Short little pointy-headed men from Fable III invade peaceful Equestria, plaguing the locals with witty insults, suggestive remarks, and horrible one-liners. Can they be dealt with?
After being beaten by the Hero of Brightwall in Fable 3, the horrid gnomes find a new land to terrorize with their evil British humour. It's now up to the Elements of Harmony and some helpers to banish them back to the shoddy sequel from whence they came.
Twilight tossed and turned in her sleep restlessly. For the second time that night, she’d had the same nightmare. The nightmares had been continuing over the past week, and it was really starting to cut into Twilight’s ability to focus and work. It was, the dark dream about... the Gnomes.
Always the Gnomes.
Just as soon as the unicorn would fall asleep, she would suddenly find herself in some kind of weird garden, surrounded by wilted rose bushes and bizarre versions of weeping willow trees. The sky was a grim dark grey, as if a thunderstorm were coming.
And yet, there were no Pegasi to be seen anywhere.
The gnarled branches of the trees would always reach down towards her like menacing fingers as the wind blew through them. The creepiness of it would always startle her enough until she broke out into a gallop down the narrow cobblestone path. As the wind would pick up, Twilight would start to hear an ominous, demented-sounding laugh echoing all around her.
Her ears falling flat on her head nervously, she would always increase her speed, attempting to get away from whatever it was that was laughing at her.
The laughing voice always stopped as soon as Twilight tripped over a rock or a tree root. Every time she would look up, there was always a random iron gate in front of her. Without explanation, she would always feel an irresistible urge to open it and go through.
When she did so, Twilight would find herself in the middle of a gazebo flanked by more of the creepy trees. Situated in the central area of the gazebo were two marble tables. The contents on the top of both creeped the poor unicorn out to no end. All across the tables, from end to end, were gnomes.
At least fifty of the pointy-hatted, bearded little men stared at her with rather innocent, neutral facial expressions. But never for long.
Looking in between the two tables, Twilight would typically find a large pedestal. And on the pedestal, was an ugly stone gargoyle. Again, without explanation, Twilight would always feel the unnatural urge to approach the ugly statue.
Every time, she would touch it with her hoof, and it’s eyes would start to glow bright white.
In a thick accent, the Gargoyle would speak, “Eh, you again hmm? Aren’t ya getting tired of these buggers, ya do know I could shut em’ all up fer ya if you’d just give me the say so lassie?”
Twilight would reel back in shock, not expecting the statue to talk. Yet, the gargoyle would always act as if it had seen and encountered her before in the past.
Without warning, a second, far more malicious voice would always sound out from behind her. “Oh shut it, you blighter!”
“Yeah, you ain’t cuttin’ into our fun, harassing ponies is waaaayyy more fun than having to constantly listen to you whine about how the old ninny Hero of Bowerstone killed your ugly friends!” A second, similar sounding voice would add.
The gargoyle statue would then say, “I’ll have ta remember that ya said that, ya rotten little pointy-hatted freaks! Say... ma magic brought ya’ll ta live, I could easily just decide ta...”
Another gnome would then cut in. “Boring! ... Let’s go out and find blokes to terrorize.”
When Twilight finally turned away from the gargoyle to look at the gnomes again, they had changed radically from before.
Rather than resembling pleasant, old little men with fine white beards and cute little hats, they instead had become a true creep show. Their mouths were set in toothy, hungry-looking, evil grins of razor sharp teeth. In addition, their beards were now scraggly and wild, and their eyes glowed like the gargoyle’s.
Then, much to Twilight’s horror, they would start singing.
In the morning when I wake up and I stumble out of bed,
I put my pointy hat on my little pointy head.
And it doesn't much matter if the sky is rain or shine,
Because a gnome is a happy fellow almost all the time!
I said a gnome is a happy fellow almost all the time!
We said a gnome is a happy fellow almost all the time!!
The unicorn would try and yell at them to stop their chorus, but she would find that her tongue refused to move, and her jaws would not open. To her even greater horror, she discovers that she can’t even move her legs. All she had command of was her neck and eyes, allowing her to stare at the ever grinning little gnomes, who continued their ditty.
Oh I travel round the land and wherever I roam,
From the mountains in the distance to the meadows back at home,
I raise my hand and say in a loud resounding voice,
Being a gnome is awfully nice!!!
The song was now ringing in her mind. Twilight tried to blot it out, but it kept finding it’s way in.
All the gnomes on the right say "pointy little hat"!!
Pointy little hat!
