Twilight Sparkle is throwing books from the windows of her castle. And of course, as always, someone called the cops. Good job Spike. Look what you did this time.
Spike kinda messed up. Pretty bad this time. He didn't do something he was supposed too, and now Twilight is throwing books. She is screaming, and throwing books at ponies from the windows of her castle. She is not throwing books at him, mind you. Shes throwing books at the cops, because someone called them. Who called the cops? Why is she throwing books? Only Spike knows, and he sure isn't telling. The police think it is very suspicious that he "doesn't know anything at all Officer." The situation is even more perilous than it seems, because Spike has a decent amount of weed hidden somewhere in the castle. The castle where a very anti-narcotics branch of the government gathered outside. I am sure that is a problem, that will surface as events unfold.
It is probably worth mentioning that you should not do anything illegal, such as throwing books at police officers. That would probably be a bad move. Don't do that. And if you did do that, it's not my fault. I told you not to, shame on you.
Be forewarned that this is an incredibly dumb story.
The book gave a resounding thud, as it made contact with the cop cart. Twilight had been aiming for the officer's head, but it had bounced off the shield he conjured, and that is why it hit the cop cart, and not his face.
"Princess Twilight, we do not want to have to place you under arrest. Please stop throwing books," the negotiator's deep voice was projected across the intercom. Twilight responded by throwing four books in rapid succession. Spike flinched with the thud of each book against the cart. Spike then face-palmed, because Twilight screeched, "You'll never take me alive, pigs!" As you can probably imagine, this has been a difficult day for Spike.
He was rubbing his temples, and undergoing a barrage of questions from an impatient officer behind a barrier of riot shields. He was ignoring the looks he was receiving from the crowd of ponies that had gathered. They were all quite confused as to why the Princess of Friendship was throwing books. So were the officers. Spike, however, was not confused.
Spike knew exactly why Twilight was throwing books. It was kind of his fault after all. But we will get to that later. At this moment in our story, Spike was just trying to come up with something to tell the officer. He was biding his time quite well by playing the "I am basically a toddler, and I am a Princess's assistant, and I am tired and stressed and stupid," role quite well. It was a role he played often, because a lot of the time it got him out of situations just like this one. However, the officer's patience was starting to wear thin.
"So you know....nothing, about all this?" she asked Spike.
Spike did his very best to not look guilty, as he lied,
"No, nothing at all Officer. Why would I know anything?"
She looked down at him over her sunglasses. That expression worried Spike.
"Look Son, the station got a call saying that the Princess of Friendship blew a gasket, and that she was assaulting ponies with books. Then, we get here, and lo and behold there she is. The Princess of Friendship armed to the teeth with assault books, and you were just standing outside her door twiddling your claws. You really expect me to think you know nothing?"
Spike was looking at his feet, and then he realized that probably made him look even more guilty, so he looked up at the cop and then immediately regretted it. The cop's soulless stare made his insides cold. He wondered if the cop could smell fear. Calm down Spike, that's just how they look at ponies.
He was actually wrong on that part. Cops actually can smell fear. Its a requirement for graduation from the academy.
And, yes. That cop did smell fear. However, she was fooled by the fact that Spike was basically a toddler, like I mentioned earlier. She assumed that Spike was afraid because a situation where a Princess would be throwing books would be scary for a child. Not because he had a decent amount of weed, hidden somewhere in the castle. If she had got around to thinking about it, she probably would not think Spike old enough to be interested in marijuana. See let that be a lesson for you. Never assume anything. But in this case it worked out, because we don't care about what the cop assumed, because she was not our protagonist. Spike is our protagonist. In case you couldn't grasp that for some reason.
But I digress.
Spike lied again to the mare cop, "No, m'am, nothing at all."
She continued looking at him over her sunglasses for a couple more moments. Then she promptly pushed her glasses up her nose, snapped shut her little cop notebook, and thanked Spike for his time. She told him that he might be useful in the book throwing cessation negotiations. He agreed to help, and she escorted him to the stallion who was periodically saying on the intercom, in his soothing voice, "Please stop throwing books your highness,"
The negotiator then paused, and turned to look at Spike. He then extended the hoof that held the mike towards Spike, helpfully and expectantly. The expression that Spike bore upon his face was similar to that of a foal when they have broken something, and adults are clueless as to what has actually occurred. He had this expression because what I had said, was basically what had happened. He took the microphone from the stallion, in a manner similar to which you might take a dirty diaper being thrust at you, and held it beneath his chin.
