1 - I Need Me A Pair Of These ✂
Chapter ✂: I Need Me A Pair Of These
Ever get the feeling that something is not quite right? That sensation when you walk into a room, or you’re meeting that gaunt pony with the tight vest and he smiles smarmily at you with his hoof held out? You feel it in your mane. How the hairs stick out, sending prickles of doubt and uncertainty cascading down your spine and shivering out the tips of your tail? That’s your hair. That’s your hair talking.
Usually they’re silent. They like to sleep, to just wave happily about on your smooth coat. They like to style themselves in different pigmentations. Blue, green, yellow, orange, brown, purple… you name it, there’s a colour for it. But hair tends to get bored sometimes and they like to act up when nopony is around to look at them. When you’re alone, and in the dark, they peek out to see what the heck is going on. Sometimes, just before the bad pony gets you, they scream out: ‘It’s here! Run!’.
You never listen to the hair. Let me assure you, they get quite frustrated when you don't.
This is a story about a purple-pigmented strand of hair sitting just to the right of a similarly hued unicorn. Fluffy Foo was generally happy to be a part of Twilight Sparkle’s coat. The diminutive hair strand thought Twilight was a bit of pedantic know-it-all but she wouldn’t trade her spot on Twilight’s shoulder for the world. This is despite the fact that Twilight never bothered to brush Fluffy down and had her twisted close next to Fuzzy Foozy, one of the most obnoxious hair strands on Twilight’s coat. Yet Fluffy still had a certain fondness for Twilight.
You might ask, why does Fluffy like Twilight so much?
It was simple. Twilight’s shoulder was perhaps the best view in all of Equestria. It was front-row access seats to the best action and adventure movie of all time. How many unicorns, let alone their hairs, could claim they had bore witness to manticores, dragons, changelings, kings, princesses and the greatest forces of good and evil alike? Why, not too long ago, Twilight and Fluffy had seen the reformation of the Lord of Chaos himself!
However, Fluffy was a little distracted today. Understandably distracted, for today was experimentation day. Twilight was cooped up in her small science lab, playing with dangerous chemicals. Chemicals that were decidedly inimical to hair life. Fluffy’s worst fear was hydrochloric acid. Not because Twilight spilled it anywhere near Fluffy, Fluffy didn’t envy those near Twilight’s hoof, but because the fumes tended to make her keratin feel all itchy.
Yet... it was not the hydrochloric acid that set Fluffy on edge. It was her fellow hair strands.
Fuzzy Foozy bent his follicular mass closer to Fluffy.
“Hey there good-looking. Nice to see you again. Getting a bit closer everyday? I know, it’s because of my keratin conditioning right? I had some extra growth and it’s coming in new today.”
If Fluffy had eyes, she would roll them impatiently. Fuzzy had the hair-raising habit of placing emphasis on his words. They made his inane prattling completely unbearable.
“Fuzzy stop,” she growled in reply. “You know just as well as I do that we don’t have a choice in the matter of our positioning.” Fluffy frowned. “You can’t even grow independently.”
“Well I’ll have you know-“
“Shh!” Fluffy perked up, she could feel a ripple pass through the ranks. “Oh no.”
“What?”
“Twilight’s attempting another experiment. She forgot to add the bis-phosphonate by-product to catalyse the thaumic chain.”
“The what now?”
“She added something in wrong. It’s going to explode.”
“Oh I see… wait what?!”
BOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The explosion flattened the hair follicles around Fluffy, she instinctively ducked for cover and hoped for the best. That was the life of a hair. One day there, the next, on the teeth of a comb or mane brush. It was a tough life. Fluffy was glad she wasn’t on Rarity’s coat. That mare plucked out her hair sometimes. Sometimes she could hear their screams in her sleep.
“Oooooh,” Fluffy moaned pathetically. “Everystrand okay?”
She peeked around. All around her were smoking tips and half charred follicles. Everystrand was gone. Even…
“Fuzzy?” she called out. “Fuzzy!”
There was no reply. For once in her hair cycle, Fluffy missed that annoying little hair strand.
“Fuzzy!” she tried again. “I’m not joking around, Fuzzy, come on out!”
“Who’s saying that? Anypony there?!” A voice answered. It was a familiar voice, but the last one that Fluffy had expected to reply to her call.
“Fuzzy? Who’s Fuzzy? Hello?” Twilight continued. After a long silence, Twilight shook her head, sending wisps of air flowing around a distraught Fluffy.
“Fuzzy,” Fluffy whispered sadly. Then she sighed regretfully, it'd be a long wait until she could talk to Fuzzy again. “See you next cycle then.”
——
Huh, Twilight thought curiously. I didn’t expect that.
Twilight put a hoof to her chin.
Maybe I need a break. I was hearing voices before. That was weird. Was it the exploding potion? I was probably just tired...
Twilight shook her head again. She glanced at the clock.
Oh no! I’m almost late for-
“You’re almost late for your meeting with Pinkie.”
Twilight froze. There was that voice again.
