I never knew the ponies had affected me this badly. Never in the world would I have known my mind somehow was slowly going insane. I was stressed out and in desperate need to slow my roll. If I had a cookie for everytime I wish I could relax, I'd be best friends with Pinkie for having so many damn cookies. My life isn't necessarily a wreck, but somehow, in a weird pony filled way, I learned to slow down and enjoy myself. Even if I know I am insane.
Edit: Please for the love of god don't just dislike this story and run off. I'm really not in the mood for that bullshit, tell me why you disliked it at least.
The terrors within my mind have slowly been seeping out, and won’t go away. I see things in the distance move, only to see nothing a second later. My first guess was paranormal, because I’ve always intrigued the idea of ghost. Now I know it is much different. It’s me, and I know it’s me because I’ve asked.
“Ugh this shit again?” my mind was playing tricks on me as the stress of life had weakened my mind. My dreams haunt rather than them relaxing me now. I woke up with my rarity shirt on, in the hopes that yesterday would have been a good day. It only turned out to be the most stressful and annoying fucking day of my life, dealing with the cops, the insurance company, and just overall the sheer amount of waiting. I wrecked the last working car my family had, and now we are down to jack shit. It wasn't my fault, but it’s still the point of the matter. The guy ran off, before I could get the license plate.
I wake up today feeling a slight headache, only to want to roll over and go back to sleep. There wasn’t anything significant about being in a wreck, I’m alive at least. Maybe it’s just that coupled with the sheer stress of being in college. Either way, I at least got to look forward and stay positive.
Luckily I have my ponies and their positive behavior to keep me smiling, to keep my life pushing forward, to keep myself sane in this world, and to keep my writing sharp. I like to think myself as a writer. Otherwise I’m just a crabby review person in most to all of my spare time. I fancy a lot of things, from ponies to video games, from old things to weed. There is really no end to my hobby list, I do a lot of things to keep my mind busy, and to keep it off the stress of life as I grow older. Being eighteen I know I'm not old by any means, but there is no reason that any one human should feel this amount of stress.
Today was different, and for some reason something about me was changing. The dream I had last night had been about ponies, for the first time ever. The mane six and I sat around a table, laughing cheering and having a good time as we watched mythical creatures battle it out to the death in a chamber. It was a weird thought, but I have thoughts like this all the time. I wish someone would record my thoughts about ponies and write a fan fiction for every single one of them.
I stumbled out of my bed, almost tripping in the amount of clothes that have amassed in my floor. My room is a wreck, but it’ll have to do for now. The sun battered against my shades, on a lovely Saturday morning. I opened the door only to be greeted by a rather familiar figure.
“Hiya Ben!” I looked down, almost falling backwards because it had scared me so bad. I wasn't ready for this. Pinkie Pie had apparently showed up in front of me, in my universe, and god damn was she a contrast to the rest of my house. The bright pink pony looked up at me and smiled.
“Um, what?” In disbelief I closed my door again, and opened it. She had gone away. I let out a sigh of relief only to question my sanity. I knew I was extremely stressed, but I didn’t need ponies traversing through space and time to my world. At least the voices in my head had gone away. Yesterday was bad, and even if I am over it, it goes to show that anybody can become insane.
“This is a neat room! I love the color!” I turned around to see Pinkie Pie jumping on my bed. In a small panic attack, I quickly grabbed her and put her on the floor. I quickly closed my bedroom door and turned around to see that she had disappeared again.
In the next room in almost a mumble I heard a familiar voice, “Would ya keep it down in there, I’m tryin’ to sleep!” I quickly opened my door again and walked into my game room where on the couch was lying a rather rainbow colored pony. Rainbow dash was sleeping on my couch, upstairs, in my parent’s house. My thoughts buzzed between ‘oh shit,’ and ‘why are there ponies in my universe?’
Like I needed to explain why there were ponies in my house, my real question is why do they exist? So, I went in the game room and sat in my chair, staring at the floor. Luckily there was a moment of silence as I shut my eyes, and tried to wish them away. There was a sudden tap on my head from what felt to be a hoof. I opened my eyes to see Twilight Sparkle in front of me.
“Shouldn’t you be studying for a test coming up next week?”