"Twilight,"
* *
Now for all of this to make more sense, it would probably be better for me to begin at the beginning of the day, since the cops did not get called till about mid afternoon. Actually it would be better for me to start about a couple of moons ago actually, since that is when the thing that happened that started all of this happened. Yes, that is when that happened. Spike was running an errand for Twilight. This errand was not important. Now, I am not telling you this because it is actually important and I am trying to build suspense or something. No it actually is insignificant. But anyway, he was walking along, and he thought he heard somepony laughing, and he thought he heard it coming from behind some bushes. Now if he heard Pinkie Pie's laugh from the bushes, he might have assumed that she was just being Pinkie Pie. But this laughter he heard was somehow, more soothing to him. He had not recalled ever hearing this particular laugh before. He was intrigued by this new jolly sound, and he trudged off into the bushes to find its source. He was also intrigued by this strange new smell that tickled his nostrils. He was unsure how to feel about it.
So he pushed his way through branches and leaves, until he stumbled upon a clearing and the two ponies that sat in it.
There was a yellow Pegasus with a pink mane, with her muzzle hesitantly pressed against, what to Spike appeared to be, some kind of vase. Beside her was a green earth pony, with orange dreadlocks. The green mare was holding a lit match up to the vase, or at least that is what appeared to be happening to Spike. They had not noticed him yet. For some reason that Spike was unable to yet grasp, Fluttershy was breathing in very slowly, and deeply. He could see her torso slowly expand. This was accompanied by an odd bubbling sound. This was all very new, and deeply confusing to Spike.
"Fluttershy? Treehugger?"
Treehugger slowly turned her head to look at Spike, while the sound of his voice caused Fluttershy to jump. At the same time, she inhaled a sharp breath, from panic. Then she doubled over into coughing spurts, in between the occasional "Oh, my,"
Treehugger patted her on the back, before saying, "Whoa, you're all good there little dragon man, but its not pleasant to be startled," she looked at Fluttershy. Spike approached them, as Fluttershy was regaining the ability to speak. She coughed every other word as she urgently whispered, "Oh no, Spike, you can't tell anypony about this. Oh no we are going to be in trouble, oh what have I done!"
"Calm down Fluttershy, it's all good man, Spike is cool,"
Spike was still very unsure about what he was supposed to be "cool" about. Now that Fluttershy had handed the odd vase back to Treehugger, the green mare extended her forelegs in offering towards Spike, and asked,
"Want a hit, man?"
Spike's eyes widened, and he began to back away, "No, I don't want to be hit with any vases today,"
If Treehugger had possessed the capacity to roll her eyes, she would have done so. However, such an act is not in her nature, so she just continued to smile, with her forelegs outstretched. "No man, not do you wanna be hit," she said in her soothing tones,
And that is how Treehugger came to be Spikes weed dealer. Spike had accepted Treehugger's offer of weed, because why not, and boy did he find out how much he liked weed. It was there in that clearing, where Treehugger was smoking Fluttershy and him out, that he learned all about this new thing called weed. Weed was still illegal in Ponyville, despite many Equestrian cities ending its prohibition. And even though it was in fact legalized in many cities, Celestia's public stance remained that marijuana was a dangerous dangerous drug which would surely prove the undoing of all traditional Equestrian values. Luna's public stance remained that she had no public stance, since she did a very good job of dodging questions. According to Treehugger, all of this was, "Very non radical," as well as, "Not cool man,"
Spike would end up buying a couple of dime-bags from Treehugger a week. Treehugger had some pretty dank shit man. I think she grows too dude.
