Twilight invites her friends over to solve a whodunit puzzle. But when a real mystery rears its head, can Twilight and Co. connect the clues to catch the calamitous culprit?
This coming Wednesday night, Princess Twilight Sparkle will be hosting an exclusive Whodunit Party at her recently erected Fortress of Friendship (name under review)! Join us as we tuck into a nice, tender, juicy, fictional murder mystery! Snacks will be provided, doors close at 7:30.
Also, please dress like a famous detective. Because why not?
Hope to see you there!
-Princess Twilight Sparke
PS: don’t let the fancy invitation fool you, girls. It’s just the seven of us, like always.
Rarity pulled her garment against herself as a chill wind blew in from the north, bearing with it the last errant flecks of a light late-autumn snowfall that had blanketed the town in a fine white coverlet. The lightweight brown cloak had been merely an aesthetic choice, and the white unicorn was beginning to regret having not chosen something warmer to wear for her friend’s soiree mystereuse. Beneath her cloak, she wore a plain green waistcoat, and upon her head she wore the sort of hat that might be referred to as a “deerstalker”, if ponies were much in the habit of stalking their cloven-hoofed, forest-dwelling cousins.
As she neared Twilight’s palatial treehouse, Rarity found herself joined by two other familiar ponies, each approaching from opposite directions. Both were also dressed for the occasion.
“Howdy Rarity, Fluttershy,” said Applejack, decked out in a somber grey suit and trenchcoat. “Y’all ready fer Twilight’s little murder mystery?”
“As if I’d dress this way for any other reason,” said Rarity with good-natured sarcasm.
“Point taken,” said Applejack. “How ‘bout you, Fluttershy? Reckon yer detective skills are up to- Did you dye yer hair?”
“What?” gasped Rarity.
Fluttershy recoiled in embarrassment beneath the sudden inquisitiveness of her two friends. Unlike Rarity, she was dressed for the elements, sporting a blue woolen sweater and white scarf. However, beneath her white croche hat, Rarity could just discern that Fluttershy’s usual pale pink locks were now a distinct strawberry blonde that perfectly complimented the blush on her cheeks.
“Darling, why in Equestria would you dye your beautiful mane so?” asked Rarity.
“It’s, um, part of my disguise,” said Fluttershy meekly. “I didn't want anypony to recognise me.”
“Kinda takin’ it too far if you ask me,” remarked Applejack.
“Well I think it looks lovely,” said Rarity, coaxing a small smile out of her self-conscious friend. “Besides, if anypony here needs a dye-job, it should be you, dear Applejack. Honestly, I’ve seen more colourful attire in a funeral home.”
“It’s not like I had much choice,” Applejack retorted. “The dang movie’s all in black and white; how am I supposed to tell what the dang colours are? ‘Sides, at least I didn’t pick the most obvious detective there is, ‘Miss Originality’,” she added, taking a playful swipe at Rarity’s deerstalker.
“Somepony had to do it,” Rarity said haughtily. “It might as well have been the one pony among us with the poise to pull it off. Although this vest is getting rather itchy.”
Their dispute resolved (or at least concluded), the three mares let themselves through the palace’s main doors and strode through the surprisingly spacious antechamber to another, smaller set of doors. Here they knocked, and were soon let in by their hostess’s number-one assistant. He himself was dressed to the nines in tasteful little suit, and an adorable little moustache that had been so heavily waxed and curled that it very much resembled plasticine (which it very likely was).
“Bon soir, mes amis,” said Spike as he stroked his improbable facial hair. “That’s fancy-talk for ‘how’s it going?’ Come on in! Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie are already here. And I’m making nachos!”
They found their two more vibrant friends sitting together on a large red sofa before the fireplace. Rarity winced at the sight of them, unsure as to which had committed the greater crime against fashion and good taste.
Pinkie Pie might have looked fairly hard-boiled, dressed as she was in a large, floppy overcoat. Upon her head, however, sat a small, round, flat-brimmed hat that had been dyed an appalling shade of crimson, such that it was now locked in a furious three-way clash with both her hair and the upholstery of the couch. Rainbow Dash, on the other hand, was dressed in a tacky (or at least grossly outdated) cream-coloured suit which clashed instead with the bandage she was nursing on the side of her nose.
“Rainbow Dash, what happened?” gasped Fluttershy.
Dash groaned and narrowed her eyes in the direction of the mare beside her.
“Nothing,” she began sardonically. “Just that somepony needs to learn that it’s not cool to break into other ponies’ houses and then yell at them while they’re in the shower!”
“Awww, cheer up Dashie,” chirped Pinkie Pie. “I said I was sorry. Besides, it makes you look tough!”
“It makes me look stupid,” grumbled Dash.
“Who looks stupid?,” asked a familiar voice from the doorway.
Ponyville’s resident Princess had just appeared in the room, plainly dressed in a rough cleric’s habit with a red rose pinned to the scapular. Rainbow Dash immediately began to snigger.
“And what’s so funny, Rainbow?”
“Nothing,” Dash snickered. “You look great.”
“Of course I look great,” said Twilight obliviously. “I spent all afternoon making sure it was historically accurate. Anyway, now that we’re all here, let’s begin!”
In a purple flash, Twilight produced for them a large, brand new book with a magnifying glass emblazoned on the cover.
“I hold before you one of the most difficult whodunit books ever written!” she declared. “And we are going to solve it together!”
“That’s nice,” nodded Rainbow Dash as they took their seats at the table. “So how far did you read ahead on us?”
“W-what?” squawked Twilight. “I would never… I mean, that would be just…”
Five merciless grins continued to beat down upon the hapless alicorn.
“Okay, I might have peeked a little at the first page… But it was an accident, I swear!”
“That’s okay, Twilight, I believe you,” said Fluttershy gently.
“You do?” asked everyone else in the room.
“No, not really. But I forgive you anyway.”
“Whatever,” shrugged Rainbow Dash. “Just don’t spoil it for the rest of us, okay?”
A few moments later, the six mares were seated comfortably around the table, with both notepads and nachos poised and at the ready. From the book, Twilight read aloud with glowing enthusiasm:
“Late September, AE1891. You and several others have all been invited to the opulent countryside estate of the wealthy earth-pony baroness Lady von Kumquat…”
Pinkie Pie snickered loudly.
“You are greeted at the door by Lady von Kumquat herself, along with her mild-mannered butler Alfalfred,” continued Twilight. “Oh, and there’s visual aids, hold on…”
She soon produced two fully-illustrated cardboard figures from a plate in the middle of the book and set them on the table in front of her. The image of a mare in a red dress was obviously meant to be Lady von Kumquat.
“I don’t like her,” announced Rarity straight away. “Look at the cut of her sleeve; she’s clearly hiding something!”
“Uh, I don’t think you’re supposed to really pay much attention to the pictures,” said Twilight. “They’re just visual aids.”
“Um, isn’t that kinda what visual aids are for, though?” ventured Fluttershy.
“Nah, I’m with Twilight on this one,” countered Applejack. “I used to draw better than this in Grade 2.”
“Moving on…” said Twilight. “No sooner have you made your introductions when there comes a loud knock on the front door that echoes across the hall…”
No sooner had she read this when there came a loud knock on the front door that echoed across the hall, causing everypony’s hair to suddenly stand on end.
“Wow, that was pretty neat,” said Pinkie Pie.
The knocks were soon succeeded by the faint creak of the palace doors, followed by the growing clatter of frantic hoofbeats coming down the hall. Seconds later, the doors to the room burst open, allowing a bespectacled and visibly distressed grey mare to enter the room.
“Princess Twilight Sparkle!” gasped the mare, whom everyone immediately recognised as their local Mayor’s sometimes seen administrative assistant. “You’re needed at Town Hall at once! Something terrible has- Why are you all dressed like that?”
“We’re solving a mystery!” said Pinkie Pie. “A kumquat mystery!”
“I see…” the mare nodded in such a way to illustrate that she clearly didn’t.
“Sorry, this is all a little sudden,” said Twilight. “You are…?”
“Er, Raven, Your Highness…” answered the mare with a bow. “I serve as administrative assistant to Mayor Mare.”
“Yes that’s right, now I remember,” nodded Twilight. “Sorry, I don’t believe we’ve spoken before.”
“The pleasure is all mine Your Majesty,” said Raven with simpering politeness. “Or is it ‘Your Grace’?”
“Honestly, I’m not too sure myself,” laughed Twilight.
“Hey, uh, not to interrupt or anything,” interrupted Spike. “But you mentioned something ‘terrible’?”
“Oh, shoot, that’s right!” swore Raven. “Princess Twilight Sparkle! You’re needed at Town Hall at once! Something-”
“Yeah, yeah, get to the dang point!” shouted Applejack.
“Mayor Mare has been attacked!”
A great gasp of genuine horror filled the room.
“Attacked? How?” cried Twilight.
“There’s no time to explain!” explained Raven. “Follow me to the Town Hall! You can all see for yourselves!”
* * *
The mad dash to Town Hall was uneventful and not worth narrating. Upon arrival, Raven was visibly distressed to find a small crowd had already braved the cold to gather outside the Hall. As they approached, the front doors swung open, and a team of nurses strode out, pushing a steel gurney heavily wrapped in blankets.
“Madame Mayor!” cried Twilight as she pushed through the crowd.
“Please, Princess, she’s not well,” said Nurse Redheart.
The Mayor lay semi-conscious and groaning beneath her blankets, her head bound in great wads of gauze. On all sides, ponies pressed in close for a look as the gurney passed, but the other ponimedics held them at bay. Only Twilight and Spike were permitted to stay near.
“What happened to her?” Twilight asked Redheart.
“Sharp blow to the back of the head,” explained the nurse with clinical coolness. “Possible concussion.”
“Raven said she’d been attacked?”
Redheart hesitated a second before answering.
“Not my place to say,” she said, and that was all that Twilight got out of her.
The Mayor was soon wheeled into a waiting ambulance, and the crowd dispersed. Twilight and her companions remained, until Raven finally beckoned for them to follow her inside and up the stairs to the Mayor’s office.
“So what are we doing here, exactly?” asked Spike as they went.
“Madame Mayor was attacked,” said Raven. “I thought you’d have realised the gravity of the situation by now.”
“Yeah, but what does that have to do with us?” asked Applejack.
“Well isn’t it obvious?” replied Raven with growing annoyance. “I need you all to investigate this horrible crime!”
Everyone came to a stunned halt.
“Y-you mean like an a-actual murder mystery?” stammered Fluttershy.
“Well, not a murder mystery per se, but yes, that’s the gist of it.”
“Okay, so why us?” asked Twilight.
“What do you mean? Why not you? You girls are pretty much the only reason anything gets done around here!”
“And we’re happy to be appreciated,” Twilight interjected, “but isn’t this more of a matter for the police?”
Now it was Twilight’s turn to be the centre of bewildered attention.
“Why are you all staring at me?”
“Er, Twilight, darling, Ponyville doesn’t have a police force,” explained Rarity sheepishly.
“Yeah, where have you been living all these years?” added Rainbow Dash.
“Wait, what?” asked Twilight. “No police?”
“You ever see any police ponies around here?” asked Applejack.
“Well, no, but… I just assumed… No police, seriously?”
“We never had any room in the budget,” said Raven with a resigned shrug. “And then you girls showed up with those Elements of Harmony and, well, let’s face it: why bother with traditional law enforcement when you’ve got a bunch of holy-magical heroines that’ll work pro bono? And it’s not like we have a whole lot of crime around here to begin with either, so… yeah.”
Twilight suspected she could feel a headache coming on.
“Okay,” she said with a quick shrug. “We’re on the case. Show us the crime scene.”
The stairway led up into a small reception area with a heavily cluttered desk which Raven identified as her own. The Mayor’s office, which occupied most of the top floor, lay behind a set of panelled double doors directly across from the stairs. Two other doors off to the side led to a unisex washroom and a large file room where more recent documents were kept, thus saving the Mayor (or, more frequently, Raven herself) the bother of having to run all the way down to the main archives in the basement of the Hall.
After taking all this in, the seven ad hoc detectives continued to follow Raven through the double doors into the Mayor’s spacious office.
Mayor Mare was a pony of simple tastes and grandiose personality, and this was reflected in her choice of decor. Tall rose-coloured drapes hung over the equally tall arched windows that lined the curvature of the outer wall. Tall emerald ferns sat in tall terracotta pots in the corners, and the walls were sparsely hung with portraits and photographs of the Mayor herself in the company of various important figures. Many of these were also tall, and those that weren’t were at least set high up on the wall so the effect was largely that same. In fact, just about the only thing in the room that didn’t achieve serious altitude in its design or arrangement was the Mayor’s polished walnut desk, but this was balanced out by the great velvet-upholstered chair that towered behind it.
It was not hard to determine the scene of the attack. Upon the floor before the desk were strewn a number of disturbed items, consistent with having been swept from the desk in the heat of the moment. And yet the rest of the room was apparently spared the carnage, a sign, Twilight noted, that the Mayor had been taken by surprise without a struggle.
“Alright,” she said, “If we’re going to do this, then we’re doing it right. Spike! Get out your pad and start taking notes. Anything we say, anything we find, anything you think is worth remembering, you write it down. Got it?”
“Got it, Twilight!”
“Good. Alright girls, let’s spread out and look for clues!”
“Yipee! I know just what we need!” squealed Pinkie Pie, who promptly hopped over to the Mayor’s beautifully engraved gramophone, and produced a record from within her coat.
“Wait, Pinkie, no, that could be-”
The pink pony suddenly drew a deep breath and blew half an attic’s worth of dust from the surface of the turntable.
“...evidence,” finished Twilight glumly.
There was no point in stressing the matter further; the record player clearly hadn’t been touched in months.
“The Mayor sometimes has migraines,” explained Raven. “She doesn’t much care for music on the job these days.”
“Her loss,” said Pinkie Pie, as the smooth, subtle notes of a Las Pegasus jazz number filled the room. “There, now it’s a real murder mystery!”
With the proper investigative atmosphere now attained, Twilight rounded on the beleaguered secretary.
“Alright Raven, let’s start with you. What can you tell us about the attack?”
Raven swallowed nervously, then took a deep breath and began her testimony.
“I didn’t see any of it, I’m afraid. I was just outside at my desk all evening. The Mayor’s normal office hours are until 6:00, but she works late some nights, and I have to be around in case I’m needed.”
“Did anypony come in to see the Mayor?” inquired Twilight.
“No, I didn’t see anypony come in. Her last visitor today was around 3:30, give or take.”
“And you stayed behind your desk the entire evening?”
“Well, no, not the entire evening. I was in and out of the file room a few times… but only for a minute or so at a time,” she added hastily. “I was actually just on my way back to my desk when it happened. I heard this thumping sound from inside the office. I just assumed the Mayor had dropped something, so I called out and asked if everything was okay. When she didn’t answer I checked inside… and that’s how I found her…”
Raven paused to take another breath.
“Go on,” said Twilight gently.
“S-she was lying right there on her face,” Raven stammered, gesturing at a spot right in front of the desk. “I ran over to see if she was alright, and when I saw that she was still alive, I ran out to go get help.”
“So you’re the one who alerted the ponimedics?” asked Twilight.
“Yes, that’s right. And then I ran to find you girls.”
“And so here we are,” murmured Twilight. “Can you think of anypony who might have wanted to hurt the Mayor?”
Raven considered this for a moment.
“She had her detractors, but nopony ever who struck me as dangerous, no.”
“Did you hear anything else before you came in? Voices, maybe?”
“No, I… no.”
“And you saw no sign of anypony else in the room?”
“Well, I… I didn’t really think to look,” admitted Raven. “But I didn’t notice anypony else, no.”
“Big curtains like these, anypony could’ve been hiding in here, waiting until the coast was clear,” noted Rainbow Dash as she scanned the room.
“Still doesn’t explain how they got in without being seen,” said Fluttershy.
“Lotta windows in this place,” suggested Dash. “Could’ve come in through one of those…”
Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Rarity began looking over the objects on the floor. In addition to a number of scattered papers were the battered remains of a large picture frame, the picture itself lying face down, several quills, the spilt contents of an upended inkwell, and a tall liquor bottle half full of a murky, amber-coloured liquid.
“Berryshine,” muttered Applejack with thinly-veiled contempt. “Not sure which is the bigger mystery with this stuff: what in the hay Berry Punch puts in it, or how in the hay ponies keep buyin’ it.”
“Ponies need something to tide them over until Cider Season,” laughed Rainbow Dash.
“Did Mayor Mare drink a lot o’ this stuff?” Applejack asked Raven. “Or, a lot o’ any stuff?”
