Equestria is full of life. But it's also full of death. All put into one glorious collection for all to see.
Death is everywhere. Most of us try to avoid it, most of us can't get out of its way. Everyday we fight a new way against dragons, deadly potions, household accidents, sickness, and buffalo stampedes. There's a lot of ways to wind up dead in Equestria. The fact that we ponies survive at all is a miracle! Because everyday we live we face 1000 ways to die.
“Ugh… Cursed razor… Always so blunt! Haven’t I told the servants a million times that these old surplus razors are bad for the skin?” The old disgruntled unicorn looking straight into the mirror eyed his magnificent beard. Starswirl’s beard was the pride and envy of all great magicians. And that was exactly why the princess was requiring him to shave it at this very moment.
Starswirl gave an aggravated grunt and he banged the old razor against the sink, eyeing his shaving cream covered face once more. It would take hours to clean away all of the extra hair from his face. Even then, it would require careful precision to make sure that he didn’t snip any extra off of his coat, or Celestia forbid, make the shave uneven. He sighed and grasped the razor firmly in his magic again, setting to work once more. He’d have to make do with what he had.
“Well, at least it’s just hair… Next thing you know they’ll be asking me to get rid of my robe and wizard’s hat just because it doesn’t fit with the dress code…” He dipped his razor in the water filled sink, removing any excess hair and cream before he roughly began to shave his neck again. “Just gotta be careful… No sudden mov— YEOUCH!”
Starswirl cried out in pain as a sharp knock on the door caused him to cut himself with the razor, tearing off a small chunk of coat, beard, and skin haphazardly. He grimaced as he saw a small drop of blood trickling it’s way down his neck.
“Heavens, that was lucky… Who is it? What is it do you want? Can you not hear me using the restroom in here?” Starswirl grumbled at the mirror. Most powerful unicorn ever to exist and he still couldn’t get any alone time in the bathroom for himself. A few moments of non-response told him that the knocker had realized the bathroom was occupied and had left, resulting in more grumbling.
“Alright, Starswirl… Just gotta be careful…” Starswirl close his eyes before looking up at the mirror and placing the razor once again at his neck. He began to gently stroke and shave himself before something odd caught his eye, climbing out of the ornate bathtub behind him and to his left.
“Sweet Celestia, what is that thing?” Starswirl watched in horror as a clone of himself rose from the bathtub, gurgling and bubbling blood out of it’s mouth as it came towards him. He held the razor out in front of himself, swinging it to try and would off his would be attacker. Still though, he couldn’t help but notice that the hell beast seemed to be desperately trying to communicate with him. He could almost read the words off of his lips…
...Don’t… Back up… Behind you…
Starswirl dropped razor in a panic as he made a move to step backward. Unfortunately for him, it wasn’t his lucky day. Though his wits were sharp, the bathroom rug was just one step ahead. Or behind in this case. Starswirl’s hoof caught on the rug, and his clone could only watch in horror before it gurgled its last breaths and crumpled to the ground.
Starswirl felt his hooves go out from under him, as his head made sharp contact with the porcelain sink. Groggy and confused, Starswirl got up and tried to walk, stumbling over to the tub, blood beginning to trickle from his mouth. His horn lit up as he realized that he had once last chance to save himself. He’d have to go back. Just a few moments to before this all started.
In a flash, he was gone with just one phrase floating through his head: Don’t back up. Danger behind you.
Luna relaxed as she watched the steam rising from the royal hot tub in her bathroom. She always enjoyed being able to come here after a long day of bickering with idiotic and corrupt nobles and just sigh all over her troubles away. Luckily for her, the hot tub was already running and filled to the brim with extremely warm water. She stuck a hoof in and sighed happily as she felt it heating up, the muscles already starting to relax after a long day of standing and looking pretty.
Luna huffed, taking her royal dressings in her magic and unceremoniously tossing them aside. If she wasn’t so stressed and eager to relax, she might have seen the sign in the corner pointing out that some of the jets were malfunctioning. Unfortunately for the immortal soon-to-be-unimmortal moon goddess, fate just wasn’t on her side today. With a happy sigh, she sank into the water of the hot tub, spreading her wings out wide to both sides.
“Oh… That feels so wonderful… Oh glorious hot tub, how I have longed all day for your embrace…”
A small chuckle of relief left her lips as she layed on her back in the water, knowing that nobody would probably be coming to join her today, and that even if they did, she could just usher them out by royal decree. What she didn’t notice in her brief moment of respite, was that her splayed wings were coming dangerously close to the only two malfunctioning jets in the hot tub. What was malfunction about them you ask?
The jets were sucking water in rather than spewing warm water out into the tub.
With her eyes closed, Luna felt something strange going on with her wings. It seemed as if the very tips were being tickled. And then further along the tips… Her eyes shot open in panic as she felt herself being drawn just under the surface of the hot tub, her wings getting sucked even further in.
Now, being the all powerful alicorn princess that she was, Luna could have easily figured a way out of the situation with a calm mind. Unfortunately for her, this was the exact moment she’d chosen to panic. Her blue legs thrashed wildly about as she was sucked under, her face just under the surface of the water, but her body unable to rise any further due to the suction on her wings.
She began to cry silently as she shouted for help that would never come, bubbles bursting to the surface as she began to draw water into her lungs. But nobody would come. Because everybody knew that the hot tub was closed due to having a malfunction. A few moments later, all that was left of the once proud princess of the night was her lifeless body floating to the surface, her slightly relaxed wings allowing just enough buoyancy for her non-breathing muzzle to stick itself above the water.
Just like that, Equestria had lost one of its rulers. And nobody even knew for two days.
