Where Nopony Knows Your Name
I slammed back the shot and set the glass down next to its brothers. It was smooth and somewhat refreshing; but then it was only partly whiskey, after all. The bartender was a real nice guy; he always made sure you drank enough water.
Hoofer's Place was a cheap bar under an overpass in Manehatten. By pony standards, it was a dive; a New Yorker, on the other hand, would feel perfectly fine bringing his kids here. Whole city is like that, really. Every part is clean, even the poor streets. Ever heard of a clean city? That's why I like Hoofer's: its the closest this city comes to dirty. Well, that and its one of the few places you can get whiskey. Ponies prefer cider or wine or anything else you can make from fruit.
The crowd matched the joint. Worn without being dirty. The ponies here act rough, but I've never seen a single fight. The waitress was a mature mare with tired purple eyes and a blonde mane-bun. A guy might flirt with her if he was drunk enough, but its hard to get drunk on the stuff here.
I was doing my usual night-off routine of trying to get drunk and failing. I don't mind failing; it keeps me out of trouble. A decent tune was playing on the jukebox, some local mare's torch song. I decided to take break from drinking, and lit up a clove. You can smoke almost anywhere in Equestria; they have smoking, but its is so rare its treated more like a novelty than a habit.
I was leaning back in my chair, blowing smoke at the ceiling and soaking in the warmth of my drinks when I noticed this earth pony mare walking in. Tan coat and a red-pink mane done up in a big bouffant, with a ridiculous pair of pointy-eyed sunglasses perched on it. Her light brown eyes were heavily made-up. A pair of cheap green earrings finished off the look. All in all, it was nice and trashy. You don't get to see too many mares like that. I gave her a once-over, like a fella will, and turned my attention back to enjoying music and smoking.
I was surprised when the mare hopped into the seat next to me. Literally, since I was sitting at the only human-sized table in the joint. She waved a hoof at the bartender, then took a look at all the empty shots in front of me.
"Looks like you got a solid head start." Her voice was rough. I couldn't imagine her having any trouble screaming.
"Nuts. Considering the water-to-whiskey ratio here, its more like I'm catching up." I gave her one of my lopsided grins.
That got me a smile before she gave her order to the just-arriving bartender. "I'll take a couple of what he's having."
"Hope you're thirsty," I said when he walked away. "I wasn't kidding about the water."
"If the drinks are so lousy, why keep buying them?"
I waved my hand at the glasses. "Gives me a sense of accomplishment when I see them piled up like this."
She laughed; it was this crackling, unrestrained Rosanne laugh. It felt good to hear it. "What's your name?"
"Walter Smith. And no I'm not an actual smith." The second part was pure habit. Some ponies still don't quite understand how human names work. "What's yours?"
"Big Wig. What brings you over to this part of town? Not many humans around here."
I paused while the bartender brought her the drinks. Don't ask me what his name is; I've been coming here for months and I've never bothered to find out if its actually Hoofer. "That's exactly why I'm here. Why go to Equestria just to hang around other humans?" I flicked my ash into a glass, there being no ashtray. Out of habit, I offered her a smoke; I was surprised again when she took one in her teeth without hesitation. Her lip brushed my finger. I did the gentlemanly thing and lit it for her.
She took a puff, then held it in the corner of her mouth. "Sure, but don't you feel out of place with none of your kind around?" She picked up a shot (I still haven't figured out how they grab things) and downed it in one gulp, all without her cigar falling out. A mare of many talents.
I shrugged. "Sure. But I feel out of place back home, too. At least here, I have a good excuse."
She gave me a curious look, but was still smiling. "Okay, I'll bite. Why don't you fit in?"
I looked down at my custom suit. I ordered it from this guy in Chicago. The style was older than my grandpa. "I'm a little too in love with the past," I said with a shrug.
She followed my gaze and took a guess. "Humans don't dress like that anymore?"
I picked up my homburg and set it on my head on a jaunty angle. "Not so much. Me though, I rather like it." I paused to take drag and shoot her a look I like to call "The Sinatra". "What about you? What brings a mare like you around?"
"Well, I like to relax in run-down places like this. No standards to worry about. And when I saw a human in here, I had to come in." Seeing my questioning look, she continued. "I like talking to humans; they'll actually use a swear word and talk about sex and bodily functions."
"Well, I don't much talk about sex; I rather show than tell." I took another puff to keep from grinning and kept my eyes on her. "I know what you mean, though. Ponies are good folks, but the way they talk, its like..."
"They talk like there's always a little foal in the room." She grabbed her second drink, but simply let it sit on her hoof.
I nodded slowly; I'd never heard it put so clearly. "Yeah. That's it exactly." I put my clove in the glass. "Well, if you like swearing, we could go somewhere and I can say all the words for you. The A-word, the B-word, the S-word..."
"The F-word?"
"What F-word?"
"Fuck."
I leaned back. "Don't mind if we do." I fought to keep breathing. I might've just gone too far.
She blinked at me, then gave that delightful laugh again. It was loud enough to get the other ponies glancing at us. "So you're one of those humans."
I leaned closer to her. "You came up to the only human in the place, started drinking with him, to use the term loosely, and when he started flirting, you didn't so much as glance at the exit. Yeah, I'm one of those humans." I leaned back and pointed at her. "And you're one of those mares."
She didn't laugh this time. A bit of pink showed on her face. "I guess you got me there." She methodically finished her drink to buy time. "Where did you want to go?"
"My place?"
She gave me a nudge with her hoof and smiled. "Well, let's paint the town first and see what happens."
I laid down some bits for our drinks, and walked with her towards the door. I rested my hand on her neck. "You know, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Or a sleazy one-night stand."
She let out that rough laugh again as we stepped out into the street.