1: Why the Fuck do You Look Like a Fuckin' Poodle?
We have quickly decided that we are going to write everything down. Our cameras have disappeared, or we have lost them, but notepads and pencils should suffice. We will not reference ourselves further in the writings, unless we are addressed. Please realize that we already believe that we have somehow fallen under the influence of drugs.
"Holy fuck, Julian!" Ricky shouted enthusiastically, "Look at these fuckheads!" Julian stirred slightly, and lifted his head groggily.
"What the fuck's going on?" Julian groaned, albeit loudly, as he forced himself upwards and blinked his eyes open. Immediately his face took on a look of concentration, and of disbelief.
"The camera fucks, they're all short and hairy, fuckin' look!" Ricky insisted, looking on to his friend, and ignoring - or failing to notice - how short and hairy Julian was.
"Ricky..." Julian said, as he made eye contact with the marijuana enthusiast, and then carefully looked himself over.
"Hey fucks for brains!" Ricky taunted, and approached one of the camera crew members, [pencil scribble trails off the page, writing picks up two lines down] -and reached for his notepad violently. "Why the fuck do you look like a fuckin' poodle?"
"Ricky." Julian said a bit more loudly this time. He was very carefully examining his surroundings, with large grey mountains dispersed in various directions, one of them trumping all the others, and a dense forest to the south. Both him and his friends were all sitting, standing, or lying on a Macadam road, which trailed over a hill in one direction, and into the forest in another.
"Yeah Jules?" Ricky said, affirmatively, and looking back to the muscular figure, still wearing his black shirt and gold chain.
"Ricky, look at yourself." Julian said, almost pitifully.
Ricky mouthed a 'why' to himself, before looking down at his chest. It was hairy - no, that would have been normal - actually, the issue was that it was furry. Following the strange sight of his own chest, Ricky audibly cursed in confusion, and looked around the rest of his body, which was short, furry, and most oddly; quadrupedal.
"What in the fuck's wrong with my fuckin' body?"
"I think we're hallucinating, Rick." Julian said calmly, and instinctively raised his hand hoof to his face, before realizing it was devoid of rum, at which point he began looking very upset.
It was at this time the two had their attention drawn to something else, a small furry creature (comparable to Ricky and Julian's new form), that was a bright yellow, with cerise eyes and two-tone blue hair which curled over her brow, and around what looked like a single horn. On her haunch, there was a clear image of three blue-green hearts that sort of swirled around each other. She spoke with a slight drawl to the two criminals.
"Do you fellows need any help?" She asked, politely and warmly.
"Yeah." Ricky said. "Do you know where we can get some fuckin' liquor?" Julian hissed Ricky's name angrily, but not before the stranger spoke again.
"Excuse me?" She seemed honestly shocked, rather than upset.
"Sorry about that." Julian said deeply, pushing Ricky aside, and stepping up to her. "I'm Julian, and that's Ricky."
"Uh, I'm-" She glanced at Ricky cautiously."I'm Lemon Hearts, nice to meet you." She picked her happy tone back up, and smiled.
"Well, Lemon Hearts." Julian said, and the mare couldn't help but take notice of his large form beneath his tight, black shirt. "We could actually use some help, I think we're lost."
"Oh! Well Ponyville's just a few minutes down this road, it'll be no problem to find."
Julian tried not to look disappointed, and Ricky could be heard faintly in the background "What in the fuck is a 'Pony-bill'?"
"Hm. I don't think I've ever been to Ponyville." He said politely, and Lemon picked up on the queue.
"It's just a nice little rural hub, almost dead center of Equestria. You must have gotten yourselves blown way off course to not have heard of it. The Elements of Harmony live there!"
Ricky questioned the speech of the strange creature, and swore some more, but far enough away that Julian could cough over it. Julian also hadn't understood many of the phrases Lemon had spoken of, but he could piece it together in context. Ponyville was a town of some sort, Equestria was either a province or a country of a kind, and the Elements of Harmony were probably a band or something. It sounded something like the newer music Julian had heard.
"Thanks, Ms. Hearts. We really gotta get our bearings, but I hope we meet again." He smiled slightly, and Lemon returned the gesture, somewhat swoonily. Julian gestured for Ricky to follow, and they began to walk down the road in the opposite direction as Lemon had been, before she stopped them with a worried voice.
"Ooh, what about your friend there? Is he alright?" Julian turned around to see a grey animal, just like him and Rick, but with short blonde hair, and absolutely gargantuan glasses. He was paralyzed on the ground, staring ever-forward. Ricky swore under his breath, and ran up to his friend.
