The one and only chapter ever
Alicorny
"This is ridiculous." - groused the goddess of the land, tugging blanket over her head, - "Of all the things, why does it have to be a common flu that indisposes me so!?" True, Celestia practically never got sick, which made those few occasions when she did so distressing, both for her and for kingdom. Thankfully, Luna`s presence in the castle ameliorated the situation to the point where Celestia could afford to consider herself on "sick leave". Last time that happened, she had no such opportunity. Shuddering, alicorn nuzzled into her pillow, banishing the memories. Sitting on the throne, wrapped in blanket, runny nose and sneezing fits, she felt like the very icon of misery. So much better this time... Though if she could choose, she`d skip on being sick entirely.
Door creaked slightly, making sick alicorn chuckle softly. Every time a new royal handypony had been adopted into service, they would obsess over that door, breaking their minds and straining their bodies to make them stop creaking. Which, of course, was an impossible task. No, the door wasn`t enchanted. Not per ce. But it could not be fixed by any means for more then an hour. After that, creaking began again. Why? Because Celestia herself willed the door to warp in a ways that would make it creak. It was a perfect alarm system for her bedroom.
"We greet thou, our sister in heaven!" - ARGH!... "Luna... Bedroom voice, please!" - plead the ailing alicorn from under the blanket, her hooves covering ears. An embarrassed chuckle later, voice returned, this time at much more tolerable volume - "I`m sorry." As the door creaked again, Celestia could feel a surge of magic next to her. Luna had sealed the door with Royal Seal. Privacy. How indulgent. She dared to peek out from under the blankets. Luna indeed was there, along with the rolling table, and... WHAT WAS SHE WEARING!?
Incredulously, Celestia propped herself up and rubbed her eyes with hooves. Yet, nothing changed. Luna was wearing a maid suit. And not the prim apron and gloves set, like the maids of the castle - hers was all frilly puffs of black lace and sheer socks. "I..." - she shook her head, - "Either you`re decided to pick up our family tradition, or I`m hallucinating." Tittering softly, night mare trotted closer - "Well, I think it`s a little bit of first and a little bit of second."
"That`s... fascinating, really. I`m utterly confounded. So I`ll just ask... what`s the occasion?" - sun goddess offered dryly, reaching out for the box of tissues. Luna paused next to her sister`s bed, reaching out with hoof to feel her forehead gingerly - "Why, it`s so obvious. I get to take care of you, so why not dress up for the occasion as well? Speaking of taking care of..." She turned around and pulled the cart close with magic, deftly levitating steaming kettle, - "It`s time to take your medicine. Now, now, don`t put that frown on. I`ve had words with royal herbalist, and he "suddenly" found he has some hyssop stashed away. So none of that horrible willow bark tripe they`ve tried to feed you in the morning. Blech."
"BLOODY HOARDER!..." - typically, Celestia was not prone to express herself loudly, but right now... With the conversation still fresh on her aching mind - 'But your royal highness, we`re all out! I`ve sent ponies to collect, but it would surely take time to prepare hyssop. And after all, why would you trust in that ponyfolk brash when we have science on our side? I`m quite sure willowbark will soothe your illness just fine.' Luna`s hoof returned to Celestia`s forehead, stroking her just below the horn calmingly - "Hush, dear. Our little ponies can be so silly at times, but that`s what makes them amusing, does it not?"
Groaning, Celestia grasped the cup with both hooves and took a ginger sip of brew. Hyssop with honey and mint... sooo good. Mollified, she still felt the need to grumble - "I`ve half a mind to exile him to Everfree. For crying out loud, this obsession of his to have everything in stock had became... infuriating just now." Snickering, Luna took a seat on the edge of bed, looking on her sister fondly - "Now, now, it isn`t like you to grumble so, Celly-belly. Besides, I... ahem, introduced him to the concept of expiration date just now."
