What if, in an alternate, magicless world, Twilight was a delusional hobo, imagining her magical adventures? That burning question is answered.
What if, in an alternate, magicless world, Twilight was a delusional hobo, imagining her magical adventures?
Twilight is a vagrant, living on the streets of a bleak city, but she doesn't let it bother her. Unfortunately, that's because she's not fully aware of her surroundings. This leads to some rather unusual and uncomfortable conversations with others.
Twilight makes an epic adventure from Canterlot (a spot under a random bridge) to Ponyville (a city park) at the request of Princess Celestia (a police officer) to make some friends.
In this world, there is no magic, no unicorns, and no pegasi except in Twilight's mind and in folklore; every pony is an earth pony. The story is, perhaps unadvisedly, played mostly straight.
A brackish rain fell over a dreary city. Water rushed down a concrete-lined canal swirling with debris and branches, and near the edge of the murky water, a police pony plodded along his patrol route. Rivulets of water streamed down his standard issue black raincoat, and he shifted uncomfortably as he felt the rain slowly soaking through the worn material. Of all days for a routine patrol, and of all routes to take, this was far from his favorite. His “buddies” down at the station had gotten everypony to draw straws for this route, and he was the unlucky winner.
In the distance, the flickering of firelight under a bridge reminded him why he hated to patrol this area. Street ponies of all sorts liked to hang under the many bridges criss-crossing the channel. Not that he disliked them—though he certainly did not relish his time with them either—but he was there to enforce the rules, and having to repeatedly enforce city ordinances and force the homeless to move along tended to wear on him. They didn't do near enough harm for the amount of trouble it took to repeatedly clear them out, especially since it was ultimately pointless. Nopony except the homeless and small-time gangs spent much time down in the canals, what with the complete lack of vegetation and the sludge-filled water, so they could have had the run of them for all he cared. Alas, he was not a lawmaker.
As he neared the bridge and braced himself for what was to come, the police pony heard the barking of a small dog. He saw it scampering around a pony wrapped in various rags, focused on something lying on the ground. Several unidentifiable piles surrounded the unknown pony. The police pony could hear a voice faintly, seemingly addressed towards the dog. As he got closer, he managed to catch some of the words.
“Oh, Spike, you know we don't have time for that sort of thing!” Well, at the very least, the police pony was able to confirm that the unidentified pony was female.
“Urf!” the dog replied, sounding a bit hurt. The officer got near enough to tell that the dog was grasping a torn teddy bear in its teeth and prancing back and forth as if it wanted to play.
The mysterious pony seemed to not catch the hint, digging through her piles. The police pony was finally close enough to be able to tell that they were stacks and stacks of books, piled in various dry places on the concrete under the bridge. The area was lit by a single burning barrel. Several other ponies clad in rags had been sitting near the barrel, but they clearly had been staying some distance away from the pony with the dog. However, upon spying a constable approaching, they had already begun to collect their belongings and creep out the opposite side of the bridge. They evidently did not feel like a conflict today. The police pony sighed with some relief. He would only have to convince the pony with the dog to leave, though she still hadn't noticed him approaching.
“No, no, no, no no no!” she muttered to herself. Suddenly, she raised her head and yelled in exasperation, “Spiiiike!” The last of the startled vagrants quickly scampered out from under the bridge and vanished into the rain.
“Arf!” The dog, apparently named Spike, had abandoned his efforts with the bear and stood happily panting with his front paws upon a hefty volume behind the pony. She turned around to face her pet, giving the officer his first glimpse at her face.
The police pony was startled by a particularly pointy feature on the mare's face. She seemed to have a paper cone attached to the front of her head, like a horn—like the horn of a mythical unicorn, in fact. Funny, he thought, that his daughter had just recently been asking for unicorn dolls. It seemed like a whimsical thing that a child might wish for, similar to imagining being a princess. How odd that this adult pony would be wearing something like that.
She quickly whipped the book out from under the dog with an “ah!” She seemed pleased with the find. She flipped through the pages as Spike shook his head and hopped back to his paws. “Elements, elements, e, e, e...aha! Elements of Harmony...see Mare in the Moon?”
