was at eye level with her chest in this form. Not a bad view, if I do say so myself. Though, they were still a little small.
"I want you to be real," I told her, sighing. "I want that whole weird place you call home to be real. But then, if you were actually real, if you saw this, you would not welcome me so warmly. I'm a freak in your world... as I am in mine."
I reached up and removed my helmet, letting my unkempt, matted hair free. I turned my dirty face towards Luna and grinned. "If I ever wake up... I hope I remember both you and Celestia. The most unusual girls I have never met."
For some reason Luna was smiling at me. Funny. I would have thought my subconscious would be acting more sympathetic, as I am prone to moments of pathetic self-pity. Maybe my subconscious was fed up with me.
"Tell me, Selfen," she inquired, "in your world, is the order of things reversed? Are the females the ones who cannot talk?"
An odd change of subject. But, why not?
"They talk too much for my taste," I commented with a chuckle. "But... they were lovely and I did love them... some more than others. This upstart of an emperor knew what he liked and liked what he knew."
Luna, who was laughing with me, paused. "Emperor?"
"It was bargain day at the supermarket and they were just passing the title out," I chuckled dryly.
Luna nodded, giving me a curious stare. "You are a most unique individual, Selfen Surt."
I shrugged. "Well, I can hardly claim to be average. And I'm no liar, Luna. Believe it."
"I do," she said with an understanding nod. She looked at the sky as though there was something there. When I looked, all I saw was the sky. No sun. Dreams are weird. "Well, I really must be heading off, Selfen. I will leave you to your slumber."
"I may sleep for a couple days," I warned her.
"I understand," she replied with another nod. "I shall inform the staff to leave you be. Oh, and Selfen..."
"Yes?" I asked as I sat down on the sand and leaned my back against the tank.
"When you wake up, we will do all in our power to help you, and get to know you. Our home is yours as well."
I just smiled at her and watched as she vanished.
"Dreams is crazy," I muttered as I relaxed. "Though, it is stranger than usual. It's the first dream I've ever had where I'm not running."
You know those times you have a great dream, but you forget it almost immedietely after you wake up? Perhaps sometimes you felt there was something important you wish you could remember? Ever had that feeling?
That's what I felt after waking up. I think it had something to do with Luna. But it was too foggy to recall much, and I was too hungry to care.
Remembering the buzzer, I quickly pressed it and requested pancakes from the miad who answered the door. No, it wasn't Sugar Beet. But she was no less cute... Great! I'm going native already. Has it really been that long since my last time?
Was there ever a first time? Ugh. I've taken too many hits to the head.
Wait, that's right, I had two kids. Aaaand, now I'm sad again.
Should have asked for some alcohol to go with those pancakes. They do have alcohol, right? Sweet merciful heavens. What if they didn't?
Well, if that's the case. Then I would just have invent it and then to show these ponies how to really party. For some reason I felt as though an excessively pink and happy pony was laughing at me. Strangely specific, I know.
When the maid returned with my pancakes, a veritable mountain of them, I asked her about the alcohol. Praise all that is holy, my fears were for not. I asked for dark beer, a lot of it.
And boy did she deliver.
"Princess Luna requests your audience in the palace spa once you've finished your breakfast, sir," the maid said excitedly, loving every time I responded to her. My voice was a tool to be abused.
I thanked her and she blushed something fierce. However, I stopped her when she turned to leave.
"Wait, please."
She turned and gave me a sweet smile. "Yes, sir? Is there anything else I can do for you?"
I gestured towards the door. "Could you leave that door ajar so that I'm not Trapped in here."
The mare gave me an odd look. "Trapped? But it is not locked." She turned around to stare at the door. "Hey, you two outside?"
Two heads peered around either side of the door. Mares in golden armor. Huh, they were guarding me. There were probably some outside the windows as well. Just to be safe, I stole a quick peek under the bed.
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Hello, sir," waved the cute fanged pony beneath the bed. She wore dark blue armor, and had leathery bat wings. Not to mention a pair of lovely draconic eyes. I waved back and gave her smile. She giggled.
I sat back up straight and grabbed a pancake as I watched the dialogue between the maid and the golden guards. Yes, I am going to ignore the fact that there was a possible vampire beneath my bed. She seemed friendly enough.
"Did someone lock this stallion in this room at any point in the last few days?" the maid demanded tersely, giving the guards a stern glare. It was good to know the amount of time I had slept.
They both shook their heads. "Of course not. We'd lose our heads if we tortured this stallion."
The maid's glare darkened.
"Any stallion," the guard quickly corrected herself. "Aurgh. You knew what I meant. Suffice to say, the door has always been unlocked."
"But he says he couldn't get out," the maid responded, waving a hand at me. I really miss hands. It'd be so much easier to hold my stein of beer.
"If he was locked inside, all he would have to do is alert us and we'd force it open for him," the other guard told her. "Every shift has told us that the room has remained quiet. Save for his snoring."
"Learn something new everyday," I muttered. I did not know that I snored. I offered a pancake to the mare under the bed, as I had probably annoyed her all night long. She snatched it away and with a quick "thank you". I had a habit of making friends in strange places, no matter where I went.
How long had she been there anyway?
"I don't understand," the maid groaned as she examined the doorknob with the two guards. "It turns freely on the inside. Nothing's jamming it. How could he not get out?"
"Maybe, because I don't have hands," I spoke up, getting their attention. I held up a hoof for emphasis. "Makes things little complicated, dont'cha think?"
They stared at me like I had just grown an extra pair of eyes. "What?"
"Why didn't you use your magic?" one guard asked, pointed at something on my face. Magic? I think I had heard Celestia talking about that. Or was it Luna?
"What do you mean magic?" I asked, stealthily slipping another pancake to the mare under the bed. "Am I supposed to rip my hooves off to discover I've had hands this whole time?"
"Ugh, I hope not," one guard cried, turning green.
"Why would you even think that?" the other guard asked.
The maid looked thoughtful for a moment. Then she seemed to come to a conclusion. "Wait, I think I know what it is." She came up and gave me a hug. Rather physical, these ponies are. "We have to remember. He's an abused stallion, found wandering the streets. Whatever cruel mare held him captive must have neglected him something awful for him not to know what magic is."
Gee. These ponies were practically writing a backstory for me. Maybe I should stop them before they decide to publish it as a twelve part saga. Complete with a movie deal and a spin-off Saturday morning cartoon show.
She pushed herself back and patted the top of my head, though she had to stand on her tiptoes and jump just to reach. I think she forgot she had wings. "Don't worry. The princesses are going to make it all better for you. And we'll punish those monsters that did this to you."
The spa, to say the least, was impressive. Marble floors, a steam room, hot tub, massage tables, mud baths (do those things really work), and plenty of other things I could in no way recognize.
After my guard had escorted me to said spa, an attendant greeted me and led me to the steam room where a surprse was waitng for me. I was so taken from what I saw that I had to be pushed into the room by the guards and more spa attendants, as I had frozen up.
Where they slid me, the floor was wet so it wasn't that hard, only made it worse.
On either side of me was Princess Luna and Princess Celestia, as well as six other ponies of various colors. Which wouldn't be bad, if it weren't for the fact that they were all in their birthday suits.
I was so going native, whether I liked it or not.
"So nice of you to join us, Selfen Surt," Celestia smiled as she stroked my neck gentely. "My, you're so tense. Are you scared of something? Luna assured me you had no nightmares."
That snapped me out of it. "What? How could she know?"
The other mares in the room all gasped and began whispering amongst themselves. I ignored them.
Looking at Luna, she smiled. My eyes were quickly drawn down a short ways. She didn't seem to mind. "I can travel the dreamscapes. Don't you remember our conversation?"
I looked back up at her face, and stared for the longest time. She wasn't serious was she? What goes on inside my head is sacred. I spoke carefully. "I can't recall what I dreamed. Please, refresh my memory."
"Well, upon entering your dream, I detected you were feeling some mild distress," Luna said as she sat back on the bench. "I used a spell to calm your mind, and then found you, transformed, lounging upon a strange metal monument."
Okay, I was starting to remember a few things.
"The place you were in was a desulote wasteland of sand, you said it was your home." Luna gave me a sympathetic look. "You also said that it used to be beautiful."
"My home?" I asked myself, thinking back. It was a rather barren wastlenad these days. I had made sure of that. So, it was legit, she could look inside my head. But, then, none of this was real, right?
I just had this stupid feeling.
"I confronted you, and, I apologize, I accused you of deceaving us." She did look sorry, casting her eyes down at the floor in shame. "But, you were open and honest with me, Selfen. You weren't afriad of what I might think of you."
"She told us that you said you were from a different world," a voice piped up, prompting me to turn and see a purple pony. Like Celstia and Luna, she had both wings and a horn. "Is that true? Are you from a serperate planet? or an alernate universe? or perhaps an entirely different dimension?"
"Yes, yes, and yes," I quickly told her. Hey, it was as good an answer as any. Again, My eyes were drawn downwards. Damn, it's been a long time. She didn't seem to mind either. Then again, she seemed more like the type who wanted to dissect me in the name of knowledge.
"Is it also true that the males of your world speak and stand upright." Her mouth was going a mile a minute. I answered to the affirmative. She seemed ecstatic. Her horn lit up and notebook appeared in her hands, along with a quill and bottle of ink.
"Whiskey - tango - foxtrot!" I yelped and practically leapt across the room in shock. My wings flaring out involuntarily. I stared at the purple pony in amazement. What had just happened?
They all became bewildered at my actions, a couple of them, specifically a white one and a cute yellow one, took a step back. The purple one didn't even seem to notice as she jotted down notes in the book. Celestia was holding her palms out in a disarming gesture, same as Captain Ivy had done when she found me.
The others just seems to be waiting to see what would happen next.
"Twilight," Luna chided, the purple one. "For a filly who claims to be so smart, how can you be so dumb?"
"Huh? What?" Twilight asked, looking up from her book. "Hey, where'd he go?"
Wow. What an egghead. A nuke could go off next to her and she would wouldn't even bat an eye. Well, she'd be vaporized before she knew what was going on anyway. But you get the idea.
Celestia turned to the pony, who I now knew was named Twilight. "You frightened him, Twilight. Put that book away, there will be time for that later."
