Joe's Equestrian adventure continues, but with a great deal more chaos!
Not long after the end of the first season*, Joe's adventures in Equestria begin again. After Discord's release, chaos in Equestria is on the rise, and interference in the timeline is the least of Joe's worries, let alone a job.
Chaos is coming. And may Celestia aid any who venture into Ponyville unprepared.
It was a cool September day, and thus far everything seemed as usual. I sat in the living room, reading the book Spike and I had retrieved in the secret compartment (there were some interesting things in there, including a mirror-shaped gateway to another world, though it didn't have any information on said other world), when the kitchen door practically slammed open. “Joe!” shouted Trixie, entering.
“What it is, Trix?” I replied, looking up from my book.
“I was just at Sweet Apple Acres and there's something strange going on with some sort of chocolate rain and corn popping off the cob and then Twilight and the others just received word from Celestia to come to Canterlot immediately.” While explaining, Trixie headed for her room, leaving the door to the back open so I could hear.
“I see.” Hmm, it had been a day since the Ponyville Elementary class got back from Canterlot. I guess it took him a while to finish breaking free. “So, what're you doing?”
“I'm going with them, of course!” she proclaimed, her old hat and cloak billowing dramatically behind her as she left her room. I paused, just sitting there blinking for a moment. “Are you okay?”
“Mm. Yeah, I just wasn't expecting that. I thought you would leave it up to the Elements to deal with things.”
“They are my friends as well, now. How could I leave them be? For that matter, why aren't you getting ready to come as well? This is a much bigger event than Twilight learning about friendship!”
“If you feel you must go, then go and be careful. But this is a trial that they must face without my help.” Had to watch my words, Discord could be listening in at this point. “I can tell you that much.”
Trixie looked pensive. “I see. In that case, I shall be off!” And she galloped out the door, slamming it shut behind her. I sighed and looked down, returning to my book. As I turned the page, there was a flash of light behind me.
“Hello, Discord.”
“And just how did you know it was me?” He replied. I simply closed my book and held it up.
“I've been reading up on you. I had a feeling today was the day.”
“About that, what did you mean about 'being what you are?'”
I turned around to look at the Draconequus. “Racially speaking, I am a Human. But what I am on top of that is what my world refers to as a Troper.” Not lying, just not telling the whole truth. “Tropers are a group of people who read the strands of fate for common points in both reality and fiction. If one becomes good enough at being a Troper, they can start to, essentially, read ahead.” Ah, Jedi Truth. You just have to look at things from a Certain Point of View.
“Well, then, your little wager is rigged if you can 'read ahead' like that.”
“One of the things a true Troper knows, however,” I continued, as though he hadn't spoken, “is that only one thing can be predicted of True Chaos: there is no predicting True Chaos. Your stone seal was not Chaos, so I could tell it was failing. And you, as I said, are a Kami of Chaos.”
He preened slightly. Good, that meant he bought the half-truth. “In that case, why make the wager at all?”
“In either outcome, I have the potential for victory. Either I serve at your side for eternity, if you'll have me that long, I don't know. Actually, I don't even know if you'll let me live after you win in the first place!” He smiled menacingly. I held up a finger “OR if I get that fraction of your power, I can make myself immortal, or at least slow my aging to a crawl.”
“And I suppose you expect me to keep the deal if I lose?”
“I'm hoping, but I don't know. One thing about the Kami I know – well, if I recall properly – is that their word, willingly given, can not be refuted.”
“And if I refuse?”
“C'est la vie. I will live as I have, unless, again, you decide to end me. My fate, in all ways, is in your claws.” I then held out my hand, palm up.
“Then we have an accord!” he crowed, before slapping my hand with his lion's paw, knocking it off. I glanced down at the bloodless stump with a raised eyebrow. He shrugged, picked up the severed hand, and shook it lightly.
“Collateral. If I win, I keep it as part of our bargain. If you win, it will grant you the power you wish when you put it back on. Just remember: no interfering.” His eyes narrowed dangerously.
“If one of us breaks the terms of the wager, they instantly lose. Will that work?” He stroked his beard and nodded, before slipping my hand into an invisible pocket on his torso. He then snapped the talons of his eagle's claw and disappeared in a flash of light.
“...Great. Now I have to do everything left-handed.” Still, since he agreed to that last clause, that meant if he did do something different (like try to break the girls a second time) I would automatically win.
...Damn, when did I get so manipulative?
Actually, thinking on it, I may have always had that manipulative streak in me. It's actually gotten a lot of use while I've been in Equestria, too. But I don't like having to do it, so I guess I just try to not acknowledge its existence. After all, cunning and ambition are Slytherin traits, and I'm a steadfast and loyal Hufflepuff.
Right?
At least, that's what was going through my mind at the time. These days I know better, that I'm not limited to a single descriptor like a Hogwarts house.
I spent the next hour or so trying to get used to my one-handedness, which was hard simply because it was my left hand, as I'm used to keeping a book in one hand, which meant using only the other one for other tasks all the time.
Don't.
You know what I mean.
Anyways, I had just gotten used to the non-feeling of a missing right hand, when there came a knock at the door. I quickly threw on my coat and tucked my stump into a pocket. Even if I was willing to discuss my deal with Discord, I don't think anyone would want to see the inside of a human wrist.
To my mild surprise it was Spike.
“Spike, why are you here?”
“Ponyville's gone crazy! The girls left for Canterlot on hoof, and they couldn't have been gone for more than a couple hours when things just started getting weird.”
I frowned. Discord was warping the world already? Well, beyond the Chocolate-Filled Cotton Candy Clouds and long-legged rabbits, I mean.
“Weird how?”
Spike started off the porch as he explained, forcing me to move after him, “I walked straight here. After going through Sweet Apple Acres.”
I blinked. Considering Sweet Apple Acres was south of Ponyville and I lived to the east? “Yeah, that'd definitely count as weird. Was there anything else?”
“Would that count?” Spike pointed directly ahead of us. I looked up from him to see a tree flapping in the breeze. Not swaying, like branches normally do, but flapping like it was made of paper. The tree was completely two-dimensional.
I reached out my hand to the tree, and felt it go flat as well as it approached. I snapped backwards in surprise and pain, flexing my once-again 3D hand.
As Spike and I continued onward, the sights remained bizarre, but still tame in their own way. A school of fish swam through the air like it was water, singing country songs as they went along. Reality stretched like a fun-house mirror, some steps taking us huge distances while other went only an inch. We even passed through what I recognized to be Dodge Junction. I was even forced to duck under a neck-high crack in space, eerily similar to the cracks caused by the TARDIS exploding. I shivered in recognition, unsure if this meant Discord could see beyond Equestria already.
Finally, Spike and I wound up at what seemed to be the only bastion of peace in the chaotic warp: Golden Oaks Library.
There were two explanations I could think of for its untouched nature. One: The Elements, having already been placed there, were keeping it from being affected by Discord's passive transformations; or B: Discord was leaving the homes of his foes intact for some psychological ploy.
B was probably more plausible, considering Discord was capable of moving the Elements to begin with (and also that my house was equally unaffected by the chaos). Either way, we entered.
“So why did we come here anyways?” I asked.
“One of these books has to have some information, but I can't reach some of them, even with the rolling ladder. So I need your help.”
“Because I'm taller than just about anything.” I sighed. “Alright.” Careful not to let my stump of a right arm leave my pocket, I started pulling down books and rifling through them carefully, not really paying attention. Unfortunately, Spike took notice of this and I didn't realize until he went to test me.
While up on the rolling ladder, he pretended to fall off, which meant that I lunged to catch him. With both arms.
“Regaining” his balance, he glanced at my wrist and grinned. “Ah-ha! I knew...” He trailed off as he saw exactly what I didn't want him to see: the inside of my wrist. The viscera inside the narrowest part of the arm isn't much, but it was still more graphic than anything Spike had ever seen in his young life.
Which meant that he threw up. Nothing hit the books, but sparkling vomit covered the wooden floor between us.
I closed my eyes. “I was hoping to keep this from you.”
“H-how did this happen?” Spike whispered in horror.
“It's better that you do not know.”
“You aren't even bleeding from it. That's impossible, it doesn't make any sense!” Spike paused. “Nothing about what's happening makes sense. You did something, didn't you?” His tone became accusatory. “Whatever's causing this mess around Ponyville, you know about it. You- you're in league with it!”
“Now, Spike, let's not jump to conclusions here.” I replaced my wrist into my pocket, and held my hand up placatingly. “I-”
Spike pulled open the broom cupboard he'd been inching towards and pulled out the mop, thrusting its business end in my face. “I don't want to hear your excuses! Get out of here, and don't come back!”
I sighed and backed away, head downcast. “I'm sorry, Spike. But this is all a misunderstanding.” Spike just waved the mop at me a little more as I backed away, until I was at the door. He then grabbed the mop's bucket and took it into the kitchen, filling it with water. Silently, shamefully, I left. And as I closed the library's door behind me, I heard the faintest muttering. “Topaz? I didn't even eat topaz today.”
A while of walking through the distortions later, I was back home. Moments later, a loud thunderclap echoed from Canterlot, and a pulse of energy flew forth from the mountain as I turned to look. The distortions didn't grew visibly worse, but the ground shifted and changed, some of it become the well-known checker pattern of the show, while other areas became bizarre whorls of rainbow and still others were turned to dust. Some of the chocolate rain that had fallen earlier rose now, falling back into the clouds. Some fell sideways.
And, as if to finalize the victory, the moon rose, with the sun still in the sky, and they danced together.
Time held little meaning in Discord's world, the sun and moon dancing without a beat across the horizon, so I had no idea how long it had been since Trixie and the Elements had gone to Canterlot. Already there were dancing Buffalo and floating buildings outside. With the unusual physics caused by Discord's magic, I wasn't sure how long it would take for them to get back.
I stood in my living room, watching out the window towards Ponyville. Eventually, I saw a flash of light from town, though it was short-lived.
Round two to Discord. But this game was all or nothing. And round three would be his undoing.
As I stood there, contemplating the future, the door slowly creaked open and in walked Trixie, looking quite despondent.
“Trix?” There was no reply. “Trixie? You okay in there?” She continued to plod along, eventually making it to her room, where she just nudged the door open and flopped onto the bed.
“...Trixie?” Her mouth seemed to be moving, but I couldn't make out the words from the doorway, so I moved closer.
“nopony cares... it doesn't matter what trixie does, she'll never matter to anypony... why didn't they find me...? what hope does trixie have when she can't even be loyal enough for the elements to work...?”
