Luna Isn't A Very Good Matchmaker...
Luna Attempts To Find Tiberius A Very Special Somepossum
“Ugh.” Princess Luna sat down at her old coffee table. It was a blistering winter day, and all The Princess wanted was to relax with a mug of cocoa and put her hooves up on the table. Unfortunately, today that would be impossible. Instead, the exasperated equine empress sat in front of an absurd pile of sickeningly pink and purple letters. “I hate Hearts And Hooves day…” She plopped her face into the mountain of paper and groaned.
Whether she wanted to or not, she knew she would eventually have to read every single one of them. She pulled her head from the pile like a puppet on a string and prepared herself for the onslaught of "fan mail".
“Let's start off simple." She picked up a plain looking white letter and inspected the front.
To: Princess Luna, the fairest in all the land.
From: A humble Royal Guard.
The princess rolled her eyes and flipped over the envelope. On the back was the elaborately flourished seal of Canterlot Castle. She sighed and ripped the wax off with extreme prejudice.
Dearest Luna, started the first line off the letter.
I would love to say this was an easy letter for me to write, but then I would be lying to you. I have been a part of your personal guard for several years now, and when I started, it felt like just another job to me. But over time it has grown to be so much more. Unlike all the other royalty that I've protected, you are nice to me. Every time you speak to me you use a respectful tone and always praise me when you feel like I do good work. You're funny, and you care about everypony in your employment. I could talk about how absolutely beautiful you are, but you're much more than just pretty. You are everything that I could want in a very special somepony and more. I just wish I had the guts to say this to your face.
Please never change.
From: somepony who cares.
As the moon princess read each line, she couldn't help but feel a deep redness crawling into her cheeks.
“Well, that was actually quite pleasant.”
Luna prepared to start in on another when her ear twitched at an unknown sound. A rapid skittering was emanating from somewhere in front of her. The Moon Princess rubbed her eyes as she stared at a small moving lump under the heap of mail. Luna put the letter into her saddle bag then moved to inspect the lump. “Hello?”
A furry head popped from inside and gave Luna a blank stare.
“Tiberius!” Luna scooped the pudgy marsupial into her hooves and pulled him close to her muzzle. “Are you getting into trouble again, you silly possum?”
Tiberius scratched his nose. It was itchy.
“I have no time for shenanigans today.” Luna jut out her lower lip and furrowed her brow. “There are a lot of these… appreciation letters to read, and there is no way I am going to finish them all as things are.”
Tiberius climbed onto Luna’s hoof and flopped onto his belly. The Princess tried to shake him off, but it was too late. The possum had already wrapped his long tail around her limb. And, as everyone knows, once a marsupial coils its tail around you, truly all hope is lost.
Luna shook her leg like a wiggly wet noodle. “Why must you make my life Tartarus?” she groaned.
Nothing could save the Moon Princess now. The two were linked until the monster finally detached itself.
“You must find more company of your own species.” Luna frowned and scowled at the tiny beast. His eyes were jet black caverns of loneliness. Luna suddenly realized why her fuzzy companion was so desperate for attention on this specific day. “I know what you need. You need the mere thing that life has desired since the first creature crawled from the depths of the great oceans and dragged its feeble gelatinous fish body onto land. You need… Love.”
The sadistic creature finally loosened its tail death grip and slid off Luna’s leg. It flopped to the floor on its back and wiggled its stumpy legs in the air.
Luna sighed. “Let me help you there.” She then flipped the wobbly creature back to its feet. “So Tiberius, how does that sound? Are you ready to dive into the world of steamy marsupial romance?”
He made a gesture that was probably nodding. Luna assumed that it was nodding.
“Wonderful! Let us go!” Luna hopped from her chair and scraped the possum from the floor. “There is adventure and many supple young maidens to find!”
After a few short minutes of preparation, the two were out the window and flying into the depths of The Everfree Forest.
***
Deep in the Everfree Forest rain pitter-pattered onto the trees and trickled down into the undergrowth. Small streams of the liquid mixed with dirt and soaked into the earth. Chirping crickets hid under umbrella leaves playing their song, looking for love of their own. Birds perched on the thin branches of massive, twisted trees. They were also calling for a mate. They chirped peeped cheeped and everything in between all so they could finally taste romance.