"But... but...," Twilight sputtered, but a glare from the white princess subdued her. "Yes, Celestia. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize to me, apologize to him," Celestia told her, pointing in my direction.
I watched as Twilight swiftly stepped up in front of me, head bowed. "I'm sorry for scaring you, sir. I promise I'll try to control myself in the future."
Not knowing what else to do, I reached out a hoof and patted her on the head. "Ah, no need for that. Stuff like that doesn't happen where I'm from. You can't just materialize a book out of nowhere and not expect some sort of reaction."
"Ha, big tough guy's scared of a little magic, is he?" asked another one of the mares, this one blue with a rainbow mane and tail. She had a cocky air about her, and a tomboyish glint in her eyes. Which, I supposed, helped make up for the fact she was noticeably shorter than the rest of the assembled mares. At least she could claim the biggest bust in the room.
"We don't exactly have magic where I come from," I responded with a snort. "Well, nothing like what I just saw. It's mostly just smoke and mirrors, not pulling stuff out of thin air."
The mare rolled her eyes. "Yeah-yeah. Excuses and more excuses."
Was she serious? I tilted my head. "Are you trying to pick a fight with me?"
She started. "W-what? N-no. Er, that is, I mean." She was bad at recovering. "I'm sizing you up, pal. Maybe everyone else is fascinated by you, but I don't believe for one minute that a stallion could really ever talk. You're probably a changeling spy or something. Maybe even an advanced golem. I'm onto you, buster."
"I don't even know what half those things are, short stack," I snorted. She took offense to that.
"Short stack?" she cried, balling her hands into fists. "Why, I oughta..."
She was quickly wrapped and a blue field of light and yanked back and forced to sit on the bench beside Luna, whose horn glowed the same color. Interesting. I'll be remembering that. Luna gave the short mare a glare and shake of her head.
"That was most uncalled for, Rainbow Dash," the princess scolded her.
Rainbow Dash harrumphed and crossed her arms in front of her chest sourly. "Yeah. Let's punish the mare trying to keep everyone safe."
"He ain't lying about anything," an orange mare spoke up, glaring at Rainbow Dash, as were a couple others. This didn't seem to placate the sour mare.
The orange one turned to address me. "I'm mighty sorry about our friend. She tends to be a hothead, but is really a sweet filly when you get to know her."
"Am not," the mare in question protested. "Don't tell him that, Applejack."
Applejack shook her head and grinned. "Or else what, sugarcube?"
Wait. Wasn't her name Rainbow Dash?
"Anyway, I think introduction are long overdue," Applejack said after clearing her throat. "The name's applejack, partner. You've Met Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash."
So her name was Rainbow Dash. Right?
She then turned to the other two ponies. "And these here are Fluttershy..."
The yellow one blushed and hid behind her mane shyly. Wow. Her color pattern was so soft and easy on the eyes. I kind of felt the desire to cuddle her like a teddy bear. Not that I ever cuddled with teddy bears. Honest.
"And I'm Rarity, darling," the white one with the purple mane cut Applejack off. She eyed me in what I could only describe as hunger. Despite the fact I was towering over her and probably outweighed her by a few hundred pounds, I still felt a bit nervous. "My goodness, I can only imagine the grocery bills."
A laughed a bit. "A pleasure to meet you Rarity."
She blushed and waggled her fingers at me in a sultry fashion.
"And greetings Applejack."
She tipped her hat at me. What kind of person wears a hat in a steam bath? Moving on.
"I won't bite, Fluttershy."
Egad, I think she looked disappointed. Don't think - don't think. Move on.
"I hope we get to know each other better in the future, Rainbow Dash."
She just rolled her eyes and looked to the side.
"I look forward to telling you all about my world, Twilight."
She clapped her hands and tittered excitedly.
"So, that everyone?" I asked.
Applejack scratched her head. "No. Pinkie Pie? Where'd you get off to?"
"Where the good stuffs at," a voice from behind startled me.
I whipped around to see an excessively pink happy mare sitting cross-legged on the floor. Something felt familiar about her.
"What were you doing?" I asked suspiciously.
"Same thing they're all doing now," Pinkie pointed with a grin.
I turned to see where she was pointed. All the mares seemed to be examining my backside. Rarity and Rainbow Dash's mouths hung open, and they were drooling. Yipes. The rest were just blushing. But, what really caught my attention was the fact that Pinkie was sitting on the bench next to Rainbow Dash. How had she moved so fast?
I turned so that my proper end faced them and sat down. I couldn't help but blush myself and apologize. "Ahem. Sorry about that."
"About what?" Fluttershy asked. Breaking her silence for the first time. Was she panting?
I had no idea how tense I was until the princesses and their guests led me to a massage table. Two, actually. They had to lay down two large table for me to properly lay down upon. A couple of pretty mares were then called to set about giving me a deep tissue massage.
It... Felt... Great.
I don't know if it was a great massage, as I've never had a massage before. I hated being touched by people. But, after being alone for so long, I was definitely rethinking my old stance on physical contact. Also, I'm not even embarrassed to say that I was giving out the most pornographic moaning sounds ever.
"Oh my, poor dear," one of the attendants cooed as she kneaded my shoulders. "I've never felt such tight knots in my life. Must be from too much hard work and not enough play, huh, big guy?"
Eye closed in ecstasy, I chuckled. "I guess you could say that. I haven't had a day of in over five years."
She patted me on the head. "Oh. A big brave stallion like you needs a great big herd of mares to help him relax."
It was nice being treated like this. I'm was really beginning to hope I didn't wake up. Wow, that was dark of me to say. Bad Selfen. Shame on you. Get with the program. I still had to find a way wake up and get back on with my life. Now, if only I could remember where I was before appearing in this world. That might help me snap out of it. Can't help but think I'm missing something.
A giggle prompted me to open my eyes. Two pleasant pink orbs were laying on the table in front of me. Blinking to clear the fog from my eyes, I found that, just above the orbs was a big smile, two blue eyes and an incredibly poofy mane.
"Can I help you, Ms. Pie?" I asked, taking a quick peek at her plump breasts before looking her in the eye.
"As long as I can return the favor," she bounced her brow suggestively. She giggled again. "But, more to the point... I heard that you think that this is all a dream. Is that true, Mr. Surt?"
Screw it, I'm looking at her chest. "Yeah. What of it?"
She inched her bosoms closer to my face. "I'm just wondering, you know. You seem to be enjoying your massage."
I chuckled. "Yeah. It's pretty great. Never had one before. Wouldn't have imagined it'd feel this good."
Looking around, I noticed the princesses and the others seemed to have disappeared. "Where'd everybody go?"
"Oh, your massage was taking so long, and you really seemed to be enjoying it, and they didn't want to disturb you, so they went to the hot tub to talk while you finished up here." My word, she had a pair of lungs.
"Talk about what?" I inquired as I watched her inch even closer.
"How to prove to you that this isn't a dream, silly," she chuckled whilst booping my nose with a finger. "What else would we be trying to do?"
I rolled my eyes. "Great. My subconscious is attempting to keep me locked inside a fairytale for all eternity."
"I know, isn't it awesome?" the pink one cried out cheerfully. I couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm. Her boobs were practically touching my face now. Not quite, but almost. C'mon, babies, you can do it, just a little further. I don't care if their not real, I just want to touch them.
What's that? Think I'm a lecherous pervert? Let's see you go five years with zero sexual stimulation and see how well you fair. I'm just lucky my "friend" hasn't made an appearance yet.
After all, I am a gentleman. Kind of. When it suits me. Almost never. Ugh, moving on.
Well, I never got the chance anyway. The mare just stood back up, taking away those lovely boobs of hers and kissed my nose.
"Not yet, big guy," she giggled as she turned and swished her tail in my face. "Come and join us once you're done your massage."
Well, no matter how eager I was, they were going to have to wait a while. My masseuses still had a ways to go, and I was all too willing to let them finish. I think I may have even dozed off for a bit. Nah, screw that. They loosened a certain muscle and I was out like a light. What muscle? I don't know, but I hope they remember when I wake up.
Well, I guess it's time for another dream within a dream.
Well, Luna was there again. As well as her sister Celestia, and the other six ponies they had introduced me to. Yeah, and in case you were wondering, yes, they told me who they were, the elements of harmony, who have saved Equestrian on multiple occasions. Cool. We'd get along fine, I was sure.
"Hello," I greeted them, back in my human form. Celestia and the other six gave me odd looks. Well, Fluttershy was looking at me in wonder, and Pinkie was hopping about like giddy lamb.
You know, I think she might annoy some people. But, not me. It's nice to see happy people.
"Selfen?" Celestia asked, striding up to me. Unlike Luna, her chest was above my head. Still a nice view. "Is that really you?"
I nodded, removing my helmet. "Yep. In the flesh and bone."
"Oh my, so filthy," Rarity cooed, walking up to me and wiping my face with her hands. I pushed her hands away and shook my head. "Is something matter, darling?"
"You wouldn't like what's under all the dirt," I explained as I turned around to get a look of the place. "Huh. This... doesn't look like anything."
We appeared to be standing in a void. I didn't see a floor, but I wasn't going to argue. "Well. This is different."
"I wanted to keep you free of distractions, Selfen," Luna spoke up, giving me a kind smile. Distractions? The fact they were all naked was very distracting. But I was not going to tell her that. "We want help you understand that we are quite real."
"Uh-huh," I nodded slowly. "How are you going to do that?"
"By showing you how you arrived here." I asked her to explain. "We believe something horribly traumatizing must have happened to you. That is why you refuse to accept our world."
"Perhaps if we went back through your memories until before you... arrived," Twilight suggested. I figured it was more just so she could see another world, rather than any sympathy she may have had for me.
Also, it kind of seemed as though a few weren't convinced.
"What could it hurt?" I shrugged. "Let's review what happened. Shall we?"
"That was the plan," Twilight stated, giving me an odd look. "Didn't I just say that?"
I rolled my eyes. "Just get on with it."
The void around us shifted and I found myself in a familiar situation. Trapped in that filthy suit of armor back in my equine form, in that alley I had... woken up in... I think. Boy. Maybe I really did need this.
"Um, you might need to go a little further back," Celestia mentioned as I observed their reactions. The other six hadn't seen me when I was trapped in that suit, and their reactions were rather...
"Oh, you poor dear," Rarity gasped.