A chill ran down my spine, as I finally noticed the Element of Loyalty around her neck. No. He wasn't supposed to... She wasn't one of the girls I was referring to! I clenched my fist, teeth grit. Discord still followed the letter of the wager, so I couldn't do anything to help snap her out of it, because that would be interfering.
“What do you think? It's so much more peaceful without her loud mouth, isn't it?” Discord stepped out from behind one of the posts of Trixie's four-poster bed.
“I am not pleased to see you, Discord.”
“Ah, but you see, I've won our little wager, so that means you're mine until I tire of you. So come along, little human!” He clenched his eagle claw around my right hand and a wave of pain shot through me.
“Yes... Master Discord...” I sighed. Hopefully, Twilight would remember to stop by here and fix her. “I'm so sorry, Trixie...”
With a flash of light, our location changed. With all the changes to the world, the only thing I could discern was Canterlot in the distance, a few floating buildings, and Discord's throne. Discord himself was not present, but I found that I could not move more than a few yards from the throne, though I could move anywhere within that uneven circle I wanted.
I was also rather disconcerted to notice that my clothing had changed into something resembling a jester's outfit mixed with a suit of armour, but with no real function. Some of the jester bits were metal, some of the armour was cloth, and it was all one ridiculous mess.
I could guess where Discord was, likely tormenting Twilight a bit more, or possibly the princesses. So I sat down beside the throne (no telling what Discord would do if I sat in it) and stared at a square of off-white somewhere in sight (distances being hard to judge and all).
Eventually, a few flip-flops of the heavens later, I heard a slorping noise as Discord melded out of his throne.
“What a wonderful world I'm making, wouldn't you say?” he crowed.
I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and said, deadpan, “O frabjous day. Callooh. Callay.”
“Oh, come now, let's put a smile on that face!” and with a snap of his fingers, my lips contorted into a toothy grin. After a moment of staring at him with my lips stretched away from my teeth, he wiped my face down with a towel, unfreezing my lips and mixing my features about.
“,retsaM ,meop a uoy eticer ot em wollA” I said. I paused for a moment as my ears blinked at what had just come out of my nose.
“A poem, you say? How fascinating. And why would I enjoy it?”
“liking. nonsense of it is certain poem will It to your words, I'm be a” came from my right eye.
He snapped his talon, restoring my face to its proper shape. “Very well, let's hear it.”
“Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe. All mimsy were the borogroves, and the mumraths outgrabe,” I began, with an air of loftiness.
“Mm. Sounds stuffy. Nevermind.” And Discord stopped paying attention to me, staring off into the distance at something beyond my sight, chuckling and guffawing at odd intervals. I returned to the square I had been staring at before.
“Why do you keep watching the ground there?” asked Discord, glancing in my direction. “There's so much happening out there, and the ground is just so boring.”
“Just, something on my mind, Master,” I muttered.
“Really? Well, let's see what it is!” and he jabbed me on the forehead.
The next thing I knew, I stood in the aisle of what seemed like Watt Auditorium back home, save for several differences: instead of the normal walls to either side of the stage, one was a giant bookshelf and the other was a large television screen.
I knew this place. It was my mind. The first thing I did upon realizing this was to concentrate on time dilation, making time in my mind slower than the time outside.
Discord stood beside me as he looked around. “How utterly boring. Say, who are they?” He gestured at the four figures I knew were in my head.
“They're me. The facets of my personality. Luxord, my muse. Yin, my darkness. Yang, my light. And Ember, my anger.” As I spoke, the words appeared on the TV screen, reflecting my tendency to visualize the words I think and speak.
“Really? I wonder what you'd be like with this darkness of yours in control.”
“She is.” I gestured. “That's why she's on stage.” I gestured to the vaguely feminine blob of darkness that stood on the stage, copying my movements exactly.
“She? Aren't you a contradiction? I'm surprised you're actually dating your housemate!”
I rolled my eyes. “Just because I'm feminine doesn't mean I'm homosexual. After all, the concept of Yin and Yang includes the idea that Yin has some Yang in it, and Yang has some Yin.” The white eyes of Yin on stage stared unblinkingly at Discord, and, in mirror, Yang turned in his seat to stare as well with his black pits.
“And what about your muse and your anger?”
“Luxord won't shut up sometimes and is maddeningly quiet otherwise, the heartless bastard. And Ember, thankfully, is asleep. Hasn't woken up since the Parasprite incident.”
“Parasprite incident?”
Two books on the shelf glowed and started sliding off the shelf. “It's a bit of a story,” I said quickly, pulling Discord's attention to me. But before I could say anything else, a voice echoed from the speakers to either side of the stage.
Trixie's voice.
“Discord! Get your claws off him!” There was a violent snap and a strange rushing feeling, we stood back in the world of chaos.
I stumbled back as Discord's claw slipped out of my forehead, and he turned to the Elements plus Trixie standing before his throne.
“Hello, my little ponies!” he laughed. “And what brings you together before me?!”
“Oh, please, Applejack, I'm the one who made you a liar. Don't try lying to me.”
Hand on my forehead, arm over my face, I smiled. Good. His little diversion didn't alter things enough to invalidate the endgame.
Out of the corner of my eye, Discord grabbed the Element Necklaces and pulled them towards him. As per the agreement, Discord had to give them a second shot with the Elements, but he didn't even seem to realize that they had been restored. My smile widened as Pinkie zipped under a Cotton Candy Cloud and got some Chocolate Rain before rejoining her friends with a growl.
The Rainbow of Light flowed over us before Discord had a chance to do anything, and I felt a slight tingling sensation before the Rainbow manifested its World-Healing Wave, restoring Equestria to its true beauty.
---
Chapter 2: September 28, The Return of Harmony Part 2 (finale)
---
I then turned towards the fallen statue of Discord, my severed hand laying beside it, a glower on my face. “I win.” I picked up my hand and put it beside the stump at the end of my arm. “Oh, and you were right, Discord. The wager was rigged. True Chaos is completely unpredictable. But you're not True Chaos. You're a Saturday Morning Cartoon Villain.” My skin flowed as the hand restored itself, and I felt power well up within me.
I snapped my fingers, my new Chaos Magic creating a pseudo-copy of my laptop from back home, The Return of Harmony already playing on the screen. “I'm not just a Troper, I'm a Brony. Which means I've watched the cartoon you're in from start to finish. Repeatedly. I knew they would win. Which is precisely why I made that wager.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Trixie. I turned to the girls, the Elements still glowing faintly.
“The night of the Gala, I did go and talk to Princess Luna. But before that, I approached the sealed form of Discord and offered him a wager. If he won, I would be his servant. If I won, I would get some of his power.”
“And because you come from a world where we're characters in a story...” Rarity murmured.
“Like I said, that's exactly why I made that wager. Because I knew I would win, just like he believed he had won when he broke you with corruptions of your own elements.” I skipped ahead to the maze, showing each of them their breaking from another point of view.
“A half-truth for Applejack. You did split up as friends because of the mission in the maze, but he was the cause of it and didn't tell you that.” Her eyes widened slightly.
“Mocking laughter is the worst kind, but if you can truly laugh at yourself, it can never harm you.” Pinkie looked away. I patted her on the head, then snapped my fingers, producing a miniature Chocolate-Filled Cotton Candy Cloud (With Whip Cream Snow) made, literally, out of thin air. She was all over it.
“An illusion is the only gift he could give, even when he had all the power.” Rarity bowed her head in shame. “But he never really gave you the greatest thing in the world: a choice.”
“Fluttershy, however, resisted. He tried to be tactlessly kind, to strike at your pride. But, to his frustration, you have no pride. And he was forced to dispense with the games to strike at you.” Fluttershy blushed as the others looked at her in surprise.
“Rainbow Dash, you were in the same boat as Rarity. He didn't give you a proper choice. His hypnotism tore at your loyalty to your old home and your loyalty to your friends and made you betray both.” Dash nodded.
I then knelt down and hugged Trixie, making her stiffen in surprise. “At this point you were out in the world, being laughed at by others for the revelation of your false boast. I never thought you would wind up Discorded. I'm so, so sorry.” She nuzzled me back, the fur on her muzzle tickling my cheek. I let go and turned to the last member of the party, jumping the video to the next episode, after the Discorded others had left Twilight behind.
“And finally, Twilight. Here, Friendship is the greatest Magic of all, so he struck at you indirectly, by attacking your bonds. By destroying your friendship, he tried to destroy your magic.” The others all hugged Twilight. “But, as you said, Friendship is worth fighting for.” At that point, I turned towards Canterlot, where a beacon of light was flying our way.
“But the world would have been lost, if you had never sent those letters.” Celestia touched down in front of us, and I bowed with the Mane Six, closing my laptop with a wave of my hand. “Princess, my new powers are at your disposal.”
“New powers?” she asked, blinking.
I smiled, still bowed, and snapped my fingers. In a literal flash, we all appeared in Canterlot Castle, with Discord's new statue-form beside me and upright. “I conned the 'con-equus.” Twilight groaned and face-hoofed, and I had a feeling that Pinkie would have been laughing if she wasn't still eating the CFCCC(WWCS).
“However, my powers are nowhere near as strong as the original's,” I gestured to Discord, “so I can't completely break physics like him: things that I create have to work with reality, and work best when I understand their inner workings." I said. "For example, I know a little about computers, but not enough to properly create one, so this thing," I waved a hand through the computer I had conjured up, "is little more than an illusory medium. I don't really understand the multiverse, so I don't know if I'll be able to use my magic to go to Earth."
“Then it's a good thing you are always welcome here.” Celestia smiled. The others nodded their agreement, Pinkie leaping on my back and hugging me to the ground. Which prompted the others to the pile on the hugs as well.
Three days later, preparations were complete for the awards ceremony for the Element Bearers having resealed Discord. Trixie, Spike, and I stood off to one side as the new window was unveiled, none of us being upon it. The day before, I'd had a bit of an adventure and even patched things up with Spike (more on that next chapter), but now I had some magic I could properly use, and the world was right again. I also tried to use my magic to go to Earth, but, as soon as I tried, it felt like my magic was screaming the word "no" at me at the top of it's metaphorical lungs. So no jaunts to my birth-world
I know I briefly covered the awards ceremony as part of the last chapter, since it's part of that episode, but while we were waiting for the ceremony to be set up, we spent a couple days in Canterlot, where I received some good news:
The Anthropomorphizing Spell was finished.
Immediately after receiving the news, Trixie and I made a beeline for Canterlot University. I was floating my way there because I was still giddy over having the magic to do so, but I wasn't really up to anything flashy with it just yet.
