Why EVERYPONY is a dumb dumb!
Why ___ is a Dumb Dumb
by Twilight Awesome Amazing Smart Beautiful Pretty Diamond Crystal Sparkle
Have you ever really really hated somepony? Have you ever wanted to throw them off Equestria? Have you ever wished you could banish them to the moon? (Hey Princess Luna!) Have you ever wanted to call them really rude names? And get away with it? Well look no further! 'Why ___ is a Dumb Dumb' is just the book for you! With this book, you can write really rude letters to your foes and they'll (probably) never know it was you who wrote them! You'll get away with everything, 100% guaranteed or don't get your money back! What you think you'll get your money back? This money is mine now go get your own! Let's get started.
Titles!
First we need a flashy title for you letter. If it looks stupid, they won't read it! It's good to pretend your writing a thank you letter to them, and then tell them how stupid they are! Tell them how awesome you are and then be as rude as you like to them! There's so many options! Be rude! Be nasty! Be horrible! Or you can just call them a dumb dumb. That normally works too.
Rude Words!
This is the fun bit! You can start calling them names as rude as you like! I've heard some good ones before (thanks Princess Cadance!). These are some of the best ones!
Dumb dumb
Idiot
Jerk
Daft ninny
Stupid dumb jerk
Very stupid dumb jerk
Very very stupid dumb jerk
Fat bum bum
Nasty fat face
Fat bum bum face
Rude little turd
Rude BIG turd!
Fat *@&$#%&
@&$!
@&$?!$ @*#&$
@&$&@*%#%*#&$&@
Stupid dumb @&$#% censorship...@&$$!!!
Those are just a few! With the help of this book, the meanie pants you're writing to will get the letter they deserve!
Innocence!
Pretend to be innocent! Pretend that you have no idea what's going on and they'll think that you're just an innocent little filly! Or colt. Whoever's reading this. Just don't touch this copy, I don't want to get Boy Germs.
Burn Everything Down!
Burn everything down! Works everytime, guaranteed. Again, you're not getting your money back! If burning everything down doesn't work, your matches must be rigged!
Dont get Sidetracked
Ok, this is really important so I'll say it again. Don't get sidetracked! It may seem fun to go on about how someone is is a jerk and should be fired (looking at you Solar Flare!) but you are really supposed to be telling the target of your letter how much they suck! So don't get distracted, or they'll think you're an idiot! (Which you probably are Celestia...)
So there you have it! This should have your enemies fuming in no time! Just remember! Good Titles, Rude Words, Innocence, Burn Everything Down and DONT GET SIDETRACKED. Or you'll look like an idiot. Not saying you don't already, just saying don't stuff this up.
"I'm ripping this up," Celestia said, glaring at the book in front of her. "This stupid thing.. this rude little book... this... this..." Celestia finally cracked. "This GARBAGE!" She let out a furious cry and hurled the book across the room. It landed neatly in the bin.
Cadance snatched it out of the bin and read it. "Are you kidding me?" She beamed. "This could make us millions! The girl's a genius!"
Celestia grabbed it again and glared at Cadance. "She called me an idiot!" She snapped.
"Exactly!" Cadance grinned. "Ponies everywhere will want to buy this! It's pure gold!"
"It swears!" She hollered, not wanting to lose the battle.
"I'm so proud of her for that," Cadance said, reading through it again and again. "Look, she said my name!
"I'm making you a memory potion too," Celestia said.
Cadence ignored her Aunt's comment and reread the book.
"When I found out I would be getting a niece," Celestia snapped, not noticing that Cadence wasn't listening, "I expected a niece that listened to her Aunty. A good niece, a nice niece, a niece that doesn't swear. But I got YOU! You, the little bratty-"
"Since when did Twilight get so many middle names?" Cadence interrupted.
"WHO CARES HOW MANY MIDDLE NAMES TWILIGHT HAS?" Celestia hollered, shooting a laser beam through the window. It shot off into the sky and disappeared, the sound of an explosion following soon after.
Cadence remained unfazed as she read through the list of swear words that Twilight had (somehow) taught herself. She shrieked, however, when the window suddenly exploded (again!) and a yell shook the entire castle.
"WHO DARES SHOOT LASER BEAMS AT MY MOON?"
Cadence looked up, stunned. Celestia said a swear word so bad it put Twilight's list to shame.
"CELESTIA! WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT WORD? WERE YOU READING MY DIARY AGAIN?"
"Do I need to make you a memory potion too?" Celestia exploded. "Stay on the moon Luna!"
"THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT MAY GO WHEREVER SHE WISHES!" Luna roared.
"STOP YELLING!" Celestia yelled.
"THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT MAY SPEAK AS LOUD AS SHE LIKES, HYPOCRITE!"
"YOU'RE THE HYPOCRITE YOU PIG-SNOUTED MULE! STOP USING THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE!"
"IT IS TRADITION TO USE THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE YOU BIRD-BRAINED BOAR!"
"SCREW TRADITION! I'M IN CHARGE HERE, NO-BRAINED PIPSQUEAK!"
"OH, YEAH? KEEP IT UP AND I'LL MOON YOU!" Luna shouted.
"YOU WOULDN'T DARE!" Celestia roared, a fraction of fear in her voice. "HAVEN'T I SEEN YOUR FLANK ENOUGH?"
"YOU WANT TO BET ON THAT?"
It was at this moment that Cadence decided, probably for the best, to move permanently to the Crystal Empire.