What happens when the camera is not on your favorite colorful ponies?
Everyone knows what happens to your favorite ponies when they're on screen, but what are they doing behind the scenes?
A retelling of what happens off screen during every episode.
Teen for suggestions of drinking and possibly drugs. Also very random: you have been warned. I don't condone most of the behavior in this story, it's just for some laughs.
"So then... so then I said," Celestia stuttered, her eyes glazed over.
"Yeah, what'd ya say?" Granny Smith asked pouring herself another mug of cider.
"I said, well I said."
The hilarious punchline to the princess's story was interrupted by a stream of smoke entering the room and turning into a scroll before falling to the floor in front of the duo. Celestia let out an un-princess like hiccup then proceeded to open and read the scroll. As she scanned the paper, her eyes narrowed, and she rolled her eyes.
"Has it really been one-thousand years already? Oh well, better respond in a very vague and secretive way."
Celestia managed to scribble some words onto parchment while keeping it legible. Spike wan't the brightest of dragons.
"Where is the Summer Sun Celebration this year?" Celestia asked.
"Ponyville ah think,"
Celestia waived a hoof dismissively as she chugged down another mug, "No, no, that can't be it. Why in Equestria would I have it there?"
"Ah'm pretty sure it's in Ponyville."
"Eh, sure why not."
Celestia finished her letter and sent it back to Spike with her magic.
"Well, this has been fun, but duty calls." Granny saluted to Celestia before she teleported Granny Smith back to Sweet Apple Acres.
She kept the rest of the cider though.
You always keep the cider.
Pinkie went running down the streets of Ponyville like a bat out of Tartarus. She zipped past ponies faster that you could say 'cupcake'. She just met a new pony, and that means it's party time! But there is no time!
She started to slow down when she was near the center of town and scanned the shops looking for one in particular. Pinkie burst through the doors of that one particular shop she was looking for. It had clocks lining the walls, but Pinkie just walked right on up to the stallion behind the counter.
Pinkie looked him right in the eye, "Doctor, I need to borrow your TARDIS."
Celestia was backstage, waiting for her grand entrance. She was putting on a little extra make-up, especially under her eyes.
"Ponyville, why did I pick Ponyville? I must have been drunk," Celestia argued with herself, "yeah, I was drunk."
She finished preparing herself just in time for an erie fog to appear behind her. That fog then materialized into a tall dark alicorn.
"Well, well, well, Celestia, we meet again," Nightmare Moon said.
"Luna, please, stop this childish behavior."
"LUNA IS GON- are you drunk?"
Celestia started to sweat and look around the room nervously, "Maybe... but enough of this- FREEZE RAY!"
A magical beam shot out of Celestia's horn, but Nightmare Moon was able to dodge it.
"Celestia, I would have thought that by now you would have learned not to say a spell before you cast it. It gives your opponent time to dodge."
A darker beam of magic shot out of Nightmare Moon's horn and nailed Celestia square in the muzzle.
Celestia sat on the sun, only her thoughts to keep her company.
"At least she could have left me some cider," Celestia grumbled, "or some cards."
Celestia gave up and decided to take a nap, "Twilight will sort this all out. Hmm, maybe she will prove useful, I do so hate dealing with Equestria dooming scenarios."
A mint unicorn and a cream earth pony sat together on a bench, the former sipping a hayshake.
"Should we be worried, Lyra?" Bon Bon asked.
"Probably not, if I can keep getting these babies," Lyra pointed to her shake, "I don't see any cause for panic."
Bon Bon rolled her eyes and just settled to star gazing. The duo was perfectly content until a young earth pony colt ran up to them.
"Have you heard the news?" he asked.
"What news?"
"Vinyl Scratch is having a huge party, all of Ponyville is invited. It's outside of town hall, hurry it's going to start soon!"
The young colt ran away, and Lyra and Bon Bon looked at each other. They both shrugged their shoulders, got off the bench, and headed to town hall.
They got there just in time, Vinyl had just finished setting up her equipment, and turned on all of her lights. She had many lights of all different colors which pointed in all directions.
The white unicorn grabbed a microphone with her magic and brought it up to her muzzle, "Never ending night, do you know what that means?"
When Vinyl got no reply she answered, "THE PARTY WILL LAST FOREVER!"
Everypony cheered and Vinyl cranked up the volume. It was so loud, it probably could have been heard from the sun.
Celestia was woken up from her nap by the oddest of noises: very loud music. She looked in the direction on Equestria and saw lights moving in all different directions.
They were partying. During everlasting night. While the whole of Equestria was in danger.
"Note to self: when I get back, burn Ponyville to the ground."