“I’m… not really privy to that information,” said Raven awkwardly.
Meanwhile, Rarity held aloft the broken picture frame.
“And I do believe we have our murder weapon,” she said triumphantly, holding her beautifully engraved magnifying glass over one corner.
Twilight and Spike leaned in for a better look. Sure enough, the the corner of the frame was marked with blood, and a single long hair was stuck in the joint; silvery grey for the most part, but vibrant pink at the root. The rest of the frame just barely held together.
“I wonder why the attacker used this particular weapon?” Rarity pondered.
“It was close to the door,” suggested Pinkie Pie, indicating a spot just right of the door where the picture had clearly hung.
“Perhaps, but we mustn’t rule out some other, more intangible motive…”
Rarity turned her attention to the painting the bloody frame had held. Turning it over revealed it to be yet another flattering portrait of the Mayor, leaning statesponylike against a marble pedestal, which bore the inscription: “May 17, AE 2008”.
“The year she first took office,” explained Raven.
“Possibly somepony who disapproved of the Mayor’s governance, then?” suggested Rarity.
“It’s possible,” agreed Twilight. “In fact, I’d say it’s very probable, but I think Pinkie Pie’s right about the frame itself.”
“Whoo-hoo, I win again!”
Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash had just finished investigating the office windows.
“So much for my window theory,” she said glumly. “All of them are latched tight from the inside. Nopony’s opened them in weeks.”
“Who would, in this chilly weather?” murmured Rarity.
“So the attacker must have come in through the door while Raven was in the other room,” suggested Twilight. “They grabbed the nearest thing they could find, namely the picture frame, and then *wham*!”
“So how’d they get back out again?” mused Applejack.
“I still say curtains,” said Rainbow.
Fluttershy, meanwhile, had been gazing wistfully out the windows this whole time. Luna’s moon was full and well into the sky by now, and the effect of the moonlight upon the freshly fallen snow was simply… magical. As her gaze turned downwards, however, she quickly noticed something on the narrow balcony just outside the window.
“Girls!” she gasped. “Come over here to the window! I found a clue!”
The others hurried over to the window just as Fluttershy managed to undo the stiffened latch and push the window wide open. At the edge of the balcony, just left of the window frame, was the unmistakable presence of fresh hoofprints in the virgin snow. Rarity and Applejack carefully stepped out for a better look, and immediately noticed further signs on the roof of the Hall. A wide slot in the snow ran from a small dormer window down to a rough pile where the base of the roof met the balcony, from which the hoofprints began, as though somepony had slid down the roof from the window above.
“I don’t suppose you checked those upper windows as well, Rainbow darling?” asked Rarity with a sweetly-sarcastic smile.
Dash let out an annoyed growl, but flew back inside nonetheless. A second later, the dormer window swung wide open, and Rainbow appeared in the opening.
“Wasn’t even fully closed,” she called down.
“I thought as much,” announced Rarity, turning her attention back to the hoofprints. “These marks are fresh, no more than an hour old at the most, and clearly belong to a mare, and a pegasus at that.”
“Now how in the hay do ya know all that?” asked Applejack skeptically.
“Elementary, my dear Applejack,” tittered Rarity. “It was still snowing up until an hour ago, and yet these tracks are clear and pristine, and so must have been made after the snow stopped. As for the pegasus part, how else could one have reached that upper window?”
“She’s got a point there,” shouted down Rainbow Dash.
“Furthermore, these tracks simply end at the edge of the balcony, and…” Rarity paused briefly to look over the edge. “...since there is absolutely no disturbance on the ground below, we can only conclude that the pony who left these must have flown away.”
“Fair enough, I suppose,” conceded Applejack. “But how do ya know she’s a mare?”
“Oh please, give me some credit, Applejack,” scoffed Rarity. “You honestly mean to suggest that I can run my own boutique for five years and not know a mare’s hoof when I see it?”
“And you’re sure it’s a mare?” asked Twilight.
“A mare or a very dainty-footed stallion,” said Rarity with a shrug.
“The only dainty-footed pegasus stallion around here is Bulk Biceps,” interjected Rainbow Dash. “And he definitely wouldn’t fit through this little hole.”
“Besides, Bulkie wouldn’t hurt a fly!” added Fluttershy.
The yellow pegasus immediately found herself rather closer to the centre of attention than she was comfortable with.
“‘Bulkie’?” snickered Dash. “Seriously?”
“Focus, girls!” said Twilight. “So, we know how the culprit got out of the room without being seen… So now we pretty much know the whole story!”
“We do?” asked everypony else.
“Yes, we do! Our attacker comes up the stairs and enters Mayor Mare’s office while Raven is in the file room. She finds the Mayor in front of her desk with her back to the door, and takes advantage of this to catch her unaware. So she grabs the picture frame off the wall, hits the Mayor over the back of the head, then flies up to the ceiling, exits through the dormer window which nopony will notice is left open, slides down the roof, and takes off before Raven can come in and investigate. Everything fits!”
“Egad, Twilight! Genius!” cheered Pinkie Pie, before suddenly returning to earth. “Er, no, wait, something doesn’t add up.”
“What do you mean?” asked Twilight.
“I dunno, it just sounds kinda... silly. And not good-fun-Pinkie-silly either. I mean, who just walks into somepony’s room and hits them over the head right away?”
“It do sound a mite contrived,” Applejack nodded in reluctant agreement.
“And why would Mayor Mare be facing her desk from the front, anyway?” added Fluttershy.
“Hmmm, those are all good points…” muttered Twilight. “Spike, are you getting all this?”
“Yeah, yeah, good points, got it.”
Wrapped in her thoughts, Twilight wandered silently back over to the Mayor’s desk. One item immediately caught her attention: lying neatly on the front end of the desk was a thick brown envelope with a large white shipping label.
“Pony Express…” Twilight read aloud. “This was delivered today. Did any couriers come by today, Raven?”
“No, none at all,” said Raven, visibly perplexed. “I sign for all of Mayor Mare’s correspondence, so I would know.”
“Then somepony delivered this to her personally…” said Twilight darkly.
“So we’re looking for a courier now?” said Rarity.
“I can see it,” said Rainbow. “A lot of pegasi work over at Pony Express. It’s as good a place as any to start looking.”
“But why would a courier want to hurt the Mayor?” asked Fluttershy.
“Why should anypony want to hurt anypony at all?” countered Applejack.
“Oooh, what if it’s not really a courier, but a pony pretending to be a courier?” suggested Pinkie Pie.
“That’s also a possibility,” nodded Twilight. “But it’s the only lead we have right now, so it looks like our next stop is Pony Express.”
“Not tonight, it’s not,” said Raven. “Their office closes at 8:00.”
“And it is getting kinda late,” Spike yawned.
“Fine, whatever,” sighed Twilight. “I guess this is as far as we’re going tonight. Alright girls, rest up and meet me at the Fortress of Friendship first thing tomorrow morning. Next stop: Pony Express…”
Mystery Night in Ponyville A FiM fic by (Insert Pen Name) Part II: Prime Suspect
Twilight Sparkle woke bright and early the next day with an invigourating sense of purpose and determination. Purposefully she made straight for the bathroom, and with great determination she poured herself a glass of water to quench her overnight thirst. On any other day, her morning ablutions would have coincided with the mental composition of a long and detailed list of every tedious little task that needed to be done around the house, but not today. She had a mystery to solve!
She found Spike already in the kitchen, still dressed in his little suit and mustache from the previous night.
"I hope you're not planning on wearing that out today," said Twilight as she searched the refrigerator for something pleasant to stick in her mouth.
"Why not?" asked Spike. "We're still going to solve the mystery of 'Who clobbered Mayor Mare', aren't we?"
"Yeah, but not in costume," replied Twilight. "This is a serious mystery we're dealing with, Spike."
"We did it last night," argued Spike.
"Last night was an emergency. We weren't going to waste time changing, now were we?"
At that moment, there came a loud knocking upon the chamber door. Having failed to find something suitable for breakfast, Twilight plodded over to the door to greet her friends. She was more than a little surprised to find that they too had apparently dressed for the occasion.
"'Mornin', Twilight! Where's yer costume?" asked Applejack, grinning broadly beneath her grey fedora.
"Costume? Why would I be wearing my costume today?" exclaimed Twilight. "Why are you wearing your costumes?"
"To solve a mystery, duh," said Rainbow Dash with a roll of her eyes.
"Are you all serious? Somepony just tried to kill the Mayor, and you girls are playing dress-up?"
"Now Twilight, be reasonable," soothed Rarity. "We don't know for sure they were actually trying to kill her per se."
"Fine, whatever, but not the point!"
"Look, Twilight," said Applejack bluntly, "I'm all for doin' my civic duty and everything. But the way I see it, if we're gonna' be gallivantin' around town on some contrived investigation, we may as well go the full nine yards and have a bit o' fun with it."
The others all nodded in agreement.
"Plus, I did go through all the trouble of dying my hair," added Fluttershy meekly.
"But..."
"Come on, Twilight, don't be such a silly stick-in-the-mud!" said Pinkie Pie. "See, Spike's got the right idea!"
Indeed, Spike had already taken the initiative of fetching Twilight's costume habit for her. For a moment, Twilight remained obstinate beneath the coaxing stares of her friends. For a moment.
"Fine," she groaned finally.
* * *
"Hey girls! You do know Nightmare Night was, like, two weeks ago, right?"
Twilight let out an embarrassed groan. The jeers had started almost as soon as the motley detective crew had left the fortress, and showed no sign of letting up as they trudged through the snowy streets. Unlike Twilight, however, the rest of her friends seemed to relish in the extra attention; even Fluttershy managed to meekly wave back to every pony who commented on their mysterious apparel.
"Morning, Rarity, love the hat! You too, Pinkie Pie!"
"Did Fluttershy dye her hair?!"
"Howdy, Applejack! You find that black bird yet?"
"So are you a mare of the cloth now, Twilight?"
"I really like her mane!"
"Whose mane?"
"All of them!"
Applejack chuckled loudly as Twilight reached back to pull her cowl over her head.
"You doin' alright, there, Sugarcube? I can tell 'em to lay off if you want."
"I'm fine, Applejack," sighed Twilight. "Let's just get this started. Spike, do you still have our notes from last night?"
"Right here, Twilight," said Spike diligently.
"Good. Our first stop is the Pony Express office. We need to find out who was carrying that package yesterday."
"So we're still going with the 'mysterious courier' angle, eh?" said Rainbow.
"Um, aren't we sort of jumping to conclusions there?" interjected Fluttershy. "I mean, it's just a package. I get packages in the mail all the time, and nothing bad's ever happened to me."
"It is something of a long shot, yes," agreed Rarity. "But so far, it's the only lead we have."
"Besides, what've you ever done to an-tagonize the mailpony?" joked Applejack.
"She did stuff him into the mailbox that one time..." answered Pinkie Pie, much to Fluttershy's embarrassment.
"Alright girls, we're here," said Twilight suddenly. "Act professional."
The Pony Express office was a modest building on the outskirts of Ponyville, little more than a glorified warehouse with stone block walls and a broad tin roof. The face of the building was barren save for a plain wooden sign, upon which the words 'PONY EXPRESS' were printed in large block letters beneath the silhouetted image of a smiling pony with a crate on her back. A small sign marked 'OPEN' hung in the window by the front door.
Inside, they found a small lobby with four green chairs, one of which was missing a leg, and a battered desk behind which sat a bored clerk with her hindhooves on the desktop. She straightened up immediately as soon as Twilight and the gang walked in, however, and greeted them with the sort of visceral half-smile that clerks alone have long mastered.
"Welcome to Pony Express," she said mechanically. "How can we help you today?"
"Yes, we'd like to see the manager of this establishment, if you please," said Rarity, taking the initiative straight away. "And don't bother with the feigned pleasantries, thank-you."
"Whatever. He's in the main office over there," said the mare, indicating a wooden green door opposite her desk. "He's not in a good mood, so don't say I didn't warn you."
"Why isn't he in a good mood?" asked Fluttershy.
The mare shrugged.
"He never is. You get used to it. Have a nice day or whatever."
The interior of the office was not a room to elevate the senses. A single struggling ceiling lamp combined with the grubby slats of an ancient window blind conspired to bathe the room in a sickly jaundiced pallour. The filing cabinets had clearly not been dusted in months, and had probably not been opened in even longer, judging from the mess of loose papers and envelopes and folders that littered nearly every available surface. Central to the room was a solid and imposing walnut desk, behind which sat a solid and imposing pegasus stallion with a chestnut brown coat and an unshaven face. Next to the desk sat a beat-up wastepaper basket that was overflowing with shredded or scrunched-up papers, as well as the distinct wrappings of several bottom-shelf salt-licks.
The stallion gave no notice to their presence. He sat hunched over the desk, pencil between his teeth, struggling furiously with a single sheet of figures, and he was clearly losing. Grumbling, he quickly punched a series of numbers into an adding machine, pulled the lever, found the results to be singularly nonsensical, and reacted appropriately by sweeping the whole mess off his desk onto the floor. Only then did he acknowledge the six mares and the young dragon who stood before him.
"Who the feather are you?" he asked gruffly.
Rather than dignify him with a verbal response, Twilight Sparkle simply reached up and drew back her cowl.
"Oh, it's you girls..." he said awkwardly, recognising Ponyville's resident princess. "Sorry about that, Princess. Long day."
"It's 10:00 in the morning," scoffed Applejack.
"Yeah, and I can't wait for it to end," he said, glancing sideways at the mess beside him.
Twilight rolled her eyes.
"Look, Mister...?"
"Crates. Crafty Crates," answered the stallion. "My friends call me 'Boxy'."
"Okay, 'Boxy', we'll cut to the quick. We're trying to trace a delivery to Town Hall yesterday. Do you have any records about who delivers your packages?"
"Sure thing, Princess," said Boxy, reaching down beneath his desktop. "Give me a moment."
From one of his desk drawers, Boxy soon produced a thin green ledger, inscribed with a date in bold black marker:
AE2014, Sept 14-
"That's all our deliveries going back to mid-September," explained Boxy. "I got the rest of the year in here too, if you want."
"No, thank-you, this should be fine," said Twilight politely.
Flipping open the ledger's hard green cover revealed a series of tables which listed the date the parcel was posted, the destination, the time the delivery was expected to take, a brief description of the parcel, the courier entrusted with the parcel, and finally the status of the status of the delivery, like so:
"What's with the numbers?" asked Pinkie Pie as they scanned down the lists. "Everypony's marked 'Courier Four' or 'Courier Five' or 'Courier Sixteen', and so on. Is it some kind of super-secret code?"
"Sort of," said Boxy with a shrug. "I don't dole out the packages face-to-face. What we've got is a bunch of drop-boxes, each with a different number, and each one has a courier assigned to it."
"So 'Courier Twelve' is the pony assigned to drop-box number twelve," concluded Twilight.
"That's right. It's also their locker number, and their employee ID, and stuff. Anyway, whenever I get a new package to be delivered, I just stick it in whichever box is free, along with the manifest and stuff, and then it's up to that courier to do the rest," explained Boxy.
"Where are these boxes?" asked Applejack.
"Out in the warehouse. You can't miss 'em; they're big and green just like everything else around here."
"Good to know," nodded Twilight before turning to her trusty assistant. "Alright Spike, let's see if we can find last night's package in here."
Pleased to be of service, Spike dutifully rifled through the ledger until he reached the last page of entries. As it turned out, theirs was the very last one on the list:
Nov 17; Ponyville Mayor's Office; Same-Day; Large envelope, important; Courier 6; Completed
"Bingo..." said Twilight. "Do you remember this one, Boxy?"
"Oh yeah," nodded Boxy. "Came in last night around 6:00-ish, I think."
"Courier Six..." Dash read aloud. "That's our pony, I guess."
"You should find her in the warehouse," said Boxy. "No reason for her to be anywhere else."
"Her?" asked Fluttershy.
"They're all 'her's," shrugged Boxy.
"Good to know. We'll take it from here then, thank-you," said Twilight curtly before leading the group back into the lobby.
"So, we're lookin' for a 'Courier-Six', eh?" said Applejack.
"That's what was in the book," said Dash. "Let's check out the warehouse, see if she's around. Or if anypony knows her."
"I somehow doubt we'll find her," said Rarity as they now approached the double doors to warehouse proper. "After all, what sort of pony just shows up to work the next day after committing felony assault?"
"Somepony who really really likes their job, obviously," suggested Pinkie Pie. "And the job was marked 'completed', so she must have come back at some point afterwards."
"Either way, we'd best check it out," said Applejack. "It's was good detectives do."
"Yeah, that's us alright," said Twilight sardonically. "So let's see what we've got in here... woah."
