My Body Is Ready
Beef lounged lazily in his train seat. He was still kind of sore at the ticket girl… it was complete cow-pat that he had to pay for two tickets! It wasn’t like it was his fault that they couldn’t accommodate his girth.
Beef gave a quiet chuckle. It wasn’t the first time his girth had been an issue.
Two mares sat in their own seats across from him. The white unicorn had been staring at him for the past ten minutes, while the gray earth pony leaned against the other, lightly dozing. Despite being asleep, the earth pony held a tight grip on the unicorn’s hoof. Beef watched as recognition dawned upon the the unicorn babe with the shades that had been staring at him. A wide grin crossed her muzzle.
“Get the buck outta here!” she hollered, disturbing her sleeping friend. “Beef Motherbucking Swellington! It is you!”
“Wha…?” the earth pony mare yelped as she slipped off the unicorns shoulder. “Vinyl‽ What was that for?”
“Tavi! Tavi! Look, look who it is!” ‘Vinyl’ screeched as as pointed towards the minotaur. “It’s Beef Swellington!”
‘Tavi’ blushed, and looked away. “I assure you, Vinyl, I have no idea who that is, nor do I believe I wish to.”
Beef chuckled under his breath. Normally it was stallions swearing to their significant others that they had no idea who he was, so this was certainly a new experience.
“Come on, Tavi… you know,” ‘Vinyl’ plowed on, oblivious to her marefriend’s embarrassment, “he was in that squirting vid with Honey Ro—”
“I know full well who he is thank you Vinyl,” ‘Tavi’ hissed.
“‘How Cloudsdale Makes The Rain’,” Beef laughed. “You know, we almost won a Peggy Award for that one, but I couldn’t make it to the ceremony.” He pointed at his back. “No wings, and all.”
“Wait, then how did you film—”
Beef chuckled at the blush that covered ‘Tavi’s’ face.
“Brought the clouds down to earth. Whole thing was filmed in a warehouse.” Beef chuckled. “Honey Rose had no problems laying on the clouds, but they had to prop old Swelly up with a wire harness.”
“No way!” ‘Vinyl’ exclaimed. “I couldn’t see any wires!”
“Creative camera angles, babe,” Beef answered, swelling with pride. “Nothin’ but the best for Meat Beat Studios.”
“So where are you travelling today, Mr. Swellington?” ‘Tavi’ asked.
“Ponyville,” he replied.
“No way!” ‘Vinyl’ squealed. “That’s where we’re headed!”
“Oh? You locals?” Beef asked.
“Heavens no!” ‘Tavi’ replied, before getting a bopp on the the back of the head from her marefriend.
“Used to be, just visiting the olds today,” ‘Vinyl’ said, ignoring the moaning as Tavi rubbed the spot she’d been hit.
“You wouldn’t know where Cherry Pop lives, would you?”
“Cherry Pop?” ‘Vinyl’ scratched her chin, thinking. “I don’t remember the na— wait, the Cherry Pop? As in the impossible to find and I totally don’t have it because it was never released bootleg ‘First Time on the Casting Couch’ Cherry Pop? The Cherry Pop who pioneered the interspecieal porn scene and discovered a young minotaur named—”
“Vinyl Scratch, will you please lower your voice?” ‘Tavi’ begged. “You always complain when fan-fillies make a fuss over you, so would you please—
“Tavi! Cherry Pop lives in Ponyville! How have I never heard about this?” Her eyes glistened like diamonds in the sun. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh!”
Beef Swellington shrugged. “Dunno, she disappeared from the scene a few years ago. No one’s seen her since.”
“Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my g—”
Vinyl was silenced when ‘Tavi’ crammed her hoof into her mouth. Needless to say, Beef was impressed that Vinyl didn’t gag once.
“Vinyl, please! Show some decorum in your life for once. Please!” She looked sternly at her marefriend, before continuing to speak. “Now, I am going to remove my hoof, if you promise to curtail your incessant fangirling. Okay?”
When Vinyl finally nodded, ‘Tavi’ removed her hoof.
“Mr. Swellington… can I call you Beef?” Vinyl asked. When Beef nodded, she continued. “Beef, could I please bother you for a teeny-tiny autograph?”
“Sure, kid,” Beef chuckled as he pulled a marker out of his knapsack. “Where do you want it? Barrel, back or flank?”
Vinyl started to trot over, but was pulled back when ‘Tavi’ bit down on her tail. Vinyl looked back over her shoulder to see the fires of tartarus burning in ‘Tavi’s’ eyes.