Luna was also there.
“If I were an attractive young possum female, where would I hide?” she mused as she lifted and proceeded to search under a very small rock.
Tiberius stood on the crown of the princess’ head, staring off into the distance.
Luna pursed her lips and scratched her head. “Well Tiberius, I don’t—”
There was a rustle in the bushes.
The Moon Princess froze for a moment, with her ears pirked. Then, suddenly she jumped headlong into the foliage like a diver in the Equestria Games.
The blue pony grunted as she landed in the leafy pile of green. “Where are you?” She snorted and flailed her limbs about.
Tiberius was just kind of along for the ride.
“AH HA! I caught you!” Luna lifted her hooves to see what poor creature she had snagged in her clutches, but what she found she didn't expect. “WAAH!” She screamed as she shook a hairy tarantula off of her body.
The tarantula fell to the ground, but it quickly pulled itself up with its thick black legs. Soon it began creeping toward Luna and her companion.
“Oh dear, I am so sorry we disturbed you sir, uh, spider, but I was simply searching for something to go on a date with my dear friend Tiberius here.”
The tarantula suddenly turned around and dashed off as if it had remembered something it had forgotten.
Luna let out a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness! There is no way I am leaving you alone with a spider! Vile creatures they are.” The two of them then detangled themselves from the bush and went on their way.
However after only a few seconds, the tarantula came scuttling back with a big pink flower in his pincers.
But nobody was there.
The spider dropped the flower and lowered his head; they were defeated once again.
***
“What a disappointment,” Luna shook her head. “Usually that technique works fairly well. But I shall not let this get to me! I am full of caffeine and determination, and I am ready to find you the one!”
As Luna trotted over the stale brown leaves, a steady crunch broke the now quiet night.
“It seems as if this is not going to be as easy as I thought.” The Princess rubbed her chin. “If only there was some way I could make this easier.”
Tiberius wasn't paying any attention because they were pretty much asleep.
“We need something that will attract the maidens… Sometimes I wish that I had a magical potion that could fix all of my problems,” as she said these words, Luna was struck with a mental lightning bolt. She jumped a few centimeters into the air and grinned. “I think I have thought of the perfect plan!”
If Tiberius were awake, they wouldn't like where this was going.
***
Zecora’s hut was so deep in the forest that Luna almost got lost a couple of times. Eventually she was able to find her way to the mysterious tree, but at this hour it was even more off-putting than normal. The painted masks that hung from the roof seemed to have souls of their own. Their blank eye holes seemed to follow Luna with an intense supernatural stare, and the light smoke looming over the structure made her heart run a marathon.
“Alright.” She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. “I can do this,” Luna muttered as she raised a hoof. She knocked three times, if you could call it a knock. They were more like feeble foal taps. “Perhaps that was not loud enough.” Luna puffed out her chest, collected her courage, and smashed her hoof into to the door so hard it broke through. “Well… That Is no good.”
“What have you done to my door?” came a low feminine voice. “This is truly uncalled for!”
“Ah Zecora!” Luna cried as she tried pull her leg from inside the door.
The irate zebra stuck her head through one of the circular windows. “Why have you woken me from my sleep? I was busy counting sheep.”
The Princess’ eyes wandered away from the sleepy enchantress and to the twisted wood of the floor below. “I have a problem that I thought you might be able to assist me with.”
Zecora bit her lip. “At this hour?”
Luna gave her a pouty stare.
“Fine, but expect me to be sour.” The Zebra moved to unlock the door, but instead she found herself pushing a Princess’ leg out of a small hole.
Eventually she pulled herself loose and moved inside. They sat down at a table cut from an ancient tree root, and Luna opened her mouth to speak.
“So I—”
Zecora interrupted her with a single hoof. “We can talk soon, but I feel we need more than just the light of the moon.”
The Zebra trotted to her desk and took out a bowl. She then pulled a few clay jars from under the desk and set them up in a row.
“First, the scale of a dragon!” She pulled a small red oval from a jar and threw it into the bowl. “Next, wood from a wagon.” Zecora grabbed a plank from under the desk and an oversized meat cleaver.
“Why from a wagon specifically?” Luna asked.
Zecora shrugged and looked away. “It makes a good rhyme.”
