A look into slices of the wild life of our favorite archaeologist, 100 words at a time.
(dis)Like what you read? Tell me why! ~Super
A look into slices of the wild life of our favorite archaeologist, 100 words at a time.
WARNING: Not in chronological order. Some of these should be taken seriously, and some probably should not be. Especially the tenth and eleventh chapter.
One day, Daring came home from the dig site to find her house trashed, with six vaguely familiar ponies in it. The blue one was especially annoying. When some thugs tried to steal a valuable artifact, the trespassers just stared dumbly. She went to go retrieve it, but the annoying blue one followed her. Ahuizotl appeared, and the annoying blue one got Daring captured. The annoying blue one found the temple and helped her escape. Ahuizotl was about to plunge the valley into a heat wave, but the annoying blue one's friends showed up, and they all kicked ass.
In her flashy red Mountie uniform, Daring Do-Right galloped through the jungle, hot on the tail of her friend Ahuizotl Whiplash.
''Wait Ahuizotl! Don't you want to talk aboot ice hockey?''
The creature bounded away in terror, trying to escape Daring's amiability. ''No, please, take all the rusty relics, ancient artifacts, and glistening gemstones you want. Just stop being so pleasant!''
''Can I at least knit you a toque?'' she yelled after him as he ran away screaming.
''Geeze, he's a real hoser, eh?'' muttered Daring as she trotted off to Him Tortons to grab a beer.
Sandy Shores looked at the clock and sighed. Daring said she'd be back this afternoon. It was 7:19 and she still wasn't home. But when your wife is a famed archaeologist, these things happen.
His daughter Amethyst wandered into his study. ''Daddy, when's Mommy coming back?''
He looked up from his reading material and reassuringly smiled. "I don't know Sweetie. You know how museum openings can be.''
Suddenly, a gray-maned pegasus flew through the open window and tackled Sandy to the ground.
Daring, disguised as her alter ego A.K. Yearling in a drab trench coat and horn-rimmed glasses, stepped off of the train platform and into Ponyville. Although the annoying blue pony lived here, so did her loopy sister, who had just opened the door. They stood there awkwardly.
''Um, hello Derpy. Good to see you again.''
''You too!'' Derpy replied. ''Say, do you want a muffin? I just baked some, 'cause I knew my super awesome sis would be arriving soon.
Daring smiled. ''I knew you'd ask. I would love one.''
She was sweaty; her fur matted. She was in pain. Her muscles were sore; her vision blurry. She tensed up as another wave of pain surged through her intestines.
''Mommy, hurry up! You've been in there for like three hours. I'm worried about you.''
Daring smiled to herself. Her daughter exaggerated more than her autobiographical book series. But she had been on the toilet a long time. Suddenly, she felt more coming out, and braced for impact. ''HHHRRRRRRRR!'' she moaned as another deuce battled her anal sphincter.
This was the first, last, and only time she ate bacon.
Daring smiled nervously at the screaming foreigners crowding around her. Her Prench was more than a bit rusty.
''Heh... bonjour, tout les um... ponies. Je m'appelle Daring Do, ou dans Prancais, mon nom est Daring Faire. Je ne sais pas beaucoup de prancais, mai je suis très content qui vous adorenz moi. Merci, merci beaucoup!''
She quickly hurried out of the room before they could start asking her questions she didn't understand. Why did she agree to travel to Prance? Why did her publishing agent make her do this stupid book tour? Where was her stupid agent?
With a grin and a squee, Amethyst Treasure Do galloped into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
''Mommy mommy mommy! Look what I drew today in art class!'' She proudly held up a crude drawing of a horse, beaming with happiness.
Daring paused slicing radishes, and squinted at her daughter's drawing. ''Uh very nice honey. Let's see: a beak, an eye, two flippers... oh! It's a penguin!''
Amethyst frowned. ''Moooommmmy, it's a pony. I drew you!''
Daring smiled nervously. ''Heh, you don't say. Um, maybe you should stick to archaeology like me Sweetie.''
Behind every mare stands a great stallion, and Daring's stallion was Sandy Shores. Married for eight years, with a six year old daughter (''Six and a half, she insisted.), the two stood by each other. You all know about Daring, but do you know about Sandy?
Sandy was the ultimate nice guy. Ponies muttered behind his back that Daring was way out of his league, but he didn't care. They were just jealous. He also doubted they could handle having a wife constantly going on adventures she might not come back from. But he had faith in her.
Daring once again found herself strapped to a wall spread eagle, but this time in Fluttershy's basement. The dominatrix was currently tickling her with her primaries.
OoooheheheeeheheehaHAUGHUHGAGHH AGHHH! *gasp* ooooOOOoooOoOO!! Never GAHHH! Never will I EEEEE! reveal the location of the *pant* hidden gem HAHHAHAHAHAHA, Dr. Adorable!''
Fluttershy abruptly stopped the torture, and opened her special toy box. After rummaging around, she eventually pulled out a magically enchanted back massager. She held it up for Daring to see, and chuckled darkly. ''Oh no, trust me Daring dear. I have ways of making you talk.'' Then she went to work.
Daring, bloody and beaten, tread water, struggling to keep her head above the surface. She scratched at the slippery walls of the pit, but they offered no traction. She was soaked and exhausted; her wings utterly useless.
Ahuizotl roared with evil laughter. ''I guess this is the end for you Daring. Time to turn up the heat!'' The temperature skyrocketed.
She screamed as her flesh liquefied and sloughed off her body. Mercifully, the pain was too much and she soon fainted before her body shut down. This was the end.
After several hours of boiling, she had become Daring glue.
It is dark, your birch torch burned to naught but an ashy nub. You continue on, determined to reach the treasure. Suddenly, a disembodied voice echoes through the bowls of the temple: ''You are likely to be eaten by a grue.''
You are puzzled. ''What's a grue?'' you wonder aloud.
The voice answers, ''The grue is a sinister, lurking presence in the dark places of the earth. Its favorite diet is adventurers, but its insatiable appetite is tempered by its fear of light.''
''Meh,'' you say, shrugging.
This is all you said, because you were eaten by a grue.
''As you can see, over here in Detrot, the pegasi have light showers planned this afternoon. And it looks like later in the week, some stray storm clouds from the Everfree forest might be bringing some hail to Ponyville. Let's hope they have umbrellas! That's it for weather this week. Now back to you, Breaking News!''
''Aaaaand Cut!'' Minty Blues called. ''Great job Daring. You're a real pro at this weather stuff. How'd you get to be such a natural?''
''Well,'' she replied, ''I've always followed the scent of adventure. Now I just follow storms!''
"Wow, what friendship," Daring exclaimed. "Such harmony!" a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a
Daring gasped for breaths, shakily lifting her front limbs up rickety steps. She might have free reign of the jungle, but here in the mighty Himalneighas, altitude sickness took its toll. She pressed on, blinking wearily as her hooves crunched through the snow, her destination in sight now.
At last, she reached the top of the mountain. There, pounded by fierce frozen winds, sat a small rudimental hut. She knocked, and a wisened old animal answered. He was the Dali Llama, Most Holy of Hoofed. The ascetic welcomed her into his abode, and Daring smiled. She had found her guru.
''Oh, Daring, how are you so perfect?'' Rainbow Dash asked as the alicorn massaged her tense shoulders. ''I mean, always finding treasure, defeating Ahuizotl with nothing more than your determined glare, running the Tenochtitlan Basin's best--ooh that feels good!--massage parlor. Plus, you're an author, an adventure, and Luna's secret lover. You do it all Ms. Sue. Seriously, good at everything. You beat me in a race! Even Twilight can't do that, and she's an alicorn now!''
''Well, you see Dash, my first name isn't really Daring.''
''And now, Daring,'' Ahuizotl cackled, ''l shall at last control the tides of Horseshoe Bay! Bwahahaha-- Woah, what's with your mane?''
Daring sighed, extracting herself fully from the foliage. ''Yeah, laugh it up. I lost a bet with my publisher. Now hoof over the idol.''
Ahuizotl smirked, facial muscles contorting helplessly at the sight of her hair in a bun. Finally he gave up, and chuckles became full-throated belly laughs. ''AHAH I just... I can't take you seriously! What has my rival been reduced to? GAHAHAHA--''
SLAP!
The idol flew into her saddlebag. ''Don't be so hair-brained.''
Doctor Caballeron blew his pitch pipe before humming a baritone note. Two minions at his sides joined in harmony as it transformed into a sweet ''oooooh'', and the background music of life swirled into appropriate accompaniment. Daring Do stepped forward.
(Bum bum bum bum) Ahuizotl (Aahaah) Why must you be so cruel? (So cruel) Why do you even want to rule (Want to rule) the jungle, When baby, you could rule my heart?! (Oh-woah-woah-ah!)
Ahuizotl, Why must you be so mad for power? Why must you make the natives cower in fear, When baby, you could be mad for me!
