After seeing all the arguments about humans in Equestria and the morality of ponies, I decided to take that argument to Equestria as well.
A pessimist named Robert Anton and an Optimist named Fujiwara Kaito suddenly find themselves next to each other in the middle of Canterlot's throne room.
Through the magic of friendship, Robert and Fujiwara find out that they hate each other... a lot.
The device Fujiwara was holding was one of his own creation; it was an anomaly detector. Basically, when making it, he just asked his friends about the strangest physical/electrical/chemical occurrences that could happen in semi-rare cases, and - based off of their information - he built a device. Any one phenomena wouldn't be very useful for detecting anything interesting, but when combined...
Suddenly, his detector started beeping. There were 3- no, 5- no 7 different signals being detected at once, and they were getting stronger. It seemed to be in the direction of a nearby alleyway.
The beeping got louder... and then it quieted down. Fujiwara stopped and turned around. The beeping got louder again, and then started quieting down. Eventually, He stopped where it was loudest.
Fujiwara waived the device around in the air. It seemed to be be the loudest when pointed at the wall... but there wasn't anything th-
Then he saw it. It wasn't larger than a single human hair, but it was there. Sunlight was coming out through a crack in the ground. Either there was some strange experiment going on under this alley, or... well, maybe it was a portal?
Fujiwara hurriedly yanked his wallet out of his pocket and grabbed a card that he wouldn't mind bending. He inserted it into the crack, and turned. Yes! The crack started widening, wide enough to slip a finger into, then a hand, then two hands. Finally, he could fit his head and shoulders through.
Fujiwara looked around... he saw... white. White tiles, White walls, white ceilings, a nice view of white clouds in a beautiful sky, a white unicorn-pegasus... Holy crap a unicorn-pegasus!
Robert Anton finished his work at the auto-shop and went home. He was pissed about his manager: apparently he did great work, but he was too rude to the customers, which is why he got another warning. He wasn't the one who deserved the warning! It was the customer that deserved one! And he gave him one! He should be rewarded!
He sighed. People in general were just stupid. The US government was terrible, the education system was terrible, other people were terr-
*WHAM*
And apparently his driveway was terrible too.
Robert shoved the door open and walked to where his car had sunk into the ground.
"What the..." Robert looked at the tire that appeared to have sunken into the earth. He walked back into his car and got out his crank shaft.
He lifted the car up, moved it over, and drove around the hole.
Celestia stomped on her throne and ground her teeth in rage. How dare twilight write that! She appreciated help, and she loved criticism, but EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of how she ruled couldn't be wrong! Worse, Twilight seemed to have been having fun pointing out all of her flaws! Month, after month, after month...
She looked around, surprised and saddened at the destruction of her room.She was also very tired... Strange, she shouldn't be tired from such a small burst of magic... She inspected herself again. Yup, she was completely worn out... wasn't that spell just a blast of anger? Going back to it, it felt completely nor-
"OIFHSF!" A creature slid out of Celestia's wall and onto her floor. "FFFFUUUUU!" A similar creature fell through her ceiling and almost landed headfirst into her floor. Thankfully she caught the thing with her magic.
Celestia walked over to the thing she caught and turned it over. Oh! It had a face!
"What... the... fuck?" It squinted
Celestia turned her head... it appeared to be speaking Equestrian... well, except for the last word.
"You speak Equestrian?" She asked.
"I speak English... horse." The thing tilted it's head back at her.
Celestia cringed, "Princess Celestia if you please,"
"White Horse." Robert decided on a better name.
Celestia ignored him, "...and welcome to Equestria. I'm not entirely sure how you got here, but-"
At that moment, Robert realized what was happening. He was dreaming! Of course! He slipped and hit his head while taking out the garbage, and was now in some dream while someone called the ambulance... he would have to pay medical bills later... Oh well, might as well make it a good dream.
Robert slapped Celestia in the face, right in the middle of her introduction. Ha! Take that Royalty! Only a tyrant would wear so much gold! Oh god and it wasn't even covering most of her horse body. She was probably some sort of temptress horse queen.
"W- What the fuck are you doing!?" A stunned voice with a Japanese accent said off in the distance. Celestia felt inclined to agree with the voice as she backed away from the creature and dropped it with a look of disgust and confusion on her face.
Robert looked over to the voice and smirked. "Ha! Wanna fight prissy pants? Cause this is my dream!"
"This isn't a dream you idiot!" Fujiwara yelled back while running between Celestia and Robert. He turned back to Celestia, "Sorry about this guy, he's probably had a bad day, and is taking it out on what he thinks his dreams are."
Celestia let out a calming breath, "Don't worry, I too am shocked by the suddenness of-"
*slap*
Fujiwara turned back. He didn't like being touched, especially by strangers. And he was talking to the leader of an unknown planet. He was not going to be interrupted by this fucktard.
"Do that again," Fujiwara narrowed his eyes, "I dare you."
"STOP!" Celestia yelled in the royal Canterlot voice, pulling the group apart with her magic. "Do you creatures always solve your problems with violence?" She asked the two humans, holding them in the air, away from each other.
"No!" Fujiwara was hurt. "What are you, my mom?" Robert asked, "Get out of my dream, horse mom."
"You're not in a dream, idiot." Fujiwara strained his body to look at Robert, "This goes WAY past the pinch test!"
"That's just a myth, dumbass!" Robert strained his body to turn as well, "Plenty of people have felt pain in their dreams!"
"...Quiet..." Celestia tried to interrupt. Normally this would be more than enough to petrify any sane pony.
"No they didn't!" Fujiwara tried to throw his arms up.
"Prove that they didn't!" Robert grinned.
"Quiet!" Celestia failed once more at interrupting.
"What!? No. Fuck you." Fujiwara pointed his finger at Robert, albeit with much effort. "This is the first time humanity meets an alien species, and you SLAP THEIR LEADER IN THE FACE!"
"Well yeah!" Robert shouted "Now they know to stay away from-"
"QUIET!" Celestia used the royal Canterlot voice for the second time that day, "It may be my fault that you two creatures are here, so I am responsible for both of you. So please, introduce yourself like polite..." She looked over the creatures... "Whatever you are, and let's talk about where you're staying before I gather the strength to send you back home!"
Robert sat in an uncomfortably low chair facing Celestia and Fujiwara. It was like having a tea-party with his niece, and when he thought about it that way, it wasn't that bad. The thought was completely broken with Celestia though; she looked like a giant dog when sitting like that, and he had a hard time not laughing.
"Sorry for being a bit of an asshat," Robert grinned sheepishly while rubbing the back of his neck, "I don't know what got into me..." He looked at Celestia, " So... alien ponies, cool."
Fujiwara deadpanned at him, then sighed, "...fine... Anyway, we should probably introduce ourselves like Celestia asked." He brightened and looked at Celestia and Robert. No matter what happened, this was bound to be awesome; he was talking with an alien! "I'm Fujiwara Kaito, a senior at the University of Tokyo, or "Todai", majoring in applied mathematics... Also," He looked to the window, "I'm albino, so I sunburn easily, and I lost my umbrella falling through the portal to get here, so could we carry on this conversation some place out of the sun?"
Celestie turned her gaze to the windows and used some of her magic, darkening the glass.
"Wait," Robert interrupted, "how do you do that?"
"Hmm?" Celestia turned her head back.
"That- that sorcery stuff," Robert repeated, moving his hands around an imaginary orb.
Celestia looked at him for a while, trying to remember the word, "Oh, you mean magic." She sat back, "Every unicorn is capable of a certain amount of magic."
Fujiwara cringed at the word magic being used by Celestia.
"Wait a minute..." Fujiwara interrupted, everyone looked at him while he thought about what to say, "...Define magic. What is magic?"
Celestia raised an eyebrow, surely these creatures had some sort of magic... "Magic is the alteration of reality through-"
"Stop." Fujiwara held his hands together in a T for timeout sign, "You can't alter reality, once you do, your alteration is part of reality, and so was your "altering reality", so neither of those were "altering reality" at all."
Celestia stared at Fujiwara... He was definitely smart; it had taken Twilight a few days to come to that conclusion. Then again, Twilight probably only took that long because she thought voicing her thoughts would upset Celestia, and she was very young then. "Very well, I'll explain it to you in more detail later; I don't think Robert has introduced himself yet."
Robert sat up and dusted himself off, "Oh, I'm just your average auto-shop worker." He sat back, thinking, "You know, I never really got interested in much. I mean, I could talk about politics and economics for a while, but... Well, my job pays the bills well enough, and with stock trading I could probably do without the job, but it keeps me stable. I don't really understand putting myself through all that stress for some degree."
Fujiwara desperately wanted to promote the glory of higher learning, but he decided to hold back and talk about something else, "Oh, are Americans already out of that recession?" He smiled, glad.
Robert looked over at Fujiwara doubtfully, finding his smile creepy. How many years ago was that recession anyway? "...You don't really get out of a recession, it has lasting effects on the economy. People just adapt to those effects. Besides," he looked up, remembering, "I just got lucky."
Fujiwara nodded his head and stared at Celestia for a while.
Celestia got the message, "I am Princess Celestia, I rule over all the little ponies in Equestria."
Robert looked back down at that statement and grinned, "Sounds like we're meeting with the queen of the world!" Robert looked over at Fujiwara, but he wasn't paying attention. Instead, he had his hands folded on the table and was leaning towards Celestia.
"When you say 'Equestria', do you mean your city, your country, or your world?" Fujiwara asked, giving Celestia a piercing, almost predatory gaze.
Celestia sat back, a bit uncomfortable, "the Country," she stated. That gaze reminds me of dragons and griffons... Is he part of a predatory species?
Sitting back up, she forced herself to look at Fujiwara, "I'm sorry, but what is "applied mathematics"?" Then at Robert, "And what is an "auto-shop"?"
Robert spoke first, "An auto shop is where people take there cars to be repaired."
Celestia's expression remained the same. "...And what is a "car"?"
Robert blinked a few times, "...Self driven carriages?"
Celestia's eyes went wide at this, apparently he was a carriage repairpony, but how could a carriage drive itself without magic? It seems her assumption was wrong. "You creatures must have wonderful magic to have so many self driven carriages that it warrants a repair-pony for them."
Robert looked at Celestia skeptically, "...We don't have magic... Don't you ponies have engines?"
"...What are engines?" Celestia tilted her head.
"...Nevermind..." Robert sighed and held a hand to his head. Describing engines would take too long... Then again, he was kind of glad; this place would probably be completely without pollution. He heard stories of places without pollution: you would breath in and the air would taste sweet... then you would try to go somewhere and it would take forever...
Fujiwara held his balled up fists closed to his head, scrunching his face. Then he made other strange motions. Robert joined Celestia in raising an eyebrow at Him.
"Watashi wa-" He clenched his teeth "-Kore o shitte iru!"
Celestia turned to Robert for answers. He just shrugged and raised his arms. Then he heard a slam.
"Yatta!" Fujiwara held his arms up in the air.
Celestia and Robert both looked at him in alarm.
Fujiwara cleared his throat, "An engine is a mechanical device that..."
Robert and Celestia continued staring at him. He started to sweat; this would be tough.
"a mechanical device that transforms energy from heat into mechanical or electrical energy." He grinned, "The most common one, the "diesel engine", contains multiple shafts, attached to each-other at different stages to smooth and continue operation. The shafts first compress air and fue- burnable liquid, then expand when that mixture explodes." He made wild gestures with his hands, "All these shafts are connected to a central wheel, and have... joints that allow them to spin that wheel."
Fujiwara collapsed, exhausted.
"Aw man, Fuji-san..." Robert sat back. Fujiwara glared at Robert, he had worked so hard! He deserved praise! Not "Aw man, Fuji-san". Robert continued, "Now instead of ponies riding ponies, I won't be able to see in front of my own face."
Fuji-san chuckled, that one was kind of funny for some reason. Maybe it was the thought of ponies riding ponies.
"Hmm," Celestia sighed, slightly confused. The engine did seem interesting though.
She turned her gaze to Fujiwara, "And what is "Applied Mathematics"?" She repeated.
"Have you heard of mathematics before?" Fujiwara gazed back, slightly annoyed at the lack of technology. Then again, maybe he could become a teacher. He always wanted to be a teacher...
"No." Celestia met his gaze.
"2+2=4?" Fujiwara kept his gaze at her.
"Oh, arithmetic!" Celestia smiled, expecting to see a smile back from Fujiwara.
Instead, she saw a man scowling and clenching his heart, struggling to come to terms with a great horror, "Okay..." Fujiwara steadied himself, "What's the most advanced concept related to that?" He asked.
Celestia sat back, "Well, after algebra, there's trigonometry. And that's about it."
Fujiwara sat back and let out a breath of sweet Canterlot air. "Okay," He pushed himself back and stood up, "I'm going to teach ponies calculus." He looked at Celestia, "Do you have a chalkboard?" This was going to be nostalgic...
Robert and Celestia stared at Fujiwara once again.
"Dude," Robert spoke up, "Your going to lecture the alien leader on Calculus?" He stared at Fujiwara with a bewildered look.
Fujiwara stared back.
Robert kept on staring.
Eventually, Fujiwara pulled out his chair and sat back down.
"Sorry to burst your bubble kid," He sighed, "but we have to talk about trading before we just give them everything."
Robert turned to Celestia, blissfully unaware of the shit-storm he was just about to ignite with a fan.
"Sorry to burst your bubble kid," Robert sighed, "but we have to talk about trading before we just give them everything."
Celestia sat back and half-rolled her eyes, sighing over the fact that she was already going into a conversation about politics.
"Okay, that seems fair" Fujiwara agreed, his respect for Robert growing. He turned to Celestia, "How about this, in return for me teaching the technology and mathematics of my world, you can teach me about that magic that you're able to do."
"Fair enough," Celestia turned to Fujiwara and smileed.
Robert spoke up, "I'd like to learn more about your culture... I'm not sure why... I guess I just find the subject of alien culture interesting..."
"Very well," Celestia nodded, "And in return you will tell us about your culture."
Robert nodded, "...But I guess we should leave the worst parts out..."
Celestia tilted her head at this and looked at Robert skeptically.
Fujiwara gave the same skeptical look to Robert. "No, we shouldn't hide anything from them, and they shouldn't hide anything from us. If we really want to learn the truth about each other, we can't do so by hiding the things we don't like about ourselves."
Celestia smiled, impressed, "well said Fujiwara."
Robert stared at Celestia for a second, a look of fear in his eyes. Then he scooted over to Fujiwara and whispered harshly, "Are you really sure you want to tell this cute horse thing about the worst of humanity. I mean, the perversion, the violence, the unfairness!?"
Fujiwara turned to Robert and whispered, "Yes, I do want to tell the 'cute horse thing' about the worst of humanity. Besides, that should be put in perspective with all the good humans do! Not every person is out to do something horrible and break the law!"
Robert raised his voice a bit, "Are you serious!? Once she knows how bad humans can be, she'll seal us away somewhere until she can send us back. She already saw us fighting, why would she assume we were the good guys?"
Celestia craned her neck, trying to hear what they were saying. She was a little annoyed about being left out of the conversation. Sighing, she looked up at the sun and the shadows it cast through her window, noting that she had about ten or twenty minutes before she had to leave.
"That's ridiculous," Fujiwara whispered back loudly. Celestia turned back now that she could hear what they were saying. "Judging us based on the worst of our species and on what we did after falling through a portal into another world would be the worst, and most judgmental thing a leader could do!"
"No," Robert starting talking instead of whispering, "it wouldn't be horrible at all! Actually, it would probably be one of the most sane things she could do if she cares about the safety of her subjects! What do you think would happen if humans came over in mass!?" Robert threw his arms out, opening his coat. Fujiwara notices a gray metallic object hidden in his pocket. He paused for a second, then chose to ignore it.
"Even if humans did come over," Fujawara started, on the verge of shouting, "this place would just be like another country. After the first group of curious people came over and investigated, there would be the regular immigration laws for anything wanting to come in and out of here. This isn't the 1600s, there are world laws now that are enforced, and humans have a lot to gain from ponies, it wouldn't make sense for them to-"
"Oh!?" Robert smirked, now actually shouting, "Don't you know about all of the fishing that goes on in your countries!? Several species are already almost extinct because of your country fishing so much!"
"Actually," Fujiwara looked off to the side, "I remember this from an elective I took recently. It's called..." Fujiwara tried to think of the translation, " 'the tragedy of the commons'. Cod in the north pacific ocean was pushed near extinction due to over-fishing. We have laws now to protect against that sort of thing once we realized what was happening. "
So, Celestia made a mental note, Humans are carnivorous... or at least omnivorous
"And are those laws being followed!?" Robert asked, "I still see stories on the discovery channel about how Japanese fishing boats are still hunting near extinct species."
"I haven't heard of any such news," Fujiwara stated, "So I can't really argue with you about that. But still, there is way too much we could learn from an alien species to allow keeping information from each other. Besides, aren't you assuming that they haven't had any tragedies of their own!?" At this, he pointed at Robert accusingly.
At the mention of tragedies, Celestia looked down. A picture of her sister overlaid her slightly watery vision... Oh how she wished to see her again.
Robert scoffed at Fujiwara's optimism, "You know what!?" He shouted, "Maybe they didn't! We are on an alien planet, you know! It's possible they don't even have a concept of death, and wouldn't know when they were killing us or playing with us!"
Celestia was jolted out of her thoughts when she heard his comment. She gave him shoked look, then spoke up, trying to clear things up "Actually, me and my sister are the only 'immortal'-"
"There!" Fujiwara shouted back at Robert, "a species that doesn't have any concept of death wouldn't have any reason to know the word 'immortal'!"
"You know what!?" Robert sat back, "You're right! So then they will understand how horrible humans can truly be!"
Celestia sighed, sat back, and had some tea and cake. As long as they weren't hitting each other, it was fine. Besides, this kind of thing happened occasionally in parliament.
"You're still on about that!?" Fujiwara yelled, exasperated, "The people who commit the horrible crimes that you hear about in the news are by far in the minority! The only reason you hear about them in the news so much is because their crimes are horrible. But that gives you a... lopsided view of what the world is actually like... " Suddenly, Fujiwara threw his arms out," There are 7 billion people on earth! The people who do the things you're talking about probably number in the thousands or hundreds of thousands at the most!" To accentuate his point, he held his index finger and his thumb close together when he mentioned "hundreds of thousands".
Celestia spat out her tea, 7 billion!? What!? Did I hear that right?
"Okay," Robert took a few breaths to calm himself, "let's say you're right. That the people who do all the damage in the world are in the minority. Then doesn't that make it worse? If there are humans so terrible that they can do that much damage to the world and the people around them!? Take that Momar kadaffi guy who ruled over Libya. His own people revolted because they were starving! And how did a crazy person get into power like that in the first place!?"
Celestia deflated a bit, this "kadaffi" guy sounded terrible. Then again, she couldn't say her race was any better when she remembered Sombra. She wondered how he came into power as well.
"And you know what let the people finally revolt and start gaining their rights!?" Fujiwara asked, slamming his hand on the table. For once, he was thankful for electives, "Social Media, and the internet! The reason people were able to start gaining their rights back were because they were able to talk about their problems! Besides, why do you think these ponies are any different!? Is it because they're cuddly or-" Fujiwara stopped, noticing that he was just arguing for the sake of arguing, "You know what..." He turned to Celestia, and became a bit ashamed when he noticed her giving him a bored look, "eh... You probably heard everything we said-"
"Mhmm." Celestia nodded, then sat up, attentive.
Fujiwara composed himself, "well... um... Have ponies had any similar... tragedies to what we just talked about?"
Celestia sighed and looked down for a second before answering him, "There have been a few tragedies, albiet small in number compared to what you talked about... But if I heard right, it wouldn't be right to compare a species numbering in less than a million to a species numbering in a few billion..." She paused for a second to think about the numbers, "Anyway, there has been at least one leader like that 'kadaffi' po- human you mentioned, he went by the name of Sombra... he took over the entire Crystal Empire by force and abused his citizens, eventually forcing me and my sister to fight him." She didn't mention that her sister at one time could also be considered a cruel ruler... Despite the nine hundred and ninety nine years separating this moment and that one, there was still too much pain whenever the thought was brought up...
Celestia looked outside through the dimmed windows and smiled, "I have to leave soon to help at my school for gifted unicorns... Promise me that you won't attack each other"
Fujiwara and Robert gave Celestia a blank stare. Robert's said something like 'Really?' While Fujiwara looked like he was processing something.
Robert slumped back in his chair and sighed, appalled. "Well," he muttered, "I guess cute horses can be as bad as humans sometimes."
Ignoring Robert, Fujiwara jumped up, "Wait, did you say school? For gifted unicorns?" His eyes were filled with hope.
"Why yes," Celestia smiled, "I did."
"Can I come?" Fujiwara asked, hope practically spilling out of his eyes.
Celestia held a hoof to her chin. "Hmm..."
"On three conditions," She started.
"Yes!?" Fujiwara was practically shaking with anticipation.
"First, Robert must come as well; I think it'd be best not to leave him alone in an alien world." She looked over at him.
"I'm fine, trust me," Robert deadpanned.
"Two," Celestia continued, ignoring him, "The two of you must not fight."
Fujiwara and Robert looked at each other for a second, then looked back at Celestia.
"And three," She glared at both of them, "No swearing. I may not know what some of your words mean, but I can tell how they're used."
Robert looked down at the floor, hiding a smirk, "Damn."
Ignoring Robert, Fujiwara jumped up, "Wait, did you say school? For gifted unicorns?" His eyes were filled with hope.
"Why yes," Celestia smiled, "I did."
Celestia stepped out of her throne room with Fujiwara and Robert beside her. A couple passing guard ponies looked over at the noise, then looked back, since it would obviously be Princess Celestia, and they weren't required to bow. Then they looked back, noticing the two humans...
Celestia turned left, leading Robert and Fuji.
"W-" Fuji started, "Back there, did you say you were immortal?"
"That is correct." Celestia nodded.
The group walked in silence down the white halls. Celestia in a somewhat bored calm, and Fuji and Robert in confusion and disbelief.
"How?" Robert asked.
"Hmm..." Celestia tilted her head while walking. "I suppose it's like preening. I occasionally scan my body with my magic and remove impurities."
"That's all it takes to be immortal?" Robert raised an eyebrow.
Celestia paused to open a large pair of doors. "Yes."
"Why don't you share this with other ponies?" Fujiwara asked.
"I cant," Celestia frowned, "Only me and my sister have the amount of control required to act on such a scan. If any other pony tried to imitate my methods, they could end up tearing their own body apart."
Robert cringed. That information didn't mix well with the serene plants and white marble around them.
Fuji smiled, "You mentioned your sister earlier. Where is she?"
Celestia cringed, and slowed down a bit, pausing to look off the side of a bridge. After taking in the beautiful scene, she finally smiled, still staring off the bridge, "My sister was always the more active one. I usually preferred to have a pre-made strategy with me to keep me safe, but my sister just trotted right in to whatever problem we had head first, and made her strategy on the spot. The reason she practiced dream walking so often was solely to act as a guardian angel to all the ponies she could, and fix their problems. It was the fastest, and most personal method possible."
Celestia looked back at the two humans who hadn't interrupted her. They seemed like they were listening, but she wasn't really sure if she cared either way. "Of course, there were times where we had to act physically, where a ponies mind simply could not be changed. It was actually Luna's idea to create the special ops of legend. It was her who fulfilled the most important parts of defeating Discord, and of saving Equestria numerous times from," She giggled, "various enemies. Inflation was a rather tough, but silly one."
Celestia paused for a while, continuing down the marble road in silence.
"And then there was Sombra." She closed her eyes and frowned. "He should have been just another prankster like Discord, with no followers. But somehow he managed to control an entire empire. He should have been just another foal..."
"Uh," Fuji shifted uncomfortably, noticing the change in Celestia's tone, "You don't have to talk about this if you don't want to." He didn't like sad stories.
Robert squinted at Fujiwara, "That kind of contradicts what we said earlier about absolute truth."
"Come on!" Fuji threw is arms out, "This is obviously personal!"
"Usually the most important truths are," Robert stared back at him.
Celestia continued suddenly, as if she weren't even listening to the two, "There was no way we could defeat him normally. Even with two against one, we were the rulers of a peaceful nation, and we were fighting against a conqueror. Our first battle did not go as planned; Sombra was far stronger in offensive and dark magic than we could have imagined. I ended up wounded, left outside the city, while Luna was left inside the city. Normally, she would have fought Sombra head on, but she was just defeated that way. She must have... She had to have... Sombra would had to have kept countless books on any magic he developed or studied. She must have learned from me, and gathered as much information as possible before hand."
Celestia paused to open another large set of double doors. "She managed to move through the corrupt barrier, and we were finally able to banish him with the help of Luna's studies in dark magic. But in banishing Sombra, we banished the whole city as well. The entire city now stays in limbo with him."
Celestia turned right, down a hall of marble that looked exactly like the last one, "Worse, my sister continued studying dark magic. At first, it was just to find a better solution to the issue of Sombra and his empire, then, it was curiosity, and later, insanity."
Celestia swallowed, "She came to me later, screaming something about how there could be no good without evil to juxtapose. No great love without great tragedy. No solutions without problems first. She may have been- No, she was probably right." Celestia sighed, "But if some ponies have to suffer tragedies for the average happiness to improve... I cannot allow it. I trusted her to keep any "maladies" to a tolerable minimum, but she broke that trust..."
"Finally came the time where we fought. We both agreed on the old castle where we grew up, as it was the most personal location possible for both of us. And of course I wasn't ready, so I imagined my old sister by my side, giving me orders when my plans fell out like old times. Eventually, I remembered the elements of harmony, and wielded them against my sister. Before I realized what I was doing, I banished my- I made my sister part of the moon for a thousand years..."
A few sniffles could be heard.
Robert stared into space with a bemused expression for a while, "...You what?"
"I banished my sister to the moon," Celestia replied, seriously, "for a thousand years."
Robert stood still with his mouth agape for a few seconds before rushing to rejoin the group, "I'm sorry, if I wasn't in another dimension, I wouldn't believe that story for one second. That said... Why would you banish your own sister to the moon?"
There was the sound of whimpering coming from somewhere, but as far as Robert could tell, it wasn't coming from Celestia.
"She was going to kill," Celestia replied in the same nonchalant tone while stepping into the Canterlot library. "I mean, I didn't have any proof, but I could no longer trust her either."
If Robert or Fuji were listening intently, they might have noticed doubt in her voice. But they were caught off guard by a purple filly at a reading table waving enthusiastically at them while quietly repeating, "Hey, Princess!"
Celestia looked up, trying to see what the commotion was, she smiled wryly when she noticed it was her smartassest student. This was perfect! Now she could just dump the humans onto her! "Yes, Twilight?"
"I just finished reading this book 'Theoretical limitations of magic', it had a section on the elements of harmony! If their existence is true like you say, academia will have to rethink everything when it comes to love magic!" Twilight grinned at the idea of academia having to rethink everything because of something she was researching.
"That's great Twilight," Celestia dismissed, making Twilight flinch and grind her teeth, "Oh," Celestia looked back at the humans following her, Robert was looking down, still confused, but Fujiwara was openly crying. Celestia looked back at Twilight, "I have to teach a class, would you mind keeping these two ambassadors company while I do so?"
"Ambassadors?" Twilight repeated, "To what race? And why is one of them crying?"
Celestia looked back, surprised that one of the humans was really crying, though she didn't show it.
Fujiwara finally gave out, falling to the ground while clutching his chest, making a loud thumping noise.
Robert couldn't help it anymore. First he let out a stifled giggle, then a small chuckle.
Ignoring the humans, Celestia stepped forward, clearing her throat, "If you can't handle them, just have..." She looked across the table from Twilight, noticing the purple dragon snoring in a puddle of his own saliva. "Just have spike send me a letter, and I'll deal with them."
Twilight smiled and nodded.
Satisfied, Celestia was about to turn away when she was suddenly engulfed in a pair of fuzzy purple hooves. She couldn't help but smile at the embrace that she desperately needed. Once it was over, she looked down at her student, confused.
Twilight grinned, "I've been your student for most of my life now. I think I should be able to tell when something's bothering you."
Celestia smiled warmly, wondering how this was the same pony who had critiqued almost all of her methods earlier. "Thanks."
Twilight, smiled for a while, then noticed the one "ambassador" poking the other crying "ambassador", who was now in a mix of extreme sadness and rage, with his foot. "Seriously," Twilight furrowed her brow and pointed, "What are those things? I've never seen them before."
Celestia shrugged, "They're a newly discovered race." Then she turned and walked off, trying to hide her smile.
Twilight gaped at the two humans for a long, silent moment. She finally snapped out of her stupor once she noticed her book was in danger of being swallowed by Spike's growing saliva puddle. But once she was out of it, she threw the book off to the side and leapt off the table, slammed into the floor, then ran towards a stand containing ink, quills, and blank scrolls.
Spike woke up at the sound of Twilight slamming against the floor and scrambling about. He was about to go back to sleep once he saw her, but he noticed the saliva puddle, and decided it would be better to find somewhere else to sleep. Then he noticed the humans.
"Woah!" He hopped off the chair and looked up at Robert, "Are you two..." He looked down at Fuji who was now picking himself up off the floor, "dragons?"
"No." Robert didn't really know how else to respond.
"Salamanders?" Spike tilted his head.
"Uh, no." Rob repeated.
"Hmm..." Spike was almost out of guesses, "Giant lemurs?" he shrugged.
Robert looked off, "I don't think so," He shrugged, "What's a Lemur?"
Robert looked at Fuji, "How do you know a word that I do-"
*BAM*
The shell shocked humans stared down at the stupefied purple mare, gleaming up at them with twitching eyes, "Aovnapepoafecasecfakdcnhkasjganuevaweur..." The mare screamed while foaming at the mouth.
Off in the distance, Celestia allowed herself a small victory laugh before opening the door to her class. She knew nothing could escape Twilight once she was interested enough.
Robert and Fuji slowly backed away from the mare and her now expressionless gaze and foaming mouth... and her impossibly widened pupils. But stopped when Twilight fell over like a tipped cow.
"Uh... Twilight?" Spike picked himself up and walked over to her, "Are you okay?"
Twilight picked herself up, "Aaugh..." she rubbed her head and coughed the foam out of her mouth, "I think that last spell is still effecting me... Could you find me a book for communicating with foreign ambassadors?"
"Sure thing Twilight." Spike rushed off.
"...What just happened?" Robert spoke up.
"Never use a memory spell on yourself..." Twilight answered.
They stood there in silence, waiting for Spike to fetch the book. Luckily Spike found the book quickly.
Twilight gestured for the group to follow, and led everyone to the louder section of the library, meant for group study.
There were a few other unicorns who glanced or stared at the strange combination of species for a while, but eventually they shrugged and went back to their work. Apparently different species weren't too out of the ordinary, or they really were just that involved in their studies.
Twilight politely gestured for everyone to sit down, but Spike was already at the table.
He cleared his throat while the others sat down, "Hello, ambassadors of the giant lemur ra-"
"Human" Fuji interrupted.
Spike stared for a second, "giant human ra-"
"Just Human" Robert interrupted.
Spike cleared his throat again, " Human, race. I am known as Spike, messenger dragon for the princess." He bowed lightly, "And this is Twilight, my assistant." She rolled her eyes. Spike held out his paw.
Robert reached out and shook, then shrugged to himself, why not? "I'm Robert, an," He thought about competing with the dragon in impressive titles, but thought better of it. He never bragged about it before, so why start now? "an automobile repair man."
Spike ignored the fact that he had no idea what an "automobile repair man" was, and moved his paw towards Fuji, who grasped it and shook similarly. "I'm Fujiwara Kaito, a graduate student at Tokyo University, or Todai. I'm majoring in applied mathematics, and I was thinking of applying that major towards the field of cybernetics"
Everyone stared at Fuji blankly, except Twilight, who beamed.
Uh oh, Spike thought, He said university...
"I've never heard of those fields before!" Twilight said with joy.
Fuji sat back, deflated.
"This means you're not only a new species, you have whole fields of study never heard about before!" She grinned almost madly, "Tell me more about applied mathematics and cybernetics!"
Fuji opened his mouth, about to let out thousands of pounds of information on Twilight, until Robert stopped him.
"No you don't," He said, "We're going by the book on this one."
For once Spike agreed.
Twilight reluctantly agreed, and opened the book to a list of questions to be asked upon first meeting foreign ambassadors.
"What can be traded between nations?" She read word for word.
"Uh, Twilight?" Spike looks at her, unsure, "I don't think you're supposed to read it word for word."
"Come one Spike." Twilight smiled and pointed, "Why else would they be written in this nice list."
Spike sighed.
"Actually," Rob spoke up, "Trade isn't possible," He looked down at the saddened Twilight and the confused Spike. "Celestia brought us here," he continued, "so we would have to wait until she finds a way to send us back."
Twilight looked back down at the book. Next on the list was aid, which also had to be skipped since they couldn't travel back. Diplomacy and treaties were skipped as well... Then she got to culture and magic. Of course, Twilight had to ask about magic first.
"Humans don't have any magic," Fuji answered, "we have technology."
Twilight stared back at him blankly, then beamed again. "You don't have magic?"
"...Yes." Fuji leaned back away from the crazed mare.
"Spike!" Twilight lifted up the dragon with her magic, causing the two humans to back away again, "These are the first sentient, non-magical beings ever found in Equus!" She hugged her assistant, "Oh," She giggled, "I have to confirm it." She grinned dumbly for a while, "Okay... Okay Twilight," She breathed in, then out, "Calm down..."
Twilight stepped back on the table and stared directly into Fujiwara's eyes. "You... Fujiwara Kaito," She blinked, "Try gathering magi- energy from the surrounding area into your hoo-" She looked at Fuji, then at spike, "feet, and then releasing it from your hands." She looked at him, and seeing only a confused look, she continued, "It helps to imagine the area surrounding you, then, well, feeling all of the energy in that scene move into you."
Fuji shrugged, then tried it. Nothing happened.
Now bored, Robert decided to start up a conversation with Spike. "You two seem kind of close," He started, "Is she your sister somehow?" He asked, "I mean, I don't pretend to know how biology works on this planet, but..."
"I'm not sure, actually." Spike sighed, suddenly thoughtful, "I know I'm not related by blood, but I don't know what I should really consider her." He looked at the frustrated Twilight thoughtfully, watching as she failed again and again to get Fujiwara to understand magic, "At the entrance exam to Canterlot's school for gifted unicorns, she hatched me from my egg. But I know I came from Dragons, not ponies. And while it's nice hanging out with Twilight's family and the Princess, I wish I knew more about my real family..."
"Huh," Robert thought for a second about how Dragons might attempt to devour their young, like he heard dinosaurs did once on the discovery channel, but he held that thought, "Well I hope you find out more too... "
Spike looked down, "...What about your family?" He looked back up at Rob.
"Well," Rob sat back and breathed out, "First there's my parents. My dad was a pretty cool guy. He taught me almost everything I know today. I mean, there was school, but it never really seemed to teach important things. And then there's my mom," He shrugged, "I think the only way to describe her is "crazy". I mean, she wasn't bad or anything, it's just... you never knew what to expect with her. One moment she could be could be listening to you calmly and knowingly, and the next she would bring up some barely believable story that you've never heard before, and somehow relate it to your story. And then she'd leave... That always confused me..."
Spike raised an eyebrow, "That would confuse me too."
"She was impulsive too..." Robert decided to give up describing her, " And then there's my brothers and sisters," Robert started, but was interrupted by an earthquake.
"Woah!" Spike fell off of his chair.
Fujiwara visualized the surrounding library, then the halls and the rest of the castle, and then the rest of Canterlot. Suddenly, he felt something foreign in his vision. Like Twilight repeatedly told him, he tried to grab hold of that something with his mind and pull it into him. For some reason, he found this surprisingly easy, perhaps it was because of his studies in mathematics that helped him visualize things. But suddenly, the entire city of Canterlot felt as if its colors were slowly draining out of it.
"Oh no!" Twilight yelled, "Release the magic! RELEASE THE MAGIC!"
But Fujiwara couldn't hear her, the only sensation that he could feel now was the overwhelming power that was consuming him.
Thinking quickly, Twilight concentrated and fired a sleeping spell at Fuji, knocking him out before he could do any more harm to himself. She rushed over as he fell to the ground and started absorbing some of the magic he gathered with her horn, flinching when the concentrated magic almost burned her, but still managing to channel it back into Equus.
She looked down at Fuji's singed, unconscious body. "I'm sorry!" she held his shoulders, eyes wide with panic as she continued draining his magic, "I'm so sorry!"
Twilight looked down at Fuji's singed, unconscious body. "I'm sorry!" she held his shoulders, eyes wide with panic as she continued draining his magic, "I'm so sorry!"
Twilight scanned Fujiwara's body for any serious injuries. Luckily, as far as she could see, the only injuries he had were various burns throughout his body, not touching any vital organs. He might have trouble eating for a while though.
Twilight sat down and sighed in relief, glad that Fujiwara wasn't hurt. He really was lucky that he didn't die from that... whatever that was.
"Twilight!" Spike rushed over, "Your mane!" He ran over.
"What about my mane?" Suddenly, she smelled something burning. "My mane!"
Twilight dropped on the floor and started rolling, attempting to squish the fire. With Spike's help, the fire was out quickly. Twilight still had some bruises over her body from handling the large amount of magic, but those would heal.
Shaking his head, Robert came back to reality, and looked at the only other human in the world laying on the floor, possibly dead, and probably seriously injured. He was seriously annoyed at the purple mare for trying something so dangerous, but first he had to check if Fujiwara was alright.
He walked over and bent down, placing two fingers on Fuji's neck to check for a pulse. Then cursed, pulling out an old cell phone from his pocket. He turned it on, opened Fuji's eyes, then took a picture with flash on, checking for dilation. Seeing regular dilation, he left Fuji where he was, not noticing that he was slowly waking up.
"I already checked him for any damage," Twilight said.
"I didn't see anything." Robert deleted the most recent picture from his phone, then turned it back off and slid it back into his pocket. "I only saw a bunch of purple flashes." He looked at Twilight, "And why did you do something that dangerous in the first place?"
"I- I didn't know it would be dangerous," She stammered, "Normally even with the worst magical accidents, things like that never happen."
Robert was trying to think of something else that Twilight could have done when Fuji sat up. He rubbed his head, "Whoa, that was pretty cool." He noticed himself drawing even more magic from around him, and had to concentrate to stop it. "So that's magic?"
Twilight nodded and smiled, more happy that she hadn't killed something by accident.
"That's incredible, how did you create something like that?" Fuji asked
Twilight looked perplexed, "We didn't," she answered, "magic has always existed, at least, as far as we know."
Fujiwara looked down in thought, slightly disappointed, "Hmm," He thought out loud to himself, "it's either a property of their planet, or their universe..." He looked up at Twilight, "Have ponies ever been off of their planet?"
Twilight didn't know how the subjects led to each other, but she wasn't complaining, "Well," She smiled, then put her hoof to her maw in thought, "as far as I know there's only one case where a pony has been off planet, and that's the fairy tale of where nightmare moon was banished to the moon."
Fujiwara shivered.
"But if the elements are real as Celestia told me a while back, then the fairy tales have a good chance of being real too..." Twilight continued, remembering something about the elements.
"Does anyone know..." He thought for a while about how to phrase the question, "When on the moon, could... Nightmare moon use magic?"
Twilight thought, "Actually, no one knows what anything is like up on the moon. And Nightmare Moon's supposedly still up there, so it's not like we could ask her..." She started thinking out loud as well, "Maybe I should do some research on the tales of Nightmare Moon, especially the elements."
Fujiwara got up, searching for an appropriate book. Eventually he found something titles "Mare in the moon", "Ah ha!" He brought over a large ladder and plucked out the book...
Robert and Spike stared at Twilight and Fuji for a while, slightly amused by their shenanigans. But that got boring fast.
Spike looked over at Robert, who was sitting comfortably across from him at a table. "So," He started, "You never told me about your siblings."
"Oh," Rob smiled, remembering the subject, "Well first there's Dominick, the oldest. That was a guy that you do not fu- ...mess with," He caught himself, "But if you ever needed help with something, or needed something done, he would make sure it was done and done good. Right now he's a professional scuba diver..."
Spike raised his hand.
"Oh," Robert stopped, "A professional... Well, SCUBA stands for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, it allows humans to breath underwater for about an hour or so. Dominick teaches other people how to use those and explore the underwater world now... Thanks to him, the whole family's got scuba training now." He pulled out his wallet and showed Spike his SSI Open Water Diver badge, then flipped it over, showing a picture of his face next to his typed out name in the top left. Spike noticed the line "Instr.: Dominick Tess Anton" before Rob stuffed the card back into his wallet.
"Cool," Spike sat back, visibly impressed.
"Mhmm," Rob nodded, "You know, you never told me about-"
"SPIIIKE!" Twilight yelled, then rushed over to the two, interrupting their conversation. She floated over a scroll and a quill, "Spike," She repeated, "I need you to write me a letter-"
"What?" Robert looked down, squinting, "Write it yourself, we're having a conversation."
Spike was about to hop down and help Twilight, but now he was just looking back and forth between the two creatures.
"Bu-" Twilight looked back up with equal surprise and confusion, "I don't have any claws, if I write it takes forever or looks bad."
"Then have Fuji write it," Robert answered.
Twilight paused for a second, then turned around and yelled, "FUJI!" And galloped off.
Spike turned back around, "What about your other siblings."
"Okay..." Robert thought, "There's Nicole Tess Anton, the only real way to describe her is that she's the doctorest doctor you'll ever doctor. I mean, She probably has doctorates in every doctoral degree that medical doctors could doctor up..."
"That's a lot of doctors..."
"Spike! Breath fire on this letter!"
"Wait, What!?" Fuji panicked.
"Okay, but isn't Princess Celestia teaching a... class?" Then he looked up at Twilight... and decided it was better to just listen *fwoomf*
"What!? Why!?"
Celestia walked out of her class, trying to avoid being bumped by the horde of students along side her. Trotting back through the hall, she plucked out the scroll that she hastily stuffed away earlier and read... It said something about Nightmare Moon coming back to Equestria three days from now. Of course, she had a prepared response to give, but, seeing that Twilight and friends were still in the library, and seeing that Twilight seemed to have already made a friend, she decided to give her response in person. She would have to redo her BS...
She walked up to Twilight, who was now writing one of tens of scrolls on possible strategies against Nightmare Moon, using their combined technology and magic. This is bad, She thought, They mustn't work together on that; the elements have already been decided! She cleared her throat.
"Oh, hello Princess." Twilight turned around and smiled.
"Hello Twilight," She smiled back down, "I got your letter."
"Oh," Twilight beamed, "So you agree with me?"
Celestia giggled, "Twilight, you know I value your diligence, and that I trust you completely..."
Twilight's smile grew wider.
"But you're getting worked up over an old fairy tale-"
"Actually," Fujiwara interrupted, "I thought the same, so I checked other books and asked the librarians here. They all agreed-"
"It was a popular fairy tale," Celestia corrected herself, "But now that you've brought up the Summer Sun Celebration, I think I'd like you to help organize the event in Ponyville. Don't worry, I'll send you a list detailing everything you need to do."
"What!?" Twilight stomped. "But the fate of Equestria depends on us acting now! You've got my back, right Fuji?"
"Hmm," Fuji answered, "It would make sense if it were a popular tale."
"But..." Twilight stammered.
"I'm glad you agree, and Twilight," She turned, "I think you'll find that Ponyville is very nice this time of year. I couldn't think of a better time to spend your break." She smiled, "Oh, and the townspeople are very nice. I think you should make some nice friends there... I'll arrange a carriage for you and Spike to leave in Two days. Robert and Fuji are already scheduled for an earlier trip." She trotted off, leaving behind a dumbfounded Twilight.
"I- Bu- What the-" Twilight stomped the ground in frustration, but the Princess was no longer there to hear it. Instead, she was talking to the tired dragon and human. Then she must have realized something, because she came trotting back to Twilight, or, no, to Fuji with Robert and Spike following.
"Now that you're both here," She looked at Rob and Fuji, then floated out two maps of Canterlot Castle, "You're both staying in the adjoining castle for the night." She handed them the maps.
"I'm not really tired, but thanks." Fuji replied.
"Well..." Twilight yawned, "I am," Twilight looked out the window at the darkening sky, then picked up the book she was just reading and placed it in her saddle bag, "And I've finished all of my tasks for today." She trotted out of the library, taking Spike.
"I'm going too," was all Robert said before he looked at his map and walked towards the highlighted section.
Sighing, Fujiwara picked up a few books to check out before he went to bed...
Yawning, Fuji took the key that was attached to the map and opened the door to his room. He gently set his stack of books against a marble wall, then plopped down onto the bed. Once under the covers, he remembered to take off his pants, but he didn't remember to close the door.
---
October 8, 2010
Stretching and yawning in the morning light, Fujiwara remembered his dream. It was of unimaginable technology! It was a apace ship meant to carry the entire population of the earth and then some! All the while using energy and material as efficiently as possible. Everything was automated, even the economics and schooling. Everyone was happy, and the ship continually grew as the people on board changed... It was beautiful... But then came the asteroid storm...
He turned over, noticing for the first time that there was a bed across from his. And then he noticed that there was something on it. There was a pink pony with a puffy mane sleeping peacefully.
He shrugged, perhaps it was a cultural difference, or a way of saving space. He didn't mind, in fact, he liked the idea; it was efficient. Smiling, he pulled his pants back on and rolled out of bed, picking up one of the books he checked out from the library. This one was titled, "the 46 standard elements of magic", He skipped the prologue and managed a few pages into the introduction before he felt a warm breeze from over his shoulder...
It reminded him of sweets and food, which in turn reminded him that he hadn't eaten since he got here.
He paused from reading for a second to look down at his stomach.
He turned back to reading, until he noticed two warm fuzzy objects gently resting on his shoulder, and a large fuzzy object right next to his head.
"Kuso!" He freaked out and scrambled away from the object, noticing it was the pink mare that was previously sleeping across from him. "What the heck!?" He asked her.
The pink mare jumped back in surprise, "You can talk!?" She asked back, "Or do you just say "Kuso!"" She mimicked him, "and "What the heck!?"" she mimicked him again, this time jumping back.
"Yes," Fuji deadpanned, "I can talk."
"Whoa!" Pinkie leaned forward and dilated her eyes, "Cool..." She sat back and grinned, "Now you're not just a giant salamander, you're a giant, talking salamander!"
"Actually," Fuji couldn't help but correct her, "I'm a primate, Human specifically. Salamanders aren't even mammals..." He looked off to the window, "Or are Salamanders mammals here?"
"Salamanders aren't mammals?" She asked, tilting her head.
"No, not where I come from," Fuji shook his head, then got up to put his book back.
"Where do you come fro-" She halted, then grinned sheepishly, "Oh, silly me. I haven't even introduced myself yet and I'm already asking where you're from." Suddenly, she stood up and leaned towards Fuji, "I'm Pinkie Pie!"
"Fujiwara Kaito" Fuji replied, setting the book down on the pile.
"Nice to meet you Fuji Kuji!" Pinkie stood up and shook his hand rapidly, which only cause Fuji to look down with slight disinterest.
"Please don't call me that." Fuji looked back and started walking out the door, remembering the map he stuffed into his pocket. Pinkie fell back down, no longer supported by Fuji.
"Okay," She smiled, "How about Fudgy?" She grinned.
"no," Fuji walked out the door and into the
"Warawara?" She raised an eyebrow.
"no."
"Phukha- NO, Fuchsia!" She hopped.
"no," Fuji looked down at the map and turned a corner, heading towards some stairs.
"Kite master," Pinkie waved her hooves around as if she were flying a kite.
"no"
"Fuji water?" Pinkie undulated, mimicking the waves of the ocean.
"no"
"What about just Fuji?" Pinkie asked.
"Okay." He paused, walking in silence for a second, " Why are you here?"
"Oh," Pinkie jumped, completely ecstatic, "I'm here to make preparations for Twilight Sparkle and the Summer Sun Celebration" She blurted.
"I was actually meaning..." Fuji pause, looking around his general surroundings, "more specific. But now I'm curious"
Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie slowly paled. "Oops..." She covered her mouth with her hooves, "I'm not supposed to talk about that..." She paused for a second, then smiled, "I'll just described what led up to that!" Then she grinned even more, "I'm the party organizer for Ponyville, so I have to know what everypony, and I mean everypony, likes and dislikes. And what their birth dates are, and their addresses, their relations to each other. I have to know what they want me to keep secret, and what they want me to tell everypony about. I also need to..."
Pinkie listed countless more items she had to memorize while Fuji made his way to the breakfast area. Finally, she ran out of items.
"That's a lot of stuff to remember," Fuji responded, gazing at the food court through the entrance, noticing it was a buffet, and that there was no cash register or any form of payment. He walked over to left side where all the ponies seemed to be starting. "You could be a... ...Senjutsu-ka..."
"A what?" Pinkie tilted her head and raised an eyebrow, then picked up a plate with her mouth.
Fuji picked up one of the measuring spoons that was in each container of food, deciding to add a little bit of everything to his plate to test what he could eat. "A... leader in battle."
"You mean like a strategist?" Pinkie looked at him, unsure.
"Yeah." He piled on more sampled
"I don't think so." Pinkie shook her head, then picked up 20 dolma and some sweet hummus, "I prefer parties to battles."
"But you lead your party into battle," Fuji smirked, happy that he was able to make a pun in English, even if it was because of a translated video game.
"That doesn't sound like a very fun party," Pinkie frowned while picking up her plate and walking past Fuji to the dessert section.
"I don't know," Fuji smirked again, carrying on the pun, "my parties usually get some nice experience out of battle." A few snickers could be heard from across the room.
Pinkie Placed a perfectly powdered purple plum pinwheel pecan pie on her plate, perched precariously atop her previous pilfers. "You led parties into battles and they had nice experiences from it?" Pinkie was purely perplexed presently.
"Of course," Fuji held back a chuckle, luckily he just sounded like he was overjoyed. He paused for a second at the end of the buffet line, then gave up for something he wasn't sure worked, "How else do you elevate everyone's levels?" A grazing group of guards giggled.
"Well I don't bring them into battles, that's for sure." Pinkie looked back at him before taking her plate off the counter to see if he was joking, when she noticed him trying to hide his smirk...
"You were joking this whole time!?" She complained. The group of guards started laughing. Pinkie looked over at them in confusion; she had tried to get the guard to laugh earlier, and they were the toughest crowd, now they were laughing but everypony else wasn't. "But that's not fair!" she cried, "I don't get the joke!"
Fuji walked over to the table and sat down, "I play a lot of RPGs, usually you control a team of players called a party, who you level up through experience points."
"Ohhhh!" Pinkie smiled, then giggled at the pun. "But what's an RPG?" The glancing guards gawked.
Fuji smirked, this mare was going to know everything about jRPGs by the time he was finished testing his food.
Robert stretched and yawned in his bed. He felt more rested than he had felt in a long while. He looked across the room, and instead of seeing a cute mare on a bed, he found his clothes that he hurriedly threw against the wall last night. Why was he in such a hurry anyway?
Sighing contently, he tossed the covers off himself, revealing his hairy 40 year old naked body. As he picked himself up off his bed and walked towards his clothes, he started whistling a tune. Picking up and sniffing the clothes, he frowned, realizing he would need more than one pair of clothes if he was staying for multiple days, and did this place have a shower? He checked the map that was also thrown on the floor. Yup, apparently they had showers... but why?
...
He shrugged and put his clothes on. Then he noticed his stomach growling, and decided he would eat first, then shower. So he followed the map to the dining area...
Upon entering the dining area, Robert looked around and found almost everypony staring back at him. It was like entering a class late, but the staring seemed to last longer than normal, and many seemed to be stealing glances back to him and somewhere else... Fuji. It was strange how similar these ponies were to humans, but now he knew both where Fuji was, and breakfast. He smiled as he walked towards the much more important of the choices: breakfast. And then he frowned, noticing he didn't know what most of the things were, or if they were even edible... was that hay?
Looking over the buffet, he picked out a bunch of dolma along with the weird sweet been sauce that was next to it, and, and, looking over at the dessert section, he decided to treat himself to the plum pecan pie.
Now... Fuji... the only other human in this world...
Robert turned to where he remembered and saw Fuji leaning back in his seat, being completely overwhelmed by a pink horse that was practically on top of him. Robert couldn't help but laugh on the inside at the scene.
"Why don't you get it!?" Pinkie leaned forward with her hooves on the table, "That was one of my best jokes!"
"I don't know what a cockatrice is. All I know is that it sounds very feminine from what you say." Fuji shrank in his seat, but still put another sample of food into his mouth.
"You two trading jokes?" Robert asked, pulling up a chair.
"Yeah," Pinkie threw her hooves towards Fuji in frustration, "But this guy isn't getting any of them. It's like he's from a completely different planet!"
Robert just stared at her for a while...
"What?" She cried, exasperated.
"Nothing," Robert answered. "But if we're on the subject of jokes," he grinned evilly, "I've got a coupe of my own."
"Ooh!" Pinkie Pie slammed her hooves on the table, "Lay 'em on me!"
"Okay," Robert cracked his knuckles, which Pinkie stared at curiously for a second, "What's sad about the four earth ponies in a carriage that drove off a cliff?" He had trouble hiding his grin.
"Uh..." Pinkie started moving back a bit, frowning "I- I don't think I like where this is going... Isn't them falling off a cliff sad enough?"
Robert frowned and looked down, ignoring Pinkie's protests "They were my friends..."
Pinkie bit her lip and shifted about. Was that really just a joke? Or was he really just sad and needed something to cheer him up? She needed to give some damage to this situation stat! And then she would have to bring out all the stops! She wasn't going to have a sad human on her hooves!
"Uh," Pinkie stood up and gestured wildly, "the ear- the ponies. Um-"
Robert started fake crying, earning him a glare from Fuji that whispered, what the fuck are you doing?
"It's okay!" Pinkie almost shouted, "I- Uh- ... I'll be your friend!"
Robert looked up, trying his hardest to look sad and not burst out laughing, "Why would you say that?"
Pinkie blanched, "I- What? I don't understand..."
Fuji was now staring at Robert with full on disapproval, but was ignored. He wasn't going to interfere though; this could be interesting, and he still had to sample all of the foods.
Robert slowly transitioned to anger, to anyone that didn't know him, they would have thought these were his genuine emotions. "You think you can just replace my friends?" He said in a cold, accusing voice.
"What? No, I-would-never!" Pinkie waved her fore-hooves back and forth in an X. After only seeing Robert go back into his sadness, she started to panic, quickly and quietly muttering things to herself.
...
Fuji interrupted the silence with a dark and deafening deadpan, "Robert, I think you're taking things too far."
"Taking what too far?" Rob went back to his normal emotions as if Fuji had flipped a switch.
"Oh, sorry," He grinned sheepishly, "that was probably a bad joke," now his grin turned devilish, "I'll make up for-"
"THAT WAS A JOKE!?" Pinkie Pie screamed. "THAT WAS HORRIBLE! IT MADE EVERYONE FEEL WORSE! Everyone in this room is now sadder thanks to you!" She narrowed her eyes and pointer her hoof at him, "Why would you even do something like that!?"
"Sorry," rob apologized, annoyed at Pinkie's loudness, "I said I'd make up for it."
"You better..." Pinkie Pie squinted, then sat back down.
"Okay," Robert readied himself with some breathing exercises...
"What's worse than a snack rotting before you can eat it?"
Pinkie turned her head to the side and muttered, "I hate when that happens..." She turned back and raised her hoof in question, "What?"
"Miscarriage." Robert deadpanned.
Fuji pushed himself away from the table, feeling the building tension. He picked up his plate, still sampling... He figured he could always step in if Robert really went too far with... whatever he was doing.
Pinkie coughed, nearly choking on some of her food, then looked at Robert with a look that just cried seriously? She started shaking her head "uh-uh, no, you should not be allowed to tell any more jokes."
Robert looks at her with puppy dog eyes. To anyone else, this may have been the most repulsive sight on earth, but to Pinkie, it was a look she couldn't take at all, from anything. "But I still have one more..." Robert pleaded.
Pinkie gave an unsure glare back, but she had already succumbed to the sight that most would have either classified as laughable or disgusting.
"Fine..." Pinkie deadpanned, "One more joke. But this one better be fun and not... whatever your jokes are. Your jokes are almost as mean as breaking promises"
"Oh, it will be." Robert rubbed his hands together, then restarted his breathing exercises. Truthfully he didn't have a third joke, but then he heard her say promises...
"Okay," he breathed out, readying his body for what was sure to come, "Actually, I promise never to make a bad joke again." He nodded, seemingly resigned to his destiny.
Pinkie's eyes widened, "Do you Pinkie promise?"
"Uh... sure." Robert held out his pinkie finger at Pinkie, Pinkie only stared at the pinkie.
"I think I'm missing something here," She mused at the appendage.
"Anyway, I Pinkie promise." Robert states.
"Wait-a-minute," Pinkie interrupted, "that's not how you Pinkie Promise."
"Oh?" Robert raised an eyebrow.
"Like this!" Pinkie moved herself into a sitting position and readied herself for all the regular motions, "Cross my heart, Hope to fly, Stick a cupcake in my eye."
"Okay," Robert smirked, then readied himself for similar motions, though it would still be a bit embarrassing, "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye," He wasn't sure where he heard that phrase, and it was strange that Pinkie's phrase rhymed so perfectly, but whatever.
Pinkie cringed and held her hooves over one of her eyes.
"I will never tell such bad jokes again," Robert clarified.
Pinkie sat back breathed a sigh of relief.
"Okay..." Robert started, breathing in and out, readying his body for tackling, "What's sad about the four earth ponies in the carriage that drove off a cliff?" He repeated.
Pinkie gave a half disgusted, half unsure face before asking in a lowered voice, "...what?"
Was he seriously going to-
"They were my friends..."
Pinkie Pie gaped. Her left ear and right eye started twitching as she stared at Robert. Did he just? No, he definitely did... That has to be some sort of sick world record of promise breaking... And he had to tell the worst joke too.
"Oops," Robert laughed, "I already told that one. I guess technically that means I broke my promise... " He shrugged, "Oh well"
Pinkie pie felt something burning hot slowly take over her. Something in the back of her mind told her that this was what anger felt like. But this couldn't be anger... anger was never this powerful...
Robert looked down at the twitching, red-faced pinkie, laughing his victorious laugh. He had successfully broken the pony... He wasn't even sure why he wanted to do so in the first place any more, but the results were so satisfying... Unfortunately for him, as he looked down at Pinkie's reddening face, all of his defenses lowered at the adorableness of her anger.
"That isn't funny..." Pinkie Pie tried using Robert's breathing exercises to calm herself, unsuccessfully. "You can make fun of almost anything you want. But do not make fun of my promises!" She glared.
Fuji felt his danger sense tingle, and edged closer to the table with his sample tray.
"Oh, come on," Robert looked at her, bemused, "Who could take a "pinkie promise" seriously? And I only started telling those jokes because your "humor" seemed to be irritating Fuji." Robert looked over.
Pinkie Pie looked over at Fuji with sadness in her eyes. Fuji just held the tray of food to his chest in fear, as if he had been caught red handed.
"Is this true?" Pinkie squeaked.
"No!" Fuji shook his head rapidly.
"Liar," Robert glared, then turned back to Pinkie Pie. "Seriously, you gotta learn something about personal space. I haven't seen any other ponies ignore implicit social rules as much as you do."
"Personal space?" Pinkie Pie tilted her head and held her hooves apart from each other, "implicit social rules?" She acted as if she were holding a scroll.
Robert face-palmed, "Your friends must all be push-overs or idiots if you can get away with that stuff..."
Pinkie suddenly stopped her decent into sadness at the mention of the word: "friends."
"...Nopony..." She whispered, slowly looking up at Robert with a face entirely devoid of expression. He felt a chill climb up his spine, "Nopony," Pinkie repeated in a much louder tone, "Insults. My. Friends!"
Pinkie Pie leapt clean over the table at Robert, who barely managed to avoid her. Fuji ran up and tried to hold Pinkie back, "Stop it!" he pleaded. But Pinkie was no longer able to listen to reason. She easily peeled Fuji's arms off of her and exploded at Robert with tremendous speeds.
Princess Celestia Walked over to the lunch room to check on Robert and Fuji, and then to tell Pinkie her carriage was ready.
"YOU ASS SLAVING, CUNT, MOTHER BUCKER!" Pinkie Pie shot out of Fuji's grasp and propelled towards Robert's amused yet slightly terrified face. Robert barely had time to dodge, and that was only because Pinkie was making such wasteful movements in her anger.
Celestia stared at the scene from behind the crowd, stunned, mouth agape.
Pinkie hit the ground, and the gathering crowd parted around her as she shot back towards Robert at speeds he didn't think possible. He didn't even have time to dodge before Pinkie rammed her head against his abdomen, knocking the wind out of him.
Pinkie stood on top of him, breathing heavily in rage, but stopped when she noticed him laughing in joy and felt something strange stroking her hair.
"ah- ... ha ha..."
Pinkie turned to where the raspy laughter was coming from. She was looking down at Robert, who had one of the most genuine smiles she had seen in a while, and... was he petting her?
"HA Hahahaha..." Robert laughed. "That was exciting!"
Pinkie looked at him, completely confused.
Robert slowly picked himself back up, picking up Pinkie Pie as well and holding her at arms length. She started flailing about, trying desperately to hit Robert.
Finally, Celestia snapped out of it, and flew above the crowd. "Pinkamena Diane Pie!" Celestia bellowed.
Pinkie's face went white with fear. No pony had called her that in a long time, so why did it have to be such a bad moment? Why was her princess and friend yelling at her like that? She stopped flailing and swung forward, breaking out of Robert's grasp and clinging to his torso.
"You have used obscene language in the vicinity of foals! And you have attacked another without provocation!" Celestia glared. Pinkie Pie held on to Robert even more tightly. Robert was starting to have a hard time breathing.
"Explain yourself!"
Pinkie Pie tensed one last time, then slowly removed herself from Robert, and plopped onto the floor.
She sat in front of the princess giving a sheepish grin while shivering from a cold sweat. "Uh..." She squeaked, continued her sheepish grin a bit, then looked down. "Oh no..." She said quietly, staring at the floor, "I'm guilty of everything..."
"Pinkie Pie-" Celestia started. But she was cut off when Robert stepped in front of the cowering Pinkie Pie with an expression that could have given a dragon pause.
"Hold on." Robert gave a "stop" gesture with his hand, "She didn't attack without provocation, I definitely provoked her. And I think that would also make me responsible for the swearing in front of... foals?..." He looked around, raising an eyebrow at the horse lingo, "foals, as well."
Princess Celestia regarded Robert for a second, then looked down at the Pinkie Pie cowering between his legs...
"Pinkie Pie, could you explain things a little better?"
Pinkie Pie looked up at her mentor with scared, unsure eyes, then started to recant everything that happened since she woke up. though she still stayed close to Robert, she did move out from under his legs.
Celestia cut her off when she started explaining her previous explanations.
"M-hmm," Celestia finally nodded then looked to Robert. "This wouldn't be the first time he provoked somepony- or, someone to violence," She squinted, and added threateningly "I hope this doesn't become a trend..."
"Oh, of course not!" Robert bull-shitted.
Celestia squinted harder.
Robert gulped, suddenly not feeling as alpha anymore.
"And Pinkie," Celestia turned back to the mare and furrowed her brow, "you shouldn't be so quick to anger."
"But he insulted my friends!" Pinkie complained, throwing out her hooves.
"Yes," Celestia closed her eyes, "He did." She reopened her eyes and gave Pinkie a cold, hard stare, "But that alone does not give you the right to assault him..."
After a few seconds of starting, she let up, and looked at Robert and Fuji, "...Anyway, now that you're here, I think I should tell you that you'll both be heading to Ponyville with Pinkie Pie. I think it's best that you all find some actual homes and places to work, plus" she leaned in to Robert and Fuji, then looked around at the murmuring crowd, "I think it's best you don't overstay your welcome," She hissed.
Robert stared down at her. He noted that Pinkie was not receiving any punishment for aggravated assault.
Princess Celestia waved goodbye to the secret carriage that carried the trio... Luna's carriage...
Why did everything have to remind her? Why was the pain getting worse now, not better?
Princess Celestia tried to get some rest, but something was bothering her. Thinking back on it, she was pretty harsh to Pinkie Pie... actually... that poor mare was shivering, wasn't she...
She sighed, then levitated ink, quill, and paper in front of her.
"Dear Pinkie Pie,
I apologize for my accusations during your stay at Canterlot. I was simply shell shocked from the circumstance, and acted too hastily. If I scared you or hurt you, I am deeply sorry; I care about all of my little ponies, and it hurts me whenever any of them come to harm. I wish to be loved and admired as the princess of Canterlot, not feared.
If you can think of any forms of compensation that would make up for my actions, please give your requests in the blank space on this scroll.
Caring about you, Princess Celestia"
"Philomena..." Celestia called out.
A beautiful phoenix swooped down and burned the scroll, sending it to Pinkie Pie.
Satisfied, Celestia laid down to rest...
*pop*
A scroll dropped right on her head, opening it, she saw her own apology letter. She looked down...
"I'll take apologies in the form of differing royal deserts sent directly to my door-step daily."
Celestia gaped a bit, Pinkie was definitely milking this... or maybe Robert stole the letter and wrote something quickly before telling the guards to send it...
Either way, Celestia intended to make good on her apology... even if she would have to give up more than a few desserts...
