Feelings Hidden and Locked Away
It had only been a little while since the Friendship Games took place where Sunset and the others met the other Twilight Sparkle. Things had been going pretty well for other Twilight as well. It did take the students and teachers some time to fully understand the differences between the two Twilights, but the people of CHS were getting there.
In fact, they were more than eager to get to know all about the Twilight Sparkle formerly from Crystal Prep. This was actually a very good thing for the new Twilight and allowed her to quickly make friends with others including Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash. As each day passed, human world Twilight was more and more confident in her decision to transfer to CHS and pretty much everyone who knew her felt the same way.
Sunset Shimmer on the other hand had mixed feelings about the whole thing. On one hand, she was happy to see human Twi being greeted so warmly by the others and how they got to know her instead of assuming she was just like Princess Twilight. On the other hand, Sunset felt this reception kind of further proved some of the things she had been thinking about since the beginning of her reformation after the real Twilight saved her.
The fiery haired girl made sure to smile and have fun with the others and she was genuinely proud of other Twilight’s progress. Still, she really needed to talk to someone about her feelings and she didn't think anyone from this world would work. There was only one person/pony she felt could actually help her.
Sunset sat down on a bench to the side of the school after classes ended and opened her shared dairy to Equestria and wrote in it.
Dear Twilight,
I really hope you are there this time, because there is something I need to talk to you about. If you aren’t, well just try to write back to me when you can. Hopefully you won’t have to worry about any time loop thingies this time :) . Either way, write back to me when you can please.
Love,
Your friend Sunset Shimmer
Sunset let out a sigh and stretched as she looked up to the sky. She knew it would probably be tonight when she got a response, because that was usually how long it took even when there weren’t time loops involved. The real Twilight was still a Princess after all and there might be some kind of time delay between their worlds.
As Sunset was about to stand up to head home, she was surprised the diary started to glow and feel warm. Sunset gave a smile as she felt the warmth coming from the book. It was much different than when Celestia wrote her in the past oddly enough. Sunset opened the diary and read the letter.
Dear Sunset,
Even though I know you don’t hold it against me, I am so sorry about the time loop thing. I am guessing you want to talk to me in person about whatever it is judging by your letter. I have time now if you have it as well. Are the others going to be there as well?
Love,
Your friend Twilight Sparkle Princess of Boredom Friendship
Sunset gave a chuckle at Twilight’s self-appointed "title". She knew Twilight was usually bored over there, but still had to hold court sessions, even if no one really came to her for much of anything. Sunset wasn’t surprised at all how even this simple letter made her feel a little better, but still she needed to talk with Twilight. She responded with a quick letter saying she would be waiting by the portal alone.
It was only a few minutes after she sent the letter, she found herself stood by the portal real Twilight would walk through. The second Sunset saw her she gave her a fierce hug. Twilight seemed a little caught off guard by the hug, but she soon returned it.
“I’m so happy to see you again, Twilight,” Sunset said not breaking the hug.
“I’m happy to see you as well, Sunset,” Twilight answered in reply.
As they held the hug a little longer, Sunset felt a little happier. Twilight felt happy, but also more concerned. The two finally broke their hug and gave each other a smile as Twilight asked, “I’m guessing you know of a place we can go to have our personal talk, right?”
Sunset nodded and grabbed Twilight’s hand and said, “Follow me. It isn’t too far from here. I don’t think anyone will bother us there. I don’t want anyone to over hear us.”
{-} {-} {-}
A few minutes later the two girls were in a grove of trees near the school, but still decently far enough away from it. After they made sure they had privacy, they sat down on the old bench there. “So what was it you wanted to talk about?” Twilight asked.
Sunset took in a breath and let it out to gather her thoughts before she turned to Twilight and asked in an almost pleading voice, “Can I go home?”
Twilight’s eyes widened a little and a smile almost tugged on her lips, but she realized there was something else going on here. If that was all, Sunset would have asked sooner than this she was sure. “I won’t answer that question until you tell me what is really going on here, Sunset,” Twilight said with full sincerity and concern.
“Further evidence to my thoughts,” Sunset thought to herself. Sunset gave Twilight a small smile and looked to the ground. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised you already know there is something else bothering me…”
Twilight placed a hand on Sunset’s shoulder in comfort and said quietly, “I'm your friend, Sunset.”
