The audience cheered as the camera zoomed back onto the host, readjusting his tie and swiping lint off of his brown suit.
Alex Trebek welcomed the admirers of the show, “And welcome back to Equestrian Jeopardy. You may notice that I am wearing a different suit, Derpy Hooves thought that water balloons… actually floated.” He gave the mailmare an incredulous look.
“I just don’t know what went wrong!”
“Yes, but I think the rest of us do.” He took a large sigh. “Let’s take a look at our contestant’s scores. Princess Luna is in the lead with negative four thousand points…”
“We do not answer in the form of the question if we know it already!” the space princess argued in her royal Canterlot voice, pointing a hoof at Trebek.
Taking a large pause, the stressed anchor continued, “in second place is Derpy hooves with negative eight thousand points… because she has answered every question so far with ‘what is a muffin?’.”
The mailmare continued to press the buzzer, despite there being no question available. He would have paid no attention to it, except she was slamming it with her face… repeatedly.
“Quite. And last we have, and I can’t believe he’d be here, but in third place with negative ten thousand points is Sean Connery.”
“Well Trebek, it looks like you finally got your wish, you’re in a land of talking horses. Now if you could only find that stallion you were looking for.” He finished off with his infamous hearty laughter.
“Someone please get me out of this living nightmare… let’s look at the categories. We have:
‘Potent Potables’
‘What would Rainbow Dash do?’
‘Supernatural creatures’
‘Sun or the Moon’-That’s where we show a picture and you tell us if it’s the Sun or the Moon.
‘Wing-Bone E.R. Surgeons’
‘Edible or inedible’
And ‘The fourth wall.’
We’ve recently been informed that a pink pony by the name of Pinkie Pie has recently smashed this wall to pieces, making this category completely useless. It has been determined that if you choose this category, you automatically get the points. So please…pick this one. Princess Luna, it is your board.”
The midnight maiden spoke, “We’ll take ‘Sun or the Moon’ for six hundred.”
“Very well, this picture is of…”
*Bring!* Ringing in first, Luna answered, “Tis the moon! We shall take ‘Friendship lessons’ for six hundred.”
“Unfortunately Princess, that is not the correct way to answer the question. May I remind you, yet again, that you must answer in the form of a question.”
*Bring!* “Yes, Mr. Connery.”
“What is your mother’s backside.”
“No, Mr. Connery, that is not the correct answer.”
“Really? Because I got a full moon last night in bed, Trebek.”
Taking a deep breath, Alex deadpanned, “I can’t believe I didn’t see that coming… let’s move on to ‘Edible or not Edible’ for eight hundred, shall we?” The slide blocking the question moved out of the way. “Name something that is not edible.”
*Bring!* “Yes, Ms. Hooves.”
“Who is a muffin!”
“I’m afraid that a muffin is not a ‘who’.”
*Bring!* “Ms. Hooves you already rang in.”
“What is a muffin?”
“Close, but that is something edible…”
“But I can eat it…”
“And now you know what edible means…”
*Bring!* “Yes, Mr. Connery?”
“What is your tacky suit, Trebek.”
Taking a large swig of whiskey from a tiny canteen, Trebek drowned his recent insult. “Though you have insulted me, that is still technically correct. That makes it your board Mr. Connery.”
“Ahh yesh, I’ll take Wingboners for four hundred.”
“No Mr. Connery that’s Wing-Bone E.R. Surg- you know what, never mind, let’s all move on to final Jeopardy. The final category is…
‘Write a sentence’.
It can be any sentence, any sentence at all. A short one…a long one… maybe even one that isn’t grammatically correct. Just write something, anything that starts with a word and ends with a period.”
A few moments later, the timer rings.
“Ok, let’s see what everyone has written. First we have Princess Luna who wrote…
…A contract sending me to the moon.” Looking down for a moment, he continued, “and you wagered…
Your signature decreeing it official… lovely.” Several night guards could be heard entering through the back of the set, their boots clanking against the ground. “Let’s finish this before I suffer in space.”
“HA HA! Thou hast been under ownership!”
“I believe the expression today is ‘owned’, Princess. Anyways…” he walked over to Derpy’s podium, who was blowing spit bubbles. “Let’s see what you offered Ms. Hooves. You put…”
“…the top part of a muffin. And let me guess what you wagered.”
“Yes, the rest of the muffin… and a smiley face. Truly fascinating.” Reaching the final contestant, he took a larger-than-life sigh, expecting impending doom or some ridiculous insult from the attendee. “Mr. Connery, let’s get this over with. You put down…”
Taken aback for a moment, Alex held a hand to his chest. “Wow, I’m speechless Mr. Connery. Do you really think that?”
Taking a moment to be serious, the normally sarcastic and verbally abusive contender replied, “Well, I know that sometimes I can be a bit off-key, Trebek. I hope you know that it’s all in good fun.” He patted his shoulder with a warm grin, emphasizing his good nature. “I also really like your suit, much better than the previous one you wearing earlier.”
“Thank you Sean that’s, very nice of you to say.”
“It’s no problem, Trebek.”
“Well, I seem to have misjudged you…friend,” he added tentatively. “Let’s see what you wagered.”