My mouth dropped, in an utter confused state, I babbled out a few words.“Uh, uh… I mean, yeah.” She had a disappointed look on her face.
“It’s almost eleven, how can you sleep in with a test coming up!?” She stamped her hoof, and I suddenly realized something.
“How… How do you know I have a test next week?” She rolled her eyes.
“I sit with you in class every day! If it weren’t for me you’d probably forget your head.” She wasn’t right, she had never appeared in front of me before now, and neither has any other pony. Now I’m absolutely sure that I’ve gone insane. This was the final straw of it. The stress finally got to me.
“I think I’m gonna puke.” I pulled a trash can next to my mini fridge and let loose the nasty chunks of what little food I had in my stomach. I really wanted to eat, but I was afraid to lift my head up from the trash can. I didn’t fear the ponies, I was just lost of how to explain them. Plus my head was now pounding against all sides of my skull.
I wanted my rooms to be empty. My blue bedroom with nothing but a bed, and a dresser stuffed in the closet and old things I decided to keep on the shelf above. I want my game room with my eight video game systems i got as gifts and bought myself to be back to normal. One flat screen, and one tube T.V, with my big comfy chair, and the futon to be Rainbow Dash free. I wanted my coffee, and I wanted a bowl of Ramen. There were many things I’ve wanted in the past, but now, I just wanted things to be normal. I finally decided to look up from my trash can. The ponies had disappeared.
“Ben!” My mom came up stairs and gave me the angry stare. ‘Oh shit’ was my first thought. The ponies must have gone downstairs.
“Yes mom?” Was all I replied.
“I’ve called you three times how come you didn’t answer?” My first reaction was to ask her what she heard, but somehow I knew better.
“Oh um sorry, whaddya need?”
“I was just wondering who you were talking to?” She wasn’t so angry anymore.
“Oh, uh, I was actually talking to Nemo over the phone.”
“Why was he calling?”
“To tell me to get online and play xbox with him.” I decided to pick up my controller and turn on my console. Suddenly there was a shout over my shoulder.
“Ooo! I wanna play!” I thought Pinkie had reappeared. I turned around to see nothing, and slowly turned back to my mom.
“Well, don’t stay on the xbox all day.” I nodded and gave a gesture to show I got the message. She then walked out and back downstairs. I leaned back and covered my face with my hands.
“I must be bat-shit crazy.” I sat there for ten minutes breathing slowly, taking deep breaths trying to clear my mind.
With the day still young and me trying to collect my thoughts, I looked up to see Twilight with a concerned look on her face. I sighed, and felt like crying and laughing at the same time. Not that it would help my cause, but this was a rare moment in my life where something about my mind wanted to be angry, but couldn’t help laugh at it. Listen to me personify my mind when there is a technicolor pony staring me in the face.
“Um, Ben… are you okay?” Twilight said that with concern in her voice, as if there was nothing wrong. I just stared at her for a moment, trying to come to terms with myself that this was really happening to me.
“Well, yes and no. See, you do not really exist. In fact I’m pretty sure I’m the only one that can see you.” Twilight interrupted
“Well, duh, we are you.” She said it so ‘matter of factly,’ “You’re crazy after all, and you need our help.” At this point I was lost, and decided to go think on this subject with a cup of coffee. I left my game room to head downstairs, and the ponies must have vanished behind me. Unluckily the next pony I see is Fluttershy who is following my cat around asking it questions. I decided to ignore that one until later and headed straight for my coffee pot. I pulled out my mug and set it down. The granite counter was cold as always, and the cheap laminated hardwoods felt compressed under my feet. I pour myself a cup and put some of the sugar in. I start to turn around when I see Pinkie on my counter looking through my snacks.
“No, no, no, UGH! Where are all the sweets! You can’t have coffee without a cookie or something!” She threw her hooves up, and I just kept ignoring all the madness going on around me. I went to the fridge and grabbed the creamer. I went back to my cup poured the creamer in and stirred. I finally turned around to see Pinkie. She had a cookie in her mouth and was handing it up to me. Perhaps it was one of the cutest moments I’ve witnessed in a long time. The weird part, I was able to physically touch the cookie. I picked it up, dipped it in my coffee and took a bite. The coffee was hot enough it melted the chocolate chips inside, and I had a very wondrous moment of euphoria. Just everything had suddenly become perfect.