Day goddess blinked.... then let out a heartfelt chuckle - "...Should I expect a sudden growth of interest in herbal farming in the close future, then?" Luna shrugged dismissively - "Mayhaps so. But that would be just the thing to incite more ponies into my last project, so why not?" Celestia nodded thoughtfully - "The Greenhouse?... I have to admit, Luna, I`m amazed you`d devise something so... sun-related. Nonetheless, this is quite a project, indeed. Come to think of it, weren`t the eggplants we had at the dinner yesterday grown there?"
Absentmindedly, Luna nodded, pulling her hoof back slowly - "Quite so, yes... But Greenhouse is not exactly sun-related. Well, I mean, it is, but it`s just the first step." Setting aside her mostly empty cup, Celestia sat straighter. Her headache had been mostly alleviated by now, and she craved some communication. "Do tell, dear. I`ve never had the time to discuss the projects you`ve been engaging at at length... but now, it looks like I have time in excess. So do indulge me, please, if your time permits." - she implored, clapping her hooves together like a foal waiting for a fairytale.
Night mare chuckled softly, as she stretched out - "Time... Time I do have. It might come across as... ahem, criticism, dear sister, but it is my honest opinion you overindulge your subjects routinely. Why, practically all of them elected to conduct their business with royal court today in expedient and orderly manner. None of the lollygagging those darn nobles are so fond of spreading across the business." Her expression growing dimmer, Celestia sighed - "I just can`t treat them as briskly as you do, Luna. They are all looking up to me for a little warmth. Do tell - how many of them rescheduled to conduct their business with me instead?"
Luna`s face creased with annoyed frown for a moment - "Six out of thirteen tried to." Seeing the crestfallen expression creeping on Celestia`s face, she shook her head quickly - "All thirteen had been conducted, Celly. I`ve told them that even after rescheduling, their particular cases will still be presided by me." She grinned at the expression of relief on her sister`s face, and nudged her gently - "Hey, you told me I could have those cases, so I had them. But really, do you want to talk shop when you`re on a sick leave? For shame, sister, for shame."
Reaching out for her cup, Celestia downed the rest of herbal brew and leaned over Luna`s lap, depositing the cup on the cart - "Well, I do appreciate the effort, dear, but really... Can you be a bit warmer with them tomorrow?" Luna nodded - "Of course I could. But I`m not going to." She raised her hoof, stopping an objection from Celestia - "And that is for a good reason. You see, I`ve... employed some of my maids to collect rumors for me. One in particular stood to my attention. It`s widely considered among the court that the presented case has a better chance of positive decision, if the applicant elects to, heh, indulge you in a bit of idle chatter beforehand." White alicorn frowned - "...You mean to tell me they actually think it helps their case to test my patience? How... bloody inconvenient."
Blue alicorn nodded in response, smirking - "However, there is also a... well, not exactly a rumor, but a groan, more like. That one is all about how tedious and slow it is to process one`s application in the royal court. Ironic, isn`t it? They bemoan the problem that they explicitly cause." Celestia facehoofed, feeling her migraine resurfacing, - "Please tell me you have a plan." Luna tittered again, patting her sister`s shoulder affectionately - "Well, indeedy I do. Just the last hour, I`ve tasked my maids to spread a new rumor. That one would suggest that if a pony is interested in having their case processed briskly, applying in Night Court would be a better idea, for princess Luna is brisk and aloof."
Celestia blinked - "You want to hold the court regularly?" Luna nodded thoughtfully, her face pensive - "T`is not a decision I posit lightly, for it is quite a bother. However, as things stand, my projects are threatening to overgrow me. I would need ponies willing and able to invest work, time and bits into great beginnings. The Greenhouse, the expansions I`ve planned for the southern reaches... Two new manufactories I`m intending to build in Rust Belt. All of that needs workforce, and ponies capable of organising and energising said workforce are likely to be want to attend the court briskly."
Nodding, white alicorn shifted a bit to the side and sat up, propping her back against the pillows. "Why don`t you climb here, Luna, and tell me all about it? I`m... very curious about what you`re up to, and it does not help that I hear odds and ends here and there, but never a complete picture. So... Fill out the blanks, if you will?" - she proffered, patting the space next to her. "My, my, is that my sister inviting me into her bed? How scandalous." - Luna teased coquettishly, slipping next to Celestia, stretching her long legs over the blanket and leaning against her sister`s side.