If the state of Boxy's office could be considered something along the lines of organised chaos, then the interior of the warehouse was more akin to chaotic organisation. Great mountains of crates and boxes teetered over equally high mounds of envelopes of varying size. Throughout the warehouse, ponies scurried about like a nest of ants, pulling carts, pushing dollies, operating cranes, inspecting labels, and building mighty fortresses out of empty cardboard boxes, which then came under siege from enemy forklifts.
Set against the wall just right of the door were the drop-boxes Boxy had mentioned, eighteen in all. Each was painted green with a brass number on the front and a bright red metal flag on the side. At the moment, none of the boxes appeared to be in use.
"My word, how are we supposed to find anypony in this mess?" asked Rarity.
"Easy," scoffed Dash. "Like this."
Dash immediately stepped into the vast room and seized the nearest pony she could by the scruff of their neck, in this instance a nervous young stallion pushing a mail cart.
"Where's Courier Six?!" she demanded, pressing her nose firmly against his.
The unfortunate stallion gulped, and extended a shaky hoof over Dash's shoulder towards a bank of lockers on the wall behind her. Like the drop-boxes, these too were painted green and marked with brass numbers. Locker number-six easily stood out by virtue of that fact that it was the only one that was open, its owner rummaging blissfully about inside. The angle of the door concealed her face from the detectives' view, but the rest of her body was plainly visible, from her dull grey coat and straw-coloured tail, right down to her soap-bubble cutie-mark...
"No... way," said Dash, half-torn between amusement and disbelief.
Whistling softly to herself, the mare straightened back up, cheerfully slammed the locker door shut, and spotted the intrepid investigators immediately out of the corner of her distorted periphery.
"Oh hey girls!" said Derpy Hooves with a cheery wave. "What's with the clothes? Is it Nightmare Night again already?"
Nopony answered. Instead, the confused courier soon found herself backing away as Twilight and the others moved to surround her.
"Derpy Hooves," said Twilight when it was clear that Derpy had nowhere to run. "It seems you were in the Mayor's office last night..."
What little colour there was in Derpy's face quickly drained away.
"W-who, me?" she stammered. "N-no, you must be mistaken, I w-was-"
"Spare us, darling," said Rarity coldly.
"We know it was you, Derpy," said Rainbow. "We already checked the books, Courier-Six."
Derpy gulped as beads of sweat trickled down her brow.
"N-no, wait, you've got the wrong pony. I'm not Courier-Six."
"Then how come there's a big ol' number-six on yer locker?" asked Applejack.
"Uh... because... i-it's really a nine!" declared Derpy desperately. "Y-yeah, that's right. I'm a-actually Courier-Nine, and the number just got flipped over, get it?"
Even Pinkie Pie was unamused at that one.
"There's no use trying to lie to us, Derpy. You are coming with us," said Twilight firmly.
"Oh. O-okay," said Derpy glumly. "S-sure, just give me a second to... Fly out that window!"
And before anypony could react, Derpy did exactly that, propelling herself straight into the air through a conveniently open skylight and out into the wild blue yonder.
"Shoot! After her, Rainbow!"
But Dash was already gone, her cream-coloured suit hat drifting back down from the skylight.
* * *
Few ponies wake up in the morning expecting to witness anything more exciting than the morning traffic. Ponyville was certainly no exception, but once a pony has witnessed the return of a fallen princess, frequent invasions by hostile or criminally negligent wildlife, and the re-ascent of several prime evils, it does tend to take away much of the surprise when something exciting actually does happen... such as a high-speed airborne chase between a courier and a weather technician dressed as a Los Pegasus detective, for instance.
Derpy Hooves was quick, Dash had to give her that. She had qualified for the Best Young Fliers Competition after all. Of course, nopony could match Rainbow Dash for sheer velocity, but what Derpy lacked in speed she made up for in maneuverability, banking and diving at random in a desperate effort to keep Dash from closing the gap.
Their chase soon took them right into the streets of Ponyville, Derpy having clearly realised that she stood no chance in the open sky. Dash sped after her down the main street, dodging pedestrians and other obstacles as they went, unaware for the moment that others had joined the chase.
"Hi Dashie!"
"Waaa! Pinkie Pie?!"
"That's me!" said Pinkie giddily as she kept pace alongside her friend, her queer red hat remaining firmly balanced on her head.
"What are you doing here?"
"Twilight sent us to lend a hoof!" answered Applejack, who was running hard on Dash's other side with Spike clinging tight to her mane for dear life. "You keep on her, we'll split up an' try to head her off at the pass!"
Dash nodded and the three ponies separated. Derpy continued to lead her through narrow paths and alleys, but Dash refused to be lost so easily. Eventually the chase emerged out into one of the less crowded areas of town, where the streets were wider and the yards larger.
"I have you now..." muttered Dash to herself.
Suddenly, Derpy spread her wings against the wind and brought herself almost to a complete stop. Before Dash could react, she had already overshot her by a good fifty metres.
"Horsefeathers!"
Dash whipped around, but Derpy was already gone. For a fleeting instant, the full weight of her failure came crashing down on her. She had failed. Utterly. She had let her overconfidence get the better of her, and had lost the perp as a result. Perhaps, she thought, there was a valuable lesson to be taken out of this debacle that wait, was that a grey blur she just saw speeding between those two houses?!
In a flash, Dash was off on the trail again, her introspection left abandoned in the dust. Derpy was on the ground running now, leaping over garden fences and tearing through backyards as she went. Sensing her opportunity, Dash climbed a short distance before throwing herself into a dive at the fleeing courier. As she neared, Derpy turned to look behind her, and for an instant Dash beheld the panic in her eyes...
And then there was an explosion.
Pink smoke and confetti clouded Dash's vision even as she slammed into Derpy from above. Together they crashed through somepony's backyard fence and tumbled the length of that somepony's backyard before coming to an abrupt and painful end against the side of a navy-blue toolshed that also, incidentally, belonged to that particular somepony.
"Whoo-hoo! Told you my Party Cannon would come in handy!"
"Fair enough, though I still reckon I could've lassoed her without wingin' poor Rainbow."
"Ugh, who're you callin' poor?" groaned Dash as she extricated herself from beneath the dazed Derpy Hooves.
"Oh, nopony special," teased Applejack. "You two alright?"
Despite her unfavourable landing, Dash was largely unhurt. Derpy, however, seemed greatly disoriented by the ordeal, and the three ponies plus Spike cautiously allowed her some space to regain herself.
"I'm okay," said Derpy finally, before suddenly realising who she was talking to. "Oh crap..."
Before Derpy could find her hooves again, Dash seized her by the scruff of her neck and slammed her into the side of the blue shed.
"End of the line, Derpy," spat Dash. "You're in big trouble now."
"No!" Derpy wailed. "Please, i-it wasn't me! I-I d-didn't do it! I don't wanna go to jail! I don't wanna get my wings clipped!"
"Get your wings clipped...?!" repeated Dash, visibly alarmed.
"Forget that," said Applejack bluntly. "If it weren't you, Derpy, then why in the hay did ya run from us?"
"I was scared," sniffed Derpy. "I-I mean, what would you do if a bunch of crazy ponies in kooky suits accused you of trying to kill the Mayor?"
"Ah, but we never said anything about anypony trying to kill the Mayor!" declared Pinkie Pie triumphantly.
"I'm not stupid, Pinkie Pie," replied Derpy quietly. "Why else would you be asking me about last night?"
"So ya were at the Mayor's office," pressed Applejack.
"I... yes," answered Derpy reluctantly. "I got the package in my dropbox yesterday evening. I went to the Mayor's office and I... I..."
"Go on," coaxed Spike gently, even as he wrote every word down on his pad.
"I... There wasn't anypony outside," Derpy continued now in earnest. "So I knocked on the Mayor's door myself. Nopony answered, so I looked in and... oh gosh, she looked so horrible..."
"Wait, so the Mayor was already bonked when you showed up?" asked Pinkie Pie, incredulous.
"T-that's right," gulped Derpy. "At first I didn't know what to do, but then.... then I heard hoofsteps coming upstairs, and I panicked. What if they thought I did it? O-or what if it was the pony who did it, looking for witnesses? So I flew up to the ceiling to hide, and then I saw the upper windows there, so I went out that way before they came in."
"And then you slid down the roof and took off from the balcony," ventured Spike.
"Y-yes, how did you-?"
"We found yer tracks," sighed Applejack. "Did ya see who it was that came in?"
"Er, no, I didn't. Sorry."
"I see," murmured Applejack. "And you expect us to believe all this?"
"Actually, her story makes sense," said Spike. "If there was nopony outside the door, but the Mayor was already down, then Derpy must have arrived after Raven found the Mayor and ran to get help. The hoofsteps that Derpy heard must have been the ponimedics."
"Y-yeah, I guess that's it then," agreed Derpy, visibly relieved.
"There's just one more thing..." said Dash, before suddenly pulling Derpy up and slamming her anew against the shed. "Why did-"
"What the bloody hell is going on out here?!"
All eyes turned to the source of the voice behind them. Standing outside the back door of the house were two familiar stallions who regarded the scene before them with outrage. The foremost of the two was a young brown earth-stallion with bright blue eyes and a messy chestnut mane. The other behind him was also an earth-stallion, myopic and wrinkled and liver-spotted with age, who wore the black and white collar of the clergy.
"Oooh, hi Doctor Whoof!" waved Pinkie Pie. "Hi, Mister Waddle!"
Mister Waddle waved back, but Whoof refused to lift his resolute glare.
"Anypony care to explain what I'm looking at here?" he asked with a grimace.
"Settle down now, Doc," cautioned Applejack. "This here's official town business. Ain't none o' yer concern."
"Is that so?" replied Whoof. "Well I beg to differ, seeing as this is my backyard you're in, my fence you just smashed, and... oh yes, my girlfriend you're working over!"
Applejack raised a hoof as if to retort, but soon slumped back down in resignation.
"He's got us there," said Spike.
Sensing her chance, Derpy wrenched herself free of Dash's grip and hurried to her beau's waiting embrace.
"It's alright, Derpy," he said tenderly to her as she buried her face in his shoulder. "Now, what in blazes is this all about?"
"We're solving a mystery!" beamed Pinkie Pie. "The mystery of who hit Mayor Mare over the back of the head with a picture frame in her office sometime last night and got her sent to the hospital!"
"Ah yes, I heard about that," nodded Mister Waddle. "Ugly business."
"But what does that have to do with- Oh gad, you don't think Derpy did it?!" asked Whoof in alarm.
"Not anymore we don't," said Applejack.
"Wait, we don't?!" asked Rainbow Dash, incredulous.
"Nope. Her story checks out."
Relief washed over Derpy's face like no simile has ever described. By contrast, Waddle's face seemed to darken for a moment before resuming his usual elderly cheer.
"Well, I'd best mosey off," he said brightly. "Lot's to do today. See you all later."
"'Bye, Mister Waddle," called Pinkie Pie as the old cleric departed. "See you on Sunday. I'll bring doughnuts!"
"The rest of you had best leave as well," said Whoof flatly. "Best of luck in your investigation."
"Thanks, Doc," nodded Applejack. "I'll send Big Macintosh over to fix the fence later. 'Bye."
With no further words spoken, the four took their leave and started the trek back to the Pony Express office. Only when they were well out of sight of Doctor Whoof's house did Rainbow Dash cut loose.
"So what, we're just letting her off? Just like that? After all the trouble she put us through?"
"Forget it, Dash, it's Ponyville..." said Pinkie gruffly before allowing herself a giggle.
"Do you honestly think she did it?" Applejack retorted.
Dash considered that for a moment.
"I guess I don't. I mean, she had the opportunity and everything, but no motive. Still, I get the feeling we weren't getting the whole story out of her."
"She was scared, Dash," said Spike. "Ponies tend to panic when you accuse them of attempted murder or whatever this turns out to be."
"Hey Dashie, what were you going to ask Derpy before the Doc came out anyway?" asked Pinkie Pie.
"Oh that? I was going to ask about when she dropped the parcel on the desk in her story," explained Dash.
"Probably just tossed it there without thinkin' before she left," shrugged Applejack. "Ya tend to do things automatically when you're on the job. Seems like a dumb thing to nail her to the wall over."
Mystery Night in Ponyville A FiM fic by (Insert Pen Name) Part III: False Witnesses
Twilight Sparkle paced back and forth anxiously within the head office at Pony Express. Rarity, sitting calmly nearby, might have made a remark about wearing a hole in the floor, but a cursory glance thereof made it clear that the floor had already seen much woe in its time, and a well-paced hole would make little difference at this point.
Across the room, Fluttershy sat quietly by herself. Behind the desk sat the burly pegasus Crafty Crates, AKA "Boxy", who seemed more than a tad uneasy about the whole affair.
"I still can't believe Derpy would do a thing like that. I mean yeah, stuff does tend to go haywire when she's around, but not on purpose. You sure it wasn't an accident or something?"
"Positive," said Twilight dryly.
"Well I hope she's innocent for her sake," said Boxy. "She's not built for prison, that one. Y'know, I did time once."
"Really?" asked Rarity with audible intrigue. "Dare I ask what for?"
"Aggravated assault," Boxy said bluntly. "About eight years back. Found my wife in bed with our marriage councilor."
"Oh my," gasped Fluttershy.
"Just so there's no confusion, it was him I beat up, not my wife," added Boxy.
"Good to know," nodded Twilight. "So what happened then?"
"She got the house, and I got six months at RCCF," explained Boxy. "That's Royal Canterlot Correctional Facility. Big place, let me tell you."
"What was it like?" asked Fluttershy.
"Not so bad, actually. The food was alright, and the guards were polite enough. They did clip my wings, though, I was pretty miffed about that for a while..."
"They clipped your wings?!" cried Rarity in alarm. "That's just... monstrous!"
"Yeah. But it has to be done. Can't risk a third of the inmates up and flying away now, can you?" replied Boxy. "Plus, when you think about it, it's either that or spend every waking minute in your cell like a bird in a cage. Me, I prefer my space."
"But still, they took away what made you a pegasus," persisted Rarity.
"Only until my next molt. Besides, us pegasi had it easy," chuckled Boxy. "Unicorns had to go through an anti-magic spell. Twice a day! It was pretty funny watching all those unicorn guys learning to hold a spoon with their hoof like a baby again, heh-heh."
Twilight suddenly felt very self-conscious about her own motor skills.
"The earth-ponies had it the worst, though," added Boxy darkly.
"The earth-ponies? Whatever did they do to them?" asked Rarity, torn between curiosity and anticipated horror.
"Oh they didn't do anything," scoffed Boxy. "But the thing is, RCCF's all stone and concrete and iron; the only thing green in there was the bedsheets. And for an earth-pony... well, let's just say that whole 'Kinship with the Earth' thing cuts both ways..."
Rarity found herself remembering Applejack's stories about living in Manehattan, and pining for the fields, meadows, and orchards of home.
"Anyway, I got off on parole for good behaviour after about four months, and I've never looked back," said Boxy happily. "I'd say it was a positive life experience overall... Oh hey, look who's back."
Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Spike had just trudged through the door, none of them looking particularly pleased with themselves. Twilight did not find that reassuring.
"What happened?" she asked flatly. "Did you catch Derpy?"
"Eeyup," said Applejack. "Gave us a good chase, but we got 'er in the end."
"For, like, two minutes," grumbled Rainbow Dash. "Then her boyfriend showed up."
"Boyfriend?"
"Doctor Whoof," explained Pinkie Pie. "We were in his backyard when we caught her."
"Hardly a coincidence," noted Rarity. "I imagine that's where she felt she'd be safe."
"But were you able to get any information?" asked Twilight.
"Yeah, turns out she's not our pony," said Spike.
"Wait, what?!"
"That's a relief," sighed Boxy. "Last thing I need is for one of my top couriers to get nailed with an assault charge. Anyway, if you girls need anything else, I'll be happy to assist. Now get the feathering buck out of my office!"
A moment later, as the group left the Pony Express office and headed back into town, Spike recounted in detail their brief interrogation of Derpy Hooves.
"I hate to admit it, but her story checks out," sighed Twilight. "Great. Now we're even worse off than before. Everything we thought we knew, the tracks, the window, the package, it's all a bunch of red herring."
"Not everything," piped up Pinkie Pie. "What do we have left in your notes, Spike?"
"Uh, let's see," muttered Spike as he flipped through more than a few pages on his notepad. "We still have the 'murder' weapon. And we have Raven's story; she was away from her desk for only a few minutes, and heard the sounds of a struggle right as she came back. She didn't see anypony in the office, and she didn't see anypony enter or leave."
