Discord, Slayer of Frowns
Celestia dared not imagine how painful a headache would be had her alicorn physiology been capable of producing one. She simply sat near the edge of the open balcony atop one of the highest towers in Canterlot Castle and wearily watched the proceedings far below, the soft pastels of her prismatic mane flowing about her ivory form despite the still air. The ponies scampered to and fro, each diligently carrying out a task dispensed to them by some delegate of castle leadership. Though her eyes wandered the green expanse of garden where the ponies worked, her thoughts lay only on the last few days. In complete contrast to her mood, the sky above was bright and clear. Small patches of white, puffy clouds drifted lazily along and the beautiful songs of dozens of birds drifted on the breeze, accompanied by the sweet scent of honeysuckles. Or Caprifoliacaea lonicera, as her bookish friend and former student Twilight Sparkle called them. The lavender mare always expressed a distaste for some vulgarity only she seemed to hear in the aesthetics of the flower's common name. Celestia smiled at the fond memories. My faithful student can be such a dork sometimes, she thought with a giggle.
Though she managed to marginally lighten her own mood, she regretted being unable to say the same for the current situation. Celestia and the royal staff had been working tirelessly for two full days, transforming the frosty winter in Canterlot City into a blooming Spring. All across the city and for miles around, structures, roads and crops had been magically safeguarded against the ravages of the sudden change in temperature. Several businesses were forced to close for the event, the tedious responsibility of calculating and distributing compensation falling to the princesses and the Canterlot treasury cabinet. All of this to make a surly griffin emissary especially comfortable after having a harrowing first day in Equestria for, as it happens, pork chop storms can be highly traumatizing events.
Fortunately, Twilight Sparkle and the other five Elements of Harmony had been more than capable of protecting the emissary from the hordes of ravenous timber wolves attracted to Ponyville by the scent of the randomly cooked sky meat. Unfortunately, the foreign diplomat had not escaped the ordeal unscathed and was still receiving treatment for a minor bite wound at Canterlot General Hospital. Through all of this, Celestia was beginning to fear the worst for Equestria. Whisperings of a griffon invasion from across the eastern sea had reached her ears in previous months and preemptive peace negotiations were already looking bleak. From the earliest light of dawn, her day had been spent in the hospital engaging in a long series of frustrating conversations with Rudra, the emissary, in hopes of quelling any hard feelings and mistrust that were sure to have resulted from the recent, unfortunate events. Griffons are a testy people and this one was certainly no exception, seizing every opportunity to test Celestia's patience.
The princess sighed and lightly gritted her teeth as the tiresome exchanges wormed their way back into her thoughts.
“There are many things our nations have to offer each other, should an alliance just be given a chance.” Celestia had said.
“Yes, as you know, we griffons positively line up to be showered in bloody meat and the privilege to be mauled by wolves.” Rudra replied, every word dripping with acid. Celestia did not react. Their conversation had been riddled with identical exchanges and she was beginning to get used to the rare treatment. Often, the princess would make a point advocating the alliance and Rudra would offer a bitter retort, usually leaden with sarcasm.
“As I've mentioned, we're investigating the anomaly. We would not have dreamed of making Ponyville the setting of your introduction with the Elements had we known—”
“That I would survive?”
The princess blinked, jarred by the accusation.
“General Rudra, what are you saying?” She asked slowly. “Surely you don't suspect some sort of malicious intent? I can assure you—”
“All I'm sure of is that my guards were conveniently distracted by the ridiculous antics of that pink lunatic when the timberwolves arrived and nearly took my arm!” Rudra shouted, pointing a stiff claw to the bandages on her left shoulder. Celestia stifled an exasperated sigh and a sudden urge to roll her eyes. The wound was both shallow and would have been avoided had an overly apprehensive griffon not tackled the well-intentioned Element of Honesty as she attempted to lasso the offending wolf lunging at Rudra.
“Her name is Pinkie Pie, General, and if you would only allow her entrance, you would see how sorry she is.” Celestia said, struggling slightly to maintain an even tone. “That mare is rarely seen frowning outside of comedic context. Yet, as I arrived, she was nearly in tears pleading with your guard staff to allow her to apologize to you in person. I was forced to give her a royal order to return home.” She saw the edges of Rudra's mouth curl upwards a tiny fraction.
“Then she would do well to—”
Rudra never finished the sentence, bringing a claw to her beak as a wave of nausea overtook her. Celestia was glad the emissary had chosen to be treated by her own personal medical staff. While the impressive performance of griffon medicines often came at the price of amplified and even unnecessarily risky side effects, she was certain Rudra would have hurled further suspicions of foul play at the first sign of even the least troublesome of pony medicine corollary. Celestia had decided to seize the awkward moment for the chance to recompose her patience and excused herself for the day.