“You will not have a porn star sign your body right before we are going to visit your parents!”
“But Taaaaaavi,” Vinyl moaned.
“You try it, and I’ll refuse to make you ‘rain’ for three months.”
Beef could feel the sting of that threat, and it wasn’t even directed at him. He watched the hope in the unicorn’s eyes die.
“Sorry to bother you, Beef,” she said, as she sat back down on her seat.
The train began to slow down as it approached the station. Beef dug deep into his knapsack, and found a loose sheet of paper. “Who do I make it out to, kid?”
The smile reappeared on the unicorn’s face. “Oh, wow! Uhhh, DJ-Pon3. With a three at the end.”
“DJ, huh?” Beef chuckled as he signed the blank paper and folded it over a business card. “Well, if you two ever get bored of that scene, give me a call. Filly-foolers are always a hit. You’d be great!”
Beef stood and shouldered his bag, then he made his way towards the doors. As he made his way to the exit, he overheard the two mares behind him.
“Tavi! You hear that? He thinks we’d be great in porn!”
“Vinyl, I don’t think that is quite the compliment you think it is.”
Cherry Berry relaxed on a bench in Ponyville park. Lyra Heartstrings was busking again, filling the air with the lovely sounds of her lyre music. A sketch pad sat before her, filled with numerous designs, while a pencil hung limply from her mouth.
She had once overheard Lyra explaining to some children in the park how the first lyre came to be. It was a barbaric tale involving a trickster spirit stealing a harem of cows from an alicorn prince. The details had been overly gory—the trickster created the lyre from the entrails of the eldest cow—and Cherry particularly disliked that the prince traded the rest of the poor cows for the lyre… but the children had enjoyed it nonetheless.
Cherry enjoyed sitting out in the park, soaking up the sun and listening to the children play.
It was a relaxing place to work out the problems that had been plaguing her designs. Sure, the Mount Golfy-Air brothers might have beaten her to the punch with their globe-aérostatique by two-hundred years, and Foaldinand von Zepplin with his airships by fifty years… and unicorns in general with wing spells by several centuries.
But she was so close to finishing her aerial screw! Cherry Berry was going to be a household name. The name of the inventor who… re-invented… personal air travel for non-pegasi.
Again.
She would be remembered as a pony who revolutionized the world!
She refused to let her legacy be being able to deepthroat a diamond dog and a minotaur at the same time.
“Lyyyyyraaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
Cherry looked up from her sketch pad. A white unicorn was dragging a gray coated earth pony across the park. Lyra had set her lyre down and was already running across the grass to meet them.
“Scratchy!” Lyra squealed. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming today? Bonnie’s out of town… we have to hit the pub tonight!”
Cherry looked back down at her sketch pad. While the antics of Lyra and her friends might have been amusing (as they often ended up), Cherry had work to concentrate on. Hmmm, I have to work out the correct gearing for the tail rotor, or I am just going to end up crashing again…
“Yeah, yeah, null sweat, but you will never-bucking-believe who we met on the train here,” Vinyl’s voice shrilled. “Beef Swellington!”
Cherry Berry looked up from her pad; the pencil dropping from her mouth as she gaped. Did she just say—
“Who the hay is Beef Swellington?” Lyra asked.
Oh buck! Cherry swore. She quickly packed her sketchbook and drawing utensils back into her saddlebag.
“Oh yeah, you and Bonnie are gold star foolers, right!” Vinyl cackled. “He’s the biggest porn star this side of Applewood. And I mean the biggest!”
“Yuck!” Lyra said, gagging. “You know how I feel about stallions and their ding-dongs!”
“Well, I know one name you’ll recognise. Cherry Pop.”
Cherry Berry froze.
“Wait,” Lyra said. “You mean, Cherry Pop as in Bonnie has that big poster of her on our bedroom ceiling Cherry Pop?”
“The one and the same!” Vinyl laughed. “Apparently she’s in Ponyville, and Beefy’s looking for her.”
No no no no no no! Cherry Berry panicked. Sure, the recolouring of her mane had fooled the populus of Ponyville pretty well—enough so that Bon Bon had evidently not recognised her when she was in buying chocolates every Tuesday—but she knew a bad dye job wouldn’t fool Beef.
She crammed the last of her work into her saddlebag and galloped out the park, lamenting the fact that if she didn’t want to keep her identity so secret, it sounded like she could have been getting a lot more free chocolate from Bon Bon’s shop.