“You do not have to say all of the ingredients.”
“What do you think I am, a mime?” She said as she split the wood with the cartoonish chopper. “Besides I have to make a good show… You know?”
The Princess rolled her eyes harder than a pair of dice.
“Next a bit of kale, make sure it is not stale!” She throws a few fluffy green leaves into the bowl. “And then one final thing that will make your eyes sting!” She dashes a hooful of orangish powder into the bowl. Suddenly a stream of pale fire explodes from the bowl and jets into the air. The blackness of the night was driven out by rays of fiery light.
“Oh my stars!” Luna cried as she leapt from the table. “What was in that?”
Zecora sighed. “I cannot say. I'd rather remain silent if I may.”
“Why is that?”
The zebra rubbed the back of her head. “This truly is a crime, but cinnamon has no rhyme.”
“Yes a true tragedy indeed.” Luna sat back in her seat. “May we speak about my problem now?”
“But a moment please, lighting these candles will be a breeze.”
Zecora then proceeded to light every single one of the candles by hoof. There were a lot of candles.
“So, what is it you want to know?”
“What!?” Luna shouted as she bolted awake, and her pet fell from her head. Tiberius wasn’t very happy.
“You have fallen asleep,” Zecora put a cup of glowing tea in front of The Princess. “I'm sorry if I made you leap.”
“No no, you are not bothering me,” muttered Luna as she wiped drool from her muzzle. “Well… I came here tonight to ask you about romance.”
The Zebra drew her head back and raised an eyebrow. “Oh my, are you looking for a guy?”
Luna’s brain took a moment to buffer. “No no no. I am looking for a possum.”
Zecora’s jaw began mopping the floor. “You want to date a Possum!? That is not awesome!”
Luna smashed her face into the table. “NO NO NO NO! I am looking for a date for this possum.” The Princess reached under the table and picked up the frightened marsupial.
Tiberius sat on the table and gave Zecora a cockeyed look.
“You want to do what!?” Zecora buried her face in her hooves.
Luna furrowed her brow. “That did not rhyme.”
The zebra tightened her face muscles making her look more like a black and white prune. “What do you think I know about that!” She asked, ignoring the question entirely. “If you don't answer, I'm going to have to end this chat.”
“Could you not make me a love potion?” The Princess said in her “polite voice”.
“No. Now go.”
“And why not,” Luna demanded.
“Princess, I feel there is something more going on here.” Zecora pointed at The Moon Princess’ spilled saddle bag. “No matter how hard you try, that love letter will not disappear.”
Luna leapt on top of the pile of her personal items. “What is this letter you speak of?”
Zecora rubbed her chin and took a sip of the fluorescent tea. “It seems like you are avoiding somepony? Do you not agree?”
“I Hate Hearts And Hooves Day,” she mumbled.
Zecora shook her head. “Say again? What you said sounds insane.”
“I hate this day with a passion. It it a day all about what I can never have. I do not want to feel pain anymore” Luna looked at the root floor below.
“I see.” The zebra nodded. “I would go for it if it were me.”
“You do not know what you are speaking about!” Luna snapped. “You have never had the displeasure of seeing those you love grow old around you.”
“That is true, but I have lost loves just like you.”
Luna smacked the table with her hoof. Tiberius went tumbling to the floor onto their furry rump. “It is not the same!”
“It’s not?” Zecora finished her tea. She then set the cup on the dusty counter behind her. “They are similar battles that we have fought.”
“I did not come here to be lectured!” The Princess shouted. “I want a love potion this instant! I command you by order of royalty!”
“As you like it.” She trotted to the shelf with all of the bottles and grabbed an oblong purple vile. “Even I know when to quit.”
Luna took it in her hooves. She then grinned a bit too wide. “Marvelous!” She ducked to the foot and grabbed Tiberius with her teeth. “Let us go my friend! We must find you love!”
As the alicorn was leaving, Zecora gave a final warning,
“It is unhealthy to avoid one's fate. Maybe you are the one looking for a date.”
***
As The Princess flew over the vast forest, Tiberius clung to her wing and made a loud chirping.
“Good question!” She chimed. “I am going to a very special place! I pondered, where would you find more of your kind? Exactly where I found you!”
If Tiberius had eyebrows they would raise one.
