Paper Cuts
May 23
I guess I'm doing this? Mom suggested I should do this, a way to express my feelings and shit like that. In a diary, you can write 'shit' right? Hope so. Cause I just did.
So diary, let's get some things through, I'm only doing this because I guess it makes you not depressed? Well, it's better than something like therapy or something like that.
So anyways, here I am, sitting in my bed, the same bed she was in just a couple weeks ago. I can't remember the last time I felt that mad, or sad, broken, completely shattered. I think you get what I mean. Horrible break-ups, they happen to everyone right? Let's hope there are more people like me then.
Let me explain a couple of things, in your last year high school, you probably want to go to a bunch of crazy parties and have a completely awesome prom. Yeah, that never happens. Unless you're like, perfect. Which is impossible. At least in my eyes.
Well diary, she broke me. Heartbreak is such a crass way to describe this shitty situation I'm in. So if I may explain.
Everyone in Canerlot High is like paper, easily bendable and can float off into the sky whenever they want. I didn't want to be one of those people, so I became different. Then I started dating Twilight Sparkle.
I thought she was paper like everyone else, not wanted to do something that actually makes you feel alive. She made me feel alive, not those stupid stunts I did with my friends, not like challenging Applejack to a race, just being with her made my heartbeat.
Cheesy right? Yeah I agree, I guess breaking me means making this me come to life, depressed me. Stupid life.
Well, anyways diary, or anyone who seems to want to read my shit or snoop through my stuff. Twilight Sparkle was everything I had ever wanted, someone that understood me and someone that would give me a reality check when needed, someone who was able to bring me back to earth.
She did that, but this time, it wasn't down to earth, it was down to hell. And yes diary, I'm writing a lot of curse words but I think they're necessary at this point. Oh and my writing? I guess Twilight changed me, so now I'm writing all formal and stuff. I'm trying to break the habit, but it's hard you know?
My morning routine has changed too. Not waking up to call Twilight or text her. It just sucks you know? I guess you and all the other diaries understand this stuff, I want to understand it too. Just so I know I'm not living in a world of a million paper cuts.
I bet you get a lot of stuff like that. You get something different. Something... paper.
Oh and if you're asking, which you're probably not but I'll write about it anyways, my friends have supported me I guess. They still hang out with Twilight but not as often, I haven't really talked to some of them in a while. Sunset Shimmer, one of my friends, went to Twilight side and defended her saying that she didn't understand what she was doing.
I support that. If she didn't know what she was doing, then I don't even know her, a heart fools gold instead of what I thought was actual gold. But I guess Sunset's right. After a year and a half, you might rethink what you do, you might rethink your whole sexuality.
Anyways, back to the rest of my friends, I don't really talk to them anymore. Except Fluttershy who has understood me since I was little when I first came out. She was the only girl who thought I wasn't a freak. But I've drifted a bit from everyone, even my family, even Scootaloo.
I felt the worst about Scootaloo, I haven't really talked to her in a while and I miss her company sometimes. She's a cool kid and she understood me. But I don't even understand myself right now. Am I just paper like everyone else? I hope not.
I closed the little black notebook and sighed. I couldn't even say anything, the diary may have helped for the moment I was writing in it. I guess I never planned on writing, it's not like I'm good at it anyways. At least I think I didn't make that many mistakes.
Maybe I should go outside, it's the weekend, maybe I should go back to playing baseball at this time. I've gotten so many emails from the sports teams to be at the meetups and games. I haven't really played in one since the game I played when... it happened.
That's a reasonable reason not to come back to the teams. Right? Let's hope so.
I should see Scootaloo at the orphanage, or maybe I can go see Pinkie, or maybe I can stay home. That sounds like the most reasonable I guess. Like I said before, she broke me.
I grabbed one of my jackets and a white t-shirt. I was already wearing jeans from who knows when so I'm half decently dressed. I guess everyone else would call it depressed, but everyone being depressed is different. Some people just are shattered and everything just broke in their lives.
Well, I need some groceries anyways and maybe some pie. I'm getting better, right? I'll bring this shit of a diary too. Maybe it'll be fun? Probably not but, it's the best to try new things. Or old things if you're me.
That's the thing, people don't know what it feels like to be depressed when it first happened I felt nothing even when Pinkie tried to cheer me up the next day. It just... doesn't help.
I opened the door and breathed in the air from the small town that my family lived in. Currently, my father and mother were at their work, they knew I needed time alone from the moment I walked home. They're good parents when they want to be.
