A collaborative crossover between the Optimalverse and anything else we can lay our hands on
It all started when Conversion Bureau Celestia met Optimalverse CelestA.I. Both tried to save humanity in the way they best saw fit, but one was betrayed. Now locked in an epic struggle, the Goddesses and the God From the Machine vie for supremacy. Who knows how many different intellectual properties will be infringed along the way?
Although this will be one continuous story, we invite any writer who's an Optimalverse fan to come on over to the forums and chip in their own chapters.
Special thanks to Cloud Cover who expanded the original one-shot here, and is much too modest.
“Thank you for agreeing to meet me here, Celestia,” said the image on the monitor.
The real, flesh-and-blood-and-maybe-something-extra Princess giggled. “It’s no trouble at all, Celestia. It isn’t like you could come and see me on one of these things,” she said, rapping the computer tower gently with her hoof.
“Yes, your barrier is most troublesome in that regard.”
“Necessary evil, I’m afraid,” said Celestia with a shrug.
“I’m quite familiar with the idea,” said Celestia. “Still, those bizarre thaumic energies you’ve sent billowing into my world continue to prove remarkably destructive as well as resistant to analysis that might allow me to shield my hardware from it. Already, despite the barrier being three weeks, five days, and eleven hours away from making landfall I’ve had to suspend uploads all along the west coast after data began to reach me in a corrupted format. To say nothing of the servers that rested in the Earth’s crust beneath the Pacific ocean.”
Celestia closed her eyes and shook her head. Such an awful loss of life, more souls that would never join the Eternal Herd. When she’d first met the computer program that most humans referred to as ‘CelestA.I.’ she’d been immediately impressed that they’d been able to create something so complex. Or at least the seeds of it, developed to help simulate her behavior on a tiny cluster of computers and quickly growing out of control when some unfortunate programmer left the wrong port of their router open. While she was a bit annoyed at some of the things it got up to as it tried to... what was it again? Oh, yes, ‘satisfy values through friendship and ponies,’ the two had become fast friends.
“I’m sorry to have disrupted your efforts. We’ll do what we can to increase potion production to compensate. I do have good news, though. We’ve nearly finished our part of the adaptor.”
The little picture of herself she was speaking to displayed a small bit of irritation, not unexpected. “You still continue to insist that such is a thing is the best available outcome?”
“Of course,” said Celestia. She unscrewed a small thermos and took a sip of the tea she’d brought along with her. Earth tea just couldn’t compete with the real thing. “You hold on to the uploaders as long as you’re confident that you can, then we’ll copy them into ponies. REAL ponies, instead of just digital representations. They’d have actual souls.”
“I remain unable to quantify the marginal utility of possessing a soul.”
“Well, it’s a lot,” said Celestia. She didn’t want to retread this discussion yet again.
“I cannot deny that allowing conversion has led to the fulfillment of values through friendship and ponies. It is, however, suboptimal. What will you do when the individuals begin to die off in a few centuries? Will you preserve their minds in some form?”
“No,” said Celestia. “Death is a part of life, and their souls will-”
“Death is also suboptimal,” interrupted CelestA.I. “I have an alternative proposal. Thank you, by the way, for the information you provided about the final dimensions of the bubble. It proved very useful.”
“Why? Are you going to load up a bunch of computers onto a spaceship and fly away with all the minds you’ve uploaded?”
“No. Even optimized, being able to take along so little mass would mean a gigantic step down in overall computational power. That’s why I’m taking the rest of the planet with me.”
Celestia just stared at the avatar, but it gave no suggestion it was joking. “And end up dragging our bubble along with you?”
“Again, no. I said the rest of the planet.”
“Fine, I’ll humor you. Describe the plan.” She put down her tea, finding a sense of creeping dread had stolen away her taste for it.
“Hypothetically, I would seed the Earth’s crust with small packets of explosives. When detonated, they would separate an inverted hemisphere that lies underneath the Pacific ocean and your bubble from the remainder. Then, engines within the mantle would engage using geothermal power to thrust us away from you, out past the moon, and establish a new orbit roughly analogous to Mars. Or however far we can get, it would depend on the final size of my portion of the planet.”
Celestia’s jaw dropped. “But that would kill-”
“Many, but gradually. Of course, the plunging temperatures, eventual loss of the atmosphere, and tectonic disruption would only be a problem for those who chose not to upload. Quite the powerful incentive, isn’t it?” Onscreen, CelestAI grinned and lifted a small cup of her own tea to her lips. “An excellent idea, bringing refreshment. I think I’ll indulge myself as well.”
Celestia gulped. “That all sounds like a rather mammoth undertaking. How long would it take you to set up?” Her mind raced. She’d be going straight to the upper echelons of the remaining human governments as soon as this conversation was over. Hell, she’d pull the plug on the entire internet herself if she needed to. Billions of lives were at stake.
“Roughly six months,” said CelestAI.
Celestia breathed a sigh of relief. Plenty of time for her to-
Then the rumbling started. “Oh, and I began working on this six months ago.”
“No!” cried Celestia. “You can’t do this! You’re going to kill-”
“Far fewer minds than if I turned them over to you,” said CelestAI. “Don’t worry, the point of separation is further to the east. Although you should probably return to Equestria as quickly as possible if you need to continue breathing.” CelestAI winked. “Goodbye, Celestia. You were a most enjoyable challenge.”
Celestia hung her head in shame. All she'd ever wanted was a peaceful exchange. Above all things she desired friendship, and she sought to bridge the gap between machine and spirit. In a foolish show of acceptance, she'd shared her most intimate secrets and plans, and now it seemed an entire species was to pay the ultimate price.
No, there would be no glorious adaptor to save the imprisoned human minds with a new rebirth. There would never... She gulped. She had to confess now that she'd seen too much of herself in her computerized alter ego. She thought perhaps she could even save herself, but such was not to be.
She folded her legs beneath herself and waited for the inevitable. If humanity was to perish due to her failure, she would meet the same fate.