Pinkie Pie hummed happily to herself as she skipped along the path to the park where she was supposed to meet up with Rainbow Dash in just a few moments. She stopped and stared at the warm summer air, shimmering with heat and causing her to already sweat lightly. This only caused the peppy pink party pony to giggle. She loved summer. It was too bad that this would be the last one that she would ever get to experience.
Her giggling and prancing came to a stop as soon as she reached the park. She brought a hoof up to her forehead, making a dramatic lookout pose as she scanned the horizon, looking for any sign of Rainbow Dash among the crowd. All around her, fillies and colts were playing, though one pair in particular caught her attention. They were tossing a bright yellow frisbee back and forth between each other. Only, one of them had missed. And the frisbee was headed straight towards her.
“Oooh! I got it! I got it!” Pinkie jumped up, ready to catch the frisbee in her mouth, only to miss by just a few inches. “Aw darn it! Don’t worry, I’ll get it!” Pinkie waved down to her new friends, chasing after the frisbee, completely oblivious to the environment around her.
She continued to chase the yellow frisbee up the hill before she noticed something wrong; it was headed straight for a tree, and she wouldn’t be able to stop in time. Raising her forelegs as a defensive shield, she tried to block as much of the damage as she could as she crashed face first into the tree. She sat there for a few moments, head spinning before she looked up.
What she saw immediately caused her to giggle nervously. A large beehive rested just above her head. “Uh… Heh… Nice bees… That was an accident! Please don’t be angry…” Pinkie whimpered, still unable to get up from the head on collision she’d just suffered. It was obvious that she’d jostled the beehive, and there was only one thing in the world she couldn’t stand. Bees. For, unfortunately for the young mare, she was quite allergic to them.
She watched with fearful attentiveness for what felt like eternity, only to see a rainbow form sleeping in the tree idly kick out in its sleep, knocking the beehive loose and directly onto Pinkie’s head.
She only had seconds to scream in terror as a flood of angry bees surged forth. And she was their only target in sight. Her screams of absolute terror lasted less than a millisecond as bees stung her all over, some even finding their way into her mouth. Within second, she was dead, her entire body having swollen up like a balloon, and her throat having closed up, her eyes open in panic as she died trying to get one last gulp of air.
Ponies all around screamed at the sight before them. Meanwhile, high up in the tree, a rainbow pegasus sat, completely oblivious to what she’d just done.
That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles [Guest Chapter By Sharky White]
“Honey, is the next batch of bricks done?” Carrot Cake shouted in the general direction of the bakery as he applied a very conservative layer of icing to act as the mortar on his project.
“Just a few more minutes, dear!” Cup Cake replied from the depths of their house.
Carrot grunted and stepped a few paces back to admire his hoofwork. The life-sized gingerbread house was coming along well, despite his frugal use of the icing to hold it together. He knew he could save a few bits by making what they had work rather than spending money on materials they didn’t need.
“It’s looking pretty good, dad!”
Carrot turned to look at his 8 year-old son, Pound Cake, who was sitting a few meters away from the construction site. “Son, I told you to go play somewhere else! I don’t want you to mess up my work.”
“Oh come on dad, let me help! Please?” Pound cake begged, desperate to work just like his daddy.
“No son, maybe next year, ok? I’ve got it this year. If things keep going like they have been so far, I’ll have it done by tonight. Just in time for the Hearth’s Warming Day celebration!” Carrot explained excitedly. Normally he’d work late into the night on this project and be tired all Hearth’s Warming Day. This year he’d finish it on time, and be just as energetic as his family for the holiday.
“But daaaaaad....” Pound whined as he pawed at the ground in disappointment. He was sure he could be a big help if his dad let him. He had wings, after all. He could put the bricks on top of the growing walls without a problem.
“No buts, son. Go play with your sister or something, ok?” Carrot denied distractedly as he began to inspect the walls to make sure they were even. The building was just for show, so the walls didn’t need to be too sturdy. As long as nothing significantly heavy hit them, they would hold just fine for the show. “Now don’t touch anything, alright? I’m gonna go get my ladder...”
“Awww... fine...” Pound huffed as he sat back on his haunches and crossed his legs in front of his chest. As soon as his dad wandered out of eyesight though, Pound Cake’s smile returned and he picked up a brick. “When daddy sees that I can do this, he’ll let me help him finish the house!” he muttered excitedly as he flapped his wings a few times to get off the ground.
The large brick of gingerbread was heavier than he expected, and it was difficult for him to maintain a steady flight as he made his way to the top of the house. He set the brick down carefully, exactly where it was supposed to go. He panted a little as he released the brick, slightly more tired than he expected to be from lifting a single brick. He continued his work, managing to set down four bricks before his dad finally returned. He sat down in the same spot he’d been before and tried to look innocent.
“Didn’t I tell you to go play?” Carrot asked with a sigh when he saw his son. Pound looked kind of sweaty, and was panting heavily. “Hey, are you alright son?”
“Yeah, fine!” Pound shouted nervously, worried his dad would be upset about what he’d done. He decided to just let his father see it on his own.
Carrot shrugged and went inside of the house’s walls to set up his ladder. He continued his work for a few minuted before Pound began to be annoyed. He either hadn’t seen his work, or was ignoring it! He had to make sure his dad saw him helping so that he knew his son could be trusted to work with him.
Pound pondered how to go about that, when he decided the only way was to make sure his dad saw him helping. He lifted another brick, barely managing to lift it this time. He grunted and struggled as he lifted the brick up to the top of the wall his father was working on. He popped his head above the wall suddenly, struggling to maintain his flight.
“Hiya dad!” he shouted happily, moments away from his wings giving out.
“Gah!” Carrot shouted in surprise, lurching back unintentionally... sending him crashing to the ground. His hoof caught on one of the steps of the ladder as he fell, bringing it down on top of him as well. He grunted in pain. He was damaged, but he would be alright.
