Chief Medical Officer's Log
Stardate: Unknown
Jim annoys me. I mean, he literally does. He thinks saving this planet will help in foreign relations. How will it help if you crash a starship on their planet?!? I've also been getting some scattered reports that they say Kirk has undergone sexual intercourse within the previous week and a half. They're starting to say he screwed Celestia to get her to change her stance on the Federation. How will that accomplish anything?!?! She's not going to bear any children from you!! Dammit man, I ask too many questions about that man. We got two new cases of Equinlogartus yesterday. Most of our crew have been exposed to this planet for long enough that they're starting to turn into horses themselves. Spock has gotten some strange blue hair growing out of his Mastoid Bone region behind his ear. I don't think he could live with being a horse. It'd be too 'illogical' for him. Knowing him, he'd probably illogical himself to death in the process. If there is such a thing. Crew morale has been lower than average after figuring out our only way of escape, the U.S.S. Endurance crashed because of some stupid horse shooting it down and then threatening to destroy Canterlot. Scotty is helping the warp core of the Enterprise to get back online. I really hate the fact that this happened to US and not anybody else but, at least we aren't losing any crew; they're just turning into horses. God help me. I'm going crazy. Get me off of this infernal wasteland.
I sit the Chief Medical Officer's Log down on my desk and look around the room. On almost all of the operating tables, beds, and examination tables lay someone with a hoof, horn, or a wing growing out of someplace on their body; squirming from the pain.
I shake my head and get up from my chair. I continue out into the hall. The hallway is dark except for the flashlights being carried by crew members and the sunlight poking through the spaces in the hull which hadn't been patched up yet. I was watching as one was covered and the sound of welding torches blasted through.
Then, all was quiet.
I walked to the deck one conference room and got there right as Kirk finished his sentence to Celestia about what they could use to get rid of a 'Nightmare Moon.'
Who the heck is Nightmare Moon? And why is it any bother to me? I thought to myself. I shook off the idea and continued into the conference room. I spoke up to Kirk and said,
"Jim, Is it true?"
He turned toward me and said,
"Is what true?"
"Did you really induce intercourse with her?"
"Can we change the subject, Bones?"
"Is it?"
"My business is my business. I was just doing what was needed to save everypony."
"To save everypony? What kind of word is that?"
"Horse puns." Kirk stamped his foot. "I've been on this planet for so long that I've started using them. Bones, go to the Med Bay. I require a check up after this meeting.
So, i nod to Celestia and hurried down to the Med Bay. Kirk came in 5 minutes later, grinning like a lunatic.
"What's the happy face for, Jim?" I ask him.
"Well, Celestia asked me if we could have dinner sometime."
"You're not actually going to stay on this planet, are you?"
Kirk's expression loosened a little.
"Do you think she's actually going to make me do that?"
"I don't know, Jim. Pardon my use of puns here but, mares can be unpredictable sometimes. Now open wide, I need to see your Uvula."
Kirk opened wide and I checked his Uvula. I'd figured out that is the first thing that changes before horns, wings, and hooves stat popping out.
"Nope, looks to be normal." I scanned my Tricorder over him. "It still says you've 'done it' in the past week. I don't like it, Kirk. The fact you've got better relations with the females than the rest of us men do ever."
Just then, Carol Marcus, Admiral Marcus's daughter, limped into the Med Bay with an orange leg and a rainbow tail.
"Doctor! Don't just stand there! DO SOMETHING!" She said, exasperated.
"If I knew a cure, I would but, there's no cure so, i can't."
She replied by saying,
"WELL, FIND ONE!"
I turned to Kirk and said,
"Now, how in the hell does she expect me to do that?"
Kirk just shrugged.
So, for the next day and a half, I researched all possible causes of this disease and found one that i believed caused it. So, I called up the medical officers into my office and gave them the news.
"So, I have found what caused this disease. One, almost everybody that came in contact with the planet's surface; with the exception of Kirk and I, has this disease. Also, the infected have acquired a taste for only fruits and vegetables. No animal protein at all so, give them meat and then to finish the curing process, we need to leave the planet's atmosphere within 7 days. Got that? Now, go cook some fish, beef, pork, ham, chicken, or turkey and feed to the patients." I told them.
The most idiotic story ever told in the history of mankind
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So, afterwards, I decided to get some fresh air because the dirty air inside of the Enterprise was getting to my brain and causing me to start talking to myself. I got outside and found the morning air to be cool and there was a layer of very dense fog around the ship. I spotted Sulu sitting under a pop-up tent near a bunch of apple trees. I went over to where he was and found him monitoring the fluctuation of the warp core energy; searching for magnetic differences that show a certain pony is taking said energy.
"So, have any of those ponies taken the Enterprise's power?" I ask him.
"No. Not yet. There's not really anything to do so, would you like to hear one of my fencing stories?" Sulu replied.
I shrugged. There really wasn't anything much we could do until Scotty got Dilithium crystals. This planet didn't have any crystals so, the only thing to do was go to the Endurance's warp core to retrieve them. Checkhov did that so, nothing to do there. So, Sulu's fencing stories it was.
"Sure." I replied.
So, he began to weave a story about one time when he and his friend Kim Chi were fighting without masks when the tip of Kim's epee got shoved up his nose. He seemed to think it was mighty hilarious. My opinion?
That was the most idiotic story ever told in the history of mankind.
So, after he finishes his storytime, I get up and decide to walk to this litle town over the crest of this hill called Ponyville.
When I get there, the town seems quiet except for a few ponies all walking in the same direction, most likely towards the town square so, I grab my Tricorder off my toolbelt and follow them to the it. I find Kirk near the back of the crowd so, I go stand by him and say,
"I haven't seen Celestia since you were in the conference room. Also, I noticed something."
"What is it, Bones?" He replied.
"The sun is moving backwards. It seems to be getting darker."
Up on stage, a mare who looks to be town mayor says,
"In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria... ...Princess Celestia!"
The pony that appeared on stage was definitely not Princess Celestia. Kirk pulled out his Phaser as the pony said,
"Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious little sun-loving faces. Why, am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am? Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years? Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs? Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last forever!"
Then, she teleports away to God knows where.
Kirk looks at me and says,
"I think we may have just found Nightmare Moon."
"I just met her and I already don't like her."
So, we went back to the Enterprise and went to the bridge. That's when Kirk's communicator lit up. He flipped it open and said,
"What is it, Scotty?"
"You are never going to believe this, Captain." Scotty replied.
"What am I never going to believe?"
"Wait for it... wait for it..." That's when the power turned back on and the Bussard Ramscoops began pushing air into the Lexington Airscoops and began fueling the warp core.
"Way to go, Scotty, I knew you could do it!"
"Thank you, Captain."
So, with the power back on, we got the crew back to the Enterprise and lifted off. Now that phase two of Celestia and Kirk's plan had been dealt with, on to phase three, defeating Nightmare Moon. (Let's also just not talk about what happened in phase one.) So, we rose over Ponyville, dropping clods of dirt like an old World War 2 bomber, and flew off towards Canterlot. Upon arriving, we stopped and watched as ponies began walking towards the edge to catch a glimpse of the infamous Enterprise. That's when Sulu blurted out,
"Proximity alert, sir. Unknown vessel heading straight for us."
"I don't see anything, Mr. Sulu." Jim replied.
"Well, the ship says its there because the Equestrians put something on our sensor dish that can detect something beyond the visible spectrum."
"Like a Klingon cloaking device?"
A Klingon D-7 class battlecruiser appeared on the viewscreen.
"Precisely, Captain."
"Hail them, Uhura."
"Aye-aye, Captain. Opening hailing frequencies, now." Uhura said.
Nightmare moon appears on the viewscreen and says,
"Hello, James T., Nice to meet you again; I hope you die."
"I hope you do, too. So, I won't have to look at your ugly face."
Nightmare Moon gasped along with the rest of the bridge crew.
Insulting an enemy? That's not something you should do, even to somebody who has taken away your ruler for the time being. I looked at where the Battlecruiser was on Spock's visual and saw that it wasn't over canterlot so, i suggested to Jim that we should destroy it now. He looked at Uhura and said,
"Cut transmission."
Nightmare moon popped off screen and Kirk said,
"Sulu, Fire everything we've got."
Phaser banks opened up along with Photon and Long-Range torpedoes. As the D-7 blew up, the bridge crew cheered and then the cheering stopped abruptly as Scotty came over the intercom almost yelling,
"SHE'S ON BOARD, CAPTAIN!!!!!!!!!
So, Kirk, Spock and I went to the engineering hull and found Nightmare Moon feeding off of the warp core's power. A redshirt tried to stop her but got impaled by her horn, killing him. Kirk and Spock ran up to her and tried to stop her but, got pinned down in the process.
Knowing I had to violate my Hippocratic Oath to do anything, I decided that with all the stuff happening in the past 6 years, My wife dumping me, Vulcan getting destroyed, Kahn destroying Starfleet Headquarters, me saving Kirk's life, us getting a new ship and crashing it on this planet, I decided at that moment that some rules are meant to be broken to save your friends. I frantically searched for something to throw at her and I found a pipe so, i stepped into her line of vision and threw it. She caught it in her magic and threw it away like it was nothing.
"You know, McCoy, I really liked you. You were the nice one. Now, I'm going to have to kill you." She said as her horn dropped down into a jousting position. "Are you ready to die?"
I shook my head.
"Damn shame." She said as she started galloping towards me.
I saw Kirk slide a phaser towards me and i bent down and picked it up. Upon doing so, I pointed it at Nightmare Moon and fire a burst of stun shots. They hit her, knocking her out int the process. Even before she hit the ground, she had turned into another pony. This time, an blue alicorn with light blue hair.
By the ime she woke up, we had already taken her down to Canterlot and returned Celestia there also.
I went to bed that night knowing I had done something right.
The very next day, near noon, we beamed down to Canterlot and decided to roam the city and get a souvenir from our time on this planet. We went into the first shop we saw, a little family run business named Hoof Hearted. Inside, they had crazy looking knick-knacks and doodads like an old time phonograph. The colt behind the counter looked at me and said somthing like,
"That's the human who defeated Nightmare Moon."
Then, a royal guardsman came into the shop, panting, and said,
"You, human doctor! Celestia requires your aid!"
My natural instinct kicked in and I ran to the castle with Kirk, Spock, and the royal guardsman hot on my heels. When I got there, I opened the door to cheering.
"Doctor McCoy, come here." Celestia said as the room fell quiet.
Acknowledging her, I walked down the carpet and stood below her on the floor.
Up on her podium, Celestia continued,
"Leonard Horatio McCoy, M.D. was the man who relieved Equestria and I of a burden we had to face. My sister, Princess Luna and I are grateful for him saving us as are the rest of you. His exceptional gallantry will not go unnoticed, so, Leonard, for excetional gallantry in the face of danger and in the name of Equestria, I present you with the prestigious Celestial Medal Of Honor. May the stars always be guiding your way, Leonard." She said." And as for you, Kirk."
Kirk ran up beside me.
"I will sign the peace treaty and become part of the Federation.I had these made especially for this occasion."
She gestured to the side of the room as giant banners unfurled. On them, the United Federation of Planets logo shone brightly in 24 Kt gold embroidery.
I looked at Kirk.
"How did you get her to agree?"
He smiled.
"I have my ways." He said.
"I know exactly what that means..."
"You are correct in your stating of that because that's exactly what I did." He gestured to Celestia.
After the signing of the peace treaty, Kirk, Spock, and I beamed back up to the Enterprise. The next morning, the Enterprise was shooting back towards the stars, ready to go on her next big adventure.
Wherever that may take her.
But, still, unknown to her the dangers she may find at that destination. Even so, she will do it, from now till the end, boldly going where no man; no one has, is, or would ever... dare to go.
The End.