Sunset then looked to Twilight with a trembling lip and watery eyes as she asked, “Twilight. Am I a bad friend?”
Twilight looked even more concern when she said, “Why would you ask that? You are a good friend, Sunset. I’ve seen how you are with the others and I know you are from the letters we’ve exchanged.”
“Then maybe it’s this world…” Sunset said not hiding the pain in her voice.
Twilight gave her friend a hug and asked, “Sunset. What’s wrong?”
Sunset hugged Twilight back tightly as she started, “It’s just sometimes I still feel like I am just tolerated by the others, Twilight. It has become even more apparent lately with that other you around. I mean I know I did some horrible things in the past, but that was in the past. I’ve more than apologized enough to everyone else, but still it seems like they just put up with me more often than not.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to believe that,” Twilight said as the two of them broke off the hug and looked into each other’s eyes.
“Yes. I am,” Sunset said as she looked to her friend. She could tell Twilight was listening but needed more than that. Sunset sighed. “Remember when you came to help us with the sirens problem?”
Twilight nodded to this and looked to the side as she said, “I’m sorry I hesitated to take your hand when you wanted to help me stand up. I’m also sorry for what I said at the Ice cream place.”
Sunset gave a warm smile and shook her head. “You have already said that before and even wrote me a letter saying it once again. I know I kind of played it off as something I was used to, but I shouldn’t have needed to get used to that. I got used to it because Applejack and the others had let those slips happen a lot, despite how I proved time and time again I was different.”
Sunset then gave Twilight a sincere look as she said, “You actually had a reason to hesitate. You hadn’t really had the time to see my change for yourself and we weren’t keeping in touch at that time. Not to mention I was threatening your home. Also afterwards, you were more than friendly to me and we had that talk in the kitchen, which really helped me out.”
Twilight gave Sunset a momentary smile as she urged her to continue. Sunset sighed again, “It wasn’t just that though. It’s the fact even after I helped save the school twice. Everyone is still only sort of friendly to me. Sure Rainbow, Pinkie, Fluttershy, AJ and Rarity are a good bit friendlier, but I'm still always asked to hang out with them after everyone else has already shown up. I’m never really included in their plan making process either. It doesn’t always bother me, but sometimes it feels like I'm a bit of a chore to them or just a stand in for you.”
Sunset crossed her arms as she looked to the ground again. “Then there was the whole Anon-a-miss thing as well. That really didn’t help matters, especially because it happened after the siren incident.” Sunset closed her eyes as she tried to will away the pain she felt from that. She opened them again as she felt Twilight give her a tight hug once again.
“Sunset? Can you tell me about that incident again in full detail? I know it won’t be easy, but I will be here for you the whole time. I always felt you kind of downplayed how bad it actually was for you. I think you really need to talk about it.” Twilight spoke to the other girl in a warm and caring voice.
Sunset gave a nod and Twilight broke the hug to give her space, but didn’t stop holding Sunset's hand. “Well, I told you about how someone made a My Stable page and gave it a color scheme like my hair along with a close to me drawing where they spilled a lot of people's secrets. They also didn’t bother to take anything down, even when people pleaded them to do so and for good reason. They even managed to use things I was told privately and pictures I took with the others to make it look even more like me. Needless to say the whole school soon started blaming me for it.”
Sunset shook a little as she continued, “I'll admit I didn’t really talk much about how it hurt me to anyone including you. Fluttershy, Applejack, Rainbow, Pinkie, and Rarity all quickly blamed me for it as well. The first incident, with AJ’s old nickname, they acted like they believed me when I said I was innocent. But after the pictures from Rarity’s party, they blamed me for it even though I really had no idea what happened or how someone got a hold of them. I didn't even know they were somehow just my pictures. I even broke down in tears begging them to believe me and not to hate me!”
Twilight moved closer to Sunset and squeezed her hand in an offer of comfort Sunset gladly took. It did help, but only a little. “They believed I was the bad guy and made me feel like maybe I really was the bad guy some how. Fluttershy even cried and accused me of having only pretended to be their friend this whole time.”
Sunset gave a sniff and tears threatened to spill from her eyes. “Keep in mind this all happened after the Battle of the Bands. I could have taken it if it was just the rest of the school, but it was them as well. I saw them as my best friends and more, but still they wouldn’t even hear me out or try to help me to figure out what was going on. Even after the school started to actually pick on me and I sadly broke down in tears in the middle of the hall a couple of times, they still didn't seem to care about how I was feeling.”
Sunset couldn’t hold back the tears as they started to spill and Twilight again wrapped her in a hug. Sunset let her tears flow and sobbed because of how much it still hurt her even after all of this time. She had forgiven them more or less, but still it hurt so much that it all happened. She had thought she was over it maybe, but now she knew she wasn't.
As her sobs quieted down a little, Twilight was about to stop her from saying more. Sunset shook her head and continued. Twilight needed to hear it all. She needed to say it all. “In the end, we found out it was Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo who were behind it the whole time. They felt left out because their sisters didn’t invite them to the slumber parties as well and blamed me. They didn’t even bother to admit to it until they knew they were about to be caught anyways. Then they apologized specifically to the others, but Sweetie Belle was the only who bothered to apologize to me at all.”
Sunset sat back, her tears having momentarily ceased, as she looked down to the ground again. “No one else did though. I could understand the other students, but my friends didn't apologize for not believing me and accusing me of all they did. In the end, the Troublesome Trio got six months detention after they apologized to everyone else, but that was it. They were instantly forgiven and even got what they wanted in the end.”
Sunset felt a little angry about that. “It was almost like the others were saying it was bad they did what they did, but I deserved the treatment I received after their actions, so it was nothing more than just a little easily excused cry for attention. I of course forgave them as well, but it was mostly because I was relieved and still at some level felt I deserved what happened to me. I was still desperately trying to show how much I've changed."
Sunset took in a breath to let her feelings settle a little. "It also didn’t help that everyone still treats Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo all friendly now. It also didn't take long for them to get back to that level with everyone else either. Hay! Even other you is liked and treated more friendly than I am by everyone.”
Sunset then did something she had been doing a lot during this conversation. She sighed. “Maybe I am just jealous or something. I don’t know.” She then finally turned to Twilight again and was surprised what she saw in her friend’s eyes.
Twilight was actually angry and disappointed with her human friends. She stood up, the very air around her filled with power and emotion. Sunset looked to her a little concerned. “I can’t believe them! You should have told me that was what all happened, Sunset. I would have come and given them a hard lesson in friendship. That was horrible of them! I trusted them to be your friend since I couldn’t stay here. I felt they could do it too. I thought they had when I saw just how much you changed the last times I saw you here.”
The Princess of Friendship’s anger grew stronger along with the feeling of power. The scary part was Sunset could tell Twilight was in control of the power. It wasn’t just there raging out of control. “Now, it seems they have failed at that. Bad enough they let the Cutie Mark Crusaders off with ease, but on top of that they hurt you so much and didn’t even apologize?! Even Discord eventually had the courtesy to do that much.”
Sunset was a little panicked as she said, “Don’t worry about it, Twilight. It was in the past. And it wasn’t really that bad now that I think about it. Please calm down.” She felt deeply touched to see someone cared for her that much, but she didn’t want Twilight to do something that would cause problems. Twilight actually understood magic and could use it pretty well. She was hoping Twilight wouldn’t actually know how bad she felt and would just take her word for it that she was okay now.
Twilight looked to Sunset and calmed down. She then gave Sunset a tight hug and started to rub her friend’s back in comfort. Sunset’s eyes widened and her breath hitched in shock when she heard her friend’s next words. “Sunset. I know exactly what you feel like regarding the Anon-a-miss incident.”
“How?” Sunset asked in surprise and curiosity. She didn’t think the Princess of Friendship would know what it was like personally.
Twilight sat down and took in a deep breath before letting it out. “Remember how I told you about the Changeling invasion during my brother’s wedding?” Sunset nodded to this. “Well, I kept telling the others something was wrong with Cadance and they wouldn’t believe me. I had known Cadance my whole life pretty much. She was my foal sitter after all. I had also been through a whole lot with the others by that point as well. Yet they didn’t believe me at all.”
Twilight gave a sorrowful smile as she continued, “They even accused me of being jealous that I was losing my brother despite how I was actually happy until I saw Cadance again. When Fake Cadance ran out of the hall crying after I called her a liar, they pretty much almost ended our friendship. My brother even said he didn’t want me at the wedding at all. Celestia also made her disappointment in me very clear. I was left a complete mess crying on the floor after that. I felt like I was the worst pony ever to exist. I felt like maybe I really was the bad guy after all.”
It was Sunset’s turn to hug her friend tightly in comfort as Twilight continued. “So I went through something close enough that I know how you were feeling and to some extent still are feeling.”
Twilight then broke off the hug and a little bit of the anger returned, “However, you had it worse than me. I will admit now that I didn’t handle the situation the best I could have at the time. But unlike with you, Applejack apologized to me for the group and we had all been through enough by that time it could easily be understood her apology was enough to count for the whole group. You didn’t even get that kind of an apology from them. Sweetie Belle’s apology is barely enough for her actions alone, not for everyone else’s on top of that. Even then, the three of them should have gotten some kind of a punishment beyond just school detentions.”
Twilight then looked to Sunset and said, “To answer your first question, Sunset. You can return to Equestria. You can return whenever you want. You may have been banned from Canterlot Castle, but not Equestria as a whole. Hay, I'm even sure Celestia has long since lifted your ban from the castle. Besides, the portal mirror is in my castle and not Canterlot’s, so there won't be any problems.”
Sunset looked relieved and happy to hear that. She gave Twilight a big hug as the two of them smiled. “You have no idea how much that means to me. Twilight, thank you so much!”
Twilight continued the hug and said, “I can understand why you would want to return if you still feel the way you do even after all of this time here. Plus, I’m sure you have family who really misses you back home.”
Twilight then sat back and looked to Sunset seriously as she said with a frown. “I am sorry I failed you, Sunset. I thought the others would be able to help you. I thought you would want to stay here with them and they would be the friends you needed and wanted. That’s why I never bothered to actually ask if you wanted to return to Equestria or not. I really am sorry about that.”
Sunset gave a sniff as some happy tears leaked from her eyes. “That’s why I love you so much, Twilight. Even after everything that happened you still care deeply for me. You care for me in a way no one here ever will.”
Twilight felt warm inside as she gave Sunset a hug. “I love you too, Sunset,” she replied.
{-} {-} {-}
Once they broke off their hug again, they decided to go to the café near the school and talk about other things that weren’t as private. It wasn’t long until they placed their orders and Twilight spoke again, “I guess I should probably go on about how you should make things up with your friends here and all of that or to give them another chance, but honestly at this point after what you told me. I have to say it is entirely up to you what you do.”
Sunset sighed as she said, “I’m not sure what to do actually. I mean I partly want to clear the air, but at the same time I want to just leave it alone and not say something that might hurt them. There’s also that other you who I really don’t want to do anything to hurt. She has it good and I think she deserves that. She may have done something wrong by using that power, but she did so against her own wishes on the matter. She was forced into it by someone with authority. She did not us the power on purpose and didn't even partly know what she was getting herself into with it.”
Twilight looked over Sunset as she took a sip of her milkshake. She then said calmly to the fiery haired girl, “You know so long as your old diary stays here the portal can be opened on our end more or less on demand. Just a thought for you. That does of course mean she could read your previous entries if she wanted to. Knowing how I was and she is. I’m pretty sure she will be tempted to read them out of curiosity, but maybe if you ask her not to she won’t read them.”
Sunset thought about that as she sipped on her own milkshake. “I think I trust her enough not to read my past entries if I ask her nicely. Worst case scenario I’ll remind her that I did save her when she was overcome by the magic from her device. I don’t think it will come to that though.”
Twilight still looked over Sunset as if trying to read her. Sunset found it rather interesting how similar it was to when Celestia did the same in the past before she left Equestria. On the plus side, Twilight at least didn’t seem to be judging her or seeing her as a teacher would a student. Twilight was just trying to better understand someone she cared about and saw as a friend and equal more or less.
“Remember, you could stay here and tell them your feelings as well,” Twilight said as she held Sunset in her gaze.
Sunset gave a bit of a smirk as she said, “I thought you said you weren’t going to try and tell me what to do?”
Twilight blushed as she covered for herself, “I’m not… I’m making sure you're aware of all your options.” Twilight gave a smile and added, “I just want you to be actually happy, Sunset. Nothing more. Nothing less.”
Sunset gave an easy smile as she said, “I know Twilight and I really appreciate it.” She then took a sip. “I really do think going back home is for the best. They won’t have to worry about me and they can enjoy their lives. If something happens and they need either of our help, they will have the dairy to write us. I know Equestria has it’s own problems, but I still miss it. I miss that part of me that has been mostly gone the whole time. I think that was part of the reason I went crazy with magic like I did. It was like finally having some water after almost dying of thirst.”