"Bubs, you fuckin' alright?" He asked, waving a hoof in front of the winged poodle-horse. Bubbles did not respond. "Julian, it's like when he was in the fuckin' telephone house!"
"This is worse." Julian said calmly, again worrying himself with the absence of his rum. "In the booth he woke up pretty fast." Julian approached the catatonic animal. "Bubbles, you there bud?"
Again, no response. Julian frowned in worry, and Ricky punched stomped the road in anger. Lemon Hearts chimed in, trying to be helpful and calm.
"Ponyville Hospital has a mental ward, if you think he's in danger." She said with an earnest frown.
"That sounds like a bet." Julian nodded. "Thanks again, Lemon Hearts. You really saved our asses." Just as Julian caught his curse, he was surprised to see that it didn't seem to upset the yellow creature. Perhaps 'ass' meant something else in their culture. Lemon Hearts bid her farewells, and Ricky helped Julian to get Bubbles onto his back. It was hard, without hands, but they managed it eventually. Julian always felt well when he got a chance to put his muscles to use, even if it required his friend being catatonic.
They made it down the road quickly enough, even with Julian being slightly weighed down. The whole way, Ricky was trotting ahead, and bending down to inspect various plants along the path. Every plant he saw made him look more upset, and finally, just before they made it to the crest of a hill, Ricky came up to Julian with an exasperated expression.
"I got bad news, Jules." He said, sighing loudly.
"What, that we're fuckin' horses?"
"No. There's no fuckin' weed here." Julian looked unimpressed. "I mean fuckin' anywhere, Julian. It's like some asshole came in and took all the weed away."
"Ricky, how could you possibly know that? You've only seen a hundred foot section of road."
"Julian, you might know a lot about books and liberries and whatever, but I know my fuckin' weed. You can tell if there's weed somewhere, it's not just the plants on their fuckin' own. There's other signs and shit."
Julian didn't press the matter. It seemed a little suspicious that the grass went on for miles, even and perfectly trimmed, but he just presumed that the area had a high standard of living, and they probably hired a bunch of dudes to mow the grass. Plenty of places could manage that, especially central hubs with low residency and high tourism. This place, according to the short description that Lemon Hearts had provided, sounded exactly like that.
"Well we don't plan on staying. Fuck, we'll probably just wake up and realize we were running around Sunnyvale naked and high." As Julian finished, the trio crested the hill.
"Oh my fuck." Even Ricky was surprised.
A massive town lay before them, with cobble roads and thatched roofing, like some kind of farming community. Creatures like the trio of criminals littered the streets, babbling and chuckling. The population was a pool of every colour from maroon to neon green. As they looked up, they saw a few flying, and sitting on the clouds. They had wings, though they were very small. Julian was quick to spot that another fraction of the populace had horns protruding from their foreheads. Another few seemed impressively unremarkable.
"Hey, you think that Bubbles could fly with those fuckers?" Ricky broke Julian's trance, and he shook his head shakily.
"Looks like it." He consciously forced himself not to reach for his rum again. "Maybe the ones with horns can do something fucky too."
"Fuckin' give it a try." Ricky suggested, sniffing a dandelion and swearing.
Julian was about to ask what Ricky was talking about, before he caught what it could possibly have meant. He crossed his eyes, looking at his snout and then pulled them upward. Indeed, there was a calcified extremity atop his crown. He swore a little spark of electricity cracked off of it for a second.
"What the fuck?" Julian furrowed his brow, slightly angry. "Ricky, why don't you have something weird stuck on you?"
"How the fuck should I know?" Ricky kicked a flower out of the ground. "But I'm starting to get fucking pissed there's no god damn weed here!" He shouted, loud enough that a few of the distant residents ahead raised their heads.
"Ricky, calm down. We'll find weed somewhere, but there's something fucked about these things. They're really on edge, and you're gonna fuckin' scare them. Try to keep your cool, alright?" Ricky just snorted. "For Bubbles."
Immediately Ricky's expression perked. "Alright, I can stay calm until we get him to the doctor at least. But then I'm going to find some weed and I can't be held repentable for what I do if someone gets in my fuckin' way."
Julian nodded, and beckoned Ricky. They clenched their teeth and stood tall, as they headed toward the town. They would have been lying if they said they weren't afraid. The swarm of pastel poodle horses was a mere inch from them, and Julian took a deep breath, before carrying his motionless friend into the sea of colours. It was loud, and Julian had to dodge citizens more than once, but he waded on. Determinedly ignoring the dozens of voices shouting greetings and exclamations.
