HiE. 2 English petrolheads end up in Equestria. Cue lots of swearing, sex, drugs & rock n' roll. And beer. And bikes. And hilarity.
If you go down in the woods today, bring ear protection and beer.
At the dawn of time, The Crafters were hard at work, creating the Universe as we know it. Unfortunately, even though they were deities, they weren't infallible.
When it came to Earth, they fucked up.
Join Gonzo and Skeletoid, a pair of morally questionable, borderline alcoholic stoner petrolheads as they find out about said faux-pas and end up somewhere that definitely isn't the quaint English South Coast seaside town they started in...
This story will not be taking itself too seriously, may not be updated in a timely fashion, will contain offensive language, scenes of a sexual nature, drug references, alcoholism and probably some mild violence at some point. If any of the above offends you, I suggest you do one.
As an aside, this work of fiction will quite quickly reach a point of being a 'Schroedinger's Cat'. It will, in essence, be complete, yet also incomplete, being that it's essentially a 'day in the life' affair, and life is both one grand story, but at the same time many small stories.
Chapter 1: In a galaxy... Well, in this galaxy actually...
The Crafters were busy. By golly jingo were they busy. Universe Construction wasn't something you could throw together in 6 days using a few fancy phrases and some crap you picked out of your belly button and then spend the 7th day down the pub with a few beers congratulating yourself on a job well done.
No. Universe Construction was a fucking art form. That's why The Crafters did it. The best of the best all-powerful super-intelligent beings brought together from who knows where, hired by the reclusive being we know as God, the Supreme Being, Allah, Muhammad, Ralph Richardson et al. They were given a lengthy design brief, near enough free reign (as long as nobody put together anything using nought but pure, concentrated Evil) and a set of Terra-Formers, near-indestructible metal spheres covered in runes and dimples and imbued with enough creative energy to build billions upon billions of planets, stars, asteroids, the works. You hold one of these in your hands and think it, BOOM! Done. But it's not entirely that simple. One has to know exactly what one wants in order to get it right first time. Hence the job not being given to Bodge-It and Scarper Ltd, the local rip-off merchants.
The Crafters worked tirelessly for millennia, with no holiday or paid sick leave, (the Supreme Being supplied free tea, coffee and HobNobs and promised a seriously hefty bonus as a result) putting the Universe together. Trial and error over and over, getting the formulae right, understanding what worked best and why. Countless galaxies with untold solar systems were born, they created black holes (the Universe's waste disposal units. Well, the scrap had to go somewhere...), white holes, star constellations, base elements, the beginnings of intelligent life... It was all carefully crafted, finished down to the last molecule and polished until it shone, figuratively speaking. Like I said, a fucking art form.
But do please take note, for this next part is of the utmost importance: Terra-Formers are NEAR-indestructible. They carry a warning, an engraving in large, red letters. Something along the lines of 'DO NOT DROP ON A FORMING PLANET - OVERLOAD WILL OCCUR!' Something to do with the planet's raw energy being in flux and mixing in a Very Bad Way with the energy stored within the TF unit. The bigger the planet being formed, the bigger the mess.
This is where things got a little out of hand. And why The Crafters aren't about any more. You see, there were meant to be a few more than just the one planet that would straight away support and host the beginnings of intelligent life, but one of The Crafters got a wee bit cocky when he was putting Earth together in front of some of his peers and, you guessed it, dropped the ball...
"Oi lads, check this out!" He called, bouncing the TF Unit from one knee to the other, then up onto the back of his neck before rolling it along his outstretched arms. A few of his colleagues cheered him on, quite impressed with his balance and hand-eye coordination.
The 'sensible' one, however, had to go and jinx it... "Err, you might not wanna do that, mate. Impressive as your tricks are, there's a chance you could drop... it..."
Everyone watched in abject terror, slack-jawed and speechless as it fell towards the forming planet. One of those slow-motion moments as you face your impending doom, with everything you wish you'd said or done scrolling through your mind's eye like film credits on fast-forward.
"OH FUUUU-!" BOOOOM
Poor bastards never stood a chance. The explosion turned them to atoms instantly, rolling out wards throughout the Universe like a tidal wave of fire and killing any living being in it's wake.
Good thing he didn't drop it while he was making a sun. The Supreme Being would have been a might put out to find the whole Universe nothing but a charred mess of burnt-out planets and supernova'd stars. However, as this particular TF unit was a little iffy to begin with, something strange happened when it overloaded. Along with the resultant universe-purging shockwave, it essentially fractured reality around the solar system Earth was a part of, splitting it in two as itself was split. There were now two solar systems occupying the same space, just with one slightly out of phase with the rest of the Universe.
This solar system is home to the second Earth we know as Equus. Where things didn't quite go according to the original plan.
On Equus, the continental drift went a little squiffy for one. Fault lines ran in completely different patterns, causing the world maps of Earth and Equus to differ vastly from one another. Why different fault line patterns if they are essentially the same planet? Because neither planet had finished setting before being fractured. No biggie, really, compared to the main event.
On Earth, as we know, it was apes who did the whole evolving malarkey. Learned to walk on two legs, make rudimentary tools from what was around them, etc. etc. Makes sense. Naturally intelligent, opposable thumbs, blah blah blah...
Over on Equus, things went a little differently. Why, you ask? There's no definitive answer. However, it does have rather a lot to do with the fact that Equus ended up with the bigger half of the TF unit, which also had the substantially larger chunk of the power core. Over the millennia, the slow discharge of this core into the planet and atmosphere essentially caused the planet to take on a permanent state of overcharge, affecting everything from the weather to the natural evolution. Didn't do much for the ecosystem in the beginning...
Now comes the fun part. Apes never evolved. The overcharging stunted their development, but accelerated that of equines, among other things. Canines also got a serving, and a few others as well. Nobody quite knows what went wrong as to how Equus ended up with the mythical creatures we know as Minotaurs, Gryphons, Dragons and all that jazz. Again, the whys and wherefores are unknown. Chance. Fate. Coincidence. Whatever. Long story short, Earth got man, Equus got... talking horses. In a range of ridiculous pastel colours. That could actively tap into the massive excess of creative energy stored within the planet itself. Along with a whole host of other frankly worrying sentient species that we need not elaborate on for fear of scaring those of a fragile disposition. Speculation is that this access to the planet's energy caused the obviously stunted growth in comparison to the equines of Earth.
As for Changelings... Let's just say somebody with far too much time on their... limb extremities decided to play god and go splicing various strands of DNA and hitting the mix with far, far too much magic. When the results turned out to be what they were, any and all notes, data and associated evidence were destroyed, and what was left after the destroying was destroyed again before being fired into the sun.
After all the palaver of the dawn of time, the Universe carried on as if nothing had happened, and eventually we end up in the mess we put up with today. Things evolved, died out, planets collided, wormholes opened and closed, empires rose and fell, wars were fought, millions died. I won't bore you with the story of Equus, you should all know it from watching it on the boob tube.
Aaaanyway, on Earth, in a moderately-sized seaside town on the South Coast of the green and pleasant land of England, there lived a man and his dog. Sorry, Hetero Life Partner and lodger. Although the amount of time they'd lived together, he was more part of the insurance policy than lodger. May I introduce you all to Gonzo and Skeletoid. Say hello chaps. "Bollocks." They both reply.
Gonzo was a fairly level-headed sort- "Is he fuck!" Skeletoid butts in. "He's a barely-functioning bearded headcase whose sole purpose in life seems to be making every vehicle he owns into the wheeled embodiment of Thor's hammer! Oh, and consuming far too much beer." He rants. "He also smokes like Bob Marley and can Hoover up more disco glitter than Charlie Sheene."
"Oi! I resemble that remark! Anyway, I'm a novice with the ol' jazz talc compared to someone I know. With a sniffer like yours, boy, it's a wonder you don't inhale the bloody mirror!" Gonzo challenges.
Err, excuse me, gentlemen, may I continue?
"Do what ya bloody like," offers Gonzo nonchalantly.
My, you are so kind. Ahem! As I was saying, Gonzo, 28, was the slightly bulkier of the pair, standing a shade over 6 foot, fairly well-built, save for the gimpy arm (motorcycle accident, severe nerve damage, loss of some feeling and function) and the creaky knee (again, more biking antics gone wrong) with a short Mohawk atop his bonce and a chin sporting a great big bushy beard. Aside from this, fairly average-looking facially. Brown eyes, brown hair, auburn beard. Both arms covered in ink, left having a Led Zeppelin theme, Stairway to Heaven, right sporting AC/DC's Highway to Hell. He also sported a labret piercing, septum ring, 2 small rings about 15mm apart on the end of his tongue and some 10mm flesh tunnels in his lug'oles. His wardrobe primarily consisted of MX boots, army camo trousers in various stages of degradation, high-quality Cyberdog underwear, abusive t-shirts with the sleeves ripped off and a few armoured leather jackets with varying degrees of road rash. And always a different mad-as-fuck hat. Usually something from Couch Clothing or Cyberdog.
Skeletoid, 25, was a fairly lithe, wiry chap, hence the name. Slightly taller at 6'2", walked with a limp (yet more motorcycle-related maladies. Both tibia and fibula had ended up fused together around the break site, with some muscle and tendon damage thrown in for good measure) and sported a rather large hooter. Aside from being covered head-to-toe in tattoos - War of the Worlds on the left arm, a rather morbid floral and skeletal piece on the right, Zeppelin symbols on the ribs, Orbis Non Sufficit across the chest, Jethro Tull's Stand Up album cover on his back, left leg was an homage to the Evil Dead and the Necronomicon and the right a rather odd Egyptian-themed collection - he was always the smarter-dressed of the pair. Converse or well-polished army boots, expensive jeans, band t-shirts, button up lumberjack shirts over that, or an armoured Brando-style leather jacket. His hair was styled like the Greasers of old and his beard kept neat and tidy at about an inch long. A pair of 20mm flesh tunnels were his only piercings. Green eyes and a friendly face- "Save for the Jewish conk!" Thank-you, Gonzo- completed the picture.
They both resided in a 4-bed 2-storey detached house with a large garage built on the side, drive for 3 cars and a massive garden out the back. He inherited the place from his grandparents on his father's side, being their only living descendant and having lived with them as their carer since the incident. More on that in a while. "YOU BREATHE A FUCKIN' WORD AN' I'LL RIP YOUR TONGUE OUT THROUGH YOUR ARSE!" Eheh... Maybe not then...
The house had a large lounge running from front to rear along the right of the building, a conservatory off that, and the dining room (which had been converted into more of an office/library many moons ago. The two walls containing books housed a varying array of topics. History, geography, the sciences, various survival/self-sufficiency books, blah blah blah. There was also a fairly modern computer with a hard drive stuffed full of various bike manuals, how-to guides, schematics and god knows what other useless information) and kitchen along the other side. The garage, which was fully kitted out with an abhorrent amount of tools, including a lathe and mill, was accessed through the kitchen via a 'utility room' with separate crapper that ran along the back of it. In the kitchen, it was all fairly standard stuff, massive wood-fired Aga and a very ornate wood burner with back boiler being the main focal points. Oh, along with the massive copper hot water urn and frankly obsessive collection of speciality teas. Upstairs, there was a bedroom on every corner around a central hallway/landing with a decent-sized bathroom at the top of the stairs. Oh, and bike parts absolutely everywhere. The whole place was decorated in a fairly cottage-y feel, varnished wood everywhere, hideous patterned carpets, some bare brick around the fireplaces, overstuffed chairs, bit like an old pub in the middle of nowhere. Gonzo refused to do a thing with the decor as the whole place held more sentimental value than he'd ever let on. "An' I'd leave it there if you wanna keep yer teeth!"
MOVING SWIFTLY ON!
Both him and Skeletiod had worked rather diligently in an attempt to make the place as self-sufficient as possible, backup generator, bio-diesel refinery with three 8-foot-square bowsers full of it, and another three full of used cooking oil ready for refining, electric boiler, the Aga, wood burner plumbed in to the heat bank, solar panels etc. etc. so the only thing they really had to pay for was the water. Idyllic, no?
Vehicle-wise, for this was their... Passion? No, too tame. Obsession? No. Yet again, not quite cutting it. Basically, these two petrolheads had a small amount of blood in their alcohol-petrol stream, may as well have literally eaten and drunk motorcycles for breakfast, lunch and dinner and generally lived the motorcycling dream that even the most hardcore biker could only fantasize about.
Where was I? Oh yes! My apologies, I was rambling. Vehicles. Yes. Between them both, they owned... 10 bikes and 1... 4-wheeled machine.
Let us start with the 4-wheeler, aptly named the Thunderbus. It started out life as a humble ex-military series 2 Land Rover 109 ragtop. Then the gruesome twosome got their hands on it. The original asthmatic diesel engine, gearbox and axles were promptly stripped out and sold to the highest bidder. In their place was wedged a highly tuned (head porting with big valves, full bottom end lighten and balance, titanium rods, forged pistons, lairy cam, custom manifolds, tuned P7100 injection pump, gargantuan injectors, Holset HX35 and 55 compound tarbos and intercooler, etc. etc.) Cummins 6BT diesel and associated gearbox from a DAF 45 mated to a strengthened Defender transfer box. Salisbury heavy-duty axles complete with limited slip diffs, bolted to Parabolic springs and top of the range shocks kept the wheels where they should be. Brakes had, obviously, been upgraded to disks all round, 4-pot stoppers up front, twins at the rear. In true Gonzo fashion, the exhaust was simply a length of pipe that poked out the side of the wing, allowing the smog and noise to be transported out of the vehicle completely unhindered.
Needless to say, it sounded like Judgement Day had arrived, and the veritable pyroclastic flow of thick, black smoke that spewed from the pipe could obscure the sun if one planted the loud pedal. Oh, and there was a sound system in there that could deafen from half a mile away. Externally, there was a full roll cage with a hardtop section above the cab, a bull bar that looked like it could take on a fully loaded artic' and win, a row of spotlights along the top of the windscreen and a set of Insa Turbo Special Track tyres to finish things off. Nobody knows what the Bhp is, every Dyno it's been hooked up to, breaks.
Gonzo's bikes were all constructed in a similar fashion. Tuned to within an inch of going bang while still retaining a semblance of reliability. For the sake of keeping things simple, we'll leave out the in-depth description and go for a list. His bikes are as follows:
Kawasaki AR125 survival ratbike - Gibson Allspeed exhaust, Keihin PE28 carb, K&N filter, serious porting work, Wiseco piston. Pushing 30bhp. Gas Gas (Gasser) X250S '02 model Supermotard - FMF Fatty expansion chamber, home-brew baffle, moderate porting, Wiseco piston, Talon/Excel SuMo wheels. Making upwards of 55bhp, PtW ratio of 550+Bhp per ton. CCM 604E Supermotard - Ron Wood Racing 676cc big-bore kit, Mez Porting big valve head (rare as hen's teeth as the bloke died a good while ago), Ignitech programmable CDI, Mikuni HSR48 carb with accelerator pump, home-brew equal length down pipe with FMF PowerBomb ripoff 2 1/4" straight through exhaust, black and yellow bodywork. Touching 80bhp. Kawasaki GPz900R rat, aka 'the Black Slag' - 1000RX top end, resulting in 946cc, Falicon knife-edged crank, Carillo titanium rods, Wiseco pistons, Kent Cams fast road spec jobbies with adjustable sprockets, head skim and gas flowed, Akrapovic 4-1 exhaust, Dyna coils, Taylor leads, ignition advancer, Keihin FCR39 carbs, K&N filters (standard), ZZR1100 rear shock, 1000RX rear wheel, sprocket carrier etc, Storz riser, Renthal bars. Nudging the 200bhp mark. Kawasaki Z1000H 1980 Fuel Injection - GPz1100 throttle bodies, bored out and polished, bigger injectors, K&N's again, massively ported and skimmed head with oversized valves, the lairiest of lairy Megacycle cams with adjustable sprockets, Orient Express 1300 barrels with Wiseco's again, Falicon's knife edged crank, Ignitech ECU (different from a CDI, it controls the spark and FI, not just spark), Dyna coils, Taylor leads, modified Harris 4-1 exhaust, billet clutch basket, uber heavy duty springs, hydraulic actuator conversion. The frame and running gear are where things get serious: extra-heavy-duty frame bracing, Ohlins shocks, Metmachex swingarm, WP forks, billet slab yokes, KTM SuperDuke wheels, Brembo gold line brakes, bog standard bodywork, save the front mudguard which was off the SuperDuke the wheels came from. 227bhp at the wheel. Whack the throttle open and the rear wheel lights up like crimbo all the way up to 3rd gear.
Needless to say, rear tyres and chains don't last too long.
Skeletoid's collection is somewhat more presentable:
Suzuki TS125R - MIkuni 32mm carb off an RGV250, carbon fibre reeds, RG125Fun barrel and head, ported and polished, 1-piece powervalves, custom exhaust by Gibson, another Ignitech CDI, aluminium swingarm of unknown origin, CR125 adjustable shock, CCM R30 forks, NSR125 wheels, standard bodywork in a mishmash of colours, number plate bracket and rack removed, polished to a mirror finish. Sporting a none-too-shabby 35bhp. Kawasaki KR1S - black and green bodywork, TZR250 USD forks, Brembo brakes, bored-out carbs, opened up disc valves, Graham File race tune, Gibson exhausts, larger custom radiator. This thing was pretty fucking mental as standard. It now chucks out between 75-80bhp. Suzuki DR-Z400e - open airbox, derestricted ECU, Keihin FCR41, ported head, lairy cams, Falicon 450cc big bore kit, FMF PowerBomb exhaust with titanium can, all black bodywork, RM-Z450 forks, Talon/Excel SuMo rims, Braking 320mm wavy disc. A healthy 60-odd Bhp. Suzuki GSX750F Rat, aka The Sodomizer - no bodywork, chopped subframe, GSX-R750 USD forks, shock, wheels and swinger, GSX-R1100 engine, Kent cams, 1270cc kit, Mikuni RS40 flatslides, Akrapovic down pipes, Battered Yoshimura stubby can, lashings of Matt black paint, electric pink seat cover. 180bhp. Yamaha YZR500 ex-Eddie Lawson GP bike - mental enough as standard. Any more tuning would be tantamount to signing your own death certificate. He did fit some lights, a kickstart and a keyed ignition though. As to how he acquired it, let's just say someone had owed him a very, very big favour and leave it at that.