"So we're back to that little puzzle," grumbled Applejack.
"Rainbow Dash theorised that the attacker may have hid behind the curtains, then made a break for it when Raven left to find help," continued Spike.
"That seems sound enough," considered Rarity. "But the notion that somepony just happened to walk in while Raven was in the next room seems a tad... far-fetched. A pity Raven was the only witness on the scene..."
"Um, actually-" began Fluttershy.
"But of course!" exclaimed Rarity. "How could we not have seen it sooner?"
"Uh, come again, Rare?" asked Applejack.
"Think about it, girls," said Rarity excitedly. "What if there was no other pony?"
What Rarity no doubt imagined to be a profound query was met with a round of blank stares.
"What?"
Rarity groaned, but her excitement did not abate.
"What if the reason Raven saw nopony enter or leave... was because there was nopony to enter or leave! Just her!"
"Wait, are you saying-?"
"What if Raven is our culprit?" finished Rarity triumphantly. "Don't you see? It would be the perfect crime! No witnesses, no suspicious activity, just a quick bop on the head when her employer wasn't looking. And what better way to throw us off the scent than to be the one to 'find' her after the attack?"
"Um, we could-"
"But why would Raven want to hurt her own boss?" asked Pinkie Pie, as though the idea were utterly foreign to her. "That's almost like hitting your Mom!"
"Now Pinkie, darling, not everypony has as good a relationship with their boss as you do with the Cakes," said Rarity. "Indeed, as Mayor Mare's personal assistant, I'm sure Raven has no shortage of personal reasons to wish her harm. Perhaps a quarrel broke out between them? It would certainly explain the use of an improvised weapon such as the picture frame."
"This is actually starting to make sense," said Dash. "Like, a scary amount of sense."
"I dunno..." said Pinkie Pie, her brow furrowed. "Seems kinda fishy if you ask me..."
"Improbable, yes," sniffed Rarity with a sudden accent. "But not impossible. And as they say, once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the solution."
"That's a load of hooey!" countered Pinkie Pie, adjusting her distinctive crimson hat. "Impossible stuff happens all the time. It's the improbable stuff I got a problem with."
Twilight thought deeply for a second, then spoke, slowly and cautiously.
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but... Rarity might be on to something. I personally don't think Raven is involved... but it's a possibility we can't ignore. And in any case, we should try and confirm her testimony. Too bad she's our only witness."
"No she's not!" said Fluttershy, so suddenly that even she herself was taken aback. "I mean, there is still somepony else we haven't talked to yet."
"There is? Who?"
"The Mayor."
Realisation struck Twilight like a sack of bricks, with a healthy dose of mortar mixed in for good measure.
"Of course!" she said, smacking herself on the brow. "How could we have forgot? Surely the Mayor must have seen or heard something about her attack!"
"Now why didn't we ask her before?" asked Applejack.
"She wasn't exactly in a fit mood to answer questions last night," replied Rarity.
"Do you think she's alright now?" asked Pinkie Pie.
"Even if she isn't, it'd still be a good idea to check up on her," said Twilight. "And the doctors might have some more information for us."
"Like how sloshed she was last night," suggested Applejack, remembering the liquor bottle they had found.
"It's settled then. Let's go check on the Mayor."
Then had not gone two steps when Pinkie Pie suddenly shouted:
"WAIT A SECOND! We need to stop by my place first."
* * *
About a half-hour later, the intrepid investigators were drawing fresh stares at the Ponyville General Hospital. Nurses, patients, and orderlies alike watched in confusion as they passed, both at their costumes and the massive multicoloured cluster of balloons dragging across the ceiling above them.
"Did you have to bring so many, Pinkie?" asked Dash in a harsh whisper.
"Uh-huh. How would you like it if you were hurt, and I showed up with a substandard amount of 'Get Well' balloons?"
"Where did you even get so many?" asked Rarity. "You were only inside for all of thirty seconds."
"I have my ways..." said Pinkie wistfully, while Dash simply fixed Rarity with a look that curtly said "Don't ask."
It was not hard to find the Mayor's ward. Through the halls there came and went a steady stream of toadies, cronies, supplicants, and yes-ponies. If nothing else, it proved that Mayor Mare was certainly not lonely. Upon arriving at her room, Twilight and the rest were pleased to see the Mayor sitting cheerfully up in bed, albeit with her crown wrapped in gauze, enjoying a lively interview with a certain neon-maned local disk-jockey with a radio crew at her back.
"Well, that's about it for our interview," said Vinyl Scratch into the microphone. "Is there anything you'd like to say to all our awesome listeners before we sign off, Mayor Mare?"
"Oh, nothing much. I just want to thank all my good constituents for their concern and appreciation, both now and when I seek re-election this coming spring."
"Powerful words from a powerful mare," said Scratch in a serious tone that any regular listener of hers would realise was not serious in the slightest. "Anyway, that's all for now. I'm DJ Pon-3, broadcasting to you live on Ponyville 800 EKLW! Peace out!"
Scratch and her radio crew quickly filed out of the room with their equipment in tow, leaving the Mayor alone with her would-be mystery mares.
"Ah, Princess Twilight Sparkle," the Mayor greeted her with a bow. "How are you, your highness?"
"I'm... fine, actually, thanks for asking."
"That's good. Raven informs me that you and the rest of the former Element-Bearers are investigating this attempt on my life. I take it you're here to tell me you've found the culprit?"
"Former Element-Bearers?" repeated Dash in indignation.
"Actually, we don't really even have a suspect," interjected Twilight. "Sorry."
For a fraction of a second, the Mayor's hopeful expression seemed to shift to something more... relaxed.
"I see," she said calmly. "That's unfortunate."
"But we do have some leads," Twilight continued. "Right now, we were hoping we could get your testimony."
"My... testimony?" asked the Mayor with visible unease.
"Anything you can remember about last night," explained Twilight. "Anything you can tell us would be a great help to us."
"Yes, well, the thing is..." Mayor Mare began hastily before composing herself. "I've tried to remember but... I honestly really can't."
"Seriously?" groaned Rainbow Dash. "Nothing at all?!"
"It's the funniest thing, isn't it?" the Mayor laughed nervously. "Must be the concussion."
"Must be," muttered Applejack with narrowed eyes.
"In any event, thank-you so much for investigating this horrid matter, Princess," the Mayor said with a long bow. "And I hope I can continue to count on your support and goodwill this coming spring. Now if you'll excuse me, I must be getting some rest."
Twilight momentarily considered pulling rank on the Mayor, but quickly thought better of it. Sensing that further conversation would avail them little, she instead led them back out into the hall.
"Well that was a waste of time," grumbled Rainbow Dash. "And who's she calling 'former Element-Bearers'?"
"Well, we did give up the Elements, after all," noted Fluttershy.
"And then we got 'em back! Sort of, I dunno... Point is, I didn't save the world half-a-dozen times just to get talked down to just because I don't have my pretty necklace anymore."
"She weren't talkin' down to ye, Rainbow," said Applejack. "But she was acting mighty suspicious."
"Do you really believe what she said?" asked Fluttershy.
"We'll soon find out," said Twilight. "Let's see what Nurse Redheart has to say..."
The nurse in question happened to be standing just a short distance down the hall, surveying a clipboard, but she quickly snapped to attention as the crew of clue-seekers approached.
"Nurse Redheart," Twilight began amicably. "You helped tend to Mayor Mare after she was brought in?"
"Myself and Doctor Stable, yes," Redheart answered tersely.
"We were hoping to ask you some questions," continued Twilight.
"Well, normally my Hippocampic Oath forbids me from divulging patient information," explained Redheart. "But then again, things are never normal when you ponies are involved, no offence meant."
"None taken."
"So what do you wish to know?"
"Describe the Mayor's injuries, please," inquired Twilight.
"Superficial. The blow broke the scalp, and I'm sure it hurt like mad, but aside from the swelling, she's in perfect health."
"No concussion?" asked Twilight in surprise.
"Heavens, no, thankfully. However, her blood alcohol level was through the roof. It seems she'd been drinking heavily last night, though she insists she only had a glass of wine with dinner."
"We found a bottle o' Berryshine in her office," offered Applejack.
"That would do it," nodded Redheart grimly. "Can't stand that stuff myself, but it does wonders on my grout."
"So the Mayor was only drunk last night instead of seriously hurt," Twilight concluded with grim amusement. "One more thing; do injuries of this sort normally result in, say, amnesia?"
Nurse Redheart tilted her head quizzically, but quickly caught her meaning.
"Not normally, no. Though it would certainly be convenient, I imagine."
* * *
"Well, the Mayor's a big fat liar," said Dash bluntly as they left the snowy hospital grounds.
"No surprise there," muttered Applejack.
"But why would she lie to us?" asked Fluttershy. "Doesn't she want us to find out who did this to her?"
"Do you suppose she's trying to protect somepony?" suggested Rarity.
"Yeah. Herself," Applejack snorted. "I may not know much about politics, but the way I see it, if somepony gives ya a whack on the head, ya probably did or said somethin' to deserve it."
"And whatever she did or said, she doesn't want anypony finding out about it," Fluttershy realised aloud.
"Exactly. So long as the attacker's at large, Mayor Mare can keep on playin' the victim. But for us to catch 'em now would be like airin' her dirty laundry out in the Town Square."
"And with a spring election coming up," noted Spike. "So the question is, what did she do or say?"
"She was intoxicated last night," Rarity pointed out. "Yes, that would fit very nicely with my theory. A drunken quarrel with her own personal assistant would be quite the scandal."
"Sounds good to me," said Twilight. "And if the Mayor does have a dirty secret, Town Hall is a good place to start looking. Let's move out!"
* * *
They arrived at Town Hall to find it apparently deserted, its regulars no doubt tied up with the Mayor at the hospital. Locating Raven proved to be no great effort. In fact, it was no effort at all, by virtue of the fact that she happened to emerge from a nearby door at the exact same moment that they entered the Hall. Accompanying her was a tall grey earth-stallion with pale blue hair and a scroll cutie-mark.
"Raven!" Twilight shouted across the room, causing both ponies to jump like startled rabbits.
"P-princess Twilight Sparkle," she said, attempting a smile. "How goes your investigation?"
"Oh it's going, alright," interjected Pinkie Pie. "In fact, it's going right now!"
"Huh?"
"We wanted to follow up on some of the things you told us last night," said Rarity with a mean glint in her eye. "Particularly concerning your whereabouts..."
The grey stallion coughed suddenly.
"Sorry, who are you?" asked Twilight.
"Tall Order, at your service, Princess," answered the stallion with a bow. "I run the Town Archives down in the basement," he added, indicating the door through which he and Raven had just come.
"Look, could we maybe discuss this somewhere more private?" suggested Raven nervously.
"You see anypony else around? I don't," said Rainbow Dash.
"I reckon here'll do just fine," added Applejack darkly.
"Last night, you told us the Mayor was attacked while you were out in the other room for 'a minute or two'," Twilight continued. "A minute or two in which somepony happened to come upstairs into the office, hit her over the head with a picture frame of all things, and then escaped the scene before you even knew what was happening? Sounds a little far-fetched, don't you think girls?"
"Eeyup," they each said as one.
"Okay, that was freaky," murmured Dash.
"I don't think you were in the other room when the Mayor was attacked," Twilight went on. "In fact, I think you were right next to her, in her office, with the picture frame!"
"Mister Green cannot disprove the suggestion," declared Pinkie Pie, but everypony else ignored her.
"What?! No, I-I swear it wasn't me!" cried Raven.
"Surely you don't honestly think she committed this atrocity?!" gasped Tall Order.
"She had the opportunity," said Rarity. "And I'm sure she didn't lack for a motive, considering how drunk the Mayor was last night. Yes, you lied about that too, I believe, Raven."
"Please, you have to believe me!" Raven wailed. "I was nowhere near the Mayor when it happened!"
"Oh, is that so?" spat Applejack. "Then just where in tarnation where ya?!"
"She was with me!" yelled Tall Order suddenly. "Raven was downstairs with me in the archive room."
"Well what in the hay were y'all doin' down there that she... oh."
Both Raven and Tall Order suddenly found themselves looking sheepishly at the floor.
"You two are...?"
"Going on four months," said Raven quietly.
"Why so secretive?" asked Rarity.
"The Mayor wouldn't approve," replied Tall Order.
"But more importantly," interjected Pinkie Pie. "You told us you were only in the other room for a minute, when you were really down there for seven!"
"Wait, seven?" asked Twilight, visibly confused.
"You know, like, Seven Minutes in Heaven."
"Oh, right. That was kind of a stretch, Pinkie."
"Meh, can't win 'em all," shrugged Pinkie Pie.
"How long were you down there, then?" asked Fluttershy.
"Um... about... half an hour," answered Raven sheepishly.
"Half an hour?!"
"I don't like to be around Mayor Mare when she starts drinking. But everything else I told you was the honest truth! I was going back upstairs when I heard the noise, and I checked it out straight away."
"Still, it does leave a pretty hefty gap for somepony to walk in, easy as they please," noted Applejack.
"Believe me, nopony is more sorry about that than I am," said Raven. "Though I guess if I wasn't down there, they might've attacked me first before going after the Mayor."
"Perhaps," said Twilight. "Or perhaps you could have prevented the whole thing. In any event, while we're here, you can help us out some more."
"H-how so?" asked Raven.
"By letting us into her office. I think it's time we found out what sort of pony our Mayor actually is..."
Raven opened her mouth as if to protest, but quickly backed down and beckoned for the detectives to follow her upstairs, leaving Tall Order to his duties. Mayor Mare's office was much the same as they had found it last night, aside from the fact that the varying articles of debris had been cleared off the floor and returned to their appointed places. While the six ponies searched for new clues, Spike took it upon himself to interview Raven further.
"So does the Mayor drink a lot?" he asked.
"Not often," replied Raven. "Only when she's under a lot of stress. I've actually joined her on a few occasions..."
Applejack chuckled to herself.
"But like I said, I usually find somewhere else to be."
"She a mean drunk?" asked Spike.
"Not so much 'mean' as... inconsiderate," said Raven cautiously. "A 'selfish' drunk would be a more fitting term."
Spike nodded as he scribbled the words "Selfish Drunk" in the margin of his notes. He soon noticed one other tidbit he had recorded that might yield new fruit.
"You mentioned the Mayor had a caller around 3:30?" he inquired.
"Doctor Whoof, yes," nodded Raven. "He came in to see the Mayor around 3:00."
"What for?"
"I'm not sure. I went downstairs for a coffee soon after he arrived. And then I ran into Tall, so we got to talking..."
A blush crept into Raven's face.
"Anyway, I passed the Doctor as he was leaving when I went back upstairs," she continued. "He actually looked rather gloomy now that I think of it."
"Funny," said Spike. "We actually ran into him earlier today. He wasn't in much of a good mood then either."
"Crashin' through his fence and roughin' up his girlfriend probably had somethin' to do with that," yelled Applejack from across the room.
Meanwhile, Flutterhsy was examining some of the framed photographs on the Mayor's desk. One in particular caught her eye; a colourful shot of three teenaged earth-ponies at a party. The two fillies she recognised easily as none other than the local schoolteacher Cheerilee (her braces glittering by the light of the flash) and Mayor Mare herself (prior to her mane-dying habit, of course). The third pony was a brown blue-eyed colt with outrageous frizzy blonde hair and his foreleg around the future Mayor's shoulder.
"Who's this in the picture?" asked Fluttershy, more out of curiosity than anything else.
Raven stepped over to look at the photograph.
"I don't know," she said finally. "I've never seen this photo before. Although..."
Raven thought for a moment, recalling some past conversation or another.
"Mayor Mare did mention to me about a high school sweetheart she once had. I forget his name, but they drifted apart after graduation. She came here to Ponyville, he went off to university. Physics or something, I think."
"Sounds like she's nostalgic for him," sighed Rarity. "We never forget our first loves."
"You ever even really been in love?" asked Applejack skeptically.
Rarity declined to answer, save with a blush.
The remainder of their search provided little else of note. They did succeed in uncovering the Mayor's liquor stash, as well as her record collection, but these offered little insight into the Mayor's personal life aside from reinforcing a burgeoning notion that she really had not taste whatsoever. When they finally took their leave of Raven and left the Town Hall, the clocks were just beginning to strike twelve.
"Okay," said Twilight over the bell tolls "Any idea on our next move?"
The bell tolls were suddenly accompanied by a deep rumbling in her stomach. A quick glance around showed her friends were of much the same condition.