Eventually the sound was overwhelming.
"Oh, are you new here?"
"Howdy!"
"What's your name?!"
Julian gritted his teeth, and furrowed his brow angrily. He was about to plug his ears, when he realized that would cause him to fall over. He groaned, the symphony of chaos surrounding him was ridiculous, and far too high pitched. Glancing back at Ricky, he saw his friend looking just as upset. When they made eye contact, Ricky gave a look that asked "Can I swear at them now?" Julian shook his head, and spoke up.
"Everyone listen up!" His voice was deep, where all the others were high, and it penetrated the cacophony with ease. "My friend here is sick. We need to get to the hospital, can anyone point it out?"
Mumbles rippled across the swarm, discussing things such as hospitals, and species-specific dialects. Eventually somebody put their hoof high up into the air, and held their breath conspicuously. Everyone else quietly watched them.
"Yes?" Julian eventually asked.
"It's right over there!" The pastel denizen said happily.
"Thank you." Julian sighed loudly, and went on his way. When the swarm began to follow him again, he shouted. "Stay!" and they all paused, then let him go silently, but with heart crushing frowns of utter disappointment.
Now there was a berth of calm, and space around the outsiders. Ricky was thankful, because he could swear under his breath now, without anyone hearing. It was still hard on him though, and Julian could tell his friend was in distress about the sudden suppression of his language.
"Not much longer Ricky, you can make it."
"I don't fu--" Ricky's face twitched, and he began to breathe more heavily. "I don't know, Julian."
And for a few minutes, there was quiet. When they finally stepped through the hospital doors, Ricky looked threateningly close to his capacity of restrained curses, and Bubbles looked no less inanimate than before. Immediately upon entering, a receptionist beckoned them over worriedly, and a nurse bolted to get a hospitable bed. The lady [Foot note indicates presumed gender. "Longer hair, higher voice, rounder features...?"] at the front desk had a horn, and it began to glow softly. Julian blinked is eyes twice, and after that a feather pen was hovering above a piece of paper, with a similar green glow around it. He was about to ask on the matter, when the receptionist spoke frantically.
"You're checking your pegasus friend in?"
Ricky cursed, through his sleeve to muffle it. "The fuck is a pegasaurus?!"
"Bless you." Julian covered for Ricky. "Yeah, we don't know what's wrong with him. He's just... Not responding to anything."
"Oh dear!" The brown furred animal seemed drastically upset. "Could you tell me his name, pre-existing medical conditions, and any allergies to medications or spell treatments?"
"His name is Bubbles." Julian started. "He's got bad eyesight, if that counts for anything, but I don't think there's anything else wrong with him."
"Of course." She stated, still clearly anxious. "A team should be with you in just a moment."
As promised, the same nurse from before, and another one to help, came back with a rolling medical bed. Using what looked like the same method the receptionist used for her pen, these two lifted Bubbles onto the portable furnishing, and one began examining him while the other pushed him along the hallway.
"Where the fuck are they taking him?" Ricky demanded. "They better not hurt Bubs!" He turned to Julian.
"He'll be just fine!" The receptionist assured, trying to smile. "They just need some time to analyze and begin work on his condition. If you tell me where you live, I can have a message delivered when he's ready to be visited." She said, floating various files around determinedly.
"We're... Not from around here." Julian hesitantly offered.
"Well, check back in a couple hours, then. He'll almost certainly be ready by then." She smiled, and began scribbling. "If there isn't anything else, I've got a lot of paper work to do... Sorry!" She seemed genuinely apologetic.
"It's no problem." Julian acknowledged, and turned back to Ricky, before the two began walking out of the bay. Once outside, Ricky sighed in relief.
"Julian, you can do what the fuck you want, but I've gotta find some fucking weed or hash or something, this is fucking me up." He was already poking at various plants, and sniffing the ground like a bloodhound.
"You're not going to fucking abandon me here are you?" Julian tried to sip his absent drink, again. He nearly spat in anger, again.
"Sorry, Jules!" Ricky shouted, he was a good city block away, weaving in and around houses without a moments hesitation.
"Fuck!" Julian shouted, as he lost sight of his friend.
He was alone, outside a hospital filled with what could be very, very, loosely described as horses and surrounded by yet more of the colourful, bouncy, loud animals. He struggled to find something to latch on to, a goal or landmark. There was nothing, not in his mind. He was alone, lost, and empty handed hoofed. Then he looked at his hooves, his horribly empty hooves, and in them he saw his goal. He needed a drink. So he cantered off, not really sure where to start looking.