I landed as we arrived and just as we walked in the door, I was hit by a unicorn stallion who had been examining some papers, which scattered everywhere. I waved my hand and collected them, grinning as I did so, and handed them over to his yellow magic.
“Thank you- Oh! Are you the one who was after that transformation spell?” he asked, in a disturbingly familiar voice. In fact, he even looked like John de Lancie's ponified self from the documentary.
“Ah, yes,” I said, guardedly. No reason to believe this wasn't an actual pony, but the fact that he sounded like Discord had put me on guard.
“I'm Professor Quantum, the new theoretical physics teacher. I happened to find the research on it while I was here for my interview and managed to spot a couple flaws in their equations.” He chuckled, still sounded vaguely like Discord. “Apparently, that was enough to get me hired!”
“Well... Good on you, then. Would you mind directing us there?”
“Oh, it's no trouble at all! I'll even go with you, my office is in that direction.” We made the walk in silence, as he shuffled his papers about (I even had to keep him from ramming into a few others on the way), and as we walked, I felt my apprehension fade, though it didn't vanish. The only way to confirm it wasn't Discord would probably be to smack him with the Elements, but that would be a bit extreme to do on such a small hunch.
It's not like Rarity is Princess Luna just because they have the same voice actress, after all.
“Here you are,” said Professor Quantum, “the research department. Have a good day, you two!” And with a brief wave, he continued down the corridor.
After a moment to steel ourselves, we opened the door and were greeted by a completely unknown pegasus pony in a lab coat.
“Ah, hello,” he said, “you must be the one who commissioned this project.”
“I am, indeed,” I said. My stomach was starting to feel a little queasy in anticipation.
“Well, follow me, and we'll get you right to it.” A few seconds after we started walking, he started up again. “This was a particularly challenging experiment. If it hadn't been for the new professor, it might have taken another two years!” He laughed, and Trixie and I both chuckled nervously. “One of our stumbling blocks was that we were trying to change the target's magic as well as their shape, but every effort to that end went... poorly.
“Don't worry,” he continued, not even having seen my eyebrows rise for that very reason. “Nobody was seriously injured, we just had a few odd transformations, like a pegasus we tried turning into a unicorn got a wing on his head instead of a horn.”
“I thought this spell was just to turn a pony into a human and vice versa,” said Trixie.
“Oh, that was the original goal, but we found it easier to expand the end result into a template transmutation spell. Basically, the spell has two targets: what you're changing, and what species-slash-tribe you're changing them to. As I said, we tried to change their magic with their shape, but one of Professor Quantum's fixes showed that we didn't need to do that. I guess we just needed a fresh perspective on that front.”
“So now when someone is changed, it leaves them with their original magic, I presume?”
“Indeed it does! It does make for an interesting sight, watching a pegasus-turned-unicorn pony feather-fall onto a cloud without use of any spells, but it did prove the spell worked without problems. Ah, here we are.” He walked behind the desk and unfurled a scroll before us. To me, who wasn't well versed in Equestrian magic-language, it looked like so much gibberish. Fortunately, Trixie did know how to read it, even if she didn't have much experience in constructing with it.
Holding up the scroll, she mumbled what was written on it, and I felt a tingling sensation run through me as a beam from Trixie's horn swept over me. The spell then enveloped her and I averted my eyes as her shape flowed into a human form. Without looking, I snapped my fingers, and Trixie's gala dress flashed into my hand. Without a word, she took the dress from me and slid it on, though I did have to lengthen the hem a foot to keep her modesty.
She did still have her unicorn magic, but there was nothing to channel it through.
“Well, I must say, I am glad to see that it didn't just make her a copy of me,” I commented.
“It is a template-based transformation, not a clone transformation,” said the researcher, irritably. I took a glance at his desk's nameplate, getting a little tired of not knowing his name, reading it as “Dr. Thought Bubble, Th. D.” (Which meant that he held a doctorate in thaumaturgy, rather than medicine or a philosophy).
Trixie stumbled a bit as she attempted to walk. “It's quite different from walking on my hind legs as a pony. The balance is a bit off-putting.”
“I may have an idea for that,” I said. I placed my thumb, index, and middle fingers on the side of her face. “Your mind to my mind. Your thoughts to my thoughts.” With that mantra, I opened a connection between our minds, sharing basic physiological and cultural information between us.
After a moment to process the new data, I laughed. “So that's why the tail extension thing was scandalous, they're analogous to breast implants- Oh, ew.” That thought immediately made think of when Rarity cut her tail short over a year ago during the Summer Sun Celebration. That suddenly took on a new, squicky, light.
Trixie, meanwhile, was taking a walk around the room to get used to the new instincts that she had gained. “The wind on my skin is a new sensation,” she commented. Then she glanced in my direction. “I see you implanted more than motor skills.”
Dr. Thought Bubble looked intrigued. “Implanted? What does that mean?”
“I used a technique known to my world as the 'Vulcan Mind Meld,'” I replied. “Basically, we shared some info on our worlds and forms. Including, cultural standards of beauty.”
“And I have to say, that regardless of what your culture says, you are handsome to me.” I blushed lightly.
“Fascinating,” Dr. Thought said. “Regardless, there's also a reversal spell that removes the template.” He placed a new scroll on his desk.
“Thank you,” I said, and picked up the other scroll.
“No, thank you. This was an interesting project to work on. It's not quite a 'walk a mile in another's hooves' spell, but maybe someday we'll manage it.”
“Perhaps.”
Trixie and I left the research department, though that took a few minutes. The place was much bigger than it should have been, though the existence of Time Lord Technology spells made the reason fairly obvious.
“Can you teach me how do read magic-language?” I asked.
“Of course, though there's really not much to it. Some spells are simpler than others, but...”
After some time, I managed to cast the reversal spell without trouble, and then the template spell on myself. Fortunately, the mind meld gave me pony motor skills, so I had no trouble walking alongside Trixie as a pony.
And, yes, just like Trixie, I had gained the other culture's standards of beauty, and she was quite beautiful. Almost enough to make me feel inadequate, but considering we were already dating without that info, I left the feeling behind.
Not much later, I found myself with a need to toy around with my magic. I had already hovered some, and I had learned how to cast spells like a unicorn, so now I was going to try something a bit more freeform.
So I lifted off the ground and flew into the air above Canterlot by will alone. One of the many reasons I had always wanted telekinesis was this. The power to lift myself into the sky. The cold was a bit annoying, so I excited the molecules in the air around me for some heat. To amuse myself, I gave the area of effect a slight glow, making me look like a character out of Dragon Ball Z.
I was already loving magic.
“So you can fly now,” said a voice behind me. I looked to see Rainbow Dash, smug look on her face. “I wonder how fast.”
“No idea. Why don't we find out?” I grinned and flared the aura I had created, which wasn't quite white, but some kind of off-colour rainbow.
With a flap, she took off for Ponyville. I blasted off as well, the aura of warmed air moving with me as I flew. I quickly caught up with Dash, but she increased her speed, forcing me to increase speed as well to catch up. After a while, the wind started tearing away at my warmed air, so I had to put a bubble at the front, which I quickly streamlined to a bullet shape. Dash was still ahead of me as we approached the Ponyville town hall, and she whipped around it, making a u-turn back towards Canterlot and I followed.
The rush was exhilarating. I knew now why Dash liked flying so much. Before I knew it, we were already halfway back, still accelerating, when Dash broke into a Sonic Rainboom.
I was left in the metaphorical dust, so flabbergasted that I almost fell out of the air. I laughed, and snapped my fingers, reappearing on a spire of Canterlot Palace.
Dash was already there, despite my warp.
“Trying to cheat?” she joked.
“Nah, just knew I couldn't win once you hit Mach 10. Even if I broke the sound barrier, too, you had too much of a lead.” I lay back on the air. “I love magic. I just wish...”
“Wish what?”
I shook my head. “I have to go talk to Spike.”
“Oh, yeah, he was saying something about your wrist and acting weird. It was your thing with Discord, wasn't it.”
That, obviously, wasn't a question.
“Yeah. I really need to talk to him, patch things up.”
Dash nodded. “I'll tell the others.”
“Thanks.” I snapped my fingers and teleported to the library. I took a step forward and knocked on the door.
When Spike answered, he almost slammed the door in my face, but I held it open. “Spike. We need to talk. Well, I should explain, rather.”
“What's there to explain? You sold us out to Discord. Twilight told me all about it.”
“And she probably learned of it from Discord himself, who is quite the truth-twister.”
Spike sighed, then stood aside. I stepped in and pulled out my laptop-construct. “The first thing you should remember, is that I knew what was going to happen.” I started the season 2 premiere clip show again, letting it run in the background as I continued. “Something Discord did not know. He thought I was making a legitimate wager, when I had the game rigged from the beginning.”
“But how could you be sure that you didn't make things worse?”
“I added a clause to our wager that made him think I had a disadvantage from the start that said that if I interfered I would instantly lose. Though he also couldn't interfere after the initial hypnosis, but, as it was in the show, his pride was his downfall. He couldn't fathom failure. He didn't think I was capable of tricking him.”
“So, even what happened here. Was a trick?”
I sucked in a breath through my teeth. “Actually, I had no intention of leaving the house. When you showed up and asked me to come with you, I had to think fast. Obviously, I couldn't actually get it past you. But, unlike Discord, you actually knew me. You're my friend.” I spread my arms in an invitation to hug.
To my relief, he gave me a hug. “You don't have to try flattery on me. I'm just glad you didn't actually turn evil.”
After a few moments of hugging, I banished my laptop and asked, “Would you like a ride to Canterlot?” At his eager nod, I snapped my fingers.
We had a ceremony to attend.
---
After the ceremony, I performed my second major magical experiment. I'd had plenty of ideas after I concocted my plan to trick Discord into giving me magic, but one of them was key to getting most of them done.
That idea was known as Kage Bunshin no Jutsu.
Unlike most Equestrian spellcasters, I didn't actually need a preconstructed spell to do most things, like my teleportation, just as long as I could justify it working (but a properly made spell definitely made things easier on me).
Kage Bunshin had three main components: 1: The construct was physical, but frail. B: The construct took half of the power of the original for its own use. III: The construct popping would grant its experiences to the original.
With that in mind, I put my fingers in the cross shape, said the words and felt my magic wrench as another me appeared next to me.
“Did it work?” my clone asked.
“I don't know,” I said, “are we magical?”
“We are.”
“Then it worked.” Both of me grinned. “Stage one complete.”
“No idea how many we could make, though.”
“True. Still, you know the next step?'
“Yep. First the Canterlot library until I can find the right info, then to the ocean to test it.”
“Which will also test the memory retention part.” I shook hands with myself, then I went our separate ways.
