Match Of the Century
Nightshine Stargaze’s Ambition
Nightshine Stargaze sat on his bed, excitedly scanning the various papers and doodads strewn about. Finally, after a dull summer week of thinking, planning, and sneaking junk food when his mom wasn’t looking, he had completed his master plan to do the unthinkable: beat up Princess Celestia!
Why? Well, because he’s got nothing better to do, of course.
“This is perfect!” Nightshine muttered, his horn glowing with eager energy. “I’ve got everything I need to make this happen! My inevitable ‘What I did over summer vacation’ essay will beat all the others by a long shot! All I need now is to get to the princess, and I have the perfect plan for that…”
“…Hey Mom, could you take me to Canterlot?” the unicorn called out.
“Mommy’s busy with poison joke, dear, don’t disturb her,” a voice responded.
Nightshine gave a sigh. “Okay, time for plan B then…”
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As the moon rose after a long day’s ruling, Princess Celestia lied on her throw pillow, looking over Twilight’s latest letter:
Dear Princess Celestia:
Is it weird to feel worried when everything’s fine? I’ve gone through a whole week so far with absolutely no problems happening whatsoever. Everything fit into my schedules exactly, just like I always dreamed! Why aren’t I happy then? Am I just so used to things going crazy that nothing going crazy is now crazy to me? Am I crazy? Uh, don’t answer that. Any suggestions? The last time I tried talking to Spike about a problem I was having, he pretended he was his evil twin Epiks until I let the subject drop! I swear, sometimes he makes me want to perfect that darned age spell…
Your faithful blah blah blah,
Twilight Sparkle
With a sigh, Celestia rolled up the letter and closed her eyes. Oh Twilight…you’re a wonderful pony, but sometimes I just don’t know what to do with you…and now you have me thinking about a lack of excitement happening with me too…fate always manages to surprise me, doesn’t it?
As if to confirm her observation, a knock at the door jerked her out of her train of thought. “Oh?” She approached the door and magically opened it to get a look at the visitor.
“Special delivery!” A familiar cross-eyed gray pegasus in a mail carrier’s uniform waved at the princess and pushed in a decently large box marked with URGENT on the side in what looked like crayon. “Got an urgent package for you!”
“Huh?” Celestia stared blankly. “Who is it from?”
“…Hmm, I don’t remember seeing a name on it,” the pegasus admitted. “But it was addressed to you and it said urgent, so I flew it over as fast as I could!”
“I see…thank you kindly for your diligence, my little pony.”
“Hey, they don’t call me [INSERT PREFERED FAN NAME HERE] for nothing!” the pegasus said with a salute. “Welp, see you later, Your Highness! I’ve got plenty of other plot-convenient packages to deliver!” With that, she flew off to parts unknown.
Puzzled, Celestia gave the box another once-over to try and find some more clues, but to no avail. Hmm…I suppose there is only one way to find out… With that, she magically opened the side of the box, causing a unicorn colt with tan fur and a dark mane to spill out along with a large knapsack and an empty apple juice box.
“Ow!” The colt rubbed his head. “I should have seen that coming…” He trailed off as he looked up and noticed the princess staring curiously at him. Wow…she’s even bigger in person than I expected…hey, come on Nightshine, don’t lose your nerve now! You’ve been planning this for a whole week! You can’t let that go to waste!
“Um, excuse me, little one? Who might you be and why were you in a package?”
The princess’s inquiring voice jerked Nightshine out of his stupor. “I…uh, well…I’m Nightshine, and I’m a really big fan of you and wanted to meet you so badly! I…I guess I got a little ahead of myself, huh?”
Celestia couldn’t help but giggle at that. “That’s quite alright, my little Nightshine. Admiration can drive one to do some crazy actions, after all. You do of course realize I’ll have to send you home and contact your parents about this, right?”
Nightshine sighs and looks down. “Yeah, I understand…but before you do that…could I please please please have your autograph?” He used his magic to open a knapsack pocket and pull out a rolled-up picture of Celestia at a tea party.
Celestia giggled and magically unrolled the picture. “Of course! I always appreciate a fan. Just let me get a quill…” With that she headed over to her desk with the picture to search for a quill. “Now, what would you like me to write?”
“Oh, um…” The colt opened his knapsack and searched inside it. “Just write ‘to the best best best sun-loving unicorn colt with a night-themed name and a star-shaped cutie mark in all of Equestria I think, here’s to a life of love and harmony and friendship and everything else great and wonderful and whatever in the world ever!” While he rambled, he took out a pair of hedge clippers and readied them. He had gotten them enchanted by Twilight the other day so they could cut through anything, telling her that his father needed them like that to deal with a particularly vexing magic vine problem. The fact that there was such a problem at the time was merely convenience.
“Hehe, alright, little one…still less than half the size of the autograph Twilight wanted as a filly…” She took out a quill and began writing out the convoluted autograph request, unaware of what her so-called fan was planning.
While she was distracted, Nightshine used his magic to bring the clippers up to Celestia’s horn so she wouldn’t notice. Without her magic, she won’t be able to stop my beat down so easily…alright, it’s show time! With that, he snapped the clippers together and her horn was severed clean. Gotcha!
“AH!” Celestia yelped out in pain and alarm, the quill falling as she lost her magical grasp. “W-what?!” She stared at the horn now lying on her desk, then turned to Nightshine in disbelief. “Why would you-MMM!” She was interrupted by three rolls of duct tape magically rolling around her eyes, mouth and wings.
“Aha! I got you now!” Nightshine cried out in triumph, levitating two baseball bats out of his backpack. “Get ready to be beaten up by a kid!” He then swung the bats at her, one aiming for her legs and the other for her head. Unfortunately for him, she could hear the bats swinging at her and ducked her head to dodge one of them and dashed to avoid the other, though she still got a hoof struck by the second bat.
Ah! My goodness…this is no kid…this is a demon in a kid’s body! I can’t let him take down the kingdom! With that, she charged at Nightshine and swung her hooves at him, but Nightshine was quick and rolled out of the way then used his magic to swing a bat and slam her crotch. The pain was bad enough to get her to stagger and let out some choice words that would probably get her in trouble if the tape weren’t muffling them beyond comprehension.
“Yes! Bulls-eye! Now to lay the smackdown!” With that, he swung the two bats at her body repeatedly like a piñata, wearing her down steadily.
I can’t believe this…I’m being beaten up by a little demon…no! You are a princess of Equestria…you can’t go out like this! Concentrating as hard as she could with two bats continuously hitting her, she gathered up the magic in her body, causing it to glow brilliantly.
Whoa…why’s she glowing? Wait…oh, horseapples, the plan didn’t account for... Just then, a great explosion of light and magic emanated from her, causing Nightshine and everything else in the room to be sent flying, the tape on her body to incinerate, and her room to be reduced to shambles. Pro tip…never underestimate the power of a princess.
Nightshine cowered in both fear and pain in the corner as Celestia got up and strode over to the colt, a fierce glare on her face that could give Fluttershy a run for her money. “You…I don’t know what your quarrel with me is or why you’ve gone to such lengths to attempt to depose me so violently…but I won’t allow anyone to destroy Canterlot or its rulers and bring the citizens of Equestria into ruin! Especially not somepony as twisted as you,” she declared, pressing a hoof heavily onto Nightshine’s body, keeping him in place. “Any last words, heathen?”
“Ah…ah…th…that was…the coolest thing ever!”
Celestia stopped and stared at Nightshine in bafflement. “Excuse me?”
“Th-that was such a rush!” Nightshine gushed, ignoring his fractured hoof as he pumped it. “I’ve never gone through anything so exciting before in my whole life! I mean, I almost beat up a freaking princess! And when you did that explosion thing, that…that was wow! What an awesome trick! I did NOT see that coming! I wish I could do something like that! So awesome!” He gave an incredibly manly squeal at the end of that spiel.
Celestia looked around in bafflement as if looking for a hidden camera that might have somehow survived the explosion. “I…I don’t understand…weren’t you trying to kill me? Why are you happy about this?”
“Wha-kill you?! Why would I do that? I just wanted to beat you up cause I thought it’d be fun! And it was! Way more fun then pretending to be a horse like I tried a while back! Even if I’m grounded for the rest of my life, it’ll all have been worth it!”
The princess kept staring. In all my years watching over Equestria, I’ve never encountered a situation like this before…at least I can’t complain about lack of excitement anymore… “Um…well…I commend your enthusiasm, I suppose…I’m amazed you were able to do the level of damage you did to me in the first place…how old are you exactly?”
“Oh, I’m nine and a half! Th-thank you!” Nightshine said, his heart glowing with the princess’s praise. “So does this mean I’m not in trouble?”
Celestia burst into merry laughter, which Nightshine joined in until she gave him an icy glare amidst the laughter. “Oh, you poor naïve colt…you didn’t really think much about what would happen after this part, did you?”
Nightshine gulped and cowered instinctively. Welp, it’s been a good childhood…I just hope my mom doesn’t bring my baby pictures to the funeral…
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“…And done! Finally!” Nightshine put down the chalk and he collapsed on the floor, his legs and horn aching like crazy. He had just finished writing “I will not attack anyone out of nowhere for no reason, especially not a princess of Equestria” one million times on a magically scrolling chalkboard, and boy was it boring. He couldn’t remember how long exactly he’s been at it, but he was pretty sure he had missed a birthday. He was ticked about not being allowed to celebrate it, but then, he did almost maim a princess; Equestria did have to have some tough love, after all.
“Ah, I see you’ve finally finished.” He turned and saw none other than Princess Celestia approach him, her horn having healed to its former glory by this time because magic. “Have you learned your lesson, little one?”
“Yes, Princess Celestia,” Nightshine said wearily, finding the floor rather fascinating. “Sorry again for attacking you like that.”
“Apology accepted, my little pony.” Celestia put a hoof under his chin and used it to move his head so they were looking eye-to-eye. “There’s always a chance for redemption, after all…why do you think I gave Discord of all people a second chance?”
“I dunno…why did you want to in the first place, anyway?”
Celestia simply laughed at that. “My my, you certainly are a curious one, aren’t you? So, now that your punishment is over…um…would you like to fight again?”
Nightshine stared blankly. “…Excuse me?”
“Don’t get me wrong, it certainly wasn’t pleasant to be attacked out of nowhere, but…I have to admit, it was pretty exciting…I mean, I never expected a foal of all people to give me as much of a run for my money! The very surprise of it just really fascinated me, I must say.”
The colt kept staring, wondering if he had missed something. “You…you actually found that…fun? Y-you’re not just trying to trick me into getting myself in trouble again?”
Celestia gave a merry giggle and ruffled his mane. “I don’t mean anything that involves clipping off horns or taping up wings, of course…maybe just a friendly spar of sorts, where we willfully fight on the same level. Like, perhaps a playful fake sword fight? That should be a safe way to have fun.”
“I…is this really happening?” Nightshine got back up, rattling his head in order to shake off both his fatigue and his confusion.
Celestia sighed and sat down in front of the colt. “Nightshine, I shall confess something to you…being a princess can be…boring and stressful at times. You remember how long and tedious writing all those lines was? Try signing forms and documents over hundreds of years.”
“Oh…wow, that really stinks…”
“A little, yes, but somepony has to do it,” Celestia assured him. “I still find time to relax, but sometimes…I do wish for a little excitement that doesn’t put those I care about in danger…or me, for that matter,” she added, giving Nightshine a cautionary look, to which he responded to with a nod and a nervous smile. “Anyway, I was hoping…perhaps this way, we could have some exciting fun without anyone getting hurt. What do you say?”
Nightshine felt a huge grin spread over his face as the news sank in. I can’t believe this! We’re actually best friends now! I’m sure there’s a messed up moral behind this, but who cares? “Th-that’d be so awesome! You are so on!”
“Excellent!” Celestia cheered, clapping her hooves excitedly. “But…let’s keep this between us, shall we? No need to cause any more alarm among the public, after all.”
Nightshine giggled and gave Celestia a hoofbump. “Deal.”
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The two ponies stood in the strange starry landscape, each magically wielding a staff and staring the other down.
“Are you ready, young Nightshine?” Celestia asked with a steely glint.
“I was born ready!” Nightshine retorted with a cocky grin.
“Very well then…en garde!”
With that, the two ponies leapt at each other, staves swinging.
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“…And that’s how I spent my summer vacation!” Nightshine concluded, putting his paper down on the teacher’s desk.
The other ponies in the classroom just stared silently at him.
“Ugh, have you been eating your mom’s leaves again?” Diamond Tiara burst out.
“Diamond Tiara, see me after class! …Again!” Cheerilee reproached her before clearing her throat and calming down. “Um, thank you for that…creative essay, Nightshine…you may sit down now…okay, who’s next?”
Nightshine sighed and returned to his desk as Twist came up and shared an essay about the new candy she came up with over the summer. As Twist began lisping words that he quickly tuned out, he spotted Celestia outside a window, who looked in and simply winked.
Cheerilee spotted her and just stared. I…what? Okay, I guess that’s as good a sign as anyway to lay off the flower coffee…when did my teaching life become so unusual?
The End