The wrath of Can
“Celestia dammit, I´m bored.”
Applejack was sitting on the front porch of Sweet Apple Acres sipping cider with Big Macintosh and Rainbow Dash. It was a lovely day, as usual. But the ponies could not enjoy the flowersmelling breeze or the cute twitter of the birds.
“Me too,” Rainbow Dash said. “Nothing ever happens in this dump. I long for adventure. Action. Danger!”
“Eeyup”, Macintosh agreed.
“If I have to pick another apple, I´ll loose my mind,” Applejack said. “Or worse: if I have to attend another stupid Pinkie part…”
She suddenly saw Pinkie Pie appearing at the end of the road. The candy hued mare was wearing saddle bags filled with party invitations.
“Come on!” Applejack said.” Let´s hide!”
They snuck around to the other side of the house.
“And what are you looking so guilty about?”
It was Rarity come to visit them.
“Sch!” Rainbow Dash said. “We are trying to dodge a Pinkie party! Let´s go before she finds us!”
They galloped off into the garden. But they were spotted by Pinkie Pie.
“Yohoo! Party invitations coming up! We´re celebrating Cranky Doodles half way birthday! You´re all invited, and I won´t take no for an answer!”
The others accelerated into the apple trees. They ran mindlessly, with only one thought in their spheric heads: to avoid another Pinkie party. Suddenly they stopped, panting. They were standing in front of an ancient barn.
“I´ve never seen this barn before,” Applejack said. “Maybe we could hide inside?”
The door suddenly opened, and there was Granny Smith.
“Come in!” she whispered. “This is my secret, and now it´s yours too! Hurry!”
They entered and gave a silent “Wow!”. Inside the barn was a large, horse shoe shaped structure covered with dust. A control panel was in front of it. It looked decidedly alien. Granny Smith pushed one of the buttons, and the inside of the horseshoe turned into a watery surface.
“ Well, go on!” Granny Smith said.
And the others dived right in.
A few strange, multicolored seconds later they were all standing in a room full of flashing lights and ponies in tight uniforms. One of them, a completely hairless pony sitting in a large chair in the middle of the room, said:
“Intruders! Red alert!”
“Calm down, Captain Pickle!” Granny Smith said. “Don´t get your uniform in a twist, these are friends from a distant past! “
The hairless pony relaxed.
“Sorry,” she said. “I´m a little stressed out. So much to do. That´s why my hair has fallen out. I haven´t had a vacation in…”
“… lightyears, I know,” Granny finished the sentence. “Well, I brought you some ponies to help you out. Welcome to the spaceshop Enter Price, best prices in the quadrant! The gate you just passed through is my secret, high tech, quantum mechanic, futuristic way to cool merchandise and exciting shopping. It is a secret hoofed down to me through the generations.”
“So we are actually on a spaceship!” Rainbow Dash said.” I´ve always dreamed of that! Please, can I fly it?”
“Simmer down, you headstrong fillie,” Granny Smith said. “First of all, let me introduce you to the crew. “
There was Pickle, the hairless yellow earth pony who was the Captain. There was Oddity, an elegant but sad looking white mare whose speciality was customer psychology. There was Scooty from engineering, the burly Mr What? who was in charge of security and his sister Who?, the ship´s doctor. The first mate, Biker, was a blue pegasus with drooping wings and a jet black mane. They all looked kind but haggard.
“And who are your friends, Gay Nan?” The Captain asked.
“Gay Nan?”
Applejack looked at her grandmother.
“Well, in the future people are less bothered,” the old mare explained impatiently. “But they still need a bit of nannying every now and then, so I signed on as bartender of the ship´s lounge, One Backward. The customers sure like my cider! Certainly healthier than that blue romulan beer they used to drink before I came on board.”
“So that´s why we always run out of cider! Applejack said. If the Flim Flam brothers knew this…”
“Celestia´s tailwind, is that the time!”
Granny Smith… erh, Gay Nan realized she had to go on her bartender shift. So she asked Pickle, What? and Oddity to give the newcomers a tour of the ship.
When they left the bridge, they found themselves in the largest department store they had ever seen. It was full of shoppers from other planets and strange, exciting things to buy. The company split up. Oddity took Rarity to the clothes department. There were garments and fabrics more fantastic than anything the fashionista mare had ever seen. And it was selling fast.