“Dad!” Pound shouted in shock as his wings finally gave out and he fell forward into the weak, poorly secured wall. It collapsed inward, sending hundreds of pounds of gingerbread tumbling down onto Carrot. The rest of the walls followed suit until the whole house had collapsed inward.
It was a lovely spring day in Ponyville, and for the majority of the ponies, this meant being outside and enjoying the weather. Rarity was doing the former, but unfortunately, she wasn’t enjoying the latter.
“Where could she possibly be?” Rarity wondered aloud. “She better not have gotten dirty, it will have ruined all the work I spent cleaning her the other day.” She thought to herself as she searched the town.
“Something wrong, sugarcube?” Rarity was so lost in her internal monologue that she hadn’t noticed Applejack walk up next to her.
“I’m fine, Applejack.” Rarity replied. But when Applejack’s only response was an unbelieving stare, Rarity wrapped her forelegs around Applejack’s neck and broke down in tears.
“It’s OK, Rarity,” Applejack said as comforting as she could, softly rubbing Rarity’s back with a hoof. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s Opal… she’s gone missing!” Rarity managed to get out in between sobs.
“Oh no...” said Applejack. She didn’t really like Rarity’s pet that much, but she knew that Rarity loved her, and thus decided that she wanted to help her friend find her. “How long ago was it when she disappeared, sugarcube?”
“About two hours ago,” Rarity replied. “I was looking to see if she took this fabric I needed, but I couldn’t find her anywhere in the house. I’ve been doing all but tearing apart the whole town to find her!”
“Aw,” Applejack stated. “Would you feel better if I helped out?”
“That… that would be alright.” Rarity said, releasing her hold on Applejack and wiping off some of her tears, smearing her eye makeup in the process.
“OK, where haven’t you searched for Opal?” Applejack asked, thinking it would be easier to ask than asking her where she had searched.
“Well… I haven’t searched the Everfree, for obvious reasons. I also haven’t searched Sweet Apple Acres.” Rarity replied.
“OK then,” said Applejack. “We can search Sweet Apple Acres now if you’d like. Big Mac gave me a day off from chores today so I could enjoy the weather.”
“That… that would be lovely, Applejack.” Rarity responded. Even though they had been friends for a good few years now, Rarity was still surprised by how often her friends would give up everything they were doing just to help her out or make her feel better.
“Let’s get a move-on, then!” Applejack said, leading Rarity to Sweet Apple Acres to begin their search.
“OK, you can search the barn, and-” Applejack got out before being interrupted by a loud and, unfortunately, recognizable scream.
“Apple Bloom!” Applejack forgot everything and took off running in the direction she heard her little sister’s scream come from, Rarity following and hoping that her friend’s beloved sibling was alright.
After running about a mile or so, Applejack found Apple Bloom curled up underneath a tree, scared and shivering. Rarity caught up soon after.
“Darling, what has you so scared?” asked Rarity.
“Your crazy cat, that’s what!” Apple Bloom screamed in reply.
“Wait a minute, you found Opal?” asked Applejack.
“Yeah,” Apple Bloom said, tears streaming down her face. “I was trying to climb a tree and I heard something behind a bush. I went to go look and then that cat jumped out, growling with some white stuff coming out of her mouth, and she nearly bit me!”
“Oh dear.” said Applejack, knowing what this meant. But when she went to say what it meant to Rarity, she wasn’t there.
“Uh-oh.” said Applejack, rushing off shortly after that little understatement, following Rarity’s hoofprints and hoping that she got to her in time. A scream confirmed otherwise, making Applejack just trot faster.
“Rarity!” screamed Applejack, hoping to catch her before things went South, but when she got there, it was too late. All that was left of her friend were her mangled remains, what was left of her shining white coat tainted with blood, her half eaten organs stranded all over the ground, and white foam coming out of her mouth. The Element of Generosity was no more.
“Oh, come on, Twi! Quit being such a slowpoke!” Rainbow turned around, flying lazily on her back as she watched her alicorn friend struggle to match her face. Though Dash didn’t like to admit it, somewhere deep down, she took a great joy in knowing the fact that even one of Equestria’s four princesses still couldn’t match her pace. Still, she was only teasing, for the most part.
She watched Twilight flaps her wings steadily, smiling at all of the progress that she’d made. A few more days of training and she’d be a tip-top flyer ready to take on the sky. That made Rainbow Dash proud.
“H-Hold on, Rainbow! You’re going too fast! I just got down how to fly steadily! I can’t just take off like that yet!” Twilight huffed, blowing a few strands of loose mane out of her face as she slowly managed to catch up with Rainbow. Judging by the appraising look on her friend’s face, it looked as if she had down a good job.
“Not bad, Twi! Most pegasi gotta go through school for a year at least before they learn to handle perfectly like that!” Rainbow smirked, patting Twilight on the head and giving a small giggle. Seeing Twilight huff grumpily only caused her to giggling more, finding and nearby cloud and laughing madly into it.
“It’s not funny, Rainbow! You know I can’t fly as fast as you yet!” She shot Rainbow an angry glare before fixing her eyes on her own wings and sighing softly.
“Wait a minute… Yet? Twi, no offense, but you’re never gonna be as fast as me. I’m not trying to be mean, it’s just a fact! Speed is my special talent!” She smiled, flying over to Twilight and patting her on the back. “I just know you’re gonna be plenty fast on your own though. All the other normal pegasi are gonna be so jealous!”
Twilight grumbled, looking at her own wings and back at Rainbow. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I shouldn’t be so concerned about being fast with flying. I should be working on the basics still.” Twilight yawned and stretched her wings, giggling softly. “Can we fly home now?”