“Perhaps our discussion can wait until after the welcome feast tomorrow.” Celestia said. Rudra quickly waved a claw in dismissal as she barely suppressed a visceral heave. Celestia's last image of the cantankerous griffon was of her shakily gripping the tin bucket a doctor had mindfully placed on the nightstand.
The flight back to the castle had been unusually quiet. The two guards accompanying her made no attempt at conversation, sensing the uncharacteristic distress their princess was so openly exuding. Upon reaching the castle grounds, Celestia immediately excused herself from company once again and flew in the direction of the tower within which she had expected to meet her sister, Luna. The midnight blue alicorn had not been there, only a quiet tension pervaded the aerie as Celestia flew in from the balcony.
The sun was beginning to dip lower on the glowing horizon and the princess hoped her sister would not be absent much longer. While Celestia was certainly capable of raising the moon as well as the sun, she lacked the artistic flair with which Luna hung every star and shaped the surface of the moon. Her sister's nights were truly a sight to behold, a beauty she had only recently begun to express she felt was monstrously taken for granted by most. With a small pang of guilt, she imagined how she would feel if every citizen in Equestria thoughtlessly slept through the meticulously crafted day she would bring tomorrow.
Celestia became aware of a faint sound carried on the breeze from the northeast. She raised her head that she had been resting on her front hooves as she waited and squinted at the slowly reddening horizon. A black smudge made its way slowly along the jagged outlines of the Foal mountain range. Soon, the smudge began to grow and Celestia stood, eager to speak with her sister. As she watched, the smudge came into focus, it became clear that the object's flight path was erratic and far from linear. The sudden tightness in her gut told her it was not Luna.
As was common among those that are not lords of chaos and disharmony, Celestia's face quickly transformed from one apprehension to one of utter bewilderment at the sight of Discord, self-proclaimed Lord of Chaos and Disharmony. What baffled the millennia-old princess was not his exceptionally peculiar appearance of a serpentine pony possessing features of at least nine other animals, but his current mode of locomotion. Discord gripped the handle of a worn rope harness in the eagle claws of his left arm and was waving the lion paw of his right arm in the air as if he held little regard for anything at all. Straddling the right and left haunches of a bucking and heaving creature with his reptilian and goat-like legs, Discord's long body was thrown forwards and back, waving wildly from the tip of his antler and goat horns to his red scaled tail ending in a tuft of white fur. He laughed uproariously and hooted as his bat and pegasus wings flapped furiously while he jerkily steered the ghostly, corpse-like horse creature below him in loops and twists. One long segment of spine from the absent lower half of its body was trailing behind like some deathly, grotesque streamer.
“Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-hawwwwwwwww!” Discord shouted into the late afternoon sky, his rich, gravelly voice fading into the distance and turning more than a few heads upward. “Tia! Why the long face? Really, you must smile more – here, let me help you!” With that, Discord gripped the rope with both hands and gave a mighty tug on the harness. The creature gave an unnatural, wailing mockery of a whinny and turned toward Celestia. Darting to her hooves, she shouted in protest.
“Discord, no! That thing will—” Celestia's wings had flared in response to the sight of the pair hurtling toward them, but as the uncanny mount neared, its dark aura began to work on her mind, flooding her body with a feeling of abject terror and causing the princess's wings to snap shut involuntarily. Frozen in place with the awful pair filling more and more of her vision, Celestia could only watch Discord's mischievous smile grow wider.
The world suddenly became a blur as the creature's long, pale muzzle was wedged between Celestia's front legs and it threw its bony head back, launching her into the air. Her twisting aerial jaunt ended with a jolt as she found herself straddling the creature, Discord's mismatched arms embracing her from behind while still holding fast to the fraying rope at her waist. Celestia opened her mouth to scream as the wall that had previously been behind her was now rushing to make a violent acquaintance. The rope was hauled to the right and the creature turned sideways to impact its two hooves on the wall, knocking large chunks of masonry loose and creating large craters in the elegantly painted bricks. Celestia was shocked to find the creature running along the wall before righting itself and kicking off at the edge of the balcony, hurling all three of them high into the air over Canterlot.
Discord began to chuckle, but soon burst into wild, mirthful laughter.
