It's Neighpril foal's day and Discord wants to play with his two favorite princesses.Whether they want to or not.
It's Neighpril foal's day and Discord wants to play with his two favorite princesses.Whether they want to or not. And if you think Discord is going to settle for only one day... You really are a foal.
A collab between the Celestials Jorofrarie who writes Discord The Atlas Complex who writes Celestia Foals Errand who writes Luna
Many would think discomfort was a foreign concept to royalty. 'The Regal Sisters ruled all of Equestria, and as such, they would never know want or need'. Typically, many ponies would be correct. Aside from the few, though increasingly frequent, instances where some madpony decided to show their ugly mug, neither Luna or I have ever been with much discomfort. But at the moment, my mind still drunk with the fuzziness of residual sleep, I knew I wanted at least one thing.
“Helping Hoof! Blanket! Pronto!”
I wait for a few minutes, or maybe seconds. It's rather difficult to distinguish the two when you're fifteen hundred years old. Either way, Helping Hoof always responds right away, and she never disappoints. But she didn't respond right away. How disappointing.
“Second Choice! Blanket! Now!” I shout. In all my years, I've never figured out why everypony's name matches their future career. I should really invest some time looking into that. Or ask Twilight to do it. She does love not being disappointing. I raised her to be my 'prized eternal servant' after all. Or Princess of Harmony and Friendship. Same thing really.
I wait a little while longer, knowing Second Choice isn't usually as prepared as Helping. And he's three times her age. Which confuses me even more about why he's my second choice. He's been here longer, and therefore has more experience. I hope Twilight figures out the name thing quickly, it's starting to bother me. And it's only-
I try to force an eye open, my eyelid straining against the 'sleepies' that have formed against the creases of my eye. Even if I was cold, I must have slept very well for this gunk to form.
At last, my eyelids tear the crusty seal apart, and I look around for my little alarm crystal. The odd, little, crystalline like cube had been a gift from Lulu back when we were young. It was a few years prior to the Sombra incident, and we were in The Crystal Empire on vacation. While we were there, Lulu thought it'd be funny to buy me an alarm clock as a gag gift, stating that if I were ever sick, or just too tired, I could hit the 'snooze' button and get up after dawn. Well, she couldn't find a clock. But she did find a merchant who specialized in making novelties from crystals found within the kingdom. And so, the first, and only, alarm crystal was made. I find it rather humorous, nopony realizes that I currently raise the sun two hours later than I used to.
As my eye adjusts to the light in the room I search everything within my line of vision. No crystal. I don't typically shift in my sleep, so my alarm crystal is almost always the first thing within my vision. However, I only see a pale pink wall at the end of the room. And floor. Marble. No bed.
“Helping Hoof! Second Choice! Last Resort! Anypony!” I scream.
I'm truly terrified. I've fought some of the most troublesome beings in existence, and never have I been so scared. I've been captured a few times, but I'm always aware of the situation. Nightmare Moon? Placed in a pocket dimension. I knew exactly what was happening. Queen Chrysalis? Being placed in a cocoon always has a certain feel about it. Plunder Plants? Those did have me startled for a moment, but those vines quickly proved themselves...
Entertaining. There is a reason why they're called 'Plunder Plants' after all.
However, this is a different situation. Not only do I have absolutely no idea as to what's going on, but everything around me seems completely normal. I don't sense any particular evil. And the faded pink wall really doesn't scream 'diabolical'.
I force my second eye open with much less resistance. Or maybe I'm just not as focused on that particular action as I was a moment ago. Looking around, quite frantically I might add, I quickly realize I'm in the observatory. Luna's observatory. Not two paces to my left is the fancy telescope I had commissioned nearly a century ago. I had it made as a 'welcome home' gift for Lulu once she returned from the moon.
Before I could question my predicament, a loud slamming noise came from the door, though it would appear that door was locked and somepony had slammed into it . “Princess! We heard screaming! Open the door! Please!” Shouted the raspy voice of a stallion. I could recognize it as one of the Night Guard, Midnight Shield I believe.
“I- it's quite a- alright!” I stammer. The words feel strange on my tongue, though I can't place my hoof on it. I struggle to my hooves, many of my muscles uncooperative in my efforts to stand. Taking another glance around the room, making myself certain that I'm in Luna's observatory, I have this strange sense that everything is just a head taller than it used to be.
I use my magic to unlock the door, which is quickly pushed open by Midnight and two other Night Guards. Even they are just slightly taller than they used to be. After checking the room for any threats, they turn to me. "Princess Luna, are you okay? We were up the hall when we heard screaming coming from this room. Shouldn't you be finishing up court about now?"
What?
“What?” I repeat aloud.
“Well, uh, I w- was simply a- asking, your highness, if you should, um, uh be finishing up your court. W- we all know how Princess Celestia reacts when she discovers you skipping court.”
What?
As I enter my room, I see myself lying in my bed. “Wake up!”I shout, happy I enchanted my bedroom centuries ago, effectively making it sound proof. Shouting isn't new, nor is screaming, moaning, gasping, whimpering, or even crying. But this is the first time any of those have been in rage!
The me in the bed proceeded to wake up, jump, and fall out of bed all at the same time. “Ow.” She blinked. “Uh, May we ask thou why thee is within our body?” She got to her hooves “Or as our friend Pinkie Pie would say why tis your peanut butter within our chocolate?”
I cock my head to the side, confused. “H- how did you figure it out so fast?” I question. I doubt Lulu would do something as bizarre as this, and waking up only now, I would assumed it would've taken a little longer for her to figure things out.
