I am a fraud.
For so long now, even longer than I can remember, I have been lying.
Why? Because I was scared.
I have been putting up an act, and faking everything, until I believed my own lies too. There are two simple reasons to why anyone has ever liked me. The reason I have any friends at all. It was quite easy actually. I simply told everyone what he or she wanted to hear and kissed but never told. You thought I randomly remembered what you told me a month ago. Hah, you wish. Everything is a part of a carefully coordinated plan in my mind. Even the smallest detail counts.
I know what I want you to think about me, and I know the exact words to tell you to pull the right strings. It is almost like a hobby that turned into an obsession. Then it is hilarious to see how you fools fall for it, every one of you.
Of course, a few ones see straight through my act. Life would not be as exiting without those little challenges.
However, even though they see through every move, I take; they never care enough, and fall in the trap like everyone else in the end. It just takes time in some cases. Usually I can figure someone out quickly, and what exactly I need to say to make him or her love me.
Moreover, it has all worked though all these years. I was so obsessed with making everyone love me, that I began falling for it myself. I thought, “If everyone loves me, maybe there’s actually something lovely about me that I haven’t seen before?” Slowly I started believing that lie too.
Nevertheless, it is in the best moments we realize that none of this is worth it. Just as I am realizing now.
My life is perfect.
However, it is a perfect lie, full of rotten love and delicious hate. Hate that grows like a tumour with each passing day.
You see, people love what they think is me. The “me” that is a joke. The “me” that is all just a lie.
Some of my lies are superficial, like when they say,
“You have such a beautiful hair”.
Really? Because most of it is extensions.
“Your skin is marvellous!” well, yours would be too if you painted it with gallons of makeup every morning.
“Your eyes are gorgeous!” but the fact that I can take off my vibrant eye colour and long eyelashes is not quite as gorgeous.
They love a “me” that is not there.
They are impressed with my looks, and personality, and want to be friends.
Therefore, I do my best to make the relationship healthy, by melding a new personality for every person that I want to impress. You did not fall in love with me. I MADE you fall in love with me, by telling you the right thing at the right time, and revealing the small parts of my personality that I knew you would like.
Life is a game, and if you do not play, you lose.
Well, I do not want to lose.
Therefore, it is breaking me in pieces to realize that I have already lost.
Because what do you think would happen if I took off all my hair extensions, fake eyelashes, washed of my makeup, and showed the world my real personality? My snarky, sarcastic and grumpy personality? The personality that is disgusted by its own race? The “me” that is unlikeable.
Do you think I would have friends for long if I started acting like the real me, if I stopped caring about what I say to people and told them my hurtful comments, the ones that I really think believe?
We all know the answer. I would end alone.
That is right; I have not told you about why I am doing any of this. Why I want people to “love me”. The answer is quite simple. I am scared of being alone again. I am scared of having no one.
A single star can shine brighter than a billion stars together, but that is, only if someone notices its light.
If somebody is alone, does the person even exist? I do not know. Nevertheless, I was scared of the answer, so I made sure it was not my case. Made sure that my light was bright and people noticed it, and I shone as bright as I could.
However, each star, even the brightest, has to die someday. Today is my someday. I cannot put up with being a “me” that is not there anymore.
You will always be in my heart, for you were the one I truly loved.
~Your Fleur De Lis
“And that should teach him that I AM the best prankster!” Fleur giggled, as she put the letter in an envelope and put it on Fancy Pants’ bed.
“Thy is so weird, Fleur,” Luna said as she shook her head. “What did thou even write him?”
Fleur grinned mischievously. “A love letter. Or well, one inspired by that mental illness documentary I saw yesterday!”
Luna just rolled her eyes, but Fleur kept on talking.
“They showed an interview where a female with a psychosis talked about how she believed she was this “mastermind” that made everyone love her, while in reality, she had been held in a shed most of her life.
The doctors explained that she had made an alternate reality inside of her head where she imagined she had tons of friends and everybody loved her, and she started believing that was what really had happened all these years, once she was saved from her abusive psychotic parents.
It is such an awesome story, so I took some inspiration from it and wrote my own version. He’s totally going to lose his mind, and I’ll finally win the title “prankster of the year” that he and I always compete about!”
Fleur’s eyes were glimmering and she was smiling like a maniac.
“Well, thou can only wait and see,” Luna smiled.
“That’s true!” Fleur laughed as she started to walk towards the door.
“I wonder what his stupid idea for a prank today is though. I would have guessed clowns, since I am scared to death of them, but he used that idea last year. Maybe he will simply give up this year. Hahah-“
A clown suddenly jumped out the door and Fleur De Lis died from a heart attack.
Is only just the beginning.