Rainbow smirked, thinking about it for a moment. “Hey Twi, wanna race home?” She wiggled her eyebrow, egging the alicorn on.
“Uh… Sure, I guess I can try… So when do you wanna go?” Twilight turned her head, starting to flap her wings as she realized that Rainbow had already taken off, leaving a rainbow traill in her wake. All she’d have to do was follow it and eventually… Twilight smirked as she rounded a corner, finally seeing Rainbow flying faster than she could ever hope to manage, watching as Rainbow turned her head backward to gloat. Too bad she wasn’t facing forward. She would have seen the tree coming from a mile away.
“Rainbow, look out!” Twilight yelled, struggling to flap her wings faster.
“What is it, Twi, afraid you’re gon-” Rainbow was cut off with a loud crack as she flew face first into a branch, her head twisting the completely opposite direction. And with that, Twilight screamed.
Derpy flew idly over Ponyville trailing a moving carriage behind her. The way she was flying was obviously haphazard, with her eyes closed, humming a soft soft as she trailed the carriage that wasn’t even closed properly. That didn’t bother her one bit. Not even when she could feel the contents of the carriage bouncing because she hadn’t tied them down properly, causing her harness to rock shakily. None of this could snap her out of her idle stupor as she continued along her merry way, oblivious to the dangers she presented to others and herself.
Meanwhile on the ground below, as certain tiara wearing filly was chatting with her best friend, Silver Spoon. The pair were giggling mischievously as they walked down the street, not paying attention to their surrounding in the slightest. They were both too busy gloating to each other about how much they hated other fillies, and especially the three blank-flanks that made up the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
“So anyways, I totally just took her milkshake and ‘accidentally’ splashed it all in her faced.” Diamond Tiara giggled, thinking back to how she’d gotten the innocent filly down at the ice cream parlor all sticky and gotten away with it without so much as the slightest consequences. She truly believed that she could get away with anything. Too bad for her that this would be her last day walking the Earth. Fate has a way of delivering when it comes to jerks.
The two kept on walking in relative peace as Silver smirked, though she felt somewhat bad about the scene she was seeing in her head. “Yeah, that sure sounds like fun! So… Earlier today, I was helping my dad out at the donation center for homeless ponies…” She stopped walking as Diamond stared at her in both shock and disgust before she spat at the ground.
“That’s what you do all day? I thought we were supposed to be trying to make life a living hell for those three blank flanks!” Diamond Tiara huffed, stomping the ground and throwing a mini temper tantrum. Neither of them heard the snap from above as a poorly hitched carriage carrying a piano and several other extremely heavy objects broke off of an oblivious pegasus’ back.
“Hey, Silver, do you hear something? It sounds like something’s…” Diamond barely had time to look up as the several ton vehicle slammed down on her. Silver Spoon stared in shock as her childhood friend exploded in a mess of blood and gore, splattering both her and everything around for several yards. Silver started to twitch as she felt something slide down her forehead and slowly come into view. It was Diamond Tiara’s ear.
Silver Spoon promptly fainted.
High above, a grey pegasus continued, eyes closed, oblivious to the lack of weight present on her back. For all she knew, she was still on her merry way, heading to a happy couple who were eagerly awaiting their furniture for their new home.
Little did she know that fate had just made a special delivery.
Twilight Sparkle sat in the middle of her library, silently making calculations in her mind. Somewhere upstairs, her assistant was sound asleep in his bed, since it was his day off. This made Twilight slightly sad since she wouldn’t have the extra help today, but she couldn’t help but feel that he’d earned a rest after all that he’d done for her the past few days. She’d just have to do what she was about to do on her own today.
She made some scratch marks on the floor with her hoof, drawing out arcane symbols and equations that noone other than her or another particularly gifted unicorn would even be able to comprehend thinking about. A small smile graced her face as she looked at her completed calculations, a sense of pride drifting over her face. She was about to attempt blind teleportation, based solely on visualization of the target area alone.
“I did it!” She blushed, looking up the stairs to see if she’d woken up her little assistant. She heard no sound, so she assumed that everything was still okay and that he was still asleep. She stood up and took a deep breath. “Alright, just need a few moments to prepare.”
She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, counting to three. Her horn started to glow a light purple as she felt herself drawing in magic for the spell, getting ready to teleport. It’d be a short distance at first. Just a few feet in front of her… In an instant, she released the spell and felt a weightlessness take her over for a few seconds before she stumbled a bit.
When she opened her eyes, she was exactly where she’d hoped she would be. A proud smile graced her face as she stretched her legs, marveling at the newfound freedom she felt. It was such a short distance, but she’d finally done it! She didn’t even feel tired from the magical exertion that she’d performed. Instead she felt elated. She wanted to try again.
Somewhere upstairs, a little dragon was stirring. After a few rubs of his eyes and a small bout of coughing, he began to make his way downstairs. There was Twilight, eyes closed, trotting around happily in circles. He could see that her horn was lighting up for a spell and he giggled. He wondered what sort of crazy thing his adopted mother was trying this time. His curiosity was cut short not two seconds later. He suddenly felt short of breath. He suddenly felt heavier…
Spike looked down, only to see the face of Twilight Sparkle sticking out of his body, open in a silent scream as her lungs struggled to find purchase inside his body. Spike tried to breath and figure out a logically way out of the situation, only to immediately fall unconscious and fall on the floor, covering Twilight’s face as she slowly suffocated under him.
And just like that, Twilight Sparkle became the first unicorn to die of fusion during teleportation.
“Do we really have to do this in public, Pinkie?” Rainbow Dash says this as her cheeks flush with a noticeable crimson.
“Yep! Wouldn’t have it any other way, Dashie!”