Mystery Night in Ponyville A FiM fic by (Insert Pen Name) Part IV: New Leads
Rarity watched in morbid fascination as Twilight Sparkle stuffed yet another oatburger, dripping with grease and ketchup, into her eagerly waiting maw. Rarity's own plate of onion rings lay mostly untouched, so engrossed was she with the uncouth spectacle before her.
"She eats like a pig," she heard Rainbow Dash whisper off to her right.
"Nah. Pigs tend to chew," replied Applejack with clinical detachment. "I reckon she eats more like a duck."
"She does have the wings for it," giggled Pinkie Pie.
"You know, I can hear you," growled Twilight through a mouthful of hayfries.
Rarity quickly recovered herself with a shudder.
"Right," she said, mentally groping about for something else to occupy her mind. "Now that we're all, er, well fed, what should our next objective be?"
"I'm not sure," said Fluttershy meekly. "We seem to be all out of leads."
"All we know is that the Mayor was drunk last night, and she somehow made somepony mad enough to hit her over the head with her own painting," grumbled Rainbow Dash. "Anypony could've done it."
"There has to be some clue we can pick up on," said Twilight.
"Well, if this were a detective story, this would be the part where the hero gets an unexpected tip-off that puts him on the right track," suggested Spike.
There was an anxious pause, as if everypony was secretly hoping for an informant to conveniently materialise from thin air and prove Spike right, but there occurred nothing of the sort.
"I have to use the little fillies' room," Pinkie Pie declared suddenly. "Be right back."
And with a flourish of her little red hat, she was off.
* * *
For the sake of plot relevance, respect for privacy, and general good taste, the scope of Pinkie Pie's ablutions will not be narrated here. What happened afterwards, however, was very plot relevant. As Pinkie Pie leaned over the restroom sink, the two toilet stalls on either side of hers silently opened, and their occupants slowly crept up behind the unsuspecting detective. When Pinkie Pie looked back up, she found herself staring into the reflections of three mares, specifically herself and two near-identical periwinkle pegasi with matching fedoras.
"Hi Flitter! Hi Cloudchaser!" said Pinkie to the two reflections.
"Hello, Pinkie Pie," said Flitter gruffly. "Fancy meeting you in here."
"I know, right? What are the odds that we'd all be in the same bathroom together?"
"About one in six, I'd say," shrugged Cloudchaser. "We were hoping to nab Fluttershy, but you'll do."
"We've got a message for you and your friends," said Flitter.
"Oooh, is it a super special secret message?" asked Pinkie excitedly.
"Something like that," said Flitter with a dark grin.
"Word is you girls are trying to dig up dirt on the Mayor," said Cloudchaser as she and her twin began to close in. "And our boss, well, he's not too happy about that."
"Not happy at all," echoed Flitter with a sarcastic shake of her head.
"So here's the deal," continued Cloudchaser." You girls lay off the Mayor, and we'll all play nice, got it?"
Pinkie tapped her chin pensively for a moment before realisation dawned on her with an accompanying 'ding' sound.
"Oh, oh, ohhh, I get it. You two are threatening us!"
"What? No, no, we're not threatening you... are we?" asked Flitter.
"Actually, we totally are," replied Cloudchaser.
"Huh. I kinda feel all bad now."
"Deal with it," said Cloudchaser bluntly before turning back to Pinkie. "So yeah, the point is, stay away from the Mayor, or else. Got it, Pinks?"
Pinkie Pie broke into a broad grin.
"Oh I got it alright..."
* * *
Meanwhile, out in the restaurant, Rainbow Dash had just experienced a minor epiphany.
"Great, now I gotta go."
"Find out what's keepin' Pinkie Pie while ye'r at it," Applejack called after her as she made for the restroom. "Make sure she didn't fall in or nothin'."
Unamused, Rainbow ignored Applejack's comment, pushed open the restroom door, and stopped dead at the sight of what lay beyond.
"Hi Dashie!" chirped Pinkie Pie from atop the struggling form of a prostrate pegasus.
"Pinkie Pie?! What the blueberry fu-"
"You better be about to say 'fudge'," warned Pinkie.
From beneath Pinkie Pie's triumphant hooves, Flitter and Cloudchaser stared at Rainbow in terror. The two pegasus twins had been gagged with paper towels, and their limbs had been hogtied with something pink and sugary.
"Is that... bubblegum tape?" asked Rainbow in bewilderment.
"Yep!"
"Okay, I'm seriously afraid to ask, but why do you have Flitter and Cloudchaser tied up with bubblegum tape on the bathroom floor?"
"They was tryin' to jank me!"
"Huh?"
"They were trying to scare us away from the Mayor!" explained Pinkie Pie. "They told me 'stay away from the Mayor, or else'. Somepony doesn't want us on the case!"
"Seriously?!"
"Super-duper seriously!"
Rainbow cast a stern eye over the two would-be thugs. She wasn't sure which was more outlandish; that somepony would actually try and send hired goons after her and her friends (what with one of them being a princess and all), or that they would send Flitter and Cloudchaser of all ponies.
"I was about to start interrogating them," continued Pinkie. "Wanna help out?"
Rainbow considered this for a moment before breaking into a devilish grin.
"Count me in..."
* * *
"Honestly, whatever can be keeping those two?" Rarity wondered aloud as a stray onion ring landed upon the table next to her.
"Knowin' them two, I'd rather not think on it too hard," chuckled Applejack.
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Twilight.
"I'm just sayin', when R.D. and Pinkie Pie get together, that usually spells trouble."
"Obviously," sniffed Rarity. "Though to be fair, trouble seems to rear its proverbial head whenever any of us get together."
"Besides," Fluttershy giggled softly. "It's just the bathroom. What's the worst they could be doing?"
* * *
Flitter watched in abject horror as Pinkie Pie held her struggling sister over the lip of the porcelain throne. Rainbow dash stood nearby, leaning nonchalantly against the cistern as she contemplated her next move.
"So here's the deal," explained Rainbow. "We're gonna' ask you a question, and you're gonna' give us an answer."
"And no fibbing!" added Pinkie Pie.
"That's right. And Pinkie's real good at telling when somepony's lying."
"I am?"
"Sure, whatever. Point is, we don't like the answer you give us, and you get a nice wet welcome from Swirlyville!"
Rainbow's threat was easily illustrated by a simple press of the cistern lever. Cloudchaser's eyes widened in terror as she stared into that fearsome vortex, but somehow she remained resolute.
"You won't get anything out of me!" she cried.
"That's okay, you're not the pony we're talking to," said Dash airily before turning her attention to Flitter. "So, Flitter, ready for question-one?"
Flitter gulped.
"Don't tell her anything!" yelled Cloudchaser. "If we talk, we don't get paid!"
Cloudchaser suddenly choked on the realisation of what she had just uttered.
"Well, that's half an answer," said Rainbow with a dark chuckle. "You got anything to add, Flitter?"
Trembling, Flitter shook her head. Disappointed, Rainbow turned to Pinkie and nodded once. In response, Pinkie tilted her head questioningly and nodded back. In response to that, Rainbow sighed and nodded again, more forcefully this time. And in response to that, Pinkie nodded back in comprehension and promptly plunged Cloudchaser's head screaming into the toilet bowl. Grinning, Rainbow reached for the cistern lever...
"Wait!"
All eyes turned to Flitter.
"F-Filthy Rich," said Flitter glumly. "Filthy Rich sent us."
"Filthy Rich?" repeated Rainbow. "Like, the Filthy Rich? What the hay does he have to do with any of this?"
"I don't know," said Flitter straight away.
Rainbow stared apprehensively at her for a moment.
"You might want to take a breath, Cloud," she said finally.
* * *
"... and that's when Caramel grabbed the potato peeler," Spike concluded his bizarre story. "You should've seen the place afterwards!"
"That's disgusting," groaned Twilight as another onion ring landed on the table. "And who the crap keeps throwing onion rings at us?!"
Twilight spun around to face the table behind her, where sat three shady-looking mares in appropriately shady-looking hats and trench-coats. Pleased that they had captured their attention, the three mares waved as if beckoning them to come over.
"What in tarnation...?" murmured Applejack.
"You'd best see what they want, darling. They are dressed for your genre, after all," suggested Rarity, gesturing at Applejack's own noir ensemble.
Applejack sighed in annoyance, but nonetheless stood up and plodded over to where the three mares sat. Even without looking at them, she had a fairly good idea who they were.
"Howdy Daisy, Lily, Roseluck," Applejack said flatly.
"What cover? Y'all are sittin' in the middle of a burger joint flippin' onion rings at us!"
"We had to get your attention somehow," explained Lily.
"Ya coulda' just come up and said 'howdy'."
"Too many witnesses," said Roseluck.
"Uh-huh. Is there a reason I'm talkin' to y'all right now?"
"We heard you girls are working the Mayor case," said Daisy.
"Word is you haven't had much luck," added Lily. "Seriously, chasing Derpy Hooves around?"
"We had a lead with her," snapped Applejack. "Y'all got a better one?"
"As a matter of fact, we do," said Roseluck.
With a flourish, the meddling florist whipped an envelope out from under her coat and tossed it to Applejack. Opening it revealed a single sheet of folded paper, upon which was written a list of names that took up half the page.
"It seems our Mayor has a pretty active social life," explained Daisy.
"It gets lonely at the top," Lily added with a shrug.
"So what, these are all ponies she's dated?" asked Applejack in bewilderment.
"That's right," nodded Roseluck. "Each and every pony that was seen in her company over the last couple of months."
"Now, we're not jumping to any conclusions here," began Daisy.
"But I'd be willing to bet the farm that one of those ponies is your perp," finished Lily.
"Huh. And how'd y'all come by this information?" asked Applejack.
"We have our ways," said Roseluck.
Applejack rolled her eyes, but nonetheless tipped her hat to the three mares before returning to her friends at their table. As she sat down, she caught sight of two periwinkle pegasus mares fleeing the restroom, followed closely by none other than Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie themselves, both wearing the same mischievous grins that their friends had long come to expect as a result of their collaborations.
"What're you two so happy about?" asked Spike as they all sat back down.
"You're not going to believe this, but Pinkie and I just found a new lead in the case!" declared Rainbow.
"Well ain't that funny, I got one too!" laughed Applejack, laying Roseluck's list on the table. "Seems our Mayor was mighty keen on the datin' scene. Them flower girls are snoopy as all get out, but I reckon they're on to somethin' here."
"Oooh, is Filthy Rich on that list?" asked Pinkie Pie.
"Filthy Rich?" Applejack scanned the list quickly. "Er, no, he's not. Why him?"
"Apparently, he's not too comfortable about our little investigation," explained Rainbow. "He just sent Flitter and Cloudchaser to try and muscle us off the case."
"Wait, what?! When did this happen?" asked Twilight.
"In the bathroom," answered Pinkie brightly.
"Do we even want to know?" asked Rarity.
"We'll spare you the gritty details," chuckled Rainbow. "But yeah, there's totally something going on with the Mayor that he doesn't want us to find out."
"Wow," said Spike. "We were hoping for one good lead, and now we have two!"
"Goodness, which should we try and follow first?" asked Fluttershy.
Twilight thought for a good long moment before answering.
"It's hard to say which lead is more promising," she began slowly. "All our evidence points to a heat-of-the-moment attack, so a lovers' quarrel with one of the ponies on that list does sound pretty likely... But on the other hoof, Filthy Rich is definitely trying to hide something, and even if it isn't related, it probably isn't anything good either."
"Funny, he never struck me as a crook," muttered Applejack. "Greasy as fried hay, mind ya, but pretty harmless underneath."
"Some ponies are good at hiding who they really are," said Rarity. "Believe me, darling, I know that all too well."
"So what's it gonna' be, Twilight?" asked Spike.
After another moment's consideration, Twilight made her decision.
"We'll check both leads. Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and I will head back to Town Hall and see what we can dig up on Filthy Rich. Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy will take that list and start questioning every pony the Mayor dated. Spike, you'll go with them. Sound like a plan?"
Six voices cheered to the affirmative.
"It's settled, then. Come on Rainbow, Pinkie, let's move out!"
"Y'all have fun now," laughed Applejack as the three ponies galloped (and bounced) out into the snowy streets. "Anyhow, let's take a look at this here list."
"I suppose we're going to have to work through each pony one-by-one?" sighed Rarity.
"It's the only way to be sure," said Fluttershy. "We may as well get started. Who's first on the list, Spike?"
"Let's see here...," muttered Spike, struggling to read Roseluck's substandard hoofwriting. "First on the list is..."
* * *
"Bulkie?!" gasped Fluttershy.
"YYYEEEAAAHHH!!!" roared the impossibly muscled white pegasus as he slammed a truly massive set of weights back onto its frame. "Oh hey Fluttershy. What's up?"
"Oh, um, well you see-"
"Hold on, did you dye your hair?" asked Bulk Biceps.
"Er, well I-I-"
"Looks good. Normally I don't go for dyed manes, but I like yours," said Bulkie with a gentle smile.
Fluttershy said nothing to that, but her strawberry-blonde mane was soon matched by her cheeks. Rarity couldn't help but to giggle.
"Alright now, you two, we do have a case to solve. Mr. Biceps, might we trouble you to answer some questions for us?"
"Fire away," said Bulkie as he reached for his drink bottle. "Hey, you girls wanna' try some juice?"
"What kind?" asked Applejack.
"Not really sure, actually. Some funky tropical stuff that zebra-lady out in the Forest makes. Makes you feel freakin' alive y'know?"
Bulkie demonstrated by taking a long pull at his bottle.
"Yyyeeeaaahhh!!!"
"Oh my," quavered Fluttershy.
"Ya might wanna' be careful there, Bulkie," said Applejack. "I hear that stuff does funny things to yer wings."
"Hey, do I look like I got funny wings to you?" challenged Bulkie.
"I hadn't considered it," laughed Applejack.
"Let's not get off-topic, now," interjected Rarity. "Mr. Biceps, it has come to our attention that you may, at one point, have been romantically involved with Mayor Mare. Is this correct?"
Bulkie snorted disdainfully.
"Yeah, that's right. I wouldn't call it, 'romantic', though. Anyway, it was, like, over a month ago. I'd almost forgot about it until you brought it up."
Fluttershy seemed to brighten up at that comment, but Rarity pressed on as Spike scribbled frantically on his notepad.
"What happened, exactly? Did it end poorly?"
"Naw, Bulkie treats the ladies right, y'know? But yeah, she and I were at the bar one night, and we got to talking. She asks me if I'd like to see her there again some other night, and I said 'sure, why not?' So we met up again the night after, and we got wasted together, and then she starts comin' on to me. Like, really comin' on to me."
Fluttershy found this particularly distressing.
"Did you...?"
"Naw, I let her down easy," said Bulkie. "She wasn't my type. Bulkie only dates authentic ladies, dig? And Mayor Mare, she's about as real as a three-bit coin. So no, we weren't 'romantically involved', end of story."
"Oh. Good," said Fluttershy, suppressing a smirk.
"Anyway, I gotta get back to my reps," said Bulkie. "Later, girls, Fluttershy, little dragon-dude."
As Bulk Biceps returned to his loud exercises, our protagonists returned to their list.
"Scratch 'Bulk Biceps' off," muttered Spike as he did just that.
"I knew it wasn't him," said Fluttershy.
"Sure ya did," said Applejack with a roll of her eyes. "So who's next, Spike?"
"Next on the list is..."
* * *
"Savoir Faire!" called Rarity.
"Ah, Madame Rarity!" beamed a fancy-accented earth-stallion as he hurried over to the table. "How might I be of service to you and your friends? And might I compliment you all on your attire?"
"Ye should see our other friends," chuckled Applejack. "Anyhow, d'ya mind if we ask ya a few questions?"
"But of course! Some concern about the menu, non?" asked the waiter politely.
"It's more of a personal query, actually..." ventured Rarity.
"Word is you made it with the Mayor a few weeks back," said Applejack bluntly. "Mind spillin' the beans on what went down?"
A single errant hair in Savoir's oiled blue mane suddenly sprang loose.
"Tabarnac!" he swore, his impeccable accent suddenly replaced by something more gutteral. "Who told?"
"A little bird, what's it matter?" smirked Applejack.
"It was one of those flower girls wasn't it?" snarled Savoir in his new accent. "They're always snooping around here in the evenings..."
"Monsieur Faire!" gasped Rarity suddenly. "Whatever happened to your voice?!"
"Heh, that's what she said," deadpanned the waiter.
"Er, pardon me?"
"That's what she said. The Mayor. That's exactly what she said to me when I went to pick her up."
"Well, what did happen to your voice?" asked Fluttershy gently.
"Is it really that hard to figure out?" snorted Savoir. "This is my voice!"
A collective gasp answered this monumental revelation.
"You mean the fancy accent's just an act?!" asked Applejack.