“How did I not see that coming…”
Sean again followed with his hearty laugh. “Oh suck it up you pansy.”
*Bring!* “What is a muffin!”
“Ms. Hooves, the game has ended, there is-“
*Bring!* “Who is a muffin!”
“Ms. H-“
*Bring!* “MUFFIN!”
*Bring! Bring! Bring!* “Muffins!”
“Thank you all for coming to Jeopardy, if I haven’t committed suicide by the next show, I shall see you all next week,” he said as monotone as possible while walking off the set, head down. The lights dimmed out, as the television went to commercial.
“Well,” I said, “I guess they’ve officially run out of ideas now.”
The audience once again resumed cheering and clapping for their apathetic host as the game show quickly resumed.
Alex Trebek, monotone as ever, greeted the crowd in the stands. “Welcome back to Equestrian Jeopardy: Unicorn Challenge. We would first like to send an apology to all Diamond Dogs who were offended by being called ‘Rock humpers.’ Rest assured, we are carefully monitoring Mr. Connery this round to prevent any other vocal mishaps.”
Despite not being on camera, a hearty laugh could be heard from the side lines.
“Anyways,” Trebek continued, “let’s review our contestant’s scores. First we have Trix-“
“That is THE Great and Powerful Trixie to you! Mind your manners Mr. Trebek for you are in the presence of…” she whipped her star speckled cape over her front, half masking her face and then immediately afterwards ripped it off and a show of fireworks, albeit small, dazzled the stage. “TRIXIE!”
Ducking from a stray explosion, the anchor replied, “unsurprisingly, that’s the eighth time she’s done that tonight. It’s a miracle she still has anything under that cape… moving on… the Great and Powerful Trixie has negative four hundred points.
Next we have Sweetie Belle with negative two thousand points, which is still impressive when she disproved us about things that can go in bowls… specifically toast.”
The young filly grinned from ear to ear.
“Simply adorable. And last we have… and I don’t know how he got on to this episode, but we of course have Sean Connery with negative four thousand points.”
“Oh Trebek, you know I got on here because I was a stallion feeling a bit horny.”
“You do realize you said that in front of a mere child Mr. Connery. Trixie is appalled,” Trix- oh no wait I just wrote that.
“Yesh and you’re a whiney bitch,” he astutely jested. Sweetie Belle thankfully didn’t seem to be paying attention during the insult or when the blue unicorn was charging her horn in retaliation.
“Before we burn down the studio, let’s introduce our categories. We have:
‘Potent Potables’
‘Alexander the Great’
‘Isotopes’
‘Cake or not?’ In this category we show you a picture and you say if it’s a cake.
‘Famous Assassinations’
‘Best Pony’ Just say a pony and you win, I don’t really care who…
And ‘Various fabrics’.
“Trixie, will-“
“Ahem.”
A sigh that could fill a blimp in one swoop escaped from his mouth. “The Great and Powerful Trixie, it’s still your board.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie will choose ‘Best Pony’ for six hundred,” she humbly stated. “And as an added measure, Trixie would like to answer the question before the card is removed.”
“Can she do that?” Sweetie Belle asked from her podium.
“Not really, but at the risk of another fireworks display I’ll let it slide.”
“Very well, the answer to your question is… TRIXIE!”
“You forgot your suffix ma’am, the great and stupid whore,” Sean added with contempt, slightly miffed that somepony was show boating more than he.
“Actually Mr. Connery, we still have yet to read the card.” The slide blocking the card was moved out of the way. “Naming someone other than yourself, name a Best Pony.” The great and dumbfounded Trixie dropped her great and low jaw.
*Bring!* “Who is Rarity!”
“Th-that’s a correct answer Ms. Belle. We may have some hope for the future yet!” Trebek added with enthusiasm. “The board is yours.”
“I want ‘Various Fabrics’ for eight hundred, please.”
The question was revealed. “What is the fabric made at a Cotton Plantation?”
*Bring!* “What is silk?” Sweetie Belle buzzed in.
“Unfortunately, that is incorrect. And you broke our game show’s record of most correct responses in a row… one.
“Dumb Fabric…”
*Bring!* “What is Trixie’s amazing clothes?”
“Close… but again no. Mr. Connery, since they both failed to answer the question correctly, it is now your board.”
“I’ll take ‘Alex is a Famous Ass’ for six hundred.”
“Mr. Connery that’s not a-…”
“I thought we frisked you before you came in Mr. Connery.”
“You did, Trebek. And you did find a marker, but you stopped searching, thinking I wouldn’t bring two.”
“Clearly next time we need to beef up our security…”
Intervening for no apparent reason, Sweetie Belle asked, “Mr. Connery? What’s your cutie mark?”
Sean had to do a double take at the cream colored filly.
“Clearly it’s a brick dearest citizen, for his talent is having no intelligence or surreal presence what-so-ever. But who can showcase their talents near the Great and Powerful Trixie?” she rhetorically finished.
“Yesh, and I imagine you do quite well at the Men’s Club too.”
Seeing the rising tension, Alex Trebek interrupted, “how about we all go to final Jeopardy? The ques- y’know what? Let’s make it really easy tonight since we have Ms. Sweetie belle with us tonight. Write down any math problem, any problem at all, and then answer it.”