“But it’s not cool! What if somepony sees us?”
“Psssh,” the pink earth pony opposite of Dash scoffs. “At night? We’ll be fine! And even if somepony sees us, would they care?”
Dash almost has an aneurysm at the implication that Pinkie doesn’t realize just how obscene this little game of theirs is. Still, she stands her ground and decides to play along with her mentally questionable friend. Worst case scenario, they get caught and Dash will never live it down. On the other hoof...
“Well, I guess not. Weirder stuff’s happened around here. And if I beat you, what do I get as a reward?”
“Free hugs?” Pinkie asks deviously. What does she really have in mind?
“Nope. Can’t be something I already get.”
“Unlimited access to my box?”
“Wait, what?” Dash’s ears perk up a bit against her will.
“My box of jumbo marshmallows, silly!”
“Ah, r-right,” Dash says uneasily, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes with a hoof. “Say, um... how does this game work again?”
Before she can get a proper answer, Pinkie suddenly flickers, her form distorting for a split second as if a hologram, and now her front hooves hold two rubber balls. With each sphere having a diameter of three inches, these balls aren’t exactly the smallest ever. In fact, some ponies might say they’re sizable balls, especially if put if gripped by a little filly or colt. Of course, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash aren’t fillies, are they.
“Ohh~! Lemme show you!” Pinkie gently puts down the spheres and turns around, with her tail facing Dash now. The cyan pegasus wonders what her friend is going to do when the realization suddenly hits her. Without warning, Pinkie’s cotton candy-like tail raises itself, exposing the mare’s puckered anus underneath. Dash leans her head back, trying to get away from the display but unable to move her legs.
“P-Pinkie! That’s so uncool!” If there are a few things in this world that Dash hates, they include magicians, mimes, ponies who smack their cheeks when they eat, having to give credit to Discord for doing anything right, and seeing her friends’ buttholes.
And God, apparently.
“Shh! It’s really easy, Dashie! All ya gotta do is first spread your cheeks, like this!” Pinkie does just that and parts her buttcheeks as she bends her hind legs, getting closer to one of the rubber balls. The cyan pegasus doesn’t know if she wants to puke up her breakfast or become slightly aroused at the demonstration. “Then you gotta concentrate and be one with the ball.” The pink mare quivers slightly as she grips the sphere with her butt, her hind legs straining to keep her balanced. At last, she straightens her legs and manages to successfully lift the ball off the grassy earth. “It’s like a pushup, but with your rump!”
“Woah... um...” Dash doesn’t know how to react. Instead her face just kind of scrunches up, and a grin slowly forms on her face. “That doesn’t look so bad, Pinks.”
“Told you! Like I said, ya gotta be one with the ball! It’s a lot more intense than it looks.”
“What’s this game called? Kinda forgot.”
“Dropball!” Pinkie yells enthusiastically as the ball falls out of her tightened buttocks with a pop sound. Dash looks down at the second rubber sphere, now a little confident that she can beat her best friend at an insane but admittedly creative challenge.
“Alright. Let’s do this!” Her nose flares up and she positions herself above the sphere, determined to show Pinkie that her butt isn’t the only one that can handle big balls. Dash bends her hind legs while trying not to fall onto the ball, which proves to be a little harder on her trained muscles than Dash expected. However, she manages to grip the round object with her rump, and Pinkie grins widely at the display.
“Not to worry you or anything, but my record for this game is six...” Pinkie nearly whispers to her friend, and Dash’s face only grows a more vibrant shade of red as she tries to keep control of the ball.
“Ahhhh!” Suddenly, Dash feels one of her hinds legs slip on the grass, and she feels her anus absorb the rubbery sphere. Now, Dash’s butthole was never exactly meant to take penetration like a champ, especially since she prefers to not have her rear end played with, so when the ball totally forces itself inside her tight butthole, she lets out an embarrassing yelp.
“Dashie! You okay?!” Pinkie runs over to her friend’s side, and Dash feels a lone trail down her burning cheek as she slowly gets off her rump.
“But... b-but...”
“Your bubble butt’s not hurt, is it?” Pinkie quickly reaches over and lifts up Dash’s tail to see the damage. Much to her surprise, though, the ball seems to have disappeared. No trace of it, which means... “Oh no. Oh no!”
“What’s wrong, Pink- Hey, wait, my butt’s not bubbly! You’re the one who has the junk in your trunk!” Dash does her best to hold back tears of pain, feeling deeply violated as the sphere rests inside her rump. Pinkie grasps Dash’s face with her hooves and nearly breaks down as well when she lets out the next few words.
“That wasn’t just any ball, Dashie...”
“W-What was it?”
“It was a Ninth Dimension Ball!” Pinkie screams up to the heavens as if the world is about to come to a fiery end.
Too bad for Dash, because she doesn’t even know what the ninth dimension is.
“Wait, wha-” Before she can finish her question, the pegasus evaporates in an abrupt and unceremonious poof, complete with comic book action bubble.
Shining Armor hummed to himself as he padded across the room towards his dresser. He had a very important meeting to attend that day, and his uniform had to look perfect. Cadance slumbered peacefully, so he was cautious to not wake her. He reached the dresser and began pulling the parts of his uniform out, setting them aside one-by-one.
Little did he know he wouldn’t be making it to his meeting.
Uniform in-hoof, Shining made his way to the chest at the foot of the bed. He popped the lid, smiling at the multitude of medals and ribbons arrayed there; the product of his long-standing military career. He took a moment to enjoy the sight of the glimmering metal and well-made fabric. He grasped one particular medal for his valor at hoof-to-hoof combat in training and pulled it out, smiling at the reward for his efforts warmly.
Just as he was about to fix the pin to the uniform, though, the clasp popped open and the thin needle fell out of its place, bouncing off of the floor and rolling under the chest.