But anyway, Spike now maintained a steady intake of weed. I am sure you can probably foresee some issues he started having. First he was spending most, if not all, of his gemstone allowance which he got from Twilight. This would not have been a problem, if Twilight would have seen him eating gemstones. But she stopped seeing him eat gemstones, because he was spending basically all his bits on weed. Twilight found this rather odd, considering how much Spike loves gemstones. Since Spike was considerably lighter in the pockets, due to his newfound habit, he found himself resorting to things like hay fries for munchies. Twilight found it extremely odd that she would see Spike readily consume things that were not in his tastes. He also would periodically smell odd. A strange earthy smell would follow in his wake, a smell unfamiliar to Twilight.
After all, for Twilight things like weed were only something you'd hear about, not something you'd encounter in your actual life. She was quite alright with her wine, and her apple cider thank you very much. She didn't actually know what weed smelled like. Twilight sometimes asked Spike about this smell, and each time she would get some vague answer that ended up not really being an answer as opposed to a question. Twilight found this only a little suspicious, since Spike was after all only a child, as well as for her previously stated expectations of weed.
However, when Spike began to start getting a bit tubby, she started suspecting things. Not that he had been smoking weed, but that he'd been hiding snacks and such, and was sneaking off to stuff his face at night. She was very disappointed in Spike, for she had raised him better than that. She began to regularly check all the places where she knew him to like hiding things. Now Spike knew about this, because Twilight told him she would be doing this. She told him while she gave him her lecture about how she was concerned about his weight.
Spike realized that he would no longer be able to hide his weed under his mattress. He tried moving it to a different place, but he quickly became paranoid. He decided that he would have to find the greatest stash spot in the history of Equestria, or at least for him anyway.
What does this have to do with Twilight throwing books, you might ask? Well, all of us this brings us back to Spikes very first problem on the day the cops were called. He had succeeded in finding the greatest stash spot in the history of Equestria. It was so good that he hid it from himself.
He could not for the life of him, remember where he put his fucking weed.
Upon that fateful morning, of the day that the cops got called, Spike had a problem. He wanted to wake and bake, but he hid his weed so well, that he hid it from himself. I am sure that Spike cannot be the first stoner to have had this problem. So Spike was a little bit annoyed with all this. At first it was because he usually wake and bakes, and he likes to do that, but then he got all riled up on the very principle of the thing. After all, it is very annoying when you cannot find something which you just purchased, especially when that thing cost a good amount of bits.
Especially because this last time he bought a decent amount. A very decent amount. So much, that he could not just stick it anywhere. But he cannot remember where. When the realization comes to him, that he has a lot of things to help Twilight with today, and a decent amount of an illegal substance was unaccounted for, he began to panic a little. He decided that he would try to get some time away from Twilight that day, so that he could look around the castle for his weed.
On occasion, Twilight hold court, I mean she is Princess after all. When she holds court, Ponies from Ponyville, as well as anywhere else, are all welcome to head on down to her castle, and ask her questions. In the beginning, ponies were just welcome to come straight to her and ask away. Very quickly this became a rather unruly and chaotic process. So Twilight enlisted Spike to put a general filter on anyone coming in, just to make sure they did not ask too many questions that were too dumb and wasted too much of her time. Twilight was pretty busy after all, so she would try to multitask and get some other things done as well, while she was at it. Kill two sparrows with one stone, as it were.
Today, the day the cops got called, were one of those days where Twilight held court. And on this morning, Spike sat at his little desk, with its little bell, and he figured he could slip away for a few moments, to look for his weed. After all, it was not too busy yet. So slip away he did, and as he was rummaging around some things in one of the spare rooms, he heard the little bell ring several times. He rushed back to his desk, the bell ringing all the while, as he shuffled quickly down the hallway.
Oh jeez, not again, Spike thought as he rounded the corner, and saw who was ringing the bell absent mindlessly. He took his place standing behind the desk, and gave her a deadpan stare, as she likewise stared but in two different directions, all the while ringing the bell.
"Can I help you," Spike said in a monotone.
The look which the grey mare gave him made it clear to Spike that she had only just noticed him. With great difficulty, she brought her eyes together to look at him. She slowly opened her mouth, while looking at him. She looked at him with her mouth open for a few moments without saying anything. When she finally spoke, she did so slowly, and deliberately,
"Spike? I have a question for Princess Twilight,"
Spike continued to stare at her,
"See the mares at the flower shop put a sign on their irrigation drainage that said not to drink the water from it."
