Twilight becomes the victim of Equestria's latest shipping frenzy
Equestria has gone shipping crazy, and Princess Twilight is their lovely specimen. However, Twilight has become fed up with all the ridiculous accusations involving her fictional love life. Twilight wishes to put these shenanigans to an end, but what can she do to stop it?
Twilight's eye twitched in fury as she read the latest issue of the Ponyville express. She groaned and crumbled the paper into a tiny ball, then proceeded to toss said paper towards the corner of the room. The corner that was now teeming with balled up paper, various news papers or magazines from the past couple months. The purple princess face hoofed herself, then let out a deep agitated sigh. She massaged her temples slowly, trying to keep herself calm enough to not fly over to the printing press and blow a gaping hole in their roof with her righteous Alicorn magic, and then convince Celestia to banish the stallion in charge to the moon. The news lately was just story upon story of ludicrous accusations concerning Twilight's personal life. Of course when saying "personal", that means Equestria has gone on a mad shipping frenzy and wouldn't rest until they found out which lucky mare or colt would become the Princess's true love.
"THIS IS BULL!" Twilight yelled. More so to herself then anypony near her. Only there were ponies nearby, her close friends and her companion Spike. Fluttershy had flinched at Twilight's sudden outburst. Dash put a hoof on Twilight's shoulder in an effort to calm her down.
"Don't worry bout it Twilight. We know you and Mayor Mare aren't having an affair." Rainbow Dash snicked a bit at the end of that sentence. She tried her best to hide the smile sneaking its way on her face, but ultimately failed. Certainly not helping the situation. Mayor Mare had only been the newest edition to Princess Twilight Sparkle's list of possible love interests. Courtesy of the good citizens of Equestria. Why Mayor Mare? Well... some photographers had caught Twi shaking the Mayors hoof. Because of course if any two ponies so much as look as each other, it must be love!
"Oh, come on Twi!" Pinkie Smiled. "It's hardly the worse thing in the world." Pinkie ran and got a maginzine from the pile in the corner. The pink mare held it up for all to see. "Remember when they paired you with Trenderhoof? Celestia knows why they did that." Pinkie giggled. Of course Rarity hadn't been to thrilled to hear that Twilight and Trend where Equestria's new "it" couple. So naturally when reminded, Twilight was on the receiving end of an icy glare from the jealous fashionista.
"I don't care if it isn't the worst thing in the world!" Twilight yelled, "You know what would be a billion times better?.." Everyone exchanged somewhat concerned looks. "Not being shipped with everypony I make eye contact with!" Twilights rant was interrupted by a knock at the castle doors. Twilight angrily trotted towards the door.
She swung the door open with such power, StarSwirl himself would be intimidated by the beast on the other side of said door. "What!" Twilight shouted at the Pegasus at her front step.
"I'm sorry," apologized the mail mare. "Is this a bad time?" Derpy hooves was one of the nicest ponies around. Twilight knew anypony that would yell at such a pony was worthy of punishment. Twilight sighed, and shook her head.
"I'm sorry Ms. Hooves. I'm just not having a great day."
Derpy smiled her goofy smile. "Its ok Twilight, happens to all of us." Twilight did appreciate how Derpy always referred to her by name, and not princess. Twilight was never to found of being called by her title.
"Anyways," Derpy continued. "I've got some mail for you. Mostly junk. But you did get your weekly magazine."
Twilight nodded, "Thank you Ms. Hooves, and sorry again for shouting." Twilight said sheepishly. Twilight then got an idea. "Hang on just a second Ms. Hooves." Twilight teleported to the kitchen, grabbed something then teleported back. She smiled and handed Derpy an apology muffin. "Take this I insist." Derpy's smile took up half her face. She gratefully accepted the treat and bid Twilight goodbye. Twilight levitated her mail and made her way back to her friends.
Twilight placed her mail down and continued with her friends. "Well now Twi," Apple Jack smiled, "You ain't got nothing to worry bout. I'm sure this whole thing will blow over in no time." A small hopeful smile came to Twilights face.
"Yeah... yeah you're probably right." It was then that a small giggle came from Rainbow and Pinkie. The group turned to find them reading the magazine Twilight had just received.
"What's so funny?" asked Rarity.
"Nothing." Said the two giggling mares in perfect unison. Twilight took the magazine from them with her magic. "No wait!" Said Pinkie trying to hide her grin. But it was to late. Pinkie and Dash could do nothing but stand there trying to suppress their laughter. Everypony watched quietly as Twilight read the article.
Silence...
This silence did not last... "You've got to be bucking kidding!" Twilight shouted. Rarity covered Spikes ears.
"Twilight darling, language please." Twilight flung the article to the ground. Where the headline read; "Twilight Sparkle x Shining Armor... Could it be true?" While all in the room grew quiet in pure shock, Pinkie and Rainbow Dash were cracking up.
"Its not funny!" The princess snapped at the giggling mares. 'They're shipping me with Shining Armor now?!? He's my brother for pony sakes!?! Not only is he my brother, but he's my married brother!" Twilight wasn't having a great day. " Um... Twilight?" Interrupted Fluttershy. She pointed to the paragraph below where Twilight had just finished reading.
"I think they know he's your married brother. Twilight picked the magazine back up again and read aloud.
"The preppy purple Princess of friendship, is Twilight Sparkle making secret love with her dearest brother Shining Armor?" Twilight stopped reading... "Oh for the love of-..."
"Keep going." Rarity pressed. So with an exaggerated roll of the eyes Twilight continued.
"If not Shining Armor, then who? Could Princess Cadence and Twilight be keeping something from us? Updates on this royal love triangle will continue, however if these questions remain unanswered, the fastest pony alive, Rainbow Dash is always another option for the princess's love."... Once more the room grow silent. Eyes darting between Dash and Twilight, when finally Rarity shrugged.
"I'd ship it."
"Not helping!" Twilight sneered. Apple Jack snickered.
Twilight paced back and forth trying to think of a way to stop this madness. As Equestria's newest princess, of course the news ponies were all over her since her coronation. Interviewing her, questioning her, getting her opinion on current events, stuff like that. But then one day they just sort of stopped. Twilight figured it was because they had run out of things to write about. Things went on normally from then on out. Twilight no longer had a mob of photographers and journalists whenever she left her castle walls, thank Celestia. But now... they seem to have found something interesting to write. Ship Twilight, with, EVERYPONY. It was awful. Precisely why she felt she needed to put an end to the antics. But what could she do to stop it? She wracked her brain. Until... an idea occurred. A small light bulb went off in her mind. It was a logical plan. One that did have some chance of success. Of course there was no guarantee. It's very difficult to just make shippers stop. But she was determined.
"Spike!" Twilight called.
"Yes?" Spike answered.
"Take a letter, tell the princess I need a favor." Spike nodded. Twilight motioned for her friends to join her. They all exited the castle and made their way down the dirt roads of Ponyville.
A middle aged paper pony handed Twilight a news paper. Then turned to deliver the paper to somepony else. The headline read; "Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship, is she seeing a certain lord of chaos? Many speculate that their Princess could be kissing up on none other then Discord." Twilight groaned. Pinkie bounced up to Twilight and giggled.
"It's ok Twilight, we know you aren't getting all kissy wissy with Discord." Pinkie then hugged the frazzled mare in an effort to cheer her up. Twilight accepted the offer and hugged back. The hug was interrupted by some "awww's" from passerby, then Twilight turned to see to ponies with camera's running when they realized they'd been spotted. No doubt they caught the pink pony's loving embrace on camera. Twilight sighed.
"And you're sure this is something you feel comfortable doing?" Celestia asked.
"Absolutely" Twilight nodded.
"I don't know." Celestia frowned. "Lying to the public, it just seems... morally questionable. You'd be misleading countless citizens."
"Would it really be hurting anypony?" Rainbow Dash butted in.
Twilight had asked Spike to message the princess about needing a favor. Princess Twilight had put up with just about enough of this shipping nonsense. So naturally she planned to do something about it. She and the rest of her friends now standing at the foot of Celestia, begged her to help them carry out the plan. Twilight's friends didn't entirely see what the big deal was, they even found this whole ordeal a little funny, But Twilight clearly disapproved of the situation, and being her friends, they agreed to help her out.
"Perhaps not," sighed the ruling Alicorn. "But I still don't like the idea."
"If I may your highness," Rarity bowed. "Twilight very uncomfortable about the situation darling. Can you imagine, being accused of having a secret love life with everypony you know. Their shipping her with her own brother for heavens sakes."
Celestia thought about this for a second. She too had been subject to the ridiculous accusations broadcasted by the news. It seemed as if they enjoyed making their royalty look laughable. That and shining lights on their personal lives. She considered helping her faithful student. She was unsure until Pinkie spoke up.
"Well, I guess you don't have to help if you don't want to. But I figured that considering this very printing press has called you such degrading names, you would help Twilight for sure." Pinkie sighed, then gave a devious smile. "But I guess we'll see you later Sun butt."
Twilight gasped as Pinkie turned to leave. No one insults the princess! Pinkie giggled. "Later oh mighty god horse trollestia, talk to you soon."
All in the room turned to look at Celestia. Pinkie knew how much those articles had upset the princess. Calling her such foolish names. Celestia's face, once showing an unsure, rather concerned look. Now sported a determined frown. "Wait!" Celestia called.
Pinkie turned back around to face the white Alicorn. "I'll help." Celestia grinned.
Twilight smiled and hugged her ex mentor. "Thank you so much princess. All I need you to do is ask the biggest magazines and news papers to print my story, alright? But don't tell them who wrote it. I want it anonymous."
Celestia smiled. "Of course. I wish you the best of luck."
On their way out the door, Twilight turned to Pinkie. "How did you know that would work?"
The pink pony smiled. "I asked the author."
"Huh?.." Twilight furrowed a brow.
"Never you mind Twilight." Pinkie bounced up to Fluttershy to talk, leaving behind a very confused Twilight.
Twilight shook her head and continued walking. She was contemplating what she should write to deter the shippers from shipping. A difficult task, but not impossible. She had general idea about what to write, but was still working out the details. She bid her friends good bye, and made her way to her castle. Tomorrow, she would put all this to an end.
Right as she was about to enter her castle, and young colt stopped her. Somewhere between the ages ten and fifteen. "Hello princess Twilight," He greeted. "I just wanted to say that I think you and the Great and powerful Trixie would look GREAT together." He winked. "Alright, have a nice night."
Twilight rolled her eyes. Can't wait till tomorrow.
As Twilight tucked herself into bed she thought.
"Tomorrow... I'm putting an end to these shipping shenanigans."
Princess Twilight sat at her writing desk, very focused on what she was writing. Her goal was simple; STOP THE SHIPPERS! The sudden shipping frenzy had gone a tab bit out of control. To say it was starting to piss Twilight off would be a massive understatement. Twilight was far passed simple annoyance. The next pony to so much as mention her name in any romantic context was going to be receiving a back hoof to the snout. She looked down on her master piece. Soon this article would (hopefully) put an end to this whole ordeal. Twilight had been very careful about what was written. The article included a few facts about herself. Just some random trivia. One fact however, Twilight hoped would accomplish exactly what this article was intended to do. She tried not to put to much emphasis on this one fact, so as not to seem suspicions. Yet enough that maybe it would do the trick. Twilight sighed as she placed the article down. She got up to leave, but soon stopped herself. "Oh, gotta remember to title it." Twilight picked up a quill and wrote in bold letters near the top of the page. She headed it,
"I bet you don't know jack about the Princess of Friendship." She chuckled a bit at her brilliance, then Sub-headed it "Fun facts regarding Princess Twilight Sparkle."
Twilight grinned and put the paper down. She thought to herself, "Maybe I should drop this whole princess thing and start writing for the paper, this is magnificent!" Perhaps a little egotistic, but the Alicorn was quite proud of her work. Now to get this printed.
Twilight levitated the paper to her side, and tucked it underneath her wing. She then wrote Spike a note telling him where she was going and what she was doing. Twilight smiled then made her way out the castle entrance. "Time for justice." Twilight thought to herself with a smirk. Before going to Canterlot, she stopped by sugar cube corner. It was around eleven o'clock and Twilight had yet to have any breakfast. So a quick detour didn't sound like such a bad idea.
The ring of the bell rung as Twilight entered the local store of diabetes. Sugar cube corner truly did have just about anything made of, covered in, filled with, or involving sugar in any way shape or form. Twilight waited patiently at the counter for assistance. "Just a minute!" Came a very cheery voice from the kitchen. The Purple princess was then greeted by Poyville's resident baker, caterer, and party planner extraordinaire, Pinkie pie.
"Heyya Twi!" Pinkie smiled. "What can I get for you this wonderfully wonderful morning?" Twilight pondered this a bit. So many delicious treats to choose from.
"May I please get a lemon berry scone." Twilight's stomach growled ferociously, at this Twilight blushed and replied. "Make that two."
"Abso tutly lutly!" Pinkie giggled. "Hold on just a sec." Pinkie ducked down behind the counter and after a few moments of rummaging around pulled out a paper bag labeled "Sugar cube corned." She then reached into the display case and grabbed two mouth watering lemon berry scones. "That would be eight bits." Pinkie smiled.
Twilight paid the party pony appropriately and took her scones. Just as she was about to leave, she was stopped by her pink friend. "So what are you doing today? Its gonna be pretty boring up here for me." Pinkie shrugged "Not much to do today."
"I'm about to go hand in my article to Celestia so she can deal it out to some major news papers and magazines." Twilight now maintaining a bold posture and determined expression continued. "And maybe, just maybe... I can put an end to all this shipping madness."
Pinkie was not paying complete attention. But responded regardless. "Oh. Neat! Mind if I come with?"
"I don't see why not" Twilight shrugged. Pinkie Smiled and joined Twilight on her way to Canterlot. As they walked out of the bakery, in the distance a voice was heard.
"And you're sure this is what you want me to hand in?" Celestia questioned.
"Of course princess." Twilight nodded.
"Then I'll see to it this is in most every major paper and magazine." Celestia assured.