"I'm glad you were all able to join us today for this inaugural meeting of C.R.A.B.S, or Creatures Recently Attacked By Smoke. Now, I know that all of you as well as I feel violated by this smoke, but this group is to help us overcome our feelings."
Sitting in a circle was a Manticore, Sea Serpent, trees, and a pile of rubble.
"I'd like to start, if that's alright, " the others nodded, "as you all know, I used to be a beautiful rocky ledge. I was cut and sculpted by nature. Grass covered my top, and I was perfectly content. Then that was all viciously ripped away from me. The smoke went deep into my core and shook me, causing cracks and splits. I eventually fell apart, and was reduced to this."
The Manticore wiped away some tears from the rubble.
"Thank you."
A tear stricken tree stood up, "For the security of our emotions, I say we re-convene the meeting tomorrow." All of the creatures agreed, and went their separate ways.
Princess Celestia woke up the next day with, you guessed it, a hangover. That was alright with her, she made some of her best decision while intoxicated. There was that one time... actually that didn't turn out that well.
Oh! But there was that one time... no that turned into a Griffin war. But having the Summer Sun Celebration in Ponyville surely was a good decision. Twilight now has friends, and Celestia no longer has to be the protector of Equestria! That calls for a celebratory drink.
She walked over to her dresser and opened one of the drawers. She levitated some glasses and a bottle of Brandy. While she was poring herself a glass, Celestia was glancing over some of the papers on her desk. One piece in particular caught her attention.
Burn Ponyville to the ground
Celestia facehoofed and threw the note in the garbage, "This is why I never make decisions sober."
While debating whether or not to dump the whole dresser in the trash, something shiny caught her eye. Celestia levitated the objects and brought them to her eyes, "Ooo! Pretty, pretty, shiny, shiny!"
She stared at the tickets until she realized the severe lack of alcohol in her system. She took a shot, which cleared her thoughts immensely, and remembered why those tickets were there. She was suppose to give them to Twilight and Spike, but she forgot.
Celestia levitated over a generic invitation to the Gala and the two tickets. She rolled the tickets and letter then sent it off to Spike.
Celestia left her room and walked down the hallway nearing her sister's room. She didn't bother to knock on the door, she just walked right in.
Luna jumped up at the sudden noise and fell out of her bed.
"Luna, you've go one-thousand years of drinking to catch up on. Don't worry, I'll help you."
"And that, Luna, is why you never make royal decisions while sober," Celestia concluded.
Luna's eyes widened and she nodded her head, "We understand now, Tia. We shall make sure we never do anything sober again."
Celestia raised her glass, "To being drunk!"
Luna raised her own glass, "To being drunk!"
The clicked their glasses together then chugged them down. Celestia, being the more experienced drinker, finished her glass before Luna. Celestia put down her glass when a familiar smoke appeared through the window and materialized into a scroll. She opened the letter and scanned the writing.
"That idiot, why didn't she just tell me that in the first place? See, Luna this is what I'm saying, I wrote that first letter while hungover. That's also not good. My judgement was impaired, I forgot to send tickets for her friends."
Celestia wrote some words onto another sheet of parchment, stuffed a few more tickets with it and send it all back to Spike.
"Oh, I do so hope they make the Gala interesting this year. Maybe I should spike the punch?"
Mooriella and Mooniqua were grazing in the field right outside of ponyville. It was their favorite pastime in-between mooing and sleeping.
"Not at all, Mooniqua, you look stunning!"
"Thanks girl, I want to make sure I look good just in case he happens to walk by," Mooniqua pointed to a rather muscular cow.
Mooriella laughed, "You look absolutely gorgeous! Anycow would be lucky to have you."
"Aww thanks."
The two best friends continued their afternoon graze.
"Is it me, or do you feel like we're being watched?" Mooriella said. Both cows turned and were met with a slimy, blob-like green creature with huge tentacles.
"SNAKE!! GIANT SNAKE!" Mooriella screamed.
The rest of the cows turned their heads, then formed a very orderly stampede straight towards Ponyville.
"Snake? How could they think I'm a snake? They could have at least called me a 'monster'," The green blob said.
Another, bigger blob came up behind the first.
"Jeremy, I'm sorry but you have failed your scaring final exam. Your subjects categorized you incorrectly, which results in immediate failure," said the bigger blob.
"No, no please! Let me try one more time!"
"I'm sorry, all exams are final. Now, prepare for your immediate death," The big blob then dislocated it's jaw and swallowed Jeremy whole.
A small burp came from the blob, "Snakes, such primitive creatures. We are far superior."
Big Mac was sitting on one of his favorite couches in the house. His side was still hurting, but not like before. He would probably be able to help out Applejack nearing the end of Applebuck season.
A sigh escaped his mouth, It's nice to take a break from work, maybe I should milk this a little longer. He closed his eyes and eventually drifted off to sleep.
This particular dream, however, was interesting.
Big Mac was standing on a pink fluffy cloud, the wind whipping through his now longer, fuller mane. He seemed to have gotten taller and more muscular. He looked like an angel carved out of heaven itself. He even bore a pair of bright red wings.
"Big Mac...," a soft voice called.
The stallion scanned the area in search of the mysterious voice.
"Big Mac..."
He whipped his head to see a beautiful mare standing on a cloud podium. Her beautiful rainbow mane dancing with the breeze. The mare's wings were spread wide and the sunlight hit her just right.
"Big Mac... come to me," Rainbow Dash beckoned.
"It's a dream come true... I will never leave your side Rainbow Dash!" Big Mac said before he galloped (slow motion of course) towards the pegasus.
Rainbow Dash turned and galloped, "Run with me Big Mac, run with me forever."
Gilda slammed the paper onto her kitchen table, the front page covered in claw scratches. She was fed up with ponies always spreading friendship and happiness. Now the stake had hit her right in the heart, for on the front page was the Elements of Harmony with Princess Celestia and the re-born Princess Luna.
Rainbow Dash, Gilda's old buddy back in flight school, was smack in the middle of the picture.
It was true they had grown apart since Dash started hanging around that weak yellow one.
"What was her name? Shutterfly maybe?" Gilda picked the paper back up out of curiosity.
Her name was in fact, Fluttershy, and upon being incorrect, Gilda threw the paper out of her window. The paper then proceeded to hit a pony in the head which eventually lead to the second great Pony-Griffon War.
Many ponies and griffon would die during those ten years. Foals would be left without parents, the only way to survive would be to fend off of the land.
Gilda did not realize what she had just inflicted upon her grandchildren, who would eventually become generals and lead the griffon race to their ultimate defeat. Her grandchildren would go down in history as the destroyers of the griffon race as they knew it. They would die honorably in battle however, never having children of their own causing the house of Gilda to cease.
"Maybe I can go mooch off some money from Dash."
And with that, Gilda made her way to Ponyville and effectively ended her family legacy all in the same day.
A huge pounding on the library door made Twilight wake up with a start. She looked out the window to see the moon in the middle of the sky and looked at the clock on her wall to reveal that it was, in fact, the middle of the night.
"Two-thirty, TWO-THIRTY! Why in all of Equestria is some idiot pony knocking..."
An even louder bang made Twilight jump and rethink her current rant.
"... BANGING on my door?"
Twilight made her way downstairs without laking in the colorful language department. Princess Celestia would be so proud.
Twilight opened the door to find nothing short of an angry mob complete with pitchforks and torches. In the front row was the mayor and about half a dozen cows.
In the second row was pitchfork wielding Princess Celestia.
"Princess Celestia?"
"Hello, Twilight Sparkle, I guess you've noticed my presence."
Twilight raised and eyebrow, "It was truly an effort I must tell you, you just blend in so well with your... pitchfork."
"Yes, well I pride myself in my camouflage. All of Equestria almost crumbled to pieces while me and Luna were playing hide and seek. I had to hide in the vegetable cabinet, but it was all worth it."
The mayor and some cows cleared their throats.
"Oh, yes back to business," Princess Celestia reminded herself, "Twilight Sparkle, although I am extremely proud of your colorful language-"
Twilight cut her off, "Wait, how could you have heard that?"
Celestia chuckled, "Twilight, you mean to tell me you've lived three doors down from me for ten years and you never noticed I was a vampire?"
The whole angry mob burst into laughter. Some shouts of, "Wow, what a stupid idiot!" and "I though she was suppose to be the smart one!" echoed in Twilight's ears.
It was about that moment when Spike came into the picture. He rubbed his eyes with one claw and gripped a plush of Rarity in the other.
"What's going on out here?" he asked.
"Twilight didn't know I am a vampire," Celestia stated.
Spike blinked then fell to the floor in laughter, "Oh, that is rich!"
"SPIKE! How did you know?!"
"It's so obvious!"
"Actually its not! How can you make me believe you are a vampire? They can't even go out in the sun, let alone lift it everyday! You eat food, you have normal teeth, I've never seen you turn into a bat!"
"Alright Ms. Thinks She Knows Everything About Vampires, that is the fictional version of vampires. We vampires would never put down our actual weaknesses and strengths in stories, that would be just silly."
"Hey what about that one author? She completely gave your secrets to all the world!" one pony yelled from the back of the crowd.
Celestia's mood went instantly dark, "Oh yes, Stephanie Marer... the devil herself. She was a disgrace to our kind, luckily she was taken care of shortly after her fourth book."
"You mean to tell me everything in those burnable books is true?"
The whole mob answered with one big 'Yes', and Twilight couldn't help but facehoof.
"Wait! I've still found a flaw in your secret plans! How could you possibly go outside in the sunlight if you would glisten? HA, beat that reasoning!"
"Twilight."
"Yes?"
"Twilight."
"Yes?"
"Twilight."
"WHAT!"
Celestia pointed to her horn, "Twilight, I'm an all powerful alicorn. Do you think that in my over a thousand years of life that i didn't come up with a spell to cover up my sparkling body? In the olden days when my subjects didn't know my secret the spell was very useful. Even though now all of my subjects know of my true heritage, it is just easier to not attract as much attention. It's hard enough to go out in public as a princess, but as a sparkling princess? I'm surprised there's not a sparkling Princess Celestia toy yet."
"Well, this has been fun, but I'm going back to bed. Maybe this will all make sense in the morning."
"Oh, Twilight, before you do, take these," Celestia levitated two pieces of paper over to Twilight who grabbed them with a hoof and began reading them.
Her eyes began to widen, "A court summons?!"
"Read the other one."
Twilight shuffled the papers, "TWO COURT SUMMONS? Destruction of town property and.... sexual assault?"
The mayor then stepped forward and cleared her throat, "Yes, Ms. Sparkle, after your little incident with the Ursa Minor, Ponyville is left without a water supply or water tower. Ponies will be forced to use the river for all their water needs, and within two days I know somepony is going to murder another."
"You do realized I saved the town though."
"Don't concern yourself with the numbers, Ms. Sparkle."
"And the assault comes from us," the alpha cow stated, " we did not appreciate the little stunt you did with the water tower tonight. Some of the girls had a mental breakdown."
"Well, Ms. Sparkle, we'll see you in court five days from now. Have a good night."
The mob began to disperse until there was nobody left. They all left their burnt out torches though, but Twilight would deal with those tomorrow.
Spike yawned, picked his plush Rarity off of the floor, and headed for bed. Twilight stopped him when he was halfway up the stairs.
"Princess Celestia isn't a vampire is she?"
"Of course not."
They both crawled into bed to catch up on some much needed sleep, but before Spike drifted off he whispered, "But I'm five bits richer."
Princess Celestia was walking down one of the many halls of Canterlot Castle when she stopped to look out a window. She noticed a bit of smoke beginning to move towards Ponyville. A devilishly wide grin began to form on her face.
"I'd know that smoke anywhere. Perfect."
She bolted to her private quarters and when she got there she grabbed a quill and parchment. She quickly scribbled a letter,
Dear Twilight,
Do not fear the smoke that is slowly spreading across your town. It is not a fire, but a sleeping dragon. Do not be alarmed, it is probably harmless, but I do suggest you and your friends take care of the problem quickly. Politely asking it to leave should work, just don't let Rarity near the gems.
Your eternal radical awesome mentor and supreme overlord,
Princess Celestia
Dear Diary,
Today I kicked a dragon in the face, BOOYA! He was huge, but I didn't care! I'm the incredible Rainbow Dash, best flyer in Equestria. Point Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash Equestria
1,215 7
See ya on the flip side, Rainbow Dash
Update: I accidentally got just a teensy bit scared by Pinkie Pie. In my defense, she makes a really good dragon roar.
Rainbow Dash Pinkie Pie
3 1,344,798
(It's only a matter of time before I catch up)
Dear Diary,
Today was just a wonderful day. I was feeding Angel Bunny and noticed a really odd smoke coming from a mountain. It ended up being a huge scary dragon! I was so frightened, but I knew my friends needed me, so I stood up to the dragon and saved the town!
I was even braver than Rainbow Dash!
Fluttershy Rainbow Dash
1 38 37
yay!
Fluttershy
Princess Celestia walked up and down the rows of armed pegasus guards
"You all understand your mission?"
"MA''AM YES MA'AM."
"Good, now go. This is very important, do not be careless."
The guards nodded and took flight towards Ponyville.
One of the higher ranking guards walked over to Celestia, "Princess, if you don't mind me asking, what exactly is the overall objective of this mission?"
"I'm glad you asked, Lieutenant, a dragon was recently staying in this mountain and was so generously driven away by my student and her friends. Now, the dragon left so abruptly and did not have time to take any of his hoard. I think you can see where I'm going with this."
The pony nodded, "But wouldn't he eventually return to claim what is his?"
Celestia chuckled, "Oh, don't worry, that dragon was captured just inside the norther border of Equestria. He didn't have any papers, so our armed guards have placed him under arrest. He'll be deported to the Dragon Kingdom within a week."
"Oh, alright then. I guess that seems fair."
"Well, over the years I've realized I shouldn't be killing creatures just for jumping the border. And oddly enough it was the same year I discover the wonders of booze."