Fluttershy covered her mouth and whimpered with her eyes wide open. Even Rainbow Dash seemed rather taken aback. Applejack looked like she was on the verge of hunting down and lynching someone. And Pinkie's mane seemed to have deflated as tears brimmed in her eyes.
Gee. Suddenly I was feeling very self conscious. I'm really not used to all this compassion I've been getting lately. Wow, that's really depressing when I think about it.
"Who did this to you?" Applejack suddenly demanded, halting Twilight from sending us any further back in time. "What kind of mare stuffs a stallion inna such a suit in the middle of summer?"
I would have teased: "So it's okay the rest of the year?" if it weren't for my mouth being confined in that stupid helmet. Again. Strange how this dream within a dream was acting so... physical. This has been the most fun I've ever had in a dream.
"Supposedly, he stuffed himself in it." Luna explained. "In his own world, that is. The transformation apparently made it irremovable, due to his physiology."
I grunted loudly to let them know I was rather uncomfortable in my present appearance.
"Moving on," Luna cleared her throat and lit up her horn. "Let's go back a bit more."
Well, this I was back in my human form. That was much better. But it didn't seem to lighten their mood any. The bodies piled up everywhere seemed to disturb them to no end. Typical.
Fluttershy couldn't handle it and, with a few desperate pleas to Luna. She vanished. Yeah. Just like that. Curious.
"What is this?" Celestia asked in horror at the bloodbath.
"I'm thinking, hold your horses," I told them as I tried to recall what had happened hear. They remaining five mares, giantesses not included, gasped. Oh yeah, I forgot, horse means whore to them. Whatever, they'll get over it. Right now the familiarity of this is just nagging at me.
"Well, I'm totally lost," I conceded, tossing up my arms in defeat. For the life of me, it was going to take a bombshell for me to remember.
"Well, what about that?" Twilight asked, pointing at something above me. I looked up.
Talk about a bombshell. The giant cone of steel just inches from my face. Ah, yes. Now I remember. I was striking an epic pose whilst my enemies ran off in every other direction. Useless, but understandable.
"Oh, that's an intercontinental nuclear missile," I explained, noticing now that everything seemed to be frozen in time. Convenient. "Oh. Now I remember. This was supposed to be my final battle against those backstabbing worms who I once called friends. I wanted to go out in style, so, as their two million man army descended upon me, I called it in to drop right atop of my head."
"What's an intercontinental nuclear missile?" Twilight asked. I was impressed at how she had so quickly learned to pronounce it. Then again, this was just a dream.
"It's a giant bomb that can be launched from one of the world to the other with pinpoint accuracy and explode with the force of an erupting volcano," I explained to her I would a child. Dear heavens above. Was she drooling? "Needless to say. That army was no match for me once this thing hit the ground. A flaw in its design. It's supposed to exploded a half mile above ground so as to cause maximum cataclysmic damage."
I shrugged. "But, when you're on the run, you can't be too picky with your weapons of mass destruction."
My goodness. There was that nagging feeing again. Was I missing something? Hmm.
I also noticed that everyone was silent and staring at the bomb hanging above my head in awestruck amazement. Well, Twilight looked like she wanted to mate with it. Hehe. The literal nuclear family.
"How are you even alive?" Rainbow Dash demanded of me, finally snapping out of her stupor. Funny, she sounded rather concerned for me. A far cry from earlier. What's with the sudden change of heart?
I opened my mouth to answer, but no words came out as I suddenly came to a very startling discovery. Needless to say, I curled up into the fetal position and cried like a baby.
I'm not quite sure how I ended up back in my room. Though, I would hazard a guess that they transported me there while I was in the middle of my panic attack. Yeah, there were a lot of things to think over now that I had found out I was trapped in an alternate universe for real. On one hand... hoof now, woohoo, I'm alive. On the other... I'm trapped in an alternate universe for real.
I'm sure someone has written the proper protocol for this sort of thing. But, screw that. Hiding under my blankets was good enough. Well, I did take several trips to the bathroom. But, besides that, I was under those blankets.
No, I wasn't scared or anything. I was terrified out of my freaking mind like any sane person would be.
I've faced down entire armies by myself before, and even dropped a nuke on myself. But this was something I had never seen coming. Ever. Not even in my wildest dreams. Okay, no, that was a lie. I've had some pretty wild dreams before. Like that one when I was a kid, about a Sesame Street where everyone was a cannibal or pirate, and there was fire that turned water into refried beans.
Whatever. Back to the present.
I'm not sure how long I was hiding like a child scared of the monsters in his closet, but I do know that the maids had delivered food at a few different points. They even tried to encourage me to come out and greet, trying to bribe me with treats. Apparently they made treats specifically for the stallions of this world. If I wasn't so terrified, I might have found it paradise.
Oddly, they always thanked me for eating the food after they left. I never touched any of it. My money is on the bat under my bed. Sneaky little girl. At least she hasn't disturbed me.
"Alright, you've moped long enough, colt." Until now.
"Oof," was my response as she landed atop of me.
"You're making your friends worry like hens at a wolf party," she continued to leap upon my stomach mercilessly. But I was not to easily taken for an easy mark by anyone.
Timing it perfectly, I threw up my blankets and caught her like a fish in a net. Then I twirled the blanket and made sure she was tightly confined.
"What friends?" I asked with a sigh as I watched her struggle. I hoped she had enough air.
She did.
"Everyone inside this castle," was her muffled, yet still loud, reply. That surprised me enough to release my hold on the blankets. She was quick to throw them off and gasp in a breath of fresh air. A dirty look later, she continued her explanation. "We're all worried about you, Sir Selfen. Well, only the princesses and the elements know why you're acting like this, but the rest of us are in the dark and concerned. Even that spoiled brat Blueblood has come around to see if you want to play."
"Seriously? him?" I asked. That was shocking. "That coward looked about ready to wet himself when we met... and we only met once."
"He's a stallion," she replied with a huff. "You be nice to him, nice to his family, and he's your friend forever. Even if he is a little prick most of the time."
I snorted. "It's really degrading that the males of this world are basically nothing but dogs."
WHAP!
I blinked at the mare who had just slapped me. She wrung her stinging had as she glared daggers at me.
"Don't ever compare a stallion to an animal," she growled warningly, baring her teeth. "They may be primitive and rely on us mares to keep them healthy and out of danger, but they are our sons, brother, fathers, and husbands. Just because you're special doesn't make them any less or loved ones."
"That's not what I was intending," I told her with a tilt of my head. "But it does give some insight into your culture. You put a very high price on masculinity, don't you?"
The mare nodded. "Of course. They may be few in number when compared to us mares, but they protect us, comfort us, and do their best to provide for our needs. It's only right that we should repay them in any way we can. Didn't the mares of your old home do the same."
"They were very fickle and wishy washy most of the time," I replied, turning away from her. I loved women, really I did. They were beautiful creatures that I could easily admire. But, they changed far too much and too often to ever truly enjoy. One day they'd be fawning over my throne, the next they'd be trying to collect the reward on my head. Then again, what do I know really about women?
I sighed sadly. What did I really know about anything? The entire world rose up to kill me. My empire crumbled within a matter of hours and I was just too hardheaded to let them kill me. Even dropping a nuke on my head had failed to do anything. No matter how much I had succeeded in my life, it always failed spectacularly in the end.
"Forget what I said. I really have no answer," I finally told her. "My life's just been a mess. I've never really had any direction. And there's no doubt in my mind that it'll just get worse from here on."
"Ugh, how emo can you get?" the mare groaned as she sidled up beside me and sat down, leaning against my barrel. Yes, I know that term. "We'll all help you, Selfen. If you'll allow us. Maybe that's been your problem. Have you ever... um, relied on anyone else to help with your problems before?"
I shook my head and looked her in the eye with a sniff. "No one's ever helped me before."
"No one?"
I shook my head again. "Well, whenever people have offered, they tend to just try and take control and ruin everything I envision. So I stopped asking for help, and carved my own path. It was just easier to have people fall in behind me than to let them do any of the work for me. After all... if you want something done right... you've got to do it yourself."
"And yet you have nothing but our charity," the mare was quick to respond. She seemed to quickly regret it.
Well, after some much needed emotional release, I was back to my manly self. As much as a technicolored pony could be, that is. That bat, I am so going to ask her for her name at some point, and then I'm going to make sure that she is rewarded for her hard work and diligence.
Hopefully that will keep her from biting my neck. Still don't know if she's a vampire or not, but, why take chances?
Once again, I was at a loss for how to turn a doorknob and knocked on the door for the guards to let me out. They seemed very happy to see me, as did the usual maid and a few other members of the palace staff. Good grief were they camping outside my door?
It was fun to greet them with a hello in my deep voice and watch them swoon. Hopefully they won't get used to it too soon. I need at least five more years of that reaction.
Well, I wanted to see the princesses, as I had a few questions, and was promptly led directly to them.
I had no idea this castle had an observatory. All the more reason to kick myself. I loved observatories. Best two months of hiding I ever spent back on earth. But, why were they in an observatory in the middle of the day?
"Welcome, Sir Selfen," Celestia greeted me with a fond smile. Her sister looked pleased as well. "We were growing worried. Are you well now?"
"Much better, yes," I assured her. "A... little bat helped me get over myself."
Clestia looked confused, but Luna nodded knowingly.
"I thought that might be the case," she said, smirking at her sister. "Please, join us. We wish to hear your thoughts after..."
"After realizing this isn't a dream, and that I really am in magical la-la land?" I finished for her. They both nodded. "Fair enough. My thoughts... let's see. Oh, yeah... what am I supposed to do now?"
I accidentally said that louder than I meant to. The windows rattled a bit. This body had some lungs.
"What do you mean?" Celestia asked, clearing her throat.
"Forgive me," I said, lowering my voice to a reasonable level. "But, for most of my life I have been fighting a nonstop war against an entire world. But, you see, that's it. I dreamed of ruling the world as a child, and came close to making it a reality."
Wow. I must have been saying all the wrong things. The looks they were giving me were quite telling. Time for damage control.
"But, now I'm stuck in a world that... doesn't need conquering, as far as I've seen."
They seemed flattered, almost, by that.
"Well, Equestria is the finest example of peace and harmony in the world," Celestia declared proudly. I believed her. From what I have seen, that is.