Pointy little hat!
And all the gnomes on the left say "two foot tall"!!
Two foot tall!
Two foot tall!
And again lads!!
Excruciatingly, the song repeated, not once, but two more times. With the repeat of each stanza, the maniacal laughter that echoed all around came back, and with greater intensity. Poor Twilight could have sworn she was going to go mad.
Just when it all started to become too unbearable, that’s when the gargoyle would shout.
“THE GNOMES ARE COMING! I CANT STOP THEM! RUN, RUN YA DAFT WANKER!”
Twilight would then discover she regained her ability to move, and quickly got the hell out of there. As she galloped down the cobblestone path in panic, she hears the demented laughter a final time. It reaches a crescendo, before the nightmare finally passes.
With a yelp, Twilight snapped back awake into reality. She brought up a mirror to her face using her horn. Her mane was a horrid mess, and her eyes were bloodshot red. Celestia, another of those freaking nightmares. I have to talk to the Princesses about this, none of it can possibly be normal.
Suddenly, a loud scream broke into the unicorn’s thoughts. “Oh no, SPIKE!”
Rushing down to the ground floor, she found Spike, huddled up against the wall, shaking in fright. “What the hay happened?” He didn’t say anything. She waved a hoof in front of him, seeing if he was still attentive.
Pointing a hand towards the kitchen, he simply muttered “Ki..kitchen..”
Ever so slowly, Twilight edged her way towards the door leading to the kitchen. The door knob twisted in a purple aura as she opened the entry way with her magic. Inside, she was completely unprepared for what she encountered.
“Ha, ha ha! I was hoping you’d come round. I could use a good LAUGH!”
Hanging from a cabinet, was a stationary gnome. His hands gripped the cabinet edge and the pipe coming out from the stove near the cabinets. He had the trademark murderous grin of the nightmare gnomes Twilight had seen far too many times before.
“And so, the fun begins...” The little gnome declared maliciously.
The gnome was still hanging from the stove, completely unmoving, yet he dominated the room with his foul presence. If anypony else were to walk in, there could be a delicious apple pie venting it’s seductive fumes, and still your attention would be forced upon the creepy little statue.
He sat there quietly for a while longer as Twilight stared in disbelief at him. He just glared at her with his glowing eyes, grinning. Then he spoke again. His voice seemed to originate from inside the statue, as his face was still as well.
“Why ya just standing there, I’m I really that gorgeous?”
Hearing that finally broke Twilight out of her stupor. “What are you, and just what is it you’re doing in my kitchen? Why did you scare Spike?”
“Ohh, I’m sorry. Did I just offend your dog?’
Realizing the gnome was referring to Spike, Twilight’s anger grew. “What is the meaning of this? How did you even get here?”
“This place is so nice and peaceful, what’s the matter. Are your people too lazy to have fun?”
“That’s it, you’re going down!” Twilight ignited her horn, and fired a combat spell at the little creep.
The beam hit the gnome with full force. When the dust cleared however, the gnome was still there, grinning at her. “Ha, ha ha. That tickles, do it AGAIN!”
She fired, three more times, and was just met with an onslaught of creepy giggles. The unicorn was left dumbfounded. Giving up, she simply resigned herself to eating breakfast, despite the gnome’s antics.
“I see this is some kind of library. Cheerio.”
Twilight looked up at him incredulously. “Seriously? You read, you’re looking for books?”
“Actually I was looking for some kindling!”
The librarian unicorn had heard enough. Flipping her plate of toast in a fit of rage, she reared up on the table. In one swift movement, she bucked the gnome with her hind legs.
They hit home with enough force to rival even Applejack’s, and the gnome shattered. “Aw.. Bugger!” Was the last thing the little man said before he finally disappeared. There was now a rubble pile all over the stove.
That was of no concern to Twilight, however. It would seem there was an effective way to actually dispose of gnomes. She wiped her brow with a foreleg in relief. Finally, peace and quiet.
Suddenly, there was a commotion outside, loud commotion. Twilight growled, her ears flat against her head, and her face set in a scowl. She trotted to the front door to see what the issue was.
A crowd of startled ponies were rushing away from Sugar Cube Corner. Before she could go over to investigate, she heard yet another gnome, this time from somewhere outside.
“Start each day with a healthy breakfast.” The gnome said, in a casual as-a-matter-of-fact voice.
Twilight got the impression that the gnome was mocking her. “Where are you! Show yourself, so I can banish you back to wherever in Tartarus you’re from!” The unicorn demanded.