“Oh my gosh!” A pink pony with an unruly mane stopped in front of Beef, impossibly stretching her neck and pushing her face into his. “You’re new in town! Oh gosh, we have to organise a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party for you!”
Beef Swellington looked the earth pony over. She was a little plump, not too much, but she looked round and soft in all the right places. Plenty of ‘cushin for the pushin’, as he oft liked to say. He scratched his chin as she smiled wide at him.
“Eh, sure,” he replied with a shrug. “I could spare a couple of minutes for a party.”
The pink mare inhaled sharply.
“A couple of minutes? Oh no! We’ll have to be quick!” The impossibly-strong mare dragged Beef through the streets of Ponyville towards a house that looked like it was made from pastry. “I won’t have time to invite anyone else, but a party can still be fun with just two!”
Beef weighed up the possibilities. This mare was willing to bring friends… maybe he could spare more than a few minutes. But alas, no, Beef was here on a mission, and could only spend a little time on a side conquest.
“Mr. Cake,” the mare called as she dragged Beef through the front doors and towards the stairs. “I’m just taking my friend upstairs for a quick party!”
The stallion looked at the minotaur, his eyes going wide with recognition. “Pinkie, no, wai—” the stallion called out, before ‘Pinkie’ closed the door to the room.
Beef looked around the room. There was no bed, but there was a table in the center. The room itself was huge, and now he was truly regretting not having time for ‘Pinkie’ to invite her friends to the party.
Really regretting it.
“So, if we need to be quick, what game did you want to play first? I don’t have any cake, but I think I have some sweets around here somewhere—”
Beef let his hands fall on ‘Pinkie’s’ rump, and gave them a little squeeze.
“Like I said, babe, I haven’t got long, so we’ll have to get to the main event.”
Cherry galloped through the market, dodging and weaving through the ponies out doing their shopping.
A loud boom filled the air, and everypony turned towards Sugar Cube Corner. Flying from the window of the second floor was a confetti covered minotaur.
Cherry gulped, and resumed her pacing, ignoring Pinkie Pie’s loud scream of “I’m not that kind of party girl!”
Beef landed with a loud splash in the central fountain of Ponyville.
Onlookers stared at him with shock, as he lifted himself out of the water, still ‘full mast’.
“Wow, that looks like it hurt, Mister!” a young unicorn filly gasped.
“I’ve seen plenty of crashes, but that one was awesome!” an orange pegasus filly cheered.
“Oh no! Girls, he’s got a sprain!” a yellow earth pony filly said.
All three of the fillies looked towards the minotaur.
“Oh yeah! Just like that time we found Miss Cheerilee was helpin’ Big Mac!” the unicorn filly gasped.
The orange pegasus looked at the earth pony, then to the unicorn. “So, all we have ta do is kiss it lots, and he’ll be better?”
All three fillies looked at each other and screamed, “Cutie Mark Crusader Nurses, yay!”
Nope!
As difficult as it was to run, Beef high-tailed it out of the plaza as fast as his hooves could take him.
“Awww, but I wanted to try get my cutie mark as a nurse,” the pegasus filly groaned.
“Ah dunno… now that Ah think about it, Ah don’t know if Ah really wanna kiss that better. Ah bet it’s all gross.”
“Maybe, but I saw Rarity helping Fancy Pants with his sprain once too,” the unicorn said. “And you know how fussy Rarity is, so it must be okay!”
Beef stood in the middle of a small bush; it covered up to his torso, thankfully hiding certain parts of his anatomy.
Specifically, his dick.
Beef had hoped that the owner wouldn’t mind, but it was starting to get just a little embarrassing… running around town still half-mast. True, he was a porn star, but that didn’t necessarily make him an exhibitionist.
Hopefully he could wait it out, before braving the streets again.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” a feminine voice said. “I thought Roseluck lived here. Did she move?”
Beef looked up and noticed a light-grey pegasus mare wearing a blue postal uniform. “Uhh, no, I was just resting. Rosebud probably still lives here.”
Beef noticed the odd look the mailmare was giving him. Specifically the directions in which she was looking. One eye seemed firmly fixed on his face, while the other…
Beef shifted uncomfortably.
“Hey, you probably know where she lives!” Beef said, smiling in triumph.
“Where who lives? Roseluck? Here still,” she replied. “I think.”
“No, not her. I’m looking for… an old friend, Cherry Pop.”