Luna just nodded in agreement. Well, that is something.
"I just don't feel like conquering anything," I admitted with a heavy sigh, slumping at the shoulder and sitting down with a plop. Then promptly stood up with a start. The floor was cold against with jewels. Odd, how comfortable I was with being naked. "What do I do now? It's... all I ever knew."
Celestia came up and patted my head gently. "Fear not, we're here to help you. No way are we leaving as fine a stallion as yourself to the wolves."
Huh. They had that expression too. I felt a little better too.
"And, once we are wed we shall bring thee joy until the lofty hours of the night," Luna declared bluntly with the enthusiasm of a thousand little kids in a candy store. Celestia giggled at her display.
Right. I remember Celestia telling me something about a wedding before. But I had just brushed it off as a part of the dream.
"So I don't get a say in any of these proceedings?"
Celestia's eyes opened in realization. "Oh my. In our excitement at your discovery, we neglected to think you might have differing mating rituals."
Luna's face fell like a dud firework. "No bedroom escapades?"
"Now-now, Luna," Celestia chided her softly. "I'm sure we can work something out. Sir Selfen, have we done something to offend you?"
I shook my head. "No. It was to be expected, after all, the males of this world are not like the ones of my world. So it was to be expected that I be at the mercy of your customs and traditions. All I really have to ask is... are you alright with marrying me? A stranger who just appeared out of thin air about a week ago?"
Luna nodded vigorously. "Of course. A male alicorn of your size and stature is a national treasure."
I laughed. "A national treasure? How is that possible?"
"Because your the only one," she explained in a simple method that even I could understand.
"Well that's the wonderful thing about tiggers," I said in bemusement. I don't think they got the reference. No matter. "Considering I have been without love or companionship for so long... I would be all to happy to share a bed with a lady for a while."
"Forever," Luna told me in a matter-of-factly tone that made me chuckle.
"That would be an even more wondrous thing," I told her. Well, it was a magical place who knows how long I might live.
"Although, there is something we must ask you before the day of the wedding," Celestia spoke up, placing a hand on Luna's shoulder to calm her before she tried to jump my bones.
"And what is that?" I asked kindly.
"What did you think of the six mares who we introduced you to at the palace spa?" She asked with a suggestive smile on her face.
Once again I found myself having food pushed upon me. Was I really that thin? I may know horse, but apparently not that well. Couldn't find anything to complain about though. The food, for some reason, had been getting progressively tastier since the first meal I had eaten in the palace.
Even when it was the same dish, each time I ate it there would be something different. Something better about it. Somewhat of a cook in the previous world, I was genuinely curious. But, it was hard to ask questions when I was stuffing my face.
It was also nice that they didn't seem to expect any form of manners from me, even if I did try to be at least a little polite. I just shoved my face into whatever was pushed my way. Being on the run had taught me how to savor food in a fraction of a second so I wouldn't let down my guard.
I particularly enjoyed the alcohol. It was very rich and the foam was very fizzy. Though, it would seem my new body had an incredible resistance to alcohol. So, drinking away my sorrows was a no go.
At least there was cake. Er, well, somewhat. Celestia was devouring it all at a terrifying rate.
And, I didn't really have too many sorrows left. Well, I had some major ones left. But at least there were only a few of them.
"So, am I confined to the castle, or can I go exploring the city?" I asked out of the blue.
"You may do whatever you wish," Luna told me with a kind smile. "You're not a pet, as you have before so poorly compared yourself. Please do explore our fine city to your leisure. We only ask that you remain with a small escort of guards."
"Let the citizens of Equestria meet their new prince," Celestia declared. "While you are gone, my sister and I will be able to go over a few more proceedings and finish up our royal duties."
Well, this seemed easy enough. "So, you're not afraid some other lady may come along and snatch me away?"
"They wouldn't dare," Luna said simply. apparently, no further comment was needed, as everything became rather quiet, save for Celestia's cake eating. I shrugged and turned back to my bowl of beer.
Yes, a bowl. It was easier to handle than a mug. Also, it was nice that they had strong drinks. It was more than a little worrying that they might have had preference for the lighter sissy drinks. Thankfully, that was not the case. Also made me feel more confident that I wasn't being treated like some high-grade pet. As no one in their right mind would give alcohol to a lowly beast.
Unless you lived in Mumbai. That place was fun to ransack.
"Today then," I stated as I lifted my head. "I think I've enough time indoors. Some fresh air and meeting people would be a welcome change of pace."
"Our little ponies will be excited to see their future prince," Celestia smiled sweetly. All the cakes now mysteriously gone. I not sure, but I think she may just phased them into her stomach or something. How is she so petite? "They have been so eager since we announced the wedding. It has been a little difficult to let them view you, due to..."
"My being overly dramatic?" I finished for her, a little bemused. "Irrational... an absolute crybaby?"
I laughed, but they seemed quite serious.
"You watched your entire world rise up to kill you," Luna said. "Everything you loved and worked so hard for taken from you. Not even I know what that must have been like. The strength you possess is beyond my comprehension."
"It was never so much my strength as it was my brain and unbeatable determination," I coolly said with a flashy smile. "That armored suit I had on when I first walked into your throne room, I made that to compensate for my lack of athletic aptitude."
"You don't seem to be lacking anything from what I can tell," Celestia winked.
Had I not already finished my beer, I would had performed an epic spit-take. Yikes, these ladies were flirtatious. I wondered if one day I might wake up to find one of them in my bed. Well, before the wedding that is. Well, I don't know the customs here.
All I hope is that they're not prudes in the bedroom like my ex-wife. May she rot in hell. At least, I hope she's dead after she killed our kids. The witch.
"Though, we'll need to schedule a few appointments for you between now and the wedding," Celestia said as she looked about for more cake to consume. "And, it has come to my attention, that we should probably inform you of what they are."
"That would help to avoid any misunderstandings," I nodded understandingly. I pointed to my bowl, hoping a nearby maid would get the idea. It was swiftly refilled.
"Well, there is going to be a fitting for the ceremonial saddle and tack," she started while munching on a new cake that had been wheeled out for her. Does diabetes not exist in this world? That would be awesome. "Your crown, of course."
My crown? Well, I guess I was about to become a prince. Came with the territory.
"We have to find the correct mane and tail stylings as well," she continued. "I'm sure Rarity would love to help out with that. It will also help you get accumulated to her. You will also be spending quite a bit around her friends as well before the wedding to get to know each other properly."
Yes, those six were apparently going to be a part of my, ahem, harem as well. Even Rainbow Dash. Why? I had the distinct feeling that she just didn't like me. I wonder if this is one of those arranged things.
Or, she was just a tsundere.
"Assemble and coordinate with an honor guard."
Huh. The last honor guard I had tried to kill me. But, I think I can trust them.
"And get you circumcised," she finished with a nod.
"Say what?" I asked, raising my eyebrows in confusion. "Circumcised? What, as... how does that work?"
I had worked on enough farms and ranches as a kid to know that it was not necessary to circumcise a horse. Was that even possible? Why would it be necessary here?
"Oh, forgive me," she cleared her throat and blushed a bit. "I should have known you wouldn't understand. It's just a royal custom to remove our stallion's sheath."
I looked down between my legs and then back at her. "Do I get any say in this?"
"Uh," she did seemed to know what to say.
"It's tradition," Luna spoke up matter-of-factly.
"So was forcing a widow to jump in a bonfire in India," I said back, watching as they both recoiled in horror. "Thank god the British put a stop to that."
Suffice to say, I said declined their request. I mean, come on. I was already circumcised in my previous life. And that little piece of skin was then sent to a factory to be turned into ladies wrinkle cream. Don't believe me? Look it up, you're on the internet. Little boys are being harvested, and parents are paying for it. It's a racket.
"Well, they took that well," I said to myself as I walked out the front gates of the castle.
Captain Ivy, who sat atop my back as part of my small escort, nodded slowly. "They are very old, Sir Selfen. Change can be hard for them."
"I did sort of read them the riot act, didn't I," I mused as I paused just a few steps past the gates. On either side, another mare riding on a stallion's back paused as well.
"They'll get over it," the captain shrugged, adjusting the pack of bits the princesses had given us for our outing. "My granny got over the fact I didn't subjugate myself to a life of ballet rehearsals... eventually. I hope."
She did ballet? That's actually kind of cool. I wonder if she could still bust a few moves.
"Mommy look at that giant stallion."
"Oh my word, is that the new alicorn?"
"It's the prince, it's the prince."
"Is it true that he can speak?"
"Oh, that was just media sensationalism. No stallion can talk."
"Oh prince, please bless my colt."
That last one was from a mare who had walked right up to me and held out her son for me to bless apparently. Holy crap he was cute. A blue mane and tail, periwinkle fur, and bright green eyes that seemed... scared? Well, I was a giant by comparison, and his instincts were probably flashing a few warning signs.
How does one bless a colt?
I reached out a hoof and gently stroked his mane, which seemed to calm him. I smiled.
"Uh, you're blessed, little guy, live long and prosper," I said, which immediately made the crowd go silent. I sighed a little.
3... 2... 1...
They erupted into cheers and cries of surprise. A few fainted. Were those flowers falling from the sky?
Looking up, I saw a pair of pegasi mares squealing in excitement while unwittingly spilling the contents of the baskets down upon the crowd. I hope they've got more elsewhere, or else there went today's earnings.
Then more mothers carried or dragged their sons and daughters up to me, asking me to bless them. I am nothing if not reliable.
"It's dangerous to go alone, take this."
"May the force be with you."
"Hakuna matata."
"All your base are belong to us."
"Run Forest run."
So on and so on, you get the picture. Then one mother presented her infant to me, a colt, as were a few of the others, but this one had to be a newborn. He was wrapped in a blanket and didn't appear to have any interest in the world around him.
"Please name my son," she asked me, smiling expectantly. Well, she asked for it.
I laid the tip of my hoof against the child's snout as though her were the most fragile thing in the world and smiled. "Your name, from this day forth, shall be... Doctor Doom."
The mare's sudden gasp caused me to recoil and almost throw my rider. Had I done something wrong? Was it possible they had gotten the reference?
"My son is going to be a doctor?" she gaped, bringing the child close to her breasts with one arm, and then throwing the other about my neck in a hug before bolting off into the crowd shouting about her son was named Doctor Doom.