“It must be so wonderful to work in a place like this!” Rarity exclaimed. ” I would never get tired of this!”
“Well, I am,” Oddity said. “My job is to read people´s minds to find out what they want to buy, and then make sure we have it in stock. It´s mind numbingly boring.”
“You can read minds?”
“Alas, yes. I´m from the planet Beat Juice, where everypony can do that. And we are all white with blue manes, like yourself in fact. I wanted to be a counsellor, but no one came to talk to me. They preferred Gay Nan, I guess. So I got this crappy job instead. Can you imagine what it´s like to read thoughts about clothes all day long? “
“Actually, I think I can.”
Meanwhile, Captain Pickle, Biker and What? had taken Applejack, Big Macintosh and Rainbow Dash to the food court for refreshments. What? looked longingly at a large basket of lovely red apples.
“Not while you´re on duty,” the Captain said. “You know how apples distract you.”
“What?”
“He´s a bit hard at hearing,” Pickle explained. “He doesn´t speak much nowadays. Frankly, I think he needs some time off. Relaxing on a farm would do him good. In fact, I wouldn´t mind that myself. Maybe my mane would grow back if I had some time to relax.”
“But you lead such exciting lives!” Rainbow Dash said. “Living on a space ship, how can you ever get tired of that?”
Suddenly the sound of an alarm pierced the recycled air.
“Oh no, not again!” Pickle sighed. “That means we are being boarded by space pirates. Mr What! Wake up, there are pirates again!”
“What?”
The reddish security pony looked around and spotted a gang of ponies dressed in ragged space suits entering near the toys. He sighed, then picked himself up and rushed towards them.
“Hooves up, or I shoot!” one of the pirates shouted and pointed a ray gun at What?
“What?”
“I said: hooves up, or I shoot! With this gun! Like this!”
The pirate fired a shot against the roof. There was a sucking sound as the air started to vent into space. All the customers screamed in panic. Captain Pickle raised the communicator attached to his hoof to his mouth and said: “Scooty! Come in, Scooty! There´s a breach in the hull! Get some of your stallions from engineering here to fix it before we all run out of air!”
“Mr What?!” Big Macintosh shouted.
They just saw the security officer disappearing into thin air – and it was really getting thin by now.
“Damn,” Pickle said. “The pirates beamed out and took What? with them. I guess we have to rescue him. I´ll take a shuttle.”
And as he and his first mate Biker ran through the flower shop towards the shuttle bay, Applejack, Macintosh and Rainbow Dash followed.
It was hard to fit the wings into the space suit, but Rainbow Dash had never felt so alive as when the shuttle left the USS Enter Price. Space was velvety black and studded with distant stars around them. Biker gratefully left the pilot´s seat and let Dash steer the shuttle for a while. She had an instinctive understanding about how to fly it. Who needed wings when there was space travel!
The pirate ship was in front of them, charging their weapons.
“They will fire at us in ten seconds!” Biker said. “What shall we do! The pirates! The pirates will kill us! The pirates…”
“Calm down!” Applejack said. “We have to transport back now or be vaporized!”
“But the pirates….”
“Mr Scooty!” Pickle shouted into his communicator. “Beam us over to the pirates at once! No, not the pirates, I mean beam us back… “
The last thing they heard over the com link was a voice saying:
“Ay, Captain. Beaming you all over to the pirates now!”
The next thing they knew, they were standing on a different bridge - a less tidy one - surrounded by heavily armed pirates. What? was sitting chained in a corner.
“What!” he exclaimed when he saw his crewmates.
One pirate hit him on the head with the butt of his gun and told him to be quiet.
“What?” he said numbly.
“Captain No Luck Pickle. We meet again!”
The leader of the pirates was a unicorn with an aluminum horn and a mane that looked like it had never seen a brush.
“Maybe you don´t remember me,” she continued. “I´m Can. You caught me shoplifting many years ago and sent me to a prison planet. But I got away, and by then I had a faithful crew to order around.”
The other pirates chuckled and shook their weapons.
“You are a criminal,” Pickle said. “What was I supposed to do? Invite you to tea?”