“I found you hanging from a tree somewhere in this part of the forest…” She squinted. “Maybe not here, but either way, it is the perfect plan!”
The opossum shook his little head and stamped a foot.
“Oh, what do you know!” Luna looked down again at the ocean of rolling trees. She spotted an area cleared out by a forest fire. “Hum, I think that may be an adequate place to land. Hold on here. We're going in for a dive!”
A small cloud of ash showered the two as they touched the dirty ground.
“Now if I recall it was due south of this very location…” Luna trotted through the burned area and into the vast cluster of leafy towers. “Yes! It was in one of these trees right here!”
The princess hummed a quiet tune as she made her way deeper and deeper into the undergrowth. Everything in this area was covered in a thick layer of vines and dead leaves. The composting plant matter coating the ground gave off a slight smell of rot.
Tiberius felt right at home.
Luna looked high, and she looked low. She looked on the branches and under the rocks, but nowhere were there other opossum to be found. Just as The Princess began to wonder if possum lived underground, she walked right into a massive tree. “OW!” She rubbed the top of her sore muzzle. “Wonderful. Now you are injuring yourself!”
She looked up, and what she saw made her take a few steps back. It was the tallest, oldest, wrinkliest tree she had ever seen, and hanging from each and every elderly branch were sleeping opossum. “Oh… Oh my…” She picked Tiberius up in her hooves and gave him a big pony hug. “We did it Tiberius! We found them!”
Tiberius wriggled a little, but not too much.
“Let us go talk to one!” The Princess jumped into the air and flapped up to one of the branches. Hanging from the twisted wood were about four possums in a row. Luna focused on a large one with a heart shaped spot over its eye. “Hello there ma’am!” It didn't lift its eyelids. “I am here on behalf of my friend. He wants to know if you would like to spend some time together. Perhaps go to a venue where the two of you could consume food?”
It still didn't move.
Luna sighed and furrowed her brow. “Ma’am!” The Moon Princess poked the animal. It twitched its ears, and pulled its eyes open.
Suddenly it cracked out a blood curdling scream and dropped from the tree. Before Luna understood what what going on, an ocean of marsupials scrambled from the tree and flooded the ground in a sea of fur. The Princess had never seen such a hurricane of small animals. “No! Stop!” She flew down to the giant cascading wave of mammals, but she was driven back by their force field of beastial sounds. Screams and clicks and chirps and scratches and stamping paws all attacked Luna’s fragile eardrums.
The onslaught continued for almost ten whole minutes, but when the pain was finally over, the forest was quiet.
Luna fell from the sky and flopped to the muddy ground. "I am just not having very good luck tonight am I?” She blew a gust of air from her lungs. “I suppose it's time for me to give up. I've got work to do.” The Princess began to pull herself from the wet earth, but before she even lifted her trunk from the ground, she saw a puff of white and gray fur curled a few meters away. “Wait, is that?”
It was. The possum with the heart in its fur lay in a stiff heap covered in a puddle of mud. “Quick Tiberius! We must clean her! She needs a hero now!” Luna snatched up her pet by the tail and galloped over to the wounded animal. She stopped before she got too close. “Now Is you opportunity,” she whispered as she tossed the small mammal toward her target.
Tiberius waddled up to the other possum. it sniffed her. She still wasn't moving. They turned around and looked at Luna. She made a series of elaborate hoof gestures that were probably supposed to mean something.
Tiberius didn't get it, so they waddled back to The Princess.
Luna buried her muzzle into her hooves. “You blew it.” She cracked her neck. “If I must do everything myself I suppose I may be able to lend my talents.”
Luna trotted to the frozen creature and looked down to where it lay. She looked at its contorted mud-caked body and put on a fake grin. “Hello beautiful one.” She raised and lowered her eyebrows repeatedly. It was attractive?
The possum stared back with cold lifeless eyes.
“It is dead,” Luna hung her lead low, tears welling in her eyes. “I have turned into a murderer! I must dispose of the body before anypony discovers my rampage of bloodlust!” She reached out to pick up the sticky body, but before she got her hooves around the thing, it spring to its paws and jumped back almost a full meter. “SWEET STARS ABOVE! SHE HAS BECOME UNDEAD!”