I smiled at that. Now I just had to wait on the results and I could really start a revolution. I laughed at my inadvertent pun (you'll find out soon enough) and took off. I had a new attraction to put up.
Further limiting my powers, I couldn't create something from nothing. Even my clone was made of air (hence why he would poof with one good hit). But, with the right application of logic (something Discord neither wanted, nor needed), I could easily get around that.
Or so I thought.
I plucked an acorn from one of the trees of the Canterlot gardens and took off for Ponyville, specifically my house. Trixie and the others had already gone ahead, knowing that I was going to stay behind and experiment.
Here was the concept of this trick: Every seed contains a tree. Every tree makes more seeds, which contain more trees. Ergo, every seed is an infinite amount of wood, just add water, sunlight, and time.
Or magic, in this case. Hovering above and behind my house, I threw the acorn and willed.
---
I found myself waking up with a pounding headache, a dry mouth, and an aching body; I could faintly make out a beeping over the headache, and a light pressure on my right hand.
“Urgh...” I moaned.
“Oh, thank Celestia!” cried Trixie. Blearily, I could make out the cyan of her hair to my right. “You absolute idiot! Do you have any idea what you've done?!”
My mouth creaked as I tried to reply.
“I didn't think so. You've completely exhausted your magic. I know you had only had it for a day, but you still shouldn't have pushed yourself like that.”
I managed to croak, “Time...?”
“You've been out two days. You're also probably going to be bed-ridden for the rest of the week. What were you thinking?”
“Enter..” I tried to lick my lips, but a dry tongue can't wet anything. “...tainment.”
“Entertainment?!” she hissed. “You. Argh!” I heard stomping, then the door opening. “Get to sleep!” and the door slammed.
I mentally sighed. Just then, I noticed something new in my head. Some new memories. Well, that worked. Unfortunately, the experiment I'd sent the clone on was currently inconclusive.
Take a metal disc, add durability and friction-reduction runes (which was originally earth pony magic here in Equestria) until it's nearly indestructible, then a couple movement runes pointed in opposite directions to make it spin, then one more to draw in magic to power the whole thing. And that was a Warlock's Wheel.
However, the clone had popped the instant the last rune had been carved. Probably disrupted the spell that kept the clone together.
I'd have to check on the Wheel when I got better...
The Warlock's Wheel, conceptualized in Larry Niven's The Magic Goes Away, was used to test how much magic was in the air. It would spin as long as it could get magic, thanks to the combination of runes carved into it.
My first clone had popped when the magic sustaining its form was absorbed by the Wheel. So, four days after I woke up, I was recovered enough that I could make a clone to take my place while I inspected the Wheel myself.
It was still spinning, even after four days, and there were no signs of slowing during the hour I watched it. There were propeller-esque blades on it to keep it from drilling itself into the ground under the sea, but not enough to make it go flying into space. But I did notice the clouds were starting to form a circle, so I moved some air above it to lessen the pressure and it shot off towards space.
So, as far as I could tell, Equestria's ambient magic regenerated faster than the Wheel could use it to spin. Which meant a hydroelectric dam without the water. Just the ambient magic.
Which meant free electricity for Equestria. But there were... problems with that plan.
“Alright,” I muttered. “everything appears to be in order. Anti-friction enchantment is active, copper coils and magnets in place. Let's try this again.” With a few gestures, a throttle rune “opened” and on the Warlock's Generator the magic absorption rune glowed. Almost immediately after the Wheel started turning, the light bulb I had crafted (vacuum-sealed incandescents are much easier to make when you can magic out the air) lit up, power flowing from the generator to the bulb. I started to grin, when a loud “POW” sounded out, and the light bulb shattered.
“Curses! Still too much. Maybe I should contact an engineer.” I sat back on air as I contemplated the situation, gathering the shards of light bulb together again with a gesture. With the successful testing of several experiments, I was doing my best to turn the building I had grown from a single acorn (I was surprised to see the spell had worked, despite using up almost all of my magic in the process) into an entertainment centre. This meant cinemas and gaming rooms and a library, and most of that needed electricity.
So I needed to make sure that anything I hooked up the grid didn't blow out all the equipment in the building. I also had plans to weave wires through the building like thread in a shirt (or something), but I also wanted to try and summon the metal from the ground directly. Still needed the rubber, though.
I'd also tried doing a bit of self-modification, but the only things that resulted was much-improved eyesight and I was no longer quite so sensitive to light, these were mostly fixed with the guiding knowledge of Dr. See More, and I had basically partitioned part of my magic to maintain a mostly permanent version of the eidetic memory spell. It was bizarre and useful to have a clear image of whatever memory I wanted at all times.
Still needed sleep, though, as much as I wanted plenty of time to work on all of the things.
I sighed as I resolved to look up the nearest Equestrian Electrical Engineer, pulled the magic away from the Wheel (a little trick I developed to make my experiments easier; I couldn't make all the Wheels fly into space), closed the throttle rune, and headed home. Even with my new perfect recall, there were many things I had not read or skimmed while on Earth, so I still had to consult people or books that knew more, and there was no shortage of those.
Anyways, after the debacle that had resulted from my utterly draining myself, I had been forced to attend a few classes from Twilight on measuring one's own magic and self control, both of which were things that most unicorns could do instinctively by the time they got their cutie mark.
Twilight was not one of these unicorns. She'd had to work hard for her control, and so she was the perfect teacher to get me up to speed on handling my new magic. That had only lasted a couple of days, and I'd been such a good student that she hadn't written any friendship reports on the matter.
She almost did one for the instigating incident, but it wasn't really a friendship matter, just an idiocy one.
And with today being the day of a friendly picnic, reality was practically screaming “It's time for Lesson Zero!”
Trixie and I weren't really asked to bring anything to said picnic, but we were still bringing some veggies and dip.
As I approached home (not that it was far from the nascent Entertainment Centre), I was approached by Trixie coming the other way, a perturbed look on her face, and picnic basket held in her magic.
“Twilight?” I asked simply.
Trixie blinked, nearly tripping over her hooves as she paused. “Uh, yeah. How'd you-” she paused and face-hooved. “The show. It's been so long since something happened. Well, aside from... Discord...”
“Yep. From what I've been able to discern, today is the day of 'Lesson Zero.' After this, I will be able to step up my interference.” I cracked my back and touched down, a momentary flash activating my second “permanent” spell: the Template Transmutation (Form: Unicorn).
As a unicorn, I still had access to my Chaos Magic, though it was channelled solely through my horn, rather than anywhere I wanted. To describe myself as a unicorn was fairly simple; I was light tan with a dark brown mane and tail, and my cutie mark was as I'd envisioned as an open book full of incomprehensible writing.
I nuzzled Trixie and we headed off to the picnic's location. While we travelled, I explained that Twilight was going to be rather... off-kilter, and the reason why. While we both agreed that Twilight's reason didn't mean much to either of us, we also agreed that everyone had something that could set them off, even if it didn't mean much to another.
I had tempered my own emotions, but once upon a time, I was easily set off by people interrupting me, especially when I was reading. Yeah, that got me in trouble more than once in school.
After arriving at the picnic site, everyone got things set up in remarkable time (though I did have to retrieve Pinkie's balloon basket when it started flying away), even Rarity, who still managed to forget the plates (but not her chaise lounge). It helps that a great many things were suddenly only a snap of my fingers away.
And then Twilight showed up.
If it had been disconcerting to see Twilight frazzled as an animation, to see it in person was actually rather horrifying. She was blinking liberally as hairs from her mane hung over her face and into her eyes, and her lips were stretched almost unnaturally into a severe Unsmile.
Applejack was first to speak up. “Are... you alright, hun?”
“NO!” shouted Twilight, practically blowing us all back. “I am not alright!”
The others moved in, expressing concern.
“It's just terrible.”
“Yes?”
“Simply awful.”
“Yes?!”
“It's the most horrific trouble I've ever been in and I reall really really need your help!”
“YES?!”
“My letter to Princess Celestia is almost overdue, and I haven't learned anything about friendship.”
That bit of “drama” done with, everyone sighed in relief. Except for myself and Trixie. As Twilight attempted to explain the problem, and the others dismissed it, I readied myself to take things off the rails.
“Come on now. Have a seat and stop sweatin' the small stuff,” said Applejack.
As Twilight started on her way off back to town and her encounter with the CMC, I barred her path with a cage made of hard air. And, thanks to having studied the normal unicorn form of teleportation, I warded the area against her warping out as well.
“Twilight,” I said, sitting down beside the air-cage. I summoned my teapot and two mugs, pouring a cup for each of us. “Sit down. Have some tea.”
“But, I need to find a friendship problem!”
“Right now, you need some calming tea and a healthy application of logic.”
Twilight grumpily sat down hard on the grass and yanked the tea out of my grip with her magic. After a sip, she looked with surprise into the mug.
“Yes, I got some of your favourite tea. Now, please, and I know this can be hard, explain to us your train of thought.” The others watched with interest as Twilight recounted: late on assignment -> fear Celestia would think she wasn't serious -> sent back a grade -> Royal teacher means more severe “sending” -> Magic Kindergarten and life is ruined.
I nodded, sipped at my tea, and refilled Twilight's shaking mug. She still hadn't noticed that the air-cage had vanished as soon as she first took the tea from me. “Thank you. Now, let us examine this closer. Did Princess Celestia ever directly tell you that you had to send a letter every week, or within a week from the previous?”
Twilight stopped short. “N-no...”
“You can't be tardy if there's no deadline, can you?”
“I... I guess not...”
“Now, do you really think Celestia would believe that you don't love the friends you made when she facilitated your move to Ponyville just to be with them?”
“Well, when you put it like that...”
I scratched my face. “I can't really speak on the whole 'sent back a grade' thing, because it didn't really happen in Ionia. Same with holding someone back a grade. I heard someone call it an 'elevator school' once.” Twilight's face fell slightly. “But, I do have someone who's an authority on this matter.”
Twilight blinked curiously, then her eyes widened as my suprise guest appeared behind us.
“I sent a letter inviting the Princess to our picnic today, but I asked her if she could be... discreet at first. You see, you were, having an episode?” Trixie groaned loudly at my pun, even as Pinkie laughed.
Celestia stepped past me and hugged Twilight with both wings.
“Oh, Twilight, my dear, dear student,” she started. “You are such a dedicated pupil, you humble me. I don't need a letter every week to know that you are an exemplary student.”
“R-really?”
“Indeed.”
With a happy sob, Twilight collapsed into Celestia's embrace. There wasn't a dry eye in the picnic, metaphorically speaking (but if Pinkie actually activated her waterworks, I'm sure it wouldn't be metaphorical any more).