Twilight reached across the table and grabbed Sunset’s hands and smiled at her. “If that is what you want. I fully support you, Sunset. You can even stay with me at my home until you figure something else out if you want to. I have the room. Just remember I’m also friends with Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie. You will be seeing them a lot and they are very similar.”
Sunset nodded to this. “I know. But in Equestria, friendship is more important than it is here. Honestly, after High school odds are the six of us would rarely if ever see each other again. Beyond that, only the strongest of friendships from before will survive college if you don’t all return back to the town where you all went to school together.”
Sunset looked down as she added, “I have no illusion we will stay good friends here. We might call and text or maybe have the occasional get together, but that will be about it. AJ will stay here because of the family business and all. Fluttershy might stay because it is familiar and you know how she is about almost everything. Rainbow won’t hang around, especially if she follows her dreams. Pinkie Pie has mentioned she wants to see more places and make more friends. Rarity will most likely end up moving somewhere more fashionable to follow her dreams as well.”
Sunset gave a little laugh as she added, “I have no idea what will happen with other you. But... I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up going to some top secret, off the grid science research center somewhere. She probably won’t have the time for keeping up with all of us even if she wants to. For better or for worse, things are much different in this world than Equestria.”
Twilight gave a nod of understanding. “It seems you know what you want to do. Now you just need to figure out how to handle it all. I can help you if you want. It is up to you.”
Sunset was in thought on that. Part of her wanted Twilight there for the emotional support. Another part of her wanted to do this on her own, so there would be no mistake she had made this decision herself. She knew the others cared about friendships, but they didn’t in the way she did.
Even if she had spent a few years in the human world, Sunset was still a pony deep inside. Now that she learned of friendship, it seemed as if it was a part of her. It wasn’t just something she enjoyed with others. It wasn’t something she could live without as they all “grew apart”. The others might be able to accept the distance as a fact of life and move on, but Sunset couldn’t.
Sunset looked at Twilight in thought as she sucked on her straw. Sunset wouldn’t be able to handle the further strain moving forward in the human world would have on her most important bond either. While she was a student, it was okay that she hung around the portal and wrote in a diary on the school grounds, but this was her Senior year of high school.
A couple of years in the future she would be seen as a stalker and maybe even arrested as a potential child abductor or something. She could sneak to the portal at night and such whenever she wanted to visit, but that would only be when she was in the area. It would also feel as if she had to be ashamed of her bond with the real Twilight Sparkle. “Don’t even talk about ever wanting to visit my family back in Equestria either,” Sunset thought to herself.
No. it didn’t matter. She may be in a human body, but she was and is a pony. The human world was never her home. It probably never really would be her home either. Equestria was her home. “That admission makes everything a little sadder… even if I feel relieved,” Sunset told herself. She now knew how to explain things to the others.
“I am going home. Equestria has always been my home, even after all of these years. I’ll graduate high school with them. I’ll cherish the good memories and I will put up with the bad until then,” Sunset said with determination in her voice.
She then blushed as she added, “I just might need to visit and talk with you a whole lot, Twilight. I hope you don’t mind. I might even be a bit of a wreck some of the time now that I feel like I can actually talk about things deep inside of me. I don't think I can just keep them hidden away anymore.”
Twilight gave Sunset a big smile and stood up to reach across the table to give her another hug which she really enjoyed. “That sounds like a good idea, Sunset. That will make things easier for you moving back as well. You can visit and get used to Equestria and everything again. Plus, you’ll have time to see if things really won’t change for the better here.”
Sunset gave a laugh of joy as she said, “I think you’re right about that. I hadn’t really thought about having to get used to things again. Last time I crossed I was completely focused on my foolish self-appointed mission.”
Twilight broke the hug with a smile as she said, “You know I could still give them that hard lesson in friendship. I really do want to do that. The only thing stopping me is the fact you told me to calm down. I already know which points and the flow of the lecture they need.”
Sunset gave a giggle. “As much as I would like to see that, the truth is they are pretty good at the friends’ thing for this world. This world just doesn’t have the standards Equestria does is all. I may not have cared much about such things back then, but even I knew how strong everyone there felt about friendship. So spare them your wrath this time, Twilight.”
Twilight gave a giggle and the two girls enjoyed their milkshakes and each other’s company for the rest of the day.