The opossum with the heart eye raised the fur on its back and made a quiet hiss.
“Oh never mind.” The Princess heaved an anvil of relief. “She was just pretending to be dead. I suppose this is your last chance! Go for i—”
“Princess Luna?” rang the smooth tone of an unfamiliar voice.
The Night Princess Lept into the air, and the opossum went skittering away into the foliage. “Who… What… Where?” With each word she whirled her head around to a different focal point causing her to look a bit like a tornado having a seizure.
“Over here,” came the voice again, this time with a slight giggle to it. Out from between two trees came the slender body of a young stallion. His coat was a light gray, and his mane was soft blue.
“Hello there,” Luna greeted him with a half smile.
“What is it that brings you out here, your grace?” As the stallion drew closer, it became easier to see him. Over his muscular chest bulge was a form-fitting silver armor plate.
Could it be? thought The Princess. “Sir?”
He paused while climbing over a petrified root. “Yes, ma’am?”
Luna twiddled her hooves. “I apologize, I am not the best with faces. Are you one of my guards?”
He smiled a glowing smile and rubbed his chin. “No need to apologize, ma’am. Yes, I've been with your personal guard for several years now.” He stopped about a meter away from The Princess; then he sat down with a clatter of his gleaming chest plate. “I can't blame you for not recognizing me. With our helmets on we’re pretty hard to tell apart.”
“What brings you here?” Luna asked, trying to avoid his piercing blue gaze.
“I was about to ask the same of you.” He took a saddle bag off his back and began to unpack a small pile of plastic wrapped food. “This is where I come to have dinner.”
Luna was taken aback. “At three am?”
He laughed, and as he did so, big dimples formed at the sides of his mouth. Everything about him seemed to glow with a warm radiance. “Perks of the late shift.”
Luna gave him a sideways grin, and stared at him from the corner of her eye. “I certainly understand the complications of working late.”
“So, you haven't answered yet. Why have you graced me with your presence?” He unwrapped a sandwich from plastic wrap and began to calmly munch on it.
“I came here to…” Luna stopped herself. “It's a long story…”
He shrugged his shoulders. “I have a long time.”
Princess Luna sighed and looked at his expectant face. “I suppose I am trying to avoid Heart’s And Hooves Day. Seeing others in love makes me feel worse about myself.”
He nodded and pulled himself closer to Luna. “I know how that is. Every year I have to get away from the other stallions in my group. They all have marefriends, and I'm still alone. They bash me about it, but it's whatever. I've learned to tune it out.”
“Yeah.”
There was silence. Neither of them knew what to say, so they just sat. They listened to the chirping of the tiny crickets, they watched the tall trees sway in the gentle breeze, and they ate food. The unknown stallion was very generous with his dinner, almost as if it were made for two.
“Want some cake?” The stallion asked with a wide grin glued to his face.
“Of course!” Luna took the paper plate into her hooves and had a small bite of the confection. It was smooth and creamy, and little bits of it kept getting stuck to the roof of her mouth. It tasted a bit like strawberry, but also a bit like some other things she couldn't quite place. “Wow! This is amazing! Where did you find it?”
“I didn't find it; I made it.”
“You bake!?” Luna demanded, her eyes wide.
He chuckled. “You bet! My mom taught me when I was little.”
There was another pregnant pause in conversation as Luna inhaled the slice of rich cake.
“Why do you carry all of this with you?” Luna asked as she wiped frosting from her muzzle.
“There was a mare I wanted to ask out here, so I made food for us.” The stallion closed his eyes as if a dagger was plunged into his side. “At the last second I got embarrassed and left a note instead. I was too much of a wuss to even sign it with my own name.”
Suddenly Luna felt a great weight in her saddle bag. “And who was this mare?” There was a catch in her voice.
He shook his head. “It doesn't matter anymore. It worked out in the end.” The stallion packed up all of the little kitchen doodads and garbage that was scattered on the ground and stuffed it into his empty bag. From where she was sitting Luna could also see a sad bouquet of red roses being crushed at the bottom. “Anyway. It looked like we're all done here, Princess.” The stallion stood up and looked away from Luna. “It is rather early in the morning. I should probably go home before my bedtime. I don't want to be tired at work.”
Luna snapped out of her mind. “Oh yes. See you then, hopefully.”