“Sorry, Mister. Even if I did know, I couldn’t tell.” The mare shook her head. “Postmare’s rules.”
Beef Swellington slumped. This was getting harder than he anticipated.
“But, if she’s got something to do with cherries, maybe Applejack will know her. She knows all the farmers in Ponyville.”
“Who—” he started to ask.
“Orange mare with a cowpony hat, she’ll be at the markets today, probably at her stand,” the mailmare said as she started beating her wings. Lifting off from the ground, she turned back to him—once again—both eyes in different directions. “Though you might want to get rid of that before you visit her.”
With a laugh and a wink, the mare took off into the sky.
Designs! Cherry Berry thought as she scrambled about her small workshop. Damn the clothes, damn everything. Did I remember to pack my designs?
Cherry tossed several bags filled with sheets of paper into her cart. It was a shame her aerial screw wasn’t ready yet… she’d have to start all over again.
Where would she go? The Crystal Empire, maybe?
I’ll need to take enough for somewhere to stay… at least until I can transfer my bits.
After ‘sorting out’ his ‘problem’ in Roseluck’s bush, Beef made his way back towards the town square, where the market was still in full force.
He kept an eye out for the described cowpony hat wearing mare. It was a hard thing, too, as there were many other mares, and even a few stallions, that were threatening to distract his search.
There was way too much talent in Ponyville. Maybe he’d have to scout it out another time, assuming they weren’t all like that crazy pink one.
He managed to find the mare in the cowpony hat, spying her across the street next to a large red stallion. Both were attending an apple stand, just as the gray pegasus had described.
She was certainly a looker. He admired the taut muscles of her hind quarters; bulging muscles, likely from years of manual labour, snaked up her rear legs and along her back. The small, almost imperceptible swish of her tail drew the eyes towards her well toned plot. Beef wondered why nopony else was looking at such a unique and magnificent specimen, when the large red stallion caught his eyes with the most dangerous glare Beef had ever had leveled at him.
Ahhh, jealous boyfriend, Beef reasoned.
Ignoring the glower that was being leveled at him, Beef crossed the market and headed towards the apple stall.
“Well, howdy partner,” Applejack said, as she greeted the large minotaur. “What can Ah do ya for?”
Something flashed across the minotaur’s face, but it was gone before she could say anything.
“I’m looking for somepony, and I was told you would be the best pony to ask.”
“Ah dunno if Ah’m the best pony ta ask,” Applejack said, as she scratched her head and knocked her stetson back. “Ah’d say Pinkie Pie is the one ta ask, but somethin’s got her riled up awful fierce today, so Ah guess Ah could help.”
Applejack tried to hide the scowl as the minotaur picked up an apple and started chewing on it. Without paying!
“I’m looking for a pony named Cherry Pop,” the minotaur explained. “‘Bout this tall, last I saw her.” He motioned with his hands the average height of just about any mare in Ponyville. That was real helpful! “She’s also got a dark pink coat and a bright pink mane. Also has a cherry cutie mark.”
Okay, so that was a little more helpful; Applejack had a good feeling she knew who he was after. Cherry Berry matched that description, aside from the mane colour. And Applejack always felt the crazy mare had been hiding something; a mane-job being the least of it.
“Ah might know who yer after,” Applejack said, furrowing her brow and staring at the minotaur. “Ah guess it all depends on why yer looking for her.”
“Love!” the minotaur replied.
“Love?” Applejack’s jaw dropped. Of all the explanations she had expected, that was not it. She had thought maybe Cherry had welched on a debt, or was involved in something shady. While this minotaur certainly seemed a little dodgy, she didn’t sense in him any deceit.
“Aye, love!” the minotaur confirmed, as he stood there flexing his muscles.
All in all, while he looked ridiculous, he did seem pretty harmless. She couldn’t give him Cherry’s address, in case he wasn’t all he seemed, but she could at least point him in the direction of the town hall. She had seen the mare running that way earlier.
“Welp, Ah think Ah know who yer lookin’ for, but she goes by the name Cherry Berry these days. An’ she has a blonde mane now.” Applejack pointed a hoof in the direction of the town hall. “Ah saw her headin’ that way ‘bout fifteen minutes ago.”
The minotaur nodded his thanks, and turned away. Applejack felt her eye twitch.
That no good cow herder’s gunna leave without pa—
Suddenly, the minotaur swung back around. “Oh, I forgot!”
Applejack let her face relax back into a smile. It was always good to trust in the honesty of her fellow creatures.