Ever since I broke, I realized everything was like just, paper. As I breathed in again I smelled the smell of gasoline.
Do you know when some people just walk outside and breathe in the 'fresh air'? Well, it's a complete lie. Everything smelled like gasoline, dog shit and litter from your local restaurant.
"Rainbow Dash!?" Someone in the distance cried. Yeah, it's me. Not that surprising. I'm one of the only people here with rainbow hair. Deal with it.
I just continued walking, paper people, paper conversations.
"Rainbow! It's me Pinkie! ANSWER ME!" She yelled. Oh, it's Pinkie. She thinks she can cheer everything up with balloons and candy, it's not possible. It is in a paper world, but not in the real world.
I put my hands in my jacket and tilted my head down, letting my bangs down on my forehead and eyes. It's longer than usual and a lot messier. Suddenly hands are on my shoulders as they pulled me down to the floor with a thud.
"Woah!" I gasped as my back hit the pavement making it hurt like hell. My back started to get more wet. Blood. Great. Just what I needed.
"Oh, Dashie! I'm so sorry, want a cupcake!?" She screamed. Still as cheery as before.
I just groaned in response. I guess it was a bad idea after all.
"Rainbow?" Someone quiet voice rang through my ears. Someone I knew well and missed. Someone that I haven't seen since the day it happened. The someone that I did not want to see.
Defiantly a bad idea.
One Month Ago
Today was the most awesome-epic day ever! I have a date with Twi right after winning the school soccer championship. Maybe we could even celebrate...
I smiled as I walked down the street. Breathing in the smell of Sugarcube Corners amazing velvety scent. I need to get some flowers and some chocolates from Bon Bon's parents bakery. I had to surprise her at her house, thank god I got her brother and parents to approve of me.
"Hey, Roseluck!" I said with a happy-dumb grin on my face she turned her head and smiled at me. I've gotten flowers for Twilight multiple occasions so Roseluck knew me pretty well right now.
I walked over towards her cart and waved my hands so she would notice me.
"Hey Rainbow, you want another bouquet for Twilight?" She asked, never mind, she knew me very well.
"Yeah! Can you get the purple and pink ones, I don't know what they're called," I responded happily as I poked through the different arrangements of flowers on the cart.
"It's called lavender if you want to impress her," Roseluck laughed as she packed the flowers together in a bouquet that looked amazing. I smiled and took the bouquet out of her hands and looked it over.
"It's perfect, thanks!" I said with a smile while I put my hand in my book bag, pulling out five dollars. "Keep the change!" I yelled as I ran off, bouquet in my arms.
I ran and stopped in front of a door that had glass that reflected my face. I ran a hand through my hair in attempt to straighten it out, I shook my head and ran off towards Bon Bon's parents candy shop. Twilight favorite was the vanilla truffles.
"Bon Bon!" I yelled while running into the shop. I was in a bit of a rush now, I said I would be there after my game. I really don't want to be late for today. Especially after I reserved a date at the new fancy restaurant Manoir Alimentaire.
"I need two dozen vanilla truffles stat!" I said quickly as she rushed out to greet me.
She just laughed and opened one of the little paper bags and scooped up twenty-four vanilla truffles into the bag. "Coming right up!"
I smiled as the delicious smell of the truffles seeks through my nose. I grabbed the bag and fifteen dollars from by bag and through it on the counter before she could even say anything.
"Keep the change!" I yelled while running off to Twilight's house. She just continued laughing as I ran off.
My feet started to burn. Oh what I do for love, I smiled and panted as I reached her house. My hair was ruffled as I ran my hands through it, making myself presentable and not like a complete slob.
I knocked on the door twice and smiled politely.
No answer.
I raised my eyebrow while turning the door handle. Twilight normally locks the door when she goes home, I stepped in and looked around. It looked pretty normal around the living room, nothing looked too out of the ordinary.
"Twilight!" I yelled while looking around. My heart began to beat faster as my breath hitched while my body tried to do a double take. I placed the flowers and the chocolates on the coffee table near the TV, being careful not to touch anything as I walked up the stairs towards Twilight's room.
That's when I heard something.
A moan.
"What the hell is going on," I whispered to myself while walking up the last steps and creeping towards Twilight's room. Her door was opened slightly, I opened it a little bit more to poke my head in.