Personally, I was happy with my accomplishment, and my change. When I first arrived in Equestria, I was bound and determined to not interfere. To let the “episodes” play out without changing anything. Then I changed my stance to “I can start making changes after Lesson Zero.” But... Why start there? If I can help, no matter the when, then I will. I already ruined a few future events with little things. But then again, maybe, there's no such thing as “little things.”
To quote the Doctor, “Nobody important? Blimey, that's amazing. You know that in nine hundred years of time and space and I've never met anybody who wasn't important before.”
Only, you know, substitute the references to people with moments.
My entertainment centre's development was going slowly. I had managed to bring a few engineers and scientists into my Warlock's Generator project, which caused a great deal of commotion.
Apparently, no one had ever considered trying to use rune-magic in the creation of technology.
So, it seemed I really had set off a revolution, though the first thing all of them started working on was limiting the drain to purely ambient magic, as it was otherwise impossible to use magic on the Generator.
Anyways, I'd had to give up on the lightbulb part of the experiment, but my patent (pending) on the device meant that if it went into full production, I'd get the credit and the cash. I also had an electrical engineer coming by in a week or so to talk about wiring up the centre.
I had just copied down the centre's blueprints to a sheet of parchment when a flash of purple light heralded Twilight's arrival at my side. She looked a bit panicked about something. I only had to wait a moment to find out what.
“Joe! I'm pretty sure you know what's going to happen, you've gotta help!”
I raised an eyebrow. “Okay... Mind explaining further?”
Twilight blushed and coughed into a hoof. “Um, yes. I was just visited by, um, myself?”
Well. That was far earlier than I expected.
Twilight continued. “She- I- she-.” Well, tried to anyways.
“I generally refer to any other of myself as me. Mostly for our own amusement.”
“Right. Anyways, I didn't look good. Eyepatch, bad hair-”
“Scar, and spysuit.” We finished together. I continued. “Yes. It's About Time.”
“I'm sorry?”
I snickered. I hadn't meant to make that pun. “Sorry myself. I accidentally made a pun. The episode name is 'It's About Time' and I was making a comment about the event involving time.”
“Oh.”
“Anyways, I'm sure that things aren't going to be precisely as I remember. Mind showing me what happened?”
Twilight nodded, and cast a quick illusion, replaying the scene from her perspective on an illusory screen in the air. She'd gotten a lot better at those since Trixie became her student.
“-that could leave me a half-hour scheduling window!” The air in the room started to pick up. “Huh?”
With a flash and a crackle of lightning, a Twilight Sparkle appeared before Twilight. She looked exactly the same was as in the future-historical records.
“What's going on?” shouted perspective-Twilight.
Future!Twi rushed forward. “Twilight, you've got to listen to me!”
“Who are you?” Twilight asked, before declaring her future self scientifically impossible.
I held up a hand and she paused the video. “First, a joke: 'says the magic unicorn.' Second, 'There are more things in heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Shakespeare. Finally, Kage Bunshin no Jutsu.” A duplicate of myself appeared, waved, and disappeared. “Continue.”
Twilight glowered a moment before rolling her eyes and picking up where she left off.
”Twilight, please!” pleaded Future!Twi. “I have a very important message for you from the future!”
“You're from the future?!” asked Twilight excitedly.
(To be honest, I'd be excited too)
”That's right. Now listen.”
“What happened to you? The future must be awful.” Past!Twi's hoof temporarily appeared in the field of vision as she tapped on her cheek.
“I should have listened to him in the first place.” Future!Twi muttered. “Look, I don't have much time.”
“Is there some kind of epic pony war in the future or something?”
“No! I'm from next Tuesday morning! Listen to me!”
“I can't believe time travel's possible! How'd you- I- figure it out?”
“Canterlot archives,” growled Future!Twi, obviously getting annoyed by all the interruptions. “Starswirl the Bearded wing.”
“Does time travel hurt? All that electricity looked like it-”
Future!Twi plugged Past!Twi's mouth with a hoof. “Ugh. I have a very important message, and I don't have a whole lot of time! Listen to me! When it comes to the future, don't-”
Future!Twi disappeared.
“Well?” asked Present!Twi. Okay, dropping the gag.
“The future itself is always murky, even when we have my advantage,” I began, taking an authoritative tone and lecturing pose. “That being said, there's a good deal of good things that come out of this.”
“Like what?”
“Well, what's the first thing you'd do if I wasn't here to give you advice?”
“Well, whatever it was had to happen within a week... But we don't know what kind of disaster it could be. So... Disaster-proof Equestria?”
“That's something likely to help regardless of whether Future-Twilight appeared, wouldn't it?”
Twilight looked contemplative. “I guess... But that really doesn't answer my question.”
“Let's put it this way.” I cleared my throat, then adjusted my voice and quoted. “'People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually, from a nonlinear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey... stuff.'” I smiled and dropped David Tennant's voice. “In other words, time is complicated. Because answer me this: where are the time travel spells?”
“In the Starswirl the Bearded wing of the Canterlot archives.”
“How do you know that?”
“My future self... told... me...” A look of dawning comprehension appeared on her face.
“Correct. Basically, we've entered Ontological Paradox territory. Also called a 'Bootstrap Paradox' or 'Stable Time Loop,' the outcome must remain the same as the instigating event.” I sighed. “Which means I can't really help. As much as I'd like to.” I raised my eyebrows. “That being said, there's a couple points in your visitation that have definitely changed from what I know.”
“Really? What points?”
“Future you was far more abrupt, but the main point was the phrase 'I should have listened to him in the first place.'” I shrugged. “I can only guess what that's about, but I get the feeling the 'him' you were talking about was me. Could be wrong, though.”
“So, you really can't help? You can't tell me what the disaster is?”
“I can't. You'll have to figure out how to stop worrying and love time travel all on your own.”
Twilight began walking away dejectedly.
“That being said,” I continued, stopping her. “Anything in the here and now? I'll gladly give you a hand.” I lifted off the ground and floated beside her, summoning spheres of light in each hand just to look flashy. “So you just tell me what you want me to do for my part in disaster-proofing the country.”
Twilight smiled.
---
It was kinda surprising how much sway Twilight held in Equestria that we managed to get practically everypony (and other species) in the country in on the disaster-proofing session.
Which meant that everything was as done as possible in about a day. Which was honestly kind of ridiculous.
Even so, nobody but me (and Trixie, because I warned her; the Ursa left its mark on her psyche when it came to gigantic creatures) expected Cerberus to just charge into town and start chewing on things.
As Pinkie panicked for the fun of it (again), and many Ponyvillians panicked for real, Fluttershy immediately calmed the three-headed canine down without any issues. When Twilight got an emergency ball from Pinkie and prepared to head off, I shrugged and moved to follow, creating a kage bunshin to inform Trixie.
Along the way to the Gates of Tartarus, I had a conversation with Twilight about the parallels in Greek Mythology and Equestrian Ecology. Hydrae, Cerberus, Tartarus, unicorns, pegasi (though there was but one Pegasus in mythology), etc. and so forth. I even started in on a lecture about the history of the Greek pantheon, starting with the Protogenoi.
The Gates of Tartarus themselves didn't look like a gateway at all. Rather, in the shadow of the Canterlot mountain range, there rose a monolith almost completely like the Space Odyssey one. However, I wouldn't call it black. The monolithic gateway was an unlight source that hurt to look at, the area surrounding it almost completely as dark as the Everfree Forest's depths despite the stars and full moon shining down.
I was mildly surprised to discover that Twilight hadn't been there before, until she explained that such a prison was even less likely to have escapees if no one knew where it was, and she was the Princess' Prized Pupil and couldn't leave Canterlot without an escort during her learning years (not that she left it much anyways). Cerberus snuffled around the area, growling softly at one point, before sitting down in front of the Gate. Twilight left the ball with him as we left, after I pat all three heads, scratched them behind the ears and informed the giant dog that he was, in fact, a good boy.
We travelled back to Ponyville on a conjured non-sapient flying carpet, since Twilight was tired from walking. As we flew low to the ground, Twilight explained to me that the Gates serve a double purpose. Not only are they nigh impossible to open from either side, requiring massive amounts of power equal to an alicorn, but if anything were to pass through without a specific item every speck of magic in them would be instantly drained completely.
And in such a magic-saturated world as Equestria, few are the beings that could possibly handle losing all their magic in such a fashion, let alone doing so and having to contend with Cerberus on the other side of the door.
We theorized that I could probably make it, though I would not have been able to open the Gates. We speculated on what could possibly have pulled Cerberus from his duties, but the magical beast was so well-disciplined that pretty much nothing we'd come up with or joked about was likely to do it. A mystery for the Royal Guard and Celestia, I suppose.
The next morning, I separated from Twilight at the edge of Ponyville to go home and sleep.
It would be another three days before Twilight was seen in public again. Not counting her trip to “Madam Pinkie's” while I was asleep.
---
As it so happens, I was in stopping by the library at the same time Pinkie passed by, having just finished my latest stack of borrowed books. As I should have known, I was greeted by the sight of Twilight flitting between telescopes and making feverish notes on all sorts of esoteric data.
“Twilight's really serious about finding out about that cool birthday present, isn't she?” asked Pinkie, looking at Spike.
“Who cares?” retorted Spike, eating from a carton of partially-melted ice cream. “As long as I can keep eating ice cream. Sorry, future Spike.”
I sighed. “Twilight-” I started.
“Ah, good, I'm glad you're here,” babbled Twilight. “Can you calibrate-” followed by some technical jargon I probably could have puzzled out if she hadn't been slurring slightly from the lack of rest.
“Twilight-” I tried again.
“I've been thinking since Madam Pinkie and the flowerpot – see the bandage? Same one!”
“Nice!” cheered Pinkie.
“I had an epiphany, you see, if doing something didn't change the future, and not doing anything didn't do it either, then the only recourse left to me is obvious!” She grabbed me by the shoulders and stared into my eyes with her own bloodshot orbs.
“Monitor everything,” I said with her, though I was markedly less enthusiastic about it than she was. “Twilight, I thought I-”
“That way,” she interrupted, “no matter-”
This time, fed up, I pinched my fingers together, willing my magic into holding her lips shut.
“Stop.” I growled. “Interrupting. Me.” After a moment to regain my composure, I continued.
“Twilight. I told you, when this whole thing began, that we were in the middle of an Ontological Paradox. You cannot change the outcome of this week. It is impossible scientifically, metaphysically, and mystically. This week ends, with you in the Starswirl the Bearded Wing, casting a time travel spell on yourself to talk to yourself, starting this whole chain of events. END OF LINE.”