The officer was quite close now, having made it under the protective shelter of the bridge. He quickly shook the majority of the water off before approaching one of the stacks of books and curiously reading some of the bindings. It looked like they were mostly moldy, discarded books that ponies had abandoned, ranging from thrillers to almanacs. Many were water damaged or torn, which was likely an occupational hazard for a book living on the streets. This pony must have been amassing them for some time to obtain such a collection.
The police pony stopped perusing the stacks to find that the mare had still not noticed his presence and was still reading from her book. “Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape, and she will bring about nighttime eternal!” She gasped and whirled around, looking at the dog, which had curled up comfortably on a rather large atlas. “Spike, do you know what this means?” Spike merely yawned widely as she trotted over to him.
While he edged even closer, the police pony took a look at the book the unknown pony had been reading. It appeared to be a book of pony tales, like those he would read to his daughter. He sighed. He might be dealing with an unusual case, to put it lightly.
Her next action certainly did nothing to reassure the beleaguered officer. “Take a note, please! To the princess,” she announced to the dog while hoofing over a blank sheet of paper. Spike promptly began gnawing on the sheet, but she seemed not to notice. She stepped a few paces away and proudly began dictating...to a dog gnawing on an old scrap of paper under a bridge.
“My dearest teacher, my continuing studies of pony magic have lead me to discover that we are on the precipice of disaster!”
The police pony had been preparing to interrupt, but he paused a moment at that. Magic, eh? He definitely was dealing with a basket-case.
“Urf. Arf!” The dog had temporarily relinquished his hold on the sheet. The mare seemed to take note of it this time, at least until she spoke again.
“Threshold.” There was a beat in which the dog looked up at her curiously, tilting his head. “Uh, Brink?” A blank stare from the dog. “Ugh! That something really bad is about to happen!” Spike chewed with renewed vigor at the poor, tattered paper, as the mare rambled about nightmares and prophesies. The police pony tuned most of it out until the end. “I await your quick response. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.”
The officer almost sprained something muffling the laugh that threatened to spew forth at the mention of the mare's name. What kind of name was that? Twilight Sparkle? Did she think she was some sort of “fairy princess” or something, holding conference with her fellow princesses?
“Bark!”
“Great! Send it.” Spike seemed not to get the message.
“Urf?”
“Of course!”
“Wuff?”
“That's just it, Spike! The day after tomorrow is the thousandth year of the Summer Sun Celebration! It's imperative that the princess is told right away!”
“Bark? Yip?”
“IMPORTANT!”
“Rrrrf.” Spike promptly gobbled up the remnants of the sheet.
How that was supposed to send the paper in a form anypony would ever be willing to read was beyond the baffled officer. This whole scenario was beyond his pay grade for sure. Ok, he thought. All I need to do is gently tell her that she can't stay here and I'll just finish up my beat and go home. He braced himself for the bizarre conversation that he was afraid would follow, but Twilight was continuing her “conversation” with Spike.
“Oh, I'm not worried, Spike. The princess trusts me completely. In all the years she's been my mentor, she's never once doubted me.”
Spike then regurgitated the remains of the paper on the ground in front of Twilight, along with what looked like pieces of squirrel, apparently to her satisfaction. “See? I knew she would want to take immediate action!”
That was just about the last straw for the poor officer. He decided to get things over with and to get out of there as soon as possible. He was already pining for a sane, quiet meal with his family. He cleared his throat.
“Excuse me, ma'am, metro police. I'm sorry to, um, interrupt you...” She looked off proudly into the distance, and he wasn't sure if she was listening or not.
“But you simply cannot stay here. No loitering along the riverwalk. City ordinance, you know. I apologize for the inconvenience, but I can give you the time to pack your books.” She gave a large gasp, so he assumed he might be getting through. “I might recommend a homeless shelter or maybe a nearby park. I'm sure you can meet up with some of your, uh, friends, there.” Of course, the police didn't really like all of the homeless sleeping on park benches, either, but it transferred his problem onto another cop's turf, so it was a solution for him.
To his surprise, while Twilight seemed to continue to ignore his presence, she sighed and began stacking the books together and putting them into bags. He sighed with relief and moved on as soon as she began to load the books into a ramshackle cart, chatting to Spike about seemingly random things the entire time. Maybe he should have stayed longer, but he was done for the day. It was time for a warm meal out of the rain and the crazy. At least I have an interesting story to tell the fellas back at the station, he thought as the mysterious mare faded into the curtains of rain behind him.