The jingle-that-will-get-stuck-in-your-head-for-days played out for a about fifteen seconds before the timer range, announcing that it was time to show results.
“First up, we have Great and Powerful Trixie, who answered:”
“Zero divided by zero. This looks rather promising. And you answered with:”
“Simply astonishing… Next we have Sweetie Belle who answered:
“with…a basic factoring problem. And she answered with:
“The… correct… answers and with work shown. Ms. Trixie I think when you answered the Best Pony question, you should have said ‘Sweetie Belle’!... but last and certainly least we have Sean Connery who answered with:”
“one minues eight hundred… this looks surprisingly promising Mr. Connery. Are you quite alright?”
“Quiet Trebek, I feel just fine.”
“Glad to see you’re still there. You answered with:”
“THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE IS GOING TO END YOU, YOU STUPID PIECE OF ASS!”
Hurdling over her and Sweetie Belle’s stands, Trixie pounced on Sean Connery who then repeatedly started to punch his face. Likewise, Sean Connery began to punch her face and the two tussled on to the floor. Sweetie belle was humming a tune all to herself, eyes closed.
“And that’s all the time we have for tonight. Join us next week when we hopefully have guests that don’t try and kill each other…”
A/N: If you see an error, please point it out! Looks like I will be doing more of these. Don't expect updates too often though, I can only write these when I'm in a certain mood.
The camera man, perhaps for the twelve billionth time of his life considering the time span of this show, zoomed in on the host as he made his way on to the set. With his usual apathetic demeanor, Alex Trebek greeted the audience. “And welcome back to Equestrian Jeopardy: Music edition. Today’s match has been going absolutely horrible for two contestants and I for one could not be happier.” The crowd in the stands laughed.
“With that being said,” he continued, “let’s look at our scores. First we have Dj Pon-3, a.k.a. Vinyl Scratch, with a whopping negative eight thousand points.”
“Octavia, babe! I’m on TV!” she waved her hoof to the camera while still maintaining her consistent pattern of head bobbing. Miraculously, her white headphones still hadn’t fallen the entire session.
“I’m sure she’s very proud… next we have Tom the rock who’s in the lead with zero points, a smart maneuver on his part.”
“…” His shades didn’t even move off of his impressive poker face.
“Quite… and finally we have, who somehow manages to make it on to every single episode, Sean Connery with negative four thousand and five hundred points.”
“What can I shay Trebek, I just have the music in me."
“Right, well before I get interrupted let’s i-“
The spikey haired Dj blurted out, “Yo Treble!”
“It’s pronounced Trebek, and yes, what is it this time Ms. Scratch?”
“When are we gunna hit up those new catagories?”
“I was just ab-“
“Because Octavia and I were gunna hit a club!”
Tom sat there quietly… like an immovable boulder.
“This is why I hate my job. Let’s move on to the catagories. We have:
‘Potent Potables’
‘Sing your ABC’s’
‘The Grand Staff’
‘Don’t do anything’ For this category I’d like to remind our contestants not to do anything and you win.
‘Piano or Panflute’
‘Things that rhyme with Silver’
And ‘name that color’.”
Tom stared down the competition by focusing on the board.
“Ms. Scratch, the board is yours.”
“Ok Treble, I’ll take Potent Potables for six hundred.”
Trebl- err, Trebek stood there at his podium, dumbfounded. “You chose Potent Potables?”
“Yeh, why not Treble, sounds spankin’!”
“Well… no one in Jeopardy history has actually ever chosen that category. We don’t even have any cards for it.”
“In that case Trebek,” Sean Connery jumped into the conversation, “I’ll take The Grand Staff for four hundred.”
Again, the host stood bewildered. “You’re going to take The Grand Staff… no dysfunctional joke?”
“Well, Trebek, I would have insulted yours, but how can I insult something you don’t have?”
Despite how hilarious the joke was, Tom kept his mute expression without even the slightest indication of flinching.
“I really should have seen that coming… how about we move on to the question. It is: ‘Name the letters on the Grand Staff.’”
*Bring!*”Yes, Mr. Connery.”
“G-r-a-n-d-s-t-f.”
“I’m sorry but that’s incorrect.”
“Clearly you don’t know how to spell, Trebek.”
“Mr. Connery it’s n-“
“I once won the spelling bee in high school. Let me show you my skill by spelling out ‘your mom’. B-I-T-.”
*Bring!* “Yes, Ms. Scractch.”
“Hey Treble, where’s the rest room?”
“It’s through that backstage door.” He pointed with his thumb at the general area where the exit resided.
“Thanks!” she showed a quick bout of appreciation and charged off the set. Tom didn’t seem to notice.
“Well, that was… interesting. While we are waiting on Ms. Scratch to conduct her… business, let’s have Tom the rock take the board.”
*Bring!* “Mr. Connery, there hasn’t been a question yet.”
“I know that, Trebek. But I can’t believe you’d stoop so low as to ask a rock a question and actually have him respond.”
“Frankly Mr. Connery, he’s done better than every single game you’ve ever done on this stage.”
“Well Trebek, how about a small wager.”
“…go on.”