She looked left.
She looked right.
“Hello?” she tried again as a shiver crept down her spine.
Where was that voice coming from?
“Over here.”
Twilight looked at the floor.
“No! On your shoulder, Twilight.”
Twilight shifted her gaze slowly to her shoulder. She noticed, quite distraughtly, that her shoulder was bare but for a single hair strand. It waved around mockingly in a field of charred hair remains. Twilight gulped. Her head whipped around frantically.
Oh Celestia, where was that voice coming from? How could it see my shoulder?
“Oh gosh, for the smartest unicorn since Star Swirl you can be thicker than half the books you read! I’m the hair on your shoulder. Here!”
Twilight returned her gaze to the burnt shoulder patch. The lone hair follicle waved again.
A sudden thought struck Twilight.
“Discord,” she hissed menacingly. She heard a despondent sigh.
“I wish it were so, Twilight,” the soothing voice continued. Twilight thought it sounded decidedly feminine. “But alas I believe Chaos magic is not a part of this. He is reformed, remember? I simply wish to go back to observing and talking without being heard,” it-she sighed again.
Twilight started. “You mean… all my hairs are alive?”
There was a snort. “Of course, if we weren’t you’d be balder than Gummy.”
"Gummy doesn’t grow hair.”
“Exactly.”
A pause.
“So in the shower?”
“Yep.”
“Going to school?”
“Yep.”
A pause.
“Behind that cake shop?”
“Yep.”
A longer pause.
“Magic kindergarten?!” Twilight squeaked.
“…Yeeeeep.”
Twilight collapsed with her hooves pressed firmly to her tightly shut eyes.
“And you sit there just watching us go about our business?”
“Weeeeeeeeeeeelllllllll, we also judge you.”
Twilight peeked out from behind her hooves.
“Judge us?”
“More like critiquing.”
“Critiquing?”
“Yep, so an example right there is repeating what other ponies say like a broken record. That’s definitely a minus one there.”
“Minus one?”
“You know, if you keep going I’m going to have to bring it down to minus two.”
Twilight got a crick in her neck from craning it to her shoulder. She huffed.
“Why would you do that? What could you possibly gain from judging us?”
“Oh no worries Twilight, you have quite a high score. Minus two hundred and seventy five million eight hundred and sixty two thousand three hundred and twenty five- wait -twenty seven counting those last two. You’re ranked number three in all of Ponyville! Congratulations!”
“Thank you,” Twilight blushed then caught herself. “Wait a minute, you haven’t explained why you keep score in the first place!”
The strand flittered a bit as Twilight’s hot breath passed through her keratin body.
“Well, if you must know it’s because we’re so dreadfully bored.”
“Bored?”
“What did I say about repeating yourself? Ugh, twenty eight- where was I? Oh yes, what would you do sitting on somepony's shoulder while she goes about her business? We compare scores whenever we meet up. Keeps things lively and a bit interesting. Just this other day you saw Fluttershy, didn't you? When you hugged, the hairs chatted for a bit. I met a strand named Furry, nicely kept strand, though a bit shy like her host.”
“Wha- host?”
“Well yes, if you’re going to compare us to something ecological I think we would fall under ‘symbiotic organism’. You give us nutrients through your skin and we grow and keep you warm and preserve your modesty most of the time. Could use a little more recognition, but hey you always thought we were just hair.”
“Don’t you call yourselves hair?”
“Yes, we do. Hmm, we should really come up with a better name. Oh well, for all intents and purposes we are hair. So I guess it doesn’t make a difference unless you’re talking to us.”
“I can’t deal with this, this is just a lot to take in. None of it really makes any sense.”
“I understand, Twilight. Are you thinking of sending a letter to the Princess?”
“What? Yes! No! What? Ugh, stop it! How did you know what I was going to do?”
“Well when you live with someone long enough you tend to know what they’re thinking. It’s an interesting phenomenon-“
“Ugh! Could you just be quiet for a bit?! I’m trying to think here.” Twilight rubbed her aching temples with her hooves. The strand fell silent.
Suddenly a bang echoed through the library basement. The sharp clatter of hooves reverberated down the stairs.
“Twilight!” an excitable, bubbly voice called out. “Twilight! My Pinkie Sense told me something big was going to happen here- woah! What happened to your coat?”
“Oh it was just a lab accident,” Twilight replied, smiling despite herself. It was always good to see a friend. “My hair started talking," she continued, sighing. "Do you know everypony has hair that’s alive? They keep tabs on us all the time!” Twilight laughed hard. “I must sound absolutely crazy to you now.”
Pinkie cocked her head and looked at Twilight in a way that made Twilight feel like she had just pointed out the obvious.
“Duh, that’s how my Pinkie Sense works. My hair is super, super smart! I just listen to it all the time! We even worked out a code for talking! Twitchy twitch!”
Twilight stared at Pinkie, her jaw agape.
“Hey,” Fluffy called out. “It’s the number one ranker! Yooooooo wassup?”