Chapter
“I just wanted to, needed to… I can’t explain it. It’s like, everything culminated in one moment, and suddenly, I was deathly cold…” Her words trailed off and her eyes remained glued to the floor, unable to look at me.
I’ve dealt with a lot, but I’m not usually the one ponies come to when they’re dealing with inner turmoil. So, I didn’t know what to say. Too many things were coming to mind, too many questions, too many ideas, too many feelings boiling to the surface, ready to come out in shouts of terror, anger, confusion.
And, so I said nothing. I just looked at her, willing her to say something more. Explain something. Give me a sign. I wanted to plead with her, to ask why without worrying about the answer. But, she didn’t. She just continued to stare, yet some part of me really hoped that she could sense the pain in my eyes, that she could see the tears that hadn’t fallen.
Maybe she did, because then she looked up. “I… I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I-” I lifted a hoof, silencing her. Yes, I wanted more than anything to have her speak to me, to get answers, but I couldn’t let her say that.
“No, Scoots. It’s me who should be sorry. Even if you don’t really know about why you’re all screwed up, right now, it’s my duty to be the hero. You know? I’m supposed to look out for you. I’m not the best role model, but you already got a heart of gold, kiddo, so maybe I didn’t consider how hard it is for you.”
Her eyes finally met mine, and my armor cracked. They were red, puffy, but they seemed distant and scared, not really the sad I was expecting. “Rainbow,” she took a deep breath, “I’m not surprised that you didn’t realize that I wasn’t the totally normal, badass Scootaloo, the brave pony with the awesome moves, on a scooter, because I didn’t even know. I didn’t realize how deep my wounds were.”
Each word killed me, because my number one fan shouldn’t be sitting here, wondering why she’s not happy. This shouldn’t have happened. She shouldn’t have to have ever experienced that. I should’ve been there, caught her when she fell deeper into her own pit of sorrow. Yeah, I don’t always make the right choices, but I give a damn about her and so everything sucks.
She bowed her head, again, and sobbed. Tears racked her body, and I had no strength to help, no quick moves, or skills. But, I draped a hoof over her withers and tried to summon the energy to support her. The first step was to analyze the situation, to look at it all with a clear mind, something Twilight told me to do if times ever got tough. And, then I began to recall all that had transpired.
Scootaloo was beginning to scare me. The Rainbow Dash was beginning to get scared of a filly who’d only gotten her cutie mark a few years ago, that could just barely be called a young mare. She had no idea why she looked so confused, so sad. She’d already gotten her cutie mark, and those two idiots had long-since learned not to mess with her again, so what could have hurt her so?
I needed this to start faster, ‘cause the anticipation was driving me mad. I couldn’t stop thinking of horrible things that could’ve happened. You killed a pony. You somehow destroyed your relationship with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. You don’t think we’re spending enough time together and you’re afraid that I don’t love you. You ripped my signed poster of Spitfire.
I needed it to stop, so I spoke first. “What’s wrong? You can tell me anything. You know I’m willing to help, squirt. And, I’ll totally forgive you if you did something bad. The suspense is killing me.” I looked at her with all the love I could muster into a facial expression and hoped that she’d just spit it out, already.
“I can’t fly, Rainbow,” she near-whispered, “I just can’t.” I almost uttered a quick reply of, “Well I know that,” but it wasn’t the right time for that, and I waited for her to continue.
“Ever since I first saw you speeding through the air, I knew that I wanted to fly. I wanted to be just like you, the fastest pony alive. And, I used to tell myself that I was just developing slowly, that I’d get my flight in due time. But, everypony else was flying! I mean, even baby pegasi can fly!” She took a moment to calm herself down. I could tell that she had a lot more to say.
Disgruntled, she began again with, “It just only finally clicked that, Dash, I will never fly. Every doctor, every bully, every doubt has told me that. I’ve always heard it. But, I’ve never really accepted it. Until now, that is.
“I’d had a nightmare, one where I was flying, with you and we were soaring faster than I’d ever imagined, before. However, I couldn’t feel the wind in between my feathers, or rippling through my mane, because I’ve never really felt it, for myself. And, when the fake reality of my dream began to crumble, I fell, and you didn’t notice so I kept falling, and I was screaming and pumping my wings, but I couldn’t get myself high enough to get your attention.
“I woke up still screaming for you. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get back to bed, so I snuck out of the house and went to a cliff not too far from my house. I know you told me not to go there because it’s too dangerous, but I just had to go there. So, I brought myself to the very edge and looked down. The whole way there, I’d told myself that I would be able to fly across it, to the other side, one day. But, then, I remembered my dream. I remember falling.
“And, then I thought, ‘What would happen if I jumped, right now? Would I fly?’ A bigger part of me knew that I wouldn’t make it, that I would just be jumping to my death. And, then I realized something that terrified me more than jumping. In fact, jumping didn’t terrify me, at all. And, that’s what scared me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I almost wanted to jump, to stop existing. I thought about everything ponies had said to me. I thought about how much of a screw-up I was when I was foolishly trying to get my cutie mark, about how I hurt my friendships by wasting too much time trying to fly, instead of sleeping well and practicing properly.
“I wanted to jump, Rainbow. I really did. I just wanted to, needed to… I can’t explain it. It’s like, everything culminated in one moment, and suddenly, I was deathly cold…”
Scootaloo was looking at me now. I’d drifted off for too long. Despite the fact that I was ready to cry, myself, I couldn’t let her feel bad for me. “We can work through this. Maybe you’ll never fly, but there’s always that small glimmer of hope, that even for one glorious moment you’ll defy gravity and soar.
“Even if you can’t, you’re still awesome. You’re definitely, at least, 20% cooler than I am, Scoots. I’ll take you out flying, if you’re ever really down in the dumps, because even if your own wings aren’t doing the work, you can picture it and it’ll be like you’re really flying, out there, with me.
“You’re really great, on your scooter, so if you do need to use your wings, pump them as fast as you can on that scooter, and you may even get some good air time. Or, play with your friends, ‘cause you won’t be young forever and–excuse the cheesiness of what I’m about to say–hanging with them may make you feel like you’re walking on air. You don’t have to fly to be a kickass pegasus!
“I love you, Scoots. We’re all here for you, and we’ll do whatever it takes to make life worth living.”
For a moment, I feared that I’d upset her, somehow, because fresh tears began to fall and she was silent, but then she gave me broadest smile I’ve ever seen (and I mean the broadest; she totally blew Pinkie out of the park) and she threw herself at me and held me tight. I hugged her back, and sighed out of relief, happy that Scootaloo still adored me and didn’t think I was a total wuss.
Yes, I was still really really really scared and vowed to look after her, even more than I already did, yet I was tired of feeling so down in the dumps. I'd fly with her a million times if I had to, and tell her that she's amazing everyday, if it came to that, because she's worth it and I'd never forgive myself if she felt anything near that amount of sadness and self-doubt ever again. And, I knew that if I tried hard enough, and made sure everypony else was aware of her low self-esteem and underlying depression, she would be back to that brazen, fun loving pony I’m used to.
But, she wasn’t there yet, so I held her tight for as long as I could, and when she eventually fell asleep, in my forelegs, I hoped that she was dreaming only of loving friends, with her favorite pony by her side.