Your Eternity
There is a simple melancholy that touches this time of year, like hooves to lips when the librarians are telling you to be quiet. There used to be a boutique on this street- it wasn't much. I mean, it was grandiose. It was a boutique. But it wasn't much.
I used to come here when I was younger, much younger. A friend of mine used to own this place. Now it is nothing more than a shack, a husk of what once was there, this elegant place… Now a forgotten relic, abandoned in a time of textile and industry.
Now I only come here once in a long while to leave flowers in the garden, there’s an altar of sorts there. Something akin to a monument, a grave. I can only come here so often, as my duty as a princess fills my life with such constant annoyances. As though friendship could ever sanction my wrapping it around my schedule rather than the other way around- but it was work. I needed to do my duty. I figured Rarity wouldn't mind… Would she?
I'm telling this to you, and I hope you understand that it's not because I like you, and I don't find you interesting at all. Maybe if you know this you will go away and let me talk to this altar in peace, and find out that the hairline cracks in the altar are the cracks in my sanity. I will bleed everything honest, and you have no right to hear me.
Mayhaps, I am being selfish.
Actually, I'm not too worried about being selfish, or death, or what Rarity thinks. And the altar-flower thing was more of a habit than a prayer, more a meditation on the weak than fervent dousing of doubt in the fires of- whatever. What I'm saying is, I could have stopped going to this garden, and I wouldn't have minded. I could never deal with sadness that surrounds this place anyway. Yet here I am. But I didn't get to choose this time, did I? You chose for me Anon, you asked to see this place.
I guess you could say that this is just another stab of hurt in a 'pony well past caring' or is it ‘person well past caring’ for you? When ponies say that, I wonder what they're thinking. Seriously. Well past caring is a phrase only used by ponies who actually do care, really, much more than they want you to know. Or maybe, in a twisted way, they want you to know that they still care and use that pathetic little phrase to paper it over, so that you can peel it away and know their sorrows. Because that seems to be what ponies want, right? Resonance.
I still remember what they all said to me, when they were frail and decaying “Of course we will always be there for you Twilight, maybe not physically but we will be with you always. In here.” Fluttershy pressed her hoof against my heart. I wish I could still weep for them, but it’s pointless right? You can’t weep the dead back to life. Trust me, I’ve tried.
They say that friendships last a lifetime, but what happens when you live past that life time? Immortality is considered a gift, but without somepony to share it with it quickly becomes a curse, like living in a prison that nopony else can see. Isolated from the entire world, not physically but emotionally detached.
But I feel like you’re not hear to listen to this story are you? But that raises, the question, why are you here Anon? Did you come to pay your respect?
“I- Yes, I guess you could say that.”
And why would you do that, hmm? Is it social construct where you come from? Or perhaps you feel the need to pay your respect to all the dead?
“No, I. I just felt like I should be here, for you. Friends don’t let friends face sadness on their own. We’re friends, right?”
Its funny, you sound just like my brother… Yes I suppose we are friends.
“If we are friends, why do you keep me at a distance Twilight? Why are you afraid to open up to me? Why is it, that in the two years I’ve been here that I’ve never seen you cry.”
I already told you, you have no right to hear me. I am a princess I must never falter. I must remain stoic for my subjects.
“That’s bullshit Twilight. I know that you’re afraid, I know that you’re just afraid to show emotion because you're afraid to let anyone in.”
… Leave. I, I want you to leave. You have no right being here.
"Twilight, plea-"
I said, bucking leave!
“I… Still want to pay my respects.”
Well don’t bother! You never knew her, I just want you to leave! Are all humans this dumb or is it just a trait reserved for you?
...
“No, Twilight I am not going. Not now, not ever. I said I was here to pay my respects to Rarity but I am also here for you Twilight, I didn't come here just for her, for Rarity. I came here for you, I wanted- I hoped to see a glimpse at the Twilight that was here before she lost her friends. The one Luna told me about.”
Ha, she is still here, she just grew up. For Faust sakes Anon what did yo-
“Shut up! This isn't you Twilight, this, you are different, you may refuse to recognize it because you're afraid of being hurt again. But this isn't you.”
How would you know what I was like!? You weren’t there, and how dare you condescend me! You haven't lost what I have, you never had to watch your loved ones die in front of your eyes! To see them grow old and forget who you even are, to see them lying on their death beds, old and decrepit while you are still as spry as ever!
“You're right Twilight, I don’t know. I can't even begin to comprehend your grief, but if you let me in… I can share in the burden. Please Twi, just let me in.”
Why, why do you want to? Why do you even care?
“Because, because I am your friend Twilight, whether you want me to be or not. And because I love you. I’ve loved you from the first time I saw you. And I want you to love me back, and I want you to be my friend, but I know you're afraid, you're afraid to get attached because you're afraid that I’ll leave too. And I will Twilight, I will die. Just like all of your friends, but just because we leave doesn’t mean you should lock yourself away. Live life, accept the death, move on, but never forget the good memories you have shared. And always, always go out and make new ones.”
I… I…
“Shh, you don’t have to talk. Just let it out.”
~~~~~
Twilight slumped against the altar, back hunched to hide her face as she stared longingly at the earth. And for the first time in what seemed like ages, she cried, she wept for all she had lost and all she had given up on. But this time was different than those sessions of depression she had so long ago. You were there, you walked over and sat next to her. You never said a word, instead you pulled her close and let her cry. Hopefully, this is a step towards normalcy...
At least, that’s how you wish it would’ve happened. You wish you had the courage to tell her that. You know you should've stayed, you wish you had, even when she told you to leave you should've stayed. Nopony blames you for leaving. I mean, Twilight asked you to leave. But you blame yourself.
You come to this garden often now, at least twice a week. You maintain the garden and leave flowers on the monuments. Yellow lilies for Rarity, Twilight said that they were Rarity’s favorite. And roses on the other, even though she always said they were cliche, you knew she loved them.
“Goodbye Rarity… Goodbye…”
You still think back to that day, the day where you could’ve fixed everything but failed because you were to afraid to stay, you were afraid to push to hard. But it seems you didn’t push enough. You were about to leave until you saw that the second monuments plaque was covered by small vines. You knelt down to clean it off and read the inscription.
“Here lies Princess Twilight Sparkle, she lived for her subjects, but the burden was too high. May she find peace in the afterlife.”
You blame yourself for her suicide, but you never once wept. Like Twilight said, “You can’t weep the dead back to life.” You no longer live in Ponyville, Instead you moved back to Canterlot, at least there you felt welcome. There you don't feel the burden, there you don't constantly think of your own end...