Chapter 1
Royale With Cheese
By
Bill O’Reilly
“Spike! I’m going over to Rarity's to help her with her latest fashion designs; she needs me and Rainbow Dash to model for her.”
Spike was atop a ladder reorganizing books.
“Ok, sounds good Twilight.”
Said spike as he struggled to maintain his balance on the top rung and slid a book onto the shelf.
“No, no Spike! That book doesn’t go there, The Anarchists Cookbook goes in the “Mitt Romney” section! Honestly Spike!”
Spike sighed and reached to pull the book back out. Suddenly his foot slipped on the ladder, books sprawled to the floor as he franticly tried to grab hold to something and steady himself. As he fell to the floor his arms knocked into Twilights vinyl record collection on the top shelf.
As Spike hit the floor with a groan a record from the shelf landed next to him. The pristine black disk slipped from its sleeve and shattered on the floor.
“Spike! That was my favorite Motörhead album! That was a first edition do you have any Idea how rare that was, I never even played it! Why can’t you be more careful Spike!”
Spike stood up dusted himself off.
“Oh no she’s doing it again.”
“Owlowiscious! She’s off her meds again!”
Owlowiscious swiftly swooped down from Twilights room clutching a small bottle in his talons. He dropped the bottle and Spike hopped up and caught it. He struggled with the cap for a few seconds before it popped open and he spilled out two Prozac pills in his hands.
He forcefully stuffed them in Twilights yap and held her muzzle shut while rubbing her throat with his other hand until she swallowed.
“I was doing it again wasn’t I.”
“You sure were, like Nancy Grace when she can shut her big ugly mouth.”
“I’m sorry Spike.”
“It’s okay Twilight, me and Owlowiscious got your back.” He said smugly.
“Now you better get going or you’ll be late to Rarity's.”
“Your right Spike I better get going, thanks for being a good friend.”
“Hey Twilight can I come?”
“Of course you can’t. Stop by the record store later and buy me another copy of Overkill.”
She trotted out the door.
( . Y . )
“I just can’t thank you enough for coming over to model for me Twilight! You too Rainbow Dash, you both look absolutely darling in my latest designs!”
Rarity stepped back and looked over her work. Rainbow Dash was looking rather annoyed as she stood in Rarity’s ensemble that consisted of a pink Polo shirt with the collar popped and a backwards Celtics hat sitting on top of her mane.
“These are the dumbest designs you’ve ever made Rarity, what gives; you’re usually more creative that this. I look like some spoiled fratboy from Umass, Hey Twilight why don’t you go get me a Twisted Tea and I’ll dance a jig to Angel in the Centerfolds.”
“I’m afraid I have to agree with Dash on this one Rarity.”
Said Twilight looking equally annoyed in a black Northface sweater wrapped around her and an ugly looking Ugg boots on each hoof.
“Can we take them off now?”
“Oh come now Rainbow. You two just don’t understand fashion; Douche bag is soo in this season. And Twilight I must say you look absolutely ravishing dressed like a freshman slut from Boston College!” Smiled Rarity
“I Still don’t think you’re gonna be able to sell it.”
Dash said as she shook off the hat and began to tug at the stupid looking shirt in her teeth. Rarity just giggled sweetly.
“Oh Rainbow, ponies are stupid they’ll buy anything.”
Rarity waved of a hoof
“Alright Rarity we did what you asked us to do, now keep your end of the bargain.”
“Very well I suppose you two earned it. Ahem, Oh Sweetie Belle could you be a dear and go get my special box in my room, and remember don’t open it.”
Sweetie belle was sitting on the ground in the same room playing video pong.
“Sure Rarity!” Said Sweetie Belle always eager to help.
She hopped up and trotted upstairs to retrieve the special box. She retuned a few minutes with a fancy purple box that was ornately decorated with gemstones and gold inlay, it rested on her back as she walked up to the kitchen table where Rarity and her two friends were seated on the floor cushioned by pillows.
“Thank you Sweetie.” Said Rarity as she levitated the box onto the table in front of her.
“Hey Rarity was just thinking about your new design and maybe if you added ripped jeans and Crocks then maybe-“
“Sweetie please my designs are perfect the way they are, nopony would ever where Crocks anyway because they make your hooves stink.”
“AW God-damnit, you never let me help Rarity!”
“Sweetie Belle! I told you to never take the lords name in vain! No Sister of mine is going to Hell!”
“But Rarity I want to go to Hell!”
“Why in Gods name would you want to go to Hell?! That’s where the Jews are; you know they killed Jesus.”
“But Ozzy is going to be there!”
“Sweetie Belle that’s ridiculous! Everypony knows Ozzy will never die!”
Rarity levitates a rosary necklace that was hanging on the wall above the doorway to the kitchen and floats it in front of Sweetie Belle.
“Now go say 40 Hail Mary’s.”
“Aw Rarity do I have to.” Whined Sweetie Belle.
“If you don’t do it right now I’ll take your video pong away for a whole week!”
“No fair! I love video pong!”
“You know who else loved video pong? Jesus, too bad he was too busy dying for your sins to enjoy it.”
Rainbow Dash shot a look at Twilight and rolled her eyes
“Rarity, can we stay on track here?”
Sweetie walked off into the next room with the rosary in her mouth and a pouty look on her face.
“I’m Sorry Rainbow but this is a very strict Roman Catholic household and if Sweetie Belle wants to stay here she has to learn to accept Jesus Christ as her lord and savior.”
In the next room they could here Sweetie Belle mumbling Hail Mary’s.
“Now lets get down to business.”
Rarity turned back to her “Special” box on the table in front of her. Twilight smiled and clapped her fore hooves together and Rainbows ears perked and she licked her lips as her eyes glazed over.
Rarity opened the fancy purple box with her magic. Inside it’s velvet interior was a small mirror a straight razor with rosewood scales and a baggie of off-white powder. Next to that was a .25ACP Colt vest pocket pistol with a nickel finish and black pearl grips, a fine pistol for a lady. Rarity levitates the small mirror on the table and the bag of white powder next to it.
She levitates the silver and wood straight razor and dips it in the bag and dices up two lines of blow for herself on the mirror. She puts her snout down and huffs up one line at a time. She wipes some excess powder off her nose before pushing the mirror and bag to Twilight. She does the same as Rarity and sets herself up neat little lines of Ya-Ya and snorts them. She tilts her head back as the bitter mucus slowly drips from the back of her nose down her throat leaving an ammonia taste in her mouth.
“Wow Rarity that’s really good blow! Where did you get it?”
Asked Twilight as she passed the powder and mirror to an eagerly awaiting Rainbow Dash.
“Oh there’s this lovely Stallion I know from Manehattan, He can get me anything Twilight! Would you like some? It's the best on the east coast; it’s hardly been cut. How about a Cadillac would you like a new Cadillac Twilight?”
“If you could get me a highball that would be great! But I don’t think I have any need for a Cadillac, my brother had one and it kept throwing the timing belt. I think he bought a Maserati instead”
They both looked over to see Rainbow greedily snorting a fat line off the table. Rarity giggled.
“Rainbow my snow blind friend you really must slow down, you’re like a vacuum cleaner.” She said as she levitated the cocaine away from a wide-eyed Rainbow.
Rainbow looked over to Twilight and began to laugh.
“Hey Twilight you…you have a cocaine mustache!”
She said in-between laughs. Twilight crossed her eyes and noticed that she did in fact have a bit of white powder under her nostrils. She wiped it off with a hoof and licked it off, her mouth went numb.
“I think your nose is bleeding Dash.”
In the opposite room they could still hear Sweetie Belle mumbling her Hail Mary’s.
“I can’t hear you Sweetie Belle!”
Mocked Rarity as she scrapped up a few more lines on the table with the straight razor.
“Hail Mary, full of grace. Our Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus!”
Sweetie Bells voice picked up sounding very sarcastic.
“Great, now say it with out the attitude young lady!”
“Gahhhhh!”
Rainbow began to crack up again while Twilight started tapping her hoofs on the table while watching Rarity score up more blow.
“Let me get another line.” Said Rainbow.
“You’ve had enough darling, I’m not going to waste good crank.”
“Twilight! Twilight!”
“Is that Spike?”
Spike burst through the door of the Carousel Boutique clutching a letter in his hand.
“What is it spike I told you I was spending time with my friends today!”
“I just got an important message from Princess Celestia! She-Hey Rainbow Dash, why is you nose bleeding?”
“Let me see that.” Twilight snatched the letter up with her magic and looked it over.
“It looks like the Princess needs the Elements of Harmony at Canterlot Castle right away.”