Sean grasped both sides of the podium. “If I lose this game, I’ll pay you one hundred dollars.” He paused for a moment. “But if I win, Trebek, you have to come to next show with a shaved head and moustache.”
“Take the bet!” Vinyl’s voice rang out from the bathroom, somehow managing to hear the entire thing.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this, but alright Mr. Connery, you have a deal.”
Tom knew that actions spoke louder than words, so when he didn’t do anything, he really said a lot more than he should have. Thankfully, no one heard his slander.
“Very well, we’re going to go straight to final Jeopardy then so we can get Mr. Connery, and my stress medication, over with.”
“One second Treble!” the head bobbing Dj asked. A hushed “flush” could be heard in the background before the musically inclinded mare returned to her podium. Tom would have greeted her, like the polite gentlestone he is, but he took his competition very seriously.
“Ok… the final Jeopardy is: Draw an instrument. Any instrument, any one at all. A trumpet, a tamberine, or even a Kazoo. Anything… anything at all.”
The timer rang along with the ceasing of the song.
“Alright, let’s start with Ms. Scratch. You drew:
“Yourself at a rave with a remixer, and you wagered…”
“…thank goodness that it’s censored.”
“I told you Octavia that I’d do it! BAM!”
“Right… next we have Tom the rock with…”
“Ahh, keeping the no answer tactic. Smart move. You wagered…”
“Nothing… of course. Finally we have Sean Connery who submitted…
“A banana, which is incorrect… and wagered…”
“How do I not see any of these coming?”
Tom stood there modestly as he accepted his winnings, not moving a muscle.
“Join us next time for Jeopardy: Doubles edition, where two contestants are at each podium.”
The producer walked backstage to see what the commotion was about. There, in the dressing room, was an infuriated Alex Trebek ranting ceaselessly about something to do with the guests.
With a gentle knock, Trebek’s boss walked inside. “Something the matter Trebek? You’ve been in here far to long for commercial breaks.”
“I can’t do it anymore! I can’t keep that stupid stoic attitude on stage!” A lamp crashed into the wall, shattering into a thousand itty bitty blue shards.
“Alex, listen, I know you’ve been doing the show for a long time, so how about this? You go out there, finish this episode and you can get a break next week. Also, I won’t dock your pay.”
Holding his fist in the air, he paused as he considered the thought. “No pay dock?”
“No pay dock.”
He unclenched his hand, lowered his arms and recollected himself, wiping sweat off of his brow from his “unprofessional tantrum”. With a swift combing of his mustache, he replied, “alright, I’m in.”
~~~
The camera man received a sudden cue to re-zoom back onto the stage. He honestly didn’t think Trebek would return after what had happened, but a cue’s a cue. The lens centered the host, appearing completely calm, as he continued the show.
“And welcome back to Equestrian Jeopardy: Doubles edition. We would like to apologize for my sudden leaving last session but as you can imagine, having chili pepper juice sprayed on your underwear isn’t exactly… comfortable.”
“Oh let’s face it Trebek, at least you were hot in the pants while staring at a woman for once,” Sean Connery interrupted.
“I bet you had that saved in a vault, Sean.”
“As a matter of fact I did, Trebek. As a matter of fact, I did.”
“Right, well, yes, Sean Connery is here, but let me re-introduce the contestants. First we have teacher Ms. Cheerilee and Twilight Sparkle who would probably be in the lead if they weren’t making out the entire time. They’ve accumulated zero points.”
“Mmmph, MMmm!” A loud thump vibrated through the stage as the two disappeared behind the podium.
“Quite… Next we have Gilda and Flutterbi- err, fluttershy in second place with negative three thousand points.”
“Yeah yeah yeah mustache,” the griffon ordered, “just get on with it.”
“When someone introduces themselves over you, make sure they get a clue!” Fluttershy raged, smacking a pail over the griffons head. They too began a fight, completely hidden behind the double podiums.
“This is why I have stress lines… Last we have, quite unbelievably, Sean Connery and Trixie who are in last place with negative forty thousand points.”
“You say in last place dearest Trebek,” the showmare inclined, “but the Great and Powerful Trixie cannot lose at something that has no point.”
“That, and it’s been tremendous fun answering everything with ‘what is Trebek’s mother!’” Sean added with a hearty laugh. They hoof/hand bumped and laughed in unison at the disgruntled host.
“Truly, a force worth reckoning with.” His face lightened as a thought occurred to him. “How did you two even come to terms, Mr. Connery?”
“Well Trebek, after our last fight, we both agreed that you were the catalyst to our dilemma; so when we heard there was a doubles round, we allied together to take you down.”
“The Auspicious and Renegade Connery has been quite helpful in helping Trixie rise to fortune. As of now her stock prices are rising by making a fool out of you dear Trebek. When I’m done, the only thing they’ll call you, is loser.”
“ Let’s avoid all this nonsense and get straight on to the catagories.”
“Straight? That’d be a first for you, wouldn’t it Trebek?” they said in unison.
“… right, the categories are:
‘Potent Potables’
‘Things your dad might say.’
‘Ping-Pong’
‘Famous bloggers'
‘Kings of England’
‘Identifying circles’
And ‘ Trebek, go suck your own-‘
Ok, who replaced the sign with that profane noun?”
“Replacing things is easy when you have magic on your side, dearest Trebek. But I didn’t make it, the Auspicious and Renegade Connery had it specially prepared for the occasion.”
The griffon was on the floor, laughing with a black eye while the butterscotch pegasus propped her hooves on her side of the table, unamused. Twilight and Cheerilee would have added something, but a rhythimic pounding suggested that they were up to more… passionate affairs.
“But, uhm, could we please get them a room please?” Fluttershy squeaked.
“Why Fluttercry? Can’t handle a little intense romance?” Trixie jested. Another hand to hoof bump from G.A.P Trixie and A.A.R. Connery.
Her assistant wasn’t much support as the arrogant griffon continued chuckling. “If someone laughs in your face, show them their place!” Another fight ensued.
“Right… Since everyone else is occupied, I must reluctantly give the board to Sean and Trixie. Your pick, you two.”
“We’ll take that last category, dear Trebek.”
“Ok, how about we take “Identifying circles” for four hundred instead. Is this:
A circle?” *Bring!* “yes, Mr. Connery?”
“What is, your mother’s tit?”
Hoof to hand bump.
“I’m sorry but that’s incorrect.”
*Bring!* “yes, Ms. Sparkle.”
*Bring! Bring bring-br-br-bring-bring!*
“Mr. Trebek, uhm, their buzzer fell on the floor and uhm,” Fluttershy stopped as a rush of blood flowed to her cheeks. *Br-b-b-b-b-b-bb-brrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing*
“Wow, I didn’t know Twilight had it in her,” Trixie admitted.
“She had something in her alright,” Sean added with his laugh.
“Ok, this is just enough!” Trebek suddenly announced with rage. “We’re going to final jeopardy, this is beyond ridiculous. I pity whoever has to host the next episode. The final jeopardy is: “Draw a food.” I don’t care, I really don’t.”
The infamous song played for a few moments as ponies and Sean drew their jeopardy.
When it was over, Trebek walked over to the first podium. For the first time this episode, the couple actually spoke. “We’re sorry, Mr. Trebek,” Twilight started, “I-I just don’t know what came over me- err- us.”
“Trixie has a few ideas…”
“This episode wasn’t… public, was it?” Cheerilee questioned anxiously.
“No, we stopped broadcasting this episode about five minutes after you started making out. The producer deemed it… too risqué for public viewing, though due to contractual obligations, we were inclined to finish the recording. This will go on as one of those unmarked episodes that very few people will ever see.”
“Oh thank goodness.” A sigh of relief escaped her muzzle.
“So, let’s see what you two drew.”
“What, is that exactly?” the host asked, befuddled.
“I drew a corndog,” Cheerilee replied. “I drew two cherries. Sorry that they kind of… overlapped,” Twilight finished.
“I… see… at the risk of not going to see the wager, I’m moving on. Actually, no, Gilda and Fluttershy are still beating the daylights out of each other, though they seem to be fighting it out in the air now. So, that leaves us with Sean Connery and Trixie. Let’s see what you two drew.”
“A joke is not a food you two. But… let’s see the wager anyways. It can’t get any worse.”
“And welcome back to Equestrian Jeopardy,” greeted Trebek to the lovely cheering audience. He took in a hefty sigh and grasped his podium, continuing with the welcoming, “For those of you joining us right now and wondering why a few of the stage lights are out and or completely missing, it’s better that you don’t ask.”
The nameless camera man was tempted to pan to the contestants, but he knew his place and waited for the stage manager to give the line.
“Right, so, let’s start with the scores. In last place with an astounding negative two hundred thousand –which is more points than on the board- is Mr. Connery. Mr. Connery, how was your break during this season’s unexpected hiatus?”
“Up yours Trebek, just like when I was with your mother.” He stroked his Lincoln beard while giving his trademark laugh at other’s expense.
“I’m glad to see you haven’t lost any of your charm. Next up is a surprising twist as for once we have two humans on the show, not including myself.”
“I always counted it as one, Trebek,” Sean admitted. “I never count pansies as people.”
Continuing as if nothing had happened, Alex announced, “Bert Reynolds with-“
“That’s not my name,” he interviened while smacking on some mint gum.
*Sigh* “Of course… Mike Hawk, with a score of negative one hundred and forty thousand, is in second place. And in first, by default because he changed his score from a number value to a picture of a rubber duck eating a churro, is Discord.”
“I’m very glad to be here Alex. The chaos here was so enjoyable I just had to come on board.”
“Well, Discord, you’ll be disappointed to know that you’ve actually caused the least amount of trouble.”
The draquon- err, drakk… uhm… the multi-part animal creature thingy replied, “after being set in stone so recently from the Elements of Harmony, my powers have yet to fully recover.”
“Very well, shall we get on to the categories? They are:
‘Potent Potables’
‘Complete this phrase’
‘What not to do at a stoplight’
‘Fruit or power tool’
‘Safe to juggle?’
‘Name an element’
And ‘I’m a jack ass’. Wait that should say… oh you rewrote the panel card... Very classy, Mr. Connery.”
“Don’t look at me, Trebek. It was the hideous result of a group animal orgy that farced your name.”
“Heh, that’s funny,” Ber- … Mike Hawk said pointlessly.
“Perhaps it won’t be so funny,” Discord cautioned, “when I turn that horrible excuse of a beard into a rabid ferret, Connery.”
“Heh, no you can’t.” Mike continued to chew his gum aloud, oblivious to the rising tension he was creating.
“Yes, I can, I’m the god of Chaos!”
“No, I specifically remember, magic doesn’t exist.”
“To avoid more property damage, I’m going to give Discord the board,” said Alex.
“Very well. I’ll take ‘Safe to Juggle' for four hundred.”
The card slid away, revealing:
*Bring!* “Yes, Mike Hawk?”
“What?”
“You buzzed in.”
“No I didn’t.”
Sean Connery couldn’t pass this up. “Trebek just buzzed his own cock!”
*Bring!* “Yes… Mr. Connery?”
“What is very safe?”
“I’m afraid that’s incorrect. Ceiling fans make for very difficult juggling sessions.”
“Nonsense, Trebek. I juggle in your mother to fit into my schedule all the time and that’s a safe thing to do too.”
The host slammed his palm into his face, effectively saying, “how did I not see this coming?”
“Discord, it’s still your move since your contestants failed.”
“Very well, Alex. I shall take ‘Complete this phrase’ for two hundred.”
The panel revealed:
“What happens in Las Pegasus…”
*Bring!* “Yes, Mr. Connery?”
“What is, ‘comes back nine months later’.”
It must have hit a funny spot with the audience because they burst into tears, every last one of them.
“…Sean, for the first time in Jeopardy history, I think you got one right.” Trebek, completely dumbfounded, stood directly into the camera, unsure of what to do.
“Is there a problem?” Discord asked.
“Actually, yes. Sean has failed for so long that we removed the ‘add points button’ a long time ago.”
“Never doubt me, Trebek. Now then, I believe it’s my board now? I shall take ‘Fruit or Power tool’ for four hundred.”
“We have a daily double! Alright, here’s the statement:
A screwdriver is a…”
*Bring!* “Yes, Discord?”
“What is a fruit?”
Taking a deep breath, the host replied, “I’m afraid that’s incorrect, Discord.”
“Nonsense. Both can be eaten.”
As if to prove a point, the god of chaos lifted the tool in question out of a nonexistent pant pocket and started to peel it like it was a banana. The contents were unlike yellow mush and appeared to be more of an apple like compound. Then, he dropped the inner contents onto the floor and ate the peeling. The mush on the ground bubbled up and floated away as if it never existed.
“At the risk of my sanity, I’m not going to question what just happened. Instead, we’re going to proceed to Final Jeo-“
*Bring!*
“Hey uh, Aaron.”
“It’s Alex, Bert.”
“Heh, that’s not my name. Anyways, I didn’t get my turn yet.”
“Your turn for what?”
“To pick a category.”
“You didn’t get anything right, Mr. hawk.”
“Sure I did.”
“No, you really didn’t.”
“Yeah, I specifically remember that one question.”
“You didn’t answer it correctly… we’re moving on. The final Jeopardy is:
‘Write a five letter word.’
It can be any word, any word at all. Even a bad word… just pick one and write it.”
The tune that will inhabit anyone’s mind for days ended.
“Right, let’s see the results, starting from first place. Discord, let’s see what you wrote:
Very well done! A five letter word! You wagered…
“And of course by completing it you purposefully ruined yourself and changed your score to a walrus with a rainbow shooting from its tusks… fantastic. Mike Hawk wrote:
Indeed you did… and your answer is…
“And not one of those words were five in length. I applaud your talents… and last up… amazingly is Sean Connery. He wrote:
And the punchline we can expect is…
Ahh yes, there it is. Thank you all for joining us, I’m going to go commit suicide now.”
The camera man positioned his lens once again at the host. Trebek stepped out to his partially broken podium, it had a large crack running up the side and a hole about the size of a fist in the front that made the word jeopardy look like “pardy” ,and he greeted the audience for the umpteenth time, “And welcome back to Equestrian Jeopardy: Non-pony edition. I for one would like to completely argue that this version goes completely against the title of the show… but my producers have paid me to say it gives them yet another excuse to bring aboard Sean Connery.”
“Speaking of,” he continued, “let’s catch up with the score board. In first place with… three, equal sign, equal sign, ‘greater than’ because he believes numbers aren’t good enough for him anymore, is Sean Connery.”
“What’s wrong, Trebek? I’m just giving you the score I thought you’d like the most. A charitable gesture on my part.”
“Moving on… next up in second place is Iron Will with negative forty five hundred and thirty three points. The only reason he has this score is because, and I quote, ‘he doesn’t believe in the number zero.’”
“Iron Will is here to teach you that nopony should feel like a zero. If you said what you meant, you get that extra percent!”
“I’m completely surrounded by morons.” Alex took a larger than life sigh and continued. “Our last guest this week is Bloomberg from Appleloosa. For those wondering how he’s in last considering he’s… a tree, some of his apples dropped onto the button and he couldn’t answer.”
“Well Trebek,” Sean interrupted, “at least his apples have dropped.”
“Thank you for yet another sexual innuendo. Let’s review the categories for the second round.”
Bloomberg didn’t have any objections to this. He decided to stick it out.
“They are as follows:
‘Potent portables’ It seems as if we have a typo tonight.
‘Things that don’t rhyme’
‘Zoology’
‘What does this smell like?’ In this category, just repeat the object and you automatically win.
‘Male or Female?’
‘Rudimentary procedures for mailing envelopes’
And ‘What not to do at your job’.
Mr. Bloomberg… somehow it’s your turn.”
Bloomberg decided that instead of picking, he’d let Sean Connery go instead. He figures that he and Alex go way back, so he’d rather deduce the root of the problem.
“Ok Mr. Connery, the board is yours.”
“I’ll take zoo orgy for six hundred,” replied he with his scoff.
“Mr. Connery, that’s not zoo-orgy, it’s pronounced zoo-o-logy.”
“Well Trebek, it’s not my fault you don’t know how to pronounce these things.”
“Excuse me, Mr. Connery,” interrupted Iron Will in a strangely calm form, “as a minotaur, I find that joke extremely prejudiced and disgusting. I, and my team of goats, would appreciate it if you didn’t make such a remark at our expense again.”
“Well, you’re not Trebek so I guess I must say yes.” Sean and Iron shook hands like respectable people/ mythical creatures and moved on with the question.
The slide moved out of the way, revealing a picture.
“Does this happen naturally in the wild?”
*Bring!*
“Yes, Bloomberg?”
He forgot what he was going to answer with, so instead of guessing he decided to remain silent. He just couldn’t beleaf that he messed up like this.
*Bring!* Yes, Mr. Will?”
“What is, yes!”
“I’m afraid the correct answer… was no. Mr. Connery, the board is once again yours.”
“Very well Alex. I’ll take Rudimentary procedures for mailing envelopes for three hundred.”
The question was revealed.
“When sealing the envelope with your tongue, do you lick the glue before or after the card has been inserted? I’ll give everyone a large hint. It’s before.”
*Bring!* “Yes, Mr. Will?”
“What is…”
“Come on,” Trebek urged, “think really hard.”
“Before you seal the door! Put the card in before!”
“Mr. Will, that is… correct!” Half of the audience applauded the valiant effort on the beast’s part while the others sat in silence, either disappointed or dumbstruck. “You now get the board.”
“Iron Will will take Male or Female for six hundred and fifteen.”
The slide revealed the picture.
“Is this a man or a-” Trebek paused in disbelief, not really sure how to finish the question. “…woman.”
Nobody pressed the buzzer, holding their heads sideways in bemusement.
“Well Trebek, you either have a whore for a mother or a Twinkie for a father,” scoffed Sean.
“We’re going to skip this question because I’m getting signals from my producer that even he isn’t entirely sure.”
Bloomberg might have been horrified, he was scared stiff in all actuality, be he managed to keep his natural complexion.
“I suppose with that being said we should move on to the final jeopardy.” Alex readjusted his tie and placed his hands on the podium. Within seconds, it immediately crashed into the floor into broken pieces of wood. A control box, hidden from the outside view, smashed into the floor, sending lights and sound effects into a tizzy. One unused strobe light, aimed directly at Iron Will, turned on at high frequency, sending the minotaur into a dizzy fit.
As he stumbled across the stage, knocking over various set pieces and people, he hit the giant jeopardy wall, sending it crashing down. An employee sitting on a table behind it was launched into the air as it acted like a see saw, catapulting the poor soul into a scoop light above. Sparks flew across the stage and other lights frazzled with the same exemplary force.
“Trebek… you ass,” said Sean Connery. “Now we have to wait a few weeks until the set can be rebuilt.”
Bloomberg was just glad the show was over. He was pining to get out of here.
Blah blah blah, something about a camera man, onto another chapter!
“Hello, and welcome back to the seventh installment of Equestrian Jeopardy. Today’s round is involving luck, such as me avoiding a falling house light earlier.”
A crew worker dressed in black scurried across the stage, picking up the broken object in question and sweeping up the glass in seconds. After getting an unexpected audience cheer for his speed, he took a bow and hurried off the stage.
“Tremendous work. Let’s reintroduce our contestants. In last place with negative eight hundred points is Zecora. Now, this isn’t because she doesn’t know the answers. She is above par when it comes to our current champion, Sweetie Belle, but she is having trouble rhyming the answers.” He looked directly at Zecora. “Tell us, why do you rhyme things?”
“At first what started as a game has now turned my wild mind tame.”
He paused, unsure of how to take that. “Ok… very well. In second place with negative one hundred points is Sean Connery.”
“Good evening, Trebek. Feeling lucky I bet?”
Trebek rolled his eyes. “Well, you haven’t made a mother or gay joke against me yet, so it must be a good evening.”
“Can’t wait to hear more of the truth? Well if you must-“
“And moving on!” he interrupted. “Our final contestant in first place is Pinkie Pie with a positive number value of three thousand points. Ms. Pie, how do you explain your success?”
She shifted her eyes with a raised eyebrow. “Are you being serious Trebekky? The questions are sooooo easy. I can get how Zecora might have had trouble rhyming silver during the first round, but any contestant with half of a brain should be able to get these. I’m sorry if that sounds so super meanie, but I thought these would be hard.”
“Like Trebek when he enters a gay bar?”
The pink pony turned to the bearded man. With a frown and concerned eyes, she said, “you weren’t hugged enough as a child, were you?”
He sighed. “No, probably not.”
Out of random kindness, Pinkie Pie walked over to his podium and the two shared a hug. The audience aww’d. Zecora wiped a tear from her eye.
“Well, that was unexpected.” Alex fumbled with his phone and checked the time. “Well, let’s get on with round two. The categories are:
‘Potent Potables’
‘Gambling’
‘Charms’ If you think of the Lucky Charms cereal, you’ll win these.
‘Mythical creatures’
‘Dating’
‘Superior Luck’
And ‘Name the first letter’.
Ms. Pie, the board is yours.”
“I’ll take ‘Name the first letter’ for eight hundred.”
The card slid out of the way. “What is the first letter of the word “Pyknic”?
*Bring!* “The answer must be, what is the letter P.”
“Correct, Zecora you’re now back at zero. The board is yours.”
“In order to stop my rhymed rambling, the category I must choose is ‘Gambling’.”
The card slid out of the way. “When playing roulette, there are two colors on the wheel. Name one.”
*Bring!* “Yes, Mr. Connery?”
“What is the color purple?”
“I’m afraid that’s incorrect.”
“Really? I saw you at a casino once and your face was turning purple every time you lost.”
The host faced the camera directly. “Let it be known that I’m terrible with luck.”
“I’ll shay, Trebek, you haven’t had a date in months.”
Pinkie Pie glared at Sean Connery. “Stop being such a meanie pants to him. At least he has a job running this game show. I can’t remember the last time you were in a good movie.”
The audience gave a low "oooooh".
“Yes, because idiots are making films in Hollywood now,” he retorted, slightly miffed. “And you know, for being such a happy pink pony, you’re not exactly being nice yourself.”
“I’m protecting everyone’s right to laughter and you’re not helping with that. Besides, I’ve gone on psychotic episodes before.”
Alex received the light from the producer to move on before the show escalated any further. “Right, since those two are bickering, we’ll leave you to the board.”
“I'd much rather see this fight, they could go all night.”
“I bet I know why they call you Ms. Pie down at your little bakery,” Sean said with a smile.
“Why’s that?”
“Because you serve your pie to everyone.”
Alex and Zecora stared blankly at the two. “Ms. Zecora, did he just-“
“This is something I do not adore, calling a friend of mine a whore.”
“Why would you-“ Pinkie began sniffling. “I thought maybe I was wrong, that everypony had a little kindness in them, something to laugh about. But you’re just… just…” She took in a larger than life breath. “Mr. Connery, you’re just a mean, horrendous, stupidly stupendous, idiotic, moronic, hurtful, spiteful, mournful, grief causing, heart breaking, life sapping, evil, caniving, horrid, insatiable, demented, twisted, ungenerous, close, greedy, mercenary, mingy, miserly, parsimonious, penny-pinching, penurious, rapacious, scrimpy, selfish, stingy, tight, tight-fisted, and you’re MEAN!
Mean mean mean mean mean mean! You’re so mean, that if every ounce of meanie Mcmeanyness was a drop of water, you’d have enough meanyness to fill an entire ocean! And your beard is so outdated, I feel like I should shave it off and send it into the 1920’s! And why do you have to always call women whores and guys gay!? If the world was like you wanted it, everypony would be into the same gender and we’d all be dead in two generations! Is that what you like Mr. Connery? Death? Or maybe you just have a nineteen yard pole up your caboose and you can’t handle it!”
“Holy-“
“And while we’re on the topic of things, Mr. Trebek!”
The man in question pointed a finger at himself, as if confirming. “Huh?”
“Why do you let this oaf pick on you? He’s on your show! Do you actually like being insulted all the time? Or are they forcing you to deal with it because of ratings? If it’s the latter, Why not find a job where you’re happy? What is wrong with you ponies!?”
“I cannot believe how long her mouth has been running, but I cannot deny Mr. Connery had this coming.”
All eyes were on him. “Ms. Pie. I apologize. I also have a new found respect for you. I never thought I’d say this to a pony with deadly amounts of pink, but I respect you. I’m sorry for any trouble that I may have caused you, I only make jokes out of sport, not malice.”
The two hugged once more, leaving the audience to cheer.
“I’d say this is a perfect time for final Jeopardy, don’t you all agree?”
All three nodded their heads. The little jingle began to play.
“The topic is, name a color. It can be any color, even an abstract one. You can even name a noun and it be correct. Any color. Red, blue, green, yellow, orange, any of those.”
The song ended.
“Right, let’s see the results. Zecora, you wrote:
Unfortunately, stripes are not a color. You wagered:
Nothing, because that is your point value. Very well. Mr. Connery, you wrote:
Pink. That is indeed a color. I’m very proud of you. And the wager is:
I don’t even care if that’s not a correct wager. I think you may have won this round. Pinkie Pie wrote:
I’m not sure how she got those other colors on there. But, she wagered:
