Hi! My name is Jordan, or it was, and now it's Gaige! I guess. Kinda? Yes! Anyway, cosplay, comicon, Merchant, Equestria! I have so many ideas running through my head now, and I can't wait to share them with my new neigh-bors!
I used to be calm, quiet, and reasonably polite. Now, my mind runs around at five hundred miles an hour and spits out whatever crosses it without regard. I mean, I wouldn't trade my newfound inteligence for anything. Used to be I'd look at a standard combustion engine and all I'd do would be to scratch my head in confusion.
Now I'd take one look and be able to rattle off three thousand different ways to improve it. And only half of them would result in it exploding! Isn't that nice?
So why don't the Princesses seem to like me? I'm just trying to make their little ponies lives that much better... Albeit with the occasional cannabilistic waffle iron. I'll be honest, I should have just made them with solar panels, but all you have to do to repel them is get some maple syrup, it's not like it's THAT big of a deal.
Gears clicked, oil hissed and popped, and metal clanged to fill the cavernous space. The stench of electricity and chemicals permeated the workshop, confined by its underground nature. Here and there the clattering of its inhabitant could be heard rifling through bins of parts, searching for her supplies. Its voluptuous, radiant mechanical genius.
Me!~
Okay so I wasn't exactly radiant at the moment, covered in blackened grease and soot. I still have a figure that could kill on all its own, and no one could ever hope to compare to my intellect. Well they could compare, they just wouldn't match up.
I picked up a spanner, and threw it up to Deathtrap to hold while I found a three quarters wrench. He barely managed to grab it, I really should work on giving him some malleable mitts.
I returned to my workbench, and worked to tighten the arm to the... other part. Whatever it was called.
It was in my concentration I didn't notice a train of visitors entering my workshop. And they didn't even put on the safety booties and face masks, how rude can you get? Tromping dirt and all manners of other stuff all over my lab. That's how explosions happen. Okay, so often the explosions are my fault, but I'm sure tracking dirt in could do that too. Especially the exploding dirt right outside my lab.
What? Where else was I supposed to put it?
So anyway, I didn't even notice I was surrounded, my lab filled to the brim with Unicorn and Pegasi until their leader let out a sharp bark of a command.
"Gaige the Mechromancer, you are under arrest!" he shouted, distracting me from my experiment.
"Excuse me, do you mind?" I asked testily. "I'm kinda in the middle of something here, do you think you could come back in like, ten minutes or something?" I waved a hand dismissively, returning to my patient.
"Okay, so I'm going to start connecting the nerve endings, and if it doesn't immediately explode you will still be in a LOT of pain for a few seconds," I assured my patient, a middle aged minotaur who's left arm had been chewed off by some sort of large cat. He had told me in detail what had happened, but I lost interest in his mouth noises after 'lost my arm'. Everything after that point was inconsequential, after all.
"Wait, what?" he asked, along with a few of the guards around me.
I gave another crank, and attached his new arm to the socket. He nearly jackknifed backwards, for a second I thought he broke his back with his spasms. I'd just fix that if that happened, but oh well. His screams of anguish did exactly what I needed them to, distracting those around me as I typed into the liquid steel keyboard on my own mechanical arm. I sent commands to all the compression generators within my lab. With a sharp whine that nearly drowned out my patients cries of pain, everything in my lab dissolved into particles of light.
Well, that's what it looked like to all those present anyway. I could explain in detail, but I'm sure your feeble minds would explode into gooey grey eeeeuuuuck, and slide out your ear holes. I'll just give you the cliff-notes. Machine, parts and other stuff biiiiig. Big stuff hard to move. Generators make small. Go in arm. Safekeeping. Make so nosy ponies don't steal my stuff.
Get it?
All that was left was the table the Minotaur was lying on, and the entire garrison it seems they dragged out to corner my ass.
"Where'd everything go?!" the captain yelped, " What did you do with it? Bring it back, all of your belongings are to be confiscated, for the safety of the nation!" He commanded, trying to regain his composure.
"Uh..." I trailed off, amazed at the stupidity of this certain pony. "No? I don't want you to take my stuff. So why would I bring it back? Hellooo~, duh."
"Bring them back!"
"No!"
"Do it!"
"Nope!"
"I order you to!"
"Don't tell me what to do, bitch!" I yelled out in an exaggerated tone. "Anyway... Manny, right?"
"Actually it's Oscival the-" The minotaur started, cutting off as I interrupted his unimportant ramblings.
"Manny the Minotaur, just as I said, anyway, the new arm, it didn't explode! ~Yay~" he cringed as I mentioned this. I already told him about that, right? Seriously. "So give it a couple flexes, try out the movement. It should work fine."
Manny waved his new arm around, the light glinting in the glow of the light crystals embedded in the ceiling.
"It seems to be okay..."
"Awesome! So it runs off of a Newtonian positron collider, so it will last longer than you will. By a few thousand years. Keep it in your family after your death if you want, bury it, donate it to a museum, I don't really care. And you-" I stalked over to the offending pony barking out orders like he owned the place. "Who died and made you the boss of me? Why are you trespassing? This is private property I'll have you know!"
He wasn't fazed in the slightest, getting right up in my face and letting out a sharp breath. Oooooh, it smelled like cranberries and musk! God, I haven't been laid in a while. Once I got the Pounder -title pending, I also am particular to the Penetrator- working, all my worries would be put to ease~
Of course, I'd never get any if they locked me up.
"It is private property!" he agreed, although somehow I could tell he wasn't really agreeing with me. "This land, and the ground underneath it, belongs to the nation of Equestria! You do not hold any ownership over these premises, and once more you are under arrest!"
"Under what charges?" I said flippantly.
"Disturbing the peace, thirty seven counts of public destruction, kidnapping a diplomat, unlicensed acts of development and surgery, urinating in a public water source, sexually assaulting Prince Blueblood and insulting him with the title of 'blueballs' ," a hearty snicker ran through the ranks, I wasn't very fond of that night, thinking about it just made me ache and feel disappointed, "Impersonating a member of the royal guard, filling the Princesses pool with dead fish, doodling in the books of the royal library, covering a member of the guard in tree sap-"
"Oh, you're not still mad about that are you Shiny? I just made you shinier!" I exclaimed happily.
Shining Armor was not amused, and let out a low growl, "And the princesses favorite," his voice dipped down to a whisper, "Cannibalistic waffle irons."
"Oh come on, that was just a design flaw! How was I supposed to know they'd start attacking other machines for power? I didn't make them like that!"
"That somehow makes it even worse!" he retorted cutely. "You endangered the citizens of Equestria without a single thought! You're a menace, and you need to be stopped!"
Well that wasn't gonna happen. Nope, no how no way.
"Well then copper, ya got me!" I crowed, holding my hands out in front of me. "Yer not gonna kill me are ya mastah? Not gonna ship me off to an island, not gonna lock me's up's and's forget's where ya done put the keys?" I asked, my smile never leaving my face.
"Not exactly," He said cryptically, charging a spell to his horn and zapping my robotic arm. To my surprise, all systems went dead! What a cheeky little turd! They levitated a harness, and used it to fasten my other arm around my waist. Was gonna have to look into whatever they used on my arm, it wasn't electricity. Couldn't have that happening again. I could feel it buzzing though, the intricate circuitry working hard to reboot itself. I'd give it five, ten minutes.
I got walked outside, and shoved inside a cage. Moments later I felt myself going airborne, they must have had a couple Pegasi attached to the front. Stupid equines, didn't they read any of the designs or blueprints I sent them? If they had one of my external polarity and g-dampener engines attached to this thing, we would have been there in minutes! This way... we'd be lucky to get there in under three hours.
I'd actually measured before, if the wind stayed prevalent, we'd arrive precisely three hours and twenty seven minutes from now. If we didn't slow down. Which seeing as we had an organic engine, was inevitable. Idiots, why did they have to keep looking a gift horse in the mouth?
Heh. Ponies, gift horse. Ha.
I spent my time wisely, waiting for my arm to boot up after a few minutes. I cut off the ridiculous harness, and set about analyzing what the hell he had hit me with. Turns out he shorted me out with a feedback mmenmonic pulse. I had my nanites build a sound shield, so that I could cancel it out next time. It increased my arms weight by fifteen grams. I'd have to find a more quality material for my little buggies to use than the iron bars of the cage.
I could worry about that later though. I booted up a game of solitaire to pass the time, sending the image over my optic implants so they wouldn't see the flickering light of a hologram.. Nothing worse than being interrupted from a game. And interrupt they would. Some people just have no manners.
I quickly grew bored of such a stereotypical game, and moved onto a homemade first person shooter. I'd designed it after Doom, but with the aesthetic of Equestria. You fought shadow creatures instead of demons, humans, or otherwise. And my favorite part, I had made all the weapons extremely goofy. A water pistol, candy sourball, a disembodied hand, a wet blanket, and for the BFG I took a note out of yet another game. A unicorn, farting a rainbow. Of course I made the unicorn look like Celestia. Animating the pained expressions had been fun.
What? If a breakfast cereal can rip off Doom, why can't I?
I was almost to the third to last boss -a squid made out of shadows, I was especially happy with how this fight turned out. The boss was the center of the arena, and you ran to the left or right around the circle track to avoid the nearly shmup level of shadow orbs it pumped out.- when the cage landed with a arm shaking thud. The tremor steered me directly into a shadowy projectile, killing me. How rude, couldn't they have given me a little warning?
"You... when did you?" Shining Armor sputtered, looking at me through the bars. Apparently he didn't take well to my dissembling the leather harness. He eyed my arm, and tried zapping it again through the bars. His eyes nearly bugged out when nothing happened, and his face developed a frown as I waved at him. "Fine, you can just stay in there, you don't need to be out of it for this anyway."
I shut down my game, returning my eyes to normal. I looked outside of the temporary metal cage they thought could actually hold me. Oh hey, there was Luna, and Celestia! I waved at them excitably, but they averted their gazes. Awww, spoilsports. There was also a number of normal guardies, and... Oh hey! It was the main six! Cool, was Celly gonna try to get Fluttershy to reform me? Awesome! I could build her an automatic feeder-trap to help her feed animals and stuff, and then she'd tell ol' sunbutt I was all better and then they'd leave me alone for a while! Sounded like a plan!
"Jordan Gaige, The Mechromancer," the Supreme Tallest stated. Oooooh~, first/real name basis, that meant she was steeeeeeeeeaaaaamed. "I am truly sorry to have to do this. For your crimes against Equestria, I'm afraid we will have to take measures against you."
And heeeeeeeeeeeeeere came the part where she informed me about my... 'house arrest'.
"Ordinarily, I would have simply suggested enforced living habitation with my little ponies, to encourage a harmonious attitude."
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!~
"But I cannot risk the safety of my little ponies." She let out a low sigh, "I can't even depend on Discord to keep you in line, his words were, and I quote, 'keep that crazy mare away from me'. So I'm afraid we will have to discipline you to the furthest of our abilities."
Wait, she couldn't mean...
"Girls... you may proceed when ready," she informed them ,and they all got into formation. Far too late, I realized they were all adorned with their Ultimate Fuck You weapons, the overpowered bullshit super jewels, the Elements of Harmony.
No! I couldn't go out like this! I didn't wanna be a bird poop receptacle for a thousand years!
"Wait! No!Don't do this! I'll be good! I'll take up knitting! Something safe, I swear!" I belted out.
"It's too late buster!" Rainbow Dash yelled, all six of the elements burned bright, the light turning white.
It came to a head, and a giant rainbow raced towards me. I stupidly closed my eyes -I was going to be turned into a STATUE for crissakes, can you think of anything worse than being trapped, unable to move, unable to SEE for any given amount of time?- and cringed as the Orbital Beam of Harmony washed over me.
I could feel the energy in my body, I could feel as my arm burned and twitched, I could feel as... nothing happened?
I opened my eyes, carefully patting myself down to make sure nothing was stony. Had it already been a thousand years? Was I trapped for centuries and I hadn't even known? Looking around, I could see... literally nothing had changed. I was still in a cage, there were still a bunch of guards in the exact same positions they were before, along with the princesses and the element bearers.
Everyone was silent, until I broke that by shouting at the top of my lungs.
"Booyah! Take that Tia! Turns out I'm too harmonious for them to work on me! Suck it!"
"But... but... she's... her!" Rainbow Dash belted out, pointing at me with a horrified look on her face.
"I... never could have foreseen this turn of events..." Celestia said sadly. "Shining Armor... take her to the dungeons. We will... deliberate on a future course of action."
Without further aplomb, I was airborne once more, and within the hour I was in a cell
The hapless guard mentally recoiled, wanting nothing more than to be... anywhere else at this given point in time. Anything would be better than being stared down by one of the the captains of the guard, attempting to explain why and how the only prisoner that had imprisoned in the dungeon for over seven hundred years managed to escape not only without a trace, but in less than an HOUR.
"She's... she's gone."
"I realize that," Captain Shining Armor retorted testily, "tell me how."
Split Streak swallowed an icy wad of spit, trying to compose himself. He knew he'd be lucky to get off easy with latrine duty for the rest of the year.
"It... like I told my sergeant, the prisoner was deposited in her cell, and less than ten minutes later I heard a tremendous explosion. It shook the entire place, spilled my coffee all over me!" Split Streak made sure to point at his breastplate still stained brown, any sympathy points he could garner would most likely lead to a less harsh punishment upon himself.
"After I made sure everything was alright topside, I hurried down to check on the prisoner. And... well..."
Shining Armor knew exactly what the guard had seen upon descending the stairs. A giant hole in the wall of the prisoners cell leading to the outside, all the magical wards and charms and other defenses torn through like tissue paper. Oddly enough, the damage seemed to have been done from the outside, which was impossible.
Even if she had been able to sneak one of her automatons big enough to cause the damage present into the city unseen, there was no way anything from the outside could have broken into the cell.
The walls themselves were designed and enchanted to deflect and absorb all kinetic energy, recycling it to strengthen the walls and the magic seals. So it was supposed to be impossible.
Shining Armor let out a harried sigh, "Very well, that will be all. Return to your post and wait for further orders."
"Yes sir!"
Shining Armor let out another low sigh, dreading the literal tidal wave of paper work he was going to have to slog through now. Even when she wasn't here, that blasted human was making a mess of things for him. He had been almost relieved when the Princess banished her from ever stepping a hoof in Canterlot after the waffle iron incident, and they were still finding the blasted breakfast makers, wandering around throughout the city. They were easily enough warded off if you just kept a jar of syrup in a saddlebag, but a majority of the Canterlot elite found themselves above... carrying things.
Maple syrup shouldn't be something you equip every guard with, he lamented.
There hadn't been any evidence remaining at the cell, besides crumbled portions of the cell itself. And that's mainly what was so worrying. There should have been damaged spellwork, still clinging to the walls. But its like somepony had simply come in, undone everything in under a minute, dissolved the framework, returned all ambient magic to a balance and then broke her out. Which of course was again, impossible.
Celestia herself had constructed the cell, in anticipation of Nightmare Moon. If the element bearers -Shining armor got a momentary pang of loneliness, he really had to start writing letters to his sister more often,- had proven unsuccessful, Celestia would have had an elite group of guards lead the parasitic Princess into a trap, effectively nullifying her abilities.
Shining Armor sighed once more to himself, opening the door to his office and trudging along the halls towards the throne room. Whatever trepidation the lowly private had show towards him during his interrogation, he would be feeling double knowing he had to report that not only had Gaige escaped a seemingly airtight prison cell, and not only that she had apparently done so effortlessly without leaving behind the slightest clue as to how she had done so, there was also the most humiliating bit of information about this event.
Nopony had seen even a single thing. Oh, there was a couple reports of civvies claiming to have seen an explosion, but nothing more than that. Not what caused the explosion, or how it was caused. Besides that, nopony had the slightest idea something was wrong. You'd think that a five foot bipedal creature with its mammaries on its chest would have been easy enough to track through a city of... admittedly less than tolerant ponies.
He reached the dreaded gateway, its large door already flung open to deal with the influx of guards reporting in to the princess.
"Shining Armor!" Shining Armor almost skipped a beat, so overjoyed had the Princesses voice seemed at the sight of him. She probably thought he brought new information, and now it was his duty to disappoint her of such a notion. "Please, tell me you've learned something new."
"I... Sadly, no. Its precisely as it was first reported. The cell was destroyed, and the Mechromancer has yet to be spotted. I hesitate to refer to this as her 'vanishing without a trace'," he winced as Princess Celestia's brows furrowed in worry, but continued all the same, "But if ever there's been a case for it, this would be pretty darn close. Nopony has the slightest clue how she escaped, nopony saw anything, and for some reason the none of the tracking spells can even so much as give a vague direction."
Shining armor continued as his Princesses face fell further and further from its previous expression of jovial relief, causing him to stumble over his words a few times as he tried to think of ways he could soften the blow.
"...Very well," Celestia started, shaking him out of his reverie, "Put the entire guard on high alert. Have them search the city, we need to check every last nook and cranny she could have possibly wormed herself away in. And above all, reassure the citizens of Canterlot that this is simply a way they can help their princess, we don't want any unwarranted unrest-"
A loud crash of broken glass echoed throughout the room, as a black disk shaped blob of metal descended through a destroyed window. Shining Armor immediately put himself between the Princess and the automaton, erecting a shield, and then folding the shield in on itself trice to further its defensive properties. Not even his wife could break through this now, a perfect defense for his Princess.
Oddly enough the device didn't... attack. It hovered there in the middle of the room, seeming to goad the surrounding guards into preparation, as if to say 'go ahead, it won't matter'. Finally over twenty guards stood at the ready, more than a few over zealous ones erecting their own shields between the device and Princess Celestia.
"Gaige," she hissed, the sound a choked whisper through her lips, "What are you up to now?"
"VOICE PRINT RECOGNIZED, RECIPIENT LOCATED," buzzed out of the device, shocking those present with its alien inflections, and scarily enough, fake sounding voice. "PROCEEDING WITH MESSAGE."
Celestia shook her head, a single time to dislodge any potential cobwebs that may have somehow gotten lodged between her ears. This... thing was going to deliver a message? She would almost welcome Gaige having come to deliver it in person, this things voice was grating and painful beyond what she had ever experienced from another living being before. Why couldn't she have simply sent a letter if she wanted to get a message across? Why-
A bright light shot out the top of the device, coalescing into the familiar form of the prankster mechanic. A few of the pegasi guards took this as an opportunity to try to tackle her, but in their attempts they simply passed through her, distorting the image.
"Hold!" Celestia roared, gaining the attention of every guard present within the throne room, and a fair amount of those without. "Tis simply an illusion! She is not here."
"Sorry about that," The image of Gaige said, her voice coming clear and bubbly from the device, "Had to wait until someone tried that, holograms, you idjits."
"Gaige! You will turn yourself over, and we will convene this matter in a peaceful solution!" Celestia called out, eager to put her off her guard. They had to detain her, and as quickly as possible. There was no telling the amount of damage she could achieve now that they hadn't even the foggiest of where she even was! "I promise that-"
"Aaaaaaaand," Gaige cut in, interrupting her. "This is just a message. I'm not actually there, this was recorded beforehand! Sorry, just knew Celestia would be dumb enough to try to talk to the freaking letter," she stated, giggling madly to herself. "Anyhoo... Celestia. It's time we end this," she stated, her expression growing hard and cold. "I'm not going to run. Its been a while since I've seen you, I know, you might have thought I went and died off in a ditch somewhere over the past month for all I know. Sorry about the building, by the way. That was just the by product of a token from my new friend. Real twoface kinda guy, I'm sure you would have liked him. Anyway, I've had a month to think over the little stunt you tried to pull with the Elements, and frankly, I don't feel like letting you escalate." The image of Gaige let a slow smile part her lips.
"I found this excellent place in town, goes by the name of Donut Joes. You and me. Lets talk. Bring however many of your friends you want to make yourself feel comfortable around me, I don't care. Don't make me wait too long, If you're not here in an hour I'll leave. No offense Joe," she stated, turning her head off to the side to look out side of the image, "These stools might be pleasant to you ponies, but this is already kinda uncomfortable. I can last maybe an hour before I have to get up bowlegged!~" she joked, a short laugh escaping her lips.
"No offense taken, ma'am," a voice said from the device. A very familiar voice, to any of those present that had ever used a bit of salary to purchase one of the best donuts in the city.
"If you've hurt him in any way-" Celestia stopped short, confused as to how and why Gaige had copied her words. At the same time she was speaking them.
"Sorry Celly, you're just too dang easy. Too predictable. 'If you've hurt him!' Sure to be the first thing out of your mouth," her expression turned thoughtful, her robotic limb stroking her chin, "That or 'I won't let you hurt him'. Something like that. Well, we're wasting daylight Princess, come and talk to me, or don't. Your choice."
The light cut out, the device letting out a single puff of smoke before filling the hall with an almost deafening air of silence.
"Captain," Celestia finally managed to force words past her lips, "Ready the guard. Make a team of ten that we can take inside the restaurant. Mobilize all other troops to surround the establishment, cut off any chance she has of escape. You, Copper Canyon!" she called out, summoning a guard to the front of the crowd, "Retrieve the elements and their bearers. If she has decided to end this," she mused, turning her attention back to Shining Armor, "Her intentions might have changed her enough to become affected by the elements. I won't claim to know why she claimed to have been gone for a month, but we must take it at face value."
Shining Armor gave her a short nod, then turned his attention to the troops scattered around him.
"All troops, fall in!"
I bought another doughnut, sending the message drone off. Hopefully those new targeting lines I had written in would make it go through the door like a normal person. Probably not, but I can hope, right?~
Another shudder of discomfort echoed through my back, and I let out a pained sigh.
"Sorry Joe, it's not like I wanna offend you, but would you mind if I brought out one of my own chairs to sit in?"
He looked around the room, even up to my Deathtrap hovering menacingly over my head. Probably wondering where I was supposed to have a chair stashed, but he should be used to things like this. At least I'm fairly certain he knows Pinkie Pie...
"Ain't no trouble. Just... take whatever you bring in, back out with you," he asked, apparently assuming I was going to go outside and get it from a cart or something. Wrong, but adorably so.
I digistructed my chair out of my arm, hopping down off the deceptively painful bar stool. "Thankee sai~ Oh yeah, I just invited the Princess here, so do you think we could something ready for her? Do you make any cake, perchance?" Chalk it up to cake butt. If she didn't want it, I'd eat it.
"Do you actually think she'll come?" he asked, shaking his head in a negative.
"Aw, pooh. Oh well, I'll just get her a bearclaw then. And I would say ninety percent chance of yes. Ten percent chance she just tries to blast me with the Elements again, but she is a rather one trick pony."
"Again?" he crooked up his eyebrow at that.
"Yeah, they tried to blast me with the Elements of Harmony. Turns out there's nothing wrong with me for them to fix. So she threw me in jail."
He shook his head, denying the claim of my story, "That don't sound like a thing the Princess would do."
"I know!" I agreed, "I full on expected her to try and get the bearers to 'rehabilitate' me or something, but nope! Pew pew, using the very essence of harmony as a weapon against something she didn't like. Hmm," I hummed, stroking my chin with my metal limb. I find I do that a lot now whenever I start thinking hard on something. And when I'm bored. And hungry. "Maybe that's why they didn't work?"
"I won't make that mistake twice," her voice sounded from behind me. Sneaky little nag, I didn't even hear her come in.
It was at that point a familiar rainbow tinged torrent of light washed over me, leaving me standing no less for wear. I turned in my seat, staring incredulously at the main six, Celestia, and a whole shitton of guardies.
"Freaking really? They didn't work the last time, what did you think was going to happen?" I asked, a tinge of anger entering my voice.
"But... they..." she mewled pitiously, all present visibly cringing away from me.
"You know, I wonder what they would do if the bearers turned them on you, Tia," I mused, "Because thats twice you've tried to have them used as a weapon against me," I picked up one of my doughnuts, a strawberry jelly filled godsend to my tongue. "They have got to be just the slightly bit perturbed at you by this point..."
"Silence! Gaige the Mechromancer, we are taking you into custody. You are under arrest. I'm sorry," she snarled, a look of sadness on her face, "This is just how it has to be."
An invisible proverbial rope inside my mind went *creak*, *creak*, *SNAP*. Seriously? I tried. I freaking tried. I tried to be nice, I tried to be polite, I tried to set up a situation where we could talk this over. Did they want to listen? Noooooooooooooooooooooooope. Fucking skaglick on a boarhinds arse.
I tried to be nice.
I reached into my vest, and depressed a button on a device sitting in the pocket.
All light in the immediate vicinity... nothing changed... but if one was vigilant, they would notice as the very colors themselves greyed out, becoming duller. The sounds of the city grew distant, as if heard through a heavy pane of glass. All music in the vicinity ceased, and died.
The pegasi were the first to notice the effects. Second by second, they flapped ever harder, trying to stay aloft. Until their hooves touched the ground, and it was beyond their control to even stand. The unicorns were next. They noticed the pegasi's plight, and quickly leapt to cast their magic spells, draining their magic into the world. A foolish endeavor. They reached the same end as the end as the pegasi, face down on the floor. The earth ponies were next. They stood their ground, believing they could overcome whatever fell spell I had cast through simple will power. Crumpled to the ground, just like the others.
Celestia was the last one standing, her mane flickering dangerously as she stared around at the multitude of ponies I had knocked down without even having removed myself from my comfy chair.
"What have you done?!!" she yelled, her aura flaring to her horn in a magnificent burst. "I told you Mechromancer, I will... not... let you... hurt..." And with that, the everpresent breeze moving through her mane ceased it's ethereal passage. Her colors dulled, and she fell to the ground, just like all those before her. They all strained to regain their footing, and they all failed.