After a moment, I released my hold on her. She sat, stunned, for a few moments before sighing. “But, how will I know what went wrong so I can fix it if...” She trailed off.
This time, I sighed and sat down beside her. “Twilight, I get where you're coming from. If this universe wasn't apparently run with an Immutable Fate type of time travel, I'd be right by you in trying to avert a disaster. But, at this time there's only one thing we can do: close the loop.” I looked at the stunned-silent Pinkie and Spike. “Pinkie, mind getting out an emergency eyepatch?”
“Sure,” said Pinkie, zipping over to the fireplace. “But why? No one needs it.”
“Because the future me had one,” said Twilight, rather morose, before she perked up. “Wait, why did you say 'Immutable Fate type.' There are multiple kinds of time travel?”
“I've actually been writing some stuff on that lately,” I admitted, as Twilight put on her eyepatch. “Going over the various forms of fictional time travel I've read about, I've come up with a list dealing with such things. I'll tell you all about it on the way to Canterlot.”
“Ooh! Can I come, too?” asked Pinkie, eagerly bouncing in place.
“Sure. Spike needs to come with as well.” I stood up and dusted myself off, once again manifesting a kage bunshin to explain things to Trixie. “Now. We've got a train to catch.”
---
Suffice to say, we made it to Canterlot really late, and by the time we reached the Starswirl Wing it was around four in the morning. I circumvented a good deal of the ridiculousness by straight-u pasking the patrolling guard for permission to enter, which he only gave after Twilight stepped out of the shadows, as well.
We hunted around the stacks for a good hour and a half, the sun rising just before Pinkie managed to uncover the scroll. I greeted the Princess as she walked through the gardens just outside the window (she had no reason to be in a restricted section of the archives at that hour), and she in turn complimented Twilight on her post-apocalypse chic.
As predicted, Twilight realized what a massive idiot she had been over the last few days (sleep deprivation can do that to a person), and gingerly took the old scroll from Pinkie before casting the time travel spell.
As Twilight disappeared into the past, finalizing her Stable Time Loop, I grabbed the scroll the spell was on. There were two spells on the scroll, the first was the one-use-only time travel spell, which could also only target your personal timeline, so you'd appear for a short time in the vicinity of your past self before being rubber-banded back to your present.
The other was a single-use reality transfer spell. I had a ticket back to Earth, but it was one way. And I couldn't do that. Not to my pony friends, and especially not to Trixie.
Why were both of them only one-use, though? And how'd the writer know that if they weren't designed that way?
With a gust of wind and a flash of light, Twilight returned from the past.
“-Waste your time worrying... about...” she face-hoofed. “I can't believe I just did that!”
“Did you tell her about the cool birthday present?” asked Pinkie. Must be good, considering how insistent she is.
“No,” I replied. “She just closed a Stable Time Loop.”
“Huh?” The others glanced at me.
“And a good thing, too. Remember, you told yourself that the spell to take you back in time was here. If you hadn't done that, you would never have known to find it and go back in time to tell you how to find it. Oh, and you never would have caused yourself to go mad with worry and come here in the first place. Major paradox.”
Twilight sighed, “And now I'm going to spend the past week freaking out about a disaster that's never going to exist! And you even warned me that things weren't as bad as they seemed.”
“Which is precisely how you learned to not worry,” I countered, smirking, “and learned to love time travel. Let the past worry about the past, the present worry about the present, and the future worry about the future.”
Twilight shot me a glare and opened her mouth to say something.
“Urrrgh,” groaned Spike, his spoon clattering to the floor. “My stomach! It must have been all the ice cream. I thought the stomach-ache would be Future Spike's problem, but now I am Future Spike.”
“Someday, I really need to talk temporal mechanics with someone,” I muttered as the others laughed and prepared to leave. I held up the scroll. “Just a sec, guys. There's something else on this scroll.” I explained about the reality transfer spell, and the issue with using it.
“Let me see that again,” asked Pinkie. I handed it over and she hmmed, before looking at Twilight.
“Hey, Twilight, what do you think would happen if you sent Joe back in time to before he arrived in Equestria?”
I froze as Twilight contemplated the question. “Well,” she said, “it would either fizzle out, since it wouldn't work past universal barriers, or...”
“Or it could send me to Earth before I got here, and then I could cast the reality spell on my past self, closing my own Stable Time Loop!” I finished, eyes wide. “This explains how I got here! I sent myself!”
“Why didn't you tell yourself that?”
“I fell asleep almost the instant the marathon had finished, I never would have seen myself to explain. Twi, if you can cast that time travel spell on me later, I'm going to write a note first and leave it for my family to find, along with something that had to have come from here and nowhere else. That way, they won't worry so badly.”
“How about a picture?” asked Pinkie, holding up a random camera.
“Wouldn't work, Pinks. Photoshop, remember? Let's just head back home. I'll think of something eventually.” With a snap, the scroll's text was duplicated onto a spare in my pocket and all the various books and papers were returned to their shelves.
“Okay, so we've experimented with the Time Jaunt spell-” Twilight rolled her eyes. She didn't much care for the nickname I'd given Starswirl's Temporal Transference Spell or whatever its original name was again. “-And we know that if something gets left behind uptime it stays behind.”
Indeed, we'd effectively sacrificed Pinkie, Fluttershy, Spike, and Applejack's ability to have the spell cast on them for experiments on the limitations of the spell. We'd learned that one could leave behind something that had been taken back, and that something from the past could be brought to the present with the snap-back, which invariably happened after a minute.
“We've gone over this already,” said Spike, writing down what was happening. “Why are you going over it again?”
“Nerves, in part,” I replied.
And now it was time to see if it would work across worlds by sending me into my past, a little over a year ago. The spell's target was defined before the casting, rather than by how much power was put into it, though it took extra power to go back further. So I'd charged up a few gems, provided by Rarity, to contain extra mana that Twilight could pull on to complete the spell.
On my person, I had my usual coat and a couple things to leave behind: a pre-written note, a jewel that would be hard for anyone to explain away without my note, and a photograph that had been taken by Spike of the other eight of us standing on the front porch. Hopefully, these would be enough to explain my sudden disappearance.
In addition, I'd memorized a spell like the one I used to copy the Time Jaunt and Dimension Gate spell scroll, but would let me hold the “paste” function until later. I planned to use it to copy the library and maybe the video-and-game collections of my family so I could reproduce them Equestria-side.
We were standing in my living room, hoping that there'd be some kind of resonance effect allowing me to arrive in the same spot as I left, instead of potentially somewhere else in the house (the output point of the spell was pretty much random, but we could hope).
I breathed deep a couple times before I nodded to Twilght, who was standing nearby surrounded by everyone else and with six gems floating around her. It was an odd coincidence, but each gem was not only a different colour, but also the colours of the Elements of Chrono Cross: Red, Yellow, Blue, Green, Black, and White. This fact is more amusing to me now than it was back when it happened.
Twilight charged up her horn and shot the spell at me, the six gems adding their power to the spell. I felt an odd warmth coming from my pocket and then everything seemed to stretch and shrink and twist and expand at the same time.
Everything went black.
I blinked a few times, then felt a shudder pass through me with a single all-encompassing sound:
The tick of a clock.
Then, suddenly, I was back where I had been standing, gasping for breath. And looking upon my sleeping self.
I knew I had to get to work fast, I had only a minute after all. So I grabbed the items to be left and dropped them on the coffee table, an octagonal affair that dad built after the black one I had in my version of the house had fallen apart. I then grabbed my real computer, coiled up the power cable, and put it in my pocket.
Then I cast the Dimension Gate spell on my past self. It drained me pretty bad, about half my magic in one go, but I saw myself seem to slide into the couch, a light shimmer like heat on asphalt signifying where the point of exit was for a half a second after I vanished before vanishing itself.
Loop complete.
With fifteen seconds left (casting the spell took time), I stretched my magic as far as it could reach and copied every book, tape (video and audio), CD, record, DVD, and game cartridge in the house. Immediately, a headache began to form right at the centre of my head.
Time was up, electricity sparking down my arms. I looked to where I had been sitting and gasped in shock. My pocket watch, the one Time Turner had made for me, was with the other three items I'd brought to leave behind. I had no idea how it got there from my pocket, but it was shining brightly in the sun, and I was just reaching for it when the world began to distort again.
I hadn't heard anything when I left Equestria, but moments before I vanished from Earth, I heard a telltale sound.
The “VWORP” of a TARDIS engine.
Then I was in blackness again.
I floated there for another couple blinks before being ejected into my house in Equestria, no tick of a clock accompanying me. As the others gathered around to check on me, for the previous tests hadn't caused such a violent snap-back, I felt the headache worsen. It spread to the front of my head, then the temples, and I gripped at my skull. I couldn't focus, the pain feeling like my skull was splitting.
“Something-” I tried to choke out. “In head-” I grabbed the wall and climbed to my feet. “Pain!”
to the basement
I wasn't sure where the thought came from, but I jumped over the railing to the basement stairs. Everyone upstairs shouted in shock and stared after me.
workshop
I crashed into a wall and nearly tripped on the game room curtains as I moved to the workshop, wrenching open the door, then slamming it behind me.
workshop of the mind
Trusting my instincts, the only explanation I had for the clear-but-quiet voice, I saturated the workshop with my magic.
What had been full of unused carpentry equipment and empty shelves shimmered and transformed, stretching into a new shape.
Watt Auditorium. No. My mindscape.
The headache remained, but had lessened. I could think properly again. Observe better.
It looked like liquid night was pouring from backstage. It was barely being held in check by my mental constructs, but they had been losing ground.
I made to approach Luxord, to ask him what was happening (he was my muse and logic centre, after all), when a lion's paw landed on my shoulder.
“Let him concentrate,” said a horribly familiar voice. “They're doing their best to keep all that information from overloading your brain.”
I turned my head slowly to left, slightly dreading what I knew I was going to see. Discord. Still in my head.
He glanced back at me from the large screen that had just broadcast my thoughts. It was mostly static, but words still formed when they entered my head.
“Don't worry,” he said, softly, “I'm not the real deal. He's completely left the mind. I'm your newest mental construct, representing your magic and your instinct. I look like him, because you still think of your magic as being of him.”
“You were the one who brought me in here,” I panted. A wave of starry night surged against Luxord's cards, shoving him, Yin, Yang, and a still-drowsy Ember back a few steps.
“You need to be in your mindscape to properly fix this,” he responded. “I can give you nudges, guide you when you can't think of what to do, but its up to you on how to ultimately go forward.”
“What happens if I can't figure this out?”
“How should I know? I'm just as in the dark as you.” He looked to the stage. “But judging by what we're seeing... Catatonia as who you are gets washed away by what you know. You, and everything that makes us you, consumed by too much data.”
“Johnny Mnemonic.”
The stars of knowledge surged again, as one scene of the old movie attempted to make itself known... How did I know that was what just happened?
“It's your mind!” shouted Luxord. “Everything in here is you! We just need more- ngh!” The information surged again.
“I've always strived to keep an open mind,” I said. Why am I monologuing? “But maybe this time, I just need to think bigger.” With an echo in my voice, I spread my hand towards the stage.
There was an almost imperceptible swelling, things stretching, and the waves of liquid space began to calm.
“Welcome to my brain,” I intoned, my magic surrounding myself and the mindscape. “It's Bigger On The Inside.”
The next thing I knew, I was laying outside the workshop, surrounded by everyone else, exceptionally dizzy and light headed.
“Joe!” cried Trixie, putting my head in her human lap. “What happened? We couldn't get the door open!”
“320 gigs of data in an 80 gig skull,” I replied blearily. “I had to make room.”
Twilight gasped this time, hoof over her mouth. “Then, you... What did you lose?” she whispered at the end.
“Nothin'.” I smiled with half my face; the other half felt kind of numb. “Made it bigger. My head, my rules.”
Pinkie jiggled the handle of the workshop door. “Still won't open,” she said, confused.
“Not a normal door, now. Leads into my mind,” I yawned. “Only opens by my hand...” I fell asleep there. Afterwards, Trixie apparently carried me up to bed. I awoke hours later to her cuddling me in her sleep. I hugged her back and lazily created a kage bunshin to go back to the mindscape.
I needed to talk to my new tenant.
---
The worst part about being a shadow clone, was that, at the back of my mind, I knew I wasn't the original.
Regardless, everything else about me was exactly the same as the original lying in bed right now, which meant that I could, in fact, do what I needed me to and access the Mind Workscape (name to be revised).
I opened the door and stepped through. The place looked exactly the same as when the original left it, though it felt odd due to the stretchyness of the mind expansion thing. It took just as long to walk across the mental auditorium as the real thing, but it felt larger than it looked.
I was greeted at the stage by the facets of personality.
“So,” I started. “You're not him.” I directed this at the Discord facsimile.
“That's what I said, little shadow,” he said, leaning on the air.
“And how do I know that's the truth?”
“Any one of us could tell you,” answered Luxord, “but I rather doubt you would believe he didn't just warp our perceptions.”
“It is a possibility,” I agreed.
“Oh, I know,” “Not”-Discord said. “This is a thing the big man changed after the real deal was in here.” He approached the bookshelf and pulled out a book at random. He showed us all the cover of it, which was emblazoned with the Yin half of the Taijitu.
“Right, to keep someone from reading my memories without permission,” I nodded. That fact alone is something a shard of Discord would know if he'd been in here long enough. Each of the books was now adorned with one of four symbols, and the contents randomized and written on top of itself for as long as the symbol was there, making a book unreadable.
“Yang, would you mind terribly if I read this?” he asked, holding the book out to light side. Yang nodded and walked over, placing his hand, and his mark on the book. The completed Taijitu then faded out, and “Not”-Discord opened the book to reveal the memory within. It was me (well, the original), laying on the living room couch on Earth, attempting to make my own book on tape for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
“Well, that does somewhat assure me,” I said. “But you could have learned about that from watching the screen over there.” I gestured to the TV Wall, where the original's content thoughts of being curled up in bed with someone he loved were being displayed.
Not-Discord pouted before closing the book and placing it back on the shelf. “I know, what if I were to ramp up our instincts a little. Get the blood flowing?” He grinned in a mildly malicious manner.
“You try that,” I growled. “And regardless of whether or not you're part of my mind, I'll come in here and discorporate you myself.”
Not-Discord held up his hands in surrender and in the spirit of “we've got a badass over here.” “Oh, very well. Then I have one last thing to try.” Not-Discord stood upon the stage, slightly displacing Yin, and placed his talon over his heart while raising his paw. “I solemnly swear on my Self, that I am in no way part or whole of the real Discord, and should I be lying, I promise to eject myself from this mindscape forthwith and forevermore.”
And nothing happened. I knew exactly why, too:
“Kami can't break their word,” Instinct and I said together, and I smiled.
“Now that that business is out of the way,” said Luxord. “I have an observation the, ah, overmind might be interested in.” I merely quirked an eyebrow in response. “The five colours are complete.”
I looked at the five facets of my Self. “Well, I guess we're mostly in balance, then,” I commented.
“Mostly,” Luxord nodded. “But if we want to truly be in balance, we can't let Ember sleep all the time. Even the half-drowsy state it lives in now isn't quite enough.”
“I'm passing it along, but I doubt I'm going to be doing much in that direction any time soon.”
“With how long we've been stoic,” murmured Yin, “it would be quite difficult to be anything else.”
“Old habits and all that!” boasted Yang.
“righ',” sleepily muttered Ember, fighting off a yawn. "you do tha'."
“...You're all far more animated and vocal than you were when Discord brought me in here for the first real visit,” I said.
“It's the magic,” explained Instinct. “It's taken how you view yourself and enhanced it along those lines. That's part of why I look like Discord, remember?”
“Because, in my heart, I haven't accepted that the magic is actually mine.” I nodded, then paused. “You guys aren't going to talk to me while I'm not in here, are you?”
“rarely,” said Ember.
“For the most part, we'll keep being simple facets of the greater Joe Glenn McCord,” agreed Luxord. “But when you need to think harder, or feel more-”
“-Or trust your instincts,” quipped Instinct.
“Quite – then we'll speak up. But only while you need us.”
“Sounds good. However, there's another curious thing on the agenda. I need the memory of when I visited Earth earlier today.” I gestured to the Book Wall and a tome slid out and flew into my hand. This one had a flaming heart on it. “Luxord, would you mind unlocking this?”
“Not a problem at all.” He tossed a card onto the cover, and the Nobody Crest merged with the heart into Master Eraqus' symbol before fading out. Instead of opening the book, I slid it into a receptacle on the TV Wall.
“Now, I need to see the moment when I put the items to be left onto the table in slow motion.” The wall obliged. There was the jewel, the note, and the picture, and then, just as I went to turn towards my sleeping self, I felt my hand brush against my side as I unclipped my pocket watch and placed it on the table beside them, releasing the chain just in time for me to put my hand on the past self and start casting. “Pause.”
I turned to the mindscape. “Can anyone tell me why we did that?”
Instinct nodded, “It was a mild geas. A suggestion implanted in our mind, much like the one that made us wind the watch every night at midnight without thinking about it.”
“Which means,” added Luxord, “that whoever commissioned the watch wanted it left there.”
“And we already have a theory on that,” I concluded. “Fast forward to the moment the Time Jaunt started wearing off.”
The image moved forward, the quiet of the empty house suddenly being split by the sound of an incoming TARDIS, even as the image was starting to fragment like digital TV due to the information overload that was just starting.
“A TARDIS,” murmured Yin.
“Just like the day we got the watch!” exclaimed Yang.
“Precisely,” said Luxord. “We might not be a Time Lord, but a Time Lord wanted to manipulate us with that watch. Which begs the questions:
The building of the entertainment centre was going much slower than I had anticipated. On the plus side, I did discover that I could pull even the tiniest bits of metal from the ground or even some molten metal from the mantle, but that was even more exhausting than normal. Getting the rubber for insulation was actually harder, but beyond that I was barely able to wire up half a room each day without being totally conked out the next day.
In the meantime, Nightmare Night was afternooning, and I had some enchantments to lay down before sundown.
The first couple were illusions of things that would pop out at people as they walked by. I also had a corridor leading from the house to the unfinished entertainment centre that was overlayed with an illusion that made it twist like that one passage in the Forest Temple of Ocarina of Time. The entertainment centre itself included a Mirror Maze illusion (and an upside-down-room illusion) and, to finish it off, a “ghost” from the Haunted Mansion ride that chanted “Come back... Come back... But be sure to bring your... death certificate...”
Which meant there were also a few illusory ghosts floating around the whole experience as well.
There were also a few clones of me around. I had been experimenting with how many I could make. Five was my best if I wanted them to do anything more than be solid and move and these needed magic capabilities to make sure things didn't degenerate or unravel during the festivities, though one was just sitting around in disguise as a scarecrow to be a jump scare.
However, I did get a pleasant surprise when I was visited by Princess Luna long before the festivities in Ponyville proper were to begin. Well, I say pleasant surprise, but my costume startled her quite badly.
“Wh- why are you dressed like him?” hissed the princess.
“It's part of our deal,” I answered. I wasn't changing my voice, despite the want for “realism.” I wanted to assure people it was just a costume. “In exchange for a shard of his power, I occasionally spread chaos in his name. Plus, since it's Nightmare Night, I'm supposed to dress up scary.”
“Scary, perhaps, but his rampage wasn't even two months ago! Don't you think wearing that could traumatize somepony?”
I shook my head. “Most of what Discord did was with a chaos aura kinda deal, just saturating the air with chaos magic and letting it do whatever. Pretty much the only people he gave special attention to were the girls, you and Celestia, and me. I actually doubt anypony in Ponyville knows what he looked like, despite him calling it his 'chaos capital of the world.'”
Luna looked dubiously at me.
“I've been wearing this all day, so-to-speak, and I've had some visitors in that time. Regardless,” I cracked the fingers of my griffon-hand, then put it in a phone-shape before pulling the tip of the thumb out and pushing my index finger. Putting my hand by my cheek, I nodded. “Trixie? Confirmation for plan 'Halloween Town.' We're currently by the Otherworld.” (I had named my prospective entertainment centre the “Otherworld Entertainment Centre.”) “See you soon.”
I hung up my hand and held it out to the princess. “Shall we?”
As we approached Ponyville, a song familiar to just about anyone who was born after 1995 on Earth was becoming audible. It was something Trixie and I had been planning for a while, using a modified version of the song I had read in The Return of Princess Nightmare Moon way back when (Eidetic memory is so nice to have).
Fillies and colts of every age Wouldn't you like to see something strange? Come with us to get a fright This, our town on Nightmare Night!
“What is that?” asked Luna.
“That is a parody of a very popular song back on Earth.” I paused to let the next verse pass.
This is Nightmare Night, this is Nightmare Night! Pumpkins scream in the dead of night! This is Nightmare Night, everypony’s in a fright! Trick or treat till the neighbors gonna die of fright It's our town, everypony's fright! In this town on Nightmare Night!