My heart stopped. Mouth opened as I turned my head back and slammed it against the wall. I slowly slid onto the floor head in my arms, tears already slowly making their way down my cheeks.
What I saw was unforgettable. Twilight was there, butt naked with Flash Sentry. Fucking like there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately, there was a tomorrow for me, from that moment on I was broken.
I ran down the stairs. Not willing to turn back. I grabbed a sticky note that was on the kitchen counter along with two glasses of water. I growled while pulling out a pen from my bag.
Our relationship is like life. It's made of paper. Make yourself scarce from my life.
~RD
I grabbed the flowers and threw them on the floor. Moans getting louder from the bedroom. I stomped on the flowers, crushing them with my boots. I grabbed the truffles and crushed them on the floor and grabbed another sticky note.
Hope Spike haves fun with the chocolate
I left both there and walked into the bottom floor bathroom. I searched through the toiletries grabbed the closest cream. I took the jar of cream and brought it with me while grabbing a decent amount with my hand and spreading it all over the knob of the front door. I put the cream on the coffee table and pushed the door open.
I didn't feel a singe of guilt as I slammed the door. Now that must've broken that trance of pleasure, I heard muffled screaming and yelling as I walked off, bag slinging off one of my shoulders. I walked home and threw open the door.
My parents gave me surprised glances while I walked off towards my room. Not saying a word I opened the bathroom next to my bedroom's door. The cream had dried off by now as I washed both hands and dried them. Closing the door and marching into my room, closing the door with a bang.
I put my face in my hands again and closed my eyes. Tears dripped down my face. I needed some time off, some time off everyone and everything. A break from this paper world.
"R-Rainbow, I-I haven't seen you since two months ago. H-how are you?" Twilights shaky voice brought me back to life as I opened my eyes. Lavender stared back at me.
"T-there's been r-rumors about you. Flash told m-" I cut her off. I didn't need this right now.
"Shut the fuck up, I told you to be scarce," was all I said. She offered me a hand as my back stung in pain, my body wanting to take her hand. But I've learned to ignore my body's wills. After all, it's just paper.
I stood up and shot a glare at her while walking back to my own house.
"Rainbow! I-I'm sorry okay. I got too close to Flash, I know it is unforgivable. But all I want i-is for us to be friends again. Our friends are s-suffering," her voice rang through my ears, heartbreak running through her voice.
I laughed. My voice breaking into broken laughs.
"You know- heh, I should've known. Guess I stood up to my title, a dumb clueless jock. Guess I'm not exactly clueless now am I," I said with a laugh. "Give me one reason I should still forgive you."
"Because I still love you..." Twilight said, trailing off, her voice broken while looking at me.
"Well if this can to is how you love, I want nothing to do with it," I said walking faster now. Footsteps raced behind me, attempting to catch me. I just ran faster. But paper legs can't get you very far can they?
My back still hurts too. Just a series of unfortunate events. The footsteps started to lose it's sound as they began to stop, I kept running, running back home. Running back to my room. Running back to my parents? Running back into the paper. But who can leave it?
When I finally reach my home my mother is there. She's worried again isn't she.
"I'm fine," I grunted as I walked into my room, not wanting to look at her face. I've already felt disappointment to many times. I do need any or at the moment.
"No Rainbow, you're not," she states clearly. A worried voice creeping and setting upon her voice.
"Yeah? And how would you know? You and my so called 'father' are always too busy at work to even give a damn about what I do. If you don't want to give a shit about me, I won't give a shit about you," I hissed as I ran up to my room.
Was that uncalled for? Probably. But it made me feel a bit better. That's all that matters when you live in a paper world like mine. I don't want my life to be some fairy tale. I've experienced magic, does that say fairy tale or not?
June 8
Well, diary. I really haven't gone out or to school. I've ignored my parents and blocked out every bit of paper in my life.
Well, to be honest, I haven't even talked to Fluttershy. I need to leave. I've already left pretty much, I just haven't vanished. I don't think anyone would notice. I'll leave you here diary if anyone wants and tries to find me.
This book is starting to get filled up anyways. I'm sure my friends will be fine without me.
I'm sure everything would be better off without me. I will even die to get away from this place. Don't find me.
I don't want to be in a paper world. I don't want to be in Ponyville. It's all paper. I'm not a part of a fairytale that someone can control. IF YOU ENTER THE PAPER WORLD. YOU CANNOT COME BACK.
~This isn't goodbye, it's a warning. RD.