“Twilight why are your eyes so red?”
Twilight didn’t answer but instead picks Spike up by the scruff of the neck with her magic and levitates him out the kitchen window and drops him in the bushes outside.
“Hey what gives Twilight!”
Twilight's magic slammed the kitchen window closed so Spike was no longer audible.
“We better round up the rest of our friends and get to the castle right away!”
Rarity levitated her tiny pocket pistol out of the box and charged it in mid air before tucking it back into her mane. As the three little ponies walked out the door Rarity stopped and turned around.
“Sweetie Belle I expect you to write scripture until I get back.”
“But Rarity Highlander is on!”
“You can watch Highlander after you write scripture! And I don’t want you hanging out with that heathen Scootaloo.”
With that Rarity turned up her nose up and trotted out after her friends slamming the door behind her. Sweetie Belle looked angry and stared at the Bible she was reading from at her hooves. She gave it a kick.
“Dumb Bible!” She shouted.
She walked over to Rarities Philco Predicta Television and began to watch Highlander anyway.
( . Y . )
“Alright girls, lets go get Pinkie Pie she’s the closest.”
Said Twilight steering a swaying Rainbow dash in the right direction.”
After a quick coked out jaunt through Ponyville Twilight and her friends arrived at Sugar Cube Corner. The bell rang as they entered the door. Pinkie was standing behind the counter flipping through the latest issue of Revolver Magazine looking kind of board.
“Hi Pinkie Pie me and Twilight went over to Rarity’s house to try her new fashion but it was awful and then we did a bunch of coke and then Sweetie Belle got in trouble for being a sinner and had to write scripture and then spike came and Twilight tossed him out the window and then we ran over here and I threw up on the way over and now we have to go see the princess!”
Dash rambled with a goofy grin on her face.
Pinkie looked confused at first but just smiled and giggled.
“Oh Dashie you’re such a silly filly, that’s why I love you, by the way your nose is bleeding you should probably have that looked at.”
“Hey Pinkie.” Said Twilight “Gee Sugar Cube Corner must not be doing very good business, there’s hardly any treats on the shelfs and the few that you do have out look real stale.”
“Actually Twilight business has never been better!”
The bell rang again as a grey mare with a blond mane strolled in.
“Well look, if it isn’t my favorite customer! Would you like your special muffin Derpy?”
Derpy just nodded her head with her tongue hanging out.
“Thirty, sixty or ninety?” Asked Pinkie
“Ninety!” said Derpy excitably.
“Oh my you must really want that “Special” muffin today.”
Pinkie Pie picked up a small capped orange bottle from under the counter. It had a white label on it that said “Prescribed to Ms. Cake: OxyContin 60mg.” Pinkie dumped out 4 yellow pills on the counter and stuffed them into a stale looking muffin and handed it over to Derpy.
“That’ll be ninety bits.”
Derpy dumped a large pile of bits on the counter from her saddlebags. Pinkie looked through the pile with wary eyes.
“You’re ten bits short Derpy.”
“Aw come on Pinkie Pie you know I’m good for it.”
“Derpy you silly filly you know I love to see my friends smile!”
Pinkie leaned in close in to Derpy. Suddenly she grabbed Derpy by the head in her hooves and brought her face down into the glass countertop leaving a smear of blood from her busted nose.
“But only if they have the money! Don’t come back until you have it all, learn the game!”
Derpy backed away quickly and bolted for the door but as she turned around she collided head first with the doorframe. She fell back and shook her head before tearing out the door, the bell ringing as the door flew open while the terrified junkie made a break for it.
“See Twilight Sugar Cube Corner is doing great business!”
“…Right” Twilight said.
“Anyway Pinkie the Princess needs us to come to Canterlot Castle right away she says It’s an emergency!”
“Gee Twilight I’d love to Sink The Pink with you but you know I’m under house arrest.”
Pinkie held up her right hoof and displayed a black bracelet with a blinking red LED light on it.
“As Princess Celestia’s own personal spin doctor I’m sure the Princess will forgive you for your less then indirect ways of moving your product if you come with us and help Equestria.”
“Well why didn’t you say so! Clemency is fine!”
Twilight broke the bracelet off with her magic; much to the delight of Pinkie. The four friends quickly ran out the door towards Fluttershy’s cottage.