"And?"
"And then I made tea with the water, and now I'm not feeling so well,"
Spike looked at her for a few moments.
"Head on in, Twilight would be happy to help!"
Derpy smiled, as her pupils slowly shifted back into their respective positions. She flew into the next room, but not before hitting the wall.
Spike listened for a moment, and when he heard Twilight greet her visitor, he quickly shuffled off to continue searching for his hidden stash. His searching was interrupted on several occasions by more visitors ringing the bell. And on each of these occasions, Spike told each pony that whatever stupid question they had was something that the Princess could definitely help them with. Eventually enough visitors were lining up, that Spike put a hastily scribbled sign on his desk, instructing all visitors to just head on in and see the Princess.
This was probably a bad move. But that was not Spike's problem.
And all of the aforementioned brings us back to Twilight throwing books from her castle window, and the the crowd of cops and civilians behind to the magical barrier, and Spike's shaking claws that gripped the microphone. He opened his mouth and said,
"Look Twilight, I made a mistake. I wanted time to be lazy and to take naps, instead of doing something I promised to do. That's why they kept bothering you with dumb questions. Those questions really were dumb, it wasn't you being selfish, it was me who was selfish. Those ponies shouldn't have even been bothering you in the first place. I'm sorry,"
"Hey kid,"
"Yeah?"
"You need to hold that button on the side for it to work,"
Spike realized that he had not heard his voice projected out on the speaker. He looked at his claw, and saw the button the mare cop was referring to. He saw that his claw was not pressing the button. As he looked at his claw, and how it was not pressing the button, he remembered where he put his weed.
There is a thing that Spike sometimes heard ponies say. And that thing was, if you want to hide a tree, use a forest. That's a thing he remembered when he was hiding his weed this last time. He had thought about that thing and decided that since books are made of trees, a library would be an excellent replacement for a forest. Now this was actually not a bad idea when you think about it.
Twilight has a great deal of books. She is a bit of a book hoarder. Naturally she has hundreds of books which she will never particularly care to open again, simply because she has so many better books. But of course, she could not bear to part with of them. So she kept all those books which she would never read, in a corner of her vast library. She did not often go into that section of her library. It was Spike's job to clean the place of dust.
Conveniently, this section of the library was outfitted with one of many windows. It is probably worth mentioning that this particular window overlooks the street. This is why Twilight did not like to sit and read near this window, because it did not have a nice view for her to occasionally look up at. This is why she put the books she did not read, near this window. Typically Spike was the only one to ever go to this section, the one with the convenient window.
Spike remembered how he had gutted several books, as he was looking at his claw, and how it was not pressing the button on the microphone.
When Twilight had began her book throwing rampage, she had first only used the ones within reach to pelt the ponies, as they had done to her with their stupid questions. As you can tell, this situation quickly got out of hand. Spike had not been in earshot until it was too late to stop her. Spike, like the rest of the ponies, had gathered outside, to hide from the rampaging Princess. This was when Twilight decided to give knowledge to the streets. It is probably worth knowing that she has been very stressed lately, and just an all around emotional time for her. Try not to judge her too harshly.
But anyway, she had enough sense to realize that she should probably not throw books which she valued too highly. So you know where she went? Yes, that section with the books she never read, with it's convenient window overlooking the streets. That section, with the couple of books which were gutted out by Spike, and filled with weed. However, this section also had quite a few books which were not filled with weed. Which she was throwing, one by one, at the police on the streets below. Also it is probably worth mentioning that police force fields stop heavy things thrown with force that could possibly harm you. Things like magic, and gunshots, and books. Things like rain, snow, and confetti pass through police force fields with ease.
And that's how it came to be, that when Spike looked up from his claw, he saw a copy of "Fish Of Time" flying through the air. The book collided with the force field. It's covers separated, and like a green snow, Spike's stash of weed fluttered down upon the cops, and Spike. Then, as if to punctuate the situation, another book titled, "Crustaceans And Rodents" hit the shield, and covered them with another blanket of green snow.
Spike simply stood, mouth agape.
He heard a pony clear her throat behind him. He looked.
The mare cop was looking down at him over her sunglasses.