"But of course!" replied Savoir in a bitter exaggeration of his usual accent. "You don't become maitre-d'hotel at the classiest eatery in Ponyville by sounding like some canoe-dragging barbarian out of the wild north! And apparently you don't pick up many mares either; as soon as Madame Mayor realised I wasn't her fancy cheval de reve, she called it off right then and there."
"She dumped you because of how your voice sounds?!" said Fluttershy in astonishment.
"That's just low," said Applejack. "Bet that ticked you off somethin' fierce..."
"Haah," Savoir spat. "If you're hoping to pin me for last night, don't bother; I was here until near midnight. The cook will back me up."
"Good to know," said Spike as he jotted down notes. "One more thing: what were you two planning on doing together before she dumped you?"
"We were going to a bar," answered Savoir. "Some place with a dance-floor. 'The Brass Briddle', I think it's called, I'm not sure. Now if you will excuse me..."
Without another word, Savoir Faire turned and left to attend to another, less accusative patron. Spike sighed and crossed his name off the list as well.
"Two down," he said. "Next on the list is..."
* * *
"Hey, hey! T'sup, Ponyville! This is D.J. Pon3, comin' to you loud and proud with two, scratch that, three hours of non-stop commercial-free music here on Ponyville 800 EKLW! Up first, we've got Cranky Doodle and the Froggy-Bottom Boys with 'Mule of Constant Sorrow'!"
The rapid chords of an acoustic guitar filled the studio as the neon-maned D.J. set aside her mic and headphones before turning to address her visitors.
"Sorry to keep you guys waiting," she said.
"Don't sweat it," replied Spike. "Thanks for agreeing to meet with us, D.J. Pon3."
"Please, I'm off duty; call me 'Vinyl'. And hey, anything for you girls," she added, grinning at Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy. "You fillies are, like, superheroes or something. Heck, I should be interviewing you instead of that stuck-up Mayor."
"Yes, well, that's actually what we wanted to discuss with you," explained Rarity. "We're investigating into last night's 'incident', you see..."
"Yeah, that was pretty nuts," Vinyl nodded. "I mean, she's totally playing it up for sympathy points, but then again, I'd be pretty freaked out of somepony just came in here and tapped me on the head, so go figure. You gonna catch the dude who did it?"
"We're workin' on it," said Applejack. "But first, we'd like to know about yer other recent encounter with the Mayor."
A raised eyebrow appeared above Vinyl's signature shades, but comprehension soon brought it back down again.
"Oh... that."
"We're not accusing you, Vinyl," coaxed Fluttershy. "We just want to know what happened, that's all."
"Yeah, yeah. I was working a gig about a month ago at this bar, 'The Brass Bit'. Decent place. Anyway, I went on break and out of nowhere I run into Mayor Mare, all dressed to kill..."
An amused grin crossed Vinyl's face.
"So we get to talking and she offers to buy me a drink. I say 'Buck yeah!', she buys me a fancy cocktail, and we're just shootin' the breeze together, real cool... but then she starts sliding up to me and stuff, and I'm like 'Whoa, easy there, girl', but she keeps coming on to me and it's getting real awkward real fast."
"Yer barn door don't wing that way, eh?" teased Applejack.
"My barn door swings every way," Vinyl teased back. "But yeah, I'm actually spoken for, so..."
"Ah, who's the lucky stallion?" asked Rarity, eager for gossip.
"She's up in Canterlot," said Vinyl. "You want to know more, take it up with Mr. Mind-Your-Own Business. Anyway, back on topic, I try to let her down easy, but she's pretty loaded up at this point and ponies are starting to stare. Lucky for me, it was time for my next set, so I was able to get out of there without making any more of a scene. By the time I was done again, she was already gone."
"That must've made things awkward this mornin'," noted Applejack.
"We've sort of got an understanding between us," said Vinyl sheepishly. "A far as either of us are concerned, it never happened."
* * *
The rest of their interviews availed them little more information than what Bulkie, Savoir, and Vinyl had provided. They met with over a dozen different ponies, most of them stallions (some of whom were even single), and though the details varied, the basic narrative remained depressingly consistent: the Mayor would accost them at the bar, or arrange a date thereof at an earlier meeting, and events would inevitably spiral downhill from there, ending with a general awkwardness for all those involved. In fact, by the time they reached the most recent name on the list, Applejack had already worked their responses out to a science.
"Big Mac!" she shouted as her surprised sibling exited the barn with a sack of oats slung over his back. "We got a bone to pick with ya!"
"Mmmm?" asked Big Macintosh.
"That's right..." she said, advancing upon her older brother before suddenly jumping right to business. "Y'were at the bar about a week back?"
"Eeyup."
"Brass Bit?"
"Eeyup."
"Mayor come up to ya?"
"Eeyup."
"Piss-drunk?"
"Eeyup."
"Tried to come on to ya?"
"Eeyup."
"Weren't havin' none of it?"
"Nope."
"Cheerilee?"
"Eeyup."
"Good to hear, thanks a lot, Big Bro."
Their interview concluded, the group retired to the nearby warmth of Applejack's living room.
"Well this was a big ol' waste o' time," she grumbled.
"Surely one of those ponies must have struck you as suspicious?" ventured Rarity.
"Only thing any o' them ponies struck me as was embarrassed," replied Applejack. "Nopony ever got violent over an awkward date, 'specially not two weeks after the fact."
"One of them could've been lying," suggested Spike, thoughtfully twirling his little mustache. "Problem is, we don't have any other witnesses."
"Actually, that's not true," piped up Fluttershy. "What was one thing each of those bad dates had in common?"
Applejack was in no mood to guess anything and merely gave Fluttershy an urging look.
"They were all at the same bar!" said Fluttershy. "The 'Brass Bit'. I'm sure somepony there must have seen the Mayor with one of her dates. Maybe they saw or heard something useful."
"Seems like a bit of a long-shot, Fluttershy," said Applejack, not unkindly.
"It's not like we have any other leads to follow," countered Rarity. "We might as well see it through."
As they ventured forth yet again into the snowy autumn afternoon, Spike suddenly stopped and frowned pensively to himself.
"Is something the matter, Spike?" asked Fluttershy.
"Nah, just thinking," he said. "I just really started wondering how Twilight and the rest are doing..."
Mystery Night in Ponyville A FiM fic by (Insert Pen Name) Part V: Confession
The Town Hall seemed still as a tomb as Tall Order made his way wordlessly up the steps to the second floor. Atop his back, he bore a large cardboard box filled with file folders and documents, some of which were dated as far back as twenty years, all linked to one very specific pony. As the town archivist, it was his duty, he felt, to ensure the information he kept was properly and thoroughly sorted, filed, indexed, cross-indexed, and above all accessible to whomever needed it and when. Thus, it was with some professional pride that he reflected how, when royally ordered to gather every scrap of information pertaining to the pony Filthy Rich and his dealings with the municipal government, he was able to have everything put together and in the box all in less than four minutes. A new personal record.
Tall Order soon found the source of his "royal order" sitting patiently in the waiting area at the top of the stairs, alongside two colourful companions who, while sitting, were doing so in the most impatient manner imaginable. Their peculiar dress, what with their clerical habits, tacky cream suits, and even tackier red hats, only added to the absurdity of the scene. Tall Order was used to dealing with all absurdities of all sorts in his work, however, and so generally ignored their provocations as he bade them follow him to a nearby door.
"Here you are, Princess," he said as he unlocked the door to the second-floor file room. "I've gathered all the relevant documents you requested from the archives downstairs. Everything from the past two years, however, you'll find in here."
"Thank-you, Tall Order," said the Princess Twilight Sparkle. "My friends and I should be able to go from here. We'll let you know if we need anything."
"I would be honoured to assist you further, Princess," Tall Order said, somewhat insistently.
"We'll be fine, thank-you," said Twilight, and she meant it as an order.
Tall Order took the hint and departed with a bow, leaving the three mares alone with the box in the file room, which was arguably the least uplifting room in the building. Two sides of the room were almost completely covered by a near-continuous bank of towering file cabinets, the third was piled high with spare (or possibly discarded) furniture, and the fourth was dominated by the Hall's characteristic tall windows.
"So what now?" asked Rainbow Dash impatiently.
"We start looking for any evidence that links Filthy Rich's activities to the Mayor," said Twilight. "Did Flitter or Cloudchaser give you any idea what we're looking for?"
"Nope. Filthy Rich didn't tell them anything. He's not quite that dumb, I guess."
"Why would he send those two of all ponies, anyway?" asked Twilight incredulously.
"I think they work for his company," suggested Pinkie Pie. "I saw them at an office party once."
"You do office parties?" laughed Rainbow.
"I do all the parties..." answered Pinkie Pie, her tone brimming with power barely suppressed.
"I'm sure you do," muttered Twilight as she scanned a row of file cabinets. "Now let's see, 'Rich', 'Rich', R-i... Ah, here we go."
Twilight pulled open a drawer marked "Ra-Rm", and recoiled abruptly at what emerged unexpectedly from within.
"Found it!" cheered Pinkie Pie, who proudly protruded from inside the drawer, clutching a thick, bulging file folder.
"P-Pinkie?! How did-"
"It was under 'F'!" sang Pinkie, gleefully gesturing at an open drawer further down the wall, appropriately marked "Fa-Fm". "For 'Filthy'!".
After waiting a moment for her heart-rate to subside, Twilight meekly took the folder from Pinkie's grasp and set it on the table behind her. The heavy brown folder was bound with a length of twine, tied so tight that even Twilight's magic couldn't untie it, and she was forced to cut it instead. Free from its bonds, the folder burst wide open, scattering all manner of papers, photographs, dossiers, newspaper clippings, and even a few leaf-rubbings across the table.
"Well, we've got our work cut out for us," sighed Twilight. "Let's get started, girls."
"Bet you wish you brought Spike with us, eh Twilight," grumbled Rainbow.
"I wish I had done a lot of things," Twilight replied. "Let's hope he and the others are finding something useful at least..."
* * *
The Brass Bit was one of those places that tourist brochures like to call "hidden gems", which is to say that it was a fairly large and popular place, easily located just off the Town Square with a colourful sign out front, but did have that certain "rustic charm" that big city ponies found so alluring despite having long since driven their own local examples to the brink of extinction. In other words, it was a pub. It looked like a pub, smelled like a pub, and, depending on what you put in your mouth, tasted just like a pub.
Given the hour of day, the pub was nearly empty save for the owner, who greeted them with an ambiguous grunt as he struggled to remove an ambiguous stain from the pub's pool table.
"Er, pardon me, sir," ventured Rarity, as Spike, Applejack, Fluttershy, and herself strode into the darkened room. "Might we trouble you with a few questions?"
"You wanna' know about the Mayor," the bartender said tersely.
"Lucky guess," Applejack smiled.
"She's in here pretty regular," said the bartender without looking up from his task. "And every time, it's with a different guy. And sometimes a girl, heh."
"Did they ever make any trouble?" asked Fluttershy.
The bartender shrugged.
"I don't pay much attention to the patrons," he said. "But no, she never got too loud or anything, though I did have to call her a cab a couple times when her date ran out on her."
"Sounds about right," muttered Applejack.
Spike, meanwhile, had taken to exploring the pub. His aimless search soon brought him upon a tall bulletin board covered almost entirely with handbills advertising upcoming pub events, as well as a number of colourful photographs commemorating said events in the past. One in particular caught his eye.
"Hey," he called over. "When was this picture taken?"
With a sigh, the bartender shuffled over and squinted hard at the indicated photograph. A certain mulberry-coloured earth-mare was dancing clumsily atop one of the bar stools while a small crowd cheered her on. The background was dimly lit, but a yellow banner emblazoned with an elongated green fruit was discernible on the far wall. And right below it sat two ponies. One was a brownish stallion with blue eyes and a necktie; the other a beige mare with an elegant grey mane...
"Oh that," the bartender said finally. "That's 'Fried Zucchini Tuesday'. See the banner in the background? Real popular with the working crowd. I think that was this week, actually."
"Did you see the Mayor there that night?" Spike pressed further.
"Can't say, that was my night off. We had a temp bartender in that night."
Rarity leaned in close for a better look.
"Do you mind terribly if we borrow this?" she asked, batting her eyelashes flirtatiously.
Applejack rolled her eyes in disgust, but the bartender only shrugged. Content that there were no more questions forthcoming, he left them to their investigation and returned to his tasks.
"Now then," mused Rarity, "today is Thursday, the Mayor was attacked last night on Wednesday, and this photograph was taken on Tuesday..."
"Sounds like a lovers' spat to me," nodded Applejack.
"Can you tell who the other pony is?" asked Fluttershy.
"It's hard to make out," said Rarity, squinting. "I don't suppose anypony brought a magnifying glass?"
An awkward silence followed.
"Seriously?" Applejack couldn't help but to laugh. "We're all dressed like super-sleuths and none of us brought a dang magnifyin' glass?"
"I couldn't find one fabulous enough," said Rarity defensively.
"At least I have a pad and pencil," murmured Spike.
"It doesn't matter, let's just find some better light," said Rarity, carrying the photograph over to a nearby window.
The pub windows were large, but typically shaded by heavy black slats, which squealed in protest at being moved. The sudden intrusion of light did little to improve the atmosphere inside, but it did give Rarity a very clear view of the Mayor's mystery date. The sleuthing seamstress frowned a moment at what she saw, then let out a gasp.
"My word..."
"What? Who is it?" asked Fluttershy.
"It's... Filthy Rich."
* * *
"Huh. This is interesting," murmured Twilight as she perused yet another limp newspaper clipping. "It says here that the Canterlot Golf and Country Club put out a petition two years ago in protest against Mayor Mare's administration. Something about 'broken election promises'."
"Wait a minute, that makes no sense," said Rainbow. "What would a Canterlot country club have to do with the Mayor in Ponyville?"
"Actually, the country club is right outside Ponyville," explained Pinkie. "It's not like there's any room for a big golf course up on that cliff, y'know? So they built it down here."
"And you know this how?" asked Rainbow.
"I did a party out there once. And now I'm not allowed within 100 metres of the place anymore."
"Fun times," smirked Twilight. "The reason I brought it up is that Filthy Rich was one of the ponies who signed the petition."
"So what?" muttered Rainbow. "That was years ago. And politicians break promises all the time."
"I know that," said Twilight. "I just thought it might have something to do with-"
For the first time since they had sat down, Twilight actually looked up from her reading just in time to see a tiny piece of folded paper fly across the table, landing dead centre between Rainbow's outstretched forelegs.
"Whoo-hoo! I win again!" cheered Pinkie.
"Friggin' paper hoofballs," grumbled Rainbow as she groped at the makeshift toy with her hoof. "Why do they have to be so small?"
Before a rematch could be called, Twilight magically reached out and seized the paper hoofball, unfolding it to reveal yet another document from the folder.
"Is this what you girls have been doing?!" Twilight scolded her friends. "This could have been evidence!"
"That's okay, I've got a whole pile of them!" said Pinkie, gesturing at a tall stack of similar papers beside her. "Besides, they're just tax stuff. Booorrriiinnnggg..."
Twilight hazarded a look of her own at the paper she was holding. Her brow furrowed first in concentration, then in confusion, before her eyes widened in realisation.
"Pinkie, are all those papers just like this one?!" she asked frantically.
"Yep. Each and every one. Like I said, boring."
"Why, what's got you so excited?" asked Rainbow with an amused grin.
"Because, this is a receipt for a donation made by Filthy Rich to fix the Town Hall roof!"
"You mean after Derpy trashed it? So what?"
"So, why would Filthy Rich be giving money to a government that he's supposed to be boycotting?"
"Maybe he's just a dutiful citizen?" suggested Pinkie as Twilight magically scooped up the rest of the receipts.
"I knew it!" she said breathlessly. "The hydro-dam, the train station, the suburban redevelopment fund... I've heard about having your hoof in every pie, but this is like the opposite: Filthy Rich has been adding filling to just about every pie in town!"
"Okay, that's big," conceded Rainbow. "And a bit scary, now that I think of it."
"Also, notice how I am avoiding the obvious pitfall of getting sidetracked by the pie analogy," said Pinkie in a serious tone, before letting out a tiny giggle. "Although I could go for a slice of summer harvest with whipped cream right about now..."
"Do you think the Mayor's blackmailing him or something?" suggested Twilight.
"I dunno, Twi," said Rainbow. "To be honest, this whole thing seems way too sloppy to be some big political conspiracy. The Mayor was hit with a picture frame. Filthy Rich sent two twin featherheads after us. Really, none of this adds up to me."
At that moment, the door to the file room burst wide open.