She looked up, pleasantly surprised to see the blush marring the white cheeks of her sister. "Luna." - she whispered quietly - "Since when did you learn to be such an inappropriate tease?" Luna merely laughed, wrapping her socked foreleg around Celestia`s shoulders, pulling her closer - "I`ve observed the other ponies doing it. Relax, Celly-belly. I`m just horsing around a little." Her free forehoof traced a soft line over Celestia`s front, rubbing the aforementioned belly gingerly. Larger alicorn couldn`t help herself as her hindlegs bucked a bit at the feeling. "... Mrm..."
Keeping her hoof running in slow soft circles, Luna continued - "Well, let`s see... Court. I`m planning to hold a court session for two hours before sunset. That would give the businessponies a window of opportunity to ply their curt business applications. Nobles can have the ball at your court as much as they would like, I`d think." Ignoring the soft groan from white alicorn, she offered - "Maybe you could shorten your court time by an hour or so, at that. As for my projects... Let`s talk about Greenhouse first."
Nodding, Celestia nuzzled against her younger sister, resting her head on Luna`s shoulder. It`s been ages since she could do just that. It`s been ages since she had her belly rubbed, either. Luna drew in a long breath, as she began explaining - "Well, to begin with, it`s just an offshoot of lunartech.. As you obviously guessed by now. So the project is less about me discovering the new and more about getting ponies to discover the new I`ve already discovered on the moon. As I said, this is just a first step. Greenhouse facilities are meant to be a... well, training center, more or less. Once there will be enough of specialists on greenhouse growing, I might pitch them the next stage - using gas illumination and heating and automated irrigation to maintain a steady supply of fresh produce around the year. I`m also thinking about greater research into subterranean production - this will come in handy when we actually begin the expansion to the moon."
"Impressive.... Maybe once I`ll recover from this confound flu enough to prance around we can make a quick trip to the moon? It`s been a long while since I`ve seen the Dome from inside... I`m quite curious." - offered Celestia quietly, drifting between drowsiness and attention. Luna`s chuckling brought some sense of alert back to her - "I suppose we could, yes. Though I have to warn you, I`ve closed down the Dome for now, seeing as it would be a while before it`s facilities are in demand again. Still, my habitats should be quite ready to receive at any time."
Nodding slightly, white unicorn sighed - "I guess I comprehend the Greenhouse project... What about the southern expansion?" Luna nodded vigorously - "Ah, that`s it. You are, no doubt, aware of war between zebra tribes that is currently in effect? I have been thinking about it lately, and... I am of an opinion that the Zarhyme are just about ready to pledge sovereignty to step out of their skirmishes. In addition, our pony society is finally open to the idea of accepting zebras as fully fledged citizens, no doubt thanks to the open borders politic you`ve been managing in the last century. Arranging that will effectively expand Equestria all the way to the Equatorial Lakes."
Pausing for a moment, Celestia recalled the map of the region. "Hum." - she opined finally - "I`ve been thinking about this. But I`m not sure about clefting the zebra lands like that. If we suddenly assimilate Zarhyme as our royal subjects, war will coalesce right in that passage between the Lakes... Or spill over Equestria." Luna nodded thoughtfully - "That`s what I`m counting on... and that`s where the manufactories come into play. I`m planning to expand our road structure to the south. A big tract straight to Zarhyme lands will help the trade in any case, and if Zarhyme becomes a province of Equestria, we could expand the tract right to the North Equatorial Lake... As for war spilling over us? Right now, it`s spilling all over Zarhyme, but if they suddenly happen to find themselves as a part of Equestria, neither eastern tribes nor the Hegemony would be willing to encroach. And if worst comes to worst, Zarhyme would be significantly bolstered with booming trade to fight off either of the combatants easily. Not to mention that griffin mercenaries will flock there like vultures."