She sighed and lifted a hoof to touch the sky. “The only way we would be able to see ourselves if not in another’s form would be if this twas a dream.” She lowered her hoof “And, seeing as the sky has not rippled, we know that this is not a dream. We also conclude that thee must be Tia.”
I lift my my- her hoof into the air, and, less then graciously, wave it about in the hopes of spotting the aforementioned ripples of the Dreamscape. Finding none, I turn my head to look at myself. “Well, although I wish I could, I can't really tell you why. In fact, I was hoping you'd have a little more insight into this situation.”
The white pony cocked her head for a moment. “We do not Sister, however tis quite chaotic. Might thee have a calendar within your bedchamber?”
I point to the alarm crystal on my nightstand. Not only was it a clock, but each face of the cube monitored a different number or reading. On the face closest to me was the date. I look at Luna. “You do know that nopony says 'bedchamber' anymore, correct?” I question.
Luna grinned “We still do, therefore somepony does, Tia. Now, tis the date?”
I facehoof. “Always the lazy pony, aren't we Lulu? The date is the first of Neighpril.” I look at my sister as she grins. “What?”
“Neighpril first? Tia, hast thou forgotten holidays so quickly? Is thou meaning to tell us there tis no longer Neighpril Fools Day?”
I facehoof. Again. I already feel a welt on my forehead. Neighpril Fools Day. And there is only one with the power or gall to prank my me and my sister in such a way. I look at Lulu who is giving me a knowing smile.
"Tis not as bad of a prank as it would have been were he still evil let us summon him laugh and he will change us back we are certain!”
I can already feel the migraine coming on. “Yeah, sure. Let's get it over with.”
Luna lifted an eyebrow “Tia thou is the only pony who knows how to summon him.”
I sigh. I focus all my attention onto the only source of chaos magic I could find within fifty miles. After his reformation, Discord was given his own 'court' in the underbelly of the castle. It was primarily to humor him, but it also keeps him from unleashing all of his chaos into the rest of Equestria. We just have to make sure he doesn't conjure up anything too destructive. It tends to keep everypony in the castle on edge of their seat.
As I use my magic, honing in on the mismatched abomination of chaos, I suddenly have loud mariachi music playing inside my head. The more I focus, the louder the music gets. Just as my head starts to throb with each shake from the maracas, I manage to get a hold on the immature demigod. I pull with every ounce of magic I can, and I can tell that he's fighting back. I'm just starting to crack under the pressure when I feel him give.
Sleep. After being in... How did Tia put it again? Oh, yes; after being in a time out for the last one thousand years, I was capable of sleeping virtually anywhere. For instance: in my observatory, next to the telescope Tia had purchased some time before my homecoming. Now that is a far better location for which to take a nap then, say, oh... A crater on the moon? Ehhh. I’ll get over the whole ‘moon thing’ someday, I’m certain.
Letting that thought drift into the recesses of my mind, I curl up into myself so that my limbs aren't flayed all over the place. If I have a... Um, lets call it a ‘bad dream’ shall we? I still have issues with the ‘N word’. Should I have a bad dream, I certainly have no desire to damage my precious telescope. If, for no other reason, than that it had been a gift from Tia. An object to symbolize that she knew I’d be freed one day. Note to self: ask Tia what she had planned to do with my telescope and observatory should the Elements have re-banished me.
Well, I suppose I've had enough of a nap. Just because my court doesn’t really exist anymore isn't an excuse to just laze about. Oh! I know maybe I will go to Ponyville and see if Twilight Sparkle is awake. Since her becoming immortal like myself and Tia I have been enjoying her company more than I had when she was a Unicorn. There are just some things an Alicorn could do that a Unicorn just... er... can't. Maybe, in a couple hundred years or so, Twilight would be ready to go public. But until then...
Wait, why do I have the feeling that something is about to happen? I hate this feeling. It usually means I don’t get to... How did Pinkie Pie put it? Ah, yes, goof off. I attempt to snuggle further into my sleep with the hope that the oncoming trouble will simply pass me by.
Funny... How is it that the floor is so comfortable? It truly feels almost like my bed?
“Wake up!”
My eyes pop open as my body attempts to jump and fly at the same time. I fail at this and fall out of the bed.
“Ow.” I murmur.
Strange. I'm certain I had fallen asleep in my observatory. How is it possible to fall out of a bed that shouldn't even be here? I survey the room around me. Very bright, and very familiar. I turn and blink up at the pony that is now standing above me. Matching my gaze is... myself. Why in Equestria would I standing over myself? And how?
Oh. OH! OOOOOOOH! There can really only be one explanation for this. I blink up again at my older sister, who just so happens to be residing within my body.
“Uh, May we ask thou why thee is within our body?” I ask as I climb to my... Or, I suppose they're actually my sister’s hooves.
“Or, as our friend Pinkie Pie would say; why tis your peanut butter within our chocolate?”
Celestia cocked her, or rather ‘my’ head to the side. It was so very strange to see this. Tia looking downright confused was an unusual sight, though I couldn't really blame her. If I had woken up first I think I would be just as confused.
"H- how did you figure it out so fast?"
I sigh and lift my right fore hoof to touch the air above me. I carefully feel for the energy of the Dreamscape, though I find none.
“The only way we would be able to see ourselves if not in another’s form would be if this twas a dream.” I lower my hoof back onto the ground. Ugh, my sister’s bulk is much more than my own. If I am going to be in this body for any length of time, then a diet is in order.
“And, seeing as the sky has not rippled, we know that this is not a dream. We also conclude that thee must be Tia.”
I watch as my body lifted it’s hoof into the air and ungracefully waved it about in the air, similar to the way I had done a moment ago. A look of utter disappointment soon covered her features as she turned back to look at me.
"Well, although I wish I could, I can't really tell you why. In fact, I was hoping you'd have a little more insight into this situation."
I mull over her words for a moment, and I cock my head to the side as I close my eyes in concentration. I quickly right myself though when nothing comes to mind.
“We do not Sister, however tis quite chaotic. Might thee have a calendar within your bed chamber?”
I watch my own body point to the alarm crystal I had purchased for Tia oh so long ago. I hope it would not last to long. I had forgotten it had a calendar function. Huzzah! She lifted an eyebrow at me with a small grin. I can already tell this is going to become very confusing!
"You do know that nopony says 'bed chamber' anymore, correct?"
I found myself grinning back at her. “We still do, therefore somepony does, Tia. Now, tis the date?”
I watch my body face hoof. Hmm, I look very... What is the modern word for it again? Oh yes! I look very foalish doing that. I wonder how it would look if I was to do the same, only within Tia’s body. Hmm maybe in front of her court. That could be fun!
"Always the lazy pony, aren't we Lulu? The date is the first of Neighpril."
I kept myself from frowning at Tia. Hardly, I do not appreciate being called a lazy pony! But then it hit me, and I laughed. I wasn’t able to help it! The answer! It had been so very simple!
"What?" Tia asked confused by my laughter.
“Neighpril first? Tia, hast thou forgotten holidays so quickly? Is thou meaning to tell us there tis no longer Neighpril Fools Day?”
Another 'thump' sounds through the room. If Tia face hooves again, then I will surely be unable to keep myself from self from mocking her with her own body. Severely. She was going to give herself, and thus me, a concussion! I let out a sigh, and smile at Tia. She has forgotten just who was free again this year.
"Tis not as bad of a prank as it would have been were he still evil. Let us summon him, laugh, and he will change us back. This we are certain!”
It looks to me as though summoning Discord was the very last thing Tia wanted to do.
"Yeah, sure. Let's get it over with."
I lift an eyebrow at my dear older sister. After all, although I'm in her body, there is something Tia was forgetting.
“Tia, thou is the only pony who knows how to summon him.”
I see Tia sigh, her, or my... No, her horn glowing as she reached into the unknown with her magic. Not much longer now, I mean Discord is reformed... Right? What could go wrong?
With another wave of my paw, I slowly turned half of the room into cream pie, whilst the other half turned into something approaching a tentacle monster. They didn’t seem to get along very well.
A small ringing started coming into my ear, trying to drown out the perfectly nice music that was blaring around my chambers. I put my paw in front of my face, pulling a small antenna out of my thumb, and checked my contact list.
Great. Celestia. Pfft. Not talking to her at the mo-
Ooooh, waaait. That’s right. The switchy thing. They must have figured it out. That, or they just wanted to spend some quality time with good ol’ Discord.
Yeah, I know, I am a fascinating, smart and reserved individual. And yes, I am aware that those terrible, rude, inconsiderate princesses don’t like to spend much time around me.
The ringing noise got louder, and my paw started to vibrate. Its screen is flashing and practically shouting the name CELESTIA! at me as loudly as it can. Oh, no, wait, it was shouting ‘Celestia’ as loudly as it can. Oh boy, she must really want to speak to me.
I tried to close my paw and deny her any chance of talking to the one, the only, the legend; Discord, but there seemed to be some force stopping me from declining.
Well, I thought, let’s just get this over with.
I tapped on the screen and was promptly sucked through my paw and into the headlights of the oncoming truck of a nervous and frustrated wreck that was the body of Celestia. She didn’t look that happy to see me.
I slowly propelled myself through the air, kicking my legs every so often to keep myself circling around their heads.
“Ahoy-hoy! You called?” I asked, booping Celestia’s… Luna’s… Celestia’s body with a paw. Her eyes crossed and she set a firm frown on that dial.
“Discord, now tis not the time for silly parlour tricks and annoyances such as these. We would very much like it if thou were to remove such enchantments that are currently in place upon thy sister and mine self. Please, put everything in its rightful place.” She had this look on her face that was just soooo cute! It was like she thought she could boss me around or something!
“Yes,” Celestia echoed. “I understand that you like to prank, and I know that today is neighpril fools day, but these sorts of pranks are simply not allowed around the castle. The potential to completely disrupt any sort of order is simply too damn high!” She placed a hoof over her mouth in shock. “Where did that come from?”
I was in a bit of shock. Neighpril Fools? Already? Hmm… this simply was not enough. I need more. I need to really tear lose on this one. I need to do something that no one would ever expect.
“Discord? DISCORD! Listen to us!” Both of them shouted. I shook my head, displacing a rubber duck and six very expensive antique records. As they clattered to the ground I promptly flew into a wall and appeared out of Celestia’s ear.
“You called? Again?”
I could practically hear Luna’s teeth grinding as she said, “Just turn us back. Both of us are getting headaches, and this tis getting very foalish.”
“Hmm… No.”
“Just like I said. No.” I raised a paw to forestall any argument. “You’re going to have to work for this one. Somewhere in the castle I have made…” I thought for a second, “SOMETHING!”
They didn’t look to enthusiastic. “Something?” Celestia asked.
“Yes,” I said, nodding wildly. “Something.” I disappeared and waltzed out of a nearby wall, waving my paws in the air. “Something. Something that will reverse the effects. Don’t worry, I’ve made a little trail for you to find it.”
“But how will we know what it tis?” Luna queried.
I winked. “Believe me, you’ll know.”
“And just how did you have enough time to make all of these plans?”
I started to simply vanish from my tail upwards. “Now, I’d love to stay and chat, but I need to get some other things in place for Neighpril Fools! HAVE FUN ON THE CEILING GIRLS!”
Both of them just groaned in painful response.
And with that, I left them. I immediately appeared in my chambers and was forced to break up a full-scale war that had broken out between some baked goods and a republic of tentacle monsters.
Yeah, I’d catch up with them later. For now… I had some traps to make.
I also wondered how ponies would react to their princesses walking along the ceiling and falling down suddenly? Hmm… Maybe I could watch…
“Okay, okay. Now, do we all know how to play safe?”
The gathered forces of the Cream Pie Parliamentary Democracy all nodded their heads, their leader bowing down before me to swear undying faith in my rule. The tentacle monsters just waved their tentacles around a lot. They weren’t the most talkative bunch.
“Okay. That’s good. Can I trust both of you to keep things under control while I leave for a few moments?”
They all nodded again, a dull murmur of agreement coming from the pastries.
Once again, the tentacles just did their tentacle… thing.
“Very good. Now, I’ll be popping out for a few moments. Play. Nice. I don’t want to have to clean up another World War in here. Pudding-covered roses aren't easy to pick off the wall. Well, actually they were, because I’m awesome. But still, it’s the meaning that counts.” I stared into their eyes deeply. “Don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do.”
With those parting words, I disintegrated into slightly purple potted plants that exploded into confusion.
Come to think of it, I probably shouldn’t have told them all to act like me. That’s never a good idea. Well, too late for that now.
With a snap of my finger, I was turning into smoke and rising through the ceiling.
I was now floating on my back above the figure of a large white pony who was laying splayed out on top of a round bed. Oooh, and what do we have here? A poor innocent sleeping Celestia? Well… damn, this is getting confusing. Luna… In Celestia’s body. Should I call her Luna? Celestia? Nah, screw it, I’ll just call her Luna. That’ll work.
And she’s looking all peaceful. Aww, how cute. I hate cute things. Why can’t she be made out of bubblegum. Ah, well, a Draconequus can dream.
Still…
I looked at the sleeping form of the Lunar Princess. I couldn’t just let her sleep away the whole day. Not when there was precious pranking to be done. No, this would not stand at all. I would have to remedy this situation.
With that in mind, I dressed Luna in a multi coloured tutu, placed a very beautiful - in my opinion - clown’s wig on her head, and teleported her to one of the fanciest restaurants in Canterlot.
Yes. That would do nicely.
I left the room with a sinister laugh, sinking into the floor as I returned to my abode, plotting what to do next; this time to Celestia.
I quickly teleported myself down into the bowels of my domain, finding that all hell had indeed broken loose, and that the two sides had were playing a real life game of chess, in which taking a piece meant completely and utterly destroying any trace of it.
I had never felt so proud of my little creations as I did just then.
I walked onto the chess board and started clapping loudly, gathering their attention.
As one, both sides started cheering loudly. I’m still not sure how they cheered, but they did, and I’m not going to ask questions.
It’s magic, it don’t gotta explain shit.
Anyway, I let them have their happy celebrations for a few more moments for holding up my hands.
“I know, it’s big news. And the best part is, it’s completely not true! That’s right! The war is still on! Have fun fighting to the death! And do you know what that means! We’re getting a change of scenery! Yaaay!”
The pies were completely still, and the tentacles were looking angry as all Tartarus. No cheering was heard.
Spoilsports.
“Fine,” I said. “If that’s the way that you feel about it, they get out of here. You’re grounded. And by that I mean you have to fight to the death. Get out of my shed.”
I snapped my paws and banished them from my underground shed, never to return. I then realised that I’d probably have to get someone to sort out the war that I’d just teleported into their castle.
As I sank through the floor with an evil grin, I imagined just how Celestia was going to take having a delicious and slightly creepy war dumped in her metaphorical front lawn...
I groan as I push myself up off of the... Ceiling. I turn to see Luna in a tangle of limbs, desperately trying to realign herself. “You alright Luna?”
“We take back any kind things we have ever said. We despise that draconequus.”
“You do realize he's the only draconequus you've met, right?” I ask. The Chaos Wars may have been in our lifetime, but aside from being the ones to take Discord down, we never really played much of a part in any of the battles.
“We still despise him and wish to be off the ceilin- Woah!” She hit the ground hard.
What? Why would she fall befor- “Whaaa!” I squeak just before hitting the ground myself.
“I hate him too, Sister.” I groan.
Luna glanced over at the crystal. “It seems that it tis one am, our court is about to end. We fear that you must take our place and we must take yours until the time that we discover this method of turning back.”
“Yes, I understand. Though, if this is the case, I suppose you should practice your modern Equestrian.” I tease. I have a feeling she's gonna be in for a long ride. Oh, and speaking of court. “And since we're on the subject, Sister, would you mind telling me how Night Court has been going?”
Luna pawed at the floor “We have not received a petitioner in over a month The ponies still fear us and our night. They would rather stand in a long line to see you then wait no time to see us.”
“That is no excuse to abandon your duties to your kingdom. You know as well as I do how important some of those ponies are. Just because you would rather be napping, or playing your video games, that doesn't give you the right to simply shirk off all of your responsibilities.” I sigh. Luna really has no idea how lucky she is. Those ponies can be insufferable at times.
“So we are to sit in the empty throne room for 3 hours a night just in case a pony doth come?”
“Yes!” I nearly scream. “Yes! Now I don't care what you do there, but as long as you're there, then I have no quarrels with you! Relax, meditate, anything! Just as long as you're there. If you're doing that, then you are doing your job.” I gasp for breath after my rant.
“Very well, we are sorry Tia we did not understand how important this is to you.” Luna nuzzles to her now smaller sister. “Now something about our speech?”
“Um, oh! Yes!” I say, having forgotten the matter at hoof. “Well, for starters, dear sister, you always use the traditional 'we' rather than using 'I'. Now, I understand this will be difficult to get used to, but if we're trying to keep our predicament under wraps, then you need to learn modern speech patterns, and fast. If you'd like, I could call Twilight up to Canterlot to help you. The train should only take a couple of hours or so.”
“You mean that we should tell her? Also why would she not fly tis far faster than going by train.”
“Well, between you and me, I don't think her lessons with Rainbow Dash are going as well as they'd hoped. And yes. I believe that her knowing would be beneficial to our predicament. If we don't figure this out soon, I'd rather not spend every day pretending to be you. If she knew, then, being a Princess of Equestria, she could fill in for us while we search for the solution.”
“We agree Tia, we still believe she can fly faster then the train though.”
“It's only to be on the safe side, Luna. I'd rather not have to order a clean up crew to scrape my former student off the side of the mountain.” I grimace at the mental image of a pile of bloody purple pulp.
“Then we will send one of our own chariots to retrieve her, er that is, you as us will do this.”
There is a sharp pain in my head as I try to make sense of Lulu's last sentence. “Yeah, sure. Whatever you said.” This isn't going to be a fun day, that I'm already sure of.
There is a hesitation “We- no I said that you need to order a few of my guards to pick up Twilight Sparkle. Did we say that correctly Tia?”
“Yes, thank you for clarifying, Luna.” I turn to the door, ready to call upon Midnight Shield. “Oh, and Luna?” I turn towards her again. “Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Do you understand?”
“Yes Tia, we understand.” The white alicorn drawls before crawling back into the bed with a sigh, closing her eyes
I turn away, and walk out of the room.
Well, I've sent the chariot to get Twilight, and Night Court ended shortly after settling everything with Lulu. That just leaves me with the rest of the morning to do whatever I like. Being a Princess of Equestria, there can be no shortage of entertainment within the castle. Even at two in the morning.
I. Am. So. Boooorrrrrrred. Who knew being the Princess of the Night was so Mundane?
Don’t worry, I’m putting something together to make things more… interesting.
What?
All of a sudden, Discord’s head popped out of the ceiling above me, toting a malicious looking grin. “Celestia! Hey! Long time no see! So anyway, I was having a little trouble with some political coups, and I thought, who’s the best person to deal with renegade subjects and co-rulers?”
“Discord! Even for you that was low! What happened to Luna happened for the best!”
“Yeah, yeah. So anyway, I’ve got a war on my hands… again. Your problem now, not mine. HAVE FUN!”
With that, his head disappeared again, falling like a raindrop from the ceiling and disappearing into the ground just as the sound of ‘snapping’ could be heard.
There is a loud ‘pop’ akin to the stereotypical sound that is normally attributed to the popping of bubbles. A quick glance at my surroundings confirms that I've been teleported to the underbelly of Canterlot Castle. The part of the castle that I gave Discord free reign over. This doesn't surprise me.
I can hear unearthly noises from down the hall, and as much as I'd like to ignore it and go back upstairs, I am the pony who claimed she'd take responsibility for Discord's actions. Or, I was. Am I? For all intents and purposes, I might as well be Luna. But as I prepare a teleportation spell of my own, it dawns on me that I'd rather not know what Discord has planned for the real Luna.
Scrapping the spell, I turn and head towards the grizzly noises. The sounds of sloshing, screeching, and thrashing are all there. With the faintest hint of mariachi music in the background. How bad could it possibly be? I open the door that conceals my fate.
Oh sweet Harmony. That’s a lot of pastry. Walking into the room, it looks like something out of a kiddy book. Or maybe something from one of those adult, Neighponeese comics. The room I'm in is Discord's court. Or it was. On the left side of the room is a fortress made of pie crust and cream pie filling. And, on the right, is a pit of... What appear to be, octopus tentacles.
I blush as I notice that some of the tentacles appear to resemble something other than that of an octopus’ limb. Turning back to the Cream Pie Kingdom, I notice that there are... Pies. Specifically, floating pies. Just... Floating. Stranger than that, they appear to be communicating to each other, flying around, and, generally, just going about their business. It's ‘awe’ inspiring... If not down-right disturbing.
I would typically humor Discord in these situations. Although, I'm also typically in a better mood than how I feel at this moment. There's just something invasive about being stripped from your body, only to be crammed right back into another. All I want to do right now is get back to my own body. Desserts and tentacles come much lower on my priority list. Not too much lower, but they're still lower.
The thought of thought of releasing solar-level heat into the room, knowing it would cleanse the entire room of all organic matter, is tempting. Boom! Problem solved, right? No. Well yes. But that's not the point. The point is that doing so could damage the structure of the entire castle. And, although I would be rid of bizarre these Crimes against Harmony, I couldn't stand to watch my own home literally go up in flames. Oh, and the ponies... I would never want to hurt my little ponies.
So with ‘death by fire’ out of the question, I either have to solve this issue in a civilized, democratic manner... Or, find a means of extermination that doesn't compromise the structural integrity of my precious castle.
I walk out of Discord's court with my head held high, knowing I brought harmony to those who needed it most. I'm covered with pie filling, and I feel just the slightest ache within the area of my body that some crude nobles have dubbed the money pit. It didn't take me long to realize that the two species had several things in common; one being their taste for... The ‘finer’ things in life.
Still, I'd choose my flora over Discord's fauna any day.
As I prepare the teleportation spell in my head, I can't help but wonder of Luna got off better than I did.
Heh, got off.
I cast my spell, and a moment later I appear in my private chambers. I'm still covered in cream from when the cream pies creamed me, and I make my way to my pristine wash room. I step under the shower and turn the faucet. Being the Princess of Equestria has many perks, one of which being the fantastic, top-of-the-line products that are generously ‘donated’ to me and my sister. My shower is one such product; built for the wealthy and powerful, my shower uses magic to heat the water up to perfect temperature instantly.
I wash myself thoroughly. I don't want Luna to ever know what I did today in her body. Even if it was in the name of peace and harmony! As I sit under the delightfully hot torrent of water, I can't help but let my mind wander off to the thought of Discord. What could he be planning next?
I watch as Tia groans and pushes herself up from being plastered to the ceiling. Er, well, as much as I can watch that is. My sister’s body is far bigger than mine and being slammed into the ceiling, as I was made to, made me lose what precarious control I had learned. In simple terms I was a tangle of legs. It was rather embarrassing and uncomfortable.
"You alright Luna?"
“We take back any kind things we have ever said. We despise that draconequus.” I grumble, still trying to right myself. I want my own body back and I want it back now!
"You do realize he's the only draconequus you've met, right?" Tia asks me as she rights herself. Even standing upside down she was able to perform better than me.
“We still despise him and wish to be off the ceilin- Woah!”
Discord’s stupid spell has come undone very suddenly and I receive my wish. Though I wish it did not include my muzzle slamming into the carpet of Tia’s room.
"Whaaa!"
Tia squeaks out right before she joins me on the carpet also landing on her muzzle. Discord was a dead… whatever he was, when I was back in my rightful body! What I did to Tia as Nightmare Moon would be nothing!
"I hate him too, Sister."
I hear Tia groan and shaking away the lightheadedness I have been gaining from ignoring gravity; I get to my hooves and glance over at the crystal.
“It seems that it is one a.m., our court is about to end. We fear that you must take our place and we must take yours until the time that we discover this method of turning back.”
"Yes, I understand. Though; if this is the case, I suppose you should practice your modern Equestrian."
Ah yes, modern Equestrian. You get a timeout on the moon for one thousand years and everypony expects you to now speak with them like they are your friends. Frankly, I just don’t understand the purpose of speaking to our subjects like I would speak to Tia, or Twilight. Oh well, Big Sister knows best doesn’t she?
"And since we're on the subject; Sister, would you mind telling me how Night Court has been going?"
I knew it! I just knew she was going to mention that damnable night court! I have been back almost two years now! Two years! And still if I get one pony a week I am lucky! I am, however, getting very good at this game called Poker. And if any mortal thought they could defeat me in chess they were sadly mistaken. Still, I had to give Tia an answer. Why am I so nervous around my big sister anyways? I sometimes don’t even understand myself. I find myself pawing at the carpet floor while I considered what to say.
“We have not received a petitioner in over a month. The ponies still fear us and our night. They would rather stand in a long line to see you than wait no time to see us.”
I watch as Celestia’s right eye twitches. Yeah, that was definitely not the right thing to say when her nerves were already on edge. This was not going to be pleasant for me. Remember Protocol Luna; just agree with Tia when shes pissed off. Arguing only ever makes it worse. Hold your own temper. Remember you are the night, you are cool, you are collected. Oh harmony, she is ticked.
"That is no excuse to abandon your duties to your kingdom. You know as well as I do how important some of those ponies are. Just because you would rather be napping, or playing your video games, that doesn't give you the right to simply shirk off all of your responsibilities."
“So we are to sit in the empty throne room for three hours a night just in case a pony doth come?”
Seriously? You had to say that? Really!? Mouth, we just agreed to agree with Tia and not to challenge her! No challenging a ticked off Tia!
"Yes!”
I feel my ears fall back against my head at my own voice which was very ticked and loud. Mind you not to my royal canterlot voice but still.
"Yes! Now I don't care what you do there, but as long as you're there, then I have no quarrels with you! Relax, meditate, anything! Just as long as you're there. If you're doing that, then you are doing your job."
Celestia just stands there in front of me breathing deeply, and I honestly am feeling bad. How much has Tia gone though to try to get the ponies to accept me since I’ve come home? And how do I repay her? By shirking my duties. I am ashamed at myself, I am not behaving as a Princess should. Maybe I could do more to entice the ponies to come to night court. There are so many possibilities for me to consider later.
“Very well, we are sorry Tia. We did not understand how important this is to you.”
I put my currently white cheek to Tia’s dark blue one and nuzzle her. I feel her nuzzle back and I feel a weight lift from me. Angry or not Celestia still cares for me.
“Now something about our speech?”
"Um, oh! Yes!"
Tia pulls away from my nuzzle with a slight frown having been enjoying it as I had, but now she was back on track I hope.
"Well, for starters, dear sister, you always use the traditional 'we' rather than using 'I'. Now, I understand this will be difficult to get used to, but if we're trying to keep our predicament under wraps, then you need to learn modern speech patterns, and fast. If you'd like, I could call Twilight up to Canterlot to help you. The train should only take a couple of hours or so."
Tell Twilight? Well, she would find out eventually. Either from my not showing up to star gaze with her or from Tia not answering one of her letters promptly. Telling her now would reduce that embarrassment and her psychosis…Probably.
“You mean that we should tell her? Also, why would she not fly? Tis far faster than going by train.”
"Well, between you and me, I don't think her lessons with Rainbow Dash are going as well as they'd hoped. And yes, I believe that her knowing would be beneficial to our predicament. If we don't figure this out soon, I'd rather not spend every day pretending to be you. If she knew, then, being a Princess of Equestria, she could fill in for us while we search for the solution."
I mull over what Tia says. Her reasons are sound after all. While Rainbow Dash is a fantastic flyer. Her... teaching abilities most likely leave much to be desired. Also pegasus and alicorn wings have slight differences. It really should be myself or Tia teaching her. Well, maybe while she’s here helping me I can repay her lessons with my own.
“We agree Tia, we still believe she can fly faster then the train though.”
“It's only to be on the safe side, Luna. I'd rather not have to order a clean up crew to scrape my former student off the side of the mountain."
This image does not leave a nice impression on my mind. Although, I do wonder if slamming into a mountain could kill Twilight. I am curious... but not curious enough to try it. Not yet at least.
“Then we will send one of our own chariots to retrieve her, er that is, you as us will do this.”
Tia’s eye begins to twitch again as I try to tell her to order one of my chariots to get Twilight.
"Yeah, sure. Whatever you said."
I stop for a moment. I can do this, I tell myself. I mean how difficult could modern Equestrian be anyways?
“We- no I said that you need to order a few of my guards to pick up Twilight Sparkle. Did we say that correctly, Tia?”
Tia’s eye stops twitching and she smiles that serene smile which she is so famous for. Mind you, upon my face it looks slightly disturbing. but not too bad. Hmmm I should really smile more without the lightning and thunder. Must wean myself off of that.
"Yes. Thank you for clarifying, Luna."
Tia heads towards the door while I climb back into her bed. If I am going to have to be her all day and deal with harmony knows what, then I need sleep. Lots of sleep.
"Oh, and Luna? Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Do you understand?"
“Yes, Tia, we understand.”
I let my head flop onto Tia’s white pillow, yanking the gold silk covers over my head as the door closes. I sigh one more time and purposely close my eyes.
I wake with a jolt as I fall onto something crashing into the floor with a clatter of metal and the shattering of china. I let out a soft groan and sit up I am very wet and sticky. I look around and quickly realize that I am no longer within Celestia’s sleeping chambers, in fact it seems I was in a kitchen of some kind.
Discord, I know you did this! Oh you are dead! Not even turning you into a statue will be enough to save you this time!
I get to my hooves and give a shake of my head to clear it. Huh, that’s funny. Shouldn’t Tia’s hair be within sight of my eyes?
I stop shaking my head and begin looking around I quickly find something I can utilize as a mirror. A shined pot hanging from a hook. Staring back at me is my sister wearing a rainbow colored clown wig which is splattered in multiple different desserts and ice cream toppings. I spin around as if chasing my tail and there is a pink tutu around my flank A tutu! A pink tutu!
Ugh! We I mean I am the Princess of the night! Not some kind of… of Celestia clown ballerina!
I storm outside of the restaurant not caring that I am radiating the power of the sun with every step I take pots melting and the slag dripping to the floor. When I notice I let out a sigh and decide to write a large check when I get home. After I put Discord on my wall that is. With this happy thought my horn glows and I vanish with a pop appearing in Celestia’s shower
Tia can never find out what has happened!
When I got out of the shower there is a eager purple alicorn waiting in my room.
That’s right, Tia was going to send a chariot for her. I feel what seems to be a buzzing in my head. I recognize it immediately. Twilight was going to have to wait.
“None of you know how to have fun any more. I really mean it, this life is just so… stale. That’s it, I need to find some new friends.”
The small lampshade didn’t respond. It rarely ever did. It had never been the same after…
Well. We don’t talk about it. Rest assured that it wasn’t nice.
I shook my head and lazily snapped a paw, transforming the lampshade into a small ferret, which scuttled off quickly. If a ferret ever could scuttle off that is. And with the scuttling off of that ferret went my dreams of ever reforming that poor, poor demented soul. Ah well, I only had myself to blame.
Or did I? Hmmm. Nope! I was in the clear!
My conscience lifted, I made my way through the stupidly large hallway that I was in, the sounds of large-pitched battles still echoing around the castle. They’d been at it for hours now, and yet both sides of the battle seemed to be evenly matched, pounding and stabbing with ferocity that I’d never seen matched in any flora-pastry battle ever.
A few ponies in full battle attire ran past, clunking along in their stupid gear. They were followed by more than a few chefs, more than a few gardeners, and a few huge ponies that looked pretty damn hungry. I could imagine what they were for, and I had to applaud them on their imagination.
Then again, they could just be some really hungry civilians…
Those poor, poor pies. They had no clue what was coming their way.
They didn’t see me, of course. They wouldn’t have seen good ol’ Discord, that loving and slightly creepy looking thing that’s always there to hand out buckets full of love and affection. They would have instead seen a little cardboard box with a little exclamation mark creeping down the corridor.
I was hidden inside my devious hiding place of hidden-ness.
No one ever expected the box.
The moment the other ponies were gone I threw the box over my head and started making my way down towards the battle. I was a little curious as to what was going on. The sounds of the battle were even dying down a bit. Those reinforcements must have been doing a bang-up job of… whatever they were going to try to do.
Lo and behold, Celestia… I mean, Luna herself was talking down both sides. Wait, Luna’s body… Damn, this is still confusing . It seemed that she had found a way of satisfying both sides. Well that was… anticlimactic. Bah, no common decency these days. No respect for a war.