I looked back down to see Pinkie staring up at me with a smile, and then she just trotted off back upstairs. I stood there baffled. They could not be seen or heard except by me. Yet they have the physical ability to hand me things, and somehow witness events of my life. Instead of going back upstairs, I just decided to lean against my counter and enjoy my coffee. It’s odd how a rare moment of panic, and insanity turns out to be a beautiful small moment.
I sat outside, smoking a hookah by myself. The soft trickling of the rain was soothing. It was a wondrous moment of enjoyment. I know I am insane, but somehow I learned to accept it. With that acceptance I thought I had found peace. Little to my knowledge a pony decided to sit next to me. Quiet as he always is.
"Man, it's nice to be alone and not stressed out anymore." I said out loud to myself. It's weird that I speak to myself, but I figure if I never answer back, then I'd be okay.
"Eyup." I flinched a little as I looked over and let out some smoke. Big Mac was sitting in the chair next to me. Which was odd, and made me question my sanity once again. Big Mac motioned for the hookah hose, which surprised me as I handed it over to him. He took it out of my hands and took a long drag off of it. He gave me a look.
"So, Big Mac?" I knew what the response would be.
"Eyup." Curiosity began to grip me as he sat there smoking off my hookah. Which is weird because he doesn't exist.
"What, why are you here?" He handed me my hookah hose back, and as a began to take it, he shrugged. I guess I can't ask too much from a silent pony.
"So, I figure you will give me the most honest answer." He nodded. "Am I insane?" I dragged off the hookah, allowing my apple flavored shisha to make me salivate. I paused my thoughts, and cancelled out the sounds, awaiting an answer. Instead he was silent. He only motioned for the hose, which I gladly passed. I sat on the edge of my seat awaiting the answer to the question. Instead I still heard silent raindrops, and my hookah bubble as he smoked off of it. Some how, I felt as if that was the answer. Some how, just accepting the silence seemed better than exploring what was inside my head. Some how, I knew the answer before I even asked it, and maybe this was my own little way of accepting it.
The rain began to get a little heavier and the wind blowing, I caught glimpse of Big Mac handing me my hose back. I looked out into my street, at the grey that surrounded everything in sight. I took a toke off my hookah, and looked back over to see Big Mac had disappeared. I wasn't sure what was going on in my mind, but maybe this was the first step in learning. Acceptance maybe the only way to learn about something else.
I sat quietly, listening to the rain pelting the bushes in front on my porch. The bushes were very green in contrast to the day. A deep green in fact. Somehow, watching the water slowly drip off the leaves, reminding me of a tear. It wasn't a tear of sadness, but a tear of curiosity. I tried not to think about tears of curiosity, considering they don't exist.
I sat up, the metal chair moved a little making a small scraping noise on the concrete below. I grabbed the burning coal off the top of my hookah and dropped it into my glass of water. It sizzled and turned the water black.
"Um, Ben?" I looked up from the black glass to see Fluttershy.
Instead of jumping or flinching, I just simply gave a reply. "Yes?"
"Is it okay if I ask you a question?" Fluttershy seemed concerned in her usual nature. I just nodded. "Are you okay?" She came up next to me.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I looked back out onto my street. It was late in the day, but everything was still bright as the morning had been, just a little more grey. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Fluttershy sit down on the concrete next to me, and she also stared at the street.
"Out of curiosity, Fluttershy, why are birds still active even on a rainy day?" I looked down at her, and she smiled.
"Because, if they laid around all day, they wouldn't survive." I accepted the answer, and my mind had already begun to think about a lazy bird.
"So, what if I were still active on a rainy day?" Fluttershy looked up at me, with a confused look. I wasn't really sure why the questions confused her, but I awaited an answer anyways.
"Well, I guess you would be surviving then." Some how, I felt that answer to be acceptable.
I turned around and unscrewed the top from my hookah. I poured the water out into the bushes. It made a different kind of splash on the ground, much different from the rain. It was unnatural. I screwed the hookah top back in, and grabbed my coals and the lighter. Fluttershy was gone when I looked back up.
The hookah was put back together as I took it inside and upstairs to my room. I set it by my door, and went to my bed. I laid face up, staring at the ceiling. I gave out a big yawn, when I looked over to see Fluttershy again. She was staring at me, with curiosity in her face.
"Um, ben, can I come in? It's okay right?" I nodded, deciding not to say much. She walked over to my desk chair and sat in it. Staring at me in silence. I enjoyed the silence, but I didn't enjoy the uncomfortable stare. She looked like she wanted to say something.
"Ben, are you sure you're okay?" I nodded again, as my blue room put me at peace. She must have not been happy with that answer, because she gave the look of 'are you sure?' I sighed.
"Fluttershy, I am fine, just I've been thinking about a lot lately. I mean I figured you should know, after all you are a part of me." She looked eager to listen, and it was odd, but I didn't feel like I was talking to myself. "Well, if you must know, I've been thinking about who I am. You know, always questioning what I should be, and I mean, you guys should consider yourself lucky. In your world, you find out who you are, and you can be happy with that, and even paid for being that. Humans, well we aren't that lucky." She seemed to understand, but still had a look of curiosity.
"Well, why don't you do what you want? I mean if you want to..." I was a little annoyed, but I guess she was right. 'Why don't I do what I want?' I thought to myself. I knew the answer as to why, but I felt as if the why she asked was different.
"I'm not totally for sure Flutters. It maybe due to the fact it's pressure from society to conform, but I've never felt pressured. Maybe it's to be better than what I am, but why would I want to be better than myself?" I was lost, and I'm sure Fluttershy was a little lost too.
"Actually, everyone wants to do that." I was surprised, I wasn't expecting an answer to my rhetorical question, and I certainly did not expect an answer like that.
"Well, I guess that's right. We all strive to better ourselves, but why?" With that I looked up to see that Fluttershy had disappeared, and I was left with the ageless question. Why?
Marijuana consumed the air, and my lungs. Peaceful inhales, and peaceful exhales. A calm meditative rhythm. I never knew moments like this could be invigorating before I tired it. I sat on my back porch, on a step that was cracked. Not to the point of disrepair, or that it would become dangerous. Just, a crack. I sat there and looked at it deeply. Wishing that the reflections of water would magically appear.
"I must be tripping." I seem to speak out loud to myself a little too often.
"I'm sorry darling, come again?" this time without any flinch from me, I calmly turned around to see Rarity, standing behind me.
"Don't worry about it..." I took another hit off my small pipe, and Rarity gagged at the smell. Something must have caught her off guard, because she quickly desisted in her gagging.
"Oh my, that is a beautiful piece. What is the name of it?" Rarity came and sat next to me, much like a dog of some sorts. I just eyeballed my piece, admiring it's beauty. The weed had began to seep slowly into my mind.
"It's, uh, its name is Count Crocula." I laughed at the name. "It ain't perfect, it has a small crack in it."
"Oh don't worry darling, it gives it character." I looked at the crack of my family heirloom. It had been done by my brother. It still functions though. I stared into the glass, it's soft mixture of colors reflected my image, and the small lizard on top stared back at me.
"Character. It must be why we name our pieces." I chuckled at my joke. Rarity seemed to disagree.
"I think you name your pipes, er, your pieces because anything held close to you deserves a name. Why just look at my little lady Opalescence. She is just the most wonderful thing, and I hold her very close to me." I knew my rebuttal before she had finished.
"Well, that's something that is actually alive." I said so matter of factly. "It doesn't explain why I hold it close to me. Everyone has their reasons." I thought I had been logical enough in my answer to attain the quiet atmosphere again. I took another hit off my pipe.
"Well, you see, there is a reason for everyone. Plus, I didn't want to bring this up, but I name all of my beauty products." I looked over at her, curious. She seemed a little dramatic, but I wanted to let her continue. "In fact, my hairbrush is named Floyd. After a young foalhood sweetheart I had. He had the must ravishing mane. It was more of an indigo color, and outshines even his color." She shifted a little "I haven't seen him around, in ages, but I can never forget such style."
I didn't take anything from that. I was too busy thinking about my pipe as an actual living thing. It's features and it's function were near flawless. Yet somehow, a crack still remained, and somehow, the character of Count Crocula was it's own.
I sat on the edge of a small cliff. Being young always taught you how to roam around, and i found this after one of my many 'excursions' with my friends. This was my cliff, and I always found it easy to think here. There are times I had contemplated jumping, after living two lives for so long. It just seemed there was only one way to stop it all. I've always wondered would the universe be any different had I actually taken a step. I've always wondered that.
"Ben?" I heard a familiar voice behind me, one that was usually happy and cheerful now sounded depressing and I couldn't help but feel my heart rate slow to a crawl.
I sighed, "Yes Pinkie?" I turned around to face her. She had a flat mane, and her pink had turned a rather pinkish grey.
"You're thinking about doing it again?" I looked at her, tears welling up in my eyes. I have never felt more disappointed in myself. The first time I looked over the cliff, ready to take a step, I thought I could better myself. Instead I created an alter ego, and it is a mask I still wear. Very few know me without it on.
Pinkie looked down at the ground and shuffled her hooves. "I wouldn't blame you if you did." I looked behind me, the small cliff had a rocky bottom. Far enough to kill, or at least make a person forget. I looked back at Pinkie who had a small ring of wetness well up in her eyes.
"Pinkie, I'm sorry." I kept the edge of the cliff in my peripheral vision, always a constant reminder that it is there. "My lies have hurt many, but lies always hurt me twice as much. I just wanted everyone to be happy while being around me. I just wanted my own happiness. Only to be reminded of this cliff, every damn time." I kicked a rock off the cliff, and heard the everlasting tumble at the bottom. I sat down with my feet hanging off the end, as they had grown tired on the climb up here. I had began to cry, but it wasn't hysterical. It was almost like acceptance, that my fate was to teeter on an edge.
"Not everyone has to be happy. Happiness comes and goes, much like sadness or any other emotion. Happiness cannot be forced, and it most certainly cannot be held forever." I turned around to see Pinkie stare me down, her mane still flat, but her stare had turned into something I haven't seen in a while.
"Pinkie, please, I need to be alone." She made small movement towards me. As anger seemed to fill her eyes. She still stared me down.
"Being alone! This is where it got you in the first place! You cannot do this alone!" She yelled, but I did not lose my composure. I simply turned my head to face her, only to get too scared to look her in the eyes. I quickly turned back around and stared at the ground, it was so far away.
I flicked a rock to tumble down the cliff side. "Pinkie, I've done it alone before, why can't I do it now?" I stared up to the grey skies. A constant overcast anymore.
"Ben, no one can help you, but you want to help everyone." I shrugged, and Pinkie walked and hung her hind hooves off the cliff. She was sitting next to me, still staring me down. "You've done it alone so far, because you never gave full trust into anyone, so they can never do the same with you." I looked at her. Trying to make sense of what she was saying.
"But, I do give my full trust."
She sighed and shook her head. "No Ben, you don't. You are afraid of getting hurt, or hurting another's feelings. You want to be happy, yet you only think about everyone else's happiness. When was the last time you stopped and asked, 'what makes me happy?'" I shivered a little, it had begun to get chilly.
I took my hoodie and put it on, in an instant the buzz of cool air was gone. I lifted up my hood, to cover my face from embarrassment. I had not asked myself what made me happy. I've never been happy unless others are, and Pinkie was right about all of it.
"But, making people happy does make me happy Pinkie, you should understand that." Again she shook her head, and I felt a little dumbfounded. I thought that's why she was happy, well until now.
"Ben, I am happy, because I do the things I love. I bake, I eat, I sleep, I laugh, and even sometimes when I am alone, I cry. I don't want to, but sometimes you have to be sad in order to be happy. Don't you get that yet?"
I looked over to reply, and like dust, she had vanished by way of the wind. It was the first time I cried in a long time, just for the sake of crying. It was the first time, I enjoyed being cold, and I enjoyed silence.
I wasn't thinking straight, not really that unusual. Everything led to another, and somehow I ended up on the swing underneath a giant Oak tree. I wasn't swinging, I was just letting my feet dangle. Enjoying the cool summer night. Of course being accompanied by a pony. To my surprise it was Applejack. Not really sure what part of me she represents. Maybe hard work, probably why she hasn't shown up until now.
"Hey Sugarcube, why are ya out here all by your lonesome?" Her country accent thick as usual.
"Ah, just kind of living I guess, doing nothing but slowly swinging, well if you call this swinging." Applejack nodded her head, and suddenly she got a confused look on her face.
"You know it's the middle of the night right? Like, it's almost one o' clock honey."
I just kind of shrugged "Eh, nothing else to do but think." Applejack seemed to accept the answer as she sat in the grass next to me and stared up at the skies. Not a star in site, kind of the downside of living in a well lit up area. Being alone had it's benefits, at least then I could see stars.
"Ever get ta wonderin'... what it's like to be in space?" I was able to see a few stars, but I counted about three satellites as they slowly moved across the sky.
"Nope, I'm afraid of space, just too much of it. Although zero gravity might be cool."
She laughed "Yeah, I'm guess'n it's pretty fun to be up there." She still looked concerned about something, I couldn't help bu notice. I knew something was up, and I wasn't sure what it was. Maybe the vibe, maybe the way she looks, or maybe it was just me, expecting things to always be wrong with people.
"Hey A.J?"
"Eyeah?"
"Ya alright?"
She let out a sigh, and looked over at me. "Na, but sometimes it seems like it huh?" She then looked back up at the sky. "and I always get ta thinkin' that maybe out there somewhere, is someplace better to be, but then I have to come back to my mind, and get my head out of them stars." She kept looking in the sky. I hopped off the swing, giving a big stretch, about to say something else to A.J, only for her to disappear.
Unsure of what to make of the recent pony visit, I just shrugged it off as I walked around the Oak tree I had just sat in. Carved in the side, to my displeasure, was my name. I carved it there years ago, only for it to remain.
The darkness came and it went. With the lights of cars lighting up my room, and me sweating in panic as another nightmare had occurred. I rolled over, and the sweat on my back instantly became cool. It felt so cold it made me shiver a little.
Yawn, I sat up, no longer feeling tired and turned on the light. There in the corner laid Pinkie curled up in a ball sleeping on top of the pillow that had fallen off. She slumbered, as if my mind was toying with me. I tried my hardest to make her disappear, the usual tricks, rubbing my eyes, closing them. Oh well. Some say the world will end in fire, and I humbly disagree. I've always believed our own insanity would seep out, destroying us all. Many believe it will be ice, and as Frost would say, I think I would rather perish twice that way.
Pinkie began to stir, as her eyes opened. With a yawn and a stretch she looked at me. "Geez think you could have slept a little longer?" Pinkie had her eyes half open, and her mane even more tangled up than usual.
"Sorry, nightmares. You know the usual." It was very odd how one pony seems to always be around me. Not sure if it's because she's my favorite, or just the simple fact she likes being there for beings of any kind.
She stretched one more time "Okay, then what is the dream about?"
"About, well my past mainly." I sat there to collect my thoughts and try my best to detail the dream. Explaining as much detail as I could, with Pinkie's eyes slowly widening.
"... and then I watched myself jump off a building, essentially watching my own death. Funny thing is, that didn't wake me up, but the cold feelings that shot throughout my body did. I sat there for a second as my body became colder and colder as I watched my own blood drain onto sidewalk." Pinkie sat there for a puzzled look for a second, then she gave a great big smile.
"Well that was an odd dream to have. Would a cookie and some coffee make you feel better?' She was bouncing up and down in front of my door.
I smiled, letting out a little laugh. Some how even when this dream reoccurs, I forget I ever had it. It's the same every time, but it goes away from my thoughts. "Sure Pinkie let's go get some coffee."
I opened my door when suddenly a feeling hit me. A wave of darkness overcame me, petrifying me. Suddenly rage began to well up, making me want to yell at the top of my lungs and push in someone's eyeballs. Immediately afterwards I collapsed on the floor and began to sob my eyes out. Pinkie quickly came over to me, nudging at me.
"Come on Ben, get up." Her nudges finally got me to calm down, and that's when I realized how bad my mind has gotten.
"I'm... I'm sorry Pinkie, I don't know what came over me. I'm going insane I guess."
I went back to my room and grabbed my vaporizer. The calming taste of marijuana began to consume me. At first my body began to relax, and then everything else followed.
I turned to Pinkie, "Okay, lets go get some cookies and coffee now."