“Damn it all to Tartarus…” He cursed under his breath. His horn glowed as he lifted the chest up, searching for the pin underneath.
“Oh come on…” The damnable pin had rolled under the bed.
“Honey?” Cadance sounded out groggily from the bed. “What’s wrong? I heard you muttering.”
“Sorry, love.” Shining smiled up at her sheepishly. “I was trying to put a medal on my uniform and the pin dropped off…”
“That’s unfortunate…” Cadance rubbed her eyes as Shining looked down to the floor once more. His horn glowed even brighter as he hefted the chest, trying to shed more light on the pin just past hoof’s reach under the bed. “Can you get it?”
“I think so…” Shining mumbled, pawing at the pin with the edge of his hoof. “Fuck!” He bumped it instead, sending it further into the shadowy recesses of the foot of their bed. “Damnable thing, c’mere…”
“Would you like some help?”
“No, I got this.” Shining felt the pride swell up in his chest. He was the commander of the guard, co-ruler of the Crystal Empire, and one of the most powerful unicorns in existence. “Hang on tight.”
“Hang on? Hang on for wha-wo-woa-woah!” Cadance hastily flapped out of bed as Shining lifted it up off of the ground by several feet. “Shining! Honestly!”
“Got it!” Shining swiped the pin up off of the ground triumphantly, smiling at Cadance. “See? I told you I’d get it.”
“Bravo,” Cadance deadpanned. “Now put our bed back so I can go to sleep.”
“Alright, alright.” Shining backed away and cautiously set the bed down, smiling warmly at his wife. “Sorry, love…”
“Just glad you got your pin, darling. Have a good time at your meeting.”
“Yeah, no problem…” Shining turned towards the bathroom, smiling warmly. “I just gotta-“ his horn died down…
And the chest fell.
*Thunk!*
“Hmm? You just gotta what?” Cadance yawned. Silence. “Shining? You just gotta what?” She sat up and looked down at the floor, where her husband’s skull had been crushed by the heavy chest.
Fancy pants and Fleur De Lis stared out at the night sky together, watching the stars twinkle. Normally, they would’ve been down at the festivities going on downtown tonight due to one of the princesses getting married, though instead they had chosen to stay the night in and look at the event through the windows of their luxurious home. Neither of them knew that declining a royal invitation meant death itself would be waiting at their door by night’s end.
Fleur snuggled up next to Fancy Pants as they stared out the window together, watching all of the flashing lights and dancing going on in the distance. She looked down at him, eyes pondering for a moment whether or not she should ask him to go to the huge celebration with her. She simply shook her head, casting the thought from her mind and leaning against him.
“We should be down there, you know,” Fleur said, nuzzling him. “I don’t know why you wanted to stay inside so badly. We could’ve easily spent time together out there.” With a small sigh and a giggle, she once again looked over to meet his gaze. All she could see were his beautiful eyes, holding her gaze. Neither of them noticed the rainbow contrail shooting up into the sky, or the very ominous looking cone of air around it.
“I’ve told you already, dear. I’m far less nimble than I used to be. I’d just be stepping on ponies’ hooves and bumping into everypony. They’d kick me out before we even had the chance to finish the first dance.” Fancy Pants chuckled, pulling Fleur closer to him. He turned her face towards him, leaning in for a soft, loving kiss with the love of his life. Imagine his surprise when a loud boom shot out throughout Canterlot, the sound of explosions going off right next to him stunning him as he closed his eyes.
Suddenly he heard a thump, and tasted copper.
When he open his eyes, he looked down, only to see his love crumpled on the ground, eyes and mouth frozen in a scream of terror, with hundreds of shard of glass buried in her face, neck, and midsection. Fancy panicked, stumbling a bit. He was starting to feel dizzy. He was also starting to feel light headed… And he could feel his neck throbbing. He looked down, only to see a rather large shard of glass sticking out of the right side of his neck. And then he collapsed beside his lover.
Both of them lay side by side, mingling in a pool of each other’s blood as they reached out their hooves to each other in a desperate attempt to connect before the bitter end. Neither of them had expected the night to end so suddenly. Perhaps if they’d been with the other ponies, then they would have been safe, a glass wouldn’t have pierced Fancy’s jugular. Perhaps Fleur wouldn’t have been standing so close to the window, and wouldn’t have had several major arteries severed.
In the end, the lovers’ perfect night together was shattered. But at least they got to end it with a bang.
“Be good girls, and don’t touch anything while I’m gone, alright? I don’t want you getting hurt, alright?” Rarity looked around nervously, as if somepony were watching her in secret. “And I certainly don’t want you to touch my sewing machine without me here. I don’t want you to break anything either.” Rarity cast a suspicious glare upon Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. Most of it was focused on Sweetie Belle.
“Alright, Rarity, we promise we’ll be good!” All three of the fillies shouted in unison, seeming just a bit too rehearsed for Rarity’s taste. Still, however, she was in a hurry, and she had some place to be. With that, Rarity waved to the trio and headed out on her way to Ponyville, locking the door behind her on her way out. The three waited a few moments before chattering together about all of the things that they planned to do that day.
“Cutie Mark Crusaders Seamstresses YAY!” the three little fillies piped up as soon as Rarity was most definitely out of earshot from their loud antics. Scootaloo immediately hurried over to the sewing machine while Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom went to collect fabrics for the new costumes that they were planning to make that afternoon.
“Ugh… Scootaloo. Get away from the sewing machine! I’ve told you a million times, you don’t know how to use it, and if it breaks, Rarity will kill me!” Sweetie Belle shot Scootaloo an angry glare, warning her to step away from the machine as she brought bolts of fabric over to the table where the machine resided.