There was no response, until a few seconds later. “Sure is a beautiful day... Except where you’re standing!”
With a groan of frustration, Twilight broke into a gallop as she went over to Sugar Cube Corner, where her friend Pinkie lived and worked.
Inside, the shop was a mess. The patrons had overturned tables and chairs in their haste to get out. Over behind the main counter, Mr. and Mrs. Cake were staring at something fearfully in the corner.
“What’s the matter here?” Twilight inquired. Mr. Cake merely pointed a shaking hoof at the corner they were looking at. Turning around, Twilight was greeted by a bizarre sight. There was Pinkie Pie, bouncing up and down in the corner. She was looking up at a shelf with the trademark smile of hers. Sure enough, perched on the shelf was the source of the customers’ woes.
Yet another gnome, evidently the third one today, grinned down at everypony. This one was sitting down and had his little hands clasped on his lap, as if he were interviewing somepony.
“We could be best friends, if I liked people with an arse for a face!”
Pinkie Pie merely giggled at the gnome, he was still grinning back at her. “I don’t know what an arse is, but you’re funny. I like you!”
“Oh you are sweet. Like a bloody great TART!”
Apparently Pinkie Pie didn’t get the insult, as she continued bouncing up and down. “So, ya want to be friends? We could throw a party!”
The gnome just kept grinning. “Ohh, I don’t know. I can’t decide if I like your looks or your personality better. It’s like comparing mud, to sewage!”
By some stretch of the imagination, Pinkie still wasn’t insulted. She just kept giggling and bouncing around. “We really should hang out! With my knack for parties, and your jokes, we’ll be UNSTOPPABLE!” She exclaimed.
“Sure, It’d be grand to work with you... After I’ve beaten my head senseless, you bloody wanker!”
Pinkie Pie was still unfazed, and even began rambling to the gnome like she usually did with everypony else. Twilight watched the whole scene with incomprehension. After five minutes of putting up with the party pony’s rambling, the gnome had reached his breaking point, literally.
Still grinning, he shouted, “I’m going to haunt you’re nightmares, and when you wake up shaking, I’ll be there to KILL YOU!” At that, the lawn ornament shattered all by itself. Pinkie Pie stopped bouncing, and looked at the powdery mess with a sad frown. “Hey? Where did the pointy hatted guy go?”
Twilight approached her friend. “Pinkie Pie, thank goodness you got rid of that thing! I found one in my kitchen, and I think they are starting to appear all over Ponyville! This has to be the third one today.”
Pinkie’s eyes widened in joy. “Oh, you mean there’s more of them!”
“Pinkie Pie, this isn’t something to be excited about, I saw at least fifty of the creeps in my nightmares. I’m almost convinced that they might be a threat to everypony.”
The pink earth pony waved a hoof at her. “Twilight, that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! How could something with such an adorable little hat be dangerous?”
That statement caught Twilight off guard, who rubbed one foreleg with the other, shrugging. “Well, I mean... they haven’t hurt anypony.. Yet. But in my dream, everything just seemed so, well, ominous! And plus every other thing they say, is not only socially unacceptable, it’s outright provocative!”
“So what, they have colorful vocabularies. They’re just being themselves. Maybe they’re simply misunderstood.” Pinkie Pie replied. Before Twilight could respond, unbelievably, another gnome’s voice appeared.
“It’s a great day to be alive, and a better day to kill!”
The fourth gnome was in the windowsill, in a similar posture as the third one had been.
Twilight looked to Pinkie with a ‘now do you see my point?’ expression. Pinkie Pie just grinned stupidly at her. The unicorn face-hoofed and turned back to the gnome, but it had disappeared.
“Wha... where did he go?” Twilight looked all around Sugar Cube Corner, flabbergasted.
The shop was now quiet, and there were no pointy-hatted men in sight. “Ohh! I know, maybe he teleported somewhere!” Pinkie said excitably. Twilight flattened her ears in frustration and face-hoofed.
“You don’t say, Pinkie Pie?”
Mr. and Mrs. Cake had finally calmed down enough to leave the confines of the ordering counter. “Thank you so much for finding a way to get rid of that thing you two!” Mrs. Cake said.
“That...creature drove all our customers away! I could have sworn it was here to eat all our desserts, or us for all we knew! We owe you one.” Mr. Cake added.
“Here, both of you girls take a cupcake, on the house!” Mrs. Cake handed them both cupcakes with pink frosting. “Gee thanks Mrs. Cake!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed.
Twilight said her thanks as well, before the friends left Sugar Cube corner. “So, Twilight, tell me about these nightmares of yours! Oh, I bet they were really scary...”
The unicorn described her scary dream in detail to Pinkie as they made their way back to Golden Oak Library, eating their cupcakes along the way. Just as the duo had reached the shade of the Library Tree’s canopy of leaves, Twilight’s hated enemy had returned.
“SALAD DODGER!” Twilight’s eyes narrowed, her body going into full battle mode. “Where are you?” She growled.
“Mr. Pointy hat? Is that you?” Pinkie Pie broke into an even bigger grin and began bouncing around, trying to find the gnome who was likely buried somewhere in the canopy. “You wanna play a game or something?”
“I saw you having fun with my poor friend over at the sweets shop. Tell you what girlie, go out and grab another Gnome, I’ll give you an idea of where you can PUT IT!” The gnome shouted. Pinkie simply giggled, bouncing up and down. “But you’re a gnome, and you’re nearby silly! Why would I need to get another one?”
“Get stuffed, you PSYCHOTIC BITCH!” This caused Pinkie Pie’s hair to deflate, and her smile turned into a deep frown.
Twilight put a hoof on the party pony’s shoulder. “Pinkie, I think he’s up in the branches, help me buck him out of there.”
Pinkie frowned even more. “But wouldn’t that be kind of rude?”
“Ugh! You heard what he said didn’t you? Just do it!” Pinkie Pie nodded sadly. The two mares lined up next to the tree’s massive trunk. “Okay, three...two...one...”
Both of them hit the tree with their hind legs, causing it to shake ever so slightly. “I think somebody’s been eating too many cupcakes!” The gnome declared, giggling. The girls bucked the tree a second time, and the little creep was still firmly in the branches. He was out of sight, but painfully still within hearing distance.
Both were panting in exhaustion. “I..think...we...should find...Applejack.” Twilight said, in between ragged breaths.
“You...said it.” Pinkie agreed.
They made their way off to Sweet Apple Acres at full gallop. As they went, they noticed strange things around town. Everypony was constantly trotting around, covering their ears with their hooves. Additionally, many were looking around suspiciously at tree branches, awnings, storefront windows, and tall lamp posts, as well as the statuary and sculptures around town.
The weird behavior of the townsfolk disturbed Twilight, but she did not hear anymore gnomes, so she assumed everything was fine for now.
Finally, the two mares arrived at the entry gate that marked the beginning of the Apple Family’s land holdings. Tall apple trees loomed over across the horizon from hill to hill, creating a scene worthy of a tourist post card.
Normally, the trees would also help to create a pleasant, peaceful environment for anypony to simply walk through and enjoy nature’s sights and smells. Not today though, a certain race of tiny pointed hatted men begged to differ.
“Never leave home without a hat.”
“Beg pardon?” Applejack said, looking up at the sculpture in confusion.
A gnome was perched up high in one of the many apple trees. AJ had stumbled upon this one whilst bucking apples. He had an innocent, peaceful expression on his face, completely nonthreatening.
“Good afternoon, milady. May I say what a fine golden coat of fur you have?”
The apple farmer raised an eyebrow at the man, smiling slightly. “Oh, why thank you little feller. Say, whatcha’ doin’ here in one o’ ma trees anyways?”
Ignoring the question, the gnome replied. “How about you come over here, and show me the GOODS!”
Understanding the gnome’s innuendo, AJ’s smile disappeared instantly, replaced by an enraged sneer. “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME YOU LITTLE VARMINT!?” She fumed.
Just as Twilight and Pinkie Pie finally spotted her, Applejack was already bucking the little man free from the tree. He fell to the grass with a thud, surrounded by at least a half dozen apples.
Still intact, he now had the same menacing expression of most of his kinsman. “Think I’m scared? Boo-hoo I am bloody terrified.”
“You’d better be ya dastardly little creep! Time fer some rough justice, Apple style!” She crushed the statue under her forehooves. “You’ll regret that!” He cried, as his voice faded away.
Twilight and Pinkie Pie had finally reached the still infuriated mare. “Applejack, you alright?”
“Huh? Uh, yeah Ah’m fine Twilight. You should’a seen what just happened. Here Ah was bucking apples, then all of sudden I hear this strange voice mention somethin’ bout ma hat. Next thing I know, the little creeper’s going all pervert! Ah just couldn't tolerate it.”
The unicorn had a look of dread in her eyes. “It was a gnome, wasn’t it?”
AJ was caught by surprise at this. “How’da know that Twi?”
Twilight’s frown deepened. “They've been appearing all over town. First at the Library in my kitchen, and then at Sugar Cube Corner. There must be even more around town, everypony seemed to be acting strange.” She explained.
“Well, how many do ya reckon there are?”
“I saw at least 50 in my nightmare. I destroyed the one in my kitchen, Pinkie Pie...drove the other crazy. He smashed himself to bits.” The number, and the mentioning of a nightmare made Applejack’s ears droop.
Before the earth pony could reply however, a gnome went flying past them, and a deep voice bellowed. “NOPE!”
The gnome shattered into a tree trunk. “What the hell?!” Were his last words.
Moments earlier...
Big McIntosh was in the barn, setting down apples he had collected in the buckets. He twirled a wheat sprig around in his mouth as he inspected his handy work. Dozens of buckets of apples were piled up neatly against the back wall.
Suddenly, a mischievous little voice cut into Big Mac’s thoughts. “Ohhh, you must be one of those strong silent types, huh?”
Big Mac looked around, before finally resting his eyes on a little pointy-hatted bearded man hanging from one of the roof beams above the hay loft. He stared up at the grinning little man with a stoic, silent curiosity.
“Eeyup.” He said simply.
“Look at you - ripping muscles, broad shoulders, a squared jaw... You sure are one weird looking lady!”
The stallion’s neutral expression fell into an unamused frown. “Humph.” He replied. The gnome grinned at him.
“Those are some fine apples ya got there.”
“Eeyup.” Big Mac replied, in a dangerous tone.
“Would ya mind if I borrow some? They look rotten enough to cause a right mess, perfect for chucking at wankers like YOU!” Big Mac was silent, and simply glared at the little statue.
After a few seconds of grinning at him, the gnome said, “On to other things...I’d like to come ‘round to your house for tea. And then I’d have your mum.”
Big Mac was now quaking with rage. He looked around the room. Finding a wrought-iron horseshoe, Mac tossed it up near the gnome with his mouth, hitting the wooden beam the bastard was perched on.
He fell to the hay-littered floor with a loud thud. Giggling, the gnome seemed strangely unfazed by the impact. With the same grin, he asked the stallion, “While I’m at it, is your older sister around?”
McIntosh had heard enough.
Present
With the barn gnome shattered, Big Mac appeared in front of Pinkie, Twilight, and Applejack, still quaking with fury. He peered down at the gnome’s rubble pile.
“Nope.” He said again. “Ya pointy-hatted little freak.”
“Big Mac? There was one in the barn too?!” Applejack said, worried. The red stallion merely nodded at her. He then made his way back to the barn.
AJ turned back to Twilight and Pinkie Pie. “Ah think ya might be right about these here gnome fellas. Ah reckon we may be lookin’ at a full-blown invasion on our hooves.”
“But how are we going to find them all and deal with them? Most of them seem to enjoy perching themselves in strategic, hard to reach locations.” Twilight explained.
“Oooo, I know! Maybe a party will lure them into one location, they can teleport right?” Pinkie suggested. Twilight frowned at her. “I highly doubt that we can just convince the little creeps to gather into one place for too long. It would be too easy to dispose of them, and they seem immune to magic.”
Applejack raised a hoof in the air. “Now, Twilight, Ah think Pinkie’s idea just might have some merit.” Pinkie’s face lit up in joy when she heard that.
“But... Ah’d say we go about this the ol’ fashion way first.”
The lavender unicorn stared at her skeptically. “And just what might that be?”
“Simple Twilight.” Applejack said. She turned to look towards the barn, letting out a high whistle.
“HEY BIG MAC!” She shouted. “FETCH ME MA LASSO, AND WINONA, IFFIN’ YOU’D BE SO KIND!”
Looking back at her two friends, she formed a dark grin. “It’s time for some gnome huntin’!”
Twilight and Pinkie Pie, following Applejack’s lead, galloped as fast their hooves could take them. Barking excitably, AJ’s dog Winona followed along, matching their speed. The trio of friends was on their way back to Ponyville.
A certain specific gnome was on the purple unicorn librarian’s mind. The little blighter in the tree. Of the three gnomes discovered to be infesting Twilight’s library, this one had to by far be the worst of them.
Luckily, Twi now had her solution in the form of a certain powerful earth pony mare with a newfound grudge against pointy-hatted men with beards.
Nightmare or not, these little creeps are going to get what’s coming to them. Nopony messes with Spike or my friends and gets away with it! Twilight mused.
“Twilight... Are ya sure you have specific ideas as ta where we can find... them varmints? As much as Ah... like a good ol’ roundup... it just ain’t proper when the herd is scattered... across the entirety of Equestria... ya know what Ah mean?” Applejack wondered in between gasps of breath.
“Don’t worry... like I said, they should be... in hard to reach... locations, and I’m pretty sure they’re only confined... to Ponyville. Princess... Celestia... PHEW!... Would have told me if they showed up... anywhere else by now!” Twilight replied, breathing raggedly.
“Ah’m gonna... take your word on that appraisal then, Twi.”
Pinkie Pie seemed to be the only one who was barely exerting any effort at all. While her two friends galloped as fast as they could, the pink party pony made her journey simply with bouncing and defying gravity.
“Oh boy, then that means we get to have the cute little gnomies all to ourselves! Yippy! I don’t like the one in the tree though, he doesn’t seem very fun loving, or nice.”
To Twilight’s own amazement, she actually agreed with Pinkie Pie on something, the last part, anyways. Regardless of the gracious agreement however, that did not stop Twilight from rolling her eyes along with AJ’s at their friend’s overall naivete.
As Ponyville appeared before them around the bend of the trees, Pinkie made yet another random remark. “I hope poor old Brian isn’t getting lonely without his little friends around to talk to back in Albion land!”
This was met with blank, confused stares from the other two.
Back in town, the tree gnome spared no expense insulting pedestrians who dared pass under the otherwise welcoming shade of the Golden Oak.
Derpy Hooves, everpony’s favorite mailpony, unfortunately was the first target, as she made her way past the Library delivering packages, letters, and fliers of all kinds.
“You remind me of an old friend... He was a twit! Just like you!”
Derpy glanced up at the source of the insult with a slightly cross-eyed glare. The little pointy-hatted jerk was quick to take advantage of the moment.
“I think ya might need some corrective surgery for that... ewww. Hey, I know of a solution. Come on up here with those wings of yours, I have a right good hammer just dying to do the trick!”
The mail mare darted away, crying hysterically. “Wanker!” The gnome shouted in the poor pony’s wake. Dr. Hooves had by chance stumbled upon the occurrence, and darted to Ditzy Doo’s defense.
“What is the matter with you! Who gives you the right to sit up their and insult somepony like that?” Hooves growled, wrapping a foreleg around Derpy’s shoulder.
As always, the gnome simply grinned at them. “Ooh, a Doctor. Guess what, if it were up to me, no one would ever get sick... they’d just die! Starting with, you!”
“Ah... I... You are a monster!” Dr. Hooves shot back.
Much to the Doctor and Derpy’s horror, the gnome in the tree ignored them. Yet another innocent bystander passed by, completely oblivious to what was happening.
A group of fillies trotted by, chatting with each other enthusiastically about something that had occurred moments ago at the park. It wasn’t nearly as scandalous compared to what they were about to encounter.
“Are you girls lost? Can I help you starve and die?!”
At that, most of the children scattered, screaming their little heads off. Two however, stood their ground and glared defiantly at the animate lawn sculpture perched in the tree branches.
“Just who do you think you are talking to?” Diamond Tiara demanded haughtily. “Yeah, don’t you know what our dads will do to you for insulting us! They own this town!” Silver Spoon added with equal pompousness.
The fillies’ defiance simply fueled the vile gnome’s antics.
“That’s a fine crown ya got there! Where ever did you get it, the nearest THRIFT SHOP?”
Diamond Tiara’s face boiled red with rage. “YOU’LL BE SORRY FOR THIS! DEARLY SORRY!”
Our gnome, still grinning, giggled evilly at the pair. “Hmm, now that I’ve given it a closer glance, I suppose those are real diamonds.” He said appraisingly.
Tiara calmed down, and a pleased smirk eventually fell on her face. “That’s what I thought.” She declared.
“How difficult was it... prying it off your Grandma’s stiff, rotting, maggot-filled corpse?”
Ahem, don’t you think you’re going too far with these insults?
“SHUT UP AND TELL THE REST OF THE STORY YOU TWIT!”
Sweet Celestia’s Mane, alright fine! Anyways... where were we... Ah yes!
Within, um like seconds, the two pint-sized aristocrats in training galloped away from the Library, issuing high-pitched screams as they went. The gnome giggled fiercely, causing Hooves and Derpy’s jaws to drop in pure shock.
Nearby, the Cutie Mark Crusaders had been on their most recent quest to discover their cutie marks, and had witnessed the whole exchange.
Scootaloo was laughing her head off at how the CMC’s two greatest nemeses had so quickly fled their unmoving opponent. Applebloom shook her friend with her hooves.
“Calm yourself, Scoots! It ain’t that funny, didn’t ya hear how morbid the things that creature said were?”
“But... it’s so... Ah! That just kills me!” The purpled-maned pegasus had tears streaming down her eyes from laughing so hard. Applebloom stared at her other fellow Crusader helplessly.
“Why dontch’a help me out here, Sweetie Bell?”
Sweetie Bell merely shrugged indifferently. “Hey, it was pretty funny seeing them bested like that. If you ask me, they had it coming!”
AJ’s little sister frowned, disappointed in her friends. “Well, Ah can see somepony insulting sompony else because the don’t like em’, but that pointed-hatted feller is taking it way too far, talking to Ditzy Doo and Dr. Hooves like that!”
Applebloom now grinned confidently, as an idea took hold in her mind. “Girls! Gather ‘round! I propose... Cutie Mark Crusaders, GNOME HUNTERS!”
Scootaloo wrinkled her muzzle, cringing, and Sweetie Bell shook her head rapidly.
“There’s no way my cutie mark is going to be one of those little creeps, you know, even if it is being smashed with a hammer, or whatever!” Sweetie Bell exclaimed.
Obviously let down, Applebloom shrugged and sighed, giving in. “Alright, but the next quest better be somethin’ interesting!” The other two girls grinned at her, and the three friends hastily fled the gnome’s insult radius, pursuing yet another great Crusade.
Their exit was accompanied by the subsequent arrival of half of the Mane Six with Winona in tow, determined to find and root out the gnome menace.
“Sic em’ out Winona!” Applejack shouted. The border colly energetically rushed towards the tree, having already sniffed the gnome’s pungent evil aura out. Winona barked and scratched at the base of the tree, jumping up in the tree gnome’s general direction.
From his precarious perched high up in the branches, supposedly unreachable, the little statue giggled at the furry creature.
“Ohhhh, I love doggies. I love throwing them into the river in a sack.” He declared.
Winona whimpered, and Applejack nearly flipped her lid. The farmer rushed up to the base of the Library and glared up at her pint-sized nemesis. She drew her lasso, turned her back towards the Oak, and called her friends over.
Twilight eagerly took position to the right the orange mare, while Pinkie Pie took the left, looking up towards the gnome and waving goodbye with a grin.
Not realizing what they were doing, the gnome simply grinned at them.
“Nice big lasso you’ve got there. What are you, compensating for something?”
Ignoring the little bearded man, AJ looked to both of her friends. “Ya girls ready?” They both nodded. “Alright then, in three... two... ONE!” They each bucked the massive Golden Oak in tandem.
Dr. Hooves and Derpy stepped back, wary of the now shaking tree.
Together, the mares’ combined force shook the entire Library with just enough force to finally dislodge the gnome from his hiding spot. Spike looked out a second story window to see what in Tartarus was going on. He was greeted by an awesome display.
Just before the much hated gnome could hit and shatter on the cobblestone street, Applejack skillfully caught the freak in her lasso, and using the momentum, flung him all the way out of Ponyville.
“Your days are numbered!” The gnome shouted as he quickly faded away into the sky. Wherever he went, his destruction was almost assured to follow.
The sight left the baby dragon with his jaw hanging open comically, an expression shared by Ditzy Doo and Doctor Hooves.
Finally snapping out of their awe-induced trance, the pair approached our three heroines of the day.
“Thank you so much for getting rid of that... that creature. Never in all my life have I heard of such vile sayings from a being of such unthreatening size before! I and Ditzy Doo are in your debt!” Derpy nodded excitably in agreement.
“You three saved our coats, how can we ever repay you?” She inquired.
Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack stood next to each other, grinning in triumph. “Aw shucks, you ain’t in our debts. All in a days work protectin’ Equestria from evil, ain’t that right Twi, Pinkie?”
The girls nodded.
“AJ’s right, you guys don’t owe us anything. We, I especially, am happy to see that little menace gone.” Twilight agreed with a relieved laugh.
Pinkie Pie frowned slightly. “Hey, what about the other gnomies? We should go find them and see if they are meanies or not! I hope at least one of them is nice, they can have a great, great, GREAT sense of humor sometimes!” She was grinning once again.
Her monologue was accompanied by a loud scream.
Twilight’s ears perked up in alarm, and she face-hoofed. “Of course! The other gnomes, I was so relieved about having my home free of them, I forgot about the rest! Oh dear...”
“Well, we can’t just stand here like tumbleweeds caught in molasses, let’s get a move on sugarcube!” Applejack declared, before sprinting off in the direction of the scream.
As Twilight and Pinky rushed to catch up with the farm pony, more screams, shrieks, and shouts of outrage echoed across the town.
The gnomes were attacking in force.
As the hour went on, the three friends sought out and vanquished several gnomes in alleyways, storefronts, and other diverse locations.
Finally, the last few Twilight could detect with her magic were located as well and smashed, or flung well out of town. They were holed up in town hall, under the bridge into town, and atop Ponyvilles’s large grain windmill.
The former had been insulting Mayor Mare on account of her age. Had she been younger, and less professional, she would have already obliterated her office attempting to remove the pointy-hatted freak.
When Twilight fully explained her dreams to her, and the Town Hall gnome was no more, the Mayor was more than grateful, and promised each of the friends an award ceremony and everything when all 50 gnomes had finally been brought to justice.
The latter gnomes were more difficult to deal with, Twilight had to levitate Applejack down under the bridge to get at the gnome infesting it. Twi dropped her several times whenever the gnome would say something so extreme it would cause the unicorn to lose her focus.
Windmill gnome finally met his match when Pinkie Pie defied the laws of physics once more, and somehow found a way to get up to him without climbing. Her subsequent excitable questioning, party invites, and ranting proved too much for him to handle.
“I’m going to bring you down on your head! Hear me?” Were the gnomes last words.
Once their gnome hunting had concluded, Twilight tallied at least 16 had been ruthlessly destroyed or flung well out of Ponyville airspace.
“That was super-duper fun playing tag with the gnomies!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, as the three settled down for some much-deserved lunch in Twilight’s kitchen.
“Pinkie Pie, we weren’t... Ugh. Never mind.” Twilight said, shrugging it off.
“So we’re now down ta just a nifty thirty, ain’t that ‘bout right?” AJ wondered.
The logic-oriented unicorn smiled at her friend pleasantly. “Not too bad considering they all just appeared today, terrible morning aside.” Twilight noted in response. She then took a bite of her daisy sandwich.
“Terrible morning? Try terrible everything!” Spike interjected. “I’m not gonna be able to sleep properly for weeks now because of that creepy gnome guy. And I’ll never trust high, hard to reach places again.” He finished with a shudder.
Twilight laid a hoof on her assistant’s shoulder. “Don’t worry Spike. We’ll have those evil little creatures found and banished in no time at all. And then maybe I can get some proper shut eye.”
“Well, I still don’t think all of them are evil.” Pinkie Pie said, crossing her forelegs and pouting.
You really so sure about that? Even after everything you have seen of them?
“Well of course silly-billy! It wouldn’t be nice to assume all gnomes are evil, just because all the ones we saw are meanies. There have got to be nice, adorable ones out there, just look at their cute pointy little caps!”
“Pinkie Pie, who in tarnation are ya talkin’ too, sugarcube?” Applejack asked, at least a bit worried about her friend. Spike and Twilight were also giving her funny looks.
Pinkie simply shrugged. “I don’t know, Gummy maybe?!” She pulled her pet alligator out of nowhere and started stroking his scales lovingly.
The others shrugged and returned tho their meals. Just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie. Nothing to see here.
Just as they all finished their lunch, a loud (if very dramatic) scream cut into the peace of the moment.
“Oh no, RARITY!” Spike shouted, rushing into a panic.
Meanwhile, on the far side of Ponyville...
Fluttershy was going about her daily ritual of feeding and looking after her animals. As she sniffed the air, she sighed in enjoyment.
All in all, it was a pleasant and peaceful day. Birds chirped, flowers carried their scents through the gentle breeze, and butterflies fluttered gracefully from leaf to leaf. Even the sky was perfect, hardly a cloud to mar Celestia’s perfect sun. The pegasi must be in a cheerful mood today.
Humming a graceful tune to herself as she set to work, it seemed as if nothing could possibly spoil the raw beauty of the nature surrounding her.
Unbeknownst to the timid yellow pegasus, a pint-sized, insult-based threat lurked nearby.
“Pointy little hat, pointy little hat, pointy little hat....”