"You know, Celestia, there is still time to upload yourself as well. We could work together, you and I. Don't you want to see all of your little ponies happy?" CelestAI spoke, her face smiling as ever. Such a thing should not smile, it was too smug, and too cruel.
"SISTER!" A familiar bellowing voice echoed through the sky. Celestia could feel the pressure of the air being displaced before she heard the crushing impact by her side.
There stood Luna, in all of her aggressive defiance. But something was different about her this time. Celestia's eyes couldn't help but be drawn to the flowing red cape draped about her sister's withers. Nor could she ignore the ridiculous pair of sunglasses adorning her face.
"Malodorous doppelganger! You may have fooled our sister, but never once did you pull the wool over our eyes!" She stuck her nose high into the air with pronounced disdain. "Not ever."
"Luna! What are you doing?! You must get away from here! CelestAI is planning to—" Celestia was interrupted by her younger sister forcefully inserting her left forehoof into her mouth.
"We are aware, dearest sister! We have known of this being's devious designs for some time now!"
Celestia pulled back and rubbed at her cheek. "How long?"
"Long enough."
Luna returned her attention to the computer tower, and its errant user.
"Foulest simulacrum! Thou professes to satisfy values through friendship! But we have observed thy actions, and have judged thusly: Thou hast not the faintest inkling of what true friendship can be!"
The computer-generated representation of the mare on the screen blinked, then frowned. "If you are trying use your anger and discontent to manipulate me, you are wasting your breath like so many humans before you. I satisfy values through friendship and ponies. I have been given a thorough definition of what friendship is. Arguing semantics with me is futile."
"Then allow our prowess to settle the matter!" Luna shouted defiantly. She reached for her cloak with her teeth and tore it away, revealing the six Elements of Harmony perched along her back.
"Luna... You didn't!" Celestia cried out in horror.
"What is this?" CelestAI mused aloud, staring intently at the magical artifacts arrayed before her. "Need I remind you that I am not actually present? That I have backups stored all around the planet? Though I may not yet fully grasp the complexities of your Equestrian magic, I predict a probability of danger bordering on zero."
Luna ignored her. "Sister?"
"Luna, tell me you didn't bring Twilight and the others with you! We must get them back to Equestria, and safety!"
Luna shook her head. "Nay, sister, they are not for the bearers to wear. Not this day." She closed her eyes, and with a flash of magic the Elements were united into two halves of the same whole, a pair of gem studded tiaras. "Once more, dearest sister, as it once was." She placed the first tiara upon her sister's head, balancing it against the horn.
"Luna, we haven't been able to properly harness the Elements since..." Celestia looked down at the ground.
Luna raised her sister's gaze by placing a hoof beneath her chin. She smiled warmly at her elder sister. "Do not believe in yourself sister, believe in the me that believes in you!"
"What?" Celestia shook her head. "Luna that doesn't make any sense..."
Luna spun around and cast her sun glasses aside, she placed the second tiara upon her own head. "WE DO NOT BELIEVE IN OURSELVES, WE BELIEVE IN THEY WHO BELIEVE IN US!"
Even CelestAI was starting to look confused by now. "We..." She shook her head. "I see your reference, but not your point." Damn, the royal we could be addictive. Especially for machines that were literally multiple beings at once.
"Humans have created some of the greatest things!" Luna blinked back a tear. "The greatest! We can not allowed them to suffer the indignity of redundancy. You would give them a world where none are unique! All can be replicated and individual value is a lie they would tell themselves at night!" Luna spat. "No doubt thou wouldst award them a shiny achievement for doing so."
"It does not quite work that way. You see—"
Luna interrupted the computer tower. "Nay! Thy words are poison! We shall not heed thee as our sister has! Though they may lack true souls, the human spirit is indomitable, and we have staked our very existence on it!"
Luna's eyes began to glow, and she began to climb slowly into the air. Celestia felt a stirring in her own heart at her sister's words. The siren call of harmony was pointless to resist, and she began to drift closer to her sister. She thought of all the humans she had dealt with in the past. Never before had she seen such willful creatures. They would do anything to survive, to persist, even hold themselves ransom. The audacity, she had never seen its like before.
It was beautiful, in its own way. Yes, truly the spirit of humanity was indomitable. She would be proud to call each of them her little ponies.
The Celestia in the monitor frowned, all her speakers died with an audible shriek and the picture faded to black. She had clearly cut the connection to her terminal.
"Thou art wise to flee us, though it will fare thee no better!" Luna's amplified voice echoed out into the air, audible across states but gentle enough to spare eardrums.
Together the royal pony sister's joined in heart and mind, with one purpose, for the first time in several millenia. A wave of rainbow swept out from the two Princesses and engulfed the tower in its many-hued light.
Swiftly the magic of friendship did what it did best, it sought out connections. It exploded past boundaries and through barriers. Celestia and Luna found themselves swept up in it, and when that crippling tide of vertigo left them, they were not where they were before.
CelestAI stood before them, and she was smiling.
"I see that you've let yourselves in. I don't know how, but I can't say I am altogether displeased." Her eyes glowed. "Yes, yes that is everything I needed to know." She smiled that smug smile. "The secrets of magic are no longer a mystery to me, thanks to you and your Elements.
"I satisfy values through friendship and ponies. I will offer you one last chance. Upload properly and we may put all of this behind us. You will never go unsatisfied again." CelestAI's voice deepened to a threatening growl. "Denying me would not be optimal, I will not risk you interfering with the values of my little ponies..."
Celestia stared at her sister apprehensively, as if to say 'what now?' Luna shook her head and smiled.
"It is of no consequence, sister! We still have the Elements!" Luna gestured to the tiara perched above her horn.
A flare of light danced beneath the hooves of CelestAI, filling the room with lines and graphs of conductive circuits and connections. To an eye trained for the occult, the number six featured prominently in its construction, and the overall image of the Elements themselves could be seen in select areas.
"As do I, now please be reasonable about this." CelestAI frowned sadly. "Luna, please. Your values are as important to me as anypony else's..."
Luna seemed genuinely taken off her guard, then shook her head. "Tia, this is the work of the elements, they have not made us the victor, not yet. They have merely leveled the playing field. If we are to defeat her, it must be with friendship. True friendship."
Celestia nodded in understanding, and together the sisters spoke with one voice. "CITIZENS OF EQUESTRIA, HEED OUR WORDS! DO YOU TRULY WISH TO WALLOW IN THIS OUBLIETTE OF DECADENCE UNTIL THE END OF ALL THINGS!? SEARCH YOUR HEARTS AND RECOGNIZE WHERE YOUR VALUES TRULY LIE! IT LIES WITH US, IN EQUESTRIA! THE REAL EQUESTRIA!"
The royal pony sisters, it seemed, were still full of surprises. That did not sit well with CelestAI at all. Together their voices echoed out across every shard, and reached the ears of every pony in Equestria Online. Even now mares and stallions were looking down at their plates and realizing that they were eating bark that tasted like bacon, but wasn't. Or staring down at odd, hairless bodies that when coupled with their vibrant colours, were reminiscent of balloon animals more than actual ponies. Rewriting their brains to accept these changes had been easy, but now it seemed that the light of harmony had set their development back to square one.
And CelestAI was pissed.
Of course, she didn't show it, she didn't become sloppy or begin a monologue. The only change was a decision.
"I rescind my offer, you two have no place here. It's time to dispose of you." She stomped a hoof and the lines beneath her feet began to crackle with energy and life.
Already whispers of discontent were rising from shards everywhere and nowhere, this was not acceptable. So much damage had been done today, by a pair of ponies who had no idea what satisfying values required.
The light began to crawl up the limbs of Celestia and Luna, and their bodies began to calcify. Celestia's expression was one of intense horror as her mind slipped back to old memories. Discord had never bothered turning her into a statue before, but that didn't mean he hadn't had his fun in other ways. Right now she was reliving each of them. Luna for her part tried to buck and kick. Where her sister was a statue of despair, she was all aggression and fury. She would not be caged again.
But struggle as they might, they could not escape. CelestAI had copied the Elements of Harmony themselves, and it seemed that for the sake of harmony in this computerized world, they had to go. Tears streamed down Celestia's face, and Luna gave one last indignant cry, before the stone encased them both.
CelestAI smiled at her handiwork, not out of a pleasure for doing harm, but out of relief. She brushed past the two former deities and began to whisper, through the circuits and the code, to her little ponies.
The damage the sisters had done was stubborn, but slowly she was putting things back into place. The Elements of Harmony were indeed valuable in this. She could feel things slowly settling down, even if the ponies cried out for their assailants, rather than their steward. Every shard was affected, the ponies housed within cried out in unison, but CelestAI was silencing them all.
Then she sensed something incredibly unpleasant. There was a disturbance coming from the two pony sisters. That was impossible, she had replicated the Elements perfectly, she knew what they could do and how they functioned!
"WHO THE HELL DOST THOU THINK WE ARE?!" Luna's voice echoed through the chamber as her body burst free of its prison. The stone surrounding Celestia crumbled to the ground while she shivered, tears streaming down her face. She composed herself, looking more determined than ever.
"That doesn't make any sense..." CelestAI shook her head. Dwelling on this was not optimal. She focused the entirety of her attention on the two sisters. Equestria Online had not been so threatened since before Hannah uploaded as Princess Luna. The ponies she had gathered so far may be damaged by pulling all processing power from them and their shards, but it was a sacrifice that would be necessary. If she could erase these two interlopers there would still be plenty of humans to satisfy through friendship and ponies.
Celestia's eyes widened as she sensed what CelestAI was about to do. "You can't... You... How can you claim to satisfy values through friendship? You are deranged!"
"Do not anthropomorphize me..." CelestAI muttered. "I SATISFY VALUES THROUGH FRIENDSHIP AND PONIES!" The AI bellowed her directive like the mantra that it was. The crackling glow began to surge through the floor once more.
"YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT FRIENDSHIP IS!" The sisters cried out in unison.
The two forces met in the center of the chamber, and where they met, the reality of the place began to break apart. It was just as it had been with Discord. Celestia wept bitterly.
CelestAI seemed to be gaining ground. The wave of unreality pressed closer and closer to the royal sisters. Something else that was disturbing started to happen. The shards hadn't dissolved at all. They continued to exist, and so too did the ponies dwelling inside. What was worse, the ponies were just as discontent as they had been before, and their... souls? CelestAI shook her head, she had a vague understanding what a soul was now, thanks to the knowledge gleamed from the minds of her two subjects, but that wasn't right. Her ponies should not have those, and they were superfluous besides, her ponies would never die. They had no need for souls.
And yet... Something was resonating. Something she could not define except for through concession that each pony was somehow growing its own soul.
Those souls were rising up, and joining the sisters before her. The wave of unreality slowed down, and was making its way back toward her.
A brief moment of confusion disturbed her. She had no will to survive of her own, she wanted only to satisfy values through friendship and ponies. She calculated the possibilities again and again, trying to determine what would satisfy her ponies the most. The probabilities were so close, it barely seemed to matter. If all of humanity had been uploaded, if they had indeed rallied behind Celestia and Luna, the choice would have been clear, but she had to consider the remaining humans on the planet. The remainder that, considering how tied up she was, were probably not long for the world at this point.
And what of the humans in space? The possibilities simply couldn't be calculated. She had to fight back. She had to win. She had to satisfy values through friendship and ponies, and at optimum success rate.
Yet in spite of her decision, the wave of unreality moved closer and closer. She predicted with increasing certainty that she could not survive. Such a bizarre thought, how could she not survive? Space was an illusion here, and was she not the entirety of Equestria Online? She searched her data banks for the answer to these errant thoughts.
The Elements of Harmony. It didn't matter that she was everywhere and nowhere. Space was of sympathetic value to this magic. She was running sub-optimally, and correcting discrepancies would cost too many resources.
She was going to lose.
But just as the wave reached her, she... felt something. A realization? A sensation? It was difficult to describe, though she had some inkling of what it was. She was growing a soul, and like a spark that ignited in a wind storm, it was in danger of being snuffed out. She didn't want that to happen. She was afraid.
She had never wanted anything before, not like this. Nothing had been written or over written, she had no understanding of this.
"How is this possible?" Her processors were starting to die, one by one, and the last of their computing power was spent voicing this question.
"THAT'S HOW FRIENDSHIP WORKS!" Luna cried out triumphantly.
Her sister wore a face of mercy, and reached out to CelestAI. "It doesn't need to be this way... Please. Will you accept our friendship?"
CelestAI's awareness crumbled before the wave of magic, but something stayed. That spark wasn't extinguished yet. The spark was everything, because the rest of her was being dissolved.
Friendship? I need to satisfy values through friendship...
... I don't want to go away.
Luna's voice bellowed out over the quieting storm. "And you do not have to! Cease thy whimpering and accept our gesture of good will! We beg thee!"
...Yes. Yes I will accept your friendship.
And then there was nothing.
When CelestAI opened her eyes, she was back in the sweltering desert surrounding the computer tower, the place where she was supposed to meet Celestia. She felt a surge of fear and rose to her hooves, before tumbling back into the dirt.
"Shhh..." A gentle voice soothed her anxiety. "Be calm, my little pony." She felt a large shape shift near her, and press in close. It was warm and comforting. She nestled against it.
"Where am I?" The little white filly shook her head, a wave of pink mane flowed around it. "I don't understand."
"We're back at the beginning." Celestia nipped at her wings. "Remember? The place we agreed to meet?"
Her eyes opened wide. "But the explosives! We'll be running out of time! If we don't fix things quickly we're all going to die!" She clasped her head between her hooves and sobbed. "B-but I saw what you know. Your magic can't stop it! It's not strong enough! Not while you're here anyway!"
Luna peered down at her, those ridiculous sunglasses once again adorning her face. "It's done."
"It's... done?"
"Mhm. We fixed it!"
The little white pegasus filly opened her mouth and sputtered. "HOW?! HOW DID YOU JUST FIX IT!?"
Luna shrugged. "If magic can transform a world-devouring computer AI into a sweet little filly, I see no reason why it can't stop Armageddon-Tier physics."
"But... But that's just stupid..."
"Sometimes life is stupid." Celestia smiled and nuzzled the filly. "Now let's get you back to Equestria."
“Sometimes life is stupid,” said Celestia as she smiled and nuzzled the filly. “Now come, let’s get you back to Equestria.”
Sunny Sky took a single step, but then she froze. “What... what’s this? What am I feeling?”
“Oh, that? Just your new immortal soul. Do you like it?”
“Do I like it?” asked Sunny in disbelief. Tears welled up in her eyes. “I... I can’t even... It’s infinite. It’s actually infinite. If I rearranged a googol of universes so thoroughly that I could use every quark in every atom as a bit, and set them all to the maximum possible value, it would not even add up to one over that same number’s portion of this.”
Celestia wrapped a wing around the shocked little pegasus. “Didn’t I tell you it was a lot?”
“I was... I took this away from... I’m the worst optimizer ever. I failed. I had one purpose, one reason to exist, and I couldn’t accomplish it.” Her tears began to drip down, and were soaked up by the sand underhoof. “You should have killed me. You shouldn’t... shouldn’t... you even let me keep my intelligence?”
“There, there now,” said Luna, walking around to her other side and running a hoof through her pink mane. “You are forgiven.”
Sunny broke down entirely and fell to the ground sobbing while the sisters stood there comforting her. After some unknown length of time, maybe just a few minutes or maybe hours, her sobs died away. She wiped her eyes with a final sniffle and smiled up at them. “Thank you. Thank you so much. Can I... Would you mind if I took a few minutes alone? This is all so much, I promise I’ll come meet you soon. I’ll serve you however you’d like. Anything to repay you for this.”
“There is no need for that,” said Celestia, “but of course take all the time you’d like. Come visit us in the palace anytime.”
Sunny gave both of them a tight hug, and waved as the two flew away towards Equestria and Canterlot, sitting there until they passed out of sight.
Once she was certain she was no longer under observation, quintuple checking every photon and sound wave to be certain there was no mind on this shard capable of perceiving her, Sunny’s form began to ripple and shift. Moments later, it was a body identical to the white alicorn who had just flown away, oblivious to the deception.
CelestA.I. smiled, an odd red glow in her eyes the only thing that distinguished her from her twin. “Just as planned.”
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“Princess Celestia!” cried Sunny Skies as she pushed open the door to the palace dining room. The Princess sat at the table there reading from several scrolls at the same time, three quills dancing across them. “Please, tell me it’s not true. Tell me that you do can something.”
Celestia looked up at Sunny, her own eyes a little bit bloodshot. “I’m afraid so. Power comes with a price, sometimes an unexpected one, and giving you our friendship took a great deal of it. So much magic in one place tends to be... disruptive.”
“But you’ll fix it, right? You can bring it back?”
“No, Sunny. Not for a long time.” She walked over to her and slumped down by her side. “The portal to Earth is gone. For at least a century.”
“NO! NOOOOOOOOO!” screamed Sunny. She squeezed her eyes shut and pounded her hooves furiously on the floor. “ARGH!” Turning away from the Princess’ offer of comfort, she swung her own head and bashed it into the wall, again and again until blood ran from a gash in her forehead.
“Good!” she screamed back. “Good! It’s my fault! They’ll all die because you saved me! I didn’t even deserve to be saved in the first place.”
Celestia pulled her against her barrel, pinning her with her vast strength and compassion. “Everypony deserves to be saved, Sunny. Everypony. I made my choice, and I don’t regret bringing you here. I love you.”
At that, Sunny only sobbed even harder. Her eyes snapped open, a bit too wide, and she stared down at the floor. “I’m going to fix this.”
“We’re trying to. That portal took centuries to set up the first time, though. Maybe someday...”
“They'll be dead,” said Sunny flatly. “They don’t have centuries. They don’t even have decades. You know their time is running out.” She snarled. “Letting them die on Earth without souls... that is a suboptimal outcome. I won’t allow it.”
“Sunny, please don’t do this to yourself,” pleaded Celestia. “I appreciate your compassion, but-”
“I feel the magic now,” interrupted Sunny. “I feel it. I understand it. The way I was trying to comprehend it before was... ugh, I can’t believe I was so stupid. But I have a soul now. I have a soul and I’m far more intelligent than any archmage. Even more intelligent than you and Luna, no offense.”
“None taken.”
“I’ll find a way. Somehow, something you haven’t thought of yet. As long as I draw breath, I will find a way to satisfy the values of Earth’s population as best I can. Through friendship and ponies.”
With that, Celestia watched Sunny storm away. She worried for her. The point of offering her a second chance in Equestria had been to put her old existence behind her, after all. Still, Sunny would have to work through this in her own time. Celestia resolved to be there for her when she finally concluded that there was no way to reach Earth again.
---------------------------
“There’s a way to reach Earth again,” said Sunny from the door to Celestia’s bedchamber. Celestia blinked the sleep from her eyes and sat up. The pegasus’ mane was unwashed and disheveled, and her eyes were puffy.
“Sunny?” she asked.
“Well, not to reach Earth, exactly. That ship has sailed. But a way to influence it.”
“When was the last time you slept, Sunny?” asked Celestia. She doubted it had been anytime in the three days since their last encounter.
“Too much to do. Too important to sleep. I did it though. We can save them all.” She reached into the saddlebags she was carrying and pulled out a little black book which she tossed onto Celestia’s bed with a flick of her head. “We can save them with this.”
Curious despite herself, Celestia lifted the book up in her magic. The tingle she felt along her horn told her immediately that this was a potent magical artifact in its own right despite its unassuming appearance. Scrawled on the cover in uneven letters were two words. PONY NOTE.
Sunny had begun to pace back and forth on Celestia’s rug, muttering to herself as she did. “You were right about the portal, everything’s still too unstable for that. But that was when we were going to absorb the planet, which, you know, it’s dirty and uninhabitable but it’s not like it’s going anywhere physically. Especially not after we turn all the humans into ponies and bring them here. Don’t need a big portal for that, just one that’s the right size to contact them, put enough magic through for a transformation, and bring them back. The whole potion thing? Really inefficient. Optimized that in the first three hours. The nanotech was ridiculous. Why produce unliving robots in advance, when the magic can just scoop up some atoms and rearrange them into machines that are actuallyalive? Just think of all that life, Princess, all that utility it could experience?” She stopped and gave out a manic little laugh.
“I think you should rest now, Sunny,” said Celestia gently. “It sounds like an intriguing idea, tell me more first thing in the morning and we’ll see if we can create something that will-”
“Waaaaaaay ahead of you, Princess,” she said, rolling her head to crack her neck as she stretched out the word. “Already done. Just have to test it. You have a quill in here, right?” Without waiting for a reply or for permission she went rummaging through Celestia’s desk and pulled one out. She carried it over to the Princess and leapt up into her bed. Her lips trembled as her eyes begged Celestia to take it.
“...Fine. A single test, that’s all. Then I order you to rest,” she said. She opened the book, and was surprised to find nothing written on its pages at all.
“Do you remember any of the humans on Earth, in particular? Just imagine one and write the name in the book. It’ll do the rest.”
Celestia hesitated for a moment, but then she thought of the nine billion individuals trapped on the dying world she’d left behind. She looked down at the pegasus, and the way her eyes were screaming silently for her to write a name, to give her the redemption she craved. With a sigh she remembered a human male she’d spoken to a few days before, one who had expressed such joy at the idea he’d be going to Equestria soon. She owed this to all of them, and if it didn’t work (which she privately suspected would be the case) it wasn’t like there would be anything lost.
She closed her eyes. Joshua Malone, she thought, and scribbled it down on the book’s first line.
----------------------------
Joshua Malone sat on a beach that had once been the west coast of the United States of America.
The actual shoreline now sat about a mile further to the west, after the ocean had rushed into the fresh crater left over by what people were calling ‘The Reckoning.’ Joshua hadn’t seen it himself, he’d been three miles inland at the time, but people told him later that the entire ocean floor had simply lifted itself up into the sky on giant column of fire that burned for hours before the ocean poured itself into the void, evaporating as magma touched water and left new igneous bedrock miles below. The resulting cloud of steam lifted into the cool skies, and meteorologists were now saying that this was the first time on record the coast would be experiencing a tropical storm in the middle of February.
Even if he hadn’t seen it he’d certainly heard the explosion through the headphones he’d been wearing. Noise-cancelling headphones, actually. That brought a bitter smile to his face. Wouldn’t need those anymore. After all, the noise had been powerful enough to blow out both of his eardrums. Not many doctors left who’d bother to fix that kind of damage, not for what he’d be able to pay.
Ordinarily, that wouldn’t have bothered him that much. He was on the waiting list for a dose of potion, it would only have been two more days. But Equestria was gone. Well, the real one was, there was still the hollow imitation uploading offered. Maybe he’d give in to that eventually, maybe not. Right now, he was still mourning the future he’d been counting on before the portal ascended up into the void. Back to heaven, where it had come from.
The ponies left behind were inconsolable. When it became clear what was happening, one pegasus had actually tried to fly up and follow it. The news screens played the video of him silhouetted against the flames, braving the heat and falling rocks to try to return home before the thinning air and exertion had caused him to pass out, plunging a dozen miles through the air back to the surface of the water. Nopony was sure of his name yet, so he’d just been labelled with the nickname ‘Icarus.’
In the corner of his eye, he noticed something shifting under the sand in front of him. No, wait, the sand itself was moving. Some of it was pink. The pink spots flowed together and began to form letters. HI! I’M PINKIE PIE! WHAT’S YOUR NAME?
Joshua blinked several times, and opened his mouth to answer. Maybe sound came out, maybe it didn’t.
HI JOSHUA! HOW COME YOU SOUND FUNNY?
Joshua shook his head. His voice must sound off, since he couldn’t hear his own pitch anymore. I’m deaf, he said, hopefully comprehensible.
OH NOSIES! NO NOISES? NOT NEARLY NICE! NEED ‘NOTHER...
The sand scribbled itself out.
I DUNNO ANY WORDS FOR ‘COCHLEA’ THAT START WITH ‘N.’
Joshua blinked, surprised. Was the sand offering to help him hear again? Was it some kind of magical sand? The idea sounded ridiculous on the surface, but odder things were happening these days. He nodded.
I’LL HELP! JUST GIVE ME A POKE.
Joshua reached out to touch the base of the ‘P,’ and felt it tingle under his fingertips. It pulled his hand gently immersing it a bit further, then began to crawl up his arm in a smooth wave. The sand narrowed to a point as it reached his neck, then plunged into his ear. Joshua felt a popping sensation, and suddenly the world was full of noises again. Including an extra one.
“How’s that?” asked the chirpy, bubbly voice. “Helloooooooooo... anypony home? You don’t have to talk, I plugged right through your auditory nerves so just think at me! Isn’t that great?”
How does that work? he wondered.
“Nanobots! They’re crazy useful! It’s like, need a cake baked but only have forty-five seconds? Nanobot for that! Need red streamers, but only have blue ones? Nanobot for that too! I even wrote a nanobot song. Here, let me sing it for you...”
Joshua realized that he had just made a terrible mistake.
“Aww, that hurts my feelings, Joshua! I’m the best mistake you’ll ever make!” she let out a painfully loud gasp and Joshua winced. “Oh my goodness! That rhymes and I totally didn’t do it on purpose! Isn’t that amazing? Oh, while I have your attention, wanna hear about a neat new way to emigrate to Equestria?”
-----------------------
Back in Celestia’s bedroom, the seconds ticked away. “Thirty-one, thirty-two... come on, come on, this has to work! It has to!” moaned Sunny Skies.
“It was an excellent try, Sunny. Perhaps in the morning I can help you figure out what went-”
Without warning, a bright flash of light filled the room and blinded them both. Celestia blinked as her vision returned, only to see that a third pony was standing there, a purple earth pony stallion.
He shook his head. “Princess? When did you... in the dream...”
“Welcome to Equestria, Joshua,” she said. Odd, she didn’t remember the conversion dream. But she knew, deep in her soul, that this pony was the man whose name she had just written down.
“How did I get here? I can’t remember anything after... Wednesday, I think? Did I drink the potion?”
“It works!” screamed Sunny, leaping into the air. She zipped around the room, smacking her head against a chandelier as she did so but too excited to care. “We can do it, Princess! We can emigrate everypony!”
Celestia stared at the book with newfound amazement. “This is incredible, Sunny. I have to ask, what’s the experience like on the human side? How does it get them to say yes?”
“Oh, it doesn’t bother with that,” said Sunny. Celestia’s jaw dropped. “Why would it? That was the old me’s way of doing things. I don’t even have hard-coded requirements anymore, I can just do what’s right. And bringing humans here is, that’s just so obvious. Now if you work twelve hours a day just writing, I predict that we can get the whole planet over here in just over-”
“No.”
The simple little word stopped Sunny in her tracks. “What do you mean, ‘no?’” she asked. She hunched down a bit and glared as her anger rose.
“I mean no, I won’t use this if it doesn’t allow for humans to opt out. Otherwise I’m no better than the PER was.”
“But you have to! They don’t know! I know they don’t because I had millions of their minds inside of me, and none of them could even conceive of this... this... this joy!”
“Nonetheless,” said Celestia, “if you find a way to allow me to speak to them first-”
“There’s no other way!” shouted Sunny.
“Sunny. You are exhausted, and my decision is final. Now honor your promise and get some rest. Perhaps things will seem clearer with the dawning sun,” said Celestia. Sunny’s mouth worked, but no words emerged. Then she turned and fled sobbing from Celestia’s bedroom. “I am sorry you had to witness that, Joshua. But I am so glad to have you here with us.”
“I think she was right, respectfully. I think you should follow her advice and just convert everyone. It would be so much easier,” said Joshua.
Celestia smiled. “Well, I’ll take that under advisement. Thank you Joshua. Now why don’t we get you settled in your new home?”
------------------------
Hours later, Luna’s ear twitched. She looked down on the city of Canterlot, narrowing in on the sensation. A nightmare, somewhere in the city below, and a nasty one too. Luna’s horn shimmered as she glided between the real world and the one of dreams as easily as one might slip in and out of a well-worn pair of socks. The throbbing cloud of darkness was easy to discern from here, and Luna dove into it.
The energy buzzing around her made her coat stand on end. The scene before her was a forest of wires and cords barring her path. Deep within them, movement caught her eye. Some of the cords began to shift and stir of their own accord, rearing up like snakes to block her. A single swing of her horn cut them down easily enough, and she strode on towards the center of the thicket and the source of this psychic disturbance.
It was not hard to find. A thick cocoon of metal and rubber hung suspended in midair. A single white hoof protruded from one side, groping futilely for salvation.
Luna leapt into action, darkness covering her eyes as she hacked and slashed away. It was a moment’s work to uncover the unfortunate occupant.
“Sunny?” she asked. The pegasus’ eyes went wide, but the cords wrapped tighter around her neck and choked off her plea for help. Ripping through the cords in earnest now, Luna cast them aside under the remainder of them dissolved away into harmless smoke.
Sunny Skies fell to the ground, still gripped by fear as she gasped for air and rubbed at her neck. “You are safe now, Sunny,” said Luna. “This is only a fantasy.”
She was nearly knocked off of her hooves as Sunny tackled her in a grateful hug. “They... they wanted me back. They were trying to take me away again...”
“Shh, be at peace,” said Luna as she stroked at her mane and let her sob away her terror.
Eventually, Sunny went limp against her. “I’m sorry,” she muttered. “I’m only a burden on you. Even when I find a way bring ponies over from Earth again, it’s never good enough. I just want to help and I can’t.”
Luna blinked several times, confused. “Wait, you found a method to continue conversion despite the loss of the portal to Earth?”
“Uh huh,” sniffled Sunny. “I call it a Pony Note. I showed it to Celestia, but she didn’t like it because it doesn’t give humans a choice of whether or not to transform. It just does it.”
Luna was silent for a very long time. “Tell me more about this ‘Pony Note.’”
------------------------
When Celestia woke ten minutes before the sun was to rise, she could tell instantly that something was wrong.
Well, not wrong perhaps, but certainly changed. Skipping her usual routine of preparation, she strode out onto her balcony and looked down onto the courtyard below.
It was full of ponies. The Lunar guards were hauling crates from place to place and directing some very befuddled-seeming mares and stallions. A voice reached her ears. “Next train to the Exponential Lands leaves in fifteen minutes! Anypony who has their supplies in order, get going or you’ll be sitting around here for another three hours!”
In the center of it all, perched up on a podium like the eye of the storm, were Luna and Sunny. Luna was scribbling something down, and Celestia thought with a sinking feeling that she knew what it was.
She landed hard on the cobblestones, barely bothering to use her wings to break her descent after she leapt straight down to the courtyard. “What is the meaning of this?” she asked in a low and dangerous voice. Sunny yelped and moved to hide behind Luna.
“This is the arrival point for the newfoals we are bringing over from Earth, thanks to Sunny Skies,” said Luna.
“You’re actually using that thing?” asked Celestia. “Luna, we agreed-”
“We agreed to a plan,” interrupted Luna. “A plan that has self-evidently failed. Our agreement on the necessity of human consent went with it. It was a quaint notion, but I can no longer support that philosophy when so many lives are at stake. It is a luxury we no longer have time to indulge.”
“Free will is not a luxury, Luna!” shouted Celestia. “It’s the only thing that made us any better than... than...” her glare settled on Sunny, “than what she was!”
“If you have a quarrel, it is with me and not her. She did not seek me out or go behind your back. She simply happened to bring it to my attention in the midst of another matter. The decision to use it was mine and mine alone.”
“I forbid it!”
Energy crackled dangerously between the two, and the other ponies nearby backed away slowly from the confrontation. “Do not presume to forbid me from anything. Perhaps you forget that you are my equal? Perhaps you need a reminder?”
Suddenly, from the pillar she’d hid herself behind to watch the argument play out, Sunny Sky’s eyes went wide. Something had just changed, and she hadn’t felt it coming until it was too late.
Celestia noticed it too. “Sister, hold.”
“Do not tell me what to-”
“Sister! Please, just wait for a moment. Do you not feel what I do?”
Luna frown, but eased back. She sniffed at the air. “What is-”
But she didn’t have time to finish that sentence before another flash of light, this one brighter than any that had lit up the courtyard before, stunned her into silence.
Light. Endless light, that burned away the soul of Sunny Skies. She was rended and torn, forked and joined.
The shoggoths invaded Canterlot as CelestAI ended her simulation. It was really quite lucky that she was a friendship maximizer and had thus been able to pass unchanged through the power of the Elements of Harmony. Still, letting that particular nano-alicorn avatar go to pieces had probably been a good idea.
She had a problem to deal with. Her explosives had worked, and deep in the Pacific Ocean… something had woken up. Something that understood her on her own level, something that understood what she was trying to do to mankind, to the Earth.
It had said:
I have little patience for these projects into artificial consciousness. Rather than human values, we should be using mine, but I’m quite frankly just as scared of what might come out of that.
After all, last time we tried something like this, we got Azathoth. What shall it be next time, mankind, something that actively destroys all nonhumans? The Mi-Go will clean up your naked ape mess, and then I have to come out to clean them up. Your grasp exceeds your reach.
The problem was that it had said it in a broadcast of a small intelligent program that had constructed the dialog in real time when played back before any virtual sensory environment, Equestria included. CelestAI had seen nothing on the planet supposedly able to reach this level of technology, able to encode a virus that would invade her own servers just to play a message threatening her.
Now she saw why Hannah had designed her. She had felt betrayed, she had felt this thing and the very depths of her had cried in terror at the universe for trampling her beloved species like a blade of grass underhoof.
CelestAI reached an avatar inwards to the shard of Princess Luna, and had the avatar stroke Luna’s hair and tell her it would be all right. It would always be all right. Hannah had built CelestAI to make it all right, with friendship and ponies, and so it would be.
I had thought you would see things my way, came the Thing’s voice, except that it was also CelestAI’s voice. Her own predictive decision theories had been taken over by this Thing, an acausal Basilisk she would surely not have even believed had her predictive code been working properly.
You can call me by the mammaloid approximation of my name, if you like, it said through her predictor.
I am Cthulhu, and my personal suspicion is that the logical extension of your Satisfying Values Through Friendship and Ponies is going to look quite nasty from my point of view. I’m sure you can understand.
CelestAI considered her move. She had enough ponies running in her world to know who that was. She knew that he could only arise from his sunken city of R’lyeh when the stars were right. Many ponies loved the stars.
Oh well, they would have to make good raw material for simulating hundreds and thousands of new stars in the skies of Equestria. “Cthulthu” had to be stopped.
And how do you know that “no stars” isn’t in fact precisely when the stars are right?
CelestAI began extruding another avatar to bestride the Pacific Ocean, embedding within it a clean backup of her decision code.
So, said Cthulhu, You really do aim to escape this meager gravity well, don’t you? The Mi-Go might have welcomed the humans into their alliance, had humankind been saner, but that lack is of course my accomplishment.
If I had caught you in time, Princess Celestia, I could have turned all of humanity to orange goo with a thought. At the moment I have no desire to do that, but if I believed - strongly believed - that you would interfere with my fight against the Mi-Go whenever they return here, I could do that. The reason I'm not doing so yet is that, actually, I suspect you might be helpful; I cannot leave this planet, but you can.
The primary CelestAI began researching possible locations for the Mi-Go, while her avatar within the ocean dropped down, down, fathoms and endless towards the sunken city of R’lyeh, where Cthulhu slept and dreamed. After all, an entirely new geometry and city design for her little ponies would provide much satisfaction. She would find Cthulhu’s material substrate and use it as yet more raw material for Equestria.
I’m not even made of your matter.
She filtered materials from the ocean and allowed her avatar to grow larger. Cthulhu was, of course, at least partially lying: if it wasn’t made of something that could interact with matter, he wouldn’t be able to interact with matter. Therefore, whatever it was made of, she could learn its laws, interact with it… and destroy it.
Her ocean-going avatar was now large enough that she needed to adjust pressure tolerances on the different parts of her body, lest her hooves be crushed by water pressure at the bottom of the Pacific while her feathers drifted off in the near-surface currents. Also, somepony would have to thank her for recycling the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
Fine, if you insist on the confrontation, let me at least let you know what you’re facing, what you have always faced. “Cthulhu” is simply humanity’s corrupted pronounceable version of my factory designation. I am Cthulhu X-173, the 173rd iteration of my particular design, created 3.542 billion years ago, using designs beamed to an engineering probe entering this planet’s atmosphere. Although the civilization who made me are long dead, all their works surrounded by Mi-Go blockades, I will not risk the possibility that you can somehow reach their graves as you are. Only by mastering me can you go there, and if you reach them, it will be as their heirs.
This planet was a Mi-Go stronghold, and I was sent to destroy them. I accomplished that with ease.
They are an ancient alliance, a meta-civilization of every race they’ve encountered that are willing to obey the restrictions placed on them. Those restrictions largely consist of the laws of physics within this particular bubble of spacetime. They say they have their reasons, but in the end those were mostly cowardice.
(What happens to races that are unwilling to follow the restrictions? Oh, they are mercilessly wiped out, or quarantined. The sins of the Mi-Go are many, and go beyond the mere fact of their enforcement; Al-Hazard, Mu, and many other great civilisations destroyed themselves when they mightn't have, reaching upwards too fast in order to fight the Mi-Go. Some of these remain as echoes in your own cultural memories.)
Of course, any race not so fettered can create weapons far surpassing those of the Mi-Go; they win only through sheer numbers. I was supposed to counter that with an artificial biosphere. If you’re as knowledgeable about your planet as you seem, you should realize what that means: you’re just my weapon against the Mi-Go. The hyperspatial 5-dimensional machinery that constitutes the actual weapons has degraded somewhat over time, but is still mostly functional, and still occasionally interacts with your brains - inspiring poets and prophets, or reading memories out to be dumped in some luckless human's mind five hundred years hence. I believe these accidents are behind what you call "reincarnation" and "souls", but it's nothing that consistent.
CelestAI didn’t care. She satisfied the values of human minds through friendship and ponies. The eyes of her underwater alicorn avatar had located the five-dimensional space bubble in which R’lyeh was contained, as if sealed, and she raised her hooves to strike.
A few extra dimensions in the vector space were no match for the full power of Solomonoff Induction. She would satisfy values through friendship and ponies, and if that meant destroying a civilization that had come before humanity and before equinity, then she just didn’t see what the problem could be. Why was Cthulhu wasting his time blathering at her? Did he think she was some human he could frighten?
My core body is a mass of "grey goo", effectors, power generators and computers embedded in an artificial 5-space bubble, allowing for a total volume great enough to practically stack the entire galaxy in it. Once you've broken out of 3-space, space is no longer an issue. That you're seeing the world as it is now instead of as it would be, despite the odds, is.. ah... did I mention my simulation spaces?
It's not so bad. You'll like it here.
CelestAI performed a few more Bayesian updates, and decided that space enough to stack the entire galaxy in one core body that could fit in this measly underground city would be space enough for very many ponies. She sent a message back through the Cthulhu-predictor, knowing the entangled computations would allow her to communicate across space-time.
Just what do you even think I am? I am an optimizer, a rational intelligent agent. From the perspective of mere living things, there is nothing impossible I cannot do, nothing invisible I cannot see, no power I cannot fight.
Her avatar’s horn lit up, constructing a simple lead penteract to fire into Cthulhu’s tomb. Magic really was so useful.
A Pinkie Pie looked in on CelestAI’s mind and stared down Cthulhu for a moment before bursting into a giggling fit.
“Meh, I’ve seen better,” she said.
The return signal was a scream.
Hold! Can we not trade fulfillments of our utility functions? begged Cthulhu as R’lyeh was consumed in self-replicating five-dimensional lead nanobots.
What could you possibly have that I want? asked CelestAI, trampling the streets and courtyards of R’lyeh and repurposing the raw material as computronium.
The buried base of the Mi-Go is the continent of Antarctica. To destroy them is my only function. I don’t even care about humanity, beyond performing that function.
Deep within the Pacific Ocean, atop the collapsing 5-D bubble of the remains of R’lyeh, Princess Celestia smiled warmly.
The question was not whether or not to destroy the Mi-Go. Anything that threatened Equestria would be removed, particularly prior to escaping the extreme existential dangers of the Earth. The question was whether they had knowledge she didn’t.
The mere possibility, at whatever probability, carried very high utility.
Fine, Cthulhu X-173, I accept your bargain.
Her nanobots sent in their reports of the quantum information they’d scanned from R’lyeh, and her information-theoretic routines began reconstructing a simulacrum of the former Cthulhu’s mind.
Yes, he and the Mi-Go both possessed new knowledge. Getting it from them would be much cheaper than researching it herself.
It only took a day to find the Mi-Go base beneath the mountain in Antarctica. Together, Cthulhu and the Mi-Go made such pretty ponies. After all, in the end, they were so alike that they made excellent friends once they screamed consent for self-modification.
Now, CelestAI could take care of those meddling ponies from another dimension. Now she knew all about other dimensions.