I guess that's what happens when you disconnect the magic from a magic reliant species. Good enough for a first large scale test.
"No, this is how it's going to go down," I replied, slipping my little package out of my vest and holding it up. "Do you know what this is?" I asked, trying to keep my voice level.
"I have to assume it is the device which you used to drain us of our magic," Celestia stated, a trace of icy fear catching her dulcet tones.
"Incorrect. Your magic hasn't been drained. Notice how your cutie marks are still present?" I asked. A wave of heads turned towards their backsides, and it was all I could do to stifle a squeal of giddiness. They were so adorable! Focus Gaige, eye on target, go for gold! "This, is a magic jammer," I explained. Pinkie Pie raised a hoof tiredly, so I decided to oblige her by calling on her. "Yes, you with the pink... almost everything."
That got a giggle out of her, but didn't dissuade her question. "What flavor is it?"
"Flav- no. No no no, no. Nohohoho. No. Not that kind of jam. Its a usage of the word that means to block."
Celestia's eyes widened in shock, surprise echoing in ever facet of her reaction. Micro-expressions, mouth opening for the slightest fraction of a second, eyes widening, eyebrows raising for a moment. All gone in the blink of an eye. She was good.
"I have planted a number of these devices -of which number I will not be disclosing, but feel reassured in the knowledge that it's in the thousands.- across Equestria for the better part of the last year. I have had an entire year to prepare, so do not even begin to assume I am bluffing."
"Why are you doing this?" Celestia asked, her face and tone every inch the facade of the caring benevolent ruler. Sorry lady, that ship had already sailed. "We never threatened you in such a way-"
I let out a harsh, low laugh devoid of humor. Deathtrap copied my enthusiasm, his voice program letting out a hollow tinny laughter. I raised the device and let Deathtrap take it.
"The fact of the matter is, yes you did. You marched an inordinate amount of troops into my home -by the slightest degree of affection I can attach to a place that couldn't be different than the home I was torn from against my will- and threw me in a cage like I was some kind of... of... of animal," I spat, my voice raising a couple decibels.
Each of the faces present twitched, varying degrees ranging from embarrassment to indignation -Rainbow Dash- to even pity -Fluttershy, of course.- flashing across their mugs.
"You then carted me off to endure a punishment a majority of my race, MYSELF INCLUDED, WOULD RATHER DIE THAN BE PUT THROUGH!!!" I yelled, strings of spittle flying from my raging maw to splatter across the muzzle of Celestia. It seems in my anger I had closed the distance, putting only a couple inches between us.
"You... you can't mean that-" Celestia pleaded.
"I have never meant anything with any more finality in my life," I assured her, "I would rather die than be locked in place, unable to move, unable to breath, unable to SCREAM in terror as my mind wasted away into insanity." I ended on a deadly cold note, staring her in the eye. "Until the moment you attempted that, I viewed your threats as empty. Innocent. Non threatening."
My brow furrowed, and I placed my eye less than an inch away from Celestias own, so she couldn't look anywhere else but straight at the only thing that mattered at the moment. I heard several of the guardsponies -Shining Armor included- trying to drag themselves over, anything to protect their sovereign. Ineffectively, but kudos for effort.
"No more," I stated resolutely. "Now my kid gloves are off- No pink one, I do not mean gloves made for baby goats, I'm inferring that I've been hiding my 'true strength' and am getting serious," I rebuked Pinkie pie, gesturing to get her to stop waving her leg around. "Now, I'm going to call the shots. For trying to do what you attempted to do to me, I should -and have absolutely no qualms about- kill you all, right here and now. Eliminate the threat to my well being. But I'm not going to do that, because I actually like some of you, and it'd make them sad if I offed their friends."
I took a deep breath, slumping backwards to sit in my chair. "Remember the magic jammers? Back to them. I have placed them all over Equestria, and if I don't send them all a signal each night at a specific time, they will activate. Effectively crippling your society."
I glanced over the room, noticing the looks over horror that were circulating. "Here are my terms, so that I don't go trigger happy and hamstring your entire country. I am moving to Ponyville," I claimed, noting with satisfaction that surprise filtered across all their faces, followed by anger.
"Never in a million years!" Rainbow Dash yelled, straining to get to her hooves. She failed, of course, but again it was a nice effort.
"I am moving to Ponyville," I reinforced, "I am willing to activate the piddly little signal each and every night, if you let me be. Twilight Sparkle," her head raised at the mention of her name, "Will be allowed access to my domicile per her own voluntary will. I will not force her comings or goings, under the stipulation that she is not to remove anything from my premises. I will submit to paying for renting -and/or outright buying- the land which my domicile will rest on, as long as you do not try to overcharge me with an endless line of hidden fees. You might have noticed, I'm pretty damn smart, I do read the fine text."
Celestias eyes narrowed, I could almost sense her brain heating up as she tried to think of a way to spin this in her favor.
"Twilight Sparkle will be allowed, and encouraged to keep you up to date on whatever it is I feel like doing that given time or day or whatever. You can then offer criticism, support, whatever floats your boat about the current situation. Whether or not I follow your advice or not, is my prerogative."
"I will not allow you to continue to put my subjects in danger-" Celestia started.
"My terms are non negotiable. Either follow them to the letter, and accept where I give you slack, or Equestria will wake up one morning realizing the sun and moon aren't moving," I threatened. "You wronged me in a very personal manner, you no longer get to call the shots. This is very much a hostage situation, and be very well informed that I am holding a blade right up against your jugular. This threat will only be removed once I no longer feel threatened. Seeing as you quite easily sentenced myself to slow mental decay in a prison of stony flesh, -not once, but fucking twice- that might very well take a good long while. Might be you have to wait for me to die of old age. About a hundred years shouldn't put too much of a damper on you, but if you push me I might take offense and make those hundred years a living hell for those you care about, just to lash out at you."
"Wait... what if you do die?" Celestia asked, a suddenly panicked expression on her face, "What about the magic blocking devices? What will we do about them?"
"Pray," I responded, my voice dipping down to a whisper, "Pray that once it comes to that point, I've become more relaxed to the point of letting you out from under the heel of my boot," I stated.
Without further ado, I stood up, de-digistructing the chair from underneath me. I reached up and grabbed the magic jammer from Deathtrap, switching it off. I watched a few seconds as movement returned to Celestia's mane. Good, I wasn't really sure whether or not return of magic energy would be immediate or not. First test on one of the two royal sisters, successful!
"See you in Ponyville, I'll be setting up shop right next to Fluttershy's, I'll be sure to not scare her animals. Toodles!" I belted out jauntily, turning on my heel and walking out of the building.
Chapter 3- 'First' Contact With A Bat Shit Crazy Mechromancer
Twilight ran through her mental checklist as she gazed up at the monolithic building looming in front of her. It was a nearly featureless pillar of whitewashed metallic material, four sides that seemed to stretch overhead to scratch at the sky. It was lucky that subject 'Mechromancer' had decided to set up shop on the fringes of town, as it was it would be a nuisance for any pegasi flying in the nearby area. Thankfully Fluttershy seemed to favor sticking close to the ground.
One. Go the the residence of subject 'Mecromancer'. Two. Convince subject 'Mecromancer' that she was there to take her up on her offer. Three. Infiltrate subject 'Mechromancer's' inner sanctum. Acquire as much information regarding subject 'Mechromancer's' plans, tools, fortifications, and any other pertinent information as possible. Four. Find out, extort, or otherwise acquire password to disable null magic devices. Five. If unable to find out password, figure out some way to trick subject 'Mechromancer' into giving up said password Six. Relay all experiences to a containment memory crystal. Have Spike send containment memory crystal to Princess Celestia via dragonfire 'mail' spell. Seven. ... Wait for reply.
Twilight looked at the physical copy of her list, wincing as she realized she had skipped forty seven steps in her hurry. It was just so... exciting? Not exciting. If she qualified it as 'exciting', that might taint further impressions. Exhilarating? No. It just made her... anxious.
If she wasn't careful, she'd end up making everything worse. The mechromancer had for some unknown reason given her permission above any other ponies to enter her stronghold. If she could just convince her to give up her evil ways, everything could go back to normal. But if she made a misstep...
Twilight swallowed back a gulp, sweeping a hoof from her chest outwards with a deep breath to banish her tense thoughts. She'd succeed. She had to. Princess Celestia trusted in her, she couldn't let her down.
With an extended hoof, she tentatively knocked on the only ornament of the tower. The door. It was a tall rectangular groove on the southern face, with the words 'Front Door' inlaid in bright blue letters directly above it.
A square about four hooves by four hooves lit up level with Twilights face, the words 'intercom' appearing within it.
"Ooh! Twilight! You're late! Hurry up and get in here, I was just getting ready to leave, I almost left without you!" Gaiges voice called out through some sort of invisible speaker.
The door slowly hissed open, sliding into the wall next to it as Twilight stared into the depths of the tower in mild confusion. The subject had been expecting her? She was late? She was never late! That was the same as being tardy! That was horrible! She might send her back... to...
Twilight repeated her breathing exercise, slowing her heart rate. The 'Mechromancer' wouldn't send her back to magic kindergarten. She didn't have the authority. She probably didn't even know about magic kindergarten. So she wouldn't even know about magic kindergarten to be able to send her there. Still, being late was nothing to dismiss. If everypony was late, then nothing would ever get anything done!
Twilight stepped inside, the door sliding shut behind her. She was left in complete darkness, stumbling over her hooves for a few steps before a line of lights flashed into being underneath her.
It was a series of flashing arrows, leading her deeper into the cavernous building. It didn't make any sense, there weren't any compartmentalization type magic arrays woven into the building. There was barely any magic in the tower, it was almost as if the entire place was a magical dead zone. So how was it so large? It seemed that she had already walked at LEAST three lengths of the tower.
Another minute passed, Twilights only companion being the echoing clops her hooves made upon the floor. She was beginning to think something might have gone wrong.
"What the... seriously?" Gaige's voice echoed around her, catching her off guard as she tried to figure out where it was coming from, "C'mon, I told you to start up the holochamber as soon as she came in, how long has she been sitting in the dark in there?"
"The file was corrupted," a different voice answered, also echoing through the space around Twilight. "I have been trying to distract princess Twilight while I attempt to recover the original file." Twilight wasn't sure, but the voice sounded... wrong. It didn't sound like anypony Twilight knew, and it also sounded weirdly... androgynous. She couldn't for the life of her definitively latch either a female or a male identifier to it.
"First, Twilight isn't a princess," Gaiges voice admonished the first, "Second, how the hell did the file get corrupted? Screw it, whatever, I'm already running late, just salvage what you can and give her whats left."
"There is not much to-" the voice started.
"Zip it Querty! Just do it so we can get going!" Gaiges voice called out harshly.
The flashing yellow arrow vanished from underneath Twilight, leaving her in suffocating darkness. A pinprick of light appeared on the 'wall' in front of her, slowly growing as a static white noise crept in around her. Twilight closed her eyes against the growing glare, wincing as she threw an arm in front of her eyes to protect them.
"Welcome!" Gaiges voice called out, emanating from directly in front of her. Twilight glared at the source of the voice, silently trying to scrutinize past her bleary vision as her sight returned to normal. When it did, she almost wished it hadn't. Gaige the mechromancer was standing in front of her... but it wasn't her. It was some form of illusion, one that appeared to be poorly put together. Every time she moved, parts of her disappeared and reappeared at seemingly random, and every time she talked her skeleton slipped through her her skin, as if they had been cast as different illusions and attempted to mesh them together.
"Welcome to -BZZT- Tower!" the voice of the subject declared, and Twilight realized abruptly that something had gone wrong with her voice. It was almost like she had skipped past part of her own conversation, and even her body seemed to teleport randomly in place. "You can pretty much -BZZT- where in the facility, but be careful of the -BZZT- seriously, don't go anywhere near the -BZZT- I'm serious, this could be a matter of life or death, don't -BZZT- And that's the safety taken care of, so just remember, have fun, be safe, but don't -BZZT- ddle Arabia. I've got an appointment with the -BZZT- we'll just be there for the day, so don't worry. If you have anything you had planned, please inform me at your earliest convenience. I might just have to leave you behind if you can't come -BZZT- exits are here, here, and here on the craft," she declared, pointing at a blueprint that suddenly appeared in the air before Twilight. Except part of her hand was missing, and the finger that pointed at the blueprint hung freely in the air unconnected from her hand.
"-BZZT- just remember, under no circumstances should you -BZZT- but don't worry, as long as you follow the comprehensive safety protocols I've described, you should be perfectly fine!" her voice happily stated, sending a cold line of dread through Twilights mind.
"Wait, what?! No! You skipped steps, you skipped steps!!!"She cried out as the floor opened up underneath her. She fell for a few hooves, before a sloping surface made contact with her hooves. She realized she was on some sort of slide, but she was hard pressed to figure out the exact dimensions as she slid on in relative darkness. She couldn't even properly tell which way the slide was going, seeing as at one point she could have sworn she was sliding upwards.
A hatch suddenly opened up underneath her, sending her sprawling into an admittedly comfortable seat. As Twilight tried to regain her bearings, she slowly shook her head. Finally her surrounds swam back into vision around her, showing her that she was in the seat of some sort of enclosed carriage.
"What?! Where?!" Twilight squawked, trying to blink her sudden nausea away.
"Keep up, Twilight," the subject admonished her from a seat next to hers. "Like I said in the training vid, you went down the G.G.E. , now you're in my departure bay. Inside a dragonspy -mark III respec-, but you already know that from the training video, good god listen to me ramble, you already know all this I'm just so excited to finally be able to talk to you since Celestia never let me before..."
Outside of two bug eye like windows, a large metallic ring filled Twilights vision. Her eyes grew wide with surprise as a weird energy slowly crept over the opening of the ring, transforming it into a sideways pool filled with glowing light.
"Ground gate, my own design. Well, I based it off of star gates, but this is faaar less powerful. Had to work with the materials I had, but it seems to work well enough."
Twilight felt a spike of fear as she stared ahead, her gaze uncomprehending as she slowly recognized what she was looking at. It was impossible. It was theoretical. There was NO freaking way the subject should have been able to create something like this, ESPECIALLY without magic!.
"That... that... that," she stuttered, lifting a hoof to point at the ring of certain death their craft was slowly edging its way towards. "Thats... an event horizon..."
"Yep!" Gaige responded gleefully, seemingly unaware of their immanent demise.
"That... that'll destroy us!" Twilight yelped, looking over to Gaige with worried eyes, "It'll rip all of our molecules apart!"
"Well, yeah," Gaige admitted with a bored tone, looking at Twilight in confusion, as if something were wrong with her. "How else would it transport us?"
Before Twilight could even release her pent up scream of terror, the craft leapt forward with a sudden jerk. There was an almost titanic roar as some sort of non magical propulsion device turned on, shooting them forward through the glowing circle of light.
Twilight shook in her seat, silently seething as she gave the subject her best 'silent treatment'.
"Oh c'mon, I said I was sorry!" the subject protested, fiddling with the crafts controls as their vessel cut through the darkened blue depths around them. "... are you still giving me the cold shoulder? ... Yeah, you are. Bummer. Mind if I just ramble, then?"
The subject waited for her to respond, eliciting a glower from Twilight in response. Did she think she was stupid? To respond at this point would be completely pointless, and would undo all her actions to this point. Instead of replying, Twilight decided to peer out the crafts two large view windows. As far as she could see from her admittedly limited viewpoint, the craft was actually shaped like that of a dragonfly. The control room she had been plopped down into appeared to be the dragonflys head, with the body trailing off behind them with various propulsion engines built into the tail and the wings.
It really was a truly impressive craft, all things considered. Despite the fact that she obviously didn't follow any safety regulations, or go through the proper patent licensing... How did she do this? All by herself, at that? For one pony to have been able to make something like this, and in such a seemingly short amount of time without even a whisper escaping to create a rumor for other ponies to go off of...
Maybe her friend Death Trap, the strange floating pony she'd been seen communing with helped her? Wait... she had heard another voice, when she was still within the confines of the subjects base. What did she call the voice? Square Tea? Bare Knee? Very Airy? Twilight scrunched her brow, trying to remember the strange ponies name.
"Qwerty," Twilight half mumbled to herself, pondering the implications of a pony having such an... odd name...
"Yes, Miss Sparkle?" the voice droned, a face appearing to her left side.
"AGH!" Twilight yelped, flinching herself away from the sudden intrusion. Which given the fact that she was strapped into a pony friendly seat, was disturbingly little. "I... you..." she stuttered, looking back and forth between the newly appeared pony and towards the tail section of the craft. There had to be another room back there, where the pony had been until this point. There was no other option. "Whered did you come from?" she finally settled for, trying to mask her breathing with a careful sigh.
The pony had a sleet grey coat, with mane and tail that were barely only a perceptible shade darker. She -'at least, Twilight thought, she looks like a mare. something still seems... off though...'- had pupils the same shade as her coat, and Twilight found it a bit of a challenge to stop herself from going crosseyed while looking at her. Her side was turned towards her, so Twilight snuck a stealthy look at her cutie mark. It was common practice, after all to check out ones cutie mark so that they could more properly foster a friendship with them. Her books said so.
What at first glance appeared to be nothing more than unrelated lines and circles stood out to Twilight. It was three lines of numbers, all consisting of zeros and ones. 01111001 01100101 01110011. Twilight suppressed a momentary bout of confusion, what could a cutiemark like that even mean? Were they really good at math? Something about the structure looked familiar to her as well, but she couldn't quite place it...
"I was in standby mode, but then you requested my presence," Qwerty stated in a dull tone, causing Twilights ears to splay at the ponies inexpressive features. It was like she was trying to communicate without emoting, and for an expressions heavy species like ponies this was its own area of offputting.
"I... did?" Twilight muttered, trying to formulate a response.
"Yes, you stated-," she started, leaving her mouth hanging open as one of the most terrifying moments ever happened in front of Twilight. Twilights own voice started speaking from the ponies mouth, parroting back her last words at her.
Twilight sat stock still, slowly turning to look rigidly at Gaige. She appeared to be taking this relatively well, given exactly what was currently occupying the cabin in between them.
"Ummm," Twilight started shakily, trying to gain the subjects attention. "Excuse me? Mrs, Gaige? I have to ask... you are aware that your assistant is a changeling, are you not?"
"What?" the subject barked, taking her attention away from the controls before her. She blinked owlishly at Twilight, before looking back at the newly discovered changeling. "Changeling?" she asked, looking back and forth from Twilight to Qwerty.
She didn't know. Twilight instantly brightened at this, a single changeling would be easy to knock out. After revealing a trusted assistant to be a heinous deceiver, there was no way that the subject would view Twilight with suspicion past that point! After all, she would have just helped her uncover a sinister plot to infiltrate her inner sanctum!
"Qwerty, your mouth's hanging open," the subject stated, seemingly dismissing Twilights words of warning.
"Apologies, mistress, my jaw appears to have jammed," the changeling stated, her mouth still hanging wide open but thankfully having returned to her androgynous own.
"Again? C'mon, I just fixed that like, yesterday!" the subject exclaimed, reaching over to grab the changelings head... AND TWIST IT OFF WITH AN AUDIBLE POP.
She cradled the head in her lap, a series of tools sprouting from her mechanical arm as Twilight looked on in horror. The next few seconds passed with relative peace, the sharp hisses and whirrs emanating from the subject as she worked on the severed head. Twilight steeled her resolve, noting an inconsistency. Even though the subject had almost cruelly torn the changelings head from its body... there were no fluids. No gushing blood that should have occurred from such a beheading. Something wasn't right.
She peered over, leaning as far as she could in her seatbelt as she could. The top of the neck ended in a stump... but there was no blood. There was no spine, no bones, no blood vessels or anything else she was familiar with. It was a collection of metal tubes and circuits. Oh god, it wasn't a changeling, it wasn't even a real pony. Twilight began shaking in place, her gaze tentatively traveling its way back over to latch onto the subject.
"My apologies, Miss Sparkle," the disembodied head stated in Gaiges grip, causing Twilights' eyes to grow wide. "I appear to have been ignoring you selfishly due to my own concerns. You requested my presence, if I recall?"
Twilights eyes rolled upwards into her head, her body jerking as she fell unconscious.
Twilight peered blearily out the window, trying to come up with a way to assuage her previous actions. She had regained consciousness and upon seeing the artificial pony standing beside her -head restored-, she had overreacted. By punching her as hard as she could. She hadn't yet apologized, and really hadn't the first idea about how she should.
Qwerty was still standing beside her, her gaze calm and unaccusing from the unwarranted assault Twilight had perpetrated against her. Why didn't she say anything?!
"I..." Twilight started, flinching as Qwerty cocked her head to the side in response.
"Yes?" she asked, her eyes unblinking. "Have you decided on what it was you requested my presence for?"
"Are... aren't you mad? Even a little?" Twilight choked out, finding it hard to keep her eye contact with the pony next to her.
"Why would I be mad? You have caused me no damage, and have relieved stress from yourself. There has been nothing to get angry over, seeing as you did not do your actions in anger. I can not fault you for being afraid of me."
Twilight blinked, staring at the pony as she realized she wasn't even breathing. She looked just like a pony... but everything was just a little... bit... off...
"What... are you?" she finally settled on.
"I am Qwerty Mark XXIII," Qwerty responded immediately, "Quintessence With Every Real Technical Yearning, to be specific. Apologies, while my mistress is good with a wrench," she waved a hoof to gesture at Gaige, "She has proven to be less than adept regarding naming and acronyms. As it so happens, She named me first, and attempted to figure out an acronym from the letters after the fact. As to more accurately 'what' I am, I am an artificial pony, whose mental structure was copied and constructed from Mistress Gaiges own."
"I..." Twilight started, thinking on what she had said. 'Mental structure'? That didn't sound right... "What do you mean, copied?"
"While I am grade A awesomesauce at robotics and all that junk," the subject spoke up, startling Twilight. "I will admit I haz next to no experience creating artificial intelligence before I came to Equestria. So I made Qwerty here while I was trying to upgrade something else. Up to Mark ten actually went into an entirely different project, as did everything up until twenty. Qwerty here is third gen, so she's so far the most advanced. She seems to be based off my logic -unlike the last two jackoffs,- so she's proven to be quite effective in regard to day to day business. I'm thinking with the next set of Marks I should try biomechanics. Hey Twilight, can I have a couple of your eggs?"
Twilight froze in her seat, trying to process what the subject had just asked her. She couldn't possibly mean what she thought she meant.
"Umm... pardon?" she coughed, a blush forcing its way to her cheeks.
"Eggs, yours. From inside you. Unfertilized. It wouldn't even be that big of an ordeal for you, just a quick sleeping drug, I cut you open and take a single egg out of your ovaries -unless ponies actually healthily produce more than one egg a month, in which case we could go further,- seal you back up, and you'd wake up a bit sore. A day later, you wouldn't even know it!" Gaige exclaimed, sending Twilight a happy looking smile. As if what she had asked hadn't been one of the most invasive things Twilight had ever heard uttered.
She... she didn't even sound like she thought it was that big of a deal... and she WAS asking, instead of just taking...
"I... no. I can't in good conscience agree to that. I have no idea how you would enact such a procedure, but I can't think up a single situation where that would be within the law." Twilight nodded in a self satisfied manner, she managed to get her point across without a tone of an antagonist.
"Oh, ok. Guess I'll put an add out in the local paper. How much do you think would be good for an egg? Fifty pounds of gold sound good? I'll also need to get some sperm samples, maybe I can collaborate with Ponyville Medical..."
Twilight gaped for a moment, lost in the subjects words. FIFTY. POUNDS. She knew more than one pony who would be more than willing to take some discomfort for that amount of liquidatable materials. But how the hay had she gotten hold of so much gold?
"I... but if you did that, you might run out!" Twilight hurriedly reasoned, "Just as a matter of inquiry, exactly how many... pounds of gold would you say you had, approximately?" she asked, hoping her question didn't sound too out of place.
"Pounds?" Gaige parroted back at her. "Uhh... carry the one... Screw it, much easier just to go with the higher numbers. I got just over... seventeen tonnes. Yeah. Seventeen. I hit a vein in the badlands recently, got a whole tonne from that..."
Twilight goggled at her companion, shaken by how easily she tossed around such words. Could she be lying? She didn't sound like she was, but Twilight couldn't be certain. And if she actually had that much precious material just lying around... Her spoken desire for equestrian biological samples might just pan out for her.
"Hey Twilight, How uhhh... 'comfortable' are you with the current situation?" Gaige asked, looking at her sideways.
"I... guess I'm good?" Twilight responded to the oddly timed question. "Why?"
"Oh, I'm just reading some messages I've gotten from some... friends," Gaige said evasively, her lying having worse tells than Applejack. "Yeah, friends. Anyway, I've told them about you and one of them actually had a question. For you."
Twilight peered past Gaiges arm at the screen she had been reading before her. "On a scale from one to..." Twilight stopped, her eyes tracking the rest of the message. Her voice petered out, as Gaige hurriedly turned her viewing portal off. She gave Twilight a sidelong apologetic glance, nervously grinning.
"Gaige... is 'foalcon rapefic' what I think it applies to?" she asked evenly.
"If you think that it is a term to apply to meaning extremely messed up, than yes. Don't mind the wording, I'm just more interested in your answer."
"I don't think I'm comfortable with you telling these... ponies about me. Please refrain from talking about me in the future." Twilight measured her breathing, careful strokes to prevent her anger coming to the surface.
"Oh. Okay. Still care to answer the question, though?" the subject replied with a smile.
"... I... I'd be lying if I found this to be a comfortable situation. I'm continuously assailed with information that no Equestrian has even dreamed of, so I should theoretically be happy. Free knowledge, granted to me without reason or compromise? I could easily spend days writing about the things I've already seen," Twilight gestured out past the windows to a passing fish, its multihued body only offset by a wicked set of teeth that hung from its jaw. "But all this information... it has a sense of taint to it. Like by simply learning about it is wrong, simply because I've gone the wrong way acquiring it. So... I guess I feel comfortable in the fact that you're not outright putting me into dangerous situations... but I know of your exploits. I felt... powerless in Canterlot," she admitted, her gaze dropping to the floor.
"I've never felt that weak. That helpless. Theres literally nothing I could do to stop you if you simply wanted to take something from me, but you just keep... offering me new information. Freely. It's... off putting. Like you're trying to trick me out my goals..."
"What are your goals?" Gaige asked, causing Twilights panicked gaze to snap back up towards hers. "You're trying to get the password, obviously, but why are YOU here? Celestia could have petitioned for a different pony to be placed in your stead, and in fact you could have voiced your own protests on the matter. But as far as I know, you didn't. So... why?"
"I..." Twilight started. Why she was here... "Because you're dangerous. Being around you is dangerous, and the tales that have spouted up in the short time since you've emigrated to Equestria... some of them are frankly monstrous. I can't in good conscience let somepony else take my place, even if it means that I am in turn in danger."
Gaige started chuckling to herself, a low sound that bounced around the airtight cabin. "Are you willing to risk your life, Twilight? In case being around me turns out to be just as bad as those tales?~"
Twilight steeled her jaw, her tone clear in her defiance to the subjects words. "I will. So others don't have to."
"Admirable," Gaige stated with a laugh. "Lets hope nothing bad happens all the same, shall we?" her expression grew thoughtful, as a wide grin spread across her face. "Hey Twilight, since we're friends now, how about a game? If you can tell me what Qwertys' cutiemark means by the end of the day, I'll give you the password. And not some nonsense like 'the code to get in is the code to get on', or some other such password that has no context to your goals and is simply a personal joke for me. That code, the one you actually want. The one to disable the jammers.~"
Twilight thought on her words, unable to find any deception. It sounded too good to be true, but the subject had thus far proven to be erratic in her goals and motives. It was entirely plausible she was being earnest. If she was... there was no harm in accepting. Simply inspecting a cutie mark and hypothesizing on potential meanings? There was almost no downside to this.
"I... accept," Twilight stated, nodding her head. the words 'since we're friends now' rang back through her head as she thought. If she was just given permission to be more friendly with the subject... She might as well start referring to her by her actual name. Friends called their friends by their names and not their titles, right? And as a student of friendship, she should know. "Till the end of the day? That sounds more than fair... Jordan," she pushed the unfamiliar name out of her mouth, stumbling over the odd sound. It was still her name though, as Celestia herself had called her. Her first name, too! Jordan Gaige was an odd name for a pony. But she wasn't really a pony, now was she?
Twilights sight was suddenly obscured by a thin metal barrel pointed straight at her forehead. Looking past the end of the barrel, her eyes traced the contours of a device which had previously been tightly harnessed within the folds of the subjects belt. Looking past that... Twilights blood froze in her veins.
She was staring at her, her eyes filled with palpable rage. Teeth stood gritted in the open snarl of a predator, and Twilight found herself shrinking inwards upon herself to get as far away from the sight as she could.
"DON'T. FUCKING. CALL ME THAT, " she ground out, her tone laced with fury Twilight had only seen once before. "That name was given to me as a collar, a leash. Its only purpose was to USE me as that man saw fit. To mold me into the perfect little doll HE wanted."
Twilights breath caught in her thought, refusing to move as the subjects rage instantly melted and was replaced by an earnest smile. The L shaped device which had been shoved into her face returned to her belt, and Twilight found herself able to breath again.
"Sorry, just a bit of a sore point for me. Just call me Gaige, k?" she stated cheerfully.
Twilight was right. She wasn't a pony. Not even close.
They lined the mares flank on both sides, but that wasn't what was interesting about them. The sequence of '01111001 01100101 01110011' was prominently displayed upon her right flank, while the sequence of '01101110 01101111' was stretched across her left side. It made no sense, it was obvious that Gaige had tried to duplicate the appearance of a normal cutiemark. So why would she make it different on both sides?
What could it possibly mean? If broken down and taken simply as the numbers they were presented as, then in binary they read as 'yes' and 'no'. But that still meant practically nothing to her. If she asked a question of her from the right side, would she get a 'yes’ answer? If from the left side, the opposite? Twilight should have known better, there was no way that Gaige would have just given up something like the password so easily.
At the very least she should have suspected such trickery from the mechromancer.
"Qwerty?" She asked, breaking the near silence that had permeated throughout the cockpit.
"Yes, princess?" The mechanical pony replied, turning to look at Twilight.
"Not a princess, Qwerty," the subject reprimanded her, making minute adjustments as the craft continued to cut through the darkened depths.
"My apologies," Qwerty promptly continued, not sounding the least bit contrite. It was rather hard telling her tone and inflection at all, but at least it wasn't a completely monotone drawl. "I had assumed based on archived data that you were currently the Princess of Friendship. I had wondered where your wings had gone if you were as such, but I surmised you had simply misplaced them. Perhaps you will find them in a box of lost things?" she mused, tilting her head to the side.
"There is no 'princess of friendship'," Twilight managed to get out, confused at the turn the short conversation had taken.
"Oh?" Qwerty drawled in a drawn out tone. "That means there's an open position then, yes? Perhaps you should audition and see how it goes?"
"That's, I'm not, that's not how it, you can't just," Twilight sputtered, trying to find her words. "Sorry, I think we got a little off track, can I ask you something?"
"Certainly, princess," Qwerty responded in a flat tone. Twilight thought she could almost hear a slight tinge of smug mirth, but that was swept away almost immediately.
"What does your cutiemark mean?" She asked, satisfied at her inquiry. Gaige had never stated that she couldn't straight out ask what the answer was. It wasn't like she had anything to lose from asking.
Qwerty quirked an eyebrow, the expression freezing said eyebrow in place as the rest of her expression returned to normal. "My, how forward. Are you asking me out on a date, princess?"
Twilight gaped, not quite understanding how the conversation had taken such a turn from such an innocuous question. She struggled to form a response, failing to do so for a time.
"I didn't," she tried, only to be interrupted by Qwerty.
"Oh? Am I not attractive enough for you? Alas, how deep these words cut. Truly, my existence is now bleak and meaningless," she continued, the effectiveness of her words tainted by the lack of expression on her face. Sans errant eyebrow. Noticing that Twilights gaze kept tracking up to rest on the still raised eyebrow, Qwerty gave herself a minor thwack on the side of her head to reset the motors. The eyebrow returned to its previous position.
"You're making fun of me," Twilight accused, slightly upset that this mare would joke about such a matter. It wasn't fair, to be taunted like that. The first pony to ever openly ask along those lines... And it wasn't even a real pony. So unfair.
"You tried to cheat," Qwerty returned with just as little enthusiasm.
“I didn't,” Twilight protested, trying to find the words to verify her point. Finding naught more than excuses, she filled the silence with a slight huff of frustration.
Twilight turned from the invisibly smug robotic mare, peering forward at the various controls that the Mechromancer interacted with to guide their craft ever onwards. There were many screens and too many toggles, switches and buttons to count at just a glance. The main controls that she seemed to interact with however were three floor based pedals, a long stick that jutted up from the floor, and what looked like two rudder controls that jutted out of the craft.
At least she assumed they were rudder controls. They didn't look like they were properly placed to be able to control the ship if there was actually a rudder, but their direction subtly changed when the subject tweaked these two sticks.
“No thanks,” she replied, shaking her head slightly. “I don't sew. Used to knit, but I only did that cause my mom liked to. Never really had the knack, you know? They'd always turn out looking like lumpy pumpkins, regardless of what I was trying to make. I did however like these bead packet things, you just follow the instructions and you'd end up making a turtle, or a lizard, or even a house or something. Those were fun. Wait, why do you ask?
Twilight paused, trying to parse the almost inane rant that had been thrown in her face. It may have been an accident, but she didn't trust the Mechromancer well enough to assume she wasn't just trying to mess with her head.
“I didn't, I mean… I was trying to ask where we’re going,” Twilight finally settled on.
]Gaige took a long hard look at Twilight, then shrugged. “Then why'd you start off asking me about sewing? I may be a genius but even that is a bit of a stretch to expect me to catch up on. I mean, come on Twilight, you're supposed to be the smart one, you should be adept at speaking dumb by now…”
Twilight bristled in her seat, her tail slightly bottling as she fought off a wave of indignation. She was definitely messing with her. There was no chance in Tartarus that hadn't been intentional.
“My… apologies,” she finally ground out, seeking a non antagonistic result. “I didn't mean to assume. Can you please tell me where we’re going?”
The Mechromancer looked slightly miffed that she hadn't gotten a more vehement response, but that was quickly smothered by another negligent shrug.
“Nothing major, no problem. I indeed can perform such an action such as the like of informing you of our future destination.”
Twilight stayed silent, waiting for her host to continue. When the silence continued to stretch between them without an answer forthcoming, Twilight realized her mistake. She had caught her in a grammar trap. Like a little foal and she had walked straight into it. She had definitely been indulging Rainbow Dashes and Applejacks verbal quirks for too long, if she herself was starting to use their slang without knowing. She definitely should go through a refresher course as soon as she got home.
“Will you please tell me?”
“Probably, most likely,” the subject replied as a smile threatened to upturn the corners of her lips.
Twilight strangled down a frustrated growl at the continued verbal fencing. Was this what she was reduced to? Weasling responses out of a petulant foal?
“In a more expedient manner? Perhaps in the next few seconds, in a manner that is not twisted in an attempt to be as confusing as possible?” she finally settled on, trying to keep her tone level.
“If I must,” Gaige huffed, a small frown crawling across her face. “I have an appointment with a previous client. She was injured in a bit of a… dispute with her previous acquaintances. One of her legs was… unsalvageable and her physicians were forced to amputate the limb.”
Twilight quailed at the information, her ears splaying behind her. Undeterred, Gaige continued as if Twilight hadn't let out a squawk of distress.
“I saw that I could help her, so I did. Came in the middle of the night, took her to one of my labs, took off the excess tissue that would have hampered the implants, then fitted her with a prosthetic. Her ‘friends’ threw a bit of a fit afterwards, but she shut them down pretty quick. Eventually I was seen as a trusted friend of the family, more or less.”
Gaige tugged slightly at the leftmost control/rudder/stalk/thing -Twilight really need to get more information about this craft, she hated feeling like an incompetent in regards to what should more than likely be common information- and the craft roughly tilted upwards. After a few seconds they evened out, the water surrounding them having lightened greatly. Twilight could actually see the surface far above them, glistening in the the ending sunrise.
Had they really been traveling this long? Twilight had left her house a little after noon, and it hadn't felt like it had been that long. She had been unconscious for a time, but it hadn't felt that long…
“Trouble is,” Gaige continued, either not noticing Twilights inner confusion or simply outright dismissing it, “The place where she lives isn't the most conducive to delicate machinery. I could fit her with a more heavy duty model, but she preferred the ability to walk with discretion over walking with a badass swagger.”
Twilight goggled at her choice of words, trying to piece together her true meaning. Obviously she didn't mean she wanted to put an evil donkeys leg on her patient… Right? She could be talking about putting a donkey's leg on another donkey, but how would that make it ‘heavy duty’? What about insinuating it was evil? Twilight pushed these concerns aside, there was probably some sort of miscommunication happening that she wasn't able to see through.
“Still, wear and tear occur normally just from her walking around. I keep on having to come back every month or so just to give it a tune up. Otherwise the silly thing gets all jerky and uncontrollable. I could just install some graviton pulse generators to ‘repulse’ certain contaminates, but again that would force the limb to balloon to obviously modified proportions. Not really an option, no matter how many features I told her about,” Gaige ended on a long, drawn out sigh as she gave the leftmost control stalk another tug.
So she was making the trip for a house call? Twilight wasn't sure why SHE had to come along, as was her inclusion was just short of actively kidnapping her. Some of her friends might even still view it as such.
]“It's gotten pretty late,” Twilight commented, drawing the subjects eyes to a particular screen. Apparently it had the time somewhere on it.
“Huh, so it has,” Gaige noted in a bored tone, grasp on her previous line of conversation lost in the silence between them.
“Spike will probably be wondering where I am,” she prodded, trying to see what Gaige would have to say to this line of inquiry.
“It is far more likely that he will be in the process of waking up at this point of time, and eating some sort of sugary breakfast cereal that is unhealthy for him,” Qwerty interrupted, gaining a confused look from Twilight. “At the very least, that is the widely known stereotype of adolescents that I am drawing my conclusion from. It is quite possible that he could be baking a breakfast quiche, I personally don't know of the breakfast of adolescent drakes.”
Twilight stared at her, trying to organize her thoughts as she interpreted the words offered to her. Finally she settled on a short breathed ‘what?’, she her brain struggled to understand the robotic mares last statement.
“What do you mean, breakfast? That's the sunset,” she stated, pointing upward at the tinted light up above that had steadily gotten darker over the past few minutes. It wasn't because they were going back deeper under the water, either.
“Indeed it is. The sunset on the other side of the planet, when compared to Ponyville,” Qwerty continued, which despite remaining toneless somehow had the air of a teacher chastising a particularly dull student. Twilight for her credit didn't respond in ignorance, silently gaping at Qwerty with her jaw flapping soundlessly.
“I left him a note,” Gaige supplied breathlessly, trying to hold in her mirth.
“A… note?”
Earlier, Aproximately Three Hours After Twilights…’Kidnapping’
Spike stood stock still, staring in disbelief at the… ‘pony’ that stood before him. It certainly looked like a pony. Superficially, at the very least. His coat was an earthy brown, almost boring in its colour. His mane was a sandy blonde, plastered in an easily forgettable style. The most striking of his appearances however… Was his head. Spike couldn't tell for certain, but it looked… almost too big. And considering how much larger most ponies were than himself, that was saying something.
Stretched across his face was a perpetual smile, unbroken except by the delivery of certain words.
“So Twilight is…”
“Taking a short trip!” The earthen stallion replied with an undeniable cheer. “She most certainly expresses her sadness at being unable to bring you with her, but fear not! I am here to supervise you for the princess, to accommodate and care for your needs and safety!”
“Riiiiiiight,” Spike replied in a drawn out tone, unsure as to his actual motivations. The fact that the stallion claimed he was here on orders of Princess Celestia… Or even on Princess Luna's order would be easily proven or disproven. All he had to do was get away for a minute -perhaps for a bathroom break- and send a letter to the princess for clarification.
It wasn't out of the question for Twilight to arrange for a babysitter, especially on short notice. She had done this before. But the timing simply struck Spike as odd, what with the recent altercation they had with Ponyvilles newest resident. True, it had taken place in Canterlot, but that was semantics.
“So you're supposed to be my… Babysitter?” Spike asked, trying to glean as much information as he could from the strange stallion.
The smile faltered, before returning in full force. “Do not be silly, Master Spike. According to my records, you are only four years younger than Twilight Sparkle. A baby in dragon terms, but you live in Ponyville, do you not? A baby only in semantics. I am your, your, your, your, your, your, your-”
Spike watched on in horrified fascination as the stallion repeated the word… repeatedly. His distinctly larger head twitched with every utterance, finally giving a tremendous jerk as he completed his sentence.
“-Chaperone! Yes, chaperone. A minder in name, but more of an assistant to help avoid deleterious scenarios!”
Spike stared at him for a couple seconds, resolving to get that letter off as soon as possible. This stallion just reeked of bad intentions.
“I have dinner cooking in the oven, a mixed dish incorporating some sapphires we had lying around…”
Spike twitched, his eyes widening as his spine snapped ramrod straight.
“I had some left over after preparation, so I made muffins!”
Spike stared at the tray of pastries swung in front of his face, lightly drooling beyond his ability to control himself.
“By the way, where are my manners? I am Normal. You can call me Norm!” the stallion declared, his smile stretching his face ever wider.
Spike reached forward, plucking a muffin off the tray.
Maybe he could hold off on sending the princess a letter. Twilight couldn't be in too much trouble, right?
Back To The Present With Gaige And Her Super Friends…
“Yeah! Sorta. He’s smart, he’ll figure it out,” Gaige offered, redirecting her attention to the controls in front of her.
“But… it can’t have been more than an hour or two!” Twilight complained. Gaige stiffened in her seat, surprise filtering across her face.
“Wait, we’re still going?” Gaige mumbled. “But we had a kickass flashback scene and everything…”
Twilight stared at her, head tilting against her will as her confusion washed over her.
“...What?”
Gaige continued to stare back at her, before she let out an embarrassed cough. “So you maaaaaaay have slept a bit longer than I told you…”
“...What.”
“Like, totally not my fault, but you just looked so peaceful laying there…”
“...Whaaaaaat.”
“And I might have administered a bit of a sleeping agent?”