( . Y . )
As the four galloped into Fluttershy’s Yard they found the little yellow pegasus tending to her victory garden.
“Hi-ya Fluttershy!”
Said Pinkie through her usual happy go lucky grin.
“Your garden is looking really pretty.”
“Thank you Pinkie, that means so much coming from my best friends.”
Said Fluttershy while peaking out from her long pink mane with an innocent smile.
“I’ve spent all day on it. I pulled weeds added fertilizer, offered the garden god a pint of virgin blood, picked vegetables and trimmed roses. All I need to do now is water it.”
“I’m way ahead of you Fluttershy!”
Rainbow Dash was hovering in the air holding a juicy looking dark raincloud in her front hooves.
“Oh thank you Rainbow that’s so kind of-…your nose it’s...”
Rainbow placed the cloud over the garden and spun around. She pulled back a rear leg and gave it a smart kick.
Rainbow must have kicked it a little too hard because instead of a nice shower the raincloud shot out a lightning bolt with a mean sounding crack. One of Fluttershy’s chickens was pecking and scratching about the garden. It was unfortunate enough to be in the exact spot where the lightning grounded. In a poof of feathers, the poor little animal was instantly fried to a crisp, it’s charred body lay on the ground.
Fluttershy’s mouth hung open as tears began to well in her eyes. Twilight gasped. Rainbow Dash peeked out from behind the faulty cloud looking ashamed with her ears back.
“Fluttershy I’m…I’m so sorry! It was an accident!”
“E…E…Elizabeak” she stuttered.
Fluttershy began to weep while Rarity tried to console her promising that she had connections in Heaven and could get Elizabeak a penthouse and pool access.
“We should burry it before she gets more upset.” Twilight whispered to Pinkie.
“Yeah, poor Fluttershy, she’s taking it really hard.”
Twilight levitated the chicken’s body up to burry it. In the back round a sniffling Fluttershy told a sorry looking Rainbow Dash that she forgave her. Pinkie Pie sniffed the air.
“Wait a minute Twilight.”
Pinkie sniffed the air again.
“Something smells really yummy…”
Pinkie Pie leaned closer to the charred chicken hanging in the air in Twilight’s magical grasp.
“Twilight this dead chicken smells really tasty!”
Pinkie Pie tore off a drumstick in her teeth. She chewed slowly at first but soon her eyes light up as she takes in the smoky flavor.
“What are you doing Pinkie!? That’s disgusting! If Fluttershy sees that she’ll never forgive you!”
“Relax Twilight, it’s not disgusting, it tastes just like chicken. Here try it.”
She shoves the rest of the drumstick into Twilights mouth. Twilight swatted her front hooves around protesting at first but soon a dreamy look took over her face as the crispy magic that was fried chicken overtook her.
“What are you doing to Elizabeak!?”
Fluttershy cried seeing Pinkie and Twilight standing around with mouthful’s of fried Elizabeak in their mouths.
“Calm down Fluttershy, Elizabeak wouldn’t want you to let her body go to waste, would she?”
Said Pinkie as she stuffed a piece of Elizabeak into Fluttershy’s mouth.
Fluttershy struggled just like Twilight at first but soon the crispy fried chicken made her drop her defenses. She chewed slowly at first; her eyes soon went wide and teary. It was the greatest thing she ever tasted.
“I’m a monster!” Sobbed Fluttershy with a mouthful of fried chicken.
( . Y . )
It hadn’t taken them long before they decided Rainbow should fry the rest of Fluttershy’s chickens.
All four Ponies lay on the ground half asleep with bellies full of fried chicken.
“That was the best meal I’ve had in a long time.”
Rainbow picked her teeth clean with a chicken bone and tossed it in a rather large pile next to them that consisted of stripped clean chicken bones and gristle. She went back to lying back with her rear legs crossed. Like Twilight and Pinkie next to her.
Rainbow pulled out a pack of Lucky Strikes from her mane and bit one off in her mouth
“Hey Twilight could you light this for me.”
Twilight lit up Dash’s cigarette with her horn.
“Let me get one of those Rainbow.”
“You’re always bumming off me Twilight, why don’t you ever buy your own pack.”
“You know I’m trying to quit Dash.”
“Yeah that’s what they all say.”
Rainbow Dash tossed the pack to Twilight.
Fluttershy just curled up in a ball and started shaking with a petrified look frozen on her face while nervously gnawing on a bare chicken bone.
