First Chapter of Our Glorious Leader
There is a fact concerning Equestria: the sun always rises at a little after six in the morning. This is because Celestia usually wakes up right after six in the morning to go about her royal duties. (Fortunately, she also goes to sleep at about seven, otherwise she’d be really cranky.)
Which left everypony wondering why it was light out at three in the morning.
“SISTER! We have come to request that you join us in the divine art of MINECRAFT! We have particularly good ideas for an AUTOMATED MOB FARM!” Celestia failed to realize it was three hours earlier than normal until the sun was already at high noon.
“Luna…what time is it?”
“Adventure Time!”
Why do I even ask… Celestia rolled out of bed and slipped into her gold horseshoes, barely awake enough to tell the left ones from the right. She teleported to the hall, realized she’d forgotten her necklace, and walked back into her room, looking rather put out.
Luna was already in her pitch-black room, attempting to play on two servers at once.
“Luna!” shouted Celestia. “It’s supposed to be three in the morning, and now it’s noon. While I appreciate the offer, I need to keep within a certain schedule!”
“Can’t hear you,” replied Luna. “The creeper has blown up my house again! I shall seek revenge!”
Chapter One-Point-One: In Which Celestia Suffers from Insomnia
After removing the sun from the night sky, Celestia went back to her room and majestically lowered herself into bed.
She closed her eyes and tried to sleep.
“Derpy! What hast thou done with the royal Sharpness Five sword?!”
“I just dunno what went wrong, Luna!”
“Why does it have but THREE DURABILITY REMAINING?”
“It was like this when I got it, I swear!”
Celestia shut her door, barricaded it, locked the windows, and cast a protective bubble around her bed.
“There…sleep shall come easily now…”
“TO HAY WITH YOU, ZOMBIES! TASTE MY FLAME II!!”
Celestia cast a second protection and stuffed a pillow over her head.
“DERPY, NO, DON’T GO THROUGH THERE!”
One pillow became three.
“DIE, ENDER DRAGON! IF WE DIE, DERPY, THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”
“Sorry!”
Celestia teleported to the Zecora’s house in the Everfree forest.
“Please, tell me that you have a bed ready,” she said to the sleepy zebra.
“Have a bed I do, Princess, but only one, no more, no less.”
Celestia sighed.
“I’ll take it.”
Chapter One-Point-Two: In Which Celestia Eats Breakfast
Celestia returned to the castle to find that Luna had prepared breakfast. “Thank you, sister,” she said upon seeing Luna. “I suppose it compensates for the lack of sleep I have suffered from.”
“Yeah, well, if Bon Bon hadn’t set fire to the house and lost all the beds…” Luna snickered. “It was so much fun to test the royal Power V bow on her afterwards…”
Celestia took no notice of her sister’s indecipherable chatter, instead focusing on the meal in front of her. “Waffles?” she asked. “But we do not have a waffle iron.”
“Pinkie brought hers over. She helped bake them,” replied Luna.
Celestia looked down at her waffles.
“I guess that does explain why the waffles are colored like Rainbow Dash.”
Chapter One-Point-Three: In Which Celestia Goes on a Walk around the Canterlot Gardens
The Canterlot gardens are known for their exquisite artwork, incredible view of the castle, and rich history.
It was through these gardens that Celestia decided to take a morning walk, to clear her still-slightly-drowsy head.
“I never really took the time to walk around here before,” she said to herself, admiring the magnificent white marble statues. “At least, not since the Discord incident…” She eventually came across a rather curious statue in the corner of the garden.
It wasn’t blinding white and majestic, like the others. Instead, it was a dull gray. The statue was of a pony with a broken horn and a limp, lifeless mane, brushed over one side like a wet tissue. The pony appeared to have slightly darker stripes, like a zebra, as well as a cutie mark in the shape of a single, gray circle, with no distinct markings whatsoever. As a whole, the statue conveyed an overpowering sense of boredom bordering on depression.
“Wow,” said Celestia. “Why would anypony construct such a depressing work of art?”
A crack appeared in the leg of the statue.
Chapter One-Point-Four: In Which Celestia Investigates a Disturbing Claim
“You’re sure you can do something about it?” asked Twilight.
Celestia nodded. “It shouldn’t take more than an hour.”
“Good,” replied Twilight. “I was worried for a second. But whatever you do, don’t open the box! For Celestia’s—your—sake, don’t open it!”
“Very well,” replied Celestia. “But what is that powder in the corner?”
“Um…baking soda? Pinkie was over.”
“Oh.”
Celestia cast a magical search spell. A map of Equestria appeared, which then shrank to a map of Ponyville, then to a map of the five or six houses surrounding Twilight’s.
A red dot appeared on one of the trees outside the library.
“Thanks so much, Princess!” said Twilight. “Could you…uh…go get it? I don’t want to be caught—I mean, I have some books to rearrange!”
Celestia gave Twilight a look, then trotted out of the library and retrieved a black package tied up with twine from a hole near the tree.
She was about to hand it to Twilight when Spike suddenly burst out of nowhere, exclaiming, “Twilight! The princess is coming! You’d better hide the—“
The box flew to the ground and its contents spilled everywhere.
“Oh, no, oh, no, no, no…” Twilight rushed outside and attempted to scoop everything back into the box. “You didn’t see anything!”
Celestia picked up one of the packets.
“Twilight? I wasn’t aware you stole sugar from restaurants.”
“I like it on my hayburgers, okay?!”
Chapter One-Point-Five: In Which Celestia Fills In
“The pencils are over there, the rulers there, and if anypony asks to use the restroom during a test, say no, okay?”
“I’m sure it won’t be a problem,” replied Celestia.
“Oh, thank you,” replied Cheerilee. “Do you know how hard it is to find a decent substitute, what with everypony off doing things all the time?”
This was supposed to be my day off, thought Celestia.
“It’ll only be for an hour while I go to an important meeting with Sweetie Belle’s sister Rarity,” said Cheerilee. “She tried bungee jumping from the top of the flagpole to get her cutie mark! Come to think of it, how’d she get up there in the first place…”
Cheerilee left the room, and Celestia walked to the front of the class, stooping to avoid embedding her horn in the normal-height-for-most-ponies-but-extremely-low-for-Celestia ceiling.
“Hello, class, my name is—“
“CELESTIA?! The Princess Celestia?! Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!”
Celestia was immediately surrounded by a dozen young fillies.
“Will you sign my math notes?”
“Why do your hooves smell funny?”
“Is that your real mane?”
“Does it hurt to raise the sun every morning?”
“Did you ever get your horn stuck in a door? I did once.”
“Your wings feel like velvet!”
“I’ll pay you money to come to my next birthday party!”
“Could you do a pose? I wanna take a picture.”
“Could you use your magic to give me my cutie mark?!”
Big Macintosh suddenly appeared in Celestia’s stead, with a note floating down from the place where she’d vanished from.
“Just lock the doors and keep them ALL inside this building. –Celestia”
Chapter One-Point-Six: In Which Celestia Goes to the Spa
Celestia decided that the best place to erase the memories of the morning was at the spa, which was currently giving away free massages to anypony who went for the mud bath and the seaweed wrap.
“I’ll just have…” Celestia scrolled down the scroll, reading the options.
“Everything, please.”
“That’ll be—“ The secretary looked up and saw who she was talking to.
“Free! Completely free! In fact, feel free to take as much as you want from the tip jar on your way out!”
Celestia removed her formal attire and sank into the steaming hot tub.
“Ahhh…I wonder why I don’t come here more often?”
“Celestia? Is that you?”
Rarity lowered herself in next to the princess.
“Forgive my enthusiasm, but I’m not used to seeing you here, your highness!”
“Celestia is fine.”
“Celestia! In fact, I thought that the castle had its own spa? Did they get rid of that? Oh, if they did, please tell them to bring it back. It was simply delightful!”
“No, I was just in the neighborhood.”
“Oh, good! Say, do you think you could have them lower the price a bit? I don’t really want to have to save up five hundred bits every time…”
“The spa is free.”
“Really? Than who was I paying…?”
Celestia rose out of the hot tub, and Rarity immediately turned away.
“What? Is there soap in my mane?”
“No, sorry, it’s just that I’ve never seen you…disrobed…before.”
Celestia looked down at herself.
“All I did was take off my necklace and horseshoes…”
Chapter One-Point-Seven: In Which Celestia Helps Out
“Celestia! Didn’t see ya there! What can I do for you?”
Celestia walked onto Sweet Apple Acres, basking in the scent of fresh apple fritters.
“I was simply taking a walk to relax,” she replied. “What a lovely scent! Are those freshly baked?”
“Sure are,” replied Applejack. “But they’re not done. We still need a few more apples for the sauce. Big Mac’s gone mysteriously missing—“ Celestia tried not to blush “—and Applebloom’s gone off with her friends to get their cutie marks in—eurgh—a hazmat team.”
“I wouldn’t mind helping out,” said Celestia. “It wouldn’t hurt to try something new once in a while.”
"I'm not insultin' ya, but do you know how to buck apples, Princess?"
Celestia shrugged. "I enjoy trying new things. What could happen?"
------One Hour Later------
“I think we might need the Cutie Mark Crusaders Hazmat Team,” said Applejack, desperately defending herself with a nasty-looking pitchfork covered in maple syrup and raisins.
Chapter One-Point-Eight: In Which Celestia Has Lunch
Once the airships were swept away and the sinkhole filled with raspberries, Celestia decided it was time for lunch.
“Excuse me, could you recommend a place for lunch?”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders put down their glue guns and looked up at the princess.
Sweetie Belle grew a smile that almost caused a timberwolf that was lurking nearby to have a heart attack.
“I might know a place…”
Soon Celestia was sitting in a slightly sticky booth at the Hayburger, waiting for her Triple Clopper and side of fries. As she took a moment to stare at her reflection in the mirrored walls of the diner, Sweetie Belle stood outside, selling 100-bit tickets to enter the restaurant.
Celestia’s order arrived just as Diamond Tiara managed to fork nearly thirty thousand bits over to the Crusaders in exchange for the booth next to Celestia.
Celestia picked up the burger and turned it around, trying to decide which side would be the best to bite into.
As soon as her teeth touched the crispy bun, nearly two hundred photographs were taken in the course of four seconds.
Half an hour and five bits for the meal later, Celestia walked outside to find the front of the restaurant transformed into a red carpet leading to a magnificent stage with the name “Rarity and Co.” engraved on the side.
“Borrowed my sister’s stage,” said Sweetie Belle. “Ready for your makeup and perm?”
Celestia considered freeing the Jabberwocky from the peanut butter and honey.
Then she remembered what had happened to Granny Smith’s walker.
Chapter One-Point-Nine: In Which Celestia Goes to Sleep
The rest of the day passed as usual; Celestia wandered around Ponyville, occasionally stopping to have a quick chat (which was usually started with a chorus of “Your Majesty!”) Celestia barely noticed as Luna raised the moon up over the mountains.
“I suppose I should get back to Canterlot,” she said to herself, flying off.
When she returned, the moon was in orbit and Luna was back on her 720-TB Intail Pro Triple Plus Premium Heavy Duty Platinum PC with about thirty welded-on mods to improve graphics and performance. In another room, thirty unicorns worked tirelessly to produce an electric current strong enough to power it (and also strong enough to vaporize a small mountain).
“Can’t talk, leveling up,” said Luna. “Good to see you too, sister,” replied Celestia.
Celestia had dinner in Luna’s room, watching her attempt to defeat a Level 185 boss and subsequently earn the rights to the super-rare-limited-edition Maximum Diamond Set, including the Temporal Ultimate Devastator Blade of Infinity. She resorted to headphones after about two minutes in order to avoid the debilitating deafness caused by the Royal Equestrian Voice shouting vulgarity at every 200+ damage attack Luna was forced to endure.
It was eight o’ clock when Celestia dragged herself over to the Royal Canterlot Shower (as was carved on the door in what looked like blood by Luna, after downing an entire barrel of cider upon defeating the Wither Boss.) The shower was almost as regal as the castle’s exterior, consisting of an indoor waterfall carved out of solid gold.
After a long and refreshing shower, Celestia finally got into bed, lowering the sun from her window.
“My loyal friends! Welcome back to the virtual world of Pony Fighter II! Prepare to face my piledriver!”
“Perhaps it is time my dear sister got her own home,” said Celestia.