"Thank you your most royalest highness!" Pinkie bowed. "I'm sure Twi here is very grateful that you agreed to help."
Celestia chuckled. "It's nothing really. I simply wished to help Twilight in her time of need."
Twilight smiled. "And I can't thank you enough. But after you hand in this article I can take it from there."
Celestia smiled and nodded in understanding. "Well, I suppose I'll see you soon Twilight. I wish you luck."
Twilight grinned, then turned to leave. She motioned Pinkie to join her. She waved goodbye to the princess, and exited the castle.
Before leaving Pinkie too said her goodbyes. "See you later Sun butt!" Pinkie snickered and followed Twilight out the door.
Celestia was left alone, and her face once showing a regal like smile. Now had an annoyed frown plastered upon it. She grabbed the article and thought to herself. "Nopony calls me Sun butt!"
Twilight woke up the next day. She yawned adorably and scratched her head. Twilight's bed head was outraious. A complete hassle to deal with in the morning. She did however manage to tame the beast.... Eventually. Twilight went downstairs and ate breakfast, oatmeal and daisies, with orange juice on the side. Princess Twilight did her morning routine just like she would any other day. Only today wasn't any other day. Today was the day that Princess Twilight would be tasting sweet, sweet, victory.
Twilight peaked her head outside, and right there on her doorstep was the latest issue of the Ponyville express. And right there, was the headline that read; "I bet you don't know jack about the Princess of friendship. Fun facts regarding Princess Twilight Sparkle." Twilight chuckled at the sight of her wonderful heading. She picked it up and read it once more.
"I bet you didn't know jack about the Princess of Friendship."
Fun facts regarding Princess Twilight Sparkle
1. Princess Twilight's favorite food is hay fries
2. Princess Twilight was a hard core otaku as a filly
3. Princess Twilight's favorite book is "Equestrian world records for dummies." By: Ink hoof
4. Princess Twilight has been diagnosed with OCD
5. Twilight Sparkle is Asexual... meaning little to no attraction to any pony AT ALL...
And that was it. Twilight's plan. Now everypony would have no choice but to stop shipping her with everypony in Equestria. Why? Because there was little to no chance of it ever actually happening. Why? Because she's a bucking Asexual! THAT'S WHY! Of course this was not actually the case. In fact, Twilight was Bisexual. But if that cat were let out of the bag, that'd mean there would be near endless shipping opportunities. The madness would never end! But Twilight was pretty confident in her plan. I mean, what's the point of shipping two ponies that could never be together? It's foolish. Little did Twilight know... That is EXACTLY how shipping works...
But Twilight was very happy with herself for the time being. She thought she was finally victorious. Twilight let out a long, breath and thought to herself, "HA! take that shippers."
Twilight went through the rest of her day happy and relaxed. As she didn't receive any "awe's" From bystanders whenever she spoke to or looked at another pony. Victory was sweet. Twilight went to bed that night feeling very achieved. It had been quite some time since Twilight could talk to, or look at another pony without being instantly shipped. Twilight smiled. Then closed her eyes, for some much needed slumber.
Twilight woke up early the next morning to a knocking at her door. Having just woken up, her mane was a disaster, and she had yet to get ready for the day. Being to lazy to take care of the mane situation right then and there, that and not wanting to keep the anonymous pony at her door waiting for to long. Twilight just threw on a hat before opening the door.
Twilight was greeted by Derpy Hooves. Who once again had her mail.
"Hello Twilight." Derpy greeted. "How have you been lately?"
Twilight yawned. "Lately? I've been better. But I think I'm doing alright now."
"Well that's good." Derpy replied. She reached into her carrier bag and pulled something out. "I've got your weekly magazine. But that's about it." Derpy smiled and handed the new magazine to Twilight. "Not to much mail today."
"That's quite alright." Twilight grinned.
"Anyways..." Derpy said. "I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got a ton more mail to deliver. See you around Twilight." Derpy waved goodbye and flew off into the distance.
Twilight tucked the magazine under her wing and went to go make herself some coffee.
Twilight sat at her kitchen table, coffee near by. She sipped the hot beverage slowly as she picked up the magazine. Twilight loved nothing more then quiet, peaceful mornings such as this.
"..." Twilight grew very, very quiet. Her eyes grew wide. Her ear began to twitch. There, right at the top of the magazine, it read;
"Princess Twilight Sparkle, an Asexual?"
"Interviews with some if the purple Alicorns close friends revealed that Ms. Pinkamena Diane Pie has a sister who may also be Asexual. Could these two Asexual mares possibly work past their complications and find true love? Later updates on the mysterious and questionable relationship between the Princess of Friendship and Maud Pie are soon to come..."
Twilight couldn't believe what she was reading. She threw the Magazine against the wall in a very violent manner.