A shabby, dull purple pony with a cone tied to the front of her head pulled a lopsided cart covered with a dirty tarp into the entrance of a city park. The rain had finally abated, but the sky remained grimly overcast. City dwellers had gotten used to the perpetual smog overhead. For them, if they wanted sunshine, they would have to make a trip to the countryside, as the park itself was only mildly more pleasant than the surrounding streets. Grey foliage grew everywhere, and except in the main park thoroughfares it was left to go wild, leaving entire areas of the park as tangles of brambles and shrubs. Still, despite the bleakness, it was one of the few places in the city that one could even get a taste of nature, and youngsters and adults alike visited the park from time to time. Immediately after a rainfall, the vicinity was relatively quiet save for the purple pony lecturing her happily oblivious dog.
“—but the fate of Equestria does not rest on me making friends!” Twilight hauled the cart a fair distance from the main path into a side clearing. After unhitching herself, she happily turned to the cart. “Thank you, sirs!” The cart failed to respond in kind because it was an inanimate object.
Meanwhile, several yards away, a group of five friends was walking down the path, thinking they had the park to themselves.
“I dunno, Dash, it just don't seem right. In fact, I know it ain't. How come you need to copy my homework, anyway? We had plenty of time on that last assignment. I bet you were spending all your time practicing on the field instead of doin' your work!” An orange pony wearing an out-of-place stetson and plaid shirt stamped a hoof in frustration at one of her companions.
A pony with a cyan hoodie, rainbow-colored cloth hoofbands, and a garishly dyed rainbow mane rolled her eyes. “Oh, come ON, AJ! What's more important: schoolwork or working towards your dream? I'm going to be a super-awesome famous athlete one day, but I can't do it with all this lame homework keeping me from practicing!”
A white pony wearing a slim-cut, highly stylish coat, fuzz-lined rain boots, and a sizable but undoubtedly fashionable pair of saddlebags tossed her hair casually and said, “Darling, I too wish that the school system emphasized more trade skills instead of pure academia, but that doesn't mean you can just skip out of doing your assignments. However, I suppose that just this once I could—”
“Ugh! Rachel, I'm not talking about sewing or knitting or anything like that! I just want to be able to train in peace! I don't care about the egghead stuff, and I don't care about other 'trade skills' either. I just want to train.” She paused for a moment. “And to nap, I guess. Oh, and to hang with you guys, too.”
AJ sarcastically replied, “Well, thank goodness we're included in that list. Glad to know we rank alongside yer precious naps.”
A pink pony with a mess of a curly mane and a similarly frizzy sweater trotted happily in front of the group, cheerfully ignoring the mild tensions behind her. “Yeah, I know what you mean! Naps are super-duper important! Especially when you're tired!”
Dash facehoofed. “Diane, that's not what I meant—”
“Ahem. Dash, if you weren't so busy being difficult, you would have noticed that I was making you an offer. Just this once, you can copy my homework.” Rachel stood proudly, as if she was making a noble sacrifice for the cause.
“Wow, thanks, Rachel! I appreciate it! At least somepony is being generous today.” Dash glowered at AJ, who directed her frustrations at Rachel.
“Dag-nabbit, you know she's just gonna do it again if we keep helping her like this!”
“Now, now, AJ, Dash hasn't done this that often, and this assignment is important!”
A quiet voice timidly piped up. “Um, everypony...”
Rachel turned to a yellow pony with a pink mane, dressed in a rather conservative and unassuming sweater. “Yes, Fiona, darling?”
Fiona quietly said, “I, um, I think...I think that it...sorry, but I agree with AJ. It doesn't seem right. We would be breaking the rules. The teacher did say not to copy...”
Dash facehoofed again and groaned. “Fiona—”
She stopped when she noticed that Diane, who had been happily oblivious of the growing argument as she led the group, had come to a dead stop in front of them, and for good reason. In the path in front of them, a filthy purple mare dressed in rags and with a ridiculous paper horn on her head stood almost nose-to-nose with Diane. A dog at her side yipped once excitedly.
“Uh, hello?” the mysterious vagrant offered hesitantly.
Diane was suddenly released from her self-imposed paralysis and gasped in startled surprise before making a hasty retreat. The rest of her friends followed suit until they were all almost out of sight of the purple pony. They all eyed her nervously as she stood unmoving, seemingly perplexed.
“Consarn it, Diane! What did we all run for? Just because she appeared out of nowhere and scared us—”
“I totally wasn't scared,” interjected Dash. AJ ignored her.
“—she's probably not dangerous! Maybe she wanted directions! You're the most friendly pony I've ever met, too! I thought you would've been all over meetin' a new friend.”
“You're right, AJ! I just got a big jump, and I twitched all over, and I just didn't know what to do, so I ran! You know how it is.”
“With you, sugarcube, I never know how it is. Still, I'll try to make peace with her and see what she wants. It would be rude ta just run off and ignore her.”
“Sounds good to me, AJ! We'll all be waaay back here supporting you!” AJ focused a devastating glare at Dash. “What? It's not like I'm scared, she just probably smells or something!”
AJ confidently advanced towards the purple pony as Rachel soundly chastised Dash for being inconsiderate and rude. As her friends' voices faded behind her, AJ saw the purple pony start to walk forward as well, looking at the dog happily trotting by her side.
“Hey there!” AJ called out. The pony jumped before sighing and looking disgruntled.
“Let's get this over with,” AJ heard the pony mutter to herself as they neared each other. As they reached a comfortable conversation distance, the pony composed herself and presented a winning smile.
“Good afternoon. My name is Twilight Sparkle.” She announced proudly.
AJ almost exploded into laughter at the unexpected name, but managed to remember her manners and plastered on a friendly demeanor. She offered Twilight a firm hoofshake. “Howdy, miss...Twilight. A pleasure to make your acquaintance. I'm AJ. We—ah mean, me and my friends—”
Although AJ had already finished the hoofshake, Twilight's hoof remained comically wobbling in front of her, and she seemed a bit out-of-sorts from the hoofshake. AJ hadn't thought she had THAT strong of a grip.
Twilight uttered a confused “Friends? Actually, I...” and trailed off.
AJ waited awkwardly for a moment. “So...what can I do ya for?”
Twilight composed herself again and stood importantly. “Ahem. Well, I am in fact here to supervise preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration. And you're in charge of the food?”
A bamboozled AJ just stared blankly for a moment. This pony clearly was missing something. Summer Sun Celebration? AJ had never heard of such a thing, and a pony like the one in front of her was unlikely to be here to supervise anything in an official capacity, though she couldn't decide if it was more because Twilight didn't look much older than her, or because the mare looked like she had just stepped out of a landfill. Maybe she should just play along? Maybe Twilight was just hungry, and this was her unusual way of asking for food. AJ supposed there were stranger ways. She had the leftovers of her lunch with her, and she didn't mind giving some food for the good of a stranger.
“Uh, sure? Would you care ta sample some of the, uh, food?”
“Ah, as long as it doesn't take too long.”
AJ was surprised by the lack of enthusiasm, but pushed forward, reaching into a pocket and pulling out an apple and a small wrapped bundle. “Heh. Soup's on, I guess. Here ya go. Hope ya like apples, cause my family tends ta favor em, see.”
Twilight seemed uninterested. “Thanks, but I really need to hurry.”
Getting uncomfortable, AJ decided to just push onward. Why was this pony, who had come to her with a question, in a hurry to leave? “The package's an apple fritter, and that there's a Granny Smith. Ah can eat dinner later with mah family, so you can have these.”
Twilight inexplicably spewed a fountain of spit to the side before chuckling awkwardly. “Ok, well, I can see the food situation is handled, so we'll be on our way.”
AJ was beyond words at this point. Fortunately, the dog was not.
“Arf!” It looked up at the food plaintively.
Twilight turned apologetically to the dog. “Sorry, but we have an awful lot to do...”
The dog engaged beg mode, radiating maximum pitifulness.
Twilight sighed and grabbed the still-extended food offering from AJ's hoof. “Fine.”
“All...righty...then?” AJ hastily retreated back to her friends as Twilight dug into the food.
“So what did she have to say, AJ?” Dash chuckled at her friend's apparent confusion as she trotted back to the group.
“Ah think she wanted food, but Ah've never encountered a pony that asks like she did. Ah hate ta say it, but it's like she's living in her own world or somethin'. Says her name's Twilight, which seems kinda weird ta me, and ya can tell by that horn thing that somethin's odd.”
“So you gave her your food? AJ, dear, that was very kind of you. Just make sure you don't go hungry yourself.” Rachel looked towards AJ with mild concern.
“Naw, I had plenty ta eat earlier today. I'm sure I can last till dinner. Anyhow, I think we should leave her be. She seemed in a hurry—hey Dash, what do ya think you're doin?”
Dash had broke off from the group and was accelerating towards Twilight, from a trot to a canter. “AJ, I can't let you have all the fun! This pony sounds like a bunch of laughs! I'm going to go talk to her.”
“Dash, ah swear, if you make fun of that poor pony, I'm gonna tan your hide!”
“I agree with AJ, Dash! Don't antagonize her!” Rachel called after her.
Fiona quietly added, “Let's all be nice...”
Diane was temporarily distracted by a cluster of flowers and did not contribute to the conversation.
“Don't worry, guys, I'm not gonna do anything bad!” Dash called back at them. Unfortunately, she had continued to accelerate as she looked behind her, and when she returned her gaze forward she found herself closer to Twilight than she had expected.
Dash attempted to skid to a stop in front of Twilight. Unfortunately, while Dash was very skilled at going fast, she was less skilled at stopping fast, unless stopping involved high-speed collisions. She had plenty of experience with those.
The still-muddy ground under Dash's hooves turned into a slick, near-frictionless conveyor that sent her sailing into Twilight and caused them to both tumble into a nearby puddle.
Dash, who had landed on top, had been spared the worst of the splash. She hopped off, laughing. “Uhh...'scuse me? Heh heh. Lemme help you.” She pulled out a water bottle and a small towel from the pockets of her hoodie, and then poured a rather large portion of water onto one end of the towel. She helped Twilight up and wiped off a portion of mud from her side and mane. Unfortunately, the towel was more wet than Dash had intended, leaving a large damp patch on Twilight's side and her mane sopping. Twilight was unamused.
“Oops, I guess I overdid it. Um, uh, how 'bout this?” She scrubbed vigorously with the dry end of the towel before stepping back and announcing, “No, no, don't thank me. You're quite welcome.” She then bothered to actually look at the product of her efforts.
A slightly cleaner, slightly drier, but no less ridiculous looking Twilight stood before her, with her mane completely tangled from the toweling. Her paper horn remained on her forehead but was slightly crumpled, and her ragged clothing, while relieved of the worst of the tumble, was still flecked with mud.
Instead of apologizing, Dash couldn't help but be amused. She erupted into laughter and was so overcome that she rolled on the ground, chuckling. The dog frolicked excitedly around her.
“Let me guess. You're Rainbow Dash.” Twilight remained serious.
Dash was merely a nickname, but Dash very much liked it and went by it whenever possible so she could ignore her boring and uncool given name, which she purposefully refused to think about at that moment. However, despite her affinity for dying her mane into an imitation of the visible spectrum, she had not considered incorporating “rainbow” into her name. The idea was AWESOME. It evoked...well, it evoked something that would require many boring words to analyze and explain, but Dash's gut feeling was all she needed. Whoever this pony was, she must have good taste to immediately guess and even improve upon Dash's awesome nickname. She reacted with her classic lack of tact or humbleness.
“THE one and only! Why, you heard of me?”
Twilight looked at her indignantly. “I heard you're supposed to be keeping the sky clear.” She sighed, attempting to regain her composure, while Dash looked at her, confused. “I'm Twilight Sparkle and the Princess sent me to check on the weather.”
Dash was too busy attempting to process the implications of the fact that this pony expected her to somehow control the weather to notice the mention of a princess. She was supposed to keep the sky clear? She tried to imagine how that would even work. Regardless, she wasn't one to back down from overconfidently bragging about her abilities, and since this strange pony thought she could do something impossible, she would bravely … pretend she could do that thing. All she had to do was think of an excuse of why she couldn't at that moment.
Dash waved a hoof casually. “Yeah, yeah, that'll be a snap. I'll do it in a jiffy—just as soon as I'm done practicing.”
“Practicing for what?”
Dash drew from her own lofty aspirations. “The Wonderbolts! They're gonna play in the Equestrian Cup tomorrow and they're gonna win! One day, I'll show em my stuff and get on the team!”
“That's—wha-huh? What? They're a hoofball team! What?” Dash went from posing proudly to eying Twilight confusedly.
Twilight seemed to ignore Dash's confusion, instead rolling her eyes and saying, “Pfft. Please, they'd never accept a pegasus who can't keep the sky clear for one measly day!”
Now Twilight was back to the weather manipulation shenanigans, which sort of explained her Wonderbolts comment if Dash didn't think too hard about it. She seemed to really be expecting the impossible of Dash. Well, if the impossible was what she wanted, the impossible was what she was going to get. It was bluffing time!
“Hey, I could clear this sky in ten seconds flat!” Dash silently added if I had a really, really, really big fan to the end of the sentence in her head.
Twilight narrowed her eyes in a fiendish smile. “Prove it.”
Dash gulped. Her last bluff had put her in a bit of a bind. She looked up at the low clouds above, willing them to part in an a random act of good fortune. To her surprise, it appeared her luck was indeed with her, as a large hole in the cloud cover was slowly approaching from the west. Her smile grew increasingly cocky as the sun slid over the wet ground and the two ponies below.
“Wha'd I say? Ten. Seconds. Flat. I'd never leave a pony hanging.” Dash watched with amusement as Twilight's jaw dropped in amazement, and she decided that it was time to cash in before her luck ran out. She figured she could make a quick exit while the other pony was stunned by the apparent “miracle” they had just witnessed. She laughed, half at Twilight's slack-jawed expression and half in nervousness as she prepared to dash away. “You should see the look on your face. You're a laugh, Twilight Sparkle. I can't wait to hang out some more!”
True to her name, Dash sped away in a rainbow blur as Spike barked happily after her. Twilight's surprised expression remained for a moment before lapsing into mild irritation as she walked away towards an overgrown gazebo further in the park, Spike trotting along behind her.
Dash skidded to a stop in front of her friends, who had seated themselves on a pair of benches several yards from Dash's conversation with Twilight. AJ immediately jumped to her hooves.
“What in tarnation did you say to that mare, Dash? She looked downright flabbergasted!”
Dash flinched at the sudden accusation. “Nothing! I didn't say anything mean or anything like that. I did, maybe, kinda, um, imply that I could control the weather though.” She quickly tried to quell AJ's objections by saying, “But it was totally her idea that I could, and I didn't want to look stupid, so I decided to wing it.”
“You didn't wanna look stupid, so you claimed you could make it rain whenever you wanted or something? That don't sound smart ta me, and you lied anyhow.”
“Well, it made sense at the time, ok?” Dash snorted. “Anyway, it wasn't about making it rain, it was about clearing the clouds—”
Rachel stepped forward, cutting off Dash. “As much as I would love to listen to you two argue about how rude Dash's actions were, and while they were undoubtedly quite rude—”
“Hey!”
“—I think that the real issue at hoof here is that poor mare's dreadful condition. She clearly does not have full control of her faculties, and therefore she does not seem to be taking proper care of herself. I think we have a duty to help her instead of bickering.”
“We were not bickering, Rachel! I'm just sick and tired of Dash being so darn full of herself all the time,” AJ replied heatedly. She turned to Dash. “Would it kill ya to admit that you can't do something for once?”
Dash was still on the defensive. “Come on, AJ, she thought I could clear the clouds! Plus, she called me Rainbow Dash, which is twice as awesome as just Dash! I didn't want to let down such big expectations.” Dash's eyes glazed over and she stared into the distance. “Maybe you should just call me Rainbow. That kind of sounds cool too.”
AJ rolled her eyes and sighed before turning away from the rainbow-obsessed mare. “You're hopeless. Anyhow, Rachel, you're right, Twilight could stand for a little help. But how do you think we can do anything?”
Rachel pulled out a bolt of cloth from her saddlebags. “Why, my dear, I always come prepared for fashion emergencies! The first thing we can do is clean her up and get her warm and dry, all while making her fabulous in the process! I do love a challenge, after all.”
AJ watched across the nearby clearing as the purple pony approached a run-down gazebo. Even from such a distance, Twilight's ramshackle state was obvious. Rachel was certainly going to have her work cut out for her.