Celestia raised her hoof - "That. That in particular is what gave me pause. Griffin mercenaries are... ahem, notorious for prolonging the wars they`re involved in... and they`re pox on the land in peacetime either." Her younger sister smirked and gave Celestia`s belly a pat - "All the more reason to offload them on Hegemony, no?" White alicorn shook her head and then nodded, - "Hm... Well, yes, I suppose. Hegemony does entertain some silly notions that griffins would be quite eager to disprove. But... Hm. Wait a second, Luna. I think I have a... hm, suggestion."
"Oh? You thought of something, Celly-belly?" - Luna`s hoof sped up a little, pushing Celestia`s blanket down to rub against her bare belly. "Aaaimmm... mmmrm.... Yeah, well... It`s just an idea... Sabbrush had been quite... desperate lately. His flock is numerous, but hard-pressed for lands, and he dares not risk another flock war, not after his brother`s flock was decimated by Stormwing`s coalition. Perhaps... we could grant them the permission to settle in the Reef? Between Zarhyme under our protection, and Sabbrush`s flock just waiting for a casus belli to rush Hegemony half of the Reef, they`ll curb their appetites, I wager."
"The Rift, huh. But griffin tribes tend to be... somewhat treacherously independent in what they perceive as their sovereign right." - opined Luna, as she slowed her rubbing again, now having had shifted the blanket all the way down to Celestia`s haunches - "It would be... Less then convenient to lose Rift. Quite a lot of potential mining is there ready for pickin`s." Older alicorn chuckled - "Won`t be a problem. Sabbrush`s flock is vagabond one, for he`s not of noble blood. If he accepts the relocation to Rift, that effectively makes all of them our subjects as well. Then we may grant Sabbrush a county over the Rift, and have him charged with that mountainous headache."
Luna`s hoof paused as she mulled the suggestion over - "Hm... You know what, that seems like just the thing I was missing. Getting access to lakes and in the same time putting some pressure on the Hegemony is bound to cool their smiles... and their prices for spices. Yes, perfect. Well, that cinches the projects active now... Greenhouse, political juggaloo with southern lands and the railroad manufactories... Oh, right, I have a personal project you might like." Celestia`s breath hitched a bit when Luna`s hoof resumed the rubbing - "Oh, my... Personal?..."
Luna paused, letting her sister`s curiosity build. "Yes, quite so." - she replied finally, looking upwards - "You do recall that I don`t like mined salt all that much, now don`t you?" Celestia shuddered - "Don`t like is putting it mildly, Lulu. An allergy like that is nothing to take lightly, I`d say." Night mare chuckled back - "Well, see... I solved that problem. So now it`s quite alright to poke fun at it." White alicorn shot up, her attention at full tilt again - "You... How?!"
"Seawater. It turns out it`s possible to obtain salt from it, if you evaporate the water over the slow heat. Sea salt does not cause any adverse effects, strangely enough, even though it`s largely the same salt as the mineral one." - dark alicorn explained, shrugging - "Now that I could taste salt without... gastric indecencies, I can quite understand why it`s considered an important product in recreation." Older sister chuckled - "That... sort of explains the outfit you`re sporting. I wonder what prompted you to try sea salt, though."
Luna shrugged dismissively, nuzzling closer - "Zebras again. Ambassador had been complaining about "crumbly texture" of our salt a while ago, so I`ve asked him about their salt production out of boredom. It seems that zebras use sea salt predominantly, instead of mining it." She yawned a little, and pulled back - "I think I`d better go to my chambers. Getting sleepy, here." Celestia shook her head slowly - "Naa... why don`t you just stay here?"
Luna twisted her neck to look straight on her sister, eyebrow cocked - "And who`s the teaser now? Though if you`re not joking, don`t mind if I do. Been ages since I`ve slept with anyone." White alicorn blenched at the joke - "Literal as always, eh, Lulu?" "Well, yes. Why, did I use an expression with alternative meaning?" - blue one replied curiously.