“If we time it right, we should get there just in time for the verses pertaining to you.”
I am the one hiding under your bed! Teeth ground sharp and eyes glowing red!
“To me?” Luna looked at me askance.
I am the one hiding under yours stairs! Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair!
So glad we recruited ponies to specifically sing those lines. “Well, sort of. See, the parody comes from an Alternate Universe story wherein you technically don't exist because it was always 'Princess Nightmare Moon.'”
“What,” growled Luna.
This is Nightmare Night, this is Nightmare Night Nightmare Night! Nightmare Night! Nightmare Night! Nightmare Night! In this town we call home Everyone hail to the night time song! In this town, don't we love it now? Everybody's waiting for the next surprise Round that corner, hiding in the trash can Something's waiting now to pounce, and how you'll... Scream!
“Like I said, alternate universe. The whole reason that one went mad was actually because she had been completely drained of love by the Queen of the Changelings. By the time she returned to her Equestria, She had come to her senses.” I smiled. “I actually quoted that story when you first returned.”
This is Nightmare Night Red 'n' black, green 'n' blight! Aren't you scared?! Well, that's just fine Say it once, say it twice Take a chance and roll the dice Ride with the moon in the dead of night!
“Really?” Luna frowned. “I'm afraid that time is a bit... fuzzy.”
Everypony scream, everypony scream! In our town of Nightmare Night!
“'Eternal night is a bad for frost, trees, crops, and tides.' Something Princess Nightmare said on her return, slightly modified for my poor memory at the time.” Luna nodded in acknowledgement of my point. “We should get in position.”
I am the clown with the tear-away face! Here in a flash and gone without a trace! I am the "who" when you call, "Who's there?" I am the wind blowing through your hair! I am the shadow on the moon at night! Filling your dreams to the brim with fright!
As the song continued, I wrapped us both in an invisibility illusion and lifted us with a platform. “Can you fake a Nightmare Moon form? You did in the show, but I-”
Luna smirked and with a flash looked like Nightmare Moon. I nodded and lowered us into place just behind the crowd watching Trixie and her temporary troupe performing the song.
This is Nightmare Night, this is Nightmare Night Nightmare Night! Nightmare Night! Nightmare Night! Nightmare Night! Nightmare Night! Nightmare Niiiiight!
I held up three fingers, then counted down.
Nightmare Moon might catch you in the back And scream like a banshee Make you jump out of your skin! This is Nightmare Night, everypony scream! Won’t ya please make way for a very special mare?!
Trixie pointed to us just before I dropped the illusion and Luna cackled over the song, scaring the crowd.
Nightmare Moon is Queen of the Nightmare Night! Everypony hail to the Pumpkin Queen now! This is Nightmare Night! This is Nightmare Night! Nightmare Night, Nightmare Night, Nightmare Night, Nightmare Night! In this town we call home Everypony hail to the nighttime song! La la la la-la la! WOO!
Everypony applauded at the end of the song, as Luna dropped her Nightmare Moon disguise. I floated upside down over the crowd as I joined in on the applause before announcing, “Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest star for this Nightmare Night, Princess Luna!”
The applause got louder. “Now, this is the princess's first Nightmare Night, which is understandable, considering the last thousand years, so let's show her a good time and try not to be too insensitive, okay? Being consumed by rage is no picnic, believe you me.”
As the crowd either moved on, went to speak with the Princess, or milled about talking, Twilight the Bearded and Spike Dragon-Dragon approached me. I flipped back over, staggering for a second from a brief bout of light-headedness, and raised a hand in greeting.
“Yo.”
Twilight gave me a flat stare, while Spike pinched his nose. “Discord, really?”
“Hey, I told you the terms of my deal with Discord. I think this counts as a little chaos in his name.”
With a sigh, Twilight dropped the subject. “So, Princess Luna seems to be fitting in well.” We glanced over to the princess, who was looking both mildly euphoric and rather perturbed at all the attention she was receiving.
Reason #1 why fame is no fun.
I nodded. “I was mildly surprised to find she wasn't speaking in Early Modern anymore, but on the other hand, I'm definitely glad I got Celestia to let her sit in on some meetings while she was recovering. Otherwise we'd be half-deaf and windblown from the Royal Canterlock Voice.”
“Royal what voice?” asked Spike.
“Basically, she speaks with enough volume and force to be heard everywhere in Ponyville, no exaggeration. The common theory, I think, was that way back before things like megaphones were invented, the princesses had to use it to be heard by the crowds they were speaking to.” I thought for a second, then added. “And it's technically 'The Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice,' but since it was best written as all-capital letters, people started joking that she had capslock on the whole time, hence 'Canterlock.'”
After a few moments of standing around just watching the crowd (which eventually migrated into the booths, so Luna could learn fun and experience a modern festival), Twilight coughed into her hoof. “So... Anything special happening this Nightmare Night?”
“Why, Twilight, how bold of you,” teased Trixie. She was in human form, dressed up as Schala from Chrono Trigger. As to how she knew Schala, we'd taken to playing emulated SNES games on my laptop (which I kept charged with a some magic through the actual plug), which, obviously, included my #1 Favourite Game Of All Time Ever, Chrono Trigger.
With a blush, Twilight attempted to backtrack. “I- That- You-”
I snickered, “She's joking, Twi. But as to your question, I've already headed off tonight's 'episode.' The whole conflict was about Luna being unable to grasp the concept of Nightmare Night and getting depressed that everypony thought of her just as Nightmare Moon and not as Princess Luna.”
Trixie nodded. “And Joe has been working towards this goal since the Gala.”
“Well,” I waved my hand in a so-so gesture. “It kinda started before then, when Princess Celestia brought Luna over for a visit before the Running of the Leaves.” I scanned the crowd during the lull in conversation. “I think I'm gonna go check on Rarity. I'm kinda surprised she's not out here already.”
I hugged Trixie, then raised a hand in farewell to Twilight and Spike as I walked off towards the Carousel Boutique. In the distance I heard “Help! My backside's been gobbled!” and I tensed up for a moment until I heard the reply. “Thy backside was merely the beginning!” followed by some shrieking laughter. Sounds like Luna was having fun. I smiled as a warm feeling rose in my chest.
As I got closer, I could hear a lot of nervous movement and loud fretting from inside, mainly about how late she was and “why could I have gotten this done sooner?”s. I knocked on the door and stepped inside a couple moments after.
There were two ponyquins there, one of them completely covered by fabrics of varying shades of white, and a bright gold mane-wig strewn haphazardly over its head. Rarity was comparing and measuring and adjusting the various white fabrics and some gold filigree on the second ponyquin.
“Yo.” I said in greeting. Apparently, this was enough to startle her into throwing everything she had in her grip all over the shop. I had to act fast to keep from experiencing some involuntary acupuncture. “Sorry, but I did knock.”
After a couple moments to catch her breath, Rarity sighed, “No, I was just concentrating too hard. I'm sorry I didn't hear you. What brings you by?”
“I was just coming by to check on you. I thought you'd be out there already.”
“Well, I was having some difficulty deciding on a costume,” she went back to work on the ponyquin, “and by the time I made up my mind to go as Lady Galadriel, I had a backlog of costume orders that had to be done before this evening, and, well...”
“Time keeps on slipping into the future.” I deadpanned.
“Quite.”
“I can suggest something simpler, if you'd like.” I was feeling a little prank-y and cued up an illusion of Naga the Serpent from Slayers.
Rarity paused, then looked at the image dubiously. “I thought humans generally wore... more clothes than that?”
I snickered. “Okay, I'm mostly joking. Naga's basically wearing a swimsuit, which would be a lot simpler for you to put together, though it probably wouldn't look right on a pony body.”
“Hmm...” Rarity tapped her muzzle. “Joe. I want you to make me a human.”
I immediately considered two jokes: “give me nine months” and referencing Fullmetal Alchemist. Instead, I warily asked, “Why...?”
“I want to get measurements. I do believe that this costume will work much better with human skin tone, rather than my natural white.”
“And we'll need to see what your human skin tone would be, in that case.”
This caught Rarity by surprise. “There's more than one?”
I briefly made a wall of portraits, each one being a differently toned person, from my own pale to Keith David dark. “Though, considering the template spell pulls from me, and my ancestry is entirely European, you'll probably be on the paler end of the scale. Maybe. It depends on whether it just uses my DNA or...” I shook my head. “I'm getting off track a bit here. Let's just find out. Let me know when to cast the reversal spell.” I closed my eyes, turned around, then cast the spell.
There was a thump or three as Rarity got used to two legs, then the sound of cloth on cloth, and all throughout, Rarity was doing a running commentary on her appearance and measurements, which I steadfastly ignored as best I could. I'm with Trixie, after all.
However, before Rarity could say anything about turning back into a pony, I got an alert that one of my Haunted Mansion clones had popped (via its memories flooding into me), and I immediately flashed away.
It turns out that some ponies are twitchy and lash out when startled, and one of these had just been caught off-guard by my scarecrow clone and punched him full on in the chest.
After the pony in the Mortal Kombat-looking costume apologized and I replaced my clone, I proceeded to forget that I had been waiting to turn Rarity back to pony and headed off to see Fluttershy and make sure she was holding up well for the holiday.
I was about halfway there when Twilight the Bearded teleported in front of me, and started speaking immediately. “So, are you going to turn all my friends into humans, or was Rarity a special case?”
I froze. “Oh. Right. I'll go-”
Twilight laughed, “Don't worry about it, Rarity's fine. She'll want to turn back later, but she's taking the opportunity to design a few other outfits.”
“Still.” I changed direction back towards Ponyville proper. Fluttershy would keep, considering she keeps her door locked on Nightmare Night.
I actually didn't see Rarity until the end of the night, after most Nightmare Nighters had gone to bed, and the lot of us gathered like we had last year (with the interesting addition of Princess Luna). Under her golden wig, I saw a couple strands of purple, which I took to mean that she had kept her mane's colour when transformed, which was rather surprising, since purple is not a normal human hair colour (Trixie's hair in human form I had merely thought was just platinum blonde, but apparently it was actually still pale blue). Her skin wasn't too far off mine, though, which neither confirmed or debunked my thoughts on the spell's capabilities.
And, since I know some readers would be wondering, she was modestly chested, a little bigger than Trixie.
Once our Midnight Society finished with the scary stories and an illusory showing of The Nightmare Before Christmas, I turned Rarity back to pony and we all headed back to our houses.
Trixie was teasing me about being alone with a naked Rarity the whole way back, despite all my reassurances that I'd had my eyes closed the whole time.
It was a good night, even if it felt longer than it could have possibly been.