Now, on with the hows and wheres and whys and all that important shit. You know, boring stuff.
On the list of inherited things Gonzo had acquired, there was really only the house. He was the only living relative on his father's side, and one of the more unpopular on his mother's. He didn't care really. Most of his mum's family walked around like their shit didn't stink. As such, the only thing he got left when his grandpa died was some, as he put it, "worthless, broken, cheap piece of tin covered in WWII blood and shit."
His grandpa found said trinket in a field in France during the Second World War. He had been a half-track driver and was the only one of his platoon that survived after being ordered to drive into a machine-gun entrenchment. The oddity had been thrown up into the cab after the German gun jammed and the barrel breached, setting off the whole ammo store and blowing the entrenchment to fuck. Unfortunately, only after they'd completely decimated his band of brothers. Bunch of nazi cunts.
He kept it, hoping it may have been worth something and that he could sell it when he returned to England. Unfortunately, every jeweller and antique dealer he went to couldn't identify it or even offer a vague value. Even the local scrap dealer didn't have a clue what metal it was and wouldn't take it off his hands. As such, it sat collecting dust in a forgotten drawer of a cabinet in the bedroom that rarely saw visitors.
As I'm sure you've figured out by now, this value-free trinket is one half of the broken Terra-Former. I suck at mystery. Bite me.
Gonzo himself hadn't done much with it either. It currently sat on his garage workbench propping up a spare Rotax engine in the middle of being rebuilt. It had previously been used as an ashtray, door stop, hammer, side stand prop, wheel chock, balance weight, book end and god only knows what else. If only he had half a clue what it actually was, he may have looked after it... Actually, he still would have treated it like the useless lump of metal it was.
We now join them in the real world, one Saturday morning in March...
"Come along, boy, it's not like you've got anything better to do. The courier's not gonna be here 'til this afternoon with your barrel." Skeletoid reasoned, attempting to herd his hairy friend out to the garage.
"That's all well and good, boy, but I still don't see why I've gotta join you on this little venture to buy tat in a vain attempt to woo some bit of fluff you'll get bored with inside 3 months." Gonzo replied, doing his best to go back to refining some more biodiesel.
Skeletoid sighed. "Why are you always so bloody stubborn, boy?"
Gonzo simply raised an eyebrow at him.
"Yes boy, fine, I fully understand that you hate shopping unless it's for bike parts, but for some inexplicable reason, you always seem to find the best gifts to tempt the ladies! I mean, look at what you got your last mrs for her birthday!" He exclaimed.
"Boy, it's called listening. You, too, could be as awesome as me at buying crap for women if you actually used your ears and paid half an ounce of attention to what they say. You might actually find your relationships last longer as well, boy. How long were you going out with Helen before she fucked you off? Three weeks?" Gonzo asked.
Skeletoid looked murderous for a moment. "We agreed never to speak of her again." He stated in an overly calm, level tone.
Gonzo held up his hands in surrender. "I'm merely making a point, boy."
Skeletoid folded his arms and stared at his bearded compatriot with something akin to disgust. "Yes, you've made your point, boy. Now gear up before I fart in your lid."
Gonzo paled. "You wouldn't fucking dare!"
Skeletoid smirked a wicked little smirk. "Try me." He challenged.
"No fucking way! You were on the Bonfire Boy last night, and you've been fucking vicious all morning!" Gonzo exclaimed, immediately heading to the garage and grabbing his jacket and lid, a Simpson Outlaw with a thick crust of dead insects covering most of the front of it. Skeletoid followed him out, laughing like a drain the whole way. "Where we goin' anyway, boy?" Gonzo inquired, grabbing the keys for the Gasser.
"There's a little junk shop in Wannock I stumbled across when I stopped for a fag the other day, boy. Had a quick shufti through the window. Looks like some old chinky owns it." Skeletoid replied, flicking through his own keys for the ones to the YZR.
"It's always the fuckin' orientals.." Gonzo griped, manoeuvring his bike out of the conglomerate and opening the garage door. "Anyway boy, when was the last time you rode the Lawson? I haven't seen you take it out in months! All you've done recently is run it up once a week. Special occasion?" He jibed.
"Nah, just thought it's about time I took the old girl out for a run. Fuel's starting to go stale." Skeletoid informed him, hoiking the bike out of the mass and following Gonzo out of the garage. Both bikes were set on the stands while Gonzo locked up and Skeletoid pulled on his gear. He sported a Simpson DiamondBack, again thick with dead bugs. It was the only lid he'd found that fit his odd-shaped head and oversized beak without flopping about or squashing his schnoz. "Shall we?" He inquired.
"Indeed, boy. Start the bikes!" He exclaimed, a ridiculous grin found lurking behind the black visor. They both mounted their steeds, flicked the ignition and gave a hefty prod on the kick starts, both bikes immediately exploding into life with the high-pitched bolts-in-an-empty-tin ring-ding-ding of high-strung strokers. Both gents tickled the throttles for a few minutes, getting some warmth through the engines and creating quite the blue haze around themselves.
Skeletoid inhaled deeply, sucking in a huge lungful of the fumes. "I WILL NEVER GET ENOUGH OF THAT SMELL!" He yelled across at his partner in smoke.
"FEELS GOOD MAN!" Gonzo yelled back, having been breathing deeply himself.
Shortly they both pulled off the drive and pottered up the road, allowing the bikes a better chance to warm up, blipping the throttles as they went. Sitting at the junction waiting for a gap, they let the revs climb slowly. A gap appeared, the throttles were pinned and they both shot up the road in a cloud of blue smoke. Immediately they were on the offensive, treating the road as their personal race track. Every vehicle they encountered was overtaken with great contempt, squeezing through gaps barely wider than the bars and even using the pavement to get past the other road users. The scream of abused 2-strokes could be heard for miles.
TL;DR, they rode like complete cunts.
The trip to the shop took a little over 10 minutes. It should have taken at least 20. They pulled up outside in a flurry of hard braking, blipped throttles and terrified pedestrians. The ting-ting of cooling exhausts was the only thing heard after the pair had killed the engines and dismounted, nonchalantly striding into the shop as if they owned the ground they walked on and sparing nary a glance for the scared and enraged people who were staring at them completely agog.
Neither of them spoke as they rifled through the stacks of trinkets and knick-knacks piled on ageing tables and stuffed in cabinets. Skeletoid began humming Bedknobs and Broomsticks' Portobello Road as he perused the goods, and soon Gonzo was doing the same, much to the amusement of the hunched Japanese shop owner. He hadn't been fazed in the slightest by the lunatic duo pulling up.
What did surprise him, however, (not that you'd know it) was Gonzo suddenly moving as if in fast-forward. He was practically destroying the particular section of shop he was occupying before grabbing something and stalking over to him like a man possessed. He practically shoved the item in his face in excitement.
"WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS?!" The beard demanded.
Skeletoid had also been dragged unceremoniously from his browsing stupor and was also making his way to the counter. "What you found, boy?"
"Ah, I find dat on horriday in Flance, went visiting sites flom last word war!" The shopkeeper answered in his thick Japanese accent. "I find it in rittle clater where someone tell me machine gun pracement was." He explained.
Gonzo was nearly beside himself for reasons he couldn't quite put his finger on. "How much?!" He asked.
"Boy, what the fuck have you fou-oh my!" He exclaimed as he caught a glimpse of what it was. "Boy, is that the other half-"
"Yes, boy, it is!" Gonzo whispered excitedly. "So, how much?!" He asked again.
"Ah, I dunno. £44.50?" The old man replied.
"Come on, you can do better'n that!" The hairy one started the haggle. "I'll give ya 30 notes for it."
"£42!"
"£33."
"£40 an' dis blaceret!" He declared, pulling out a fairly unimpressive oriental wrist decoration.
"SOLD!" Skeletoid yelled, slamming his hand on the counter.
Gonzo just looked at him, an unreadable expression on his face. "Are you fucking serious boy?" He asked, completely deadpan.
"Of course, boy. You get the wossname, I get an exotic gift for Charli. Win-win, I say." Skeletoid explains in a matter-of-fact tone.
"Pray-tell, how much are you contributing to this little transaction, boy?" Gonzo inquired, turning to his friend and folding his arms.
"I'll let you ride home on the YZR boy."
The money veritably flew out of Gonzo's wallet and into the shopkeeper's outstretched palm. It was a very rare occasion Gonzo was allowed out on the road-legal racer. It was no secret he coveted the bike on an almost unhealthy level. When his compadre had turned up with it on the back of the Thunderbus, the hairy one had almost literally turned green with jealousy, demanding to know how he'd got it, who from, how much, all the while crawling over it like a fly on a hot turd.
When he'd heard the name Ian Jones, all inquiry ceased. He looked over at Skeletoid with understanding and a simple nod. The fucktard had finally delivered.
The items were quickly wrapped up and stuffed in their owners' jackets and they departed, bidding the shopkeeper a wonderful day. For Gonzo, it was like crimbo had come early. He was almost vibrating in place as Skeletoid exchanged keys with him.
For his part, Skeletoid was more than a shade enthusiastic. The Gasser was his favourite of all his bro's machines. Basic. Uncomfortable. Focused. Much like the YZR but for a completely different reason. SuMos were, by their very design, hooligan tools. MX bikes with road wheels and lights. It was like riding a BMX with an engine. Topping out at a rather unimpressive 110mph or thereabouts was nothing to write home about, but it was the way they got there. Usually on the back wheel.
He was also mildly interested in what Gonzo had purchased. For as long as they'd known each other, his partner in crime had owned that random lump of up identifiable metal. Now with the other half, it might either be worth something, or it's purpose may become more obvious.
Both gents walked up to their steeds and climbed on. A short donning of lids etc. later, a swift kick in the guts each and the bikes were once again crackling with barely-contained fury. A certain member of the pair was wearing a shit-eating grin so wide it threatened to split his head. In short order, the pair were on their way. If anything, they rode home in an even more aggressive manner than the trip there, if such a thing is possible. Cars actively pulled out of their way, pedestrians shrank back from the roadside in fear, even a police car decided to ignore the pair as they tore through town like men on a mission.
On turning into their road, they saw a DPD van pulled up outside, the driver waiting patiently with a box at his feet. Pulling up in short order, the pair walked over while pulling off their bash hats. "Morning, boys!" The driver greeted them jovially. "Heard you were on yer way, so I hung about for ya."
"Alright Mick. And what ever do you mean? We are the embodiment of courteous, law-abiding road users and our bikes are nothing if not whisper quiet." Skeletoid replied with no small amount of feigned innocence.
Mick simply laughed as they shook hands. "Of course, matey. Please accept my apologies for being so rude." He shot back, a sarcastic smirk on his face. "Gonzo, another box for you, my good man. I assume it's that barrel you've been hassling us about."
"Mornin' buddy, much obliged, I must say! I imagine so, looks like it's another Ron Wood box. How ya been keepin' anyway?" He asked.
"Not bad, not bad. Overworked, underpaid, usual shite." Mick replied.
"Aye, I know how that goes." Gonzo nodded sagely. "Anyway, gimme me parcel!" He laughed. The frequency at which boxes of bike bits turned up at the bikers' residence meant that they both soon became friends with a good many of the courier drivers and could always have a laugh and a joke with them.
"Yas'm boss!" The driver replied, passing over the handheld computer for his signature. As soon as the formalities were out the way, the box was passed over, Mick bid the pair adieu and headed off to his next drop. The pair made their way inside after stowing the bikes and having a quick nose at the contents of the box. As assumed, it was the new barrel and piston.
Both, however, were more interested in what was propping up the engine. It was swiftly removed from it's position, a bit of wood put in it's place before the pair retired to the overly spacious kitchen. Gonzo seated himself at the table while Skeletoid headed to the beer fridge to grab a couple of bottles of Hobgoblin. "So come on, boy, get 'em out, then! Hurr hurr." He quipped. Obviously, he was referring to the two halves of the ancient device, not his friend's meat and two veg.
"Uhuuuuh. Of course, boy. Gimme a minute." He replied, reaching into his jacket for the other half and setting both on the table next to each other.
Why were both halves now on Earth, I hear you ask?
Let me explain.
Both halves had been in roughly the same place on both planets, previous to being found or disturbed. Obviously, Earth's half had been dislodged when the machine gun emplacement had blown itself to fuck, which had also uncovered the one place where both planets had access to the other. A portal, by any other name.
On Equus, the other half had been buried... Roughly a mile and a half or so North and about a quarter of a mile West of a cottage owned by a certain butter-yellow Pegasus. The site was, obviously, within the borders of the feared Everfree Forest. Probably go some way to explaining why the area was so untamed compared to the rest of the planet.
As to how it ended up falling through the portal, blame a pair of particularly unfriendly Ursa Majors having a massive Barney, tearing the area up, uprooting trees, the whole nine yards, and dislodging the unit half, sending it through the portal into the machine gun placement crater.
Skeletoid was over shortly after having opened both bottles. He set them on the table, parked himself and made himself busy getting a smoke together. "So what you reckon it is then, boy? The other half give any clues as to it's purpose?" He inquired before licking the gummed edge of the paper and sticking it down, sparking up and taking a long pull.
"Haven't the foggiest, boy." Gonzo replied, taking a swig of his beer. "It's got what looks like a foreign warning label on this half, although I've never seen the language before in my life."
"Gissit 'ere, 's'ave a look." Skeletoid offered, holding out the blunt for swaps. On receiving the other half of the TF unit, he looked the shit out of it as Gonzo helped himself to a few lungfuls of finest Manali. "I concur with your sentiment, boy. I've never seen lingo like this either. Looks even more wanky than the fuckin' bamboo niggers' alphabet!" He exclaimed, also taking a hefty mouthful of his alcoholic beverage. "You gonna stick the two halves together, see if we get any life-changing revelations?"
"Yes boy, I will do. Gonna smoke this, finish me beer and wash it first." Gonzo replied.
"Oi, don't bogart that joint, boy."
"Of course not, boy. 'Ere, swap ya."
The pair continued philosophising over what could happen when the two halves were joined as they got absolutely munted over the next few hours. Everything from simply selling it for a vast fortune to superpowers and world domination was discussed as they both giggled more and more as the blunts were smoked, the ale was supped and the suggestions got more and more absurd.
"What if it opened a portal to another dimension?!" Gonzo practically yelled. The pair practically hyperventilated from laughing so hard.
"Boy, that's just fucking retarded. I think you need to sort a line out and straighten out a bit." Skeletoid replied after recovering from the hilarity of the idea.
"I just might at that, boy. You indulging?" Gonzo asked, standing up and stretching. He wobbled, listing slightly to one side before steadying himself with a hand on the windowsill.
"Don't mind if I do, boy. Much obliged." He with the hooter mused. "You gonna wash those bits while you're up?"
"Aye, I will. Lemme sort the Chang first, get me head on straight...er." The beard replied, picking the two halves up and dropping them in the sink. He leisurely squirted some washing up liquid over them and ran the hot water until they were covered before heading over to a different work surface and pulling out the paraphernalia which one uses for the preparing of Colombia's finest marching powder.
A few lines later (for it would be rude to simply have the one each, god!) they were mildly more compus-mentus, although they both felt the urge to DO EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE AT THE SPEED OF FUCK! And were both sitting there talking each others' ears off.
"So, boy, you washed 'em yet?" Skeletoid inquired.
"Yes, boy. They've been sitting on the table for the past hour or so, but you've been busy rabbiting about Charli and how you reckon she's the one for you, but she's got a bit of a big arse compared to the rest of her, blah blah blah, you'd still let her shit on your chest if she asked." Gonzo replied.
Skeletoid shrugged. "Well I would. You only live once, eh? So come on boy, get to it! Shove that bad boy back together and let's see if the world implodes." He urged. "Also, turn the fuckin' lights on, it's getting a bit dark in 'ere."
Time had, indeed, progressed to the stage where the sun was touching the horizon and the room was getting dark. "Get off yer arse and turn it on yerself you lazy fucktard!" Gonzo shot back, picking up the two halves of the TF unit and looking them over, starting to line them up.
Skeletoid harrumphed and got up, striding over to the light switch and flicking it on. As he sat down, Gonzo had lined the two halves up and was slowly sliding them together. "Attempting to add a little suspense there, boy?" He asked.
"Nah, boy. It's almost like they don't wanna go together. Like they're a pair of magnets and they're repelling each other." He explained. "I'm gettin' there though. Bastard thing's not gonna get the best of me!" He grunted, putting all his strength into forcing the halves together.
Skeletoid watched intently as the two halves slowly slid together, a sense of excitement pervaded the room. Both men, although knowing nothing was going to happen as essentially, this was just a lump of weird metal that got split in half somehow, wished for something mind-blowing.
KRRRRRCHUNK - POP "JESUS FUCK!"
"Fer fuck's sake! I only changed that bulb Thursday! Cheap Tesco shit!" Gonzo complained, plonking the now-whole TF unit on the table with some irritation. He also felt somewhat... Strange. Like he'd... Shifted sideways, but hadn't moved.
The bulb blowing had caused Skeletoid to near soil himself. He sat there clutching his chest and breathing heavily. "Boy! What the fuck just happened? I came over all strange all of a sudden..."
"Boy, you're already strange." Gonzo smirked.
Skeletoid gave him a deadpan look. "Har har. I mean more so than usual, you arsehammer. It felt like I'd moved, but not moved, if that makes sense. Like I'd been pulled sideways by nothing." He attempted to explain.
Gonzo looked at him seriously. "You got that an' all, boy? I thought it was just me."
Skeletoid stared back at him, incredulous. "Man, that must be some fuckin' good gear!"
"Pfffffffhahahahahahahahaha!" The hairy one replied, causing his compadre to break down into fits of laughter with him. "Fuck it, boy, let's hit the sack." Gonzo suggested, hauling himself out of his chair and heading for the stairs. He tried flicking the hallway light on. "Huh. No lights here either."
