A Nonsensical, Not-So-Accurate Retelling of US History
And That's How Amareica Was Made(!)
By: The Grey Pegasus
So once upon a time, there was a magical land called Equestria–
"Well it's still around, but–"
"Be quiet Twi."
–and there were two regal sisters who ruled together-
"How much together, huh?"
"Rainbow Dash, it was actually quite–"
"Twilight, be quiet."
–and attempted-
"It's not their fault the populace isn't always agreeable."
"Ha! Democracy!"
"Okay, Twilight, just for you
–and generally-
"Acceptable..."
–created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her unicorn powers to raise-
"–taxes-"
"Applejack..."
"You know it's true Miss I'm-From-There."
"Hush you two."
–the sun at dawn-
"Which became a disputed fact a couple centuries ago."
"But it's cooler this way Twilight!"
*Sigh*"Continue."
–the younger brought out-
"–rebellion-"
"Hush, Twi."
"What, I'm not allowed to make comments?"
"I've got citizen rights."
–the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects, all the different kinds of ponies. But as time went on, the younger sister became resentful. The ponies relished and played in the day her older sister brought forth, but shunned and slept through her beautiful night-
"That is much more shallow than my reasoning was."
"No, it sounded correct."
"If I recall, you were one that slept through them because-"
–One fateful day, the younger unicorn refused to lower the moon to make way for the dawn-
"That was a minor argument."
"I must agree. A threat with no basis in reality."
"Er... right..."
–The elder sister tried to reason with her-
"It wasn't really that hard."
–but the bitterness in the young one's heart had transformed her into a wicked mare of darkness: Nightmare Moon-
"Yes, your actions caused nightmares in Parliament. A subject of much irritation."
"Why do I feel like we're going off track?..."
–She vowed that she would shroud the land in eternal night-
"But that would be too hard, so she just moved back a couple of time zones."
"Not to mention how it would damage the ecosystem..."
–Reluctantly, the elder sister harnessed the most powerful magic known to ponydom: the Elements of Harmony-
"I... don't recall doing that?"
"Neither do I..."
–Using the magic of the Elements of Harmony, she defeated her younger sister-
"Wait, clearly I was the victor, for we would not be here if..."
"The Elements of Harmony? Why, they are but dormant artifacts now."
–and banished her permanently on the moon-
"Pinkie what are you talking about?"
Pinkie paused in the middle of her little act and looked at her surroundings. There were seven other ponies in the room. Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Luna, and Celestia. They all shared the same confused look. They surrounded a table draped in a white cloth, and clearly they had just finished eating.
Looking even more around her, the furnishings, like that flag... well, told her enough. 'Whoopsies! Wrong story!'
"I... don't think I've ever been to the moon," Luna remarked.
"That would have been a useful way to get rid of you though," Celestia admitted.
"What year is it again?" Pinkie asked.
"Year? Pinkie, it's... 1926... why are you even asking?" Applejack answered.
"Well duh you haven't been to the moon yet!"
"I'm afraid I don't understand..." said Luna.
"Amd permanently? On the moon?" Rarity asked. "Where in the world did you get these outrageous ideas, darling?"
"Well it wouldn't actually be permanently. It was actually more like a thousand years," Pinkie replied.
"At our age, sure days turn into years easily, but centuries? Heavens no! A century and a half was long enough," said Celestia.
"So is that your version of how–" Rainbow began.
"No, no, that was how Equestria... um... came to be." Pinkie looked for the right story somewhere.
"But Equestria came to be Equland. You know, Great Braytain?" Twilight pointed out. "The country from which the Queen in front of you is from? What do they teach here?"
"Twilight... you don't have to be so... defensive... if that's okay. I mean, I know it's your home, but..." Fluttershy suggested.
"Right. I'm sorry. I'm just not used to..." Twilight motioned to Pinkie.
"So," Applejack began, "Are you done or are you gonna keep goin'?"
"I know, I know!" Pinkie squinted one of her eyes in thought. "How about
–but the bitterness in the young one's heart was nearing her boundaries.
Around the same time, tensions were rising between Braytain and her colonies-
"Yes, this seems a bit more on track," Rarity commented.
"Now the younger, who had sympathized with the colonies earlier-"
"Wait," Applejack interrupted. "What happened to all your standing up and your theatrics and all that?"
"Oh, I've digressed! But not really, since I'm not going back to it!"
"Not going back to what?" Twilight asked. "What did you digress from in the first place? Your story of full of... lunacy?"
Luna gave Twilight a cold stare while Celestia hid a laugh.
"The original narration!"
"Original? What do..." Twilight gave up. "Oh, just get on with it."
"So where was I?" Pinkie wondered.
"Sympathizing with the colonies," Luna answered. "And I did, when I was appointed War Minister in an earlier conflict."
"Oh right! So the younger understood their plight about feeling... um... unequal and under-appreciated. Despite her attempts to better their well-being, Parliament ignored her input and treatment of the colonies continued on as it had."
"Pinkie, why are you speaking like this anyways?" Rarity asked.
"Yeah, I mean, Luna's right there," Rainbow pointed out. "You know you could just say her name."
Pinkie considered losing the flair to sound normal.
'Actually, you're the one considering losing the flair so you don't sound weird.'
Fine.
'Is someone insecure about their history?!'
...
"So the colonies themselves eventually grew restless of Braytish rule, and thus began a rebellion."
"'Thus began a rebellion'..." Celestia quietly echoed.
'Author! Be consistent!'
No you!
"Then Luna decided to cross the Antlertic Ocean once open war broke out in 1776. She was well-recieved in the colonies because of her sympathetic perspective of them in previous years."
"Yes, it was a considerably warm welcome." Luna thought back to the memory. "Especially considering the trouble I had of getting out of Equland in the first place."
"But it wasn't just politics was it sister?" asked Celestia.
"No, personal motives existed as well; there was still truth in Miss Pie's... first... account. One reason of which was to get away from you."
Celestia said nothing, but contemplated a thought.
"Well obviously it incited hostile reactions from the Queen," said Twilight.
"Yes," said Celestia. "Luna was declared a traitor, and the war was now also against my sibling of the crown, not just Braytain and the colonies."
"Where we totally kicked your flanks!" Rainbow teased.
"Not really, Rainbow..." Twilight said to the pegasus in front of her. "You're lucky Prance came to save your flanks."
"Calm down, you two," said Rarity. "It's all in the past now."
"Well, I commend you, Luna, for being strong-willed–"
"–And very aggravated towards you like the colonists I was among. Oh the progression of new political ideas! A new republic was born! Not one had been seen in ages! The war became for independence–"
"Which was declared on July 4, 1776! And that's how Amareica was made! Happy Independence Day!"
"Yeah, Happy You-Stole-Yourselves-From-Us Day," Twilight remarked.