He smiled another smile, but somehow it felt less warm this time; it was almost like he had been defeated.
“Have a nice night, your highness.” He began to climb down the spiderweb of roots, but before he got far, he turned around and stared with his jet blue eyes. “I hope you who you're looking for.”
“You too.”
Then he was gone.
Princess Luna felt like she was deflating. She sat at the base of the tree and couldn't help but feel like she had just fell a great distance.
Tiberius poked his head from inside Luna’s sparkling mane and chirped.
“Were you hiding from him?”
He nodded.
“Do not worry, my pet.” She scratched his chin. “He was quite nice.”
***
The path she trotted down was dirty and familiar. It was one that the princess had walked many times when she needed to get away.
Deep in the forest was a place few knew. A grassy clearing where many memories have been made. It made Luna a bit sentimental.
She sighed and plunked her rump to the moist ground. She looked up to the sky. The moon was a slim slice hanging in the starry night. The dark blues and purples that stained the sky looked like an expressionist painting. One could see the individual brush strokes of the cosmos melting into a pallet of wonder.
“Tiberius what is love supposed to be?”
The small furry animal uncurled himself from the forest floor and lifted his head. His jet black eyes boring into the princess’ soul.
“I have never felt the kind of romance you read in the books. The sentimental kind of love where you age together and die together.” Her eyes began to well with puddles of crystal tears. “I hate Hearts And Hooves Day. I have always hated it because it's celebrating something I can never truly have. Something I can only dream of. I do not mean to sound too melodramatic. It is mostly my own fault.” Her voice began to break and waiver. “I cannot bear to love anymore. They are afraid to involve themselves with royalty, and I am afraid of what will happen to them eventually.” As a single tear rolled its way down her gentle face, she closed her eyes and felt each individual blade of grass being crushed beneath her. “This was the very place that I met and lost my greatest love. It has been millennia since that fateful day, and I still cannot manage to let it go.”
Tiberius crawled onto Princess Luna’s shoulder and nuzzled the side of her face, his whiskers prickling her muzzle.
Luna let out a soft giggle. “Thank you. I know I am being a fool. We were happy, at least for a while. But there is no way I'm ever going to be happy like that again.”
Tiberius squinted his eyes and stood up on his hind legs. Suddenly they gave an all-out possum slap to the side of her face. It kind of felt like being tapped by a pipe cleaner, but Luna was surprised nonetheless.
“What did you do that for?” the Moon Princess whimpered.
Tiberius started squeaking adamantly and waving his paws about in the air.
"But what if I—”
The overbearing opossum shook his little head and put his foot down. They weren't having any of this nonsense.
“But… but... but…” Luna sighed and looked at the sky once again. “I know. You are right. It is time for me to go forward. But healing is difficult, especially when you feel like your scars are self-inflicted.”
Tiberius squeaked a comforting squeak and patted Luna’s shoulder.
“Thank you. That means a lot to me.” Luna plucked Tiberius off of her shoulder and gave him a kiss on the head. They squirmed a bit, but eventually the princess put him on the ground.
He looked around for a few moments; then he grabbed two fluffy weeds from the surrounding area and began to hold them up in the air like pom-poms. They took a deep breath and then began to jump around swinging the weeds around with him. They were doing Luna a cheer.
“You really think I can do it?”
Another nod from the marsupial.
“Yes. YES! I think I can! have been stuck in this sorrow and self loathing for far too long. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get back out there!” She jumped up to her hooves and held her chin up high. “I think I can do this! I will show the world that Hearts and hooves day is no match for me!”
The Princess shot to her hooves, and grabbed her saddle bag. Perhaps she was a bit too violent with it because everything inside came tumbling out and a great waterfall. Luna frowned and went to recollect the items. One by one she picked the things back up and stuffed it into the bag, but one object gave her pause. It was the guard’s crumpled up letter. Princess Luna grinned a small grin and lifted it with her two front hooves.
“Tiberius, I think I know what I have to do.” She said. She put her bag onto her back and began the trek down the dusty path. Off in the distance Canterlot castle loomed, the vibrant orange sun rising behind it, and it's color bleeding through the cracks between the towers.
“I am sorry we never found you a special somepossum.” Luna added. “Maybe some day.”
END.