“That would have been nice. But I no longer care. All I want is to have my revenge, and I shall have it now!”
Can laughed satanically, and her crew of pirates laughed with her.
“So kill me then,” Pickle sighed. “My life is not worth much anyway. No mane. No free time. Shoot me now and be done with it.”
“Not so fast!” Can said. ”Just killing you is not enough. I also want your greatest asset, the one unique thing your shop ship has to offer. But first, I want you to suffer. And I know that you only suffer when your crew is suffering. Bring the prisoner!”
Two pirates dragged out What? in front of them. He was bruised and looked decidedly hungry. Can took out a large, perfect, shiny red apple and held it in front of What? His eyes lit up and he lunged forward at the beautiful apple. But his hooves were bound, and Can could easily hold the apple just out of his reach. What? fell flat on his face on the cold floor of the bridge.
“What?” the security officer mumbled into the steel floor. “What!”
Can held the apple out to him again. When he tried to reach it, it was again snatched away from him. The pirates laughed heartily.
“You cruel bastard!” Rainbow Dash said.
“Eeyup!” Big McItoshed agreed and stared angrily at Can.
Can juggled the apple in front of What? teasing him with it. Pickle couldn´t take it anymore.
“Stop it!” she cried in agony. “What do you want from me? New clothes, because the ones you´re wearing look a bit worn? Some colts of fillies from the prostitution department? Today´s till? Name your price, and I´ll give it to you!”
The answer came triumphantly:
“I want you to suffer, I want your entire supply of cider, and then I want your life!”
Applejack and her friends shared one look for just a nano second.
“That´s it. Now it´s personal! “she said.
Then they started to fight. Their hooves where everywhere. Punching. Knocking the unprepared pirate´s guns out of their hooves.
“Stop them!” Can shouted.” I must have my revenge! And my cider!”
Big Macintosh managed to unshackle What? and he joined in the fight. He swung bravely at the pirates. But there were too many of them. Soon Applejack and her friends found themselves on the floor, defeated.
“So you thought you could defeat me!” Can said. “Never!”
He took a big bite out of the beautiful apple. The pirates cheered and happily kicked their prisoners in the ribs.
“And now you die,” Can said. “I will take the cider after you are dead. Pirates, shoot them!”
As Applejack closed her eyes and prepared for death, she could hear the sound of a ray gun powering up. This is it, she thought. No more apples. But then she heard Granny Smith´s voice saying:
“Not so fast! You are bad ponies. I will spank your bottoms and you will never have my cider!”
And Applejack looked up just in time to see Granny Smith shooting a paralyzing webb of energy plasma, nailing Can and her pirates to the walls of the bridge. There they stuck like flies in treacle.
“You´re going back to the prison planet,” Pickle said to them. “So there!”
Then she turned to the old, green mare.
“Dear, dear Gay Nan. If you weren´t so wise and ancient, I would ask you to marry me. How did you manage to rescue us?”
“I saw that idiot Scooty make his mistake,” she answered. “Stupid engineer, beaming you to what was obviously the wrong place. That´s what you get for sticking to the chain of command! So I waited until he had to go to the Scooty loo, and then I assumed control of the transportation device. The rest was easy.”
When they all parted a few pints of cider and a hot shower later, it was with warm smiles and many hoof shakes.
“You be good now,” Gay Nan said to Applejack and winked. “Learn from Pickles mistakes. You too, Big Macintosh. And fly safely.”
She went through the horse shoe shaped portal with the ponies that accompanied her. Pickle had a cowboy hat on her head and a false mane stuck under it. What? had changed his uniform for a harness. Oddity smiled as she waved to Rarity. But Rarity was already in the clothes department doing her new job. Biker had died her mane in the colours of the rainbow, and Rainbow Dash had dyed her mane black. As the watery surface closed behind Granny Smith and her company, the ponies on the bridge looked at each other.
“Well, I guess it´s full speed ahead?” Applejack said and sat down into the big captains chair. “I´ll have to shave real soon again to keep looking like Captain Pickle, but until then: let´s do some space business!”
“Shall I take us to warp 3, Captain? Rainbow Dash said. There´s a sale at Deep Space Ten, but we can match their prices any day.”
Applejack smiled and answered:
“Make it so!”