Filled with disgust for the cancellation of this afternoon’s entertainment, I snapped a finger and burst into flowers that promptly wilted and died from the sheer party-pooperness of the atmosphere.
I floated along looking for something to do. Luna would probably have her hooves full for the next few hours trying to not look like a fool in public, so I couldn’t really do much there…
Boring.
I snapped my claw and sent a plague of hungry scissors on their way towards downtown Canterlot, the scent of uncut hair already filling their sharp beaks. At least that might stir up some trouble with the local mane dressers.
I floated along in the sky, my brown fur perfectly camouflaged with the sky and clouds. I could see everything from up here. There really wasn’t much going on. Canterlot was just so… dull! Why did nothing ever happen here! Why couldn’t there just be a simple flash-mob, or maybe a Godzilla attack?!
I mean, there could even be some sort of sacrificial ritual going on! Those weren’t too uncommon! I always loved a good ritual. They always had great food. Actually, there was this really great one that I was at a while ago. Ripped a guys heart out, they did. Threw it into a bloody volcano afterwards. Kali was so proud of the bastards after that.
I could really go for a ritual.
It just sucks that of all places, Canterlot would never have one.
Yep. Not a single ritual going on in Canterlot. Not one.
My Discord senses were tingling.
I looked down, and sure enough there was a circle of ponies all dressed in black skulking around some back alleys somewhere deep in Canterlot. There was a small circle inscribed in the ground beneath them, and red light poured from the little lanterns that they had hanging everywhere.
Wow. They went full out with that one. 10/10 for style, although the creepy chanting was sorely lacking.
Oh, no, wait. There it is. Wow, they’re doing a pretty good job of that too. I might just go check it out.
I swooped down on the crowd beneath me. There were about ten ponies altogether, and there seemed a little awed that I decided to grace them with my presence. They bowed to me.
It there was a better way to swell an ego, I have yet to find one.
One of the ponies stood up from their prostrated position.
“Oh great Demon of Chaos, have you come to us to grant us our wish?” the pony said, quivering in excitement.
“Uh, yeah. Sure. I guess. What are you after… my little cultist.” I had to say that. I really did.
“We are trying to bring our beloved mistress back to us. The one that these pitiful fools walking the streets around us dare to disgrace her name by using it without reverence, but instead use disgust and fear. Nightmare Moon.”
As she said that, all of the cultists stood and saluted. “All hail the Great Leader. The One who Brings the Night. The One who Reaps the Harvest. The One with the GoldenEye. The One who Knocks. The Chosen One. The Channel One. The One who Saves Us. The One who Reforges Us. The one who will Bring us Into The Darkness. The One with Lots Of One-Ness. The One with More Than One Title. The One, the Whole One, and Nothing But The One.”
Instantly they all bowed again, except for the hooded pony that was looking at me with hope in her eyes.
“Soo…” I said. “Basically… You want Nightmare Moon back?”
The bowed ponies stood and saluted. “All hail the Great Leader. The One who Brings the Night. The One who Reaps the Harvest. The One with the GoldenEye. The One who Knocks. The Chosen One. The Channel One. The One who Saves Us. The One who Reforges Us. The one who will Bring us Into The Darkness. The One with Lots Of One-Ness. The One with More Than One Title. The One, the Whole One, and Nothing But The One.”
“Yeah, that one,” I said.
“Oh course, Oh Great Demon Of Chaos. We would be honored if you would do that. We would do anything to have the great Nightmare Moon returned to us.”
“All hail the Great Leader. The One who Brings the Night. The One who Reaps the Harvest. The One with the GoldenEye. The One who Knocks. The Chosen One. The-”
“Yeah, yeah. I get it already.” I frowned. “I think I should know your name first. I can’t just do a favour for a cult that has no name.”
“Oh, we have a name. We’re called Broonies.”
“...Broonies. Wow. That’s just plain terrible. Why Broonies?”
“Well… some us us are stallions… so we mixed Bro and Moon. Clever, isn’t it? We wanted to show our love for Nightmare Moon by mixing Bro and Moon together.”
“...It’s stupid and obvious. Let’s just get her already. You want your Moony? I can get her for you. Just wait for a few moments.”
I snapped my paw and summoned a huge red plume of smoke that filled the summoning circle we were standing in, shortly before summoning Celestia right into the middle of it.
She looked confused, but before she could get her bearings I summoned a can of unremovable Blackest-Black ™ paint and threw it over her face, coating her body. I then snapped my paw yet again and put a whole bunch of armour over her, before changing her eyes to the adorable ones that Moony had. Oh, and I increased her… size a little.
...What? All I did was make her grow a little! Nothing shifty about that! Anyway, she was looking pretty surprised, probably due to the crazy amount of smoke that I was blowing at her.
I snapped my paw and sucked all of the smoke into ground before bowing to the cultists who had an awed look in their eyes. “I now present to you… NIGHTMARE MOON.”
I teleported out of there almost immediately, but before I did I heard, “All hail the Great Leader. The One who Brings the Night. The One who Reaps the Harvest. The One…”
On the other side of the teleport was a door. I needed to check up on Luna, of course. I couldn’t let Celestia have all the fun.
Actually, you know what? I was still a bit miffed that my war idea had failed.
Well, screw it. I’m gonna make a real war. One that can’t just be called off so easily.
Hmm… this might be an idea.
As the chapter faded to black, the people on the other side of the screen could hear me calling out for the Princess of the Day, Celestia herself, to come and bring peace to the warring Minotaur and Griffin Kingdoms.