"Power cut, methinks. Streetlights are out too. Be sorted by morning I'm sure." Skeletoid surmised, having followed him out and not seen any dim orange glow from the aforementioned roadside lighting shining through the curtains. "Anyway boy, I'm off to bed. See ya bright and squirly. Beach Cafe for a number 8 tomorrow, don't forget." He reminded his friend.
"Of course, boy. How could I forget?" The beard retorted. "See ya in the morn, boy."
And with that, the pair hit the hay, blissfully unaware of what had occurred outside their little bubble of petrol fumes.
Morning arrived, bringing with it gorgeous sunshine and the beautiful sound of birdsong, sending light streaming through the windows and through the gaps in the curtains of a certain pair of bipedal moto psychos.
They both drag themselves from their pits, attempt to complete their daily ablutions, only to find they are still without electricity. No problem, the backup genny will cover that. More disturbing is the lack of water. Opening the taps, they get nothing but a few drips.
What the pair find most disturbing, however, is the distinct lack of road noise and bustle. And the fucking birds! There are never any chirping birds where they live. The little bastards have kept a healthy distance ever since they turned the place into motorcycle nirvana.
No words have been exchanged thus far, simply confused glares and worried frowns, along with the occasional irritated grunt. This changes, however, when they go downstairs to fire up the generator.
Upon looking out the kitchen window, all is not well. Not. Well. At all.
Skeletoid is the first to speak. "Boy, I am of the opinion we are no longer in Kansas."
This stirs Gonzo from his contemplative reverie. "I am in agreement, boy."
"To the ThunderBus?" The painted man asked.
"Aye, to the ThunderBus." The beard replies.
The pair quickly dress in their heaviest, most armour-stuffed gear, complete with bash hats, grab the keys to the Bus, a pair of old binoculars and head out.
On scanning the immediate vicinity, doing a quick recce of the area, it becomes apparent that everything within, at a guess, a 30-odd metre radius of the kitchen table had been pulled through the portal site from Earth into Equus. What they didn't know, however, was the same area had been spat through the other way to occupy the plot that had been vacated. It was almost like something out of Terminator or the like.
The house appeared whole and sound, along with most of the drive and a fair portion of the garden. But there was indeed a very distinct circle all the way around the house where it was like one was walking from one planet to another in a single step. On one side, the flora were fairly well kept, a bit dry and patchy from a completely un-English bout of hot, dry weather, or it was concrete and Tarmac. On the other side, it was thick, dense, luscious green foliage, massive trees and sprawling ferns everywhere.
Perfect territory for a Hare and Hound race on a pair of lairy SuMos, they both thought.
Once they were satisfied that things were as well as could be expected under the present circumstances, they boarded the ThunderBus, strapped themselves in and began the destruction of the ecosystem...
While waiting for the olive drab mechanical monster to warm up, the pair decided on the quickest route out of the forest, based on which section of trees let through the most light.
"Shall we then, boy?" Skeletoid offered.
"We shall..." Gonzo replied.
He fiddled with the stereo for a moment, selecting the song they oft used when setting off on new ventures. This song, of course, was Carl Orff's O Fortuna. Both gents closed their eyes, allowing the song to stir their souls in a very 'Gone in 60 Seconds' fashion.
And with that, their visors were shut, 4WD was engaged, 1st gear was selected, the loud pedal was buried and the smog poured from the exhaust as the vehicle shot forward, carving a path of literal destruction through the forest as they headed roughly east towards open ground. The pair cackled manically as the truck smashed through the undergrowth, taking out a few of the smaller trees with nary a second thought. The exhaust note reverberated through the forest for miles, scaring any and everything that lived there half to death, causing them to run in the opposite direction as fast as their appendages allowed.
The tyres churned the ground up like rubber ploughs, throwing great clods in every direction, painting the sides of the truck brown in the process. The bull bar had acquired a few scratches from some of the more stubborn undergrowth and was now wrapped with various ferns and vines that almost looked as though they were clawing at the behemoth to cease it's campaign of carnage. Of course, Gonzo took no heed as he went through the gearbox, hammering Mother Nature like a demon gigolo intent on tearing her a new arsehole.
In short order, they burst out of the forest doing about 60-odd mph, dragging with them a trail of foliage and ripping up the unnaturally even grass as they landed. Gonzo threw a donut into the mix as they came to a halt, the clods of turf still raining down for a few seconds afterwards.
"Well that was a laugh, eh boy?" The beak chuckled.
"Aye, 'twas most satisfying boy." The beard answered, turning his head to survey the gaping hole they had left in the treeline. "Ere, you wanna take the bins and jump on the roof, see what you can see?" He asked, setting up some Annihilator to play as O Fortuna had finished not long before.
"Certainly, boy." And with that, the beak unstrapped himself, grabbed the opera glasses and climbed up on the roof, having a nose in every direction before spotting a trail to the south. He quickly clambered back inside the vehicle and strapped in. "Trail to the south, boy. 'Bout a mile or so." He stated, indicating the direction.
"Let us be on our way then, boy!" The beard exclaimed, once again burying the loud pedal and firing chunks of grass and mud behind them at high velocity, leaving 2 trenches and a cloud of black smoke in their wake.
However, unbeknownst to the pair, a certain multicoloured aerial adrenaline junkie had been practicing not too far away from their location in the Everfree. On hearing the colossal cacophony of their trek out of the forest, she had flown over to investigate. Hiding on a cloud, she waited as patiently as she was able until they burst forth in the aforementioned flurry of smog and foliage. The poor mare near soiled herself! What in Tartarus was that thing?! She managed to reign in her fight or flight instinct just long enough to see Skeletoid climb out and jump in the back before she shot off to the library as fast as her wings would take her.
As the gruesome twosome headed towards the trail, Skeletoid noticed a cottage to their right as he continued to scan the horizon through the bins. "BOY! DIGS ON THE RIGHT! HALF A MILE!" He yelled over the noise of the music from the engine and the speakers. Gonzo gave him a quick thumb up to indicate he'd heard before adjusting his course to suit.
It didn't take them long to arrive at the cottage. The beard stomped on the anchors, leaving vast furrows as all four wheels locked up and tore through the soft earth.
"Now I'm really thinkin' we're in Oz, boy. You see that door? That's barely four 'narf foot if it's an inch!" Skeletoid exclaimed. "Am I gonna bang on the door an' get the leader of the Lollipop Guild pointin' me in the direction of the fuckin' yellow brick road?!" He ranted as they both disembarked the vehicle. He took a look at the valleys left by the tyres. "Has anyone ever told you you're about as subtle as a sledgehammer?"
Gonzo chuckled. "I am known for being somewhat loud, aye." He replied. "Anyway, best find out what kind o' shit we've landed ourselves in, eh? With any luck, they've got tea." He quipped optimistically, the pair striding over and knocking on the door...
Elsewhere, specifically Ponyville Library a short time earlier, the resident bookworm and her faithful bitch- sorry, 'assistant' are busy doing what they do best. One reading books, the other putting books away. The peaceful tranquility is unceremoniously shattered by a prismatic blur doing the same to the window it just used as an impromptu entrance. "AAAAAH!" Screamed Twilight, falling backwards off her perch and sending the veritable wall of books she had once again constructed tumbling down around her. "For Celestia's SAKE, Rainbow Dash! WHEN are you going to learn to use a DOOR?!!" She fumed.
"OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH TWILIGHT! YOU GOTTA COME RIGHT NOW! THERE ARE THESE TWO FREAKY DEMONS HEADING TOWARDS FLUTTERSHY'S COTTAGE AND THEY'RE RIDING IN THIS GIANT GREEN DEATH CHARIOT THAT EATS TREES AND BREATHES FIRE AND MOVES BY ITSELF AND LEAVES THESE MASSIVE TRENCHES OF DESTRUCTION BEHIND IT! I GOT HERE AS FAST AS I COULD CUZ THEY WERE ALL SO BIG AND NOISY ANDIWASSOSCAREDSOMEPEECAMEOUT!" Rainbow Dash managed to to yell in nought but a single breath. Her verbal diarrhoea had barely been understood by the pair, but Twilight got the important bits.
Spike, on the other hand, began snigger rather uncontrollably. "Waitwaitwait, the 'awesome' (air quotes) Rainbow Dash was so scared she peed herself?! Oh that is just too good!" He chortled. Twilight simply rolled her eyes as she picked herself up. Little Miss Ego on the other hand...
"AND SO WHAT IF I DID? YOU WEREN'T THERE! YOU DIDN'T SEE IT ALL HAPPEN FIRST HOOF!" She challenged, getting right up in Spike's face.
The young drake put his paws up in defeat, looking a little uneasy. "Whoa, dude, chill! I'm only havin' some fun, I didn't mean anything by it!" He attempted to explain.
Twilight sighed. She wasn't quite sure she wanted to believe what she'd been told. Miss Dash did have a penchant for exaggerating things a touch. "Come on, Rainbow. Calm down. Can you explain to me exactly what you saw?" She asked, hoping to calm her friend down to a point where she wasn't about to cause bodily harm to her young charge.
The blue Pegasus immediately rounded on her, becoming obviously more frantic. Twilight actually began to pay attention to just how tightly-wound she was. "THERE'S NO TIME! THEY WERE MOVING REALLY FAST! LIKE, WAY FASTER THAN I'VE EVER SEEN ANYTHING MOVE THAT WASN'T A PEGASUS! THEY COULD BE AT HER COTTAGE BY NOW! THEY COULD BE IN PONYVILLE BY NOW!" She raved.
That caught Twilight's attention. "Okay! Rainbow Dash! Assemble the girls! Fluttershy and Rarity are at the spa. You know where Pinkie and Applejack will be. Meet me at the outskirts of Ponyville on the way to Fluttershy's cottage."
"Got it!" She saluted before disappearing out the same window she destroyed.
"Spike! Take a letter. Dear Princesses Celestia and Luna,
My good friend Rainbow Dash has warned me of some strange and possibly dangerous creatures that emerged from the Everfree Forest. Her description was of 'demons' riding a 'green death chariot that breathed fire.' While I do not wholly believe her, she was most insistent so I am taking the Elements and meeting my friends on the edge of Ponyville on the road to the Everfree. I would appreciate it if one or both of you could attend in case we can't contain the situation.
Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."
With a quick flourish and a breath of flame, the letter was on its' way. "All done. Now, I'm gonna assume by the face you're pulling, I'm about to get the whole spiel of how I should 'stay here, lock the door and stay out of trouble' amirite?" Spike reeled off in a disinterested monotone.
Spike sighed. "Isn't it obvious? The minute the town is in any kind of danger, you and the girls run off to save the day, and I'm told to stay here and keep safe." He replied. "Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the gesture, it's just a little boring is all. Now go on, get outta here. I got a window to fix..."
"Okay, Spike. I'm sure it's nothing, so I'll see you later!" Twilight called as she gathered the Elements and headed out the door. It didn't take her long to reach her destination, and it appeared she had arrived about the same time as her friends. She quickly passed out the Elements and they gathered on the path, looking out towards the Everfree with mixed feelings. Outright fear (Fluttershy), boredom (Applejack), excitement (Pinkie), curiosity (Twilight), trepidation (Rarity) and indignation (Rainbow Dash).
"Tell me agin, Rainbow, whut'n tarnation y'all dragged us out here fer?" Applejack almost demanded, looking rather disgruntled with the situation. She was already behind with the harvest this season due to various unforeseen circumstances, and Rainbow Dash dragging her away from the bucking of trees for the downright ludicrous story she'd spun wasn't sitting well.
"Yes, quite, darling. While I admit I am somewhat more hesitant in knowing the outcome of this little escapade - there is the occasion that ignorance is indeed bliss - I do share Applejack's sentiments in wanting to know exactly what we are getting ourselves into." Rarity added, looking, as she stated, somewhat uneasy with the situation.
"Guys, I am telling you, I saw two demons walking on their back legs, dressed in this bulky stuff that I've never seen before, riding in something that I swear to Celestia looked like it ate trees and breathed fire! There is no way something can make that much smoke and there not be fire!" She insisted, most vehemently. "Anyway, all that aside, THEY WERE HEADING TOWARDS FLUTTERSHY'S COTTAGE!" She yelled, gesticulating wildly in said direction.
We now return to our two leather-clad antagonists, Gonzo leaning against the front wing of the 'Bus while Skeletoid sat cross-legged a short distance from the door of the cottage. The reason he was sitting was in a vain attempt to look slightly less intimidating as he assumed they would be, on average, about 2 foot taller than the locals judging by the diminutive digs. "Well boy, doesn't look like anyone's in, boy. Shall we venture onwards?"
"Indeed, boy. Lemme get one together and we'll be on our way. 'Ere, make ya self useful wi' those bins again boy, if you would be so kind..." Gonzo replied, pulling his gloves off and reaching into his inside jacket pocket for the associated rolling paraphernalia.
"Righto boy!" Skeletoid jumped up, striding quickly to the truck and grabbing the oculars once again. A swift bit of acrobatics and he was once again scanning the horizon. In short order, Gonzo finishes the blunt and sparks up just as Skeletoid spots something of interest... "Boy! There's a village down the road a ways! Looks like... Fuck me, boy! Get yer arse up 'ere an' 'ave a gander!" He exclaims.
Gonzo swiftly oiks himself up beside his compadre and takes the proffered long-distance spectacles. On seeing what Skeletoid saw, he takes a healthy draw on the smoke.
"You see what I did, boy?" The beak asks.
"If by that, you mean multi-coloured horses looking a bit cross, then yes, yes I do, boy." The beard replies.
"I feared as much boy. Pass the doob, I need a straight head on for this shit." Skeletoid holds out his hand, still looking in the direction of the village.
Gonzo, still looking through the oculars, passes the joint without hesitation. "I'll be honest boy, I don't think they're standing there looking all bent outta shape fer no reason. The blue one with the gay hair's gesticulatin' our way summat fierce."
"Lemme see..." The bins are passed back, as is the doob. "Aye, they're not exactly Rollin' out the red carpet and givin' us a 21-gun salute... Boy, you reckon they'd understand we cum in pies if you tied yer wifebeater to a stick?" The beak asked, pulling his eyes from the binoculars.
"International sign of surrender?" The beard assumed, taking another pull before passing the smoke over. "Kill it, boy." He said, motioning to what was left of the joint.
"Cheers, boy. Aye, flag of surrender." He confirmed, swiftly finishing the blunt and flicking the butt into the distance somewhere.
"Worth a go I spose." Gonzo shrugged out of his jacket, having taken his lid off shortly after arriving at the cottage. He peeled the sleeveless vest off himself before putting the jacket back on.
"I'm also gonna suggest you go easy on the loud pedal, boy. Your driving antics don't exactly scream 'we mean you no harm' ya know?" Skeletoid suggested as the pair climbed down from the roof of the truck.
"Aww. I spose. Fairymuff boy, I'll drive sensibly." Gonzo confirmed in a somewhat downtrodden tone.
"Seriously boy, do try."
Shortly, the vest was tied to a stick one of them had dug up from somewhere and they were back in the ThunderBus. Skeletoid was hanging rather comically out of the window with it in his grasp while Gonzo fired up the beast and began making his way in the direction of what they would soon find out was Ponyville.
The starting of the truck had definitely not gone unnoticed by the assembled group on the path. Poor Fluttershy near keeled over in shock, giving an uncharacteristically loud "EEEP!" While the rest had made equally surprised noises themselves. Rainbow Dash however, did have a mild look of smug satisfaction and an air of 'I told you so!' about her.
"Alright girls, be ready for anything. They seem to be coming our way!" Twilight ordered, as they all turned to face the incoming duo with determination etched on their faces.
Neither party had to wait long to come into view of the other, one party now struggling to contain a fit of the giggles from the ridiculousness of the situation (also seeing multicoloured horses wearing gaudy jewellery and attempting to look imposing), the other now beginning to look somewhat disgusted and also very confused at spotting the battle-scarred vehicle and the creature waving the white flag...
"Okay, ahm confused. Ardee, y'all said these here varmints were demons an' made it sound like they were gonna destroy the town! Now, correct me if ahm wrong, but ahm seein' a white flag a-flyin'." Applejack pointed out.
Rainbow Dash was immediately on the defensive. "Hey, when I saw them, they were dressed head to toe in armour and they were tearing up the place! How was I to know they were gonna roll over and play nice?!" She shot back.
"O-oh dear. They do seem to be coming towards us awfully fast..." Fluttershy interjected. Obviously, having not seen them previously, and not being an especially fast flier herself, the steady 30mph that Gonzo had deemed a safe first-contact speed did indeed seem rather brisk. The others, bar Miss Dash, nodded their heads or made noises of agreement.
Pinkie, having remained oddly quiet thus far, decided now would be an opportune moment to speak up. "Hey! If they're waving a white flag doesn't that mean they're friendly and not looking to destroy the town or turn us into slaves or rape or pillage or plunder or generally be big meanie-pants which means they wanna make friends and be nice to us and then I can throw them a 'welcome to Ponyville and thanks for not being mean' party huh huh huh?" She asked, the verbal diarrhoea finally ceasing.
"Don't get ahead of yourself, Pinkie!" Twilight reprimanded her, causing the pink menace to deflate somewhat. "We still don't know what their intentions are, or if this is an elaborate ruse. And for all we know, that white flag could be a declaration of war to... whatever in Tartarus they are!" She exclaimed, having started squinting to get a better look at the one hanging out of the window.
"Y-you know, it looks to me like they both seem pretty happy, though. I-I mean, they do seem to be smiling an awful lot... But that's just me, so feel free to make your own observations..." Fluttershy added, her voice tapering off towards the end.
"No no, dear, you are quite correct. The pair almost look to be... giggling from where I'm standing! I mean really! This is not a situation to be taken lightly, much less openly display your amusement toward! Ooooooh! I've got half a mind to put those two ruffians firmly in their place when they get here!" Rarity fumed. First contact with an obviously hitherto unencountered species and they have the audacity not to be taking it seriously! Why, the very thought of abandoning decorum in such political instances was enough to give the fashionista heart palpatations!
"Now jes' hold up thar, Rarity!" Applejack reasoned. "Fer all's we know, this could be their way o' breakin' the ice. Y'all tried thinkin' 'bout it from their angle?" She asked with a hint of irritation.
The alabaster mare appeared taken aback for a moment before recovering. "To be honest, Applejack, I hadn't. I appreciate you pointing that out." She replied in a carefully neutral tone, adjusting her mane slightly.
"Any time, sugarcube."
"Guys, they are almost here y'know!" Rainbow Dash snapped at them all. "Quit arguin' and FOCUS!" She yelled, turning back to the looming mass of metal and foliage. It was only as the ThunderBus closed to within 100 feet did the assembled group of colourful equines realize exactly how colossal it was. With the suspension lift, it stood nearly 7 foot tall! Roughly double the average pony! "Oh horseapples..." The blue mare squeaked.
"Boy, I do believe here should be fine." Skeletoid offered as they closed to around 30 foot of their 'welcome' party. "The poor creatures look like they're about to soil themselves." Indeed, the six females had all begun to shrink away from their approach, huddling together to reassure each other.
Gonzo came to a gentle but swift halt, killing the engine and turning the music off. "Aye, I agree. Christ boy, look at how dinky they are!" He observed, cautiously opening the door. "Reckon they're Shetland ponies that dropped a bit too much acid boy?" He quipped, stepping from the vehicle.
"Hahaha! Indeed, boy!" Skeletiod replied, extricating himself from the bus in a rather comical way, having to open the door and get out at the same time, then pull himself and the 'flag' back through the window. "Fuck's sake! Who's retarded idea was it to wave this fucking thing about anyway?!" He demanded of no one.
One of the assembled horse-like creatures, by the looks of it the blue one with the bad dye job, obviously thought his actions amusing. The beak distinctly heard a snort of derisive laughter and looked up in time to see the aforementioned equine look anywhere but at him, an obvious smirk on it's face. "I'm so glad I amuse you. I can also do tricks, y'know." He quipped, looking directly at... Them. At this point, he wasn't going to jump to conclusions on gender.
Said multicoloured pony had the decency to look embarrassed, her cheeks flushing pink for a few moments, but steadfastly refused to meet his gaze. Gonzo, meanwhile, had been carefully watching the group for any signs of recognition or understanding. It was painfully obvious that these were no ordinary horses. For one, two had horns (unicrons? No, that's that giant floating head from TransFormers... Unicorns! Thassit!), and another two had wings (Pegasuses? No, that's crap England. Man, that blunt was strong! Pegasi! Thank you brain!). And with the gaudy jewellery, styled manes and tails and frankly disturbingly large eyes, one could safely assume they knew a bit more than how to eat grass and take a shit without getting it on their tails.
The beard, in the least-offensive tone of voice he possessed, addressed the group while walking slowly towards the holding his arms out to the side in what he hoped was a non-threatening manner. "Mornin' all. I'll be honest in that I have no idea what to say in this situation. We hope you lot understood the white flag?" He asked, stopping about 15 feet away. Skeletoid joined him in short order, having left the aforementioned item leaning against the bus.
None of them were swift to reply.
"Boy, you thought that maybe they don't speak English?" The beak asked under his breath.
"To begin with yes, boy. However, when your friend Skittles over there turned a lovely shade of pink at your comment, I'm willing to bet they speak the lingo." The beard replied.
The purple one eventually broke the silence (after much gesturing from her friends), clearing her throat. "Ahem. Y-yes, we did understand your sign of surrender. M-my name is Twilight Sparkle-WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!"
Both of the bipeds, thanks in no small part to still being rather munted, had completely lost their shit on hearing her name and were snorting and giggling like a pair of school kids who'd just heard their teacher let one go. Skeletoid was the first to regain some semblance of decency after catching the frankly murderous glare from the pretty white one with the purple mane. (Wait a fucking minute. Just back the fuck up a bit, son! Did I seriously just think that a talking horse was pretty?)
"S-sorry, sorry. Please accept our apologies. Bit of an odd morning, as I'm sure you understand. Please continue." He offered, doing his best to look remorseful. Gonzo, too, managed to get himself under control and look ashamed.
"As I was saying," twilight continued, emboldened somewhat by their humility, "my name is Twilight Spark-SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS SO FUNNY?!!" She demanded, becoming somewhat irate.
The pair had once again gone off the deep end and were now openly laughing like drains, completely unable to help themselves. Gonzo was on his knees and Skeletoid was gasping for breath. The whole group, even Pinkie, by this point were looking ready to commit GBH.
"Se-seriously, I don't mean to be rude, but what kind o' name is Twi-Twilight Sparkle?" Gonzo managed between bouts of chortling.
At this, the purple horse looked confused. "Um, it's as good a name as any, I believe. Just ask any of my friends. Pinkie Pie knows everypony- AGAIN?! WHAT AM I SAYING THAT IS SO AMUSING?!!" She raged.
At this latest bout of laughter, Rainbow Dash and Applejack decided to step in. Both mares picked a male each and marched and flew right up to them, heedless of the size difference, and got right in their faces.
"Y'all wanna gimme a dang fine reason not ta buck ya straight back ta whutev'r Tartarus-damned hole ya crawled out of?!" Applejack demanded of Gonzo, looking him square in the eyes thanks to him being on his knees.
"YOU'D BETTER HAVE SHUT YOUR MOUTH BEFORE I COUNT TO THREE OR I'M GONNA FILL IT WITH MY HOOF!" Rainbow Dash practically screamed in Skeletoid's face, having her right foreleg pulled back, muscles tensed ready for the strike.
This open display of hostility was enough to sober the pair up enough to cease the laughter and look suitably abashed. Gonzo was the one to reply, as he had been asked directly and Skeletoid had been forced into silence...
"Well, err, not to be a complete cunt, but Twilight Sparkle? Pinkie Pie? Those sound like names from a dodgy kid's cartoon, and everypony? Surely you mean everyone or everybody, no? I mean, name-wise, where we hail from, you got girls called Tracey, Rachel, Nicky, Helena, Gillian, Emma, ya know, normal names. People who call their kids crazy shit like Autumn Breeze and fuckin' Moon Unit and Leaf Beard are usually hippies who believe in all that 'free love' bollocks and drop more acid than Jimi Hendrix. I mean, I tried takin' a shitload o' Smilies once. The floor started movin' like a conveyor, the walls started meltin', the table tried chasin' me round the fuckin' kitchen, the whole nine yards. Took me a week to come down from that trip! Was a week, wunnit boy?" He asked. Skeletoid nodded the affirmative, rolling his eyes.
"HEY! Autum Breeze's parents may be a bit on the easy-goin' side, but they're definitely not hippies!" Rainbow Dash immediately switched to the defensive.
Gonzo looked completely flabbergasted. "You're shittin' me! You are seriously havin' me on! You actually got someone called Autumn Breeze?! I pulled that name out my arse!" He exclaimed, beginning to feel like both he and Skeletoid were in so far over their heads, they may as well have been wearing concrete shoes in the deepest ocean trench on Earth! A quick look at his compadre confirmed a similar look of helplessness on his fizzog.
...And that's just about when everything went from Wizard of Oz to Alice in Wonderland on SO MUCH FUCKING LSD for the pair.
"PRINCESS CELESTIA! PRINCESS LUNA! You came!" Twilight exclaimed, drawing everyONE's attention to a pair of far larger... No, these were definitely horses. Save the massive head dildos and feathered back umbrellas. Admittedly, the white one was definitely a dress size or so larger than the navy blue one.
The royal sisters had teleported into Ponyville not far from the Element Bearers' location not a minute previously, swiftly yet silently cantering over to the group and sliding themselves amongst their subjects.
"Boy, I believe we are about to be royally fucked..." Skeletoid spoke up, his voice an octave or two higher and a slight quaver to boot.
"Oh, I wouldn't say that. I'm sorry to say neither of you are really my type." Said the taller white one, much to Skeletoid's relief.
"Speaketh for thineself, Sister. I am loathe to admit, the one perched humbly on his knees with the excess of facial fur seems quite the dish." The slightly shorter midnight blue one whispered in the other's ear.
"LUNA! You can't seriously find that... creature attractive?!" Screamed a suitably surprised Celestia.
"Oh do come now, Celestia! Thou hast known since before thou sent me to the moon that I am a Xenophile." Luna responded.
"Now, 'ang on a minute. Just which 'creature' are we referrin' to?" The beard half-asked, half-demanded, standing up and backing away from the now rather confused orange pony in the same movement, folding his arms once he was upright. He was well aware these two were what passed as royalty in this eco-warrior's wet dream (the purple one, Twilight Sprinkle was it? Did call them 'princesses' after all...) but generally tried to treat everyone with equal servings of nonchalance and unpleasantness, regardless of social stature.
The pair turned their heads in his direction, as did everyBODY else in the assembled group. On making eye contact with the blue one, Luna, she immediately blushed and looked away. He looked to the taller white one, raising an eyebrow.
Celestia looked at him with no small amount of disdain. "My sister was, unfortunately, referring to you." She said, lacing the final word with such disgust, Gonzo actually felt dirty.
"Well boy, a talking horse fancies you. I gotta say, she's a damn sight better than some o' the gorgons you usually attract." Skeletoid quipped, earning an exasperated eye-roll from his hairy hombre and stares ranging from shocked to mortified to enraged. "...I get the feeling I overstepped a line with that one?"
Nary a second later, he was being elevated and pulled in several directions by glittering hues of varying colours to the point he was actually in rather severe pain. "WAS THAT A SLEIGHT AGAINST MY SISTER, YOU FILTHY MONKEY-STALLION?!!" Screamed Celestia, whose golden glow enveloped his throat.
"Would it help if I said it was actually meant as a compliment?" He wheezed, slowly asphyxiating in her magical grip.
It took a few moments, Skeletoid turning a lovely shade of purple in that time, but slowly, the magical auras began to fade out and he unceremoniously dropped to the ground in a heap, gasping for sweet, sweet oxygen.
"I don't care if that was a compliment. The two of you will be thrown in the dungeon until I can decide whether you are a danger to us or not, as soon as I have destroyed this... contraption. I will not have such vile affrontery to the ecosystem left in one piece." Celestia stated, turning to the ThunderBus and charging her horn.
The hairy one moved so fast, it shocked even his best friend. Before anyone knew what was happening, he was standing in front of Celestia, his right hand wrapped around her horn, his head level with hers and a frankly murderous look in his eyes. "You so much as LOOK at my truck funny, I will snap off this head ornament and shove it up your arse, blunt end first! You understand me, horse?!" He yelled in her face.
"BOY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM THE ROYAL HORSE FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" Skeletoid screamed at Gonzo, attempting to get the hairy moron to see reason and not fuck his situation up any more.
The entire assembly were frozen in utter shock. Even Celestia herself was stunned into complete inaction. Never before in her entire existence had anyone threatened her in such a violent and defiling manner! Surprisingly, it was Fluttershy who was the first into action, flying swiftly over beside Celestia, staring directly into Gonzo's eyes with such a piercing gaze that despite every ounce of mental resistance, he could feel himself succumbing to the yellow pegasus' will.
"If you could, I would very much like you to let go of Princess Celestia's horn and sit on the ground, please." She asked gently, but firmly. Gonzo, despite every molecule of his being screaming at him to stand firm and stay exactly where he was, couldn't help but find himself planting his posterior in the dirt with his hands in his lap. The feeling of near-complete helplessness against the will of another terrified him to his core.
"Oh I'm very, very sorry. I really don't like resorting to such drastic measures, but I absolutely can't stand to see anypony being threatened, especially with what you were describing, sir." Fluttershy said apologetically. "I really hope we can all put this little misunderstanding behind us and move on?" She asked hopefully, giving both Princess Celestia and the beard the biggest, saddest, most pathetic-looking puppy-dog pout either of them had ever seen in their entire lives.
Celestia, for her part, felt mildly ashamed of herself as she stared into the eyes of the yellow Pegasus. She had been too quick to anger, and had bandied about some threats that were, in hindsight, a little rash. It seemed a little unfair to destroy this... Creature's property without at least letting her most prized student study it thoroughly first. She could almost sense the inner nerd in Twilight Sparkle having an absolute rage fit at her for not giving her the chance to at least give it a once-over. She was still tempted to throw the pair in the dungeon until such a time that she could set aside a period to question them as to their motives and reasons for being in Ponyville and causing such a scene. Maybe next month, at the earliest.
Gonzo, for his, felt absolutely no remorse for the reasoning behind his actions, but again, in hindsight, the actions themselves were more than a little extreme. Especially considering the facts: they were in another world, and his recipient happened to be royalty. Add to that, he was pretty sure he saw some serious telekinesis at work, that little stunt most definitely didn't help his situation. With this in mind, he decided to help himself to that large, messy slice of Humble Pie and apologise. In his own special way. "Uhh, yeah, my bad. The whole threatenin' to snap yer horn off an' all that was a little bit over the top. Although to be fair, you did threaten to destroy one of my Pride and Joys. Threaten me with violence and pain, no worries. Mess with my babies, I tend to go off the deep end." He explained.
Before Celestia could even inhale to reply, Twilight (of all ponies) cut her off, "You mean to say that that... THING is your child?!" She exclaimed.
Rarity quickly stepped in before the purple nerd could start reeling off every known reason why that should be impossible. "Darling, I am under the impression our... New arrival... Was speaking metaphorically." She stated, eyeing both man and vehicle with equal amounts of unrestrained disgust. "Besides, looking like that I can't imagine a single female of any species actively choosing him to be the father of their offspring..." She whispered so that only Rainbow Dash and Applejack could hear. The pair both fought with everything they had not to burst out laughing at the comment.
"Oh. Yeah, that would make sense..." Twilight mumbled, scuffing the dirt with her hoof.
"Ahem!" Celestia cleared her throat. "I will accept your apology if you will accept mine. I was more than a little rash in my actions to destroy your... machine and throw you both in the dungeon. However, I will still require the both of you to accompany my sister and I to Canterlot so that we may decide your fate." She explained.
Gonzo shrugged, holding out a hand. "Eh, no harm done. I believe we were all wound a little tight under present circumstances."
Celestia eyed the proffered appendage with confusion. "Now, while I do not intentionally mean to come across as rude, what is it you hope to achieve by holding your... forelimb out in such a fashion?" She asked, curiosity and a hint of derision in her tone.
Skeletoid answered, seeming a little quicker on the draw than his companion. "He's offering a handshake. Or in your case, hoofshake, I suppose. International sign of friendship, indicating we bear you no ill will, hold no grudges and carry no concealed weapons."
Comprehension dawned on the immortal pony's face. "Oh I see! I do believe our hoof-bump is a similar social greeting, although it doesn't quite carry the same weight as your... what was it? Hand-shake?" She inquired. On receiving nods of confirmation, she continued. "Yes, as I was saying, our hoof-bump is really a mere sign of informal greeting, not going so deep as to convey the... absence of weapons." She raised an eyebrow in a questioning fashion.
"Well, y'see, the lack of concealed weapons is more a throwback from days of yore when we, err, that is to say humans as a whole were a fuck sight more violent and treacherous. In some backwards little pockets of the world, I imagine that part of it still remains a 'thing', but I'd like ta believe the ol' homo-sapien has mellowed out a bit since then. Anyway, you gonna shake me hand or leave me hangin'?" Gonzo finished his wee narrative, glancing down at his still-proffered extremity.
"Oh, of course!" Celestia quickly lifted a forehoof and placed it in the outstretched palm. The pair shook briefly, each finding the sensation of the others' limb end to be somewhat... enlightening. "Oh, another thing while we are all sharing some history: It is considered extremely rude to call us... horses. We are not the mere animals that roam the uninhabited regions of Equestria, and as such, we are to be referred to as ponies. Do I make myself quite clear?" She asked in the same tone you would hear a teacher use on an unruly child.
"Yas'm Boss-lady." The pair replied in perfect unison. Made sense. Bit like them being called monkeys back on Earth.
"Good. Now I do believe, before we go any further, some proper introductions are in order. I am Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria, this is my sister, Princess Luna. We preside over the day and night respectively. These are the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony; Twilight Sparkle (Element of Magic), Applejack (Element of Honesty), Rainbow Dash (Element of Loyalty), Rarity (Element of Generosity), Pinkie Pie (Element of Laughter), and Fluttershy (Element of Kindness)." The royal pony reeled off. When mentioned, each pony gave a brief acknowledgement before they all then looked expectantly at the pair of humans.
"Oh, right! Sorry, bit much to take in all at once. Still a bit stoned. Ahem! I'm Skeletoid, or the Beak, social misfit and certified petrolhead. This is Gonzo, or the Beard, hater of the general public and moto-psycho extraordinaire. We are but common working-class citizens from a seaside town called Eastbourne in England. No flash titles, honours or otherwise." The painted man explained.
Twilight was practically vibrating with barely-contained questions about where they were from, how they got here, what being stoned was, everything. She was beaten to the punch as Luna, finally having stopped eyeing the hairy one up, decided to speak. "We must say, your names are most curious. And the labels thou hast given to thineselves seem even more so. Social misfit, hater of public, neither seem especially... Flattering." She speculated.
"We choose not to get out much. Neither of us have any great love for interacting with other people as a rule. We have... Had, I should say, a fairly tight circle of friends and a goodly amount of acquaintances in the biking scene, but other than that, we do both generally try to keep to ourselves." Gonzo explained, feeling somewhat down in the mouth as the notion of not being able to go for a beer with said mates down the Six Bells again lodged itself firmly at the front of his mind. Skeletoid, too, seemed to adopt a similar melancholy.
"But why would you wanna do that?! Getting out and socialising is such super duper fun! You get to meet all kinds of awesome ponies and do so many funnerific (author's note: typing that word hurt my brain in untold ways.) things with them! You can go to parties and picnics and functions and parties and galas and barbecues and parties and shindigs and festivals and PARTIES! I mean really, what's not to like about hanging out with all the cool ponies in town?!" Pinkie asked. The notion that anypony would actively choose to shut themselves away from society (Fluttershy aside) baffled the pink mare completely.
"Trust me... Pinkie? (A confirming violent nodding of the head and toothy grin) if you had to deal with the arseholes we do... Err, did, on a daily basis I'm pretty sure you'd want nothing more than to tell the rest of the world to fuck off too." Skeletoid reasoned.
"But everypony here is so nice and friendly!" Pinkie replied. "I can't think of anypony who isn't!"
"Again with the overuse of the word pony..." Gonzo muttered under his breath.
"If I may...?" Interjected Rarity, "It sounds to me, if I am understanding this correctly, that the world they have come from is not a very nice place. Either that, or they are creatures of such coarse attitude and demeanour that the first impressions they present immediately turn ponies against them." She stated, obviously having a dig at the pair if the stink eye was anything to go by.
"I'd say it's a bit o' both." Gonzo replied, shrugging the sleight against them off with well-practiced ease. Skeletoid merely grunted the affirmative. "I suppose it would be prudent to apologise for the manner in which we arrived. I'll admit we weren't exactly putting our best foot forward by tearing up the place in the 'Bus."
"It was fun though, eh boy?" Skeletoid smirked.
"Damn straight!" Gonzo replied with a chuckle.
"See, that right thar is why we wheeled out the big guns when you two hoodlums showed up! RD here was close ta foamin' at the mouth when she come an' darn near dragged me off ma farm hootin' an' hollerin' 'bout a pair o' demons in a death chariot breathin' fire an' leavin' a trail o' destruction behind 'em!" Applejack fumed. Listening to the pair describing their antics as 'fun' reeeeally didn't sit right with her.
The pair looked at each other and couldn't contain a proud smirk. "I would apologise again, but being referred to as demons in a death chariot is fucking awesome!" Skeletoid exclaimed.
"Fuck yeah it is!" Gonzo agreed, fist-bumping his bro.
This earned a facehoof of epic proportions from the farm... girl? Mare? Pony of female gender who owns a farm. "Ah done give up with you two varmints! So long as you stay the hay away from mah farm when you're in that thar... THANG ah don't give a darn whut you do!"
"Aw, don't be like that, Applejack! I can tell ya love us really!" Gonzo wheedled, swiftly bending down and scooping the mare up in a bear-hug.
This startled Applejack into intense embarrassment, her whole face turning bright red at being handled in such a fashion. She started sputtering before finding her voice, and words to use... "PUH-PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT YOU CELESTIA-DAMNED FREAK O' NATURE! AH WILL NOT BE MARE-HANDLED LIKE A FOAL!" She screamed, thrashing around in the beard's grasp. The scene, much to Applejack's further embarrassment, garnered a few sniggers from her fellow ponies, namely Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and, of all of the group, the royal sisters. Skeletoid, also, was stifling the chortles.
Swiftly, she was set back on her hooves by a grinning Gonzo, who playfully slapped her posterior as she veritably galloped to a safe distance before turning and fixing him with a glare that could have killed thousands. "YOU SO MUCH AS LOOK AT ME FUNNY AN' AH'LL BUCK YA TO THE MOON!" Applejack yelled at him. "AN' YOU DARE PUT A HOOF ON MAH FLANK AGIN AN' AH'LL... DO SOMETHIN' MIGHTY UNPLEASANT!"
This little outburst had Rainbow Dash actually rolling on the floor laughing, and everyone else struggling not to follow suit. Even Fluttershy was seeing the funny side of it.
"Come, come now dear. I was merely attempting to lighten the mood. And anyway, can't put a hoof on you even if I wanted to. Don't got none. Got me some pretty nifty hands, mind." The beard offered, holding them up and wiggling his fingers. "But I must say, for a pony, your arse is truly magnificent!" He exclaimed, a mild look of awe on his face. This caused the orange mare's blush to practically burst down to her shoulders, causing her to stammer her way through a slew of warnings and insults.
"Boy, Slow down! I know you're more for what's on the inside than the outside, but seriously! They're not even from the same melting pot, let alone moulds!" Skeletoid warned, more than a hint of worry in his tone. It was all well and good joking about fucking a hor... Pony, but the brief glint in his friend's eye had suggested that if the circumstances arose...
"What can I say, boy? If it's wet, warm and willing, I'm DTF." Gonzo replied nonchalantly. Skeletoid turned rather pale. It was no secret he was more than a touch shallow when it came to the opposite gender, and he was not about to follow his compatriot down the road to what he considered borderline bestiality.
"Gosh, I know I'm gonna regret asking this, but... What does DTF stand for?" Twilight asked the question on everypony's mind, blatantly cringing as she awaited the answer.
"Oh right, yeah, acronyms... My bad. Down To Fuck." Gonzo stated simply.
"...And I'm gonna go ahead and assume 'fuck' is a slang term for... Ahem... For-fornicating...?" The purple pony asked, turning more than a little pink herself.
Unnoticed by all but her sister, Luna's ears rotated a little more squarely in the direction of the hairy biped.
Gonzo nodded. "That's about the long and short of it. It's also classed as a swear word, but really, as far as the English language goes, is one of the most versatile words in the dictionary. One can use it as noun, verb, adjective etc etc." he rambled.
Luna's lips curled upwards ever-so-imperceptibly on learning this little tidbit. It had been a while since she had taken anypony... Or rather anyONE, as had been pointed out earlier, as a bedmate. Her last was a rather dashing gryphon in his thirties who had certainly known his way around a mare. She had thought of pursuing a relationship with him before learning that, outside of the bedroom, he was a shade on the simpler side of the tree of knowledge. Conversations had always been more than a little one-sided. Applejack, on the other hand, had to be laid down on a chaise lounge that seemingly appeared from the end of the white one... Rarestone? No, Rarity! Her horn.
"Sister, I do feel it prudent to warn you against pursuing any form of relationship with these creatures. They are still a veritable enigma and quite possibly dangerous. They seem to make no secret of their almost nomadic lifestyle-" Celestia's whispered warning was swiftly cut off.
"Oh nonsense, sister! Is it not obvious they possess no more magic than the average stone? What danger could they possibly be to beings as powerful as you and I? We understand your reluctance to trust these... Humans, especially given their somewhat abrasive nature and penchant for reckless behaviour-" now it was Luna's turn to be interrupted.
"Luna, you saw for yourself what these beasts and that... Metal monstrosity did to the land on their exit from the Everfree! And the STENCH that still hangs in the air from whatever chemical concoction it burns is frankly offensive!" Celestia shot back.
"Yes, quite. We find it a little eye-watering, admittedly, but can you smell the other scent that seems to be emanating from the cabin? We can also smell traces of it on the two of them. It smells very pungent, but also herbal in nature." Luna offered, completely derailing her sister's tirade in the process.
Celestia, a little put out from having her argument shut down so effectively, nevertheless had her curiosity piqued and took a very deep breath in through her nostrils, attempting to pick out the scent to which her younger sibling was referring. No... There! That's it! Indeed, very pungent, herbal, a touch sweet, but very, very rich. How she hadn't picked up on it beforehand was a mystery. "What do you suppose it is, sister?" She asked.
"We haven't the faintest idea, Celly. Shall we investigate? Our little ponies seem to be keeping our new arrivals quite tied up playing 20-questions with them." The Mistress of the Night replied, a devious little grin on her muzzle as she quietly snuck closer to the ThunderBus, subtly using her magic to open the door nearest them.
"Lulu, you are truly terrible! We really shouldn't..." Celestia half-heartedly objected, already following her younger sibling's lead. She was more paranoid of being caught in the act than Luna was, having never had the rebellious streak her sister so obviously possessed.
The pair swiftly arrived at the open door and both poked their heads in, sniffing intently at anything and everything in the cab of the aged 4x4. Gonzo had, obviously, stashed the rolling supplies in the 'Bus after knocking up the earlier blunt. It didn't take the pair long to locate the source of the smell. If you know the dash layout of a Series 2 Land Rover, you'll know of the shelf-like nature of it, and of the spaces either side of the steering column to house all manner of crap. He had put the gear, baccy, papers and lighter in the left-hand section, next to the clocks. (Author's note: remember, Ameri- and Eurofags, we're talking right-hand-drive in this instance. We English drive on the left.) Luna swiftly picked up the shiny silver... Thing that was giving off the strangely enticing aroma in her magic and the sisters looked the shit out of it as she turned it over and around. It was roughly 4" long by about 1" square, and the silver crinkly stuff looked to be a wrapping of sorts.
"Come on Lulu, open it! Don't keep me in suspense!" Celestia squealed, veritably bouncing in place. Her earlier reluctance seemed to have disappeared in favour of finding out the source of that almost heavenly smell. The more she breathed it in, the more she wanted.
"Calm yourself Celly! Anypony would think thou art a foal on Hearth's Warming morning." Luna jibed, slowly unfolding the metal wrapping. She, too, was most curious as to the contents, but was doing a much better job of keeping a lid on her excitement.
They were both somewhat underwhelmed when they unwrapped what looked to be a lump of very dark brown and somewhat sticky... compacted dirt. At least that's what it looked like. The smell, however, had increased thrice fold, minimum. Oh, this was definitely the stuff! Luna brought the strange block of... whatever closer and the pair took a loooooooooooooooooong sniff.
As did somebody else standing not too far away. "Boy, you got another smoke tucked away in your pocket or something?" Skeletoid asked, interrupting somewhat.
"Yes, Twilight, I am saying that we are the only sentient species... Err, no boy. Why you ask?" Gonzo replied, leaving a stunned-looking purple pony standing there with her mouth agape, the others looking equally flabbergasted.
"Thought I smelled some gear is all." Skeletoid shrugged.
Gonzo took a deep lungful- "Hey! What're you two weirdos talking about?" Rainbow Dash demanded, becoming more and more curious of these creatures the more she heard.
"You tellin' me you can't smell that?" Skeletoid asked the pair, looking somewhat confused.
"Of course I can smell it, boy. It en't... me... though..." He trailed off, a frown coming across his fizzog as he turned toward the bus...
Rainbow Dash and Skeletoid did the same while the other ponies discussed the implications of living on a planet with only one sentient species, seemingly oblivious to the rest of them....
"Whatcha doooin'?" Pinkie asked, suddenly perched on Gonzo's shoulders, appearing out of thin air, and craning her neck forward so she could look him in the eyes, albeit upside-down.
"FUCK ME!!" Gonzo screamed, jumping out of his skin and a whole three foot backwards, which unfortunately had him falling arse over tit as his legs collided with Applejack's rear end, knocking Rarity to one side and ending up in a very compromising position with his head somehow ending up between Fluttershy's back legs. Face up. "Well, that's something I never expected to see quite so soon..." He stated dryly.
It took Fluttershy a moment or two to mentally catch up on what had happened in the space of about 5-odd seconds. When she looked about herself and saw the strange hairy creature laying on his back with his face a scant few inches from her most private area, the resulting tsunami of embarrassment that washed over her, caused the poor mare to faint almost instantly, her legs giving out and letting her body fall.
Straight.
Down.
This resulted in a muffled stream of profanity from Gonzo as his arms flailed uselessly, while both Rarity and Applejack began a completely unhindered verbal tirade about indecent behaviour and minding where one steps.
Twilight had seemingly mentally blue screened, standing stock still, mouth agape with eyes like dinner plates.
Pinkie, being Pinkie, had miraculously avoided the whole kerfuffle and was now rolling around in the grass laughing uproariously at the situation, joined shortly by both Skeletoid and Rainbow Dash.
The whole incident had, of course, drawn the attention of the Royal Sisters the minute Gonzo had screamed. They watched the scene play out with amused smirks on their muzzles. It was only as Fluttershy fainted, planting her mare bits squarely on Gonzo's nose did the pair react.
Celestia very nearly lost her royal composure completely to the hilarity of the situation, sniggering up a veritable storm.
Luna... Well...
"HOW VERY DARE SHE?!! I WANTED TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO SIT ON HIS FACE!!! She yelled in her best Canterlot voice.
Celestia lost her shit. Completely.
Rainbow Dash couldn't breathe.
Twilight and Rarity passed out.
Applejack turned bright red with embarrassment at the mental image.
Pinkie looked genuinely shocked.
Fluttershy remained unconscious. Probably for the best.
Skeletoid looked at her like she'd just killed his mother.
Gonzo made a smart comment: "Takin' public relations a little far, no?"
The resultant vibrations through Fluttershy's unmentionables caused her to involuntarily let out a small moan, even whilst unconscious.
Luna was quick to act at this, swiftly levitating Fluttershy upwards and away from Gonzo's head and depositing her next to the still furiously blushing Applejack. For reasons unknown, ever since he'd picked her up with such seeming ease, she had been struggling not to think of him in a more... suggestive fashion. There was something about a strong stallion... well, male of any species, that warmed her nethers in ways untold. A male that could even rival her in terms of endurance and strength was a rare thing, outside of her own family. And she was NOT about to go fulfilling the southern belle stereotype of interbreeding. Didn't leave her much in the way of choice...
HOWEVER!
In the meantime, Luna had stalked over to the prone form of Gonzo, who now looked a touch intimidated by the seemingly enraged mare. She stood directly over him, forehooves practically in his armpits, rear hooves just past his hips. Looking him square in the eyes, she spoke in a low, almost sultry tone. "Human. While it is my preferred method to attract potential partners by more conventional methods, I feel my hoof has been forced. This being the case, I am taking a more direct approach. I wish to proposition your services to, as you say, fuck with me."
The beard actually looked flustered at this. Here he was, stranger in a strange land, fucked up the meet-and-greet to near catastrophic proportions, nearly caused grievous bodily harm to one of the royal sisters, generally pissed off everyone he'd met thus far, and was now being asked by the other sister for sex.
WHAT?!!
His thought process was interrupted by a borderline hysterical Skeletoid. "Boy! Don't do it! I know that look on any woman and I'm telling you as your best mate, DO NOT FUCK THE PONY!"
The glare Luna shot at him could have lain waste to an empire. A quick flash of her horn and he lay bound and gagged in the dirt. She then leaned in closer to the hairy one twixt her hooves, whispering in his ear, "I am thousands of years old. I have indulged in any and every fetish your puny mind can conjure up. As long as I get mine, I give you permission to use me in any and every way you please."
Gonzo grinned with such animalistic carnality, the Night Princess wondered if the no-holds-barred offer had been wise. "Been a while has it, your highness?" He asked in a worryingly sweet tone. Luna turned more than a little pink at this, a barely perceptible nod all she could muster in response. His reply went thus: "I may not know my way around a talking equine, but by the time I'm done with you, I plan to know how to make you cum using only my little finger." He wiggled the dinky digit in front of her nose for emphasis.
Luna looked equally turned on and indignant at his boastful claim. "Do not presume me 'easy', peasant! I shall make you work for it like you have never worked for anything before in your pathetic existance!" She stated.
His grin only got more predatory. "Challenge accepted! Your place or mine?"
The dark blue alicorn groaned. "That line was old before I spent a millennia on the moon!"
"Ahem!"
The pair turned their heads in the direction of the interruption, matching expressions of irritation, complete with raised brow.
"Forgive me for breaking up your verbal coitus session, dear sister, but we do still need to determine whether your new sex toy and his hogtied companion are a threat to the nation or not." Celestia intoned in a bored, maybe even slightly jealous voice, matching their expression with one of her own.
Luna rolled her eyes. "Ugh. Fine. If we must."
Gonzo looked skyward before rubbing his face with both hands. "Man, what a cock-block."
It took a while to rouse Twilight, Rarity and Fluttershy from their varying states of embarrassment-induced unconsciousness, and to calm Pinkie down from her self-induced hysteria over thoughts of throwing a Welcome-To-Equestria-And-Congratulations-On-Becoming-Princess-Luna's-New-Fuck-Buddy-And-Thank-You-For-Not-Being-Alien-Invaders-Who-Wanted-To-Rape-Pillage-And-Plunder party. (She'd been worried she may not have had enough paper plates... Of all things.)
Throughout this, Applejack had remained fairly quiet and had spent most of her time avoiding eye contact with a certain hairy biker. Everybody put it down to her earlier outburst.
Rainbow Dash had actually been the most accepting of the group, aside from Luna. After getting over the whole 'demons in a death chariot' thing, she'd decided the pair were actually pretty awesome. At least 20% cooler than any other strange species she'd met thus far. When Skeletoid had regaled her with the tale of their wee jaunt out of the Everfree, she had sat and listened with rapt attention before claiming it was the most awesome mini-adventure she'd heard of in, like, forever.
Celestia, obviously, remained highly suspicious of the pair. She had neither seen nor heard of creatures who even vaguely resembled this duo of socially inept hairless (well, nearly) monkey descendants. Where did they come from, and more importantly, how did they get here? But most important of all, could any more turn up? She had a feeling that a trip into the Everfree was in order. Maybe even before they were... Questioned as to their intent. Or maybe she could do that at the same time.
Luna was busy alternating between subtle goo-goo eyes at her new conquest and irritated glances at her sister for ruining the moment. And also Skeletoid for his interruption.
Skeletoid, after having been set loose, had been studiously ignoring both Luna and Gonzo and had subconsciously spent a little too long rousing Rarity and Fluttershy. And maaaaaybe a little less subconsciously with Twilight. It had been blatantly obvious thus far that she was a nerd of the highest order. And he might have had a not-so-little thing for nerds. Possibly.
Gonzo was apologising to Fluttershy for staring at her mare parts and she had been apologising to him for fainting on his face. He'd made a joke about having that affect on women, which hadn't entirely been understood by the shy female, but she'd laughed politely all the same.
Once roused, Rarity had made a small show of thanking Skeletoid profusely for watching over her while his 'beastly' friend had been busy 'violating Poor Fluttershy's innocence while she had been rendered so helpless and vulnerable'. She had vowed to make sure he was 'properly repaid' as soon as he was deemed to not be a threat to the populace, dahling. Batting of eyelashes and a little splash of bedroom eyes for good measure. A lady did have needs, after all.
Skeletoid, being the gentleman he was of course, had downplayed the whole scenario, stating it was 'merely his duty' or some such nonsense. The bedroom eyes did not go unnoticed. Which sparked off a veritable mental war with himself over the fact that yes, he may have quite possibly also had a definite thing for posh birds, but classy as she may have been (and waaaaaaaaaay above his usual standards if the effortless poise, grace and elegance with which she carried herself were any indication) she was still... A talking horse. Four legs, tail, covered in (the softest) fur, long neck and a horn on her head. Horse. Well, unicorn, but still...
Twilight had also thanked him, but without the open hostility toward Gonzo as the analytical side of her had seen that it was quite blatantly not his fault for ending up in such a situation, and unfortunately the blame could really only be lain at the hooves of a certain boisterous, random pink party mare.
Everyone, man and pony alike, finally managed to straighten things out to a point of civility between everyone. Amazingly enough, by some absolute miracle Gonzo had managed to get Rarity to say more than two words to him that weren't a thinly-veiled insult after he had apologised to her for 'compromising her dear friend's decency', even though Fluttershy had insisted everything was fine. Pinkie had been told, in no uncertain terms by both royal sisters, that any party of any sort in honour of the two humans was to be held after, and even if, they were deemed 'safe'. A word which Celestia admitted was being used in the loosest sense.
She then turned to the two bipeds in question. "The fact remains that we still don't know how you got here. Do the pair of you have any ideas? Anything at all?" She asked.
The pair mused for a while, exchanging glances. In all honesty, last night was a bit hazy... They'd slept and smoked since then. And, y'know, woken up in a strange forest in a strange land populated by multicoloured talking horses. Ponies, sorry.
"Err... 'Ang on a minute boy, you reckoned you felt the world shift sideways, same as I did." Gonzo started.
"Yeah, tha's right. That was after you shoved those two random lumps of metal back together wunnit?" Skeletoid confirmed. The royal sisters perked up at this.
"Indeed, then we finished up an' hit the sack." Gonzo finished. He turned to the regal pony pair, "You fancy droppin' by ours and havin' a nose about? Yer more'n welcome. I'll stick the kettle on." He offered.
"That's very kind of you, Gonzo. Let me discuss the matter with my sister and my little ponies before we take you up on the offer." Celestia smiled. This was ideal! She didn't even have to ask to look around their abode!
Skeletoid pulled Gonzo aside while the ponies had their wee conflab. "Boy, you sure that's a good idea? Not bein' funny, but what with that telekinesis shit the unicorns are sporting, there's no tellin' what they'll do to the place!" He warned.
"Well boy, the two princesses seem to be, well, princesses, so I doubt they'll go bok on us any time soon. And if they're to be believed, they're older'n god." The beard explained.
"That as may be old chum, they still give me the willies a little bit, boy. I mean, talking hors-err, ponies fer fuck's sake! This shit ain't normal!" The painted man ranted quietly.
"Boy, get over yerself. I know things that get a bit fruity with your established OCD norm do tend to throw you for a loop, but consider this, if you will: ol' solar posterior raises a valid point. We don't know how we got here. It may well be to do with that random lump of scrap currently on the kitchen table. They may be able to help send us back. On the other hand, they may be as much use as a chocolate fire guard, in which case we're fucked for gettin' home an' we're gonna have to make the best of a bad situation. Hence my playin' royal concubine to moon bum." Gonzo explained.
Skeletoid stood in thought for a minute. "I see your point, boy." He conceded. However... "I must press you on the last issue though. We've known each other a long time, boy, and in that time I feel we've gotten to the point where we know an unhealthy amount about each other, yes?" A nod confirmed this, "Now, to that end, I haven't once had any inkling (thank fuck) that you're partial to a slice of farmyard fun times. What's changed?" He demanded, fixing his friend with a level stare.
A slight interruption... "...AH WANNA BE IN YOUR HERD!"
The pair looked over at the circle of ponies, looked at each other, shrugged, and carried on. "In all honesty boy, not bein' funny, but it's been a while first and foremost. One can only make so much hand party before shit gets old. Second, on what level does this count as bestiality? The very definition of it is beast-like behaviour or having sexual relations with animals. I'll say that word again. Animals. Organisms that respond to various stimuli, but with limited higher brain function. Y'know, barely sentient. Limited communication, mainly run on basic instinct. Them over there do not fall into the category of animal or beast, do they boy?" It was Gonzo's turn to level a challenging look at his friend.
The penny dropped. Skeletoid had been looking at this all wrong. The whole time, he'd been looking at the locals as nothing more than talking horses. As animals that had learned to speak. This was not the case. They were no more animals than he was, they just happened to have been cut from a different cloth. They obviously had intelligence, they could hold a conversation, be snide and subtle, had a sense of humour, understood body language etc, had a hierarchy... Err... Diarchy? Whatever, they built dwellings not wholly dissimilar to houses built in days of yore back on Earth, one could assume they had a system of currency of some description and generally acted like one would expect any civilized creature to behave, they just looked like horses. Although the more he looked, the less actual similarities he was seeing. Skull structure was completely different. Also their necks were both shorter and slimmer by far than that of a horse. Their legs, especially fore, were obviously far better articulated than a regular horse. Their hooves weren't anywhere near as dense as he could see them being flexed in a way that regular hooves just didn't. Occasionally, they would stand up to use said forelegs for carrying or gesticulating or whatever. So no. Not a horse. Also, the telekinesis shit of the unicorns and the flying of the Pegasi did kind of hint more toward mythical creatures rather than sentient show jumpers...
The beard could see the comprehension dawning on his mate's face like watching the sun rise on fast forward. "I take it by the look on your face you is gettin' me, blud." He stated more than asked.
"Indeed, boy. I appreciate you clearing that up for me." The painted man confirmed, slapping his hairy compadre on the shoulder.
While this little epiphany had been going on, the ponies had been discussing their plan of action...
"Gather round, my little ponies, I have a little something that I feel needs to be seen to right away, and I need everypony's cooperation." Celestia began to explain as the Elements and her sister gathered around her in a small circle. "I feel it prudent to try and determine how our two guests arrived, and I would say the best way to go about it is to investigate their dwelling as a start. Now Gonzo has kindly offered to let us do this, but I wanted to ensure that everypony is vigilant to any potential dangers. They came out of the Everfree Forest, so that in itself is enough of a warning, but we do not know how they live, or what they live in. Their dwelling could be a veritable death-trap for us- Dear Applejack, is something the matter? You look awfully uncomfortable."
Applejack had indeed been fidgeting in place for a while, nervously looking from one pony to the other, but her gaze usually lingered on the Lunar Princess. The thoughts swirling round in her head had become more and more carnal in nature the more she had interacted with the beardy weirdy. And watching his and Luna's little exchange, she had ended up more than a little jealous. Being put on the spot, however, had jogged her thought process a little too much, and before she even realized what verbal diarrhoea she'd come out with, it was too late: "Umm, Princess Luna... umm... ah-AH WANNA BE IN YOUR HERD!"
Everypony stared at her, mouths hanging open in varying degrees of surprise. "Horseapples! Ah done put mah hoof right in it now!" The farm mare whined as she sat back and covered her face with her hooves, a scarlet blush travelling down her neck.
Shortly, attention shifted to the navy blue alicorn who appeared more than a little flustered. While she had indeed taken many a bedmate of either gender in her long life, she had never been approached about, nor really entertained the idea of, a herd. It was not that herds were uncommon; far from it. With mares outnumbering stallions roughly 7-1, it was far more uncommon to see a monogamous couple. Off the top of her head, the Cakes and Fleur De Lis and Fancy Pants were the only pair she could think of. Although the latter were known for inviting the odd guest or three round for a little more than just coffee.
Anyway, getting back to the matter at hand, Luna looked from one pony to another, finishing up on Celestia, who could only summon a small shrug in response as if to say, 'I have no opinion on the matter. You're a big filly, deal with it yourself.' "Ahem." The night deity cleared her throat, snapping everypony else out of their stupor and causing Applejack to shift a hoof slightly off one eye. "Applejack, if I may speak with you alone...?" She asked, gesturing for the orange mare to follow. They walked round to the far side of the ThunderBus in an attempt at privacy before Luna turned to face the Element of Honesty. "May I ask you what that little outburst was all about?" She needed a brief respite to think, and hopefully Applejack elaborating would help with an answer.
Applejack blushed even deeper. Here she was, face to face with the Princess of the Night, essentially being asked why she wanted to start a herd. She really hadn't thought this far ahead... "Uhh... Well, y'see... Aw, consarn it, ah can't rightly dress this up with fancy words like Rarity could, so ahm just gonna be straight with ya, Princess." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath and letting the blush recede slightly before continuing, "There's somethin' about a strong stallion gets me hotter'n a sweat box at the Summer Sun Celebration, an' when he picked me up like ah was nothin' more'n an empty apple bucket, hoo-ee, y'all got no idea what that did to me! Now, despite what everypony may think about farm fillies, ah don't get much in the way of... Male attention. The last stallion ta ask me out got scared off pretty quick when he saw me beat Big Mac in an arm wrestle. Think he was afraid ah'd break him or somethin'." She paused, steeling herself for the next bit. "There is... Another reason why ah asked whut ah did..." Breathe, Applejack, breathe...
"Oh? What might that be?" Luna prompted, sensing that the blonde mare was having trouble spitting out what was on her mind. She had a vague idea, something that she saw in one of Applejack's dreams... No, the memory had slipped her mental grasp. Oh for Celestia's sake! She nearly had it!
"Ever... Ever since you came back from the moon, ah been... Havin' trouble with a recurrin' dream. Well, ah say recurrin', it's not every night, or even every other night. Mostly happens when ahm a bit... Pent up." Applejack rambled.
This was getting a little frustrating. It had now been confirmed as a dream, and Luna was becoming more than a little irritated at herself for not being able to remember it, and at Applejack for not- "Do please spit it out, Applejack, the suspense is killing me!" Oops! She immediately clamped her fore hooves over her mouth and looked at the orange mare, absolutely mortified. "I am so sorry! Please accept my deepest apologies!" The Princess exclaimed.
Applejack had only been paying a token amount of attention to the Princess as she fought a brief internal battle as to whether or not it was a good idea to reveal this dream, so when Luna told her to spit it out, the resultant mental jog had her coughing it up regardless. "Ah dream of you dressed up as Nightmare Moon, takin' me hostage an' usin' me as yer personal sex slave, an' ah love every second of it! Ah get off several times just from dreamin'!"
Luna turned a distinct shade of pink herself, the dream that had been eluding her suddenly thrust to the forefront of her mind and played out in vivid clarity in her mind's eye. Applejack was quite the kinky little sub! And using her Nightmare Moon alter ego as a catalyst for lust instead of fear, too! Now there's a novelty! "Why, you naughty little filly!" She exclaimed with an overtly sultry tone. "I am of the opinion that both Gonzo and myself should punish you most thoroughly for such indecent thoughts!" Luna was having a bit too much fun with this...
Applejack almost took on a full coat colour change to that of her older brother. She very nearly came on the spot just from the implications! She tried to stammer her way through some sort of response but failed dismally, instead opting to drop to the floor and cover her head with her hooves, letting out a very desperate whine instead.
In the meantime, Celestia had managed to drag the rest of the Element Bearers' minds from the gutter and hash out a basic plan of action on how they were going to go about investigating the arrival of the gruesome twosome. The aforementioned pair had taken to discussing Skeletoid's possible rendezvous with a certain white and purple unicorn... Well, actually, Gonzo was ribbing Skeletoid about it while bragging that he was to fuck royalty. Skeletoid told him to eat a bag of dicks.
At this point, everyone assembled themselves in front of the ThunderBus once again and Celestia updated those that were not privy as to the basic plan.
"I hope I'm not offending the two of you by laying out a few guidelines as to this little venture...?" She asked the hairy pair.
Both of them waved the idea off as ridiculous.
"Oh, wonderful! I wouldn't usually be so strict, but you did come out of the Everfree Forest after all, and it is a rather dangerous place to venture into." The sun deity explained.
The pair looked at her a little confused.
Skeletoid spoke up. "Really? We saw bugger all in the way of fauna on the way out. What's so dangerous about it?"
Fluttershy responded, as she lived on the edge of said forest and had dealt with the animals within on many occasions. "W-well, I imagine the noise from your v-vehicle probably scared them away, you see, but there are creatures in there that are as big as th-that, if not bigger. There are Ursa Majors, cockatrices, cragadiles, dragons, there's a Hydra that lives in Froggy Bottom Bog, manticores, parasprites, sea serpents and timberwolves to name the major ones." She reeled off.
Gonzo didn't know whether to laugh or cry. On one hand, the names were frankly absurd, but on the other, they had the royal sisters on edge, and there was a chance they could very well be ripping through his garage as they spoke. This was NOT going down well. "I think we'd best make haste to the Asylum then, eh?" He stated with no small amount of urgency, striding towards the open driver's door. "OI! WHO'S BEEN AT MY GEAR?!" The beard yelled, finding his stash lying unwrapped on the driver's seat.
The two royal sisters looked at each other with guilty expressions, having completely forgotten to put the... 'Gear' as he put it, back where they'd found it due to him falling arse-over-tit. Luna responded, feeling she was able to avoid any backlash as they were now... Partners of sorts. "My sister and I were curious as to what the smell was, and went looking for the source while the Element Bearers were asking you questions about your home. I must apologise personally for not returning it from whence it was found." She explained, having the decency to look sorrowful.
The incensed idiot calmed somewhat, wrapping it back up and stowing it on the dash. "Whatever. Ask next time, yeah? Anyway, everyone in the Bus! Time's a-wastin' an' my babies could be in peril!" He urged, leaning in and firing up the beast , startling the ponies quite severely. He strode to the back and quickly rolled up the canvas tilt's rear flap before dropping the tailgate, gesturing for the ponies to climb aboard.
The group, bar Rainbow and Pinkie, looked at him like he'd just asked them to commit mass murder. Rarity was the first to voice her opinion, "You can't seriously expect us to climb into that... thing! it's positively filthy! not to mention it smells absolutely awful!" She whined petulantly. Fluttershy, Twilight and Celestia nodded in agreement.
Pinkie actually defended the vehicle. "Hey, it's not so bad, really. It's only actually dirty on the outside. In the back here is actually quite clean!" She exclaimed, bouncing straight off the floor and into the load area. She had a nose about in a very eccentric fashion, pulling a magnifying glass out of her mane and going over the thing like it was a crime scene. "I declare this area fit for ponykind!" The mad mare stated, pulling an Equestrian flag and pole from fuck-only-knows-where and posing on the tailgate with it in a very 80's action hero pose, complete with camo bandanna...
Gonzo looked at Rainbow, "Do I even wanna know?"
The rainbow-haired Pegasus shook her head in the negative emphatically. "Seriously dude, just roll with it. Your head'll hurt way less."
"I'm good wi' that." He nodded. "Anyway, you gonna maybe back us up here, get your mates' arses in gear an' in the back?"
"Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Just what're you try'na say, pal?! That I'm some kinda lesbian herd hussy?! They are most definitely NOT my mates!" The technicolour bird-horse yelled at him, folding her hooves and staring daggers.
Skeletoid put his two penn'orth in. "You sayin' ya got no friends?" He called from his spot in the front passenger seat where he was flicking through music.
"What? No! Of course I have friends! Who do you- Ohhhh, your bad. See, we use the word 'mate' when we're talkin' about somepony's partner, but you weirdos use it as another word for friend, yeah?" Rainbow Dash surmised in a not-all-too-common bout of intelligence.
"Correct." Skeletoid confirmed.
"Yeah, you might wanna stop that or ponies may get the wrong idea." Rainbow suggested.
"Yes, quite, thankyou for the English lesson, now can we please get in the fucking bus?!" Gonzo exclaimed, becoming a little irritated with how long this was taking.
Luna spoke up, sensing things were about to take a turn for the worse if things, or ponies, didn't start moving... "Celly, do be a dear and assist me in getting the Element Bearers in the... Bus, as Gonzo calls it, please? I am of the opinion he is getting rather irritated." She observed, watching as the man tried unsuccessfully to cajole at least Rainbow Dash into the vehicle.
Celestia sighed. "I agree. It does appear he is on the verge of leaving without us, which simply will not do. AHEM! My little ponies! It is my opinion that it is indeed a good idea to 'get in the fucking bus' as our friend so delicately puts it. I, for one, am in no mood to traipse through the Everfree if alternate transportation is available, regardless of how offensive it may be." The Solar Princess stated, effectively silencing any argument as to what was happening.
Shortly, and with no small amount of shuffling, all 10 were on board. Rarity had decided that the back was "no place for a lady!" And had deposited herself in Skeletoid's lap. "Ooh, I must say I could get used to this! Wrapped up in the strong forelegs of a dashing gentlecolt as he whisks me away to a far-off land for a romantic rendezvous!" She babbled excitedly, making sure to 'shuffle' her hips just-so until she felt a distinct tensing from her 'seat'.
"Err, Ra-Rarity, we're li-hiterally just bombing back to-to the Asylum for tea an' an' an' biscuits an' for you lot to have a-a nose about..." Skeletoid stammered, trying valiantly to ignore the heavenly posterior grinding against a certain protrusion that was beginning to protrude a little more obviously.
Rarity swatted his arm. "Don't ruin it for me, darling. It's not polite."
In the back, various eye-rolling, sniggering and gagging motions could be seen and heard. In the front, a simple grunt of annoyance as Gonzo slammed the door. "Hold on, shit's gonna get bumpy..." And the loud pedal was buried.
The ThunderBus belched out black smoke as the wheels once again churned up the grass, spinning round and barrelling back the way it came. Skeletoid had selected some Rammstein for this little jaunt, Ich Tu Dir Weh blasting from the speakers as they thundered towards the hole they had made in the forest's edge. Gonzo went ploughing straight back through the opening, far faster than he had come out and heedless of the terrified screams of his equine passengers. Wrenching the wheel left and right, foot still welded to the floor, he somehow managed to follow their earlier path without causing too much extra damage to the flora. A veritable miracle, all things considered.
"I THINK I CAN SEE WHY THEY DIDN'T ENCOUNTER ANY OF THE EVERFREE'S CREATURES!" Twilight yelled at the rest of the party in the back. She was clinging onto one of the tilt's support bars in an effort not to be thrown around the load area like a pony-shaped bouncy ball.
Everypony else was busy doing the same thing, in one way or another. Well, everypony bar Rainbow and Pinkie. The latter was sitting there knitting a scarf as if she was sitting in front of a fire on a cold winter's eve. The former had her front hooves hanging over the rear bulkhead, wings out for balance, staring out the windscreen with a dopey grin, looking for all the world like she was having the best time of her life.
She turned back to the group. "THIS IS SO AWESOME! I THINK I JUST FOUND MY SECOND FAVOURITE THING, LIKE, EVER!"
Pinkie gave her a hoofs-up, Applejack, Twilight and the Royal Sisters rolled their eyes, and Fluttershy was desperately trying not to chunder. "H-HOW MU-MUCH F-F-F-FURTHER?!" The butter-yellow mare tried to yell, which actually came out barely-above most others' raised voice.
"NO' FAR! 'BOUT QUARTER OF A MILE, TOPS!" Gonzo yelled back, miraculously having heard her over the cacophony of screaming diesel, howling metal and disintegrating underbrush.
"THANK CELESTIA FER THAT! BEGGIN' YER PARDON, PRINCESS!" Applejack yelled.
"THAT'S QUITE ALRIGHT! UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, IT WAS ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED!" Celestia replied.
"I THINK I MUST BE GETTING USED TO IT! I AM BEGINNING TO FIND THIS WHOLE VENTURE RATHER EXHILARATING!" Luna confessed, the beginnings of a smile gracing her features.
"THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU, LULU!" Celestia stated as though it were obvious.
"HEADS UP, PONIES! WE'RE NEARLY THERE!" Rainbow called back, bracing for the violent braking that was almost guaranteed.
They did indeed decelerate most rapidly, Gonzo smashing down through the 'box before grabbing something long and shiny and practically leaping from the vehicle. Skeletoid wasn't far behind him, having to quickly deposit Rarity into the empty driver's seat first.
The pair stalk up to the front door, which is ajar. Definitely NOT how they'd left it. A brief look was all they needed to exchange before stealthily making their way inside, Gonzo brandishing the 3-foot breaker bar above his head. Looking left and right, they see that the door to the living room is also open, prompting Skeletoid to indicate that he go through the dining room, while Gonzo head upstairs. Before doing so, he picks up a demijohn from under the stairs as a makeshift weapon, the heavy glass guaranteed to stun the hapless intruder at the very least.
Outside, the ponies disembark from the Bus, Fluttershy galloping to the nearest bush to upchuck something wicked.
Luna turned to her sister. "Celly, do you think we ought to follow them in and help? They could be in very real danger."
"Lulu, not to sound heartless, but I believe that the best course of action for us is to stay outside. Cover all exits, by all means, but I do not think our venturing inside will do any good. We are unfamiliar with the layout of their home, and could inadvertently alert the intruder to our presence." Celestia reasoned.
"As if the thundering behemoth we arrived in wasn't obvious enough... Fine, I will concede your point. I will take Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle to the rear of the premises and begin setting up a perimeter. I am assuming you will do the same with Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie, yes?" Luna asked her sister, while motioning for the aforementioned ponies to follow her lead.
Celestia rolled her eyes. "Of course, Lulu. I also think it prudent for the four magic casters present to set up a shield spell around ourselves and the house, to stop anything more from coming in, and what is already here from getting out and possibly calling for aid." She suggested.
"I was just about to suggest that myself!" answered Twilight, already charging her horn for the spell. "Rarity, you know the shield spell don't you?" She asked, turning to her alabaster friend.
"Of course, dahling. I do not need reminding of that particular lesson you forced upon me." She griped, charging her own horn.
The Royal sisters charged their own horns before nodding at Rarity and Twilight, their horns exploding with what looked like giant coloured bubbles that mingled and engulfed the area, spreading out until the house, Bus and part of the garden had been shielded.
"Applejack, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, on me!" Luna commanded, trotting around to the rear of the property. The three summoned ponies followed, the latter two practically hounding Applejack as to how hers and Luna's 'little discussion' went.
Celestia quickly relayed instructions to Pinkie, Fluttershy and Rarity as to which exits to observe, impressing upon them to signal her the moment they saw any movement from within. Luna did the same, once she had reprimanded Twilight and Rainbow Dash for their behaviour. "What Applejack and I discussed is between ourselves and Mr. Gonzo. You will desist your pestering until such a time as we deem fit to tell you!"
Back inside, the gruesome twosome were stealthily working their way around the house. Skeletoid had so far cleared the dining room/office, kitchen and utility room and was just about to check the garage. Gonzo had cleared (working clockwise from the top of the stairs) Skeletoid's room, the upstairs shitter, bathroom, guest bedroom/store room no.1 and was on his way to his own room (the pair had decided some years ago that, as all the bedrooms were roughly of equal size, they would commandeer the rooms furthest from each other so as to cut down on the overhearing of sexytiems) before finishing up with guest room no.2.
The door was ajar. Gonzo NEVER left his door ajar if he was going out. Never ever. His grip tightened on the breaker bar. He moved to stand in front of the door. He listened. He heard heavy breathing, close to panting. At a guess, female by the higher-pitched tone on the inhale.
Bracing himself against the bannister, he brought a foot up, tensing his leg for the coming carnage.
He kicked.
The door exploded inwards.
"GERROFF MY LAAAAAAND!!!" The Beard bellowed, bowling into the room like a demolition ball, ready to turn the invader into so much slurry.
"HOLY HORSEAPPLES!" The intruder screamed, wrenching their head from whatever crevice it had been wedged in.
...
......
.........
............
"Are you masturbatin' while sniffin' my dirty laundry?"
"I... That is to say-WHY ARE YOU WATCHING?!" The...horsadillo? Screeched at the bearded menace, whirling around to face him, hiding a rather sticky hoof... Uh, most-of-a-hoof behind her back and trying desperately to shake the used pair of boxers from her horn before remembering her magic and quickly teleporting them to fuck only knows where.
Had this been any other time, Gonzo would be roaring with laughter at the scene. As it was, he levelled the business end of the breaker bar at her muzzle and scowled at the... Whatever it was. "YOU. Are in MY. HOUSE. More specifically, in MY. ROOM. You don't start explaining why, RIGHT! FUCKING! NOW! I will redecorate using your insides!"
It was at that particular moment that Skeletoid came piling through the door, along with the royal sisters, who all attempted to speak at once...
"Boy! What's the-"
"Gonzo! We heard-"
"Mr. Gonzo, who-"
Celestia was first to finish her sentence. "Chrysalis!" She hissed, narrowing her eyes and lowering her head in what was obviously a threatening manner.
Luna stood there, stunned into silence.
Skeletoid had to be the one to break the silence. "Boy, I know your laundry basket has an ecosystem that most scientists would probably class as a biohazard, but it's never actually coughed up a new species!" He quipped, still looking at the uninvited guest with confusion and hostility.
Chrysalis, as she was now introduced, stared at him with her mouth agog for a moment before launching into a verbal tirade. "I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM TO BE ADDRESSED AS QUEEN CHRYSALIS OF THE CHANGELING RACE AND I AM NOT A BIOHAZARD!"
Skeletoid was quick on the reply, "Well then, 'queen' (air quotes) Chrysalis of the changeling race, what're you doin' in Gonzo's bedroom, goin' through his crusty undercrackers, by yerself?" He asked, gesticulating at the dirty clothing that had been strewn over the floor around the wash basket, no doubt when she pulled her head free.
The changeling's cheeks turned luminous green with embarrassment and she looked to the floor.
Celestia looked disgusted beyond all reason at the implications as the pungent smell in the air was identified.
Luna looked positively murderous. For the same reason.
Skeletoid looked sickened and incredulous.
Gonzo looked a shade confused, the sudden interruption completely derailing his earlier fury at the interloper, so elaborated on Skeletoid's earlier question. "So... Why, pray-tell, are you here by yourself? Where's the rest of your race?"
Chrysalis levelled a hateful glare at the rather queasy-looking solar princess. "SOMELING- what?! Why did you make that noise?!" She demanded of the beard.
Gonzo had made an intensely frustrated sound. "What is it with you lot and this frankly retarded word bastardising?! Someling? Somepony? YOU MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE! Why can you not say somebody, or someone? Surely they are a far better terminology as it is blindingly obvious that there is more than ONE sentient species on this planet?! Isn't ending the word with pony or 'ling just being pretentious and arrogant to the nth degree?!" He ranted. For some reason, this word affectation thing had really gotten under his skin.
Chrysalis just looked at him balefully. "Are you quite done?"
"Yes, thankyou, do please continue." He urged.
Chrysalis rolled her eyes and once again levelled a glare at Celestia. "As I was saying... SomeBODY (happy now, precious?) wiped the rest of my race out when they forcibly ejected us from Canterlot!"
Celestia looked genuinely shocked; wounded, even. "Chrysalis! I never- oh I'm so sorry!"
"Come now, Celly!" Luna chided. "Have you completely forgotten the fact that their entire race attempted to take over Canterlot, our home, and enslave our entire kingdom to sate their own greed, and on our niece's wedding day, no less?! Now, I do not wish to appear cruel nor heartless, but they did bring it upon themselves." The Princess of the night reminded her sister, fixing Chrysalis with a look that promised nought but a world of hurt should she try anything silly.
The changeling queen looked mortified. "I WAS MERELY ATTEMPTING TO SECURE THE SURVIVAL OF MY SUBJECTS!" She ranted.
"As you said at the time. However, methinks one put one's hoof in it when she then went on to say, and I quote, 'My fellow changelings will be able to devour so much of it that we will gain more power than we have ever dreamed of!' Now does that not reek just a little too much of a major power trip?" Luna probed.
"Err, hate to butt in, but couldn't you have just, I dunno, asked for an audience with Yin and Yang here and negotiated some kind of care package deal?" Skeletoid asked.
The holey one had the decency to look at least mildly abashed. "That... Would have made more sense, actually..." She mumbled to the floor.
The royal sisters looked more than a little smug.
"That still does not answer the question as to why you decided to break into my house..." Gonzo pointed out.
"Indeed, that." Luna confirmed, now more than a little intrigued as to the supposed sole survivor of a rather unpleasant race ending up in her partner's bedroom.
"I heard a most raucous din emanating from this area that quickly moved away, so I came to investigate. On finding a rather humble dwelling, I attempted to summon the occupants to introduce myself. When there was no answer, I let myself in. End of story." Chrysalis huffed, turning her nose up.
"Yeah, you missed out the parts where you tell us how much of a nosey you had round the house and how you were gettin' yer jollies from stickin' yer head in my laundry bin." Gonzo stated, resting the breaker bar on one shoulder and tapping his boot on the floor. This interloper's stalling was beginning to piss him off in entirely the wrong way.
"And also why you were in the Everfree Forest in the first place..." Celestia added, looking rather confused.
Chrysalis blushed again, looking anywhere but at the four pairs of eyes boring into her. "...I'd rather not." She mumbled.
Skeletoid let out an exasperated sigh. "Look, you're not really in any position to be withholding info at this point, are ya? By the sounds of it, you got quite a rap sheet, an' you just added breaking-an'-entering to the list. Not to mention bein' caught red-handed doin' frankly questionable things with even more questionable things." He explained, still not quite wanting to believe what the evidence was suggesting. The painted man was of the opinion that Gonzo would be in dire need of some brain bleach after this was seen through.
"Quite!" Luna confirmed, while the other two nodded in agreement.
The changeling stared hard at the tattooed biped, and he stared equally hard back at her. "FINE!" She exclaimed. "I've been living in The Everfree since she threw me out of Canterlot. I can't go back to my hive in the Badlands in my condition, I've barely been able to siphon the emotional energy I need to stay conscious, let alone travel that sort of distance!"
"You seem fairly lucid at the moment, so I doubt you have been having as hard a time of it as you make out..." Luna interjected, looking rather skeptical.
Chrysalis faltered, eyes darting from the laundry basket to Gonzo to the floor in quick succession, the neon green glow of embarrassment rising in her cheeks. "Well- I- err- ah-" she stammered.
"Gesundheit." Skeletoid quipped. "Do please cough it up, we've got shit to do and you're holdin' up the party." He was acutely aware that Gonzo's fairly limitless patience was being burnt up quicker than his YZR could guzzle the jungle juice at full chat and wanted to get this little episode done and dusted before things got messy.
The changeling looked at him with cold fury. "I'll have you know that I am still a queen and I do NOT appreciate being spoken to in that manner! And for your information, it is incredibly rude to force royalty to divulge personal information such as this!" She shot back.
The breaker bar was brought down HARD on the nearby oak chest of drawers, rattling the various trinkets and cans of deodoriser on top and leaving a very large dent in the wood, and the resultant BANG nearly caused those assembled to soil themselves. "Get on with it." Gonzo snapped, looking the changeling dead square in the eyes.
---NOTE TO READERS: This bit you may find a little disgusting. However, it is a rather important tidbit, so try to have an open mind. That being said, you've read this far. Bit late to develop a weak stomach.
Chrysalis was a touch unnerved at the look in his eyes, and the white-knuckle grip he had on the breaker bar. Due to her... 'talents', she knew he was loath to resort to violence, but when pushed, was more than capable of handling himself, but for one thing. He was not wholly dissimilar to a berserker. This knowledge loosened her tongue rather quickly, as she could see he was now rapidly running out of patience. "I siphoned the residual emotional energy from your soiled clothing. Your undergarments were the most potent. The... Residue that I tasted in some of them let me see what you were thinking about at the time, and I became aroused and had to do something about it. The residue I tasted on some of your other clothing has done likewise." She reeled off quickly, hoping to calm his rising temper.
Gonzo stared at her with a completely unreadable expression. During this wee narrative, he had stopped playing with the breaker bar and tapping his foot. For better or worse was yet to be decided. "...So lemme get this straight. You gain energy from siphoning off peoples' emotions, yes?" A nod. "And if I'm understanding things correctly, you can also do that with things that have been worn or handled by someone?" Another nod. "And finally, sucking bodily fluids out of something, or someone, allows you to, essentially, read their mind for that given time period?" A rather deep blush and another nod. "So you've pretty much watched the last... 2 weeks or so of my life, from my point of view, by sticking your head in my dirty clothes." He confirmed. A final nod. "And that actually turned you on so much you had to rub the muffin while you were still in there?!"
The glow on her cheeks seemed to brighten to blinding proportions.
A snort of laughter. And another. Shortly, both Beak and Beard were caught up in a laughing fit that lasted a good 2 minutes. Even the two alicorns ended up seeing the funny side of it and having a hearty chortle.
"Fuck me, you must be seriously desperate!" Skeletoid jibed once he'd calmed down enough to speak.
Chrysalis didn't know whether to feel relieved or humiliated. On the one hand... Hoof... End of limb, she had avoided setting off Gonzo's temper, but on the other, she had inadvertently ended up as court jester by revealing the changeling trade secret...
She went with insulted instead. Fair compromise. "I am insulted!" The changeling stated. She was gonna tell 'em too, it would appear... "I lay myself bare at your request and all you do is laugh! And on top of that, you insinuate that I am in dire need of a good rutting! Ooooh, I've got half a mind to teach you all your proper place!" Chrysalis ranted.
Celestia rolled her eyes. "Need we remind you how well that went last time? And you had an entire army at your disposal..."
"Not to mention, we have the Elements of Harmony standing guard outside, who are ready to fight on our command..." Luna added.
Chrysalis promptly shut up.
On that note, we shall see what our six bearers are up to outside...
We start off with Celestia's trio: Rarity, Pinkie and Fluttershy.
"So Rarity, when you gonna take ol' Skellybones back to your place and introduce him to what makes you a lady?" Pinkie asked while bouncing between windows, checking nothing untoward was happening. "Ooooh, why does this window have to be the only one with the curtains drawn?!" She huffed in frustration.
"Pinkamena! One simply does not gossip about one's potential rendezvous until after the fact! It's bad luck!" Rarity reprimanded the party animal in a haughty tone that was none-too-subtle.
"Oh, but- um, pardon me for interrupting- uhh, you did seem awfully cosy sitting with him in the... Err..." Fluttershy gesticulated towards the ThunderBus with a hoof before continuing. "You know, all wrapped up tight in his arms... Sitting in his lap and, and leaning up against his barrel like that..." She trailed off, hiding further and further behind her mane as she spoke, a light pink hue to her cheeks.
Rarity, too, had a faint blush as she listened to Fluttershy's description. "Yes, well, quite! He did make for exemplary seating as we were transported through the Everfree in that... vehicle. Not once did I feel unsafe in his care, it was most pleasant!" She babbled excitedly, although having to mention that truly offensive contraption again left a somewhat foul taste in her mouth.
"Didya feel his boner through that armour stuff he was wearing? Huh huh huh? I bet it was HUGE! Cuz, like, they're almost TWICE as tall as we are! But then they walk on just their back legs and their front legs aren't as long so if they were down on all four legs they'd look pretty silly with their flank all up in the air like they were asking for a rutting and they wouldn't be much bigger than us really, so in hindsight I think he wouldn't be that big in the panty party department or at least not much bigger than your average stallion anyway..." Pinkie word-vomited, not even stopping to breathe, and then inhaling so hard that both Rarity and Fluttershy could feel themselves being pulled toward her gaping pie-hole. (See whut I did there? I made a funny! Cuz, y'know, her name's Pinkie PIE, an' I called her mouth a PIE hole! I'll shut up now.)
Fluttershy, for her part, tried valiantly to refrain from passing out again as she processed Pinkie's little narrative. She instead opted to blush furiously and retreat so far into her mane, she resembled a better-groomed equine version of a certain Addams Family member. "O-oh m-m-m-my! " She squeaked.
Rarity was frankly mortified. While she could not deny she had been thinking along the same lines as her spring-like friend, to hear it voiced, and in quite such a simple, undignified fashion was akin to blasphemy! "FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE, PINKAMENA DIANA PIE! YOUR LANGUAGE IS POSITIVELY OBSCENE! I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS FILTH ANY LONGER!" The unicorn screeched, stalking up to Pinkie's latest estimated landing spot, grabbing hold once she had landed and rifling through the pink poofy mane for something to silence the tirade of obscenities.
Shortly, we find young Pinkie has returned to bouncing from window to window, but with a distinct lack of... bounce. Upon closer inspection, we see a locking ball gag wedged firmly between her gnashers, a hefty padlock keeping it all closed on the back of her head, and the key hanging from a thick cord around Rarity's neck. Fluttershy has, by this point, calmed down enough to resume her sentry duties. A rather tense silence hangs between the three, however.
On to Luna's trio: Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Twilight Sparkle.
The orange-furred blonde was doing a very good job of keeping outwardly calm, but inside she was a large ball of nerves. Would Gonzo accept her into his herd? Did they even have herds where he was from? Surely they did. It was an almost universal rule in gender-unbalanced societies. But was she his type?! Did he... could he like her like that? He seemed to be a fairly open-minded sort-
"APPLEJACK!! Rainbow Dash yelled in her ear, looking more than a touch put-out.
"Huh-what'n tarnation ya yellin' at me fer?!" Applejack snapped, staggering slightly to one side as she was rudely snatched from her internal musings.
Twilight stepped in to explain. "Rainbow Dash and I have spent the last few minutes trying fruitlessly to gain your attention as you appear to have stepped in something... questionable." The purple nerd said, wrinking her nose at the frankly offensive smell while looking at one of the farm filly's rear hooves.
It was at this point that Applejack noticed that, on finally gaining her attention, the flying colour swatch had retreated to a safe distance with a hoof over her nose and an obvious smirk on her face. Oh, and the smell. Goddesses ABOVE, the SMELL! "EURGH! What the HAY have ah stepped in?!" She exclaimed, lifting the offending hoof and trying to shake the... whatever it was from it.
"I dunno AJ, but it smells worse than your outhouse after Big Mac hit the cider too hard!" Rainbow Dash giggled, still maintaining a healthy gap between them.
"I'll be honest, I've never smelt anything quite that pungent either! I would hazard a guess and say that whatever... produced it is not a native species to Equestria." Twilight deduced, examining the cause of the smell. On closer inspection, it wasn't wholly dissimilar to Winona's leavings, save for the odd green tinge and, of course, the smell... "I wonder if Skeletoid or Gonzo would know what left it?" She mused aloud.
"Ah don't care whut made it, ah jus' want it offa mah hoof!" Applejack complained, still dancing about trying unsuccessfully to dislodge the foul substance.
"Normally, I'd cast a quick cleaning spell for you, but as I'm helping to maintain the shield spell, I can't risk it. Sorry, Applejack." Twilight apologised, looking distinctly disgruntled.
"Aw, 'taint nothin' you can do 'bout that, sugarcube. Safety firs' an' everythin'." Applejack reassured her.
"Hey AJ! I found a barrel of rainwater over here if this'll help!" Rainbow Dash called out from round the side of the house by the bioderv shed.
"That'll do!" Applejack exclaimed, wobbling over to the aforementioned water vestibule. A moment of faffing about and curses about how these Goddess-damned hairless apes made these accursed taps too small for pony hooves had the water flowing and the farm filly finally dislodging the disgusting muck. "Ahm gonna hafta sterilize that hoof when ah git home!" She moaned at volume.
"Speaking of homes, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna haven't come back out since they heard all that yelling going on. I do hope they're alright!" Twilight worried, glancing in the general direction the din had come from.
"Psh. Twi, you worry too much! The princesses can look after themselves, and with those two meatheads in there as well, I doubt there's much they couldn't handle." Rainbow Dash reassured her friend, folding her forelegs behind her head and lazily gliding in circles on her back.
The purple mare sighed. "You're probably right. I do need to take a step back sometimes." She agreed.
"Atta filly, Twi! Just take a leaf outta your ol' friend Dash's book. Let someone else do all the worrying!" The airbourne colour wheel encouraged, smiling as she closed her eyes for a spell.
"That's jest like you, RD! If it ain't a chance ta git yer kicks, yer too busy nappin' on a cloud somewhar!" Applejack teased, finally having shut off the tap and rejoined her friends. "Any action from inside?" She asked Twilight.
"Hey! I'll have you-" Rainbow Dash exclaimed before being cut off.
"Still nothing since the princesses left." Twilight confirmed.
And as if they had heard her signal the all-clear...
"SHE CAN WHAT?!!?!!?!?!??"
All six bearers prombtly soiled themselves (metaphorically) and practically galloped inside, hopefully in the right direction of the source...
Back inside, we find the two celestial sisters very much at odds with the two moto psychos, and Chrysalis looking exceedingly confused by what had just transpired.
"How's about we continue this conversation down in the dining room, eh? We did promise to get the kettle on, did we not boy?" Skeletoid offered in an attempt to save what little remained of his hearing.
"Err, yeah, summat like that. Yes! In that case, EVERYBODY OUT! DOWNSTAIRS WITH THE LOT O' YA!" Gonzo agreed, gesticulating for the crowd to move downstairs.
It was at this point that the other six members of their little party piled up the stairs...
"Whut'n the-" "Oh-oh m-m-m-m-my!" "Aw, not HER again!" "GRACIOUS ME!" "MMPH-HMMGH!" "YOU...!"
Skeletoid facepalmed while Gonzo pinched the bridge of his nose.
"SILENCE IN THE HALLWAY PLEASE!" Skeletoid bellowed over the cacophony of hooves and exclamations, "IF THE LATEST ARRIVALS WILL TURN AROUND AND MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE DINING ROOM, WE CAN ALL GET A BREW AN' A SMOKE AN' SORT THIS SHIT OUT LIKE ADULTS!" He finished, using his best announcer's voice.
"Nicely done there, boy." Gonzo complimented, a quick fist-bump exchanged as the now miraculously quiet group of ponies made their way downstairs and into the kitchen/dining area as directed.
A brief spell and a starting of the generator later, cushions have been gathered and distributed about the place for seating, tea and coffee has been passed around (nothing fancy as yet, just quality Assam and Rocket Fuel instant) and everyone is sat looking around at everyone else, although some of our party have had their gazes fixed on certain other members of the party the whole time...
Oh, and by this point, Rarity has seen fit to remove Pinkie's ball gag... Under duress, I might add.
Twilight broke the silence... "What. Is. SHE. Doing. Here?" The bookworm managed to grate out with a surprisingly contained level of disgust.
"Funny story behind that..." Skeletoid answered with a mild smirk. "Anyone object if I give the abbreviated version?" He asked, looking between the Royal Sisters and his good friend. "No? Wonderful!"
And with that, the Beak retold the series of events quick-sharp, eliciting a few chuckles and a more-than-healthy dose of shocked and appalled faces along the way... "And to finish up, Gonzo and I decided it would only be gentlemanly to extend an offer of room and board on a trial basis, which was when Light and Dark attempted to render anyone within a 5-mile radius deaf."
Both himself and his bearded companion covered their ears as the verbal tirade began anew. Chrysalis had the sense to duck and cover under the table.
"My little ponies! Quiet, please!" Celestia intervened, standing up and fixing the group with a level stare. "While Luna and I, too, are equally as confused as to why they would make such an offer, yelling obscenities is no way to behave, especially if we wish to discover the answers to our questions!" She exclaimed, looking each of her subjects in the eye before returning to a seated position and looking somewhat pointedly at their hosts...
Skeletoid glanced across at Gonzo, "You're up, boy. I've done my bit."
"Much obliged, I'm sure..." The Beard replied with a raised eyebrow. "Ahem! The reason we extended young Chryssie here...Do come out, sweetness, nobody's going to hurt you on my watch... Yes, the reason being is that we have had a sense of decency instilled in us, and it would not sit right with either of us to just boot her out knowing she has nowhere else to go. Rarity, my good lady, can you honestly say you could turn away a homeless... being if you knew you had adequate means to put them up, regardless of how much they may irritate or inconvenience you?" Gonzo probed, remembering (fuck only knows how) that she was the Element of Generosity and thus would likely be compelled to see his point of view.
The seamstress made a distinctly unladylike noise. "I am not amused that you have put me on the spot like this, however you do have a valid point. Much as this... female has caused us untold stress and upset, it would go against my very nature to see anypony- do shut up, I'm speaking! It's rude to interrupt!- As I was saying, it goes against my nature to see anypony suffer and not lend a hoof at the very least!" She confirmed. "HOWEVER! Should that somepony metaphorically bite the hoof that feeds, Tartarus hath no wrath like a lady scorned..." Rarity added menacingly, glaring near-literal daggers at the obviously cowering changeling queen.
"Yeah, what she said!" Rainbow Dash added, feeling she needed to reaffirm her place in the group as the boisterous, kick first, ask questions later-type. Sorry, my brain blue screened here, and all my descriptive words were lost to the neitherworld...
Twilight chose this point to add her two penn'orth, "Much as I hate to admit it, from an outside perspective I think this is a good idea. Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and I can cast some monitoring spells and enchantments, around the place and that way, we can keep tabs on-"
It was at this point Gonzo interrupted again. "Ohhh no! No hocus pocus goes on round 'ere for the purpose of 'keepin' tabs' (air quotes) on anybody! I enjoy my privacy within the walls o' me own home an' that's the way it stays! I got a perfectly good CCTV setup that covers the outside an' that's as far as we go!" He harrumphed.
Twilight went on a bit of a nerdy trip at this point... "Ooh! What's CCTV? Can I see it? How does it work? Are there instructions?" She squealed.
"Yeah, whatever! Hold yer horses! Er, pun intended..." Gonzo fumbled verbally before getting up... "Oh! Almost forgot the whole reason for this little visit. Boy, pass the metal wossname around. Should still be on the table. I'm gonna show Purple McNerd the cameras."
"Hey! That's rude! I think..." Twilight exclaimed.
"Indeed, boy. Gimme a tick.." Skeletoid replied, hunting about on the table for the now-whole TerraFormer. "Aha!" He exclaimed, pulling it from under a toppled pile of bike magazines. "Here you go your ladyships. We reckon this is what caused all the fuss..."
With Twilight and Gonzo's departure into the office/library, a venture he would quickly come to regret, the Royal We eyeballed the odd metal ball with utmost curiosity. "Where, exactly, did you say you found this...?" Celestia asked the Beak, still staring at the lump.
I should add, the rest of the group were pretty much doing their own thing by this point. Chrysalis had decided she was quite comfortable avoiding the venomous glares of the Mane 6 under the table, Rarity and Rainbow Dash were subtly sliding off their cushions to have a nose about the place, Pinkie Pie had returned to knitting whatever the fuck she had started in the back of the ThunderBus, Fluttershy was content hiding behind her mane while also gazing in the direction of the TerraFormer, and AppleJack had retreated within herself to continue her inner musings.
"Well, so legend has it, both halves came from France: more specifically, a World War 2 German machine-gun entrenchment. The smaller half (he indicated which) was found by my hairy brethren's grandpa during the war when, so I'm told, the gun blew itself apart, taking the ammo stores with it. The lump was blown clear of the mess and he took it home, thinking it may have been worth summat. The bigger half (again, indicated) Gonzo bought in an antique shop not far from where we lived, apparently rescued from what one would assume to be the same gun entrenchment by the strange bloke who owned the shop while he was on holiday not long ago." Skeletoid rambled while rolling a hefty doob. "Anyone wanna go on this, by the way...?" He offered, once done.
Luna, having not been overly bothered by the task of finding out the whys and wherefores of the pair's arrival, immediately switched focus upon hearing the offer. She had subtly been paying Skeletoid's actions more and more attention ever since he unwrapped another lump of that delicious-smelling brown substance. "YES! Ahem. Yes, we-err.. I would very much like a 'go' on that. Although I must confess my ignorance, what exactly does a 'go' entail?" She asked sweetly.
Skeletoid mentally facepalmed. "Right, I keep forgetting you lot aren't the usual crew we have round..." He admitted.
"What, does the fact we walk around on all fours, can fly and do magic not register upstairs?" Rainbow Dash quipped as she delicately glided back in from the living room. "I'm after Princess Luna, by the way. AJ, you in?"
"Izzat a challenge ah hear?" Applejack replied.
"Only if you're not too chicken..." The boisterous blue blur replied.
"Ah'd say yer on! Ah'm after her!" The apple farmer stated."
"Okay then!" Skeletoid started. "I'll light it, and you just do as I do... Oh, don't bum the end. Make sure yer lips are dry." He added before sparking up.
The three watched with curiosity and concentration to see what happened as he inhaled a good lungful, held it for a moment, then exhaled slowly. Skeletoid held it out for the Night Princess, who carefully took it in her magical grasp, which now distinctly resembled the fingers he has just been holding it with.
By this point, I should mention, all attention was now on the floating joint as Skeletoid's exhale had filled the nostrils of the remaining four (Rarity was still off being nosey) and they had immediately ceased what they were doing.
Luna replicated Skeletoid's actions as best she could, also taking back a fair toke, before coughing it all out and nearly dropping the J. "That-that was not entirely unpleasant..." She wheezed while wiping a few tears away. "I... Feel very peculiar all of a sudden. Like I am melting, but not... And I feel rather a lot heavier, but... not in a bad way..." She explained, her speech becoming slower as she spoke. Her magic began to fade as she seemed to lose the concentration to sustain it.
The Beak quickly leaned across and caught the special cigarette before it could fall, holding it out for Rainbow Dash as he addressed Luna. "Good stuff, innit?" He more stated than asked. Luna could only muster a very happy, silly grin and a lethargic nod in response.
Rainbow Dash looked at the joint, looked at Luna, then looked at the painted one. "Uhh... is that s'posed to happen?" She asked, her head cocked in confusion. Skeletoid nodded emphatically. "Okay, just checking... erm... uhh... could you... uhh..." She stammered before AJ came to her rescue.
"Ah think she wants ya ter hold it fer her as we ain't got no fancy magic like the Princesses or unicorns..." The orange one offered.
"Yeah, that." The aerial loon confirmed sheepishly.
"Oh, right. No worries. Err, I'll do you both a hand bong. Probably easiest." He decided, making a ball with his hands, the joint poking out one side and a hole with his thumbs the other. "Now just put yer lips to the hole and take a deep breath."
The technicolour pegasus stepped over and did as instructed, her competitive nature having her take as big a lungful as she could, levelling a challenging stare at Applejack the whole time. On pulling away, she exhaled slowly. Her eyes started to droop and her stance became rather unsteady, barely having the coordination to make it back to her cushion before unceremoniously flopping down on it with a stereotypical monged-out grin plastered on her face. "Ohhhh my gooooosh that's intense!" She slurred. "I've never felt so relaxed in... Ever!"
The tangerine earth equine looked at her friend with mild amusement before stepping up to the still proffered hand bong. "Ah don't think ya shoulda taken a breath that big, RD. Y'all look like a puddle o' paint! Lemme show ya how it's done!" She quipped, smirking.
Leaning over, she took a hefty lungful herself, as big if not bigger than Rainbows, making sure to hold it until she'd made it back to her cushion before exhaling, proceeding to nearly cough up a lung in the process. "Okay, maybe -coff- ah won't..." She dribbled, collapsing in a similar fashion, eyes streaming and tongue partly hanging out. "Hoo-ee, whut a -coff- feelin'!" She giggled, setting off both Princess Luna and Rainbow Dash in the process.
The Beak sat there grinning up a storm at the proceedings, taking a good swig of his caffeinated beverage before holding the blunt out for either Fluttershy or Celestia.
The former, however, was paying more attention to her now thoroughly-munted friends. "Umm.. Are-are you quite sure they're ok? I-I mean, you haven't gone all limp and dopey... Oh no, no thank-you, I think I'll pass, if that's quite alright..." Fluttershy declined most politely.
Skeletoid nodded the affirmative. "Always happens the first time. Although they took it to the extreme with how much of a hit they had..." He explained, still looking suitably amused at the two giggling piles of technicolour fur. "Also helps that I'm used to it."
Celestia, for her part, was trying very hard to remain a stalwart figure of composure and control, repeating to herself that she needed to figure out what this metal sphere was, and how it could have transported these two, and a sizeable chunk of their planet, through to their world. Although the increasingly frequent glances at the smirking biped holding the 'blunt', as he called it, out for her indulgence was very telling. The scent of that brown substance being burned, while a little harsh, was incredibly moreish and it was an increasing struggle to block it out.
Luna was sitting there, wings drooping in boneless relaxation, head now propped up on the edge of the table, watching her sister's indecision. "Celly, you know you wanna. I can't tell you how heavenly this feeling is! I feel that all my worries have simply faded out of existence and I am able to simply enjoy being."
The solar deity's resolve finally gave way. "Oh if I must..." She conceded, albeit a little too eagerly. "Although I really shouldn't, considering Chrysalis is still hiding under the table..." Setting the TerraFormer on the table, she levitated the joint from Skeletoid and had a far more delicate puff, looking for all intents and purposes as though she were sampling a fine wine.
"Oh yeah! Hey Chryssie! You should really get in on this! It'll make you feel amaaaaaaazing!" Rainbow dash piped up, somehow battling through the mental fog and seeming to completely forget the animosity she should be feeling towards the black and green creature who, until now, had been silently 'observing' (read: attempting to 1. make sense of just what the HAY was going on, and 2. avoid the wrath of the 3 major magic users whose good side she was definitely NOT on) the scene from her hidey hole under the table.
"I would sooner avoid having my mental faculties impaired by such a substance, thankyou VERY much!" She quipped, folding one forehoof over the other and turning her nose up at the winged colour explosion. "Ow! Who dares kick me?!" She snaps, poking her head out from under the table and glaring upwards at the taller beings.
Skeletoid fixed her with a baleful stare. "No need to be so unpleasant when Miss Dash was obviously attempting to be friendly. Also, as your potential landlord, I say you'll indulge. Consider it part of the probation." He mused, taking the joint back from a suitably mellowed Celestia and holding it out to the changeling queen in a very challenging fashion, evil grin included.
Chrysalis looked taken aback. "Are you seriously using blackmail to cajole me into taking part in this narcotic free-for-all?!" She demanded. Skeletoid's grin threatened to split his head. The shape-shifter returned it. "Very well, then. I may yet come to enjoy my time here if you can be so blatantly devious..." And with that, she too levitated the rapidly diminishing joint to her lips and indulged...
In the office, however, Gonzo was having a far less enjoyable time of it. But more on that, and Rarity's opinion of their domicile, next chapter...