“Oh, what glorious fun!” He roared. “So much more entertaining than riding one of those prudish wendigos, don't you think?” As he spoke, the creature began to heave its passengers about once again. Celestia attempted to lunge forward to wrap her hooves around the wide neck of the mount, but a scaly tail crossed her chest and abdomen from behind and pulled her back against the lithe body of her tormentor.
“D-Discord! Put. M-Me. Down!” Celestia commanded, biting off each word with all the fury she could muster in her trembling voice.
“Not until you smile, Tia!” Discord teased and tickled her nose with the small white beard dangling from his chin. Celestia sneezed.
“Discord.”
“Oh, fine, you wet noodle.” He grumbled humorously, pulling the reigns sideways and forcing the creature to turn. Though it complied, the spirit continued trying to buck its passengers off, resulting in a flustered Celestia wrapping her hooves indignantly around her red, scaly harness. “Never let it be said that an alpha taraxippus gives up without a fight!” Discord said and whooped again.
“Th-this is an a-a-a-alpha?” Celestia asked incredulously, heart pounding in her ears as the magically-induced fear coursed through her, stronger than before.
“Of course! Boy, you should have seen his mate, though! She was a handful! So angry, so ferocious...” Discord grinned and lowered his head to Celestia’s ear “...so delicious.” He breathed.
“What?”
With an ear-piercing wail the taraxippus began to buck and flail furiously, tossing the passengers about with a renewed vigor. It began to climb higher into the sky, passing the massive clouds in little time at all.
“Uh-oh, I think it heard me.” Discord gripped the reigns tighter and pulled Celestia closer against his body as they were nearly thrown into the thinning air. The princess focused on a teleportation spell, but as she closed her eyes to concentrate, all she could see was the dead, milky eyes of the taraxippus as if they were inches from her own. Her every attempt at magic only filled the air around them with golden sparks as the thaumic energies were gathered by her horn, only to burst away from her shaky mental grip and fizzle into the atmosphere.
“Can't you just teleport us somewhere safe?” Celestia shouted, straining to be heard over the rushing wind.
“I temporarily disabled my ability to do that!”
“You did wha— Why?”
“How fun would this be if I could just harmlessly jump off any time?”
“It's not fun now, Discord!”
“Opinions.”
Celestia growled under her breath and cursed the day she thought the insane draconequus could be reformed. Clearly, it would be better for everyone's health if he had simply stayed a harmless statue. Desperately, she tried unfolding her wings again, but to no avail. The dark magic emanating from the alpha gripped her mind and body with icy, paralyzing horror. Then, an idea struck her.
“You can fly! Carry us off!”
“Oh, funny thing. I..may have—”
“You didn't!”
“I was bored! Destroying a taraxippus swarm is the very definition of tedious, you know!” The taraxippus wailed once again and with one colossal heave, the pair found themselves careening over its head. Discord clung to the rope and wrapped his tail more completely around the flailing princess. In a moment, they were dangling below the angry spirit. The taraxippus whinnied, seeming to laugh as it tossed its head around wildly in an effort to shake loose the objects of its hatred. Discord let out a hearty laugh of his own.
“It's okay, Tia! I got th--” With an awful tearing sound, the rope harness finally snapped. The creature screeched in triumph, turned to the fiery horizon and galloped away in a ghostly blur. Celestia twisted her body and gazed up, horrified, at the image of Discord holding a short length of rotting rope. He turned his head down to meet her furious glare and smiled sheepishly as they began plummeting to the earth. Celestia tore Discord's tail from around her and strained the muscles of her wings. She grunted and cried out against the fear holding them to her side and concentrated on forcing them open. Discord's unsuppressed chuckles reached her ears and Celestia glared at him, attempting to burn holes through the joker's head. Her heart was pounding against her ribs and panic was beginning to set in alongside the artificial dread.
“Don't you have any powers that can help? You're the Lord of Chaos!”
“Oh, right! I did leave one of my powers on.”
“Then use it!”
“Okay...” Discord snapped his fingers and Celestia clamped her eyes shut as a bright flash of light enveloped the pair. She opened her eyes and glanced hurriedly around. They were still falling.
“What did you do?” the princess shouted over the roaring winds that grew louder as they approached free fall.
“I have endowed us with some rather stylish headgear, my dear.” Discord replied, sounding quite pleased with himself. Celestia looked to see the draconequus adjusting a set of hot pink earmuffs over his head. She reached up to touch her own head and found her hooves met with the soft shape of something long and curved fit over her entire skull.
“You gave me a banana head? You insolent foal! I'm going to—”
“Oh, of course, silly me.” Discord snapped his fingers again and another white flash lit up Celestia's head. “You prefer cake, am I right?”
