Roger is Best Pony
As a longtime resident of Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle was used to the peculiar. On this particular sunny day, however, she would find herself faced with something that, while not totally unfamiliar, was completely and undeniably a first for the town.
It all started when Spike, her faithful assistant and surrogate brother, came knocking on her door. Twilight, ever the vigilant learner, was pouring over a series of treaties written more than one-hundred years ago, detailing the specific borders between Equestria and the Griffon Kingdoms. It was a fascinating read and one she was sure to put to good use when Equestria played host to their avian ambassadors. Twilight wanted to be prepared. She was even practicing her Griffon-speak.
“Leq’han amiri j’hak. Ken’ch’a mori khato’jha,” she said hesitantly. She found the consonants a particular challenge as pony vocal chords did not possess the harsh baritone of their Eastern neighbors. Still, it proved a joyful afternoon. Twilight couldn’t wait to practice her Griffonian come the summit. Now the real challenge came in reading the darn language. The griffons used a runic alphabet that was different from the Celestial script common to Equestria. It reminded her of the draconic characters she’d studied back in her History of the Dragon Empires in Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.
“Katheri ac’ghan?” Twilight said, her eyes narrowing on a peculiar character. “Katheri ac’jian?” Her eyes lit up. “Ac’jian!” Satisfied with herself, she moved onto the next word paragraph. Already she had translated three-fourths of the treaties herself. Of course there was already a translated text, but Twilight wanted to master the language so she had pulled out her own parchment and began jotting down the words she wasn’t sure of before committing them to memory.
Knock-knock.
“Wach’jai!” Twilight said.
The door to the study slowly opened. A small purple dragon poked his head inside. “Um…what did you say?”
Glancing up from her studies, Twilight beamed at her little companion. “I said ‘Enter’ in Griffonian.” Giggling she added, “Isn’t it a marvelous language?”
Spike had nothing to say to that.
“Oh don’t give me that look,” the giddy princess said, returning to her notes. “If you’d paid as much attention to your studies of foreign languages as you did your comics, you’d be a polyglot by now.”
“A poly-what? Is that Griffonian too?”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “It means being able to speak several languages. Honestly, Spike! What do you do with all your free time?”
Muttering under his breath, Spike said, “Live.”
“What was that?”
“Never mind. Listen, Twilight…there’s something you need to see.”
“What is it?” Still perusing her notes, Twilight lifted a quill with her magic and added a straight line over a vowel to accentuate the tone. “L’aaaaaamach.”
“Ahem…do you want to see it?”
“Sure.” Twilight’s lips moved in silence as she tried to pronounce the next word. “Moach’lichet.”
Clearing his voice, Spike said, “Seeing something usually involves looking at it.”
Twilight did. All she saw was Spike standing in the doorway, the door half closed. “Okay. What do you want to show me?”
“This.” Spike pushed the door open. Stepping aside, he made room for the visitor to enter. Half-stumbling, the four-legged “creature” did its best to appear equine, and was failing miserably. Its “coat” resembled a hodgepodge of some roughly-sewed fabric that would give Rarity nightmares. The coat was bright yellow, similar to Fluttershy’s but nowhere near as perfect or as natural. The tail and mane were so unkempt that each strand appeared like some amoebic organism desperate to escape its host.
In short, this was one ugly pony—if it were meant to be a pony at all.
“Uhhhhhh,” Twilight, at a lost for words, said.
The “pony” strode up to her, which is to say its pancake-shaped hooves slapped the ground loudly. It stopped just before the podium, its eyes leering at Twilight suspiciously.
“See what I mean?” Spike said. The dragon leaned back against the wall, watching Twilight’s expression with more than a little amusement. Spike took pride in the fact in being one of the few inhabitants of Equestria who could still surprise the seemingly all-knowing Princess Twilight Sparkle.
“Can I... help you?” She asked the visitor.
The visitor raised a “hoof” to its face, gently rubbing the stubble underneath its chin. “That all depends,” it said in a deep, baritone voice, male.
“On?” Twilight pressed.
“On whether or not you’re an alien in disguise!” In an instant, it, he, leaped over the podium as if to tackle Twilight. Twilight yelped, her horn lit up, catching her assailant in midair. On pure defensive instinct, Twilight tossed him across the room, right into a bookshelf that toppled over, pinning him underneath. The attacker groaned as the shelf came down on top of him, knocking the wind from his lungs.
Gasping, Twilight quickly flew to just above the downed shelf. Her horn lit up with a spell that would render the assailant unconscious should he try something that stupid again. “What was that all about?” She demanded.
“Do I have your attention now?” Spike asked by the doorway.
Glancing at him, but keeping her horn alit, Twilight said, “What do…did you know this would happen?”
“He did the same thing to me when we first met.” Spike came strutting up to Twilight, who by then had landed on her hooves. “I found him walking around the market this morning. I followed him into an alley and he ambushed me. It took some convincing but once he realized I wasn’t a KGB spy, whatever that is, I said I’d take him to see the boss. That’s you.”
“And you didn’t think to warn me he’d do something like that?” Twilight glowered at him.
Spike shrugged. “Twilight, you’re an alicorn. He’s,”
“A human. I know.” Glaring, she turned towards the shelf which was now fidgeting as the stranger tried to pry himself free. “The question is what in Celestia’s name is a human doing in Equestria?”
“Beats me. But hey, it was only a matter of time, right?”
“Spike! This is serious. If this one could get across then who knows how many could be running around here by tomorrow?”
“Which is why I brought him to you. If anyone can figure this out, you can.”
The human finally managed to pry his head out from beneath the shelf. “I smell licorice. Does anyone else smell licorice?”
Aiming her horn down like a weapon, Twilight said, “I demand to know you are you and what you are doing in Ponyville!”
“Ponyville? Oh yeah, I saw a sign like that before I got here. Nice place. Lots of parking.”
“Answer me!” Twilight demanded. Her horn flared for good measure.
“Alright fine!” Pinned as he was, the human knew he had no chance of escaping the angry alicorn. Thus he capitulated. “I’m Agent Stan Smith of the C.I.A. I’m trying to apprehend a dangerous individual who has somehow crossed over into your dimension.”
“The C.I.A?” Spike pondered. “Where have I heard that before?”
Twilight enlightened him. “It stands for Central Intelligence Agency. It’s a special security branch of the United States government that deals with potential threats to national security.”
Stan gasped. “You know about us?”
Twilight turned smug. “I’ve visited your world many times in the past.”
“Three,” Spike muttered.
“Whatever, Spike. The point is, Agent Stan Smith, that I am aware of human beings and know they have no place in Equestria. Now tell me, how did you get here?”
Stan shrugged. Or tried to, his shoulders were still pinned beneath the shelf. “Don’t really understand the math. Suffice it to say the guys in the lab had a mirror and I walked through.”
“Wait. Did you say mirror?”
“Yeah.”
“As in magic mirror?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
Twilight stomped a hoof. “I’m asking the questions here. Does the C.I.A have access to Equestrian magic?”
“Look lady, I don’t even know where ‘here’ is exactly. All I know is I have to stop Roger before he screws up the equilibrium of time and space.”
“Who’s Roger?” Spike asked.
“He’s an alien,” Stan said.
“You do realize that from our perspective, you’re the alien, right?” Spike told the C.I.A man.
Twilight cut off Stan’s reply. “Look, we’ll deal with the schematics of your arrival later. You said you were after a dangerous individual. Is that this Roger person?”
“He’s not a person. He’s a fey, pansexual, alcoholic extraterrestrial lunatic from another planet who lives in my attic.”
Twilight and Spike glanced sideways at him.
“Look, I know that may not sound like anything to you, what are you, horses?”
Twilight huffed. “We’re ponies!”
Stan looked at Spike. “And you’re an iguana or something?”
Spike puffed out his chest. “I’m a dragon.” When Stan’s eyebrow went up, Spike lost his bluster. “A small dragon.”
“Look Stan Smith,” Twilight began, her voice taking on an imperious tone. “You are in the land of Equestria. I am Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship. This here is Ponyville, my protectorate and seat of my palace. If there is an individual who poses a threat to my town then I want to know everything. Why he’s here, what he could be after, what are his abilities, everything.” She lowered her head so that her radiated horn was mere inches from Stan’s face. “Now, I want you to tell me everything there is to know about this Roger and I don’t want you to leave anything out. Understand?”
Stan sighed. “Alright.”
Two hours later…
“Okay, you could have left that part out,” Spike said. His stomach felt sick and he was on the verge of vomiting.
“I’ll say!” Twilight spouted. She was pacing back and forth, irate legs taking long strides from one end of the room to the other. “He sounds like a psychopath!” Ceasing, Twilight turned to Stan who was still trapped underneath bookshelf. “How could you let that lunatic enter Equestria?”
“It’s not my fault.”
“It’s never your fault with you C.I.A types. Honestly! Is it any wonder you’re the laughing stock of the intelligence bureaus of the universe?”
Stan’s brows furrowed at this. “Um…what?”
“Never you mind! This is an emergency. Spike, take a letter.”
Seemingly out of nowhere, Spike pulled out a paper and quill and was ready to write.
“Dear Princess Celestia,”
“Wait!” Stan cried out. “What are you doing?”
“I’m warning the ruler of Equestria about a dangerous extra-dimensional criminal whose presence could pose a threat to the entire kingdom. Got a problem with that?”
“…problem with that?” Spike penned.
“What the…Spike! Don’t write that part!”
The dragon shrugged. “Sorry. It’s second nature to me.”
Groaning, Twilight turned to Stan. “You be quiet! I have to alert the princess.”
“No!” Stan spoke with such adamancy that it silenced Twilight. “You can’t let this get out. The more people that know about this the greater the chances that Roger will find out and escape. I can’t let that happen.”
“First of all, it’s ponies. Not people. Second of all, why only you?” Twilight asked. “If Roger is as dangerous as you say, why would the agency send only one agent?”
“And with such a crappy disguise,” Spike added.
Stan bit back his tongue.
“Fine. If you won’t talk,”
“Wait.” He sighed. “Okay. The truth is, the agency has no idea I’m here. If you’ve been to the States then you know how my government feel about aliens. If it got out that my family was harboring an extra-terrestrial,”
“You’d be arrested,” Twilight concluded.
“Which is why they cannot know. When I found out what Roger was up to, I broke into the agency’s top secret lab and used a device that allows inter-dimensional travel.”
“Why would you guys make up something like that?” Spike asked.
“Honestly, I think the lab boys just watched one too many episodes of Stargate and wanted to build one of their own. Took me forever to figure out how to use it. Seriously, I was up until like 1 p.m. before finding this place.”
“A device?” Twilight repeated. “Hm. That might explain why you’re not an actual pony. The magic mirror I used transformed me into a human when I crossed over.” Her voice darkened. “Though that still doesn’t explain the getup. Frankly, I’m insulted you’d even think you could pass for one of us.”
“Look, lady, I was pressed for time and my son his friend once dressed up as a horse for Halloween. It itches something fierce. Maybe it’s the licorice. Maybe that’s what I smell. Do you honestly not smell it? It’s driving me crazy.” Fidgeting, Stan added, “Sides, I was able to stroll in unmolested. I think the outfit works pretty well.”
“He’s right, Twilight. Remember, no one here has ever seen a human before. I was the only one who recognized him for what he was,” Spike said. “As far as they’re concerned, he’s just some strange foreigner.”
“He is a foreigner, Spike.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Listen, Twilight, is it?” Stan said. “I’m sorry I attacked you earlier. Roger has a penchant for finding leadership positions in any role he chooses. I had to make sure you weren’t him and last I check he couldn’t throw me across the room just by thinking it.”
“If that’s your way of apologizing…”
Stan stopped her. “You don’t understand. Roger can just blend in anywhere. The guy’s a Where’s Waldo of interdimensional travel. He lives all these different lives and no one notices. It’s like he has some kind of magic spell that no one can see through.”
“Magic?” Twilight’s eyes lit up.
Spike rolled his eyes. “Oh boy. Did he ever come to the wrong dimension?” Spike gestured at Twilight. “Her talent is magic. If there’s any pony who can see through his disguise,”
But Stan cut him off. “I’m sorry, talking pumpernickel iguana, but she can’t.”
Before Spike could retort, Twilight held up a hoof to silence him. “Explain,” she told Stan.
“At home, I can keep him in line, but apparently Langley Falls just doesn’t do it for old Roger anymore. Our universe is too small, too boring. He’s seen most of it even before he crashed in the Nevada Desert back in 1947. I don’t expect that to have any significance for you.”
“Area 51,” Twilight deadpanned.
Stan leered at her. “Fine. He wants to travel to other realities, try new personas, new lives. In each and every one, he’s managed to utterly destroy that world. Ever heard of Argon City?” Twilight shook her head. “Gone. Lunis?” Again, her head swayed. “Gone. The Alien World of Mer?” After this final shake, Stan said, “Each was a world that was wiped out of existence because of Roger.”
“But why?” Spike asked. “Why would he do that?”
“Honesty, I don’t think he realizes the damage he’s doing. Roger’s a selfish, egotistical bastard but he’s not a genocidal, selfish, egotistical maniac. Destroying every world would be like ruining his playgrounds. He needs them in order to live out his personas. He’s not doing it on purpose but he can’t stop himself. It’s Roger.”
Looking from one to the other, Stan pleaded with them, “Look, I’m the only one who can stop him. Roger’s lived with my family for years. Only I will be able to tell him apart from everyone else. I’ve been tracking his movements from one world to the next but each time he manages to elude me until it’s too late.”
“But how can you stop someone who destroys entire worlds?” Twilight asked. She counted all the villains whom she had defeated throughout the years. Nightmare Moon. Discord. Sombra. Chrysalis. Tirek. Starlight Glimmer. All powerful. All dangerous. Yet each seemed to pale in face of this world-destroying monster from Earth.
Roger the Alien. The greatest threat Equestria has ever known.
“Do you even know how he does it?” Spike asked.
Stan shook his head. “No. But I’m getting close. I can feel it. This time I’ve narrowed his location to somewhere in this town. If you help me, I just might be able to track him down before it’s too late.”
Twilight gulped. “How much time do we have?”
Stan grimaced. “Twenty-four hours.”
“What?!”
“Well actually it’s a little under twenty-two. You guys had me telling you Roger’s story and that took a ton of time. Time I could have spent hunting him down. Hell, I’d probably have found him and be on my way home by now if I wasn’t pinned under this shelf.”
“Are you kidding me?” Twilight’s horn flared. The shelf was lifted as if it weighed no more than a feather. Books cluttered off of Stan as he rose to his hooves, no, to his feet—his two feet. “There’s no time to waste. You have to help us find him.”
“You can count on me, princess.” He groaned and hunched over. “But first, can I use your bathroom? I’ve been prairie dogging for the past twenty minutes and I really need to drop a log.”
Twilight sighed. “Out the hall, make a right, fourth door on your left.”
“Thank you.” Still holding his stomach, Stan Smith ran out the room.
Only when he was done did she begin pacing again. “This is serious, Spike. The fact that beings from other worlds can just cross over into Equestria without any pony noticing is bad enough. But from Earth?”
“Do you think he’s telling the truth?” The little dragon asked.
“I think so. I’ve tangled with some of the best liars in Equestria and compared to them that human’s an amateur. As to whether or not we can trust him I will say this: if he crosses me, Roger will be the least of his problems.”
“Okay.” Then Spike said, “Here’s another question: do you think he can stop him?”
Twilight considered it. “If he can’t,” she looked at him, “we will.”
“I know he said we should keep this between us, but maybe we should let the others in on this.”
Twilight thought a moment before shaking her head. “If this Roger is as good at disguising himself as Stan says he is,”
Spike yelped. “You think he could be one of them?”
“Don’t be silly, Spike! I know our friends are who they say they are. But Agent Smith was right about one thing. The fewer ponies that know, the better our chances of catching Roger off guard.”
Crossing his arms, Spike said, “And you think walking around with a human in a badly-made pony costume is going to give you the upper hoof in that regard? I’m pretty sure this Roger guy will spot Stan a mile away. I did and I barely lived in the human world.”
Twilight sighed. “You’re right about that. I think we’ll have to make a stop at the Carousel Boutique before anything else. If any pony can make any pony look like someone else, it’s Rarity.”
“Actually, I was thinking more of a glamour spell. You have those don’t you?”
Twilight’s face lit up. “Of course! I can’t believe I almost forgot. Spike, find me the book on magical camouflage. I think it’s in shelf D.”
Spike looked away, looked at Twilight, looked away again, and said, “You mean the shelf you just threw halfway across the room and is now in shambles?”
Suddenly, the more colorful aspects of the Griffon language came to Twilight as she cursed.
“Ka’ghan’chek!”