"Alright, that's enough," Captain Ivy finally spoke up, trying to dispel the crowd. "The future prince does not need to be so crowded on his first day about the city. Go back about your day and let him enjoy the city."
The other two mares and their stallion mounts did the same to waving their arms to dispel the crowd. When we were finally given some breathing space, I turned my head questioningly towards the captain.
"Why was she so happy that I named him?" I asked, really wanting an answer so that I can avoid such a thing in the future.
"Don't you know the power of names?" she answered with a question. I hate that.
"Uh, no?" There, a third question, well, half question anyway. Your move shortstop.
"A name defines who you are as a person from the moment of your birth to the day of your death," she explained. "By calling him Doctor Doom, you have ensured his future will be prosperous."
That didn't make sense. "So, if I had named him He-man Master of the Universe..."
"You could only have done that if it was true," she explained with a curt nod. "When a child is named, the magic of the world ensures that only a name that fits the child's future may be granted. Usually it is quite vague, but yours was very clear. A stallion doctor? You are performing miracles already, Sir Selfen."
Or dooming us all. Now that she had cleared that up, I couldn't help but wonder if I had just created a super villain. Was it possible, that not being originally from this world might mean that I've overridden the natural order of things? Or is the poor guy goin got go through life with a ridiculous name like that? Well, maybe I should name the next kid Superman. Hey, I don't have to follow the rules of the DC and Marvel universes. Hell, I could write them both as one universe and make a fortune in this world, and no one could sue me.
"We'll see," I said as I began to walk further out into the streets, the eyes of everyone following me like hawks. Why did I feel so small? "Thank you for not wearing spurs by the way."
"Spurs?" she asked, tilting her head in confusion. "I don't know what your referring to."
"What about a riding crop?"
Again she didn't understand.
"Such a gentle world," I chuckled, much to her annoyance. But, then that was the point. Things were looking up already.
I really don't know what happened. One moment I was walking with my escort through the city, and the next I was laying in the middle of a park, allowing a group of foals to play king of the hill on my back. Captain Ivy and the other fours ponies were close by, watching in amusement.
"Well, I don't know what you were expecting," Captain Ivy chuckled as a colt barreled his way up my back, knocking children left and right. Boy they played rough. Why couldn't my childhood have been like that? "You can't just join in a foal's game and not expect to be treated a like a jungle gym."
"I wanted to see where they were running," I responded as the colt clumsily tried to scramble atop of my head. "I thought maybe there was an ice cream truck or something."
"It was a race, and you took a part in it," she smirked as she watched a few fillies try and gang up on the colt, attempting to use their hands to drag him down before he won.
"So, no ice cream?" I asked, giving her a mock pout.
"We'll get some later, Sir Selfen," she reassured me. She watched as the colt managed to shake off the fillies and finally reach the top of my head, where he grabbed my horn and gave an animalistic victory screech. The captain nodded with a smile. "That one's gonna be an alpha for sure."
"No fair," one of the fillies complained from where she had landed on the ground. Ooh, I just wanted to hug them all. But, I will not commit a cultural faux pa. That's the last thing I need with my perfect track record. "I don't wanna play this game anymore."
The colt slid down my neck and onto my back, striking a pose and letting loose another victory screech. Yeeowch. Did colts scream back on earth? And why did he seem so... predatory? If I did that when I was a kid, my parents would have beaten the hell out of me and told me what an awful child I was.
Speaking of parents, I'm gonna assume that these kids' were in the crowd of curious onlookers that surrounded me at a distance. Well, as long as I didn't do anything stupid and scare the kids I would be just fine. Some of those stallions looked about ready to rush me, and I was in no mood for a fight. Thankfully, the mares seemed to be able to hold them back with gentle words.
The colt leapt off my back and proceeded to lock horns with a couple other colts, a large amount of Canterlot's population was unicorns, and then turned to face me, lowering his head. I half expected him to charge, but he remained still, as though waiting for me too... oh.
I slowly lowered my head and gently crossed my horn with his. Then he squealed in delight and rushed off, the rest of the foals following close behind. Finally, I was free... and wishing they would come back. I hope to have a whole bunch of them one day... Hmmm
I rose up onto all fours and chuckled. "Well, that was a fun experience. So, ice cream now, right."
Captain Ivy rolled her eyes as she jumped up my back. "Well, such a well-behaved young colt does deserve a treat."
"Hey, I am a fully functioning adult," I responded childishly. She just chuckled and pointed me towards a path that supposedly took us to ice cream.
Gelato actually. Chocolate and peanut butter. Good to know they weren't so primitive.
"Sergeant Pomegranate, please come out from under there," Princess Luna said, standing at the foot of the Selfen Sert's bed.
Obediently, the bat pony mare extracted herself and saluted her. "First Sergeant Peeled Pomegranate reporting as ordered, Princess Luna."
The dark alicorn rolled her eyes. "You may dispense with the formalities, Sergeant. I'm here to thank you for helping out our guest."
The bat pony relaxed and smiled. "My pleasure, Princess. The big goof is just about the most pleasant post I've had the honor of protecting."
Luna smiled. "I should hope so. Sharing a bed with a stallion like my poor nephew would be a trial."
"Well, he is quite bullheaded, ma'am," the sergeant snickered.
The alicorn rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "That what makes him a prime stallion for the royal herd. The children we would bear from our union will be great leaders."
"Do wonder if the colts will talk like their father?" mused the sergeant.
"That would be a marvelous thing," Luna said in a tone that said she had already considered it.
"My mother once told me that if a stallion could ever talk all he would do all day is ask to mate."
The alicorn groaned. "Yes, I have met your mother."
"And now it's hard for my brothers to attract mates do her cucking them," Peeled Pomegranate snorted disdainfully. "Subjected the poor guys to 'gentlecolt training'. Turned their instincts inside out and backwards."
"Were this a more civilized age, the other mares in your mother's herd would have driven her off and taken her children as their own," Luna muttered. "How my sister let thing grow so corrupt in my absence I will never know."
"She had to rule alone for a thousand years," the bat pony pointed out. "I would imagine the stress caused her to just let some things slide."
"And many stallions became cucks as a result," Luna huffed. "Back before my banishment it was not uncommon for stallions to stand boldly at the head of their herds and even compete for the affection of unclaimed mares."
"As much I am enjoying this conversation, was there something important you wanted to talk to me about?" Sergeant Pomegranate spoke up, not wanting the subject to be derailed in some sort of rant.
"Ah, yes, forgive me," Luna said, clearing her throat. "I wished to inform you that the future prince will, perhaps no longer need you guarding him from beneath his bed. Looking into his mind and speaking with him, we can be sure that he is no threat to Equestria."
Pomegranate almost seemed disappointed. "Yes ma'am. Shall I return to my old post?"
Luna shook her head. "No. From here on, you are his personal guardian in the night. A proper hanging bed shall be brought in so that you may sleep at the foot of his bed. The floor could not have been so comfortable."
Peeled smiled in realization and nodded. "I was raised clinging upside down to my mother's breast, Princess. Sleeping on the ground is not for thestrals."
Luna nodded. "Of course, if he ever wanted company in the night, you wouldn't decline to sleep beside him on the bed."
Peeled was taken aback and began stuttering. "P-princess Luna? I-I would n-n-never a-assume such an a-action."
Luna rolled her eyes. "I trust you would limit it to merely snuggling. However, after he claims his harem, we would not be opposed to him taking on a few concubines."
"C-concubine?" The sergeant did not know what else to say.
"It will be your choice, Lieutenant Pomegranate," Princess Luna smirked as she turned and headed for the door.
"Uh, it's first sergeant, your highness," the thestral pointed out.
The alicorn stopped and looked at her critically. "Are you calling me a liar, Lieutenant?"
Real people, if a little alien, real food, genuine kindness and smiles, mostly, I hope, and did I mention food? Ugh, I was bloated. So much to try, only one life. I shall go hungry again. Then again, these princesses were already seeing to that in the first place.
Captain Ivy tried to convince me into taking a carriage back to the palace when night came. But I have my dignity to uphold, for what it was worth. Still couldn't get drunk at any of the several and a half taverns we visited. Made their days, but made me get a lecture from the good aforementioned captain about the dangers of excessive drinking and alcohol poisoning.
What does she know? What has she ever needed to forget?
Our arrival back to the palace was greeted by the maid Sugar Beet. Who was quick to escort us to the throne room, where sat and waited the princesses. Though, before we went through the doors, the captain insisted on ensuring we were looking our neatest.
Why argue?
Though... did she just carry a horse brush with her everywhere? And did she have to get so invasive with it?
Anyway...
"Did you enjoy our city?" Luna asked with a smirk as she eyed me up and down.
I nodded. "It was incredible. I can hardly remember a time when a crowd of people weren't trying to bring me down."
"And that killed the mood," Luna sighed, falling back onto the cushions that served as a thrown. Nice idea really. Who needs an annoying chair? "Can you not speak of more pleasant things?"
"That was pleasant," I objected. "Your citizens are kind... rather enthusiastic, and aren't actively trying to kill me. That's really about the best compliment I could give anyone at present."
Unlike her sister, Celestia chuckled. "She's just a hopeless romantic, Selfen. I, however, am glad you feel safe in our kingdom."
Wow. Was their rivalry between them? What was with the one-upmanship?
"Bored you mean," Luna jabbed, "the stuffy nobility scare away all the excitement."
Ooh. It was on.
"They enjoy the peace," Celestia parried.
"No they just want to remain a thousand years behind the times so as to appear sophisticated," lunged the blue one.
"Canterlot has the finest schools in the world," Celestia dodged and retaliated, "where the best and brightest have been taught for centuries."
"With an unmitigated dropout rate," Luna defended. "Were it not for all the pressure from these stuffy nobles and the ridiculous rules they impose, perhaps we wouldn't have so many PHDs working the cash registers at greasy spoons."
Celestia opened her mouth to argue, but then looked down. "On this we can agree. The nobles badgering the professors to keep our students 'controlled' does steal the thunder from their spirits. They love being near such a prestigious place, but can't stand the noise. Were there another solution... I would have instated it years ago."
Luna sighed. "I know sister. Pity we can't just abuse our power and force them to move away."
"Perhaps... it is a little quiet in Canterlot as of late," the white sister commented. She turned to look at me with a broad smile. "Which, is why you will be thrilled to know that you shall be spending time away from the city for a while while wedding preparations are underway."
"Oh, you're talking to me now?" I asked, slightly disappointed the little battle had ended. "Where will I be going? The countryside?"
"The countryside," Luna nodded in amusement. "This palace is far to claustrophobic for a stallion such as yourself. You haven't even gotten a chance to spread your wings yet. We've taken the liberty of packing some bags for you... as you didn't really have many belongings..."
"You do now," Celestia quipped with a chuckle.
Oh dear. Females and packing. Not to mention rich ones at that.
"Ahem, as I was saying," Luna glared at her sister, "we were unable to recover your books as of yet. Trust that we are still searching."
Right, I remember asking for someone to look for them. I hope they're in this world. It'd be a bother to rewrite them from memory.
"You shall also be accompanied by a small armed detachment," hope they were better than my last armed detachment, "as well as two maids to assist and groom you."
Groom? I was gonna get brushed, weren't I?
"She means serve," Celestia clarified. "She's a little out of touch."
I will still get brushed right? Please?
"We've arranged for you to stay at the homes of your other future wives," it was Celestia's turn to speak apparently. "You'll be spending some time with each of them in whatever order you see fit. We thought it best if you decide."
"They have already been informed, and have returned word that they are ready to host you at any point," Luna remarked with a knowing smile. "Though... we ask that you behave yourself, Selfen. Until after the wedding. We could all do without the nobles trying to create a scandal."
Odd. I just had a thought. They treat me like I'm important, but, not once since I've been here, have I met anything resembling a noble. Not that I knew what nobles of this world looked like. Back on earth I had seen and killed plenty. Were they keeping them away from me? Wise move.
"And this warning also means that we can no longer keep the nobles at bay," Celestia pointed out. Ah, so I was right. "Until now we have kept them back with words of reassurance and threats of lawsuits. Once you reach ponyville, however..."
"It will be a battlefield," I finished for her. "Perhaps less violent than I am used to, but I should feel right at home."
"You leave in the morning," Luna said, descending from the throne to place a palm upon my cheek. "Rest assured, my sister and I will do all in our power to make this world your home, Selfen Surt."
"And you need me lure the bulk of the nobility away from Canterlot so that you have fewer distractions and nuisances throughout the day," I smirked at her.
Both she and Celestia's eyes widened.
"Well, we deserve a vacation too, you know."
Sometime later...
"You wished to speak with me, Princess?" Captain Ivy stood at attention in Celestia's private study.
The white alicorn bid her welcome as she casually peered over notes laid upon her desk. "I will simply be blunt with you, Captain. Luna has already chosen and convinced one of her finest night guard to serve as concubine to our husband's harem."
Ivy nodded. "It's a common practice, your highness."
"It is indeed," Celestia agreed. "So I am asking if you are willing to do the same."
Ivy was quiet for a minute. "I would like that very much, princess."
"The speed at you accepted is very telling, Captain Ivy," the solar diarch smiled. "It tells me that you've grown fond of him. You're young and unclaimed, and Sir Selfen is an excellent choice of mates. One whom Luna and I shall ensure only has the finest of mares in his harem."
Ivy nodded. "Of course, Princess."
"He strikes me as someone who respects confidence like that," Celestia nodded. "This of course mean you and Lieutenant Peeled Pomegranate will have to learn to get along now."
The captain's eyes almost bugged out of her skull, and her teeth began to grate. "Peeled Pomegranate, Ma'am?"
Celestia ignored the mare's obvious dislike of the thestral. "This now brings him a total of ten future lovers. This will be a good start."
"How many mares do you think he can handle?" the captain asked, trying to take her mind off of... that mare.
"I took on my last husband a century after Luna's banishment," Celestia began. "The grief and loneliness drove me to seek a mate. I accumulated a herd of fifty fine mares for him. We bore him many children.. no alicorns."
"Then you had to watch as they all died," Captain Ivy finished the story for her.
Celestia looked up from the notes, the fur around her eyes slightly moist. "Not this time, Captain. I loved Briar Patch with all of my heart. And I promised myself that I would never mate with another mortal again once he passed. So many lonely nights have passed. But now... now I have a chance to rebuild what I lost. And, perhaps, find the key to immortality once and for all."
"... and this is Sugarcube Corner," the pink mare finished with a twirl. "The finest bakery in Equestria."
The lungs on that beast were amazing. From the moment I stepped off of the train, to now, she had led us on a tour of the entire town without ever pausing for air. The staff the princesses had sent with me were gasping for air from the exercise, despite me telling them multiple times to just wait for us somewhere.
In fact, the two maids that had been sent with me had to ride atop my back after the first dozen or so houses. Yes. She told us the names and residences of everyone in town. Poor maids were exhausted from the running. I was so giving them a break. And I was also now the one responsible for pulling the luggage cart. Yikes, they seemed to think I needed a lot.
"Thank you, miss Pie," I smiled gratefully, slipping out of the harness, and gently lowering the maids to the ground. "Please give these two some nourishment and a good seat."
One of the maids started to protest. "Your majesty. We should be taking care of your luggage. there is no need to worry about us."
I chuckled and patted her head. She wasn't Sugar Beet, but this little earth pony was adorable. "Now, now. Non of that. I will not be responsible for injuring such good little creatures."
They both blushed. The other was Sugar Beet, and she was quick to give me a hug. "Oh, thank you, sire. We've never been so exhausted. Ugh, all this sweat. It's ruining our uniforms."
"Then you should take a few hours off," I instructed them as I herded them in front of me into the bakery. "Get some what, talk to people. Sleep, or something... really thought I had something clever to say."
"Who cares, just keep talking," Pinkie giggled, suddenly appearing on my back and hugging my neck. "I am the luckiest mare in the world. Granny Pie always said I would get a prince."
"Tell, me," I asked as I duck through the door, almost having to crouch, "was your granny as energetic as you?"
Pinkie shook her head. "Of course not, silly. "No one was faster than Granny Pie. Ran herself to death, she did. Ah, I miss her. Of course, she would've been trying to fatten you up by now. You really need to fill out Mr. Boney."
"I'm not that thin, am I?" I asked, a little putout.
"Y-you kind of are," came a small voice off to the side. I turned to see the other five mares seated around a circular table, an array of confection already laid out. I thought for sure I knew horse. Why was everyone concerned about my weight?
"Greetings, Fluttershy," I inclined my head towards her. She blushed and looked away. She was really cute.
"So, you decided to show up after all," the blue one said with a huff, blowing some of her mane out of her face.
"Don't listen to her," Applejack rolled her eyes. "She was squealin' like a filly meetin' the new baby before you walked in."
"I was not," Rainbow loudly cried, face bright red as she looked accusingly at the farm mare.
"Please excuse them," Rarity, said, patting a cushion beside her, "ever since Celestia offered them a place in the royal herd, they've been vying for higher positions."
"Higher positions?" I asked, sitting down beside her. Pinkie slipped from my back and onto my other side, where she quickly snuggled up. I wrapped a wing around her with a smile. In some ways she was like an excitable puppy.
"Well, there is a hierarchy within a herd," she explained. "The highest positions, of course, being taken by the princesses. Next is myself, as I am very skilled in magic and would make for an excellent housekeeper."
Rainbow Dash and Applejack both huffed at that.
"And the nobles would never stand for a pegasus or mud pony to hold a high position in the herd," the pegasus muttered angrily. "Don't try to tell me I'm wrong."
I was starting to paint a picture.
"Next would be... which ever one of those two wins whatever competition they're playing," Rarity pointed to the two mares in question. "They're the strong mares of your herd. Their job is to back you up to defend the others and your children."
"Then... Pinkie," she said peering around me to make sure Pinkie wasn't doing anything. She quickly pulled the Pink mare's shirt up to cover up the copious amounts of cleavage she had slowly been exposing. "She is your peacemaker. She'll do her best to calm rivalries and within and outside of your herd."
Pinkie frowned as she looked down at her covered bust. "Awe... he likes my breasts."
Rarity rolled her eyes. "He's a stallion. Of course he likes breasts. That doesn't mean you can go and tease him like that."
She cleared her throat. "And lastly would be Fluttershy. She's the nanny and caretaker for the foals and anypony who gets sick."
"And I'm her guardian," Rainbow blurted out, throwing a defensive wing around the buttery mare.
"Yes yes, so we've heard," Rarity nodded.
"So... what's a guardian?" I asked after no explanation was readily given.
Rarity pressed a hand against her mouth. "Oh, I'm sorry. The guardian is the protector of the nanny. While she will back you up in dangerous situations, her other goal is to help the nanny when she is overwhelmed. It also gives her extra rights for herd communion."
Communion? I imagined a private religious ceremony involving wine and crackers. I could dig it.
"So, that's actually very interesting," I mentioned, some rather thought out dynamics go into these harems.
"And then there are the concubines," Twilight spoke up. She had a notebook that she was filling with... well... notes.
"Concubines?" I asked.
Twilight nodded. "Yes, extra mares within your herd who willingly contract themselves to have your children."
"Calling them 'extra' is so impolite, dear," Rarity chided Twilight. "You'll have to excuse her manners. She likes the ye olde dictionary descriptions."
I nodded. "I see. But, if I may, if the princesses are the head of the royal herd, who is the head of a normal herd?"
"The stallion is always the head of the herd," Rarity informed me. That seemed weird, in this world especially. "But, I know what you mean. In the average herd, the lead mare is the housekeeper. Moi."
"Again, noble bias," Rainbow muttered again. Applejack could only nod her head.
"Of course, that would mean I'd out rank you easily, Dash," the farm pony smirked roguishly.
"What?" Rainbow demanded, scowling at the orange mare.
"When was the last time you cleaned your room?"
Rainbow suddenly became very quiet. She turned her back with sulky huff. Fluttershy took pity on her and pulled her into a hug.
"There-there, Rainbow," she said soothingly, "I think you'd make an good housekeeper."
"No I wouldn't," Dash said under her breath. "Applejack's right. I'm just a jock... strong mare's all I'm good for."
Fluttershy didn't argue. "Maybe so. But you could still be the stronger strong mare."
Rainbow just rolled her eyes and shifted until she could lay the side of her head atop of her fellow pegasi's rack. Social these ponies were.
Then I heard a rapping on the window. I turned my head to see... at two dozen mares all staring wide-eyed at me through he glass. I then took a moment to look around the bakery. Empty. Save for us, and the two maids... as well as a chubby blue mare who stood wide eyed behind the counter.
I hadn't noticed her before.
"Um... hello miss," I said with a smile.
She smiled nervously back. "Y-y-you really can talk."
"Yes," I nodded. "I really can."
She continued to stare back. "Uh... t-tell me i-if you need anything."
I nodded. "Don't worry."
"So... we've got an audience," I remarked, indicating the window.
The mares nodded.
"It was bound to happen," Applejack said with a shrug. "You're big news after all."
"With plenty of big to write news about too," Pinkie chuckled.
"Pinkie," Twilight groaned. "Stop looking at his stallionhood."
I quickly turned my head to see the the pink mare in question was looking between my legs. "Hey. We're not married yet. I may have been a conqueror in my old world, but I did have some class."
Pinkie pouted. "Fine. But... you show me yours I'll show you mine?"
She bounced her brow suggestively as she slowly tried to pull her shirt down again. Rarity caught her.
"Enough, Pinkie," Rarity growled warningly.
Pinkie sighed and rolled her eyes. "Spoil sport."
Just then, there was some commotion by the door. We all turned to try and see. My guard escort was blocking the door to give us privacy.
"Let me through," a voice cried out earnestly.
"Sorry, ma'am," one guard said, "but this building has been reserved for a private party between the new prince and his future harem."
"I'm a member of the press."
"All the more reason to keep you out. We don't need you turning him into a sideshow."
"A sideshow?" the reporter, apparently, cried out. "I'm a reporter, the whole world is nothing but a sideshow."
"Just get back, ma'am."
"Alright, I didn't wanna have to do this," the reporter sighed wearily. "Lerooooy jenkiiiiiiiiins."
I nearly shat myself.
A split moment later, a mint mare burst past the guards, using a heavy duty wooden camera mount as a flail. She sported a trilby with a playing card in the ribbon, a brown suit and tie, and had one of those old timey 35mm cameras about her neck. In a burst of desperation, she tossed the tripod to the side and leapt at me, grabbing my tail just as the guards grabbed her feet.
"Noooo," she cried. "Please. This is the story of the Century. No. The millennium.... no.... it's the story of... of... ever. Please give me an interview mister prince stallion sir."
"Lyra?" Rarity asked. From the looks on everyone's faces, she must have been known around town.
"Oh, hi?" the mare grinned while suspended off the floor between the guards and my tail. Weird, you would think that that would hurt more. "Can you convince the guards to let me go?"
"Eh... no," Rainbow Dash said with a shake of her head.
"Oh, please?" Lyra wept, her grip like iron. "I need this. Bonbon won't let me join her herd unless I make something of myself."
"Well, you should have thought of that before you decided to join the Equestrian Intruder," Applejack rolled her eyes.
"Equestrian Intruder?" I asked, a sneaking suspicion in my brain.
"A ragsheet, darling," Rarity said wit a wave of her hand. "They write anything."
So, like the National Inquirer.
"W-well they've told the truth before," Fluttershy brought up, trying to hide behind Rainbow Dash.
"A stopped clock is right twice a day," Twilight said with a shrug.
"Every story I've written is true," Lyra cried, her grip started to give. "Oh please. Just give me this break. I just need one little chance to prove myself."
Something snapped inside my head. Something familiar.
"STOOOOOOOP."
Everyone froze. Everyone Stared at me. Everyone seemed shaken to the bone.
I glared at my guards. "Let... her... go."
They swiftly obeyed. I held out a hoof to help her up. "An interview with such a lovely creature? How could I possibly refuse?"
Lyra gasped and wiped her eyes. "R-really? You mean it?"
I nodded, and gestured to an unclaimed cushion. "Join us, please."
Rarity gasped. "You're not serious are you? They're just a sensationalist piece. Only foals and country bumpkins read them."
"But, if I get the first interview with him, everyone will read it," Lyra pointed out, gesturing towards the window. "There are some big newspaper reporters out there. The very fact I'm getting an interview with you is going to be front page news everywhere. Everyone's going to buy the Intruder. I'll be up for every journalist award in book."
"Glad I could help," I said with a chuckle. I looked about the table at the shocked mares. "So what if she works for a newspaper you don't like? The people do have a right to know. And, in my experience, all news organizations are mostly full of liars and vermin refuse. Ms. Lyra here gets the first interview. Perhaps even more."
"I've never been so happy in my life," Lyra cried tears of joy as she snapped a picture (DAMN THAT FLASH WAS BRIGHT), and floated a pen and paperpad in her magic. "After this I can finely be with Comet Tail."
"I thought you said something about a Bonbon," I said as I blinked the spots from my eyes.
"Comet Tail's the stallion of her herd," she explained as she wound her camera for another picture. I did my best not to blink. "So... first question, which I'm sure every mare would love here about, Sir... why are you so thin?"
I shifted slightly beneath the canvas that covered me. I felt the rough planks of a cart, I assumed it was a cart, as well as some tightness from bandages wrapped about my appendages. I couldn't get a very good look in the dim light, it was a very thick canvas, but something felt off. Like I wasn't even in my own body anymore.
"Mother, please, keep it down," the other being spoke in a hushed whisper. "We mustn't let the neighbors hear us."
I don't think I was restrained. Was I being smuggled somewhere? Huh, just like old times... or... was that war just a nightmare? Oh, heaven above and the mightiest powers, please. I don't want to wake up to that nightmare. But... I knew it was too good to be true. I kept silent, trying to find clues as to my situation.
"I sent you to Canterlot weeks ago, Marigold," the mother hissed. "You were just supposed to buy a new machine and purchase the new brand name."
"I did," the daughter, Marigold, defended herself. "I just got a little side-tracked on the way back home."
"Canterlot's only a few days journey away. What could possible add so many extra days? Did you get drunk at a tavern?"
Now that my eyes were adjusting somewhat... crap, I felt like I'd been asleep for a very long time... I could see little beams of light where there were holes in the canvas. I steadied my breathing as I lifted my head ever so slightly to look at the contents as best I could.
Last time I was hiding in a cart, it was full of guns and ammo that me and my friends were smuggling into a small Afghani village to fuel the revolution against the tyrannical regime. Lots of the cool Israeli stuff too, top shit. If we had succeeded, we would have a sure shot at taking over Palestine. It kind of went down hill though... but we still won... in a way.
Hmmm. Tubes, some sort of metal machine, and brown paper packages tied up with string... darn it, I have to... these are some of my favorite things... okay, done now. And bottles. They had words on them... words couldn't read. That was worrisome. They didn't even look familiar. Crap. This was not good. But... I could understand the language.
Was this some sort of code?
"Of course not," Marigold protested. "You know I hate alcohol."
Prude.
"Then what's in the cart?" the mother demanded, sounding closer now.
I took a deep breath. This could go south really easily. I could be the middle of a fortress, surrounded by guns, or in the middle of a city where people could see me. See me. My face was very valuable. I could be in front of a secret police station, or just regular police. Either was bad. And I don't think I had any guns within reach. Not that that would have mattered. I couldn't seem to feel my hands.
"Have you read the papers recently?" Marigold asked, also sounding closer.
"Are you referring to that sensationalist tripe about a male alicorn that can talk?" the mother huffed in annoyance. "Don't tell me you believe that garbage."
"Mother, I saw him," the daughter cried. "I served him gelato. He... he was real."
"Smoke and mirrors," the mother groaned. "Honestly, child. As if a stallion could talk, much less be an alicorn. Now, show me what you brought home. It had better not be another dog."
"But you love Snuffles," Marigold said sarcastically.
"Yes, she's a good dog," the mother admitted. "We just don't need another responsibility while we're just starting out in the new business."
"Well, what I have here will help fix our finances, mother," Marigold said in a smug voice.
Great. Just what I needed. Someone was trying to make it rich off of me. But, I had been given amnesty. So... that reward was nulled… right? Damn it. I hate politicians. Nothing but a load of crooks and liars. If I get out of this I was gonna...
Suddenly the canvas was yanked away and the sunlight beat down on my body. Damn it, I was blind. Flashbangs have nothing on that celestial orb of fire and hate.
"Oh my Celestia," the mother cried in a gasp.
"Think it's just sensationalist now?" Marigold asked in a voice that just dripped smugness.
"Did you kidnap the princesses' consort?" the mother cried in horror.
"Of course not," Marigold said. "Though, it seems you read the papers anyway."
"Well, of course," the mother huffed. "I have to keep up on the latest gossip. What would your aunties think?"
The daughter snorted. "Anyway. The prince is blue. Really blue. This stallion's obviously more yellow. And his mane's white. How cool is that?"
My eyes opened wide. Stallion? What? I quickly rose to ta seated position. This made they two ladies scream in terror. It was then that I got a good look at everything.
Fuck. This was trippy. I was a horse. So were the two ladies. Well, humanish horses that is. Mottled brown and white mares with hands... and hooves where their feet should be. Alright... and I seemed to be a regular horse... save for the wings... and horn.
Hmmm. the ladies were more interesting. I looked back at them. They wore simple homespun dresses... and were rather buxom. Ooh-la-la. Shut up, they're female and sapient, obviously. And probably of legal age too. Hey, I'm a gentleman.
Our surroundings were... countryside. empty fields of emptiness, with forest in all direction. And their house appeared to be a windmill. Old classic Dutch. Neat. Hmmm, was I... stronger than them? Again, I'm a gentleman, get those thoughts out of your head. I just needed answers.
I appeared to be bandaged... I was obviously in a big fight. Couldn't quite remember where though. I needed answers. And I knew just how to get people to talk, especially the ladies.
I flopped onto my side and began crying. "Oh, thank goodness. I was afraid I was lost forever. I'm so cold and ever so hungry, could you fair ladies help a poor ma... stallion out of the goodness of your hearts and give me a blanket and some food. I promise I won't eat much. I can even sleep outside if that makes you more comfortable."
And, just like that, they were putty in my hands... hooves. Though, there was a lot of screaming. Within a night, I learned all I needed to know about this world.
It was curious. I watched Lyra practically dance circles around a defeated looking mare with a candy-colored mane. The mint one could barely contain her cries of glee as she cavorted like a rabbit on meth.
"You said as soon as I made it big, I'd get to join your herd," shouted with uncontained glee.
The other mare nodded slowly, looking at the ground. "Yes, Lyra. I did."
"Well, I got it, the story of the century," she shouted as she gave a huge spinning leap while waving a stack of notebooks over her head.
Did I mention it was night now? Damn, she had literally asked me about my first memory up until now. She ran out of notebooks and wrote the rest on her clothes and herself. Dedicated. I liked her.
She hopped away giddily as her friend, Bonbon, moped on after her. Gee, special relationship they had.
"Well," I said after they were gone, "now that that's out of the way. What were discussing again?"
Rarity groaned, a multitude of empty wine bottles in front of her. "Ugh... we were going to discuss which one of us you would stay with first. But, it's getting late, and we need to get you inside before it gets much later."
"Wait. What?" I asked. "Why do I need to get inside?"
She and the others looked at me awkwardly for a minute. Fluttershy was the one who answered.
"It's just a town regulation," she started. "So that mares don't accidentally leave their stallions and colts outside overnight where they could get hurt."
"It would just be a lot less of a hassle if we didn't get stopped by some guardsmare," Applejack commented. "You, some mare trying to get a closer look at ya?"
"I see," I nodded, I guess it was understandable in a world like this. "Then... whose house shall I be staying at?"
All the mares turned to the blue one, who blushed and looked away. "Th-that would be me."
"We figured you two needed to learn to get along the most," Rarity explained, garnering nods from all the mares. Including Rainbow. "She will be your host for a few days."
I looked Rainbow over, she blushed redder by the second. "I see. I hope we can learn to get along better, Rainbow."
She didn't say anything.
* * *
Rainbow's house was made of clouds. Because... why not? My two maids had to be given cloudwalking spells. The guards stayed outside in a tent the pitched on the cloud itself. I was about ready to give up applying logic at the point.
Anyway, it was like a mansion inside. So much space. Guess it made sense for a mare that loved to fly. Probably easily claustrophobic. The walls were covered in trophies and ribbons, as well as poster. She wasn't all talk it seemed. She really was a champion athlete.
She gave me a quick tour.
"There's the stairs, bathrooms up there as well as the bedroom, kitchens over their, and here the living room." Like I said, quick.
I nodded. "Alright. So then... where will I be sleeping?"
She looked at me odd. "In... my bed? Where else would you sleep?"
I looked to Sugar Beet and the other maid, Cinnamon Bun, they looked at me just as odd as Rainbow.
"We sleep in the same bed?" I asked. "You sure that's safe?"
They seemed to get what I was saying.
"Of course," Sugar Beet said. "An engagement is just as binding as the marriage itself. This is a little out of order, but, just be sure that Princess Celestia gets the first mount. Other than that, you're free to explore each other."
"Though, usually it's just the mare exploring the stallion," Rainbow chuckled dryly. Wow, no wonder she was so nervous. "It... it really should be one of the princesses that goes first. Or Rarity. She'd know how to... do everything."
She'd been picked because they were afraid she'd chicken out at the last minute. That's what they meant by "getting used" to each other. I decided I should break the tension.
"Alright, I think I understand. How about we just get things moved in and maybe take a warm bath before heading to bed?"
"We'll get things put away," Sugar Beet stated, grabbing the luggage. "You two have a nice bath together."
They were really laying it on thick.
* * *
Not as big as the bath in the palace, but large enough for the two of us to be relatively comfortable. She had even lit scented candles. Though, it seemed her apple-themed friend had been having a sale. It was a weird mixture of normal apple, apple pie, apple fitter, and applewood smoke. Not really off-putting, but not the most glamorous of romantic baths. I remembered few I had with that witch of a wife of mine. This horse, I mean, pony lady was an upgrade.
We practically sat on opposite ends, just looking at each other. Well, I was looking at her, she was trying to act like she was looking at everything else. That bar of soap seemed interesting for the twelfth time.
"Just so you know, in about ten seconds I'm going to start exploring every inch of you," I said so suddenly that she almost jumped out of the tub.
"Woah... woah," she said desperately, waving her arms. "I-I'm just getting comfortable. I've never done this before, okay?" She crossed her arms and began muttering. "Probably would've been a virgin my whole life if I wasn't invited."
I sighed. "I understand, Rainbow. I procrastinated a lot too in my youth. But, I'm sure a beautiful mare like you would have no trouble if it really came to it."
She paused. "Really? I... I know these seems weird and out of character. But... I guess being around a male... I can be more myself."
"I get it. Since stallions of this world are... less talkative, you naturally feel more comfortable being open about your feelings." Another advantage I had in the world. Yeah me.
She nodded. "Sounds about right. I've never even really thought about how to approach this kind of thing."
I nodded and relaxed a bit. "Take your time, Rainbow. We don't need to do anything while we're here other than get to know each other. I'm really just grateful for all the company I've had since coming here. You all have been quite the blessings to me."
Rainbow was a quiet, blushing and fiddling with her fingers. Then she nodded and took a deep breath and stood up, water cascading down her body, dripping from her magnificent breasts and trailing down her toned body.
"Selfen… I want to see you stallionhood," she declared nervously.
Standing up in the water, I remained still as Rainbow crawled under me and just seemed to stair at my sheath and balls. I would let her take her time, keeping control of my bits so I wouldn't frighten her or anything. Then, she reached out one hand and cupped one of my testicles, weighing it. The warmth of her touch, a touch I hadn't felt in so long, elicited a happy noise from me.
"Oh, you like that?" she asked, unsure.
"Yes, thank you," I sighed happily.
She leaned forward and gave them a sniff, taking in my scent, as if trying to memorize it. After this She stuck a couple finger into my sheath, spreading it to peek on the head of my dick, which now was beginning to take control of itself.
"Eep," she cried, falling back with a splash as is slowly slipped out. She recovered quickly and reached out a her hands to hold it, feeling it as it hardened and grew thicker. Her breathing got heavy. "It's.... huge. I mean, sure, you're the biggest stud I've ever seen. But... damn. That's going to hurt when it's my turn to get mounted."
"I see what you mean," I said, seeing it for myself. My original dick was nowhere near the size of that battering ram. Probably average size for a horse, but hey, an upgrade is an upgrade. I let out a soft moan as she began gently running her hands along its length, eyes sparkling in amazement. "Careful, it's been years. I might cum at any moment."
"That's cool," she said absentmindedly as she continued to stroke my member in awe. She leaned in and gave it a lick, causing me to shiver. "Soooo salty."
She cupped my balls again and gave them a gentle squeeze. My hips gave an involuntary buck.
"Woah," she chuckled. "Someone's eager."
"Very," I admitted with a needy pant.
"Well then, let's not keep you waiting," she grinned, getting excited herself.
Standing up, she reached up to grab my face and pull me forward so that our lips locked together.
Wow. It had been... far too long. I would have happily never breathed again, just to be kept in that moment.
But she broke contact first and began tracing a hand across my face, down my neck, over and under my barrel to my throbbing cock.
There she let her inexperienced hands run their magic over my long neglected sensitive flesh. I moaned, giving small thrusts.
She had slipped her whole body under me, more comfortable that way, where she began to trace the tip with her tongue, seeming to get a taste for it. Taking turns with her hands from stroking my member, to cupping my balls in the most reverent way.
"I... I'm close," I panted in desire.
"Then let it out, dude," she said, before giving the head a kiss. "My future stud doesn't need any special permission from me."
Wow, she was really different in private. I could get used to this. The pressure was almost too much by this point and with a final buck and cry of ecstasy, I came.
Right upon her face and breasts.
"Ach!" She cried in shock as she fell back into the tub with a splash.
My hind legs wobbled beneath me, and I sat down with a splash, panting and smiling. It had been so long since I had felt such a caring touch.
Rainbow emerged from the depths a second later, coughing and sputtering, but also smiling.
"That. Was. Awesome!" She cried as she began cleaning herself off. "Its so sticky and hot... salty too."
"Glad I could be of service," I grunted. "And thank you. I can't remember the last time I had been so intimate with another."
Rainbow laughed as she grabbed a towel. "Hey, no problem. We should totally do that again."
I smiled as she cleaned off the last of my seed and tossed the towel away. I slid forward and kissed her cheek.
"So, guess it's you turn Raindbow," I said mischievously.
"My turn for what?" She asked, oblivious.
I lifted a hoof and pushed her back down into the tub and stood over her. She looked ready to panic.
"Hey! Woah-woah," she said, throwing up her arms. "Princess Celestia gets the first mount, Selfen. Control yourself, please."
I kept smiled and planted a kiss upon each of her breasts. She froze in shock, hands still up as I began planting more kisses down her belly, and at last to that lovely space between her thighs.
Rainbow let out an even greater cry of shock as I brought my tongue into the mix. Selfen! Wh-what... ah-oh... sweet Celestia! D-dont stop."
I chuckled and settled deeper into the bath, nose submerged as I took care of my betrothed.
Needless to say, we had to drain the tub and take another bath. This time much more close, practically snuggling.
After drying off, she led me to her room, disregarding her bath robe. As a healthy male, I in no way complained, that tones butt was a thing to behold.
And so was the first thing I noticed as we entered her room.
"Oh cool! You have a tortoise."
"Ni, he's a tortoise...," Rainbow began in a very reactionary manner. She blinked. "Hey, you got it right. Guess you're not so bad afterall."
I chuckled and touched noses with the curious creature. Reminded me of my time in the Galapagose, sinking illegal fishing vessels before my war.
This guy would fit right in in the palace gardens.
"His name is Tank," the mare chuckled as she knelt down the scratch her friend's chin. "He's been my best friend since he saved me from a rock fall."
Okay, he's even cooler now. I chuckled and gave his shell a pat. Which he seemed to enjoy.
"I shall have to ask about that sometime."
"Eh, later," she said, standing up and tugging me toward her bed, turning off the lights on our way there.
We climbed beneath the covers cuddled together. I was practically encircling her smaller form. This night was the warmest I had felt Iin ages.
This absence of loneliness. This sensation of being wanted. Perhaps... being loved.
Oh please...
Please...
I prayed.
Don't let me awake alone.
Don't let this feeling leave me as iy did before. I knew that, were it to pass again, I would never feel it again.