“You and your girlfriend got a great look about you.” The minotaur hoofed over a card to Big Mac. “Lots of ponies like the country flicks. Ever get bored of farming, drop me a line!”
Applejack watched as Big Mac turned the card over in his hooves. Meat Beat Productions, makers of Equestria’s finest por—
Applejack slapped the card out of Mac’s hooves and glowered at the minotaur. “Th-That’s mah brother yer talkin’ about!”
“Oh, even better,” the minotaur replied with a wink. “That pays a lot more.”
Applejack stared at the minotaur, dumbfounded. Her brother began to beat his head on the edge of the stall.
“Nope.” Thunk. “Nope.” Thunk.“Nope.” Thunk.“Nope.” Thunk.
Furious, Applejack swung around and introduced the horrible minotaur to Bucky McGillicutty and Kicks McGee.
Beef awoke from his daze, a second time, lying in the fountain.
Given the damage his previous fall into the fountain had caused, it couldn’t really be called a fountain anymore. Perhaps a moist slab was more appropriate.
Groaning he got to his hooves, and spied across the square the very mare Applejack had described.
It was her. He’d finally found her, his lost love.
Cherry Pop.
“Cherry!” the minotaur shouted as she ran across the square.
“Oh no!” the mare yelped, as she piled the last of her belongings into the hot-air balloon.
“Cherry!” the minotaur shouted as he closed in on her. “It’s me, Beefy! Wait!”
Cherry clambered into the balloon, and quickly started loosening the ballast bags.
She cackled with delight as the balloon started to rise. She’d done it, she’d esca—
Her ascent stopped suddenly, and she looked over the side to see Beef, holding fast to the securing rope she had forgotten to remove.
“Cherry, wait!” he called, as he started to climb.
Argh! Stupid hands! she groaned, as she dove into her knapsack to find a knife.
“Cherry, please, take me back! I love you!” Beef yelled as he struggled to climb. “No pony has been able to satisfy me quite like you!”
Cherry halted in her rummaging, her eye twitching. “Love?” she yelled.
“Yes, love!” the minotaur called out.
“LOVE!” she shouted. “It was sex, nothing else. Stupid sex! And I only did it to pay for college!”
“But we were meant to be together,” Beef shouted, drawing the attention of the market. “No mare fits me quite like you do!”
Cherry bashed her head against the bottom of the basket. Why not just shout to the entirety of Equestria just how loose I am!
The bottom of the basket had too much give, and did not satisfy her attempt to bludgeon herself into oblivion like a good wall would do.
Resuming her search, she found the small rope knife, and made her way towards the edge of the basket.
“You think what we had was love?” she yelled as she started to saw through the thick rope. “How many other mares did you bang at the time?”
“I was getting paid for it, they didn’t mean anything to me!” he called back.
“Exactly! We were getting paid for it,” she yelled, ignoring the stares from everypony in the now very-silent marketplace. “That’s not love! That’s sex! That’s pornography!”
“What’s pornography?” she heard three young voices call out.
She continued cutting through the rope, though the fibers were beginning to snap under the minotaur’s weight at this point.
“Move on! Find some other girl to rut! Find someone else to put on film! I’m done!”
With that, the rope finally gave way, and the minotaur fell with a loud thump as he hit the ground.
Cherry cackled with glee as the balloon floated away.
Beef sat in the fountain he’d landed in for a third time that day.
He was not sure how long he had sat there, miserable, having watched his one true love fly out of his life… again.
It had surely been ten, maybe even fifteen minutes of the darkest moment for his soul.
“Excuse us, sir,” a dark blue pegasus with a brilliant cerulean mane said, drawing his attention. “We notice that thou art… well, thou art sitting in a fountain. Art thou well?”
Beef stared blankly at the pegasus. What was she saying?
A white unicorn with a pink mane stood next to her. “Crescent Moon, what are you doing? We’ll be late for our visit… Twinkle and Tempo will be waiting at the restaurant for us.””
“We noticed this minotaur sitting in the fountain, sister, we thought it appropriate to ask if he were all right.” The pegasus stared at the unicorn, before going wide eyed. “Unless… Sister, is it a modern custom to sit in a fountain? Our education hath spoken nothing of that!”
“N-No…” the unicorn replied as she stared at Beef.
Sisters. The word echoed through Beef’s mind. Education tumbled around in there too.
“How would you fine mares like to forget all about your college debts?” Beef asked, getting back to his hooves. “Have either of you… have you ever wanted to be in films?”