Celestia had lost count of the times she resisted saying or doing some rather nasty things to someone else that day, but as she tumbled, head first, through the air with the snickering draconequus, she felt she had never been more proud of herself for any of the grand achievements in her life as she was for keeping her hooves firmly and passively to herself at that moment. Sighing, she closed her eyes and waited for the inevitable conclusion to her aggravating day. She would survive the fall, of course. Being an alicorn goddess had its benefits, particularly in aspects of durability, but the pain would likely be indescribable.
“Hey, don't be so glum, Tia. Sure, it's going to be...well excruciating, but it won't hurt forever, you know.” Discord grinned toothily at the princess, his one long fang jutting down from the right side of his mouth, ruining what may have looked like a very serious expression of heartfelt assurance from anyone else. Celestia responded with another sour glare. “Come on, bring it in, sister. You look like you need a hug.” He snapped once more, dissipating the silly headwear and spread his arms wide. Discord waggled his long, bushy eyebrows at her as they fluttered about in the wind like dancing white tassels.
Celestia opened her mouth to spit a bitter refusal, but was surprised to find she almost did not want to at all. It certainly had been a long, stressful day and her stringent upbringing had left her particularly vulnerable to such gestures of comfort. She looked hesitantly toward the spirit of chaos. His yellow orbs gazed with red pupils into her own fuchsia eyes and she could not tell if he was joking. She studied his grey features for signs of a bluff, but could not find one. Finally, Celestia looked away and whispered her answer.
“Fine.” Quickly, she added, “Not a word to anypony or you're as good as gravel.” Discord only rolled his eyes and continued smiling. Instinctively, Celestia tried opening her wings to maneuver her body closer to Discord's but brought a hoof to her face when they did not respond. She had been filled with fear for so long, the sensation was beginning to become almost natural. “Could you...? The taraxippus...”
“Sure.” Discord flapped his wings, bringing his body within reach of Celestia, who tentatively reached out and wrapped her hooves around his long, maroon torso. Discord returned the embrace and the two held each other, upside down, as they rocketed toward Equestria. Celestia was thankful they were moving far too quickly for any of her subjects below to make out exactly what she was doing when they would finally be within eyesight. For a long moment, she kept her eyes closed and simply did her best to enjoy the feeling as the day's numerous annoyances slowly melted away in the feeling of the comforting arms.
“I'm getting a bit of a tingle.”
Celestia expelled an exasperated breath.
“Honestly, Discord, this is not the time to be lewd.” Celestia said with mild disgust and tried pushing away from him, but Discord kept his arms wrapped firmly around her.
“No, I mean I think my powers are coming back.”
“Really? Then put us down!” Celestia said excitedly. Slowly, she became aware of something else. She looked back to see her wings extending significantly further than before and felt the dread gripping her mind receding. “My, I think I could fly soon!” She said with glee.
“Very soon? Because I don't think we have long.” Discord gestured over his head and Celestia followed his pointed claw to see the ground becoming alarmingly more detailed by the second. She could not suppress the girlish yelp that followed. Discord chuckled again.
“How much longer?” Celestia asked, a wholly new and natural fear rising within her.
“Not much, but I think I'll only have enough juice for one of us before it's too late.” Discord said with a grin. “Who do you think it should be, Tia? You, or me?”
“Stop fooling around!”
“I'll only save you if you smile.” He said, teasingly. “Come on, just one, big grin. If you don't, I'll have to find some other criteria to decide by.” Discord snapped and a blue framed, octagonal mirror appeared in his hand. He began admiring the reflection. “How about beauty? Surely, the best looking would be a fair choice?”
“Discord.”
“Smile.”
“Discord!”
“Don't I just look absolutely marvelous today?”
“Discoooooooooooooooord!”
“Beauty it is.” Discord raised a paw and waved playfully at the princess with a sly grin. “Bye-bye, Celestia.” He snapped again and a blinding white filled Celestia's vision, forcing her to close her eyes tightly again.
“I'm going to have you turned to stone and thrown into the Bog Of Permanent Funk, you overgrown weasel! You sadistic snake! You-you...” Celestia suddenly noticed she could no longer hear nor feel the rushing air around her. Furthermore, she could feel her wings extended to their fullest in the absence of the taraxippus's influence. She slowly opened an eye to see her sister standing slack-jawed and wide-eyed before her in the otherwise empty aerie. In a rare display of vanity, Luna had tied the flowing midnight sky that was her mane into a ponytail that drifted breezily down the back of her neck. Her teal eyes looked her sister over from horn to hoof in utter confusion.
“What in mother's name are you wearing?”
“Discord! Have you seen him?”
“No. Why would he be—?”
“No time!” Celestia charged toward the balcony and felt a tinge of guilt as she shoved her younger sister aside more violently than intended, nearly sending her sprawling across the floor.
“Zounds! What has gotten into you, dear sister?”
She reached the ledge in time to feel the air briefly buffet her mane as it was violently displaced by a grey and red blur. Celestia dived off the edge, ignoring Luna's shouts of alarm and began pumping her wings, accelerating her descent. Far below, Discord calmly closed his eyes and pretended to recline on an invisible couch, resting the back of his black-maned head on his hands and leisurely humming to himself. Drawing nearer, though still several arm lengths away, Celestia desperately reached a gold-clad hoof toward him, but no effort was made to grab it. Discord simply waved a clawed hand in a shooing motion, eyes remaining closed in an expression of serenity unusual for the spirit of chaos. The princess was forced to open her wings wide as the garden grounds came too near for comfort. She beat furiously at the air to halt her descent and stopped only a few meters above the courtyard in a gut-wrenching split second. A deafening gust of wind from Celestia's aerial brake was followed by the brutal crack of stone shattering as Discord slammed into the paved walkways of the castle gardens, sending shards of rock in every direction and a great plume of dust erupted from the center of the impact.
All around, cries of shock and confusion filled the air as the hustle and bustle of preparations for the next day's event ground to a stunned silence. A smattering of gravel fell back to the ground as Celestia touched down and began galloping to the fallen draconequus. Her horn glowed gold and a cyclone of air whirled into being, sweeping away the thick cloud of dust into the darkening sky in a grey blur. In the center of the shallow, colorless crater, a crooked form lay motionless. Celestia skidded to a graceless stop before the heap and knelt down, searching frantically for signs of life.
“Discord, answer me! Are you alright?” The long body of the draconequus remained limp on the ruined path. “Discord, please! Answer me!” The silence in the garden was punctuated only by the faint clamoring of those few who were too far to see over the heads of others. A warm, sweet wind blew steadily over the scene, but Celestia only felt a cold chill inching along her spine. All around, she could feel the eyes of a hundred ponies and more confused muttering. She almost missed the soft hiss of inhalation from the grey head at her hooves.
“Celestia...” Discord rasped, eyes fluttering open in tiny fractions.
“Yes?” Celestia answered eagerly as the world began to blur before her.
“You...” Discord coughed, a dry sickly sound. “...y-you make...”
“Discord...” She leaned closer and squeezed her eyes shut against the tears.
“...you make a gorgeous banana.”
The snort of laughter cut short pierced the stillness in the garden and Celestia looked up to see a pony backing slowly into the gathering crowd, covering his muzzle and doing his best to disguise the outburst as a cough. She looked back to Discord who was now peering up at her with twinkling eyes and a grin threatening to split his head in two. A quick inspection of her own body revealed a blindingly bright yellow banana costume covered her body from neck to tail. The jokester before her burst into a breathless cackle as he clutched his stomach and rocked feverishly upon the ground. Very slowly, the ponies in the crowd joined the draconequus with sporadic nervous laughter, but in moments, giggles and chortles rose in waves above their heads. A few stood out among the others as they shook their heads and looked sympathetically at their princess, but most ponies were engaging in the mild laughter.
Celestia stood, stretching to her full height and the tittering immediately ceased. Only Discord continued to roll about on the rubble, gasping for breath. She swept her gaze from one side of the circle of ponies to the other, her expressionless face garnering anxious looks between onlookers. After several painfully tense moments, the princess gave a wry smile and let out a velvety chuckle that drifted lightly on the breeze before evaporating into gentle echoes. Immediately, the dozens of witnesses to the spectacle let loose with uproarious laughter, filling the night with sounds of mirth and jubilation. Even the previously conservative staff shared a reserved laugh with their companions.
A flash of light brought Discord to his feet and another consumed the banana costume. Everywhere, ponies stomped their hooves and cheered as Discord enacted exaggerated bows and theatrical gestures of thanks as if he was an actor greeting an adoring audience at the end of a grand performance. Roses flew from every direction to land at his mismatched feet. Most were illusory products of chaotic magic, though some had been tossed in earnest from nearby vases.
“Sister! Thou must explain what is going on!” Luna said, as she landed with a heavy clatter next to Celestia. She fretfully looked her sibling over again, but found nothing to cause further alarm.
“Later, Luna." Celestia sighed heavily, "For now...I need a slice of cake."