"Well the evidence is about to change!" declared Spike as he strode purposefully into the room, followed by the rest of their gang. "Did that work? You guys were talking about evidence right?"
"Twilight, we've just discovered irrefutable evidence that the Mayor is involved with Filthy Rich!" announced Rarity.
"Perfect! Us too! Let's not waste any time!"
Twilight quickly gathered all their relevant papers into a fresh folder and headed for the door.
"Come on, girls! If we play our cards right, we can have this wrapped up by suppertime! Checkmate."
"Again, hit-and-miss," sighed Pinkie Pie.
* * *
Locating Filthy Rich's office took the better part of the next hour. In Twilight's experience, office buildings were large, imposing things with plenty of windows and, as a rule, a bare minimum of thatched roofing. It was therefore much to her bemusement to find that Filthy Rich ran his vague and nebulous business out of much the same sort of building as just about every other business in Ponyville: small, reassuring, with just the normal amount of windows, and a roof of nothing but thatch.
The interior, on the other hand, belied its outside appearance. Twilight's initial impression was that the offices of Mayor Mare and Pony Express must have gotten drunk one night and had a baby in the aftermath. Furniture, artwork, and potted plants all conspired to create an atmosphere of tasteful yet trendy tedium that seemed to impose itself upon all who entered. So it was that the sleuthing seven found themselves sitting uneasily in an unwelcoming waiting room that had been painted in the dullest possible shade of blue known to science.
"So, um, what's the plan?" asked Fluttershy, the first of them to break the uncomfortable silence.
"The plan is this: we go in and make him spill the beans, end-of-story," said Rainbow.
"I don't reckon he'll give in that easy," warned Applejack. "Ya don't get that rich by lettin' ponies push ya around."
"We'll just have to confront him with our evidence," said Rarity. "He can't deny everything."
"Just leave that to me," said Spike smugly. "I've got all our notes and everything. Plus, I've always wanted to do an interrogation."
Presently, a very pretty young receptionist poked her head into the room to announce that Filthy Rich was ready to meet with them. The stallion himself was sitting patiently in his office, the decor of which very much rivaled Mayor Mare's in ostentation, though without the lofty overtones.
Filthy Rich greeted each of them in turn as they came in and took their seats before his massive polished mahogany desk. His smile was warm and welcoming enough, but his eyes filled with nervous apprehension at the sight of the bizarrely-attired party that had come seeking his audience. As they sat down, his eyes darted anxiously among them, from Rarity's deerstalker hat to Rainbow Dash's bandaged nose to Spike's peculiar little mustache. Eventually, their pleasantries concluded, Twilight cleared her throat.
"Thank-you for agreeing to meet with us on such short notice, Mr. Rich," said Twilight politely. "I'm sure you're very busy this time of year."
"I'm never too busy to meet with such esteemed ponies," Rich smiled. "Especially you, Applejack. How is your charming Granny doing?"
"Same as ever," said Applejack tersely.
"Mr. Rich, we'd like to ask you a few questions, if you please," Twilight continued.
For but an instant, Twilight was sure she spotted something akin to panic on the stallion's face, but it was soon covered up by that joyless smile.
"Fire away," he said.
Twilight turned and nodded at her number-one assistant. Grinning with anticipation, Spike pulled out his notepad and flipped to a page where, Twilight noted with some interest, he had expertly sketched a very detailed portrait of Filthy Rich.
"Okay, Mr. Rich," Spike began as he twirled his mustache. "Let's start by telling us what you're trying to hide from us about the Mayor!"
The bluntness of the question caught everypony off-guard, Filthy Rich included. He spluttered for a moment before quickly regaining his composure.
"You'll have to forgive me," he said with the greatest confidence he could muster. "But I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."
"Oh I think you do," said Spike with a smug grin. "Must've been something pretty big to send your goons in to try and scare us off?"
"Now that's preposterous," said Filthy Rich, somewhat less confident than before. "I'll have you know that I employ no 'goons' of any sort."
"That's not what Flitter and Cloudchaser told us," Spike pressed on. "They said you'd paid them to throw us off the Mayor's case! If you like, we can bring them back here so they can tell you all about it!"
"T-that's ridiculous! I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Apparently I was wrong," sighed Rarity. "Seems he can deny everything."
"And there's nothing you can do to prove otherwise," added Filthy Rich recklessly.
In that moment, Twilight got an idea. It was silly, ludicrous even, and for that reason she discarded it entirely and came up with something better instead.
"Mr. Rich," said Twilight courteously. "You do realise who I am, right?"
This seemed to take the wind straight out of the cornered stallion's sails.
"Why of course," he said meekly. "You're the Princess Twilight-"
"The Princess Twilight Sparkle!" declared Twilight suddenly. "The first of her name; crowned by the blessing of Sun and Moon; Princess of the Unicorns, and the Pegasi, and the Ponies of the Earth; Paragon of Magic, Champion of Harmony, Keeper of the Faith, and Defender of the Sovereign Nation of Equestria! And I command you to speak the truth!"
Filthy Rich recoiled in abject terror at the transformation that came over the typically demure lavender pony. To his eyes, it seemed as though the princess had grown mightily in size so that she towered over him; her face veiled beneath a shadow of righteous fury so that he despaired to meet her gaze; and her voice brimming with the power of the very breath of the world itself.
To her friends, it appeared that Twilight had stood up in her chair, pulled her cowl over her head, and started yelling at him.
Nonetheless, the desired effect was attained.
"Alright, I confess!" wailed the crestfallen magnate. "I sent Flitter and Cloudchaser!"
"Aha! So it was you who attacked Mayor Mare last night!" said Spike triumphantly.
"Wait, what?!" cried Filthy Rich. "No, I would never... Why would I try to attack the Mayor?!"
"Because she was extorting you!" declared Twilight, tossing the folder from Town Hall upon the desk.
"And she was your ex-lover!" added Rarity, throwing in the photograph from the pub. "You can't hide the- Now hold on, what?"
"Ex-lover?" asked Twilight, turning on Rarity with a look of utter bewilderment. "Where did that come from?"
"We found that photo at the pub the Mayor kept takin' her dates to," explained Applejack. "The guy said it was from the night before the attack, so we kinda' figured..."
"How did you come up with extortion, Twilight?" asked a visibly perplexed Fluttershy.
"Well, we found all these documents in the Town Hall that shows Filthy Rich has been funding half the town's public works," Twilight began.
"Maybe he's just being generous," suggested Fluttershy.
"That's what I said!" yelled Pinkie.
"Yeah, but we also found his signature on a petition to boycott the Mayor, so I figured that she was... um... you know, when I say it all out loud, it really sounds like I'm jumping to conclusions here."
"I'll say," scoffed Filthy Rich, having managed to regain some of his composure from his confused respite. "This is the worst interrogation I've ever been in. You weren't far off, though. Yes, it's true I signed that ridiculous petition at the country club, but only because those Canterlot snobs threatened to hike my club dues."
"You callin' other ponies 'snobs'," snorted Applejack. "Now that's an irony if ever there was one."
"Hey, I worked hard to get where I am," said Filthy Rich. "I'm not like those stuck-up, overentitled, old money twits. That petition? The whole thing was over some zoning law that they couldn't expand the golf course. So no, as much as I enjoy the club, I'm not going to place it over the needs of my home town, thank-you very much."
"But you've been paying for nearly everything," interjected Rainbow. "Why would you shell out so much dough like that?"
"Tax breaks, of course!" replied Filthy Rich as though it were the most obvious thing. "Between you and me, I'm looking at the next forty years of my life tax-free! Those mere millions I've sunk into this town are peanuts next to the money I'm going to save!"
"So why did you send Flitter and Cloudchaser after us?" asked Pinkie. "And why did you try to lie to us just now? Why the big secret?"
"Because I didn't want word about this getting out," answered Filthy Rich. "If the club knew I was funding the Mayor's public works, they'd kick me straight out! Besides, I only asked those two to try and guide you away from the Town Hall, not to play cops-and-robbers or whatever they thought they were doing."
"So wait, you're telling us that you knowingly interfered in a criminal investigation just so you wouldn't get kicked out of your country club?!" asked Twilight in disbelief.
"It's a rich pony thing," Filthy Rich shrugged.
"But what about the photo in the pub?" asked Rarity, holding up her piece of the evidence.
"Er, which pub is this, now?" asked Filthy Rich as he squinted at the dimly lit ponies in the background.
"The Brass Bit."
"The Brass Bit? I haven't been there in weeks," scoffed Filthy Rich. "Besides which, this isn't me in this picture. I mean, it's hard to tell for sure, but I can assure you that pony is not me. I don't even own a green tie."
"Really? I think it would compliment your eyes very nicely," said Rarity.
"You think so? In that case, I might have to stop by your boutique some time. Anyway, if you're finished with your baseless accusations, I'd like you all to leave! With all due respect, Your Highness," he added with a quick bow in Twilight's direction.
* * *
Nopony said anything after that until they were back out on the street. Spike, however, was no pony.
"Extortion, seriously?" laughed Spike. "I mean, I'd expect that kind of crazy imagination from Pinkie Pie, but you, Twilight?"
"Enough, Spike," said Twilight icily. "Besides, we wouldn't be in this mess if he hadn't gotten involved like that."
"Total. Waste. Of time," groaned Rainbow. "Though it was pretty cool how you went all Royal Canterlot Voice on him."
"Thanks. Luna's been giving me lessons. Just don't tell Princess Celestia," Twilight giggled. "But yeah, I don't really like having to play the Princess card like that."
"And what about all those marvelous titles you added?" asked Rarity. "'Defender of the Faith' and 'Keeper of the Realm' and whatnot?"
"Yeah, I made that all up," said Twilight. "It was pretty convincing, wasn't it? Better than my first idea."
"And what was that?"
"Oh, it was stupid."
"Okay, well now you have to tell us," smirked Rainbow.
"Okay, fine," Twilight sighed. "My first idea was to try and get him to confess to me like I was a real cleric."
A pensive, and somewhat puzzled, pause ensued.
"Oh, you mean... that sort of a confession," Rarity realised.
"Yeah, that does sound mighty stupid," added Applejack.
"I don't get it," said Rainbow, visibly confused.
"Y'know, a confession," Applejack tried to explain. "Like in a chapel?"
"Huh?"
"Didn't you ever go to Sunday school, Dashie?" joked Pinkie Pie.
"Uh, I went to summer school once when I failed Grade 10 math, does that count?" asked Rainbow.
"Not exactly," giggled Fluttershy.
Suddenly, the typically timid pegasus stopped dead in her tracks.
"Like a real cleric..." she murmured to herself, gears shifting silently into place within her veiled mind.
"Is something the matter, darling?" asked Rarity.
Fluttershy presently shook herself out of her thoughtful trance.
"Rarity, let me see that photo," she said quietly.
Rarity obliged, and for a long moment, nopony said anything as Fluttershy stared long and hard at the picture in the failing evening light. Then, as if by magic, a streetlight came to life above her head, illuminating both the photograph and her mind.
"Girls," she said shakily. "I think I know who our prime suspect is..."
Mystery Night in Ponyville A FiM fic by (Insert Pen Name) Part VI: Case Closed!
The waning moon was just starting to rise in the cloudless sky, casting its palour upon what remained of the snow from the previous night. While most ponies were snug and warm indoors, six ponies and one juvenile dragon huddled beneath the shadow of the town's clock tower.
"Okay, seriously, Fluttershy, we've been waiting out here for over half an hour," complained Rainbow Dash, whose cream-coloured suit jacket was better suited for the summer heat of Los Pegasus than the autumn frost of the Equestrian Heartland.
"Indeed," nodded Rarity, who was very near now to pulling down the flaps on her deerstalker hat, despite her better fashion judgement. "Surely you can give us some idea what you have planned here?"
"Nope," said the temporarily titian-maned Fluttershy, who had become unusually assertive in the past half-hour. "It's a surprise."
"Oooh! I love surprises!" chirped Pinkie Pie, her peculiar red hat balancing perfectly on her head despite her bouncing. "I mean, that goes without saying, because honestly who doesn't love surprises, especially me, but I really, really, really-"
"Can't we at least get inside someplace warm?" interjected Applejack, shivering inside the collar of her heavy grey trenchcoat. "It's gettin' cold as Old Homeland out here."
"And it most certainly isn't doing any favours for my mane!" added Rarity.
Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle and Spike stood off to the side, one of them quite comfortable in her heavy woolen clerical habit, and the other starting to entertain the notion that his false mustache had begun to freeze to his face.
"W-what do you think's up with Fluttershy?" asked Spike, shivering.
"I don't know..." replied Twilight, idly adjusting the wilting red rose on her scapular. "But I've never seen her this energetic about a mystery before, so she must be on to something."
Indeed, Fluttershy was becoming very agitated as she paced back and forth before the service door to the clock tower.
"Oh me, oh my," she stammered to herself. "I hope this all works out. I've never taken the lead in a mystery before. What if I choke up? Or what if I'm wrong entirely? Oh my, so many things that can go wr-"
At that moment, the clock struck 8:00, and the tower bells began pealing off into the empty night. Seconds later, the service door swung open, and out stepped a brown, blue-eyed earth-stallion with a very long technicoloured scarf wrapped about his neck. He was whistling a cheerful tune as he went, which quickly dwindled off as soon as he noticed he had visitors.
"Ah, fancy meeting you all here," said Doctor Whoof amicably. "I was actually hoping I'd run into you girls. I just wanted to apologise for how rude I was this morning and why are you all staring at me?"
"Um, we don't mean to bother you, Doctor," said Fluttershy sweetly. "But would it be alright if we could come inside and talk to you for a teensy little while?"
Whether Fluttershy was being genuinely or deliberately adorable (or both) was anypony's guess, but there was little that even the indomitable Doctor Whoof could do to resist it. Somewhat warily, he turned and gestured for them to follow him into the clock tower, whereupon Fluttershy flashed a cryptic smile at her bemused friends.
Not a large structure by any means, the interior of the clock tower was almost completely taken up by an old-fashioned wrought-iron stairway that wound its way up to the massive clockwork four stories above. Beneath the stairs on the ground floor, however, Whoof had cobbled together a personal "break-room" of sorts. Two milk crates draped with worn old towels served as chairs, while a wooden cable spool acted as a coffee table, upon which sat a stack of old Science! magazines and an electric kettle with two chipped mugs.
"I regret I am ill-equipped to entertain guests," said Whoof as he sat down upon one of the milk crates.
"That's okay, we won't be staying too long," Fluttershy assured him as she sat on the oppostie crate while her friends crowded all around. "We just wanted to show you something..."
As everypony else looked on, Fluttershy reached into a pocket and drew out the photograph from the pub that Rarity had given to her. Without a word, she passed it to the Doctor, who took one look at it before turning ashen-faced.
"Girls," said Fluttershy, grinning with triumph, "I give you our Mayor's mystery date."
Shame and embarrassment were etched upon the Doctor's features as comprehension now dawned on the rest of the group.
"Of course, it all fits," murmured Rarity.
"So you were the one dating the Mayor on Tuesday!" said Pinkie Pie. "But then that means... *gasp!* You're cheating on Derpy!"
"N-no, that's not true," said Whoof weakly.
"And you tried to take out the Mayor to keep her from findin' out!" added Applejack.
"What?! No, I had nothing to do with that! I was in here last evening!"
"Can anypony else confirm your alibi?" asked Twilight with an accusative glare.
"N-no, but... Please, I admit I saw her on Tuesday, and it was a mistake, but it had nothing to do with that, I swear!"
"Gonna' have to do better than that, friend," said Applejack wryly. "Ya got motive, opportunity, no alibi, and ya were the last pony to see the Mayor before the attack."
"Please, just listen, I can explain," pleaded Whoof, practically prostrating himself before them.
The six mares exchanged glances for a moment before coming to an unspoken agreement.
"Start talking," said Rainbow.
"Thank-you," Whoof said with relief. "Okay, I suppose I should start by saying that Mayor Mare and I go back a fair bit. We used to date in high school, you see."
"Ah yes, that old photograph on the Mayor's desk," noted Rarity. "I must say, you two made a cute couple back then."
"Yes, well, we actually broke it off just before graduation. She had an internship lined up here in Ponyville, and I was going to the University of Canterlot to pursue my doctorate in chronology, for all the good it's done me. By the time I moved back here, it was like we were strangers again."
"Are you going somewhere with this?" asked Rainbow.
"In a bit. Anyway, I was fixing the clock in her office Tuesday evening and we got to talking. She suggested we go out for drinks after for old times' sake, and I accepted. To make a long story short, we got absolutely trashed. Being the gentlecolt that I am, I felt it was only appropriate that I walk her home. Next thing I know, we're snogging inside on her sofa."
An uncomfortable silence followed before Pinkie Pie hazarded a question.
"Did you guys...?"
"No, thankfully. I think we both passed out before it went anywhere. When I woke up and realised what had happened, I panicked and ran off before she woke up. You have to understand, I was very, very drunk. I love Derpy. I would never knowingly cheat on her."
"So what were ya doin' at the Mayor's office yesterday afternoon?" asked Applejack.
"I was getting to that. After my hangover had lessened up a bit, I felt disgusted with myself. I didn't want to face Derpy after what I'd nearly done, so I needed to clear my conscience."
"So you went to see Mister Waddle," Twilight concluded. "That's why he was checking in on you at your house yesterday."
"Yes. I confessed everything to him and he gave me a penance. One of the conditions was that I confront Mayor Mare and make it clear that this would never happen again."
"Given that she had that old photo out, I assume she didn't take that very well," said Rarity.
"To put it succinctly, no. I'll spare you the details, but in the end I was able to make it clear that we were better off just as friends. Which seemed to peeve her off even more, actually. But that was the last I saw of her that day, I swear. I was a surprised as anypony when I heard the news she'd been attacked."
Fluttershy stared (normally) at the Doctor for a long time. Whoof stared right back, unflinching, his blue eyes betraying no lie.
"I believe you," she said finally.
Rainbow Dash seemed ready to protest, but Pinkie Pie discreetly restrained her. It was clear that Whoof was off the hook.
"Hey, what were the other parts?" asked Spike suddenly.
"Other parts?" asked Whoof.
"Yeah, the other part of that 'penance' thing Mister Waddle made you do. You said one of the things you had to do was break up with the Mayor again. What else did you have to do?"
"Oh. Well, it's rather personal, but I also had to confess to Derpy what had happened. No secrets between us, right?"
Everypony else just stared, having all come to the same alarming conclusion.
"Derpy knows about you and the Mayor?" asked Twilight quietly.
"That's what I just said, yes," nodded Whoof, seemingly oblivious. "Why, what's the big-"
The Doctor's eyes widened in horror.
"No. You can't think... You told me today she wasn't a suspect anymore!"
"That was before we had a motive on her!" snapped Applejack.
"So what? A motive doesn't prove anything!"
"It's enough to get her bumped back up to 'prime suspect'!" Applejack retorted.
"Where is she?!" Rainbow demanded. "And don't even think about lying to us!"
"She... She said she was going out to the pub with some friends tonight," said Whoof glumly.
"Which pub?"
"I don't know. Please, don't do anything rash, I'm sure she's innocent."
"We'll know soon enough," said Rarity. "Come now girls, I think I know which pub we're looking for..."
In an instant, the six mares were back out on the street and tearing through the night towards the Town Square. With Rarity in the lead, Twilight took the moment to slip towards the back of the group to where Fluttershy galloped steadily along.
"That was some good detective work back there," Twilight beamed, while Spike held on for dear life atop her back. "How did you guess that Doctor Whoof was involved?"
"Oh, well, to be honest, it was really just a hunch," said Fluttershy sheepishly.
"A hunch?"
"Kind of. I was reading Spike's notes during lunch earlier, you see, and while we were talking outside Filthy Rich's office, I remembered how Mister Waddle was at Doctor Whoof's place when Rainbow Dash caught Derpy."
"And that's what tipped you off?" asked Spike, visibly confused at their friend's line of reasoning.
"No. But once I started thinking about Doctor Whoof, everything else just kind of fit. Like I said, it was just a hunch."
"Huh. I was really hoping for something less contrived, but I guess you can't argue with results," said Twilight, frowning. "Also, how did you know he'd be at the clock tower tonight?"
"Oh, he's there every night before he goes home," explained Fluttershy. "I went to see him there last month when his puppy wasn't feeling well."
"Doc has a dog?" asked Spike.
"Affirmative," Fluttershy grinned.
* * *
Moments later, the group had arrived in front of the "hidden gem" of a pub known as the Brass Bit.
"How much ya wanna' bet she ain't in there?" Applejack teased Rarity.
"If she is, you have to let me style your hair for a week," Rarity teased back.
"Let's just get this over with," said Rainbow, pushing past them for the door.
The interior of the pub at this hour offered a sharp contrast with their earlier visit. Where before it was dim and dull and empty, now it was alive with light, noise, and a great many happy ponies in various states of inebriation and consciousness. For the first time that evening, the costumed seven went completely unnoticed as they made for the bar, with most of the pub-goers either passed out or otherwise occupied with the radio coverage of a very lively late-season hoofball game.
The bartender, however, recognised them straight away, and after sliding yet another frothing pint to the end of the bar, hurried over to greet our protagonists.
"What can I do for ya?" he asked gruffly.
"Derpy Hooves," said Twilight. "Is she here?"
The barkeep only nodded then jerked his head toward the far corner of the pub. Sitting there at a small corner table were three mares: one a carrot-flanked earth-pony, another a sea-foam-haired pegasus, and the third a very familiar courier with straw-coloured hair, and a pair of eyes that defied the mores of society.
Without a word, the detectives maneuvered through the pub toward their prey, who did not take long to notice that they would soon have visitors. Derpy's friends glared at them suspiciously as they approached, but Derpy herself merely averted her gaze and focused glumly on her half-empty mug of mead.
"What do you want?" demanded Carrot Top, scooting her chair around as though to block their way. "You better not be here to bother Derpy again!"
"Yeah, she's dealt with enough crap lately without you girls dumping on more!" added Raindrops.
"We just want to talk to her," said Twilight in as best a diplomatic tone as she could muster. "Is that alright, Derpy?"
Derpy stirred a bit at having been addressed directly. With a sigh, she took a quick pull at her drink, then looked up to regard the detectives with morose yellow eyes.
"Derpy," said Twilight gently. "We know about Whoof and the Mayor."
"Friggin' floozy!" spat Raindrops. "She's lost my vote."
"And how is that any of your business, anyway?" asked Carrot Top.
"Back off, Carrot," said Derpy suddenly before turning to address Twilight and Co. "So I guess you girls are here to arrest me again, huh?"
"That depends..." said Twilight. "Derpy Hooves, did you attack the Mayor last night?"
Carrot Top and Raindrops glowered at Twilight's query, but Derpy merely let out a sullen sigh.
"I know what you girls are probably thinking," she said at last. "But, it wasn't like that. Honest. When he told me what happened that night... I was mad, sure, really mad. Like, 'make him sleep on his own couch' mad..."
"You go, girl!" chirped Pinkie.
"But not at the Mayor. Not really. I'm not the sort of filly to hold a grudge."
"So what changed?" asked Twilight.
"I... I got that package at work to deliver to Town Hall," Derpy grimaced. "I didn't want to have to talk to her so soon, but I had a job to do, so I went, and there was nopony outside, so I knocked on her door and... and..."
"And let me guess: she was drunk like a fish at happy hour?" offered Applejack.
"Yeah," Derpy couldn't help but to laugh a little, but her smile soon faded. "She was really not looking too good. If I was smart, I would've just left her with the package and walked away, but... I tried to talk to her, let her know that Whoofsie was with me now, and that I loved him, but then she... she told me that I was no good for him."
"She didn't," gasped Rarity, scandalised.
"She did," said Derpy, fighting back a sob. "She told me that I was 'holding him back', that he deserved better than some... then some... she called me a... a..."
"Retard?" suggested Rainbow in a brief yet utterly complete lapse of tact.
"Ditzy blonde!" Derpy wailed before breaking down into sobs.
Everypony else just stared, Derpy's companions included.
"Wait, that's it?" asked Rainbow. "You clubbed her over the back of the head just because she called you-"
"Nopony calls me a ditz!" Derpy snarled suddenly, slamming a scornful hoof upon the table. "You got that? Nopony! Not you, or the Mayor, or that jackass in the checkered suit who had me buried alive out in the San Palomino two years back!"
"Wait, what?!" asked a much bewildered Carrot Top. "When the crap did that happen?!"
"So yeah, I gave her what-for!" snapped Derpy, ignoring her friend. "When she turned her back on me all attitude-like, I ripped her stupid picture down and gave her what she deserved! And then I... and then she... oh gosh, I felt so awful!"
And then Derpy was sobbing again. Carrot Top moved to comfort her, while Twilight exchanged a look with Raindrops, who shrugged at her in a 'Who doesn't have stress-induced mood swings from time to time? Nopony, that's who,' sort of way. Finally, Twilight took the initiative once more.
"Derpy Hooves," she said with far less satisfaction than she had anticipated this moment would have. "I'm placing you under arrest for the aggravated assault of Mayor Mare."
"Like heck you are!" said Carrot Top suddenly. "If you think we're going to let you take our friend in to get her wings clipped, you've got another think coming, buster!"
"Girls, please, I don't want any more trouble," pleaded Derpy.
"Mare up, Derpy!" barked Raindrops. "I'm sick of watching ponies push you around!"
"And just what are you going to do to stop us?" jeered Rainbow Dash, never one to back down from a confrontation. "There's six of us-"
"Seven," said Spike.
"You don't count, Spike," said Rainbow bluntly. "Where was I? Oh yeah, there's six of us, and two of you! And one of us is a Princess!"
"I didn't vote for her," scoffed Raindrops.
"Point is, whatcha' gonna' do 'bout it?" challenged Pinkie Pie.
"This," said Carrot Top.
Before anypony could react, Carrot vaulted nimbly onto the table, seized her chair from the floor, reared up on her hind legs, and let out a piercing whistle that captured the attention of the entire pub.
"Hey, everypony!" she announced, holding her chair aloft. "Barfight!"
And then she hurled her chair harmlessly against the wall.
In an instant, the pub exploded merrily into an enthusiastic fury of friendly, good-natured, drunken violence. Haymakers were hurled, punches were parried, knees were kicked, and in the midst of it all a fiddle and bagpipes were produced to fill the pub with a spirited little fighting ditty.
In the confusion, Derpy was able to slip away while Carrot Top and Raindrops waded gleefully into the melee. Out of instinct more than anything, Twilight and the gang pulled together into a defensive knot, even though it was abundantly clear that none of the surrounding belligerents were of any real threat.
"We can't lose her!" Twilight shouted above the din of barroom battle. "Pinkie Pie, try and get everypony to stop fighting! Rarity, Fluttershy, watch the exits! The rest of us will spread out and find Derpy! Let's go!"
Without hesitation, Team Harmony sprang into action. Rarity made for the front door, while Fluttershy slunk over toward the emergency exit. For her part, Pinkie Pie leapt atop the pool table, where two stallions were already sparring with the pool cues, and tried to emulate Carrot Top's loud whistle.
"Hey, everypony!" she shouted once she was certain she had at least some of the crowd's attention. "You know what's waaayyy better than fighting? Karaoke sing-along!"
Pinkie Pie's suggestion was rewarded with several thrown beer bottles and a general increase in the intensity of the fighting. Overall, she found it moderately discouraging.
Meanwhile, Applejack had her nose to the ground in true gumshoe fashion, and was thus perfectly positioned to spot their quarry slinking beneath tables a short distance away. If it were any other pony, Applejack might have been able to take them by surprise, but as it was, Derpy quickly spotted her pursuer out of the corner of her eye and took off for the door. Determined not to have Rarity take all the glory, Applejack leapt onto the bar, pulled a bullwhip out from under her coat and lashed it at Derpy's hindlegs. The whip curled neatly around the fleeing pony's ankle, sending her sprawling on the floor.
"I got her, Twi!" Applejack shouted.
"Good job!" replied Twilight. "Now to stop this fight!"
Unfortunately, Pinkie Pie seemed to have given up on her task, and was now engaged in a pool cue duel of her own with Berry Punch while onlookers cheered them on. Annoyed, Twilight instead resorted to her usual fallback: magic!
"Brace yourselves girls!" she said through gritted teeth as her horn began to glow. "Mass-Pacify Spell incoming!"
There was a great flash followed by a great noise, then a great darkness followed by a great silence, all compressed into the space of a split-second. The next thing anypony knew, the pub was quiet, and a great many ponies found themselves either passed out or blinking in confusion where they sat. With the conflict resolved, the mystery crew converged upon Applejack and the now hogtied Derpy Hooves.
"Well done, Applejack," said Rarity. "But why on earth were you carrying a whip in your coat?"
"Came with the hat," Applejack gestured at her fedora. "Figured it might come in handy later."
"What matters is we got our mare," said Twilight. "Now we can finally get this case wrapped up!"
No sooner had she said that when the front door of the pub burst wide open, and in walked none other than Mayor Mare herself.
"Stop! Not so fast!" she exclaimed.
"Mayor Mare? What are you doing here?" asked Twilight.
"I asked her to come!" declared Doctor Whoof as he strode in behind the Mayor.
"Princess Twilight Sparkle," began the Mayor in her officious tone. "I must ask that you release that mare at once!"
"What?!" cried Rainbow Dash. "But she's the one that attacked you! She told us so herself!"
"It's true," said Derpy meekly.
"And we know why she did it too, so there's no point in lying to us anymore," added Rarity.
"Nonetheless, I am afraid that you must release her," said the Mayor. "This investigation is officially null and void!"
"What?! You can't just do that!" Twilight protested.
"As a matter of fact, I can," said the Mayor smugly. "You see, Princess, you and your friends were never formally deputised. Thus, this investigation was never legal."
"But... Raven told us to-"
"Did any of you ever sign anything? Did she give you badges or anything like that?"
Each of the would-be detectives glanced sheepishly at their empty lapels.
"But still... I'm a Princess," said Twilight. "Surely that counts for something?"
"A Princess of Friendship," the Mayor clarified. "Last I checked, cultural figureheads do not hold judicial power. Read the constitution! And before anypony else brings it up, presiding over a swap-meet does not count."
"She's got you there, Twilight," said Pinkie Pie.
"So what, Derpy's just free to go?" asked Twilight in disbelief.
"Do you really want to arrest her?" asked Doctor Whoof.
Twilight said nothing, but she knew the answer deep down.
Sensing defeat (if it could be truly called that), Applejack bent down and untied Derpy's bonds, allowing her to sprint into her boyfriend's waiting embrace.
"Derpy Hooves," the Mayor announced. "I would like to apologise to you for the things I said and the things I did..."
"Or the things you wished you did," muttered Rainbow, earning her a giggle and a hoofbump from Pinkie.
"... and I apologise to all of you as well," the Mayor added, addressing the crowd. "I am truly sorry, and I can only hope you will find it in your hearts to forgive me in the upcoming Spring election," she concluded with the sort of solemnity one can only attain through years of practise in a mirror.
Not that it didn't work, mind you.
"Three cheers for Mayor Mare!" yelled Raindrops.
Nopony was in any fit state to count at that moment, however, so they all settled for one long cheer as they hoisted the triumphant Mayor upon their shoulders and paraded her out into the night, leaving seven confused cosplayers in their wake.
* * *
The Brass Bit closed early that night. It had begun to snow again, the product of stray clouds from above the Everfree Forest. Rainbow Dash grumbled some about having to work overtime, but Fluttershy placated her with the observation that the snowflakes were pretty, and nopony would mind a little extra snow in the morning. Less optimistic was Twilight Sparkle, who sat dejectedly in the snow with her cowl pulled over her head.
"Hey Twilight, why the big frowny face?" asked Pinkie Pie.
"Yeah, what's up with you?" added Rainbow. "We totally solved the big mystery; you should be stoked."
"What 'big mystery'?" asked Twilight. "The Mayor got drunk and called Derpy Hooves a bad name, so she hit her over the head with a picture frame. Not much of a 'big mystery'."
"But we did solve it," said Fluttershy encouragingly.
"Yes, we did. We wasted our entire day chasing our own tails in silly costumes, only for the culprit to get completely off the hook while the Mayor publicly embarrassed us in front of half the town. And the Crowns now owe about a thousand bits worth of property damage, that'll make a fun letter to the Princesses."
"Speaking of silly costumes, I suppose I can finally take this off," said Rarity, doffing her rumpled deerstalker. "I don't suppose we're going to finish that whodunnit puzzle after all?"
"Nah, I reckon I'm just about done with mysteries," said Applejack with a yawn. "Y'all got any ideas for next Wednesday night?"
"How about Oubliettes and Ogres?" suggested Spike.
"Oooh! I'm down with that," said Pinkie Pie. "I wanna' be a Jester!"
"And I'll be a Beastmistress," added Fluttershy.
"O&O it is," said Twilight with a shrug. "I'll ask Shining Armour to lend us one of his gamebooks..."
Twilight turned to head for home, before adding over her shoulder:
