Late one evening, Vinyl and Octavia have a chat which ends to their mutual advantage. And the next morning, they went shopping, and after that...
It's late, the fire is lit, you've a steaming hot mug of tea... what better time to have a chat and set the world to rights, and maybe get something else out of it too?
Rated 'T' due to moderate innuendo .
--------------------------------------
*EDIT* Hello, ponies! This was originally going to be a one-shot wonder, but I enjoyed writing it, so there you are. And although it says 'completed', that's only really because each chapter can be read alone. I'll probs always be adding more chapters!
“This is cozy now, isn't it? All snuggled up by the fire, with a steaming hot mug of tea, and a blanket over one's knees. Makes one feel all... fluffy inside, if you know what I mean?”
“...”
“Yes, well I suppose you're not really one for drinking tea... but you've got your, er, 'power drink', haven't you? And that's... nice?”
“...”
“Hmm. Not very good for you though, I'm afraid. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: you wouldn't feel the need to drink such awful tripe if you just got a little more sleep.”
“...”
“That's as may be! But it's no excuse for keeping me awake as well. If you're bouncing off the wall with lucohayd, or whatever it's called, you can hardly expect to feel chipper come morning-time.”
“...”
“I know it tastes nice but that's no excuse. I'm sure changelings think that we would taste nice, but that doesn't mean they should go around gobbling up our feelings, does it?”
“...”
“Thank you, I'm glad you understand.”
“...”
“Oh, stop it Vinyl! You're making me blush. I'm warm enough as it is.”
“...”
“It is rather, isn't it? Pop another log on the fire, there's a good dear. Thank you, Vinyl. One of the advantages of being a unicorn, I suppose.”
“!!!”
“Shh! Vinyl, really! What if there were ponies listening? They'd think we were a right couple of slu-... yes, I know they can't hear you, but you know what I mean.”
“...”
“Better. Now, what was I saying? Ah yes, I'd just said something about the advantages of being a unicorn, and then you said something I shan't repeat. What was I going to say? Oh, I remember. It must be much easier buying things, if you're a unicorn.”
“..?”
“Well, with only one denomination of coin, the rather unimaginatively named 'one bit', it gets awkward if you want to buy something costing, say, forty bits. Like a nice new umbrella, for instance.”
“...”
“No, not that I'd need to buy one, of course. Thank you again, Vinyl, it was most considerate of you.”
“...”
“Yes, it's a very... energetic shade of orange. I'm certainly not going to lose it anytime soon. But say I did lose it, and had to buy a new one, I'd have to carry forty coins with me, at least!”
“...”
“I know that doesn't sound like too much, but don't forget what I overheard in the market the other day: Fluttershy was buying a cherry, a single, minging cherry, for twenty bits!”
“!!!”
“I know! Inflation is getting out of hoof these days. Wasn't like that when we were fillies, of course. A bit was worth something, back then.”
“...”
“Well, I can't argue with that.”
“..?”
“I think so, but I shall have to ask Miss Heartstrings to be certain.”
“..?”
“Because of what Discord said to her, remember?”
“..!”
“Really, Vinyl, I think all those energy drinks are having an adverse effect on your memory. Oh no, don't be like that! I don't mind you drinking them really, I just think you go a little overboard, sometimes, is all.”
“...”
“Oh, you are sweet! So sweet, in fact, that I may ever consider going to that David Whinny tribute festival with you in Februarhay.”
“!?”
“I said may! Don't get your hopes up too far. I'm not sure if I'm playing in Canterlot on that day yet, so we shall have to see.”
“...”
“It is annoying, how they keep us in suspense. I think they like to make sure that we know that they, the producers, are in charge, not us, the performers.”
“...”
“Yes, you're lucky you're such good friends with Neon. I remember when I fell out with my agent a few years ago; he did his best to make things as difficult as possible for me.”
“...”
“How what you mean?”
“...”
“Oh Vinyl, you're so good to me. I don't know what I'd do without you, really I don't. When I first met you... well, you know how hard things were for me at the time. Y-you pulled me through, Vinyl. When I finished that concert, and they gave me the news... I didn't know what to do. I was ready to jack it all in, to find peace the only way I could think of... but then I met you. You kept me going, Vi. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for you. Thanks, Vinyl.”
“...”
“Oh don't cry, you'll start me off next! I don't know what brought that on, but it's true. It's true what I said, Vi. You're my best friend, and I owe you more than you will ever know.”
“...”
“You're right! Let's put some music on, that'll cheer us up. What would you like?”
“..?”
“Ooh, Vinyl! I didn't know you had it in you. Righto, I'll see what I can find. No no, you stay here. I'll get it.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Right, here we are. The Best of Ludovico Haynaudi. It's not like you to ask for classical, are you sure?”
“...”
“Very well, if you insist! I certainly don't mind... Are you trying to butter me up, Vinyl?”
“!!!”
“No, of course not. I'm sorry for even suggesting such a thing! Quite preposterous, of course, it's not like you've ever done it in the past.”
“..!”
“If you insist. In which case, I'm glad that you seem to be turning over a new leaf. Classical music is surely better for the mind and soul than that 'EDM' and 'dubstep' stuff you've always been so fond of.”
“...”
“But is a beat really so important? I agree it can be nice sometimes, but I'm sure it's not good to have it blasting into your ears at all hours. No! Don't you roll your eyes at me, missie!”
“...”
“Oh, I love you too, Vi.”
“...”
“Vinyl, are you flirting with me? Because it won't work, I warn you now.”
“...”
“Well, I- that is to say-”
“..!”
“Vinyl, what are you...?”
“!!!”
“Oh, Vinyl! You liar! Y- hmmm..!”
“...”
“Hmm, Vinyl... you always have been a good kisser...”
“..?”
“And now you're raising your eyebrows at me. Vinyl, you know what I said, it won't work!”
“...??”
“Well, maybe just a little...”
“..!”
“Oh, go on then... Ooooh! Oh, that feels good! Ooh, you naughty thing! You n- No wait, wait a m-...! Ooh! Wait a moment.”
“But we had it last week, and the week before, and the week before that...”
“..!”
“Again with the 'it's nice' argument! You can't use that with everything.”
“..?”
“Oh, I don't know! It... loses its value, or something. If we only get things because they're 'nice' then we'd both end up being very unhealthy.”
“..!”
“Aw, thanks Vi. But if I want to stay that way I must eat healthily, you see, and so..?”
“...”
“Thank you for being so understanding. We'll get the bumper-pack, family-friendly, economy-size box of Jaffa cakes next week instead then, alright?”
“...”
“Lovely. Now, what's next on the list?”
“...”
“I see... not sure where to find those. Do you know?”
“...”
“Ah, righto. In which case, lead on, m'darling!”
“..!”
“...”
“...”
“Ooh, Vinyl, look! Extra-strong maremite! We simply must get some. It's so difficult to get hold of in Equestria. Back in Hayngland we had it all the time, on toast. Have you ever had maremite on toast, Vi?”
“...”
“Right! That settles it. It's coming with us.”
“...”
“I'm sure you will like it. I admit it is an... acquired taste, but once you get used to it you won't be able to help but love it. Though having said that...”
“..?”
“Well, I'm just wondering if, before getting you onto the extra-strong, it might not be best to start you off with the regular maremite? Wean you onto it gently, as it were.”
“...”
“Alright then. Well get some of that as well. There we go! One jar of regular for you, and one jar of extra-strong for me.”
“..?”
“Ah yes, I'd forgotten about that. Let's get it now before I forget again.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“There it is! I see it. How much do we need?”
“...”
“Are you sure we need that much?”
“...”
“Well, if you insist. I must admit I am rather partial to it myself, every once in a while. Not as a lifestyle choice, you understand, but on the odd occasion.”
“...”
“Yes.”
“...”
“Well, I suppose so. But you know how it is. Now, what else do we need to be getting? Let me see... peas. We need two packets of peas. And oats, and hay, and pickled onions.”
“..!”
“Yes, Vinyl, pickled onions! I know you're not that fond of them, but I'm rather fond of them myself. They go just right with a maremite sandwich. We could've got those when we got the maremite, in the 'Haynglish Foods' section. Ah well. Back we go.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Right then, pickled onions... pickled onions, pickled onions... where are they?”
“...”
“Oh yes, right at the top. Be a dear, Vi, and pass a couple of jars down to me, please. I can't reach that far up. Why they insist on putting things so out of rea- oh, thank you Vinyl.”
“...”
“Yes, another advantage of being a unicorn... you can reach things which other mares aren't tall enough to... or bendy enough...”
“!!!”
“Hm! Of course, you're quite right. This is not the time for subtle innuendo. That must wait till this evening. What next? Oh yes, oats. They'll be some of those around here too, I expect.”
“..?”
“Well we could, I suppose, but I much prefer oats from Trotland. They remind me of home. Though why all the shops round here insist upon putting Trottish food in the Haynglish section all the time is beyond me. They're quite different countries, after all.”
“..?”
“Really? Then I shall have to teach you the difference, sometime. It really is very important to know. But also rather complicated, so perhaps I'll tell you later... There're the oats! We'll have three packets of those, I think, unless you think we'll need more?”
“...”
“No, I suppose you're right. Well, in that case, what's next on the list?”
“...”
“Oh yes, hay. We'll get that from the 'organic foods' section, over there.”
“...”
“...”
“..!”
“It is, isn't it! I'm sure it wasn't before, was it?”
“...”
“I didn't think so. Still, I suppose it's what some ponies like to call 'progress', and what I call 'unnecessary meddling'. Wasn't like that in my day.”
“...”
“Sometimes you show great wisdom, Vi, d'you know that? Still, that won't get the shopping done, so unless you can think of anything else, let's head over to the checkouts.”
“...”
“We might as well use 'self-serve', seeing as we don't have much to buy this time. If you pass the things to me, I'll scan them and bag them.”
“...”
“...”
“Unexpected item in bagging area.”
“Seriously? These machines are not very reliable. I literally just scanned that maremite! I'll go and get someone to help.”
“Unexpected item in bagging area.”
“Er, excuse me? I'm sorry to bother you, but I think our checkout is having attitude problems. I don't suppose you cou- thank you so much.”
“...”
“...”
“That's better. Now, do I scan the maremite again, or...? We'll assume not. Is that everything?”
“...”
“Jolly good. Fortunately these machines take cards, or we would've had to carry about a hundred bits around with us all morning. Most inconvenient.”
“..!?”
“Yes, it's a titanium card.”
“..?”
“I pay all my bills on time, that's all. Just because you don't, doesn't mean everypony is as careless. Need I remind you of the Impinged Tetrapack Fiasco?”
“!!!”
“Exactly! And you can't blame it all on Neon either, so don't. You know his part in the affair was really very small, and the authorities were right to let him off with a mere thousand bit fine.”
“...”
“I know, only too well! Still, never mind. Right, well that's everything paid for, so let's be off.”
“...”
“Indeed! Though we can't go home yet because I need to go and buy a new umbrella from the market.”
“...”
“It is odd. I have no idea how I could have lost something so incredibly brightly-coloured, and... zany. Almost as though it wanted to be lost. Still, it was very thoughtful of you, Vi.”
“...”
“...”
“Ooh, brrr! It's a bit chilly out here! Though I suppose it is Januhayry. Would you mind tucking my scarf in for me, Vinyl? I can't quite reach.”
“...”
“Thank you very mu- hm!”
“!!!”
“Hmwa..! Vinyl! Not here, ponies will see! It's very sweet of you, though, you charmer. Now, let's see if we can find a new umbrella...”
“Okay, here we go. You've heard of The Uneighted Kingdom, haven't you?”
“...”
“Good. Well, the Uneighted Kingdom, UK for short, is unusual in that it is a country made of other countries. You with me so far?”
“...”
“Don't worry, it gets easier. The four countries which make up the UK are Hayngland, Whayles, Trotland and Northern Shireland. You still following alright?”
“...”
“Jolly good. Each of these countries, Hayngland, Whayles, Trotland and Northern Shireland, are separate countries that just happen to share a government... sort of like Equestria and the Crystal Empire. It's not quite the same, but it's a useful analogy.”
“...”
“Yes. And it is important to remember that Northern Shireland is not the same as Shireland, which is not part of the UK.”
“..!”
“I know, I know, it can be confusing. But it's all down to history. You think Equestria is old? Hayngland is even older! And because it's so old, and the other 'constituent countries' are so old, things have got rather complicated. The UK has a democratic government, unlike Equestria, which means that you vote for your government. And, because of history and politics and stuff, ponies from Shireland can vote in UK elections, even though they're not from there!”
“..!”
“I know! Still, 'tis the way things are.”
“...”
“I'm glad you're taking such an interest, Vi.”
“..?”
“Well, it's just that, sometimes, when you're 'wubbing' away at something in your headphones, I worry you're missing out on other things.”
“..?”
“Like the sounds of the world, or the strains of a well-played cello – not that I mean to brag – or the wonderfully rich hues of a beautiful sunset... oh! Oh, I'm sorry, Vi. It just... slipped out.”
“...”
“Thanks, Vi. I'm sorry. I just, you know, forget sometimes. I'm so used to it now that I don't really think about it. But I suppose you can't help but think about it.”
“...”
“Do you- no, I don't suppose you would.”
“..?”
“No, no, it's nothing.”
“..??”
“Oh, alright then. All I was going to ask is whether you ever feel, y'know... not proud, as such, but... interesting, if you know what I mean?”
“..?”
“Well, it's just that achromatopsia is so very rare, particularly amongst unicorns, you see the world in a way hardly anypony else does. I know you don't enjoy having it, but it must make for an interesting thing to tell ponies, at parties and so forth.”
“..!”
“I know! I know you'd rather not have it, but still... Though I suppose I can't really talk about it, having never experienced it firsthoof.”
“...”
“Indeed. Still, where were we? Ah yes, the Uneighted Kingdom.”
“...”
“Yes, it's a very democratic country. I did say that, I think?”
“...”
“But it's a kingdom, yes... which means that the head of state is not elected.”
“...”
“It doesn't sound terribly fair, I admit, but at least it's better than Equestria, when not even the head of government is elected! And, not that I'm complaining, but we're all stuck with Celestia for eternity, what with her being immortal and all.”
“...”
“Hmm. At least she's a relatively fair ruler, even if unelected.”
“..?”
“Well, I say 'relatively' because, back in the day, things weren't so rosy for the earthpony contingent of Equestrian society.”
“...”
“Indeed! And not only that, but slavery and downright persecution! I know things have improved greatly over the last few hundred years, but still. The pain remains.”
“...”
“Yes, I suppose you're right. You so often are, you know? Forgive and forget, and so forth. Apart from the Two Sisters, there's nopony alive today who was there in the days before earthpony emancipation, and Luna wasn't even on the planet.”
“...”
“And Discord, yes, though he doesn't really count. He- oh! Was that the door?”
“...”
“I'll go and see who it is. Back in a jiff.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“That was Miss Derpy at the door, Vi, with a parcel. It's quite thin and it sounds like a disc of some sort, but I didn't open it, because it's addressed to you.”
“...”
“Oh go on, open it! Don't keep me in suspenders!”
“..!”
“Oh, you know what I mean. Do open it, Vi, there's a dear.”
“...”
“Oh... really?”
“...”
“Oh, right. Is it not something I can see?”
“...”
“Well, if you're sure... I'll, er, just be in the, er, kitchen, then... hmm.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Ah, Vinyl you're, er- is everything alright? You seem... Is it about the mysterious parcel, whatever it was?”
“...”
“What's that noise?”
“...”
“Yes, I'm following you, I'm- Vinyl, is that – cello, I can hear?”
“...”
“That's one of the pieces I played at the last Canterlot music festival...”
“...”
“Vi? Have you bought a CD of my music? With your own money?”
“..!”
“Oh, Vinyl! That's so sweet! I didn't think you even particularly liked that sort of thing.”
“...”
“Ooh, you old charmer! And here was me worrying about what it was you were hiding from me.”
“...”
“Yes, I should've known you better by now. I'm sure you'd never hide something from me unless it was for my own good. Though I hope you'd let me know anyway. Not that I'm nosey or anything.”
“..!”
“Really, Vi! A lady is never nosey, as Miss Rarity would say. Still, I can't help a certain... curiosity, at something being kept from me, can I?”
“...”
“Indeed. Returning to the present... that really is a very thoughtful gesture, Vi, thank you. I didn't feel comfortable, buying my own music; it seemed rather self-centred, if you know what I mean.”
“..!”
“Vi! You spoil me greatly, d'you know that?”
“...”
“Ha, of course you do!”
“...”
“Oh Vi, I love you so much. You're always so good to me, even though we disagree on more than a few things. Like music, for example. I don't think I could ever enjoy having 'wubs' and 'dropbasses' blasting in my ears in the way y- what is it, what did I say?”
“..!”
“But you knew what I meant! I meant bassdrops, even if I mixed up the word somewhat. You'll have to make allowances when it comes to EDM terminology, I'm afraid, it's really not my forte.”
“...”
“I'm pleased you like classical th-”
“...”
“Well, alright, some classical. You do like the music I make, don't you?”
“!!!”
“Vinyl! That's not what I was implying! I was referring to actual music, not... that. Not that I'm actually averse to such, ah, 'music', mind you.”
“..!”
“Well, not in so many words...”
“..??”
“Again with the eyebrows, Vi! If you wish to suggest that we – hm! – that we, er, 'make sweet music', to use a slightly vulgar but common idiom, you've no need to resort to flattery and innuendo.”
“..!?”
“Not that I'm saying I'm always willing! It's just that, you know, there's a right time and place for everything, and you've been so nice to me today...”
“Come on Vi, get up! It's already gone seven o'clock.”
“-”
“Don't think I don't know you're faking, missy.”
“-”
“Argh! Come on Vi, you've got to get up! We need to leave in just over an hour!”
“-”
“Fine. If you won't wake up, I shall have no other option than to... oh, I know.”
“-”
“-”
“-”
“Right. If you don't get up by the time I count to three, I'll pour this saucepan of water over you. I'm warning you! It's cold!”
“-”
“Don't make me count to three, Vi!”
“-”
“One, tw-”
“!!!”
“Exactly! You were awake all along. Now get up, lazy mare, and help me get breakfast.”
“..?”
“No, there was no saucepan. But there could have been, couldn't there? So don't risk it next time.”
“...”
“Yes, I know you're all warm, and comfortable, and cozy...”
“..?”
“No! I won't go back to bed with you, Vi. We've got to leave by half eight at the latest, so now it's breakfast time. Not snuggling time, breakfast ti- Vinyl, stop making eyes at me. You know we have to get up, so stop wasting time!”
“???”
“No! How many times, Vi? We have to get up. Can't you understand that? It's simple enough! Get – up. Not hard to follow! There isn't time now. You said yesterday y-”
“...”
“You said yesterday that you'd get up on time today, so just do it! Come on!”
“...”
“Agh! Fine! I'll leave you there. See how your boss likes it when you don't turn up, because I won't be covering f- wait, are you... laughing?”
“..!”
“Vinyl, y-”
“..!”
“Seriously, Vinyl, this isn't the time! I'm flattered you find me cute when I'm angry, but I do wish you wouldn't go out of your way to make me so.”
“..?”
“It isn't good for the heart, for one. And, furthermore, we don't – have – time! So come on, Vi.”
“...”
“Thank you, that's much better. Whew, I got all worked up just then. I can feel my heart racing.”
“...”
“No, I don't think it was remembering last night that did it. Fun though that was...”
“..!”
“Yes, yes, I know! We're in a hurry. Though we wouldn't be if you hadn't-”
“...”
“Fine. I understand you were enjoying just lying there, but that sort of behaviour should really be postponed till the weekend. Which, incidentally, is never long enough. Five days on, only two days off? I'm sure it isn't healthy.”
“...”
“Indeed. What will you have to eat? Muesli? Trottish porridge? Ooh, I know!”
“..?”
“You can try a cheese and chutneigh sandwich! Traditional Haynglish fayre; sweet whilst remaining... well, I suppose it isn't actually nutritious, as such, but it is tasty.”
“...”
“Of course, only once in a while. We mustn't let taste get in the way of health. And there are plenty of tasty foods that are also healthy. But, occasionally, I'm sure a cheese-and-chutneigh won't hurt.”
“..?”
“No need to sound so reticent, Vi! I'm sure you'll love it. It is, I admit, an unusual taste, for those used to hay and oats. And, I suppose, the philosophical and ethical questions one could ask about the cheese, which, after all, comes from the milk of another sentient being... hm.”
“..?”
“On second thoughts, let's just stick with maremite. You can't go wrong with maremite on toast, of a morning, can you?”
“...”
“Oh, really? But I thought you'd liked it last time? Ah well. It is an acquired taste, after all.”
“..?”
“Thank you, Vi, two slices, if you don't mind.”
“..?”
“Yes, well, one mustn't go overboard. To retain this figure one must eat well and take plenty of exercise.”
“..!”
“Vinyl, really! I assure you that isn't the only way I work off excess calories, even though for you that may be the case. Now, what will you have for breakfast?”
“...”
“Yes, and what else?”
“...”
“Nothing? Nothing else? How many times must I tell you, Vi, ponykind cannot live on powerdrinks alone! It says so. Have it if you will – though I strongly recommend you rethink – but you must have something substantial inside you before we leave.”
“..!”
“Vinyl! You really are the coarsest mare I have ever known. And I'm not at all sure that having my hooves referred to as 'substantial' is a good thing. But that's besides the point. What will you eat?”
“..!”
“Again, Vinyl! Honestly, anypony listening in on this conversation would assume you were a monomaniac about se-”
“...”
“Yes, that's a much better suggestion. Porridge. Good old, stoic, steadfast, porridge. Even the word sounds sort of... stodgy.”
“...”
“With maple syrup? Really? Do you really need it? Porridge tastes just fine on its own, Vi. You needn't add to it unnecessarily, y'know.”
“...”
“Are you sure I can't dissuade you?”
“...”
“Very well. Porridge with syrup it shall be. Is my toast d- ah yes, it's done. Be a dear, Vi, and spread some maremite on for me?”
“..?”
“Thinly! Very, very thinly. One must be sparing with maremite. It is rather... strong. I remember one occasion, back when I was at university in Manechester, a friend of mine dared somepony else to eat a whole spoonful, neat!”
“!!!”
“I know! I don't know what she was thinking... Anyhow, after a few seconds it evidently became a bit much for her, for she was violently sick all over the table. Most unfortunate. I hadn't yet finished my own breakfast. Wasted, it was! Ah well, these things are sent to try us. They are our cross. One must push on.”
“..!”
“Yes, I know it was only breakfast, but I was on a university budget, remember!”
“...”
“Indeed. Looking at the clock, Vi, I don't think you've actually got time for porridge. You can have it raw instead. It's just as healthy, and no less tasty.”
“...”
“Yes, you may still have syrup. As long as you try a spoonful without syrup first, to see how you like it. Deal?”
“..!”
“Jolly good! If you'll finish putting the maremite on that toast I'll pour the milk on your oats... the milk... ah- hm.”
“..?”
“Nothing, nothing. Do you know, I've heard that rice milk is rather tasteful. Perhaps we'll try that instead next week. Or I might get some today... yes.”
“..?”
“It was Bon Bon, actually, who put me onto it. She uses it in her cœliac-friendly chocolate. It's rather sweet, apparently.”
“...”
“Yes, I know what you mean. We'll do that.”
“...”
“Of course.”
“...”
“I have to say I agree with you, though don't forget what the Princess said about breezies. Unusual, I must say.”
“...”
“Hmm. Well, in any case, we're running rapidly out of time, so I suggest we get on with breakfast. A-a-ah! No syrup yet, young lady, not till you've tried a spoonful without.”
“..!”
“Come now! How d'you know you don't like it if you won't try it? Open wide now.”
“..!”
“Vinyl! You said you'd try it. Don't make me do frowny face!”
“..!”
“I will, if you don't uphold your word! Come on, eat up, Vi.”
“...”
“That's better. Here comes the aeroplane, nyoooowm! Om! There, that wasn't so hard, was it?”
“!!!”
“But at least you know, now! Go on then, here's the syrup.”
“...”
“Look at us, Vi. Acting like a pair of little fillies. You'd've thought we'd grow out of it, but no!”
“...”
“Yes. As my mother always used to say, we never really grow up. Just get older and go grey.”
“...”
“I know I'm already grey, Vinyl, thank you. I think she was referring to manecolour. D'you think you'll dye yours, when you start greying?”
“...”
“I suppose we'll find out at the time. And that time is not now! It's almost eight, so we must hurry.”
“...”
“Sorry. I'll stop talking and eat.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Well, that was nice! Nothing like a good bit of maremite on toast. And that was nothing like a good bit of maremite on toast.”
“..!”
“I'm kidding! Actually it was lovely. You did a good job at spreading, Vi. I know it sounds silly, but there really is a knack to it.”
“...”
“Indeed! Now let's brush our teeth and get ready to leave, we're off in just twenty minutes.”
“..?”
“Yes, I thought I'd walk with you part of the way. You don't mind me coming with you, do you?”
“!!!”
“Vinyl! Fine, I'll admit that yes, I did enjoy 'coming' with you last night. But now is not the time to discuss! Now is time to be getting ready to leave.”
“...”
“Well, if you're always waiting for me, you might as well do the dishes while I'm brushing my mane.”
“Good. This is a serious game, and I wouldn't want you to be unprepared.”
“...”
“You're quite right. Alright then, here we go...”
“...”
“...”
“!!!”
“Oh, well done. You're winning so far. You start this time.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Snap! Huzzah! The fun has been doubled. I'm afraid these are all mine, Vi.”
“...”
“Never mind, you might win again one day.”
“...”
“Haha, no! Are you ready?”
“...”
“Good. My turn to start...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“!!!”
“Wait just a moment, Vinyl. You can't have that one: a king and a queen do not match.”
“..!”
“Yes, I know they marry each other-”
“...”
“-and both live in castles, b- do they though? Still, I mean? Must be rather draughty. Up to them, I suppose. But even so, that's still not a match, is it?”
“...”
“No, I would argue that the, ah, differences rather outweigh the similarities, and in Snap they have to be the same.”
“..!”
“Come on, Vi, don't be silly. You could just as easily argue that a seven and a five match, because they're both prime numbers, or something.”
“..?”
“You don't know what a prime number is? Honestly Vi, your schooling was deplorable. A prime number is a number that will only divide by itself and one.”
“..?”
“Yes, just two numbers, no more and no less. So for example, seven is a prime, because no other number except one will divide into it. If you imagine you had seven objects-”
“???”
“Vinyl! Really, that sort of talk is not necessary at the dinner table. Wait until later. But yes, supposing you had seven of... those, and you wanted to split them into equal groups, you couldn't, because no number will fit into seven.”
“..!”
“Yes, I know the things themselves may... fit into something else, but you can't divide the pile of things into more equal piles. It can't be done. If you had a different amount, say six, then you could divide them up easily, into two piles of three or three piles of two. So six is not a prime.”
“...”
“You understand? Good. But sadly, being prime is not enough to make cards match.”
“...”
“No, and neither is them both being royal. So I'm afraid I win those by default.”
“...”
“It is rather sad, isn't it. Ah well, I shall cope. Ready to begin?”
“...”
“Good-o!”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Snap! Aha, sorry Vinyl. I'm still winning! You thought you could take on me, didn't you? Alas, I am the queen of Snap. But this game isn't over yet, remember.”
“...”
“Yes. Your turn to start.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Snap! Sorry, Vi, I win again. Do you want to carry on, or shall we play something else?”
“..!”
“Righto, something else it is then! What did you have in mind?”
“...”
“Truth or dare? If you're sure... but I'll go first. Truth or dare?”
“...”
“Truth... let me see. Have you, or have you not, stolen at least three biscuits from the tin so far today?”
“..!”
“Come on, Vi. This was your idea! Own up!”
“...”
“Ha! I knew it.”
“..?”
“How did I know? I counted them last night, and also just before you came downstairs to play Snap. Can't get past old Octy! Eyes like hawks, the counting skills of a... of a fox that's really great at counting. Anyway, your turn!”
“...”
“Go on, I'll go for truth as well.”
“.., ..?”
“Vinyl! I'm shocked you should even ask such a thing.”
“...”
“Well, that is to say, not that it's... it's just that, having, y'know, considered all the angles, it was-”
“..!”
“Oh fine. Alright then, yes, I must admit to having partaken in that particular... activity. But you're not so innocent as you make out, y'know! I've heard you at night too, missie!”
“..!”
“Well, it's quits then. My turn! Truth or dare?”
“...”
“In that case, I dare you to eat three more biscuits from the tin, all at once.”
“...”
“No need to smirk, it's harder than it looks! Not that I'd've found that out from personal experience, of course. Go on, then!”
“..!”
“And Vinyl has accepted the challenge. The tin is being reached for. She's taking one, two- three biscuits out. But can Miss Scratch manage to break the standing record, of double eatage? She's prepar-”
“!!!”
“Sorry. Was I distracting you? Throwing you off, putting you out, making you leave the zone? I'll stop. But get on with it, the suspense is killing me!”
“...”
“The first biscuit is in, whole.”
“...”
“She's frowning at me, but can't ask me to stop without spewing crumbs everywhere. The second biscuit is entering the piehole of power. And now - yes! - the third, chocolatey, crunchsome biscuit is being imbibed!”
“..!”
“This beggars belief, dear viewers! Not one, not two, but three choc-chip biscuits being eaten simultaneously by Miss Scratch, the queen of unwholesome eating styles. But what's this? Is three just too much to handle? Can Miss Scr-”
“!!!”
“Oh! Vinyl! I've got crumbs all over me now! Ugh, they're even in my mane. Over the table, the floor, the chairs... well, viewers, that's that question answered. Three biscuits at the same time is too much, even for Vinyl's gargantuan north-and-south.”
“..!”
“Yes, it was at my instruction. I'm sorry, Vinyl. I trust you are alright?”
“...”
“Perhaps we'd better leave the biscuit-eating contest for another time. And I think we'd best clear up the remains of this attempt.”
“...”
“Heroic as it was, the mess won't clear itself up. Come on, Vi, you get the dustpan, and I'll get the cloth.”
“...”
“Yes. Very grown up, aren't we?”
“!!!”
The Sixth, in which an existential crisis is experienced
"What d'you want on your toast today? Maremalade, jam, maremite..?"
"..."
"Righto, jam it is. Y'know, I'm sure you'd learn to appreciate maremite if you'd just give it a fair shot. But it's your life you're throwing away, I suppose!"
"..!"
"What? Maremite is good stuff."
"..."
"Well, it's your choice. Or is it?"
"..?"
"Well, what if, for some reason, you actually really wanted maremite today? But an inner voice kept telling you that no, that's a bad idea, have jam instead? You might not notice it, and think that you were deciding for yourself, whereas really you weren't."
"..."
"Of course it seems unlikely! That just shows how good they are."
"..."
"No, no, think about it. What if free will is really an illusion, and we're actually all being manipulated by outside beings to suit their own ends? It's possible, you must admit."
"..."
"But that's the point! You could never know..."
"..?"
"Exactly. We could just be characters on a television programme, viewable fodder for the masses. This whole world could be nothing more than a giant set, a con, a fake, and the real world is always just over the horizon... how could you tell?"
"..!"
"You couldn't, that's how. You'd never know. We could be going about our lives as usual, thinking nothing of it, when really it's all being planned out from Above. That time you almost got run over by a taxi, but tripped away from the kerb at the last instant? All a set up. It wasn't good luck, you were meant to survive. But why...?"
"..."
"Yes! What if the only reason Nightmare Moon was defeated was because she was meant to be? What if something happens that they haven't planned for? We're still real, and real things sometimes go wrong, so what if they made a mistake in the programming?"
"..?"
"Oh no, you're right! How do we know we're real? What if this isn't even a TV show, but instead just the random ramblings of somebody's mind? We could be just flickers of electricity, informationless nothings being passed from neuron to neuron until the Being's train of thought shifts. We could be forgotten! Is that what death is? Being forgotten by the Being whose head we're inside?"
"..!"
"No, no, listen to me! How do we know that the Being's head is even real? How can we ever be certain that we exist at all! We can never know! Touch me, Vinyl. Touch my hoof."
"..."
"You felt that, didn't you? So did I. But what if you're not real, and the Programmers just made you do that? Or what if I'm not real, and you are, and the Programmers made me do that? How could you know!?"
"!!!"
"No! I won't calm down! It's a valid point! How can I ever be certain that I'm real? This could all be a dream, passing in a split second in the real world, but seemingly lasting for eternity in ours."
"..?"
"But what if this world is real? What if it's real, but only just came into being? Describe the view outside the window to me, Vi, without looking."
".., ..."
"And now look and see if you were right."
"..."
"Why were you right, d'you think? Is it because you've seen that view every day for the past five years, or is it because it's brand new, but it's been programmed inside your brain? You can never tell! The view could've been completely different yesterday, but you remember it like this because that's what They want you to think."
"..."
"Ha! Far-fetched is may seem, but that only proves how clever They are. They've already taken your mind, Vinyl. You won't believe me now, when I try to enlighten you, to make you see the light! But I'll not give in! They won't take my brain! Don't let them take me, Vi!!"
"..!"
"Aah! So you're in on it too! You're trying to take my brain away from me! Stop it, you Heathen! You meddler with other people's brains! But - but what if you're right? What if my brain isn't really mine? What if I'm simply a brain in a jar, sitting on a shelf in some science lab somewhere... do I have a right to my own brain? I think I'm sentient..."
"..."
"Does it matter? Does it matter? Does it matter... if I can't tell if I'm real or not, does it really matter? If I'm happy enough with my semblance of free will, does it matter if it's fake? If my mind is nothing more than some electrons in a laboratory, but I don't mind, does it matter? What if, should I ever find out, I would mind? Is it immoral if I might mind? What if it is, and what if I find out the truth? Is that wrong? But if I don't find out, and don't mind, and live out my fictional life as any fictional character would, does it matter?"
"..?"
"'Matter to who'? I think you'll find the correct phraseology is 'matter to whom'. But you're right... if I'm not real, then my thoughts don't count. Who decides whose thoughts count and whose don't? In this brain-in-jar scenario, who sets the morals that one must live by? Is it the scientist? Did he set our rules? Did we set out own rules, we connected brain-jars? Or did the scientist just use the rules that were already there in his own world?"
"..."
"It's an important question, Vi. Is murder always wrong? What if we only think it's wrong because that's what we're trained to think? What if, in the scientist's realm, murder is alright? Does that we're being conned in our brain-jar world?"
"..!"
"Don't worry, I'm not going to kill anyone! But is that because I think it's wrong, or because I've been trained to think that? Who sets the morals, ultimately? There must be someone out there, because we can't have evolved. If we evolved, then why do we care so much about murder? Surely, if the fittest survive and the weakest must die, then murder is a good thing? But we know it isn't, so that can't be the case... but if someone told us it was wrong, programmed our minds, and our parents' minds, and their parents' minds, ad infinitum, then that would make murder wrong by definition, because They created the morals to start with..."
"..."
"Yeah... deep. But don't worry, I know I exist."
"..?"
"Because of René Haycartes. He said cogito, ergo sum, or 'I think, therefore I am'. If I can think, there must exist something capable of thinking, which can only think if it exists. So even if we are just a couple of brain-jars, those brain-jars must exist."
"..!"
"Crazy but comforting? Yes, I think that sums it up. Sorry to go all existential on you there for a minute, but I needed to get that off my chest. I've been doing waaay too much thinking lately."
"..!"
"I know! Doesn't sound like me, does it? But you're always so much more chilled than I am, Vi. I need to be more like you."
"..."
"Aw, that's sweet! Thanks, Vi. Now, we should probably have some breakfast."
"..?"
"Yes! Of course you may! But make sure the spread it thinly, maremite can be rather intense if spread too thick."
"..."
"Yes, sorry about that. I was rather intense too for a bit. But there we go! I'm all better now."
"Because I need it. Vi, please just give it to me."
"..."
"Why? You're not using it!"
"..."
"That's not fair! Just because I had it yesterday is no reason for you to, to... to hog it today!"
"..!"
"Yes! Shots have been fired! I say you're being unreasonable."
"..?"
"You're being silly, and immature. Just give it to me, Vi."
"..."
"Agh, why can't you just- fine, I'll come over to you and get it myself."
"..."
"Yes, I will! See, I'm going to take it from you. If you won't just be reasonable and give it to me."
"..."
"Fine. I'm taking it."
"!!!"
"Oh, Vinyl! Don't throw it around, you'll break something! You know it's bad luck to crack a mirror. So don't risk it. Why throw it about, anyway? Now I've got to go all the way over there to get it."
"..!"
"Haha, very amusing, I'm sure."
"..."
"How old are you, Vi?"
"..."
"Hmm? What's that?"
"..!"
"Really? I could've sworn you were four, the way you carry on sometimes. Honestly, you wear me out. It's like looking after a baby goat."
"..?"
"Alright, a rather snuggly, lovable baby goat. But a baby goat all the same."
"..."
"Yes, it is! You remember the Weed-Hacker Incident? Hmm? Well, there you are, Vi."
"..!"
"It wasn't that long ago! It can only have been a year or so. There, now I've got it."
"..?"
"No, you can't have it back! I've got it now. Ha! So stuff you, goatsie."
"..."
"Oh, stop it, Vinyl! You weren't even using it!"
"..."
"Come on Vi, stop mucking around. There's only five minutes before our sh- I say, Vi, did you take the pie out of the oven?"
"..?"
"What d'you mean, 'what pie'? You know jolly well what I'm talking about. Fine, I'll get it then."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"There, it's done to a turn. There's nothing like a fresh apple pie of an evening. Good job I remembered it. I don't know what you'd do without me to look after you, you'd probably just eat hayburgers all the time, which is not a healthy way t- Vinyl!"
"..?"
"Where is it, Vi?"
"..?"
"Oh, you know full well what I'm talking about. Give it back to me, Vi."
"..."
"Vinyl..."
"..."
"Do we need to do this now, Vi? Do we, really? You know I don't find it amusing."
"..!"
"Oh! Well, it's good to know you care."
"..."
"Oh, stop it, you know I'm just messing. But seriously, Vi, where is it?"
"..!"
"Well, young lady, you're not getting any pie until you've told me. I shall eat you out o-"
"!!!"
"I was going to say that I'd 'eat you out of house and home', you dirty filly! Honestly, your mind is no cleaner than a particularly average ditch."
"..."
"Yes, well, there you go. I've said it now. And I'm still waiting, Vi."
"..?"
"For Celestia's sake, Vinyl, this is getting beyond a joke!"
"..?"
"No, I'm being serious. Just tell me where you've put it or I'll, I'll... well, let's just say you'll find me very 'unsympathetic' next time you're on heat."
"..!"
"In the jug, is it? Thank you! Honestly, I don't understand you sometimes. Quite why you get so clingy with the telly remote is entirely beyond me."