"Yes, very much so. I`m not quite sure when it was established as such, but "to sleep with" usually means "to have carnal interactions with". Namely, engage in act of sex." - explained Celestia dryly, wiggling to get a bit more comfortable. Luna`s expression quirked slightly - "Oh. Huh. Well, I`m glad you heard it first. Could be quite awkward otherwise, seeing as I`m not looking to start my own dynasty of nobles anytime soon." Cringing, Celestia turned away, groaning into pillow - "Don`t remind me. It was the worst ever decision I made in my life."
Luna chuckled, patting sister`s shoulder gently - "There, there. If that`s of any consolation, all of your descendants are of fine pedigree." Judging by another groan issued by Celestia, it wasn`t much of a consolation. "Returning to my verbal gaffe just a few earlier, is it so much of an established expression that it would apply in less then reasonable situation?" - she asked curiously, - "Recent quirks of language do stump me quite a lot, much to my chagrin."
Leaning back, Celestia nodded - "Well, yes. To the best of my understanding, expression "to sleep with" is used exclusively to denote sexual interaction and is not ever used literally, other then in humorous way." Luna sat up abruptly - "Wait a second, so it COULD be viewed as... So I could`ve possibly said.... Oh fiddlesticks. This can get really awkward." Sun goddess nodded - "Oh, yes, most certainly. Though, to be honest, your outfit makes much more... expressive statement of the same nature."
Night mare looked over herself - "Well, I`m aware that garments like those are sexually suggestive... Thought it would make a good joke." Celestia chuckled softly - "That it does, dear, that it does. I`m quite sure the whole palace is a-buzz with lurid rumors of unspeakable perversions going on in this very room right now." Taking note of bewildered expression Luna now sported, she hastened to explain - "While you were pursuing precise sciences, our little ponies had discovered the joys of pansexualism. While, ahem, I`m glad none of the silly notions arose, like all those prejudices Hegemony is so fond of, it has an unfortunate consequence of romance ideas lurking just about everywhere. Why, just the other week I`ve overheard guards discussing the topic of my faithful student and books. I`m not quite sure as to why it became a notion, but I`d admit to being quite impressed with sheer ingenuity of how as it was ascribed. Twilight would be proud... and probably mortified to the state of petrification, come to think of it."
"...Huh. So, what you`re telling me is that our little ponies would be quite expedient and gleeful in assuming we are conducting some kind of lascivious perversion at the moment?" - inquired Luna incredulously, rubbing her nose with hoof as she struggled with the concept, - "I`m not sure if I should be indignant or relieved." Celestia stretched out, tugging her blanket around herself comfortably - "Probably a bit of both. On one hoof, it`s downright irritating sometimes to witness the extent of ridiculousness they can reach in their imagination. On other... The possibilities."
"...Well, that somewhat explains "The adventures of princess Molestia" series." - offered blue alicorn, as she flopped back again, stretching next to her sister - "Just how much of that is truth, by the way?" Celestia shrugged - "I`m afraid I haven`t had the time to read the series. I`ve skimmed through the first book, of course, but aside from completely fictional account of... facsimile you and facsimile me, first book does not contain anything unusual enough to verify, as is."
"Do you think they`ll ever be ready for the true account of that, sister?" - offered Luna lazily, folding her hooves behind her head. "Doubt that. I don`t quite want to add "eldritch essence-intertwining sex" to the list of perversions available for population. Because some of unicorns just might succeed, if nothing else. And you can guess just how much we need a pair of soultwisted ponies to deal with." - retorted sun goddess, rubbing her forehead with hoof, - "Mere thought gives me migraine. Nah, some things are just not for anyone but deities to commit, I`d say."
"Indiscretions of the divine... Now that would be quite a title for... hm... an erotic poetry book, maybe." - mused Luna, her eyes slowly closing as she started drifting off again. "Why don`t you write it, dear? I`m sure it would be an amusing thing to pitch into the society." - muttered Celestia as she settled in more comfortably, preparing for a nap. "Nnu.... It would be ridiculous..." - retorted her sister, starting at the ceiling, - "I`ll sleep on it, Celly-belly." Quiet snoring told her that white alicorn was already asleep. It didn`t take Luna long to join her.