“Oh No, we need to get going! We completely forgot about the Princess!”
Exclaimed Twilight with a cigarette hanging from her yap.
“Quick, let’s go get Applejack.”
Rarity nudged Fluttershy with her hoof.
“Fluttershy you don’t look so good dear. I think she’s going into shock.”
“She’ll be fine Rarity she’s just so overcome by how delicious chicken is.”
Twilight levitated Fluttershy onto Rarity’s back and they took off towards Sweet Apple Acres.
( . Y . )
Arriving at Sweet Apple Acres they found Applejack dragging a heavy mystery bundle in what looked like a white sheet that had been stained dark red.
“Hey Applejack!”
Yelled Rainbow hovering above a nervous looking earth pony.
“Ahh! Y’all startled me! Rainbow yer nose is bleeding.”
“Sorry A.J. but the Princess has requested us all at Canterlot Castle right away.”
Twilight looked down at the heavy bundle Applejack was pulling in her teeth.
“That sure looks heavy Applejack, what’s inside that sheet and why is it all red?”
“It’s just…just…table scraps! Yeah it’s table scraps and that’s ketchup and I was just about to feed it to the hogs.”
Applejacks muzzle scrunched up and her eyes darted back and fourth. Part of the red stained bundle came undone and a limp, bloody, green pony hoof flopped out.
“Hey what’s that Applejack.” Said Twilight pointing a hoof at it.
“It nothin’ Twi! Just table scraps and…chocolate milk!”
Applejack stuffed the hoof back in the makeshift sack and offered up an apprehensive grin.
Pinkie looked down at the red stained bundle and then back at Applejack.
“Is there something your not telling us, A.J.? Do the hills have eyes?”
“No Pinkie it’s jus’ table scraps! I don’t know what yer talkin’ about!”
“Well…okie dokie lokie!”
“Here, let me help you with that.”
Twilight used her magic to tie the bundle up tight like a trash bag and levitated it into the pigpen. The hungry pigs all scurried to the bundle and crowded it while ripping into it and devouring its contents. Applejack walked toward the pigpen with a satisfied smile and watched the crowd of hogs eating their fill.
“Well that takes care of that backstabbing garbage.”
“Backstabbing?” Inquired Twilight.
“Yeah garbage just like I said.”
Applejack turned her nose up and began to trot away, she turned once and looked back and smiled again.
“Yeah they got ‘em.” She said in a just barley audible whisper.
“Got who?”
“Never mind Twi, Hey what happened to Fluttershy anyhow?”
Her eyes now on an unconscious Fluttershy lying across Rarity’s back.
“Oh the poor dear just passed out from sheer bliss when she had some fried chicken.”
“Look A.J. I saved you some!”
Said Pinkie bouncing up and down holding up a drumstick.
“Hmm fried chicken, huh. It’s really that good?”
She took the drumstick from Pinkie and sat back on her haunches and took a bite.
“It’s not bad, something tells me Zecora would like this.”
“Oh my, who’s that?”
Rarity pointed to a figure approaching in the distance. All the ponies looked.
“Is that a Diamond Dog?”
Applejack put up frown
“Aw darnit! That’s not a Diamond Dog it just Dennis Rodman, he jus' won’t go away.”
“Yo Applejack let’s hang!”
Said Dennis Rodman as he approached the group of Ponies in a red Bulls jersey. Applejack just looked down annoyed and pawed at the ground with her hoof.
“I can’t now Dennis I’m busy.”
“What about tomorrow?”
“I’m busy then too.”
“What about the next day?”
“I’m busy then too.”
“What abou-“
“I don’t wanna to hang out with you Dennis Rodman!”
“I thought we were friends AppleJack.”
“I just said that so ya would leave me alone! I’m not yer friend and I never will be! Go away Dennis! No pony wants to play with you and no pony likes you!”
Dennis Rodman looked hurt as he slumped his shoulders and walked away with his head down.
“Where did he come from anyway?”
Asked Rainbow looking back at him.
“Yer guess is as good as mine, he probably crawled out of some rock from the Everfree Forest with the rest of the weird creatures.”
“Anyway Applejack, we have to get to Canterlot right away. Equestria is in danger!”
“Well shoot why didn’t ya say so Twi!”
They all set out toward Canterlot where Princess Celestia waited with dire news.
…To be continued.