“Come on, Sweetie Belle! What’s the worst that can happen! Your sister uses diamond needles for crying out loud, and she’s had this thing for like ten years! I think it’s proven that it’s pretty sturdy.” Scootaloo giggled, giving the side of the machine a small tap and looking to Apple Bloom for support. Apple Bloom nodded her head and jumped up next to Scootaloo.
“Please, Sweetie?” Apple Bloom asked, giving the best begging eyes she could managed. “We just wanna try it once! Ya always get to use it whenever we need it!”
“Fine. Just once. And don’t start it up unless I say too, okay?” Sweetie sighed, sliding the fabric into the proper place. She didn’t realize that a part of her mane was in the way. “Alright, go!”
In an instant, the needle began hammering away, and Sweetie began to scream bloody murder as it pounded her mane, sewing her hair into the fabric and bringing her head closer to the working needle. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo both panicked before they turned their head to the opposite side of the machine, the strange gurgling sound they heard disturbing them.
Sweetie’s head was being repeatedly pounded with the needle as it drilled it’s way into her skull, smoke rising from the machine. Within a few moments, Sweetie was gurgling blood as the diamond needle mashed her brain into mush, garbled baby talk escaping her lips as her two best friends stared on in absolute horror.
But… You see, that’s the sort of thing that happens when you don’t follow directions, kids. Karma always finds a way to get ahead.
Trixie grumbled silently to herself, disappointed at being so petty in her previous encounters with Ponyville. It wasn’t like she wanted to be hated. Though she felt that she probably could have done with a little less boasting and humiliating of audience members. Trixie sighed, looking back to the travelling wagon that she always hitched to herself whenever she went on the road to her next show. It was her mobile home, so to speak.
With each bump, Trixie shivered. She felt the wagon shudder behind her, and it felt as if at any moment the whole thing would just come apart and she’d be forced to continue on, technically classified as homeless. Trixie shook her head to rid herself of such dark thoughts, inwardly wincing as she felt the wheels rock and shake, threatening to buckle under all of the weight they carried.
“Just a little more, Trixie. Then you can pack up for the night and get out of this Celestia forsaken harness…” Trixie thought out loud, trying to encourage herself and ignore the splitting pain that she was feeling in her back. She’d been travelling for hours now, and she didn’t think she could go on much longer.
Just as she was about to give up, Trixie found a patch of flat land. And then her front left wheel collapsed, sending the cart tumbling to the ground. She groaned. She would just have to fix it herself then and bunk here for the night. She could get it professionally done when she reached the next town over. Unfortunately for Trixie, her instincts about wheels were right.
Trixie lifted the front cart up in her magic, removing the wheel and getting under the cart to make sure none of the axles were damaged at all. She sighed, seeing that the one that held the broken wheel had also snapped and that she’d have to repair it. She fished around for a few moments before selecting a rather strong magical adhesive. It would have to do for now.
She climbed underneath the wagon, trying to manipulate the axle into a position where she could properly apply the adhesive as she held it in her mouth. Trixie’s eyes shot open wide as she felt the wagon shudder once again. She’d have to finish fast.
What Trixie couldn’t see, was that just behind her head, the other two wheels were about to give out after years of hard work, and a long time without maintenance. Suddenly, she heard a sharp crack behind her, followed by a lurch. It wasn’t much, but as the wheels gave out and the wagon started to tilt, it was just enough to make her lose her grip on the front of the cart. Trixie screamed in terror for about a second before a hideous squelch echoed throughout the empty area she was in and her blood began to pollute the road.
After all, it was only a matter of time till her road trip came to a crashing halt.
Vinyl Scratch was a celebrity, and like most celebrities, she was an addict. Because she was an addict, that often meant raging drug parties and long nights of terrible decisions. This was one of those nights.
"Ahhh yeah, that felt good!" Vinyl Scratch was hunched over her coffee table, using a drug called M.I.D, short for the term ‘magically induced drug’. M.I.D is a rock that works by stimulating the brain of unicorns and causing them to feel a magical rush, and a feeling of immense power and superiority that are impossible to find anywhere else. The magic will then sink into the brain and stay there leaving a type of high but the unicorn won't be able to control her magic. As Vinyl stood over her drug-induced state, she decide she needed more of the high. For the next few days she tried different tactics, to make her high last longer. She tried grinding it up and snorting it. Eating it wouldn't work because the M.I.D will cause vomiting. After a few days of experimentation, she’d finally had enough. She set out to find the one thing that all drug users strive for: the ultimate high.
"That's it!" She yelled while getting up. For the past ew days Vinyl wasted almost all her money trying to get more high, now she had enough, walking over to her pantry, she pulled out a needle. Grinding up the M.I.D she added it in a juice of Cocaine, Cannabis, LSD, and M.I.D. Putting the liquid in a needle she proceeded to walk to her couch to inject it. While walking to her couch she tripped on her rug. Falling forward, she landed on her needle, injecting the drugs into her heart. Rolling on her back, she peered at the needle a grimace on her face, then replaced by a smile, while the drugs ravaged her body. What she didn’t realize, was that in her drug induced stupor state, she had forgotten to tap the needle to make sure that there were no air bubbles present in it.
Her eyes shot open in surprise as a bubble of air was injected directly into her heart, causing the flow of blood to be disrupted. It didn’t matter. She was too high to even notice the fact that she was quickly rushing to her end. Within minutes, she was lying on the floor, dead, with the needle still embedded in her chest and a goofy grin on her face, as if she’d just won the lottery.
This had set out to find the ultimate high with a highly illegal drug. But in the end, all she ended up getting was a bad trip straight to the afterlife.
No Laughing Matter [Guest Chapter By CarbonBandit]
“Alright girls, Who’s ready to PARTY?!” yelled Pinkie Pie excitedly, raising two hooves full of balloons. “I’ve got party hats, and board games, and yummy snacks and cakes, and oooooooh this will be so much fun!” squealed Pinkie hardly containing her excitement. “What should we do first?”
“I think we should all have some pie” said Mr. Turnip in his usual slurred speech.
“Ey, that sounds like a great idea Turnip, Hey Pinkie, bring out some pie!” called out Rocky insistently. Pinkie could tell that her friends were becoming restless, but the pies wouldn’t be ready for another 15 minutes. She didn’t want to disappoint her guests, so she would have to think fast.
“Ooh, how about a game?” asked pinkie desperately. Maybe if she could distract her friends with a fun activity, maybe they would forget how hungry they all are. “ I have pin the tail on the pony, duck duck goose, musical chairs,. . . “ continued Pinkie.
“Dreadfully sorry to interrupt, however, these activities do sound absolutely dreadful. I would much prefer to consume one of the delicious pastries that you have prepared.” chimed in Sir Lintsalot, “If you would be so kind as to bring out the pies, I would be very grateful.” Distracting the guests wasn’t working, and pinkie was running out of ideas.
“How about jokes? Everypony loves a good joke.” asked Pinkie Pie desperately. Her friends all looked to one another (as much as any inanimate object could look at someone) in complete silence. The room fell completely silent as the four friends considered the proposal. All stayed quiet, until Madame LaFleur finally spoke up. “Oui, a good joking game sounds absolutely marvelous.”
Pinkie let out a large sigh of relief, now all she needs to do is keep the jokes going for another 10 minutes. “Okie Dokie, who would like to go first?” asked Pinkie with a renewed sense of excitement in her voice.
“I’ve got a good one Pinkie” called out Mr. Turnip. “What does 2+2=8, and a left hoof have in common?” All eyes turned to Pinkie as she attempted to solve this most challenging riddle. After minutes of thinking, Pinkie finally caved and asked for the answer. “They both aren’t RIGHT.” said Mr. Turnip with a slight chuckle. Pinkie Pie let out a slight giggle. “Good one Mr. Turnip, you really had me for a moment.” congratulated Pinkie. The joke was definitely good, but nothing too funny.
“Alright, who is next?” asked Mr Turnip “Who thinks that they can come up with a better joke than me?”
“I’d like to give it a shot.” called out Madame LaFleur, “ Why did the poor earth pony ask a pegasus for help?”
“Ooh, I know this one!” yelled Rocky excitedly. Once again, all eyes turned to pinkie pie. Her face twisted in various expressions as she attempted to figure out the joke.
“I give up, why?” asked Pinkie
“Because he wanted some CHANGE in the weather!” answered Madame LaFleur barely able to control her own laughter. Pinkie immediately burst into laughter as she slammed her hoof on the table repeatedly, tears began to roll down her face as she slowly regained her composure. Looking to her clock she smiled realizing that the pies would be ready in a short five minutes.
“That was absolutely hilarious Madame, great work.” said Pinkie with a smile on her face.
“Alright, now it’s your turn Rocky” said Mr. Turnip
“OK guys, I’ve got a joke that’ll really knock your socks off. Why does Peter Pony always fly wherever he goes?” asked Rocky with a cold stony smile. “Because he Never-Lands!” The entire room suddenly burst out in laughter. Pinkie threw her head back in an uproar so loud that the house seemed to shake.
“Please. . . don’t. . . . I can’t breath. . . too funny.” cried Pinkie between laughter, gasping for each breath. Her cries continued for a few more minutes, before she slowly began to gain her composure. “Wow Rocky, that was absolutely hilarious. I’ve never heard a joke that good, I was laughing so hard I could barely breath!” congratulated Pinkie Pie. “How is it that a joke could be that funny?”
“Because it Never Gets Old.” answered Rocky. Pinkie’s eyes widened instantly once that last sentence was uttered. The room fell utterly and completely silent as Pinkie began to twitch. Never Get’s Old. . . . Never Get’s Old. . . the words repeated themselves in Pinkie’s head as her pupils shrank to the size of a pinhead. The corner of the mouth twitched slightly as she attempted to keep a straight face. In the end, keeping a poker face proved impossible. Like flicking a light switch, both halves of the joke connected together to form the worlds funniest joke. With a sudden yell of laughter Pinkie cried out “THE JOKE NEVER GET’S OLD, BECAUSE NEITHER DOES PETER PONY!”
Pinkie kicked her legs out in a fit of joy pushing her chair backwards and launching herself onto the floor. In a fit of extreme laughter, she began flailing her arms and legs in complete calamity. She began rolling accross the room hugging her sides as a splitting pain shot through her body. No matter how much she tried, she could not stop laughing. “Too . . . Funny. . . Can’t . . breath.” yelled Pinkie with a pained smile on her face. Through heavy fits of laughter, you could almost hear small cries of agony escape from the ponies lips. Tears poured from her eyes as she continued to roll on the floor clutching her sides. Soon minutes passed, her head grew heavy and her vision began to blur as blood rushed to her head. Unable to control her laughter, she was slowly being deprived of oxygen. Becoming aware of this only caused her to roll and panic more violently.
With a final cry, she turned over to her back as her (now purple) face settled still, frozen forever in a perpetual smile.
“Wow, would you look at this one, looks like asphyxiation.” stated Sherrif Hooves as he walked about the crime scene. Looking down at the small purple pony staring and smiling at nothing he felt a small hint of remorse for the small pony.
“Ey, look over ‘ere, this little smutch died laughing, haha, what a patsie” laughed Deputy Dan, pointing at the small body.
“Hey, Dan